And they said financial independence will solve all women’s problems for all times.

Desi Girl says:

…And they said financial independence will solve all women’s problems for all times…

We can make women economically independent but not independent of social custodians.

 

http://www.ndtv.com/video/player/the-property-show/mumbai-s-no-spouse-no-house-dilemma/319468?hp

 

– DG

Why do so many of us believe that married people are easier to have as tenants, children, friends, colleagues and neighbours?

What does ‘squeaky clean background’ indicate? No police records? Morally upright – i.e. never been in a relationship? Teetotallers? Dressed in certain ways?

Do you think unmarried people are seen as either more of a responsibility (for everybody else) or less responsible?

Do you think this is discriminatory?

What is it that makes married men seem safer as tenants/neighbours? And why is single women’s marital status or lifestyle an issue here? What is it that people fear?

Related Posts:

Indian Shaadi Logic – by Prateek Shah

At what point should educated, 21st century women who can think liberally for themselves, take responsibility for themselves…

“A clandestine, and irresponsible, affair may prove dangerous. A city girl learnt it the hard way,”

“Why didn’t these women find life partners by dating?”

18 questions for young women (and men) of ‘marriageable age’.

Early and arranged marriages within the community prevent social ills.

So what does marriage mean to traditional and conservative Indians?

“Only thing I can can think of now is to take a spoon of boiling oil and put on my cheeks. I will see then who marries a girl with a burnt face”

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Indian Shaadi Logic – by Prateek Shah

So what does marriage mean to many Indians?

Indian Shaadi Logic by Prateek Shah

1. You are getting old. You should get married.
2. You are going bald/ growing fat/ becoming ugly. You should get married.
3. All your friends are married. You should get married.
4. You are getting bored. You should get married.
5. School done. College done. Job done. What else is to be done? You should get married.
6. Late marriage means late kids. You should get married.
7. But how will younger siblings get married? You should get married. [link]
8. Sharma Uncle, Verma Aunty and all other relatives keep asking all kinds of questions. You should get married.
9. Its our duty and responsibility. You should get married.
10. Its Great Great Grandparents last wish. You should get married.

Related Posts:

An email from An Adult Male of India : “Every single family sitting or phone call will eventually lead to….”

An email: I am 18 year old male from a traditional (read:backward) Indian family.

An email from an Indian Husband… and a Good Indian Son.

18 questions for young women (and men) of ‘marriageable age’.

Early and arranged marriages within the community prevent social ills.

So what does marriage mean to traditional and conservative Indians?

“Only thing I can can think of now is to take a spoon of boiling oil and put on my cheeks. I will see then who marries a girl with a burnt face”

“I am betraying my parents, country and culture by not having an arranged marriage, people are talking, younger sisters not getting married.”

Sharing an email.

Hi there,
I can’t believe I am writing to you but I guess when you think the only way out it to kill yourself then you must make sure that you have checked all avenues before blaming yourself to be source of all pain (and therefore concluding that eliminating yourself is the only solution).

I am a female, 31 and (for my sins) single. I have been living in UK for 11 years. I studied in UK and now have a good job, circle of friends, my own flat and I am about to start studying for a second masters degree this year. My family lives in India (in one of the two big metro cities). I have not taken a single penny from my family since I have left India, in fact I have helped them when they needed it. We are three sisters and a brother ( I am the eldest).

My parents have made my life miserable for the last 6-7 years about getting married. My parents want me to marry a Brahmin Indian guy selected by them in an arrange marriage fashion (their source for guys is the TOI and HT matrimonial sections). I don’t believe in arrange marriage.

I was in an on and off relationship with a British Asian guy for 4.5 years. We broke up when I was 29 because of his commitment phobia (he is 37 now).  I partly blame them for my only ever relationship not working out. Even while I was with him, they kept asking me to meet the people they were selecting because my ex was one caste lower and therefore not acceptable to them. I wanted to please them (was too scared to let them down because they have taught us that if one upsets ones parents then one leads a horrible life and gets sent to hell by God) , was weak and was not feeling secure in my own relationship either, so I kept meeting other men they were suggesting on the side. I didn’t remotely like single one of them.

Parents have visited me once in UK (my sisters have been here a couple of times) but that makes them qualified (they think) to choose a suitable guy for me.  I, who has resided here for 11 years and made all the adult life decisions alone, am not qualified to choose my own life partner.

I thought if I tell them that I will no longer meet guys they are suggesting, then all this will stop. So I did that a year ago. But they did not listen. Recently they still insisted that I speak with another guy. I spoke with him reluctantly on the phone. As expected he was not my type, so I refused to see him. My mother has not spoken to me since because I did not meet the guy and said no after a phone conversation.

The emotional blackmail is relentless: younger sisters not getting married because of me, dad’s age (he believes he is very old at 65 and can die any moment), I am betraying my parents, country and culture by not having an arrange marriage, I am the cause of everyone’s illness, I am selfish, I don’t care about anyone as I am use to being on my own and living an independent life, how can I be happy if I am not married,  “ladki haath se nikal gayi” when you left India, I trusted you but you betrayed us, you are ungrateful for everything we have done for you, people are talking all kinds of crap about you….the list of what I am apparently doing wrong by not having an arrange marriage is endless.

Dad today also said that I should give up everything in UK and come back to India. I asked him why do you want that and he said “So that we can marry you and show the world that you married a guys of our choice. There is nothing wrong with that, is there?” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! It was as if a devil had taken over my dad! This has been the last straw for me.

I am tired of this now. I cannot think of a way out of this. I feel alone as I am ashamed to confide in people in the UK that my parents are forcing me to get married. I think that if I die then all this will die with me and they will not be upset anymore. Help me please. Is there anything I can do to change this.

Thanks.

Related Posts:

“Only thing I can can think of now is to take a spoon of boiling oil and put on my cheeks. I will see then who marries a girl with a burnt face”

What Khaps need is a strictly implemented law against Forced Marriages.

Four kinds of marriages in modern India. Which ones would you ban?

Parents should choose the boy for a girl aged below 21, as it is they who bear the brunt of an unsuccessful marriage – Karnataka HC

Love Marriages spoil the Family System of our Nation.

How illegal bans on Valentine’s day and birthday parties are connected with dowry deaths and sex selection.

Are these the eight reasons you would give in support of Arranged Marriages?

Early and arranged marriages within the community prevent social ills.

A marriage arranged by the parents is better because they have experience.

“I need suggestions – these girls are ruining their lives with their stupid ideas about love.”

Why is abuse by parents taken so lightly by Indians?

Indian family values are good for Indian daughters?

Only when raising ideal daughters in law is not their goal, would Indian parents be able enjoy having and bringing up girl children.

Marriages are sold to Indian women in a glossy cover…?

An email: The wedding cards are distributed and the family izzat is involved…

Sharing an email…

Hello IHM

Maybe you don’t know me but I count you as a friend since I think of the IHM and the readers of this blog as family.
Today I write to u as I am in desperate need of some advice, …my gut feeling has been veering towards you. The thing is I am stuck in a rut… please please hear me out, and give me your valuable suggestions, because I write to you with a lot of hope…
I was in a relationship for more than two years, my parents just did not approve of him but he is everything that I dream of in a guy, and much beyond that too. He is the sole earning member in the family of 6 and is going through financial issues. Even though it does not affect me it was a problem for my parents. It was a very rough phase, in the meanwhile a rishta was proposed through some common relatives. It made my family very happy and I said yes, the rokka was fixed and the guy came down to India to spend time with me.
It was all ok, and I thought with time we will fall in love, even when he was here we were short of things to talk about and did have a few unpleasant incidents… something seems missing… we have had uncomfortable silences between us and lack of communication… I have tried speaking to him, but unable to explain that the magic is missing, and how I want us to talk and work on the relationship.
Now the wedding is around the corner (next month), and I seem to develop cold feet, I am absolutely blank… I don’t seem to be in the right frame of mind to commit to somebody for life, as i feel i will not be able to do justice to both of us…
I don’t know what to do… whether to follow my heart say no to the wedding and go after love or get married to somebody with a secure future… the wedding cards are distributed and the family izzat involved… please suggest something as soon as possible, I don’t know why but I wanted to speak to u… hope you understand.
Lots of love,
Second email:
…. yes I am a career woman… it is all my mistake, I thought I would develop feelings for him. but it does not happen mechanically. I need to talk to my parents strongly. Even though I have been talking to them, they think prayers would work. My voice is not being heard and that is what I don’t like.

The boy is question is a nice person, the respect is there from both sides but unfortunately we both are individuals in our own rights but don’t seem to fit nicely together. as in this is not how I want my marriage to be – lonely.
My parents are educated liberal people but are acting strange 😦
IHM do you think parents should fight with the world if their daughter says her heart was not in this marriage?