Jiah Khan’s suicide note.

R’s Mom shared this link, and I agree with the gist of the post, although I wish the tone was more sensitive to the young woman – who is also a victim of Patriarchy, that sees Getting and Staying Married as the only goal in women’s lives.

What are your thoughts on this one?
“…this is a 25-year old who … thinks her life is value-less without the continuing attention of some unemployed star-kid?! How the heck was she brought up? What kind of …. adult mind thinks that someone else’s attention is so important that her own life pales in comparison? … Who gave her these values where “death before losing in love” is a virtue?” 

Read Jiah Khan’s suicide note, Jiah’s letter to Suraj Pancholi

Let me share some bits from Jiah’s letter. This is why, I feel, Getting and Staying Married should not be seen as the biggest goal in a woman’s life.

“You may not have known this but you affected me deeply to a point where I lost myself in loving you.”

IHM: Glorifying such dependence leaves those ‘lost in love’ vulnerable to manipulation, control and abuse; OR it drives them to control those they feel they can’t live without.

“… I’ve never given so much of myself to someone or cared so much. You returned my love with cheating and lies.”

IHM: Shouldn’t lack of reciprocation, lies and cheating be seen as warning signs?

“It didn’t matter how many gifts I gave you or how beautiful I looked for you.”

IHM: Gifts and beauty can make a disinterested or manipulative man turn into a loving partner?

“…When I first met you I was driven, ambitious and disciplined. … I didn’t see any love or commitment from you. I just became increasingly scared that you would hurt me mentally or physically.”

IHM: There was violence, or fear of violence, but Jiah thought this relationship was worth taking her life for.

“Your life was about partying and women. Mine was you and my work.”

IHM: Generally the partner who likes to socialize (seen as frivolous) is seen as the culprit, and the one who likes to spend time ‘gainfully’ and alone with the partner the victim

But couldn’t it indicate incompatibility or disinterest, or both?

“…. I never told you but I received a message about you. About you cheating on me. I chose to ignore it, decided to trust you.”

IHM: Why is foundation-less trust glorified, and even romanticized?

“No other woman will give you as much as I did or love you as much as I did. I can write that in my blood.”

IHM: Based on Bollywood values: Love is giving and suffering silently, and watching the loved one happy.

And writing in blood is not unheard of, it is seen as a proof of ‘true love’.

Things were looking up for me here, but is it worth it when you constantly feel the pain of heartbreak when the person you love wants to abuse you or threatens o hit you or cheats on you telling other girls they are beautiful or throws you out of their house when you have no where to go and you’ve come to them out of love or when they lie to your face or they make you chase after them in their car. Or disrespects their family. You never even met my sister. I bought your sister presents.

IHM: So many reasons to end a relationship. And can reciprocation be ‘earned’ with trust and loving someone ‘loyally’?

Please note, this post does not blame Jiah Khan’s parents, Suraj Pancholi or Jiah Khan for her suicide, it is only an attempt to understand why so many Indian women commit suicide when disappointed in relationships/marriages.

Here are some more women who did not walk out of abusive relationships.

Some have died, some live unhappily, some still hope they will eventually reform the man, some have accepted misery as their destiny.

‘An email from a daughter whose mother endured everything because she did not want to ruin her daughters’ lives’

Are Happily Married Daughters a status symbol in India? (Update: Now this daughter refuses to end her marriage, she has cut all ties with her parents.)

Sixty. And nowhere to go.

“When wives become too possesive of her husbands and do not want the affection to be shared with their near and dear…”

‘Mommy’s secret: The monster in my house (an essay by a 4th grader)’

If someone dislocated your jaw…

“Her husband has told her she can leave if she wishes, she does not have a steady income of her own.”

When she says she no longer wishes to stay with him, why isn’t her word enough?

The father threw the baby on the ground and tried to strangle her with his legs: No case registered.

An email: “just for a few days of fights and torture in a month, how can I leave this life?”

When a daughter refuses to go back…

Perhaps, this video explains it better.

And a success story.

An email: “But my parents, fearing the society and their reputation begged him to take me back.”

 

“let me ask – how many girls in city remain pure till marriage ?”

After reading about actor Jiah Khan’s suicide note, I wanted to blog about the need to create awareness about Intimate Partner Abuse, because it’s awareness and understanding can save lives.

It seemed obvious that the first steps in preventing abuse is understanding, acknowledging and recognizing it, but it seems this is not how everybody sees this. Take a look at this link and message shared by Swarup Biswas.

***

Was reading up on Jia’s suicide note on TOI (http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/india/Aditya-Pancholis-son-Suraj-held-for-abetting-Jiah-Khans-suicide/articleshow/20529521.cms) when I came across this comment in response:

Women are at fault (Feminism spoiled many)

We have already lost our values thanks to these FEMINIST IDEAS. let me ask – how many girls in city remain pure till marriage ? Most of them are polluted either physically or mentally or both from an early age.Too much involvelemnt and open interaction with males has led to this situation.Marriage is an institution which is disrespected now by the new generation women.Some of them even go abroad for work,go for higher studies even after marriage leaving husband,children.And after going there they interact with many men and what happens thereafter is not unknown to many.The entire society is undergoing lot of pressure due to these issues.

What do you feel like upon reading such stuff? Don’t you sometimes feel like hanging your boots and let this country rot (not much left to rot though)?

Love,
Swarup

Related Posts:

1. “why not marry them first and then have sex ? What prevents you from doing it ? Deep within YOU WANT JUST SEX and nothing more”

2. Here’s why I think the society should not obsess over a woman’s virginity.

3. “…offenders who raped unmarried (and virginal) women got higher sentences in contrast to men who raped married women”