“My parents are not allowed to visit me at my place. None of my relatives are welcome either.”

“Every time this issue comes up, my husband has just one ground – I can’t change my parents. I don’t agree to their behaviour… but they make my life hell. Please cooperate and manage, shanti rakho!”

Sharing a comment, by Rtag. 

I have my own story to share. I am not really sure what is it that I am looking for… reassurance or solutions!

I am a married woman. My father has been unemployed for as long as I remember. Because of this my brother, my mother and I suffered a lot.

Even though he had been unemployed for so long and never shouldered his responsibilities, by God’s grace and luck, I was able to complete my studies and find a decent job. My brother on the other hand went astray, but is now back with a decent job and I am supporting and encouraging him to complete his studies.

Because of my father, I started working really early, at the age of about 18 – tuitions, then receptionist, then Tele caller, and finally today I work for a consulting firm. I earn good income and considering my own background, sometimes I feel proud of myself that I have come so far.

Anyway, coming back to the point… I never wanted to marry. Reason being I knew that no one would marry a girl whose father doesn’t have a penny to spend and is dependent on her daughter. But as it so happened, I met a guy, fell in love with him and inspite of my background and condition that I will always support my parents and brother, he agreed to marry me. [A married woman does not have the freedom to spend on her parents and will have to request and hope for her husband’s permission to do so.]

“…inspite of my condition that I will always support my parents and brother, he agreed to marry me.”

I have been married for almost 6 years now and truly never had a fight with my husband because of issues between us. We have always been able to discuss and sort things out. But when it comes to his parents – everything goes haywire. Some of the issues I face with them:

1. My parents are not allowed to visit me at my place. None of my relatives are welcome either. As per my in laws it’s bad!

2. I cannot talk to any of my relatives or parents for long. It has to be short, crisp, and to the point. [IHM: This is not uncommon, Indian brides told to reduce mobile phone use.]

3. I cannot visit my parents or relatives when I want to, I need permission from my in laws. [IHM: This happens all the time, “She stayed with her parents for thirty years, now she is married so it’s an end to her relationship with her parents.”]

I have a two year old daughter. My parents have hardly ever spent any time with her because of these reasons! I feel I am cheating them out of something that’s their right.

While I was pregnant, I called my mother and dadi to stay with me for a few weeks. My in-laws didn’t want to stay or support me at that time for reasons of their own. My FIL called my father saying I don’t like you or anybody from your family residing with my son at their house. This is just one of instance. This has happened many times over the course of my marriage. When my father asked why don’t you like it, he had no answers.

Last year I called my parents to be with me for a month, so they can spend sometime with their granddaughter. My in laws threw a lot of tantrum on that as well, and today when I asked my husband if I can call my parents for a few weeks, he declined.

Every time this issue comes up, my husband has just one ground – I can’t change my parents. I don’t agree to their behaviour… but they make my life hell. Please cooperate and manage, “shanti rakho”!

He just does not want to stand up to them even if they are wrong… because he hates fighting (verbal or physical). But this had started to affect me badly now. I can see the hypocrisy and can’t digest it. Same things are right for him, wrong for me.

He makes plan to visit his parents as and when they call and he likes, but this is not applied for me. His parents can come and go as they please, mine cannot.

I have tried over and over to make my husband understand my plight, but it does not make any difference. I don’t want to end our relationship on these grounds, because we truly share a beautiful bond. But these are a few issues that just don’t resolve and I feel abused, deteriorated and lost.

Please advise. I really need third person’s insight on this situation.

Related Posts:

“I am trying to make a list of soooooooo many advantages a girl can have if she is born in a Western family as compared to being born in india.”

So what could make even the average, selfish, money-minded Indian family welcome baby girls?

These lines sum up the biggest reason for male child preference and skewed gender ratio in India.

Another email. When an Indian daughter-in-law has no brothers.

Marriages are sold to Indian women in a glossy cover…?

हमारी बेटी संस्कारवान है और मंत्री बनने के बावजूद पति के पांव की जूती ही है।

“I don’t see the point of forcing parents to give birth to unwanted girl children.”

Skewed sex ratio is not caused by sex selective abortions.

An email: My principal fear is my wife is not going to be able to love my parents as much as I do.

“I just don’t understand how girls like me (independent, modern) then agree to get married and live with someone and his family.”

“I will never live in a joint family, it has its roots in patriarchy and benefits only men.”

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Why it isn’t enough to raise independent daughters.

 A Guest Post by AlwaysHappyKya.
There is this story making rounds in the internet and has a very positive message.
Although I agree with what the writer has to say, it got me thinking.
Why did the boy grow up to think so chauvinist in that household? A main character should have been mentioned in the story. The boy’s dad.
Although the boy watched his sister growing equal and independent, maybe he still saw the mom doing all housework while the dad really did nothing at home? Maybe the boy believed women are supposed to cook, dress conservatively based on his dads opinion and his moms image? Maybe, he watched his dad slap his mom sometimes and thought that was okay too?
I believe, as long as BOTH the parents show the kids how to live equally, work as a team in society, the kids ( irrespective of girl or boy) will pick it up and progress.
Just thought these thoughts are worth sharing out there.
AlwaysHappyKya
Related Posts:

I Want To Be A Dad. – Radhika Vaz

“My problem is my wife doesn’t like me hanging out with friends.”

Workplace Equality requires Equality at Home

The Men in Our Lives

Why do men NOT have to choose between being a CEO and a father, but women have to make this choice.

Abhishek Bachchan as a Working Dad in the new Idea ad.

“My husband says he can’t go against his family. My father says study but not without your FIL’s permission.”

“Ask your father if he has never beaten your mother!” Please adjust.

Response to “Koi Baap Apni Beti Ko Kab Jaane Se Rok Paya Hai”

The father threw the baby on the ground and tried to strangle her with his legs: No case registered.

Feminism Is Good For Society

‘How can we change the socialization of boys and the definitions of manhood that lead to these current outcomes?’

Of how men’s masculinities are connected to their wives taking their names.

27 ways in which Patriarchy harms men.

So why do some men compare and compete with other men?

What do men need liberation from?

Emotions, Masculinity and Hierarchies in Relationships: Or making men walk alone in the journey of life.

MIP: Men In Pink

Boys don’t cry. – Starry Eyed

What kind of sons do Feminists raise?

“The sense of entitlement that’s hard-wired into every male child in an Indian household”

Emma Watson to men : Gender equality is your issue too.

“My husband would tell me to stay with my in laws for some more time and that he didn’t want any discussions.”

Here is a heart breaking example of how Patriarchy enables abuse.

What made it possible for this husband to demand that the wife lives with his parents and helps them with their business – against her wishes? How common are such expectations? 

What do you think should the email writer do?

Also – shouldn’t there be legal assurance of financial support for every child, whether or not the parents live together? 

Hi..

I am sharing my story here. I am really distressed and I wish you could post my story in your blog.

so here it is..

So I stay with my husband in South India and my in laws ( ILs) stay in Haryana. When I was pregnant, my husband forced me to stay with ILs. I was treated very badly by them, specially by my MIL. They were never very nice to me in the past, but I never, in my worst dreams, imagined the things I had to go through. I used to tell my husband everything on phone and he would just say that he’d talk to his parents and that I should also adjust. I cried/ pleaded/begged him lots of times to let me come back to him but he was like a stone. He told me once that if I only complain all the time then he would stop calling me or picking up my calls.

He promised me that when the baby is 2-3 months old I’d move back with him. But he betrayed me even then. He is doing a course which is 3 years long. Now he asked me to stay with ILs for all these years. For the sake of baby’s care and that his father needed me for family business.

All these plans and decisions were taken after discussions between my husband and my fil. I wasn’t even asked. Only when I used to ask if I could come back he would tell me to stay for some more time and that he didn’t want any discussions. Finally one evening my ILs crossed the line and my patience ran off. I couldn’t take their constant abuse so I left and went to my parents’ place in Delhi. My husband told me that this meant separation. that now I can never come back to him. I said okay. I was prepared. although I messaged him after a week or so asking if we could find a middle way.. that I would never live with his parents but may be we can live in the same building on different floors… and that he also has some responsibility towards his own 3 month old son and wife, his reply was cold and he just said that he wished I knew what I was doing while leaving his parents’ house.

We didn’t speak for one month. And I was taking all this very well. After a month he started calling. Then he and his family came to get me back and apologised.

As a fool I agreed but asked him to make a few promises. He made me resign from the job I had got in Delhi without even serving the notice period as he said that he had suffered a lot in the previous one month and now he can’t even stay away from me for one more day.

We came back to South India and started living normally. However his behaviour started changing again. He started breaking all the promises that he made. He again started taking me and my feelings for granted.

His family again started interfering and bothering us by complaining on small silly things. By bad mouthing me about me to him on phone and making issues about every small thing.

After 3 months we went back to ILs place for some function. I was again treated very badly by my MIL and just one night before we were supposed to come back my FIL said that all the things that they said when they came to get me back and their apologies etc was all a drama. They didn’t mean a thing. It was all just to get me back. and that now I should apologise for doing this bad deed of leaving the family. My husband was there when all this was going on and his dad kept on abusing me. How I wasn’t brought up properly and I had no values or I don’t know the way to be a good dil. etc etc.

I went into depression and had to take therapy after coming back. That too without letting my husband know.

Now I have developed serious trust issues with my husband. We are supposed to go back to stay with ILs coz of family business after 2 years and I feel my husband is again going to throw me under the bus when the time comes. I am scared to go back to that place. I have been harassed there very badly. Everyone gets on one side and attack me. That’s the kind of emotional abuse that I just have no tolerance for anymore. And I used to be very strong before.

I don’t know what to do.

Should I leave him right now?

Should I wait for 2 years and see what happens.. In this case my baby will become emotionally attached to his father and it’ll be difficult for me to separate them then. Also, I’ll have no savings of my own as I am spending every penny of what I am earning right now on us. My husband is still studying and it’ll be another betrayal..  I am not sure how I’ll take it then.

How foolish is it to trust a person who has always betrayed me?
He gets emotional about our relation only when he wants to. The times when I need him he is always cold and unavailable.

I feel lonely most of the time even in his presence. He hardly ever wants to spend time with me. He calls someone or the other everytime he is free.
We have a very sad sex life and I know for sure that he watches porn to satisfy himself.

He never helps out with the baby. only plays with him for sometime but doesn’t help me out for anything.
He is extremely selfish.
He says he loves me but it doesn’t show in his actions.
Should I consider divorce? Are all men like this? Are my expectations too high if I want a partner who truly is a partner and not just a person living with you without any real feelings?

I want to live my life happily. Is it possible with this person? We had a love marriage and now I can’t find the person I loved. it was all fake.

Related email:

An email: “My in laws want me to stay here with them while my husband works in another city.”

Other related posts:

Marriages are sold to Indian women in a glossy cover…?

A detailed check list of conditions from modern young women of marriageable age.

Indian women and their Easy Wealth.

‘Last month, my sister’s husband picked a fight with her as he felt she was not doing enough for his parents.’

“I thought it would indeed be wonderful to live with my in-laws.”

“I will never live in a joint family, it has its roots in patriarchy and benefits only men.”

“My Mil never likes to cook. They have maid at home who does most of the cooking cleaning stuff.”

Sharing an email. 

Do you think there are some expectations here, from the mother in law? If yes, then are those expectations fair?

What if the mother in law had a career or any other interests, or health issues, and there were no other relatives, …female relatives, who could come and cook for the couple?

Who doesn’t seem to be feeling any guilt in this email? Why is that so? 

Hi IHM

I frequently visit your blog.I am an avid reader of your blog. Almost all the topics touches a chord some where.

I m writing about a problem to get suggestions and inputs from bloggers here.

I work with a MNC married for one and half year. Now I am carrying three months. Initially all was good and we both were so happy. My Mil came to take care of me.

First few weeks I was not feeling like eating. Then slowly as pregnancy progress I took interest in simple daal subji chawal but served hot. This is difficult for my Mil.  She never like to cook. They have maid at home who does most of the cooking cleaning stuff.

I work in shifts so can cook only one time.

Now also due to weakness I found it is exhausting to stand and cook. But the truth is I don’t like her food. Sometimes it is good but most of the time she serve cold afternoon food.

And she won’t cook until you feel hungry.

Now I am feeling hungry too frequently.I need small stuff but in regular three four hr interval.

All these needs are not getting fulfilled.most of the time I eat office canteen food or outside snacks resulting severe gas and acidity.

Now I am cooking little things for my self but get tired soon. In all these my husband feels bad that I don’t like his mama’s food. His side is she could not cook now, still she is trying. So I should not complain. In reality I am not complaining for food. I started cooking but I complain of tiredness.

This could be a minor issue but at this time I feel like I m not getting enough nutritious food.

Otherwise I can eat all types of food. Don’t complain much.

Can anyone give valuable suggestion please.

Related Posts:

‘How I am going to manage two toddlers, work, home, chores etc etc without any physical and moral support from my in laws?’

If I made Baghban.

“After all, why do we as kids, feel so entitled to our mother’s time, indeed her entire life and personality?”

Why do men NOT have to choose between being a CEO and a father, but women have to make this choice.

How are mothers treated in Indian culture?

Mommy Guilt: A Western Influence.

“After all, why do we as kids, feel so entitled to our mother’s time, indeed her entire life and personality?”

“After all, why do we as kids, feel so entitled to our mother’s time, indeed her entire life and personality?”

Why do you think?

“For a man to be labelled a bad father, he needs to be a wife beating, severe alcoholic/spendthrift, good for nothing.

For a woman to be labelled a bad mother, she just has to be 5 minutes late in coming from the kitchen while the child is crying in the living room. That needs to change.”

Read more at: Indra Nooyi and her children.

I agree with:

“Women do not have to sacrifice personhood if they are mothers. They do not have to sacrifice motherhood in order to be persons. Liberation was meant to expand women’s opportunities, not to limit them. The self-esteem that has been found in new pursuits can also be found in mothering.”

“The art of mothering is to teach the art of living to children.”

― Elaine Heffner

Related Posts:

Why are mothers ignored, asks SC

Why do men NOT have to choose between being a CEO and a father, but women have to make this choice.

How are mothers treated in Indian culture?

Mommy Guilt: A Western Influence.

An email: Is it selfish to not want to be parents yet?

Woman you are not doing anybody a favour…

“I waited for maternal love to overcome me – it didn’t… After my baby was born, I didn’t feel anything…”

Society benefits immensely from childbearing, childrearing, and caregiving work that currently goes unpaid.

What does it mean to be a ‘mother’?? – Shail Mohan

On Mother’s Day… – Shail Mohan

How would you react if you knew your son (or daughter) felt this way?

Why is it misogynistic to promise wives from Bihar to Haryana men who are not able to find wives?

Why is it misogynistic to promise wives from Bihar to Haryana men who are not able to find wives because of the skewed gender ratio in their state?

1. It implies that the biggest problem with the skewed gender ratio in Haryana is the men who are not able to find wives.

2. It implies that bringing wives from Bihar is the answer to the unwillingness of Haryana families/communities to have and to raise daughters.

3. It implies that we can continue to pretend that skewed gender ratio is caused because of Dowry demands alone and can be controlled by banning Sex Selection.

It lets us continue to not-ask –  Why don’t the people of Haryana (India) want to have and to raise daughters? Why does our society see daughters as unwanted burdens? Answers here.

4. But most of all – what about the women they are ‘bringing’?

Do these women have the option of choosing to marry men from elsewhere, or not marrying at all? Do these women feel entitled to freedom, equality, justice, reasonable safety, self reliance and equal opportunities?

How does providing single men with wives from other states help/affect the skewed gender ratio in Haryana?

Why ‘bring’ innocent women into a dangerous, misogynistic, sexist society, where, if they were born there, they would possibly have been killed in the womb or a little later?

Also, where, they would never be as powerful, entitled, self reliant, free, happy or fairly treated as the men are?

So what can be done for these young, unmarried men in Haryana? 

They are adults and they need to be informed that women are people, they are not born to be future-wives for men. That the men are not entitled to ‘wives’.

They should be encouraged to find out, question and challenge the Patriarchal norms that have lead to this unwillingness by an entire society to have girl children.

Maybe they will find out for themselves that banning sex selective abortions is not the answer because – 

But maybe they will not. Because they are being seen as victims and being ‘promised’ wives.

 

“…those youths in many villages who are roaming without brides will get one.”

Addressing a Kisan Mahasammelan (farmers’ meeting) at Narwana in Jind on Friday, Dhankar asked the gathering to strengthen the hands of BJP in the state, saying, “Making BJP strong also means that those youths in many villages who are roaming without brides will get one.”
Dhankar, who is BJP Kisan Morcha president and had lost the Lok Sabha polls to Congress’ Deepinder Hooda from Rohtak, said when he was touring the constituency, he used to hear tales that some youths were bringing brides from Bihar and other places.

“I told them that Sushil Modi (senior BJP leader in Bihar) is a good friend of mine. We will ensure a compatible match and do away with the practice of bringing brides from any other place,” he said.

Related Posts: 

Skewed sex ratio is not caused by sex selective abortions.

So what could make even the average, selfish, money-minded Indian family welcome baby girls?

How illegal bans on Valentine’s day and birthday parties are connected with dowry deaths and sex selection.

India leads in sexual violence, worst on gender equality: Study

Response to “Koi Baap Apni Beti Ko Kab Jaane Se Rok Paya Hai”

Can we blame everything on patriarchy?

An email: If I am around people who think that having or giving birth to sons is everything in life how should I behave?

Do you think this video can make Indian parents want to have daughters?

‘I have grown up and gotten used to the fact that my parents are considered less fortunate since they did not have a son.’

“I don’t see the point of forcing parents to give birth to unwanted girl children.”

‘I am not really sure why is it the duty of a new bride to adjust no matter what you feel?’

Sharing an email.
Hi IHM
I’ve come across your site 2 days ago and wondered why I had never googled about the plight of Indian Brides before. It’s wonderful to know that lots of people are sharing their experiences and feelings and know that you are not alone in what you feel.
I am hoping that you post my story as I have not yet reached an end or a new beginning.
I am 30 years old, married for 3 years to a wonderful man who I had been seeing for 9 years and living in a joint family. I was born in India but brought up in the middleeast so I was fairly liberal and knew exactly what I wanted in life. I completed my Masters abroad after completing my Bachelors in India ( which is where I met my hubby) He completed his Masters too from the same Uni. We both got good jobs with fairly decent salaries, but my hubby was unhappy having to work for someone else and he missed home. So he set up his own business back home and which is now going very well. I on the other hand worked abroad a little while longer and decided to give it up as the next thing on the cards was marriage. It was terrifying and exciting at the same time. Yes it would be a change, something new, which could not be predicted but hey sometimes change is good and a part of life.
We did have the talk before me moving back- actually me just telling him that I would not be suited to living in a joint family and I would rather we get our own place but somehow that was not acceptable as my in-laws live in the center of a metropolitan city and space was no issue. They expected us to move in with them and my husband doesn’t like to hurt them in any way. He could hurt me telling me that I should adjust. I am not really sure why is it the duty of a new bride to adjust no matter what you feel?
There were always little things – like my marriage for instance. Make note it was a love-cum-arranged marriage so it would seem they shouldn’t be any problems. However, every little ritual or circumstance was a struggle. Most things you can compromise but it’s your wedding day, supposedly the most important day of your life,- a new beginning and when you are forced to undergo things you don’t like or are uncomfortable with in the name of tradition and culture it sort of scares me now as to what sort of life was I agreeing into.
Don’t get me wrong my PILs are not horrible people they just worry too much about society and what they would think if they didn’t do something “the proper way”. So I did get married and moved in with my in-laws and their second son. (My husband is the eldest which makes me the eldest bahu).
Married life isn’t so bad. I mostly get to live the way I want because I choose not to heed every advice or good and proper thing that needs to be done now that I am married. My MIL is a very sweet and understanding lady but she is set in her own ways,does every thing that she can for her family and never complains. When I mean everything, it means everything, cooking, cleaning, sorting, arranging – everything other than actually feeding them! She herself says she spoon feeds them! God forbid if her sons need to do any work when she or I’m around.
I mentioned earlier I’m liberal. I think everyone must help in household work it is not the “duty” of only women in the house. Though my husband used to help out when we lived abroad (for a couple of months after we got married) at his parents’ house he is king. Meaning what so many other working DILs complain about. Both of them work but husband can come back and relax but the wife is expected to cook and clean even though she is equally tired. My MIL actually believes that to cook and serve your family is a duty from GOD! Seriously, this is 2014 for Godsakes! My FIL is also generally a nice man but he is very picky about what he eats and complains almost everyday that the food is not tasty, concluding that its not been fried in oil enough. If I wanted to make something I like it was always opposed saying so and so would not like it. My husband likes the food I like. So I make our food separately now – with less oil. Family traditions must be followed – no questions asked. Nothing should be done differently – there is only “one correct way”. I come from a different background and we did things differently but I can adjust to that as well. I have OCD. I like things to be in a certain way, extra clean and not to make a mess. Whereas everyone at my home is generally messy, don’t really care if it is messy and ignore it. I can’t ignore it. Seeing a mess makes me want to clean it and I hate cleaning! My MIL does clean after making a huge mess which in my mind is a waste of time and energy.
However, the main problem is after 3 years I still feel feel like a guest in my own home and I just have a room( like an other post I read on your blog recently). I try to be silent on things I do not agree with and have to obey blindly, but I feel I’m losing myself somewhere in this whole situation. There has never been any major argument or issue with my in-laws. but I fight almost everyday with my husband. All these issues seem petty to him. He says that I should not care about them too much, they are not life changing and it’s been three years you should have changed how you feel and adjusted by now. So is it my fault for “failing to adjust”?
I’ve always wanted to live on my own with my husband and my little family, make my own decisions even if it is what to have for dinner. The loss of freedom after living on my own for 11 years to this is what I can’t define in words. It makes me very unhappy and therefore the arguments with my husband.
I am not sure what to do as my husband refuses to talk about it as it always leads to an argument ending in telling me that I’m unreasonable to want what I want.
Am I being unreasonable and selfish to not want to live with his parents?
Sure Joint families can be great with regards to child support and child care and values but I am 30 and I have a dream of a certain kind of life. Life is too short I think to waste on things that make you unhappy. Again am I being selfish to want to be happy?
His parents expect us to stay with them. No one asks me what I want. My husband does like to be around people because he grew up in a joint family. I only want a place of my own to have the freedom one comes to expect in a marriage. It can be close to our in-laws. So he can visit anytime or they can visit anytime.
I am really at breaking point and do not know what to do or who to talk to. My husband refuses to listen. I can’t really talk to my in-laws. They would not understand why I am being the rebel when they treat me quite well. They would be hurt, generally view it negatively and worry about what the society would think. Somewhere inside I think like that too and worry I might upset them if I do tell them what I want.

But is this any way to live? Go about life like your in-laws and ending up like them? I definitely don’t want to end up like my MIL, my mom or my aunt who are basically housewives who have to put their family’s happiness before their own. I do not want to lose myself.

You can call me Maha.

And then I saw this on twitter this morning. IHM

Related Posts:

An email from a Happily Married Indian Daughter in law…

“I had written an email about being a DIL in the joint family, I am happy to share my current state …”

“My in-laws don’t hate me at all. But ‘love’ isn’t about all this. ‘Love’ is about letting your loved one ‘live’.”

“My Mother in law is very patient towards all the doings of the Males in the family.”

Display of respect to those in power, in Indian culture.

Please watch Queen. Feels like our country is finally changing.

Please watch the movie – would love to hear why you loved it so much too.

Spoiler alert? The biggest spoiler I think is feminists liking the movie 🙂

Can’t quite believe we are seeing Indian movies where women are choosing life and happiness. Queen boldly treads where English Vinglish hesitated, and it is an amazing contrast to DDLJ with it’s glorification of Ek Hindustani ladki ki fragile Izzat.

Couldn’t help compare (and contrast) Rani (Kangana Ranaut) with  Simran (Kajol) in DDLJ. While Simran was hysterical when she thought she had lost ‘ek Hindustani ladki ki izzat‘ – this movie is about Rani learning how biased against her life and happiness is the concept of ek Hindustani ladki ki izzat and everything that it controls – the movie is also about a sanskaari Hindustani ladki recognizing the difference between love and control/abuse.

Also, Queen explains what many Indian women mean when they describe their parents as liberal. Rani’s family was liberal in the sense that they did not put patriarchal values above their love for their child, though they did raise her the way (I suppose) everybody else around them seemed to bring up their daughters. Although her grandmother doesn’t tell her there was more to life than men and marriage, her reactions were not conservative either.

Not too long ago, a story like this could only end with a sympathetic man offering to save the eternally grateful woman by marrying her 😦

Although good Indian girls are allowed unconventional choices if they are seen as sort of ruined, [also seen in Shuddh Desi Romance] it’s impossible to miss :

1. Rani says: ‘What happened to me is the same as XYZ uncle, he did not drink, he did not smoke, but still he got cancer. It would have been better for him if he smoked and drank.’

2. Dawns upon Rani: ‘I obeyed by parents, my teachers, my fiance, his parents… in fact I obeyed everybody I could obey.’

3. When he warns her against Mummyji disapproval, she asks the Mr Shravan Kumar to go tell Mummyji.

No guilt or horror, just the realization that it was okay (or awesome) to have learnt and made some sensible and unconventional choices.

4. Loved the flash backs each time she learns how awesome freedom and self reliance was, like when she dances [Good Indian women don’t dance] and when she drives.

5. Also, loved how, like Highway, this movie too shows that all men are not potential rapists.

6. Was glad that aggression and claims of attempting to protect were not passed off as love.

I agree with freebird,

It feels like our country is actually changing. I wouldn’t have expected a film on this subject to be made from mainstream cinema a few years ago, let alone that it would be handled so well. And the average movie-going audience have loved the film – some indication that our country is finally accepting the idea of true liberation. I loved it from start to finish. I was nervous that the film may show Rani to be apologetic at the end (don’t know if you saw Lajja – where somehow Manisha Koirala ‘forgives’ her husband as an ‘adarsh bharatiya nari’ at the end). Totally loved that Rani is not just unapologetic, she actually never gives any kind of explanation to anyone else (I expected one scene where she ‘convinces’ her parents about the path she chose). You don’t need anyone’s approval for your choices – that’s true ‘liberation’ 🙂

– freebird

Another video:

Related Posts:

Kangana Ranaut’s interview.

Ek Hindustani ladki ki Izzat.

English Vinglish: When even good Indian women have feelings.

Shuddh Desi Romance : When Getting Married and Staying Married is not an Indian woman’s life purpose.

Eleven reasons why I liked Highway.

Hasee toh Phasee : When a Bollywood hero is an Emotional Dhakkan.

Refusal to have sex during honeymoon is not cruelty: Bombay high court

Why do we see contradictory judgments on issues of denial of sex by wife or the wife being forbidden from wearing what she likes to wear?

Refusal to have sex during honeymoon is not cruelty: Bombay high court 

 

But earlier in another case in Delhi,

Denying sex to spouse on first night ground for marriage annulment: Delhi high court

[“…the wife’s cruel act of denying sex to the husband especially on the very first night and then not to actively participate in it”]

I think because it is impossible to completely ignore the unfairness in situations that so clearly deny human rights to those being judged. And while, for many, it does raise “…the specter of a man going for long periods without sex even though he’s married!” [Do click and read]

And maybe while some of us may have never really given it a serious thought, we do sense something wrong with any adults being controlled by other equal adults?

Maybe we sense that women’s sexuality and women’s clothing are both used as means to control women’s lives and choices?

Maybe we do see the sense of entitlement in forbidding anybody from wearing clothes of their choice, or from from socializing or making friends of their own choice (let alone having consensual sex)? And then being grateful for opportunities to serve their lords and masters.

Maybe we sense there is more to it? Where does this sense of entitlement come from? Maybe we see slavery in the tradition of some people being kept in dependence so that they can be expected to serve, obey and adjust?

Maybe we do sense it’s wrong (even though many of us never question) how the above is made possible with use of force, violence, threats of murder, social boycott, moral policing, by denial of opportunities to form any preferences/opinions of their own.

So we actually have adults who think controlling what other people wear is not cruelty, wearing what is found comfortable is cruelty.

The spouse here felt it was cruel to deny him the right to control what the wife wore,

The court also ruled that a wife donning shirts and pants to office occasionally and going out of town for office work soon after marriage also would not amount to cruelty towards her husband.

More examples of this same sense of entitlement.

… the wife cited several instances of cruelty…. One of her grievances was that she was forced to wear sari by her in-laws.

“… the wife’s cruel act of denying sex to the husband especially on the very first night and then not to actively participate in it”

So some of us think controlling other people’s lives is not cruelty, while their not being controlled is cruelty.

Related Posts:

Who will benefit from criminalising sexual assaults within marriages?

Would this crime have been reported if he had mercilessly raped her but not sodomised her?

“In my own company in a cosmopolitan city, I know women who were horrified on the First Night.”

A comment- ‘Reverse the gender, and it is marital rape.’

Rapist groom should have waited a little to satiate his lusty desires without problems which he has got into.

His mother filed an affidavit that she works 8 am to 8 30 pm, but does ‘no additional work’ at home.”

“After marriage he started pressurizing me to immediately try to take up a well paying job because otherwise how will he do an MBA… ”

Sharing an email.

Hi IHM,
I love reading your blog, and completely agree with much of what you write, like the Indian patriarchal joint family being the reason Indians are son obsessed and abort girls.
I also love reading the views and discussions on your blog.
I would be grateful if you could feature my story on your blog, as I’d like to know what your readers have to say about this situation I’m in.

I am a 27+ Indian female, I got married a year back in an arranged marriage.My husband is 31, 4 years older to me. Both of us are only children, and while he comes from a pretty rich family with huge property etc, I too come from a well off background. My husband had done a Masters in Finance and Accounting followed by a CPA. He works in a bank in London. He had tried applying for British citizenship thrice and got rejected thrice. His salary has stagnated for the last two years.

His friends, who are top investment bankers and consultants and MBA’s from top schools in India, earn two and a half to three times what he does, they’ve bought apartments in London entirely with their own money.

He now says that he hopes to do an MBA from London Business School or if he doesn’t get through London Business School then from some “top” school in USA. That is how he says he can catch up with his IIT/IIM investment banker and consultant buddies. I think its difficult to ever catch up with them, given how high they’ve moved in their careers, also he says he won’t do consulting as there’s “no life”.

I have moved to London to live with him.

Before marriage, he had mentioned that he’d recently applied for British citizenship but didn’t mention that he’d been rejected twice before or that he’d applied twice before. Thus, we had no idea that he’s such a London freak.

He had also never mentioned that he plans to do an MBA, especially that he plans to go to USA for his MBA for two years. The topic of MBA had come up briefly in our conversations when I’d mentioned that all my male cousins are IIT and/or IIM A grads. He got very annoyed that day saying that he’s not an IIT IIM, and if I don’t like it I shouldn’t marry him. His mom had also called up my mom saying that their son is very upset, and that if I’d wanted to marry an IIT, IIM guy, I shouldn’t have spoken to their son.I had then apologized and said I had no desire to belittle him, I was only mentioning my cousins settled abroad.

Even in all this, he never mentioned that he wanted to do an MBA, or that he’d given his GMAT twice before in the last year. We’d also mentioned many times to them that I am not at all a career oriented girl.

After marriage he started pressurizing me to immediately try to take up a well paying job because otherwise how will he do an MBA, who will earn and who will stay in London with a job while he goes off to USA to do an MBA (he feels he wants to come back to London to look for a job after doing his MBA in ase he doesn’t get a campus placement in London, and if his wife is not working there, it won’t be possible for him to do that.

As I said, his family is very well off and they’d had bought him a lovely apartment in a posh locality in London for which his dad paid the down payment and he’s paying the EMI.

He wants someone who’ll pay the EMI now while he fulfills his “dream” of doing an MBA.

His mom had called up my mom and said that while he does his MBA in USA, I can take up a job and remain behind in London as I’d then be earning in pounds and can pay the emi. My mom was furious on hearing this, especially since before marriage they’d mentioned that they’d rejected one software engineer girl already because she wanted to go to USA for one year on a project and the entire purpose of marriage is to live together, so why should they spring this surprise now upon us of me having to live alone in London for two years?

My husband will be 32/33 when he starts his MBA and 33/35 when he completes it, depending on where he gets in.

When I asked him why he didn’t mention his MBA in USA plans before marriage, he said I should’ve specifically asked him whether he plans to do an MBA.

I find it difficult to accept that, I feel if a 30+ man is getting married, he should’ve ideally completed all his education and educational “dreams” (stuff like PHD and Post Doc are different, as you earn while you study those stuff) but stuff like MBA’s, not even Executive MBA’s should be ideally completed in the Indian context. (I feel the same even if this was a 30+ woman btw)

If they’re not, and if the entire expectation is that the wife who is 4 years younger will run the house, pay the EMI and bills etc and keep a footing in London for the hubby to come back and job hunt, while the husband does an MBA in USA then that should be mentioned before marriage.

I completely understand that in the modern context, it is often expected that both husband and wife work and earn, but in an arranged marriage, with a 30+ husband having “dreams” to do an MBA post marriage with the wife living & working alone in London, it should be mentioned.

Instead all they’d mentioned was that they’re very against “long distance relationships” and they’d cancelled a girl who wanted to go to USA for just one year, because the “very purpose” of marriage was being together.

I had also told him before marriage that I might open a business in London, to which he’d said okay, now he strictly wants me to get a high paying job.

I am an only child and I’ve always “loved” kids and had hopes of being a mom, and soon. In fact, I’d often told my friends and relatives that I’m getting married because I love babies and want my own ones.

I am 27+ now, and I would ideally start trying for a family now, or by the time I’m 28, so that I could have my first child by 30.

My husband says he can’t even think of children, because they’re unaffordable given his salary in London, but he can’t think of going anywhere else(except for his education). If he does his MBA, I’ll be 31+ when he completes it, his mom and all my three paternal aunts had hysterectomies due to cysts and fibroids in their early thirties, I’m very worried I’ll also suffer from such stuff then.

I also feel cheated with this whole MBA lie.

What should I do? I have contemplated divorce

Sharanya – the OP

EDITED TO ADD:

Please read these comments by Sharanya – the OP before responding.

1.

@Fem

I’m an Office Assistant btw, a Secretary, a PA. How easy is it for someone like me to
1) quickly land a high paying job in a foreign country
2) pay the EMI for quite a big apartment and maintain a decent standard of living for myself?

He had also told his parents that he wanted a ” very beautiful” wife as he comes from such a high status family, I don’t want to sound vain but I am quite attractive. He also wanted someone who was traditional and homely and I ticked their checklist about these qualities.

However i’ve never been very bright academically nor has my career taken off brilliantly. I made it all clear to them and I thought its obvious anyway.

I’ve met some very bright girls in UK who earn a lot, my husband & his parents should’ve ideally searched for such a girl.

His best friend, that Mc Kinsey guy’s wife doesn’t work, she’s studying something and her husband funds her education, they had a love marriage and dated for 5 years before marriage, he also sends 1000 GBP (this becomes a big sum in INR) to his in laws every month as her father passed away early and she has three younger sisters and a mom who needs the money.All this was agreed before marriage.

He can afford such a wife, my husband can’t afford a Secretary wife and we wouldn’t have agreed to the match anyway had I known all these plans.

This was an arranged marriage and one of the biggest foundation of future love, respect & trust is truthful disclosure of all facts before marriage, which was trust king in our case.

2. Sharanya – the OP on February 24, 2014 at 1:08 pm said:

3. Sharanya – the OP on February 24, 2014 at 12:34 pm said:

4. Sharanya – the OP on February 24, 2014 at 12:04 pm said:

5. Sharanya – the OP on February 24, 2014 at 11:47 am said:

6. Sharanya – the OP on February 24, 2014 at 9:38 am said:

Related Posts:

An email from a Mother in law.

Reply from the Indian mother in law.

“Although my in laws maintain a facade of being content with what they have and never asking the girl’s side for anything…”

Some basic questions on joint family finances and daughters in law.

Instead of eyeing their husbands’ ancestral property, why don’t Indian daughters in law make their own homes?

An email: Can a woman be married off with a promise to the in laws, that her father would find a job for her?