“Can I really marry and live with a guy who is so uncomfortable with the fact that I am open and expressive?”

Sharing an email.

I’m 27 years and a couple of months old and it suddenly seems that everything about my life is turning upside down. i’ve been blogging for over 10 years now… been a reader of your blog and have been in touch with so many of the people who read it..

However, one thing I have been and still am is a confused soul…  I’ve so far had a lot of freedom given to me by parents, some of which was after a lot of hard won arguments and simple rebellion which they then accepted. I have a huge family, full of well meaning aunts and uncles and cousins and grand some thing or the others that very obviously love me but would probably adore me a little more if I were less frank and a little more subtly manipulative about getting what I want…
It’s always been a strange phenomena to me that being publicly (and by that I mean before anyone who doesn’t actually live in the same house as you) sweet, quiet and submissive to some degree lets you get away with doing whatever the heck you want while putting yourself out in the open makes people restrict you even when you haven’t technically or overtly broken any rules that society and family had set for you… I’ve always been very “moonhphat”,  but at the same time I’ve tried to be a “good” daughter.
What is completely freaking me out now is the sudden shift in the rules now that I’ve agreed to see a boy my family’s picked as a “perfect” arranged match. my parents have changed their attitude completely… but that is not what I need advice about… its about the Boy…
He’s from a “good” family, well educated, has his family business that he took over a few years ago because he lost his father at a young age. I’ve spent a total of 9 hours talking alone with him over three separate days, and we managed to talk very openly and frankly about whatever things we wanted to… however, it seems that he is a very very different person from how I am.
The first serious conversation we had, was about  how he had found my blog and spent two whole days reading through the last 10 years of entries on it. How it had made him supremely uncomfortable that such a huge part of my life, my thoughts were online for the world to see, and comment. how i had written about my previous relationship, about my friends, about family, about my ideas and ideals.
He asked me whether I would continue that after marriage. His second serious question was, “What am I supposed to say if an aunt/cousin/assorted family member finds your blog and reads it and says this girl has been in a relationship, this girl is so combative…” Then he told me that his sister had read it and was equally disturbed by it.
I told him that it was nobody’s business but mine what I’d written and why on earth would anyone bother going through over 300 posts spread over 10 years???
Then he tells me that he is a very private person and doesn’t like it if “outsiders” are told about his family life… and he qualified it with a, “but my best friend is a girl and I tell her everything thats going on in my head… I just don’t feel comfortable with the fact that a million strangers can read your blog and know intimate details of your life.”
Anyway… since throwing my drink at his face and storming out wasn’t an option… I chose to simmer down and think about what he had said… my blog is now set to a private invitation only setting, not because he says he is uncomfortable but because of the idea that random strangers would judge me on the fact that i was a wreck after my college relationship failed.
The next time we met, he said that the girl in the blog was “disturbing” because all information that he had got from various family sources said that I would be a “good wife” because I was a “family oriented person” and the “life of every gathering”, whereas my blog has some of the darkest, most depressive and frankly combative things in my head…  I told him its my venting space… when I can’t let out how I feel any other way, I write… and about half of that ends up on my blog… so the blog has my rants about my ex, my ideas about feminism and independence and family, how disappointed I feel sometimes that my family is still following hidebound traditions even while they give my generation the leeway to make our own decisions.
It is not the blog of a “sweet bahu” who will “carry the family together”. Its the blog of a woman who thinks of more than just the menu for the next family get together…
What I am worried about here is the fact that both sets of families are extremely interested in seeing this match go through… but can I really marry and live my life with a guy who is so uncomfortable with the fact that I am open and expressive? That I am NOT exactly a “sunshine and rainbows” person…
The good point about this guy is that he seems to be sensible enough to ask me flat out what I feel.. he seems to accept that i am independent, i have a fairly combative head but at the same time i would do a lot for the sake of my family…
Thankfully both families are giving us time to think, even though every second day someone or the other asks if we are ready to say “yes” yet…
I’ve known of the existence of this boy for a little more than 10 days now.. and apparently that is more than the “arranged” people in my community usually get before they atleast have a roka… the formal engagement and marriage thankfully are months after the ‘roka’.. but i don’t want to agree to anything just yet because i am genuinely worried about how someone as free as me is supposed to deal with somone who is uncomfortable about a blog spread over 10 years…
My best friend pointed out that since the boy has never been in a relationship previously, the fact that I was “in love’ with my ex and am not a virgin is likely to remain an issue and an insecurity for him.. the fact that I have a circle of male friends, and a large circle of friends, may be a problem for someone whose life is not as open outside of his family.
So now I don’t know what to do.. when I discuss this with my parents all they say is that you anyway lose touch with friends after you get married, and that I should not tell the guy about my ex…. I didn’t have the heart to tell my parents that he’s already read my blog and knows most of it…
What do I do??
A confused soul

Freedom of expression comes with responsibility. The responsibility to protect it from censorship.

Thursday Challenge – Communication, Technology…

All quotes are from an open letter to Dear Mr Sibal, here. (read the post, it will make you see why you are so right to be proud of being a part of this community)

You don’t have to believe that I have a right to post what I will on my profile as long as I follow the laws of the land and the platform I am using. But when you chose to become a leader in this constitutional democracy, you made the commitment to uphold everything written in its constitution, or if you change it, you follow due process.” http://aamjanata.com/unfreedoming-speech/ 

 

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A vibrant country that is able to use humor to make a point. I think this is better than slaps and shoes and burnt buses and what nots. Maybe it is time to laugh at a few of them, dislike a few and move on knowing that freedom of speech is not a popularity contest, but a matter of values” [http://aamjanata.com/unfreedoming-speech/]

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So a rioting mob is now the fault of some citizen of some other country on some other continent rather than those breaking laws right here. Why? You can’t govern what happens in the country? Why are they not expected, not assisted to learn to be legal? http://aamjanata.com/unfreedoming-speech/
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‘You don’t understand the magnitude of what you are throwing a tantrum for. You don’t understand what it is. You fail to see that social networking isn’t like television, but like conversations. It is way beyond censorship to monitor and edit interactions. You censoring them is as good as gagging me in the online world. And, frankly, I refuse to be gagged. From a person minding my own business, I will become a virtual rebel, but I will not allow another person to have power over every word I say. No matter what. It is as simple as that’ http://aamjanata.com/unfreedoming-speech/
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“Sachin Kalbag put it well: Dear Mr Sibal, it is YOU who are accountable to the people; we are NOT accountable to you. Now repeat 100 timeshttp://aamjanata.com/unfreedoming-speech/
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Pictures shared by the internet community while peacefully protesting against Kapil Sibal’s attempt to decide for Indian people what they find offensive and what hurts their sensibilities.

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Kapil Sibal and the screen.