And what would have happened if this man had declared that he was gay and hence would not marry a woman?

Would he still risk being arrested under the same Sec 377?

It seems the crime he is being arrested for is not that he cheated the woman (for that we have options like asking the victim to adjust), but that he is gay.

But what options did the legal system permit this citizen here? Stay unmarried and pretend he is not gay?

Sec 377 slapped on Infosys techie after wife catches his gay acts on spycam

Though they had been married for a good six months, John allegedly refused to touch Lisa and did not initiate any physical contact with her. The two even slept in separate rooms, according to the dentist.

“I first spoke to John and advised him to get a medical test done, thinking he did not want to get intimate with me because he was impotent. However, he flatly refused; so I had no option but to approach his parents. Imagine my utter shock when they blamed me for their son not being attracted to me, saying he was ‘perfect’ and that I was flawed in some way…” Lisa recalled.

 

[Newly wed Sweety faced the same pressure to ‘attract’ Smartu in this case. – IHM]

 

…Finally, the dentist decided to take matters into her own hands. Turning detective, she installed hidden cameras…  she was aghast to find recordings of her husband’s homosexual encounters with another man. … armed with the evidence, walked into the nearest police station to file a complaint.

 

“I have also accused my in-laws of cheating me since I believe they knew their son was gay, but intentionally led me to believe he wasn’t. They have cheated me and ruined my life by getting me married to him,” the dentist rued.

Related Posts:

“If I was born somewhere else, sometime later, in a more liberal family, in a more equal world…”

Can a woman marry and change an uninterested (in marrying her) man into a responsible, loving husband?

“Homosexuality is criminal offence, Supreme Court rules.”

The Liberals will Live And Let Live…

Who is the victim in this crime?

How do you define Sin?

How Do You Distinguish Right from Wrong?

Denying sex to spouse on first night ground for marriage annulment: Delhi high court

Maybe it’s because we are still a young Democracy…

 

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How can forced marriages be prevented when the person being married off is dependent on the people forcing them to be married off?

How can forced marriages be prevented when the person being married off is dependent on the people forcing them to be ‘married off’?

What can make it easier for those who are being forced to get married, to fight back these pressures? 

Sharing an email.

‘But I am scared that I would be forced to marry and by force. I mean it.’

Hi,

I just turned 26 last week. I worked for three years in an IT company. I have my GMAT scheduled in a week. I am being pestered for marriage at my home. The whole day I hear my mother cribbing about me to relatives. They have got this whole squad behind my ass. My only aim right now is to get admitted to a reputed college in us for MBA. Its got so ugly at home that there is no emotional support for my career. That’s fine I never needed that but there is so much of negativity at this time. I have postponed my exam twice already. This time I know I am going to give it and apply soon. But I am scared that I would be forced to marry and by force I mean it. I have no clue how far the emotional blackmail would go it has already crossed most of its limits. They keep saying stuff that they paid for my education brought me up etc etc but if I had known that the cost would be living my whole life their way even if you don’t like it I would have never grown up lol. Times like this … I really feel like giving up. But I had so many dreams and I try so hard to fill myself with positivity. I try too hard. I can’t find words to pen down that would explain how troubled n lonely I feel right now. I don’t even believe in arranged marriage.

Should I start meeting guys so that at least I land in US?

Related Posts:

“Only thing I can can think of now is to take a spoon of boiling oil and put on my cheeks. I will see then who marries a girl with a burnt face”

“I am betraying my parents, country and culture by not having an arranged marriage, people are talking, younger sisters not getting married.”

Why is abuse by parents taken so lightly by Indians?

Indian family values are good for Indian daughters?

Only when raising ideal daughters in law is not their goal, would Indian parents be able enjoy having and bringing up girl children.

Marriages are sold to Indian women in a glossy cover…?

“I am betraying my parents, country and culture by not having an arranged marriage, people are talking, younger sisters not getting married.”

Sharing an email.

Hi there,
I can’t believe I am writing to you but I guess when you think the only way out it to kill yourself then you must make sure that you have checked all avenues before blaming yourself to be source of all pain (and therefore concluding that eliminating yourself is the only solution).

I am a female, 31 and (for my sins) single. I have been living in UK for 11 years. I studied in UK and now have a good job, circle of friends, my own flat and I am about to start studying for a second masters degree this year. My family lives in India (in one of the two big metro cities). I have not taken a single penny from my family since I have left India, in fact I have helped them when they needed it. We are three sisters and a brother ( I am the eldest).

My parents have made my life miserable for the last 6-7 years about getting married. My parents want me to marry a Brahmin Indian guy selected by them in an arrange marriage fashion (their source for guys is the TOI and HT matrimonial sections). I don’t believe in arrange marriage.

I was in an on and off relationship with a British Asian guy for 4.5 years. We broke up when I was 29 because of his commitment phobia (he is 37 now).  I partly blame them for my only ever relationship not working out. Even while I was with him, they kept asking me to meet the people they were selecting because my ex was one caste lower and therefore not acceptable to them. I wanted to please them (was too scared to let them down because they have taught us that if one upsets ones parents then one leads a horrible life and gets sent to hell by God) , was weak and was not feeling secure in my own relationship either, so I kept meeting other men they were suggesting on the side. I didn’t remotely like single one of them.

Parents have visited me once in UK (my sisters have been here a couple of times) but that makes them qualified (they think) to choose a suitable guy for me.  I, who has resided here for 11 years and made all the adult life decisions alone, am not qualified to choose my own life partner.

I thought if I tell them that I will no longer meet guys they are suggesting, then all this will stop. So I did that a year ago. But they did not listen. Recently they still insisted that I speak with another guy. I spoke with him reluctantly on the phone. As expected he was not my type, so I refused to see him. My mother has not spoken to me since because I did not meet the guy and said no after a phone conversation.

The emotional blackmail is relentless: younger sisters not getting married because of me, dad’s age (he believes he is very old at 65 and can die any moment), I am betraying my parents, country and culture by not having an arrange marriage, I am the cause of everyone’s illness, I am selfish, I don’t care about anyone as I am use to being on my own and living an independent life, how can I be happy if I am not married,  “ladki haath se nikal gayi” when you left India, I trusted you but you betrayed us, you are ungrateful for everything we have done for you, people are talking all kinds of crap about you….the list of what I am apparently doing wrong by not having an arrange marriage is endless.

Dad today also said that I should give up everything in UK and come back to India. I asked him why do you want that and he said “So that we can marry you and show the world that you married a guys of our choice. There is nothing wrong with that, is there?” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! It was as if a devil had taken over my dad! This has been the last straw for me.

I am tired of this now. I cannot think of a way out of this. I feel alone as I am ashamed to confide in people in the UK that my parents are forcing me to get married. I think that if I die then all this will die with me and they will not be upset anymore. Help me please. Is there anything I can do to change this.

Thanks.

Related Posts:

“Only thing I can can think of now is to take a spoon of boiling oil and put on my cheeks. I will see then who marries a girl with a burnt face”

What Khaps need is a strictly implemented law against Forced Marriages.

Four kinds of marriages in modern India. Which ones would you ban?

Parents should choose the boy for a girl aged below 21, as it is they who bear the brunt of an unsuccessful marriage – Karnataka HC

Love Marriages spoil the Family System of our Nation.

How illegal bans on Valentine’s day and birthday parties are connected with dowry deaths and sex selection.

Are these the eight reasons you would give in support of Arranged Marriages?

Early and arranged marriages within the community prevent social ills.

A marriage arranged by the parents is better because they have experience.

“I need suggestions – these girls are ruining their lives with their stupid ideas about love.”

Why is abuse by parents taken so lightly by Indians?

Indian family values are good for Indian daughters?

Only when raising ideal daughters in law is not their goal, would Indian parents be able enjoy having and bringing up girl children.

Marriages are sold to Indian women in a glossy cover…?

“In my own company in a cosmopolitan city, I know women who were horrified on the First Night.”

Do take a look at this email with a link – shared by Sharmila.

Tradition, custom and culture can make parents of Indian daughters not just tolerate but enforce all this, and worse, on their daughters. Can you imagine this sort of crimes being tolerated if it wasn’t for tradition? 

Hi IHM

We all know how arranged marriages happen in our country and how marital rapes are condoned. The below is the link to a letter i found in quora.com, written by an anonymous girl who was forcefully married off to her uncle(mom’s younger bro).

http://www.quora.com/Arranged-Marriages/How-does-it-feel-to-have-sex-with-a-stranger-on-your-wedding-night/answers/2400693

I was forced to break off all contact with my boyfriend (mobile, internet snatched away, I don’t think I could even have sent a letter, it was so bad) and forced to dive head-first into the wedding arrangements.

The day of the wedding came, and after a really embarrassing lecture from my mother, about my ‘marital duties’ since I was the eldest daughter and no friends had been allowed to my wedding (my parents believed they would whisk me away from the wedding if they came to know), I got ready for the ‘wedding night’. I was already feeling completely shitty about the whole thing, having been cut off from every person that I wanted to be with, being married to my ‘mama‘ in secrecy, and not even knowing whether to think of him as a husband or my mama, and  just wanted to sleep hoping a new day would bring a new start. I waited for my husband to come and when he entered, we exchanged a few awkward sentences about the whole day being tiresome. I then told him “I’m feeling very tired, I will change and go to sleep now” but I was not prepared for what happened next. He suddenly kissed me, and I was a little taken aback, but I just pulled away slowly, and told him that I was not in the mood, and reiterated that I was very tired. He ignored me completely, and kissed me again, this time with more force, and when I tried to push him away, he slapped me.
This was followed by the most horrible experience of my life, the details of which shake me to this day, and I somehow escaped by locking myself in the bathroom. [link]

Please take out time to read this. Do let me know if the link is not working.
You should share it on your blog so that more young women and men read it. Considering that our law makers are not for now going to make marital rape a crime, the least we can do is make the young men aware that in arranged marriages, how women feel regarding sex(rather forced sex). Somehow arranged marriages are glorified in our country. No one seems to understand that women too have desires which include sexual ones. Why is it that people assume that sex is something women need to give and men only the pleasure? I felt so sad reading this. Atleast she had the courage to run away.

In the same link i sent, if you scroll down, you will notice many more comments about arranged marriage. The thing is, many Indian women don’t know what is sex. Men argue, when women get married they are prepared to have sex with them. But no, they dont. In my own company (which is a big corporate) in a cosmopolitan city, I know women who were horrified on the “First Night”. One female colleague told me seeing movies, she thought it was only kissing, hugging, fondling. She was horrified that someone will touch her down there. Seems she cried so much during the wedding night and her husband was nice enough to be patient. Three months into marriage, she realized that her husband won’t wait any longer and let herself be raped. She came and sobbed to us the next day. I did not know what to even say to her.

When will this situation improve?

Regards
Sharmi

Related Posts:

Why did they surrender themselves repeatedly and offer sex to their husbands when…

Denying sex to spouse on first night ground for marriage annulment: Delhi high court

Who will benefit from criminalising sexual assaults within marriages?

“why not marry them first and then have sex ? What prevents you from doing it ? Deep within YOU WANT JUST SEX and nothing more”

Where Consensual Sex is Rape, and Forced Sex a legal right.

Live in Relationships: The man gets a temporary disposable wife?

What Khaps need is a strictly implemented law against Forced Marriages.

Bad times for Khaps. The girls are beginning to seek legal-protection and report sexual assaults instead of dying honourably.

All along the Khaps have had it in their power to deny little girls nutrition, education, freedom, inheritance, safety from sexual assaults and domestic violence, life and happiness. And now they are losing that power. That’s the real issue.

Please consider,

1. Less than one percent of Choice Marriages in Haryana (where couples have sought legal protection) are within the same-gotra. [link]

Less than one percent.

2. When families want a same-gotra marriage, they allow one of the same-gotra-partners to be ‘adopted’ by a different-gotra relative. Gotra is changed, marriage is performed.

3. It seems nobody calls same gotra marriages a Western influence or incest or immoral (etc) unless the couple chose each other.

So it seems the Khaps more concerned about women choosing their own partners (where they might choose equality, love and respect instead of caste; and are very likely to dare to ask for their share in property).

So how do the Khaps preserve their unlimited powers over the lives of Haryana’s little girls? Claim they are objecting to something that might find support from atleast some Indians.

Now the Khaps want the Hindu Marriage Act amended to ban same-gotra-marriages.

“People kill their daughters out of the fear that one day they might elope with men of the same gotra,”

“The minds of the younger generation have been corrupted due to invasion of obscene and vulgar culture. Our youngsters have forgotten the rich values and customs of our society,” said Baljit Malik of Gathwala khap.
Addressing the meeting, Hardeep Ahlawat demanded a change in the law to ban matrimonial ties between couples from same gotras and same villages — traditionally viewed as brothers and sisters.
“A legal ban on such marriages would also help curb the menace of honour killings and female feticide which has brought a bad name to Haryanvi society,” said Om Prakash Dhankar, a khap leader.

Other leaders argued that there would not be any honour killings or female foeticide if same-gotra marriages were banned. “People kill their daughters out of the fear that one day they might elope with men of the same gotra,” said Dhankar.

Do we have a law against Semi-Forced and Forced Marriages? Isn’t that what the Khaps should be given when they ask for ban on same gotra marriages? (Because they really need to be told that they don’t get to decide who two consenting adults marry or live with).

And not a word from Khaps about banning of buying of one wife (from other states or countries),  for two, three or more brothers in a family?

Related Posts:

Haryana panchayat cuts off married girls from parents’ property

Four kinds of marriages in modern India. Which ones would you ban?

Parents should choose the boy for a girl aged below 21, as it is they who bear the brunt of an unsuccessful marriage – Karnataka HC

Love Marriages spoil the Family System of our Nation.

How illegal bans on Valentine’s day and birthday parties are connected with dowry deaths and sex selection.

This is what Haryana Khaps are not saying.

19 Rape Facts that Khaps, Cops and Chautala should know.

Khaps and Chautala claim that rapes can be prevented by child marriages. [Link]

What do Chautala and Khaps think rape is?

I am realizing that at least some Indians believe any sex outside marriage is Rape, (even if both the partners are willing and above the age of consent) and sex within marriage can never be rape  – even if it is forced/coerced.

In Tehelka sting operation an NCR cop complained about women,“They’ll drink and also have sex with you. But the day someone uses force, it’s rape”   His words –

Daru bhi peeti hai aur aap ke saath sex bhi karti hai… Jis din koi thok dega rape ho jayega‘. [Tehelka link]

Fact 1: When one of the partners is not saying Yes, it is not consent. Sex without consent is Rape. Another post on the legal definition.

Some more facts.

The Hisar gangrape – Sept 9

A Class 12 student was kidnapped, blindfolded, gagged and  gang raped, while she was on her way to her grandmother’s place. The rape was filmed on cellphone. The MMS was doing the rounds.

The teen has told the police that of the 12 men who raped her, eight were upper-caste Jats. They all live in or near her village, she says she can identify them all, but only two men have been arrested so far.

11 days later her father committed suicide.

Link, Another link.

Fact 3: If it wasn’t for media and the changing attitudes towards rapes, this rape would not have been reported.

And some questions: Do you think this is one rare case of its kind or are such rapes common? What did we do to make rapists so fearless?

The Jind gangrape – Sept 21

The accused barged into the (married) woman’s house looking for her husband and when they did not find him, they brutally raped her …Her daughter stood outside the house screaming in fright. The victim said that the men made a video of the whole gruesome act and threatened to make it public if she reported the matter to the police.  Link1, Link2

Fact 4 : The victim could not be blackmailed with a video in which criminals are committing a crime. This must feel like the end of the good old days (sarcasm) to rapists.

Fact 5 : When shame can’t be used to exploit women, we would see rapists being shamed. (And, blamed, convicted, punished and condemned)

Sonepat –Sept 28

The abduction and alleged gang rape of a newly-married woman in Sonipat’s Gohana. Link

 

Fact 6: Marriage does not prevent rapes. Fact 7: Forced sex is rape even when the victim is not a  virgin.

Sonepat  Sept 28

A class XI student, had gone to buy grocery from a shop when the main accused, Amit alias Kali, sent her to the adjoining godown to pick up certain items. The girl was trapped inside the godown and was raped by the four.

They overpowered the girl and raped her. They threatened her not to complain to the police. [Link]

Fact 8: The victim knew (and could identify) the rapists. Fact 9: The rapists clearly did not expect her to report. They were probably banking on Khap-style shame and honor, and expected the girl to take her own life, or be blackmailed by them.

Bhiwani – Oct 1

A 14-year-old girl was allegedly kidnapped and raped in a moving jeep near Sandwa village… The incident occurred at 7.15 pm… when the girl, a student of class 8, was on her way home. Police have rounded up two accused who claim to be known to the victim.

After committing the crime, the men returned to the village to pick up an accomplice. The girl hit one of the accused who was drunk. He fell off the jeep and she managed to escape in the confusion. [Link]

Fact 10: The girl managed to hit one of the accused. She showed presence of mind and immense courage. And she is just 14.

Instead of suggesting semi-forced and arranged child marriages, Chautala should have suggested a bravery award, free counseling and support – to encourage other rape victims to feel confident about dealing with rapists and reporting rapes.

Yamunanagar, Bhadeli village – Oct 2

The 16-year-old girl, who belongs to a weaker section of society, was allegedly raped by a youth known to her… The youth took her in his car … and on the way one more person joined him. LinkLink.

Fact 11 In 90% of rape cases the crime is pre-planned and the rapist is known to the victim.

Fact 12 : What would help is the fear of the victim refusing to be silenced with shame. And being taken seriously.

Jind district, Berlakha village. Oct 3

Human trafficker Dhanwa raped a 28-year-old woman…   The woman’s in-laws had allegedly roped in Dhanwa to sell her and she was raped as her sister-in-law sent her to the village on the pretext of meeting a relative. Villagers working in the nearby fields thrashed Dhanwa before handing him over to the police after driver Gurtej Singh spotted them and raised an alarm.  Link

Fact: Marriage does not prevent rapes. Rapists are rarely absolute strangers.

Fact: Cultures that support Rapists enable rape being used for silencing, blackmailing and exploiting   rape-victims.

 Rohtak – Oct 3

A 15-year-old Dalit girl was allegedly lured by three women relatives in Kachchi Garhi Mohalla colony of Rohtak and then raped by a youth last evening, police said. The girl was called out of her house by the accused women and was taken to an abandoned house by car on the Hisar road on the outskirts of the village where she was raped. Police have registered a case against five persons, including the three relatives of the victim and also arrested the key accused. http://articles.timesofindia.indiatimes.com/2012-10-03/chandigarh/34238088_1_dalit-girl-rohtak-narwana

Fact 13 : Rape is a crime of hate and aggression, frequently used to cause hurt. Fact 14 :
Cultures that support rapists facilitate such crimes.

Rohtak – Oct 3

A minor, mentally-challenged Dalit girl was allegedly raped… The 15-year-old was allegedly lured by three women relatives in Kachchi Garhi Mohalla colony of Rohtak and then raped by a man in an abandoned house. Link

Fact 14: When we make excuses for rapists we make them shameless and inhuman. Fact: Rapists in rape cultures are encourages to believe that they are entitled to sex, and that it’s natural to rape someone if they want to have sex.

Panipat. Oct 3

A 12-year-old girl from Panipat was abducted and allegedly raped on by a distant cousin, 25.  [link]

City police station SHO Vishal Kumar said the medical examination report has been sent to forensic science laboratory in Karnal for further analysis as the department wants to be doubly sure before taking any action. [Link]

Fact: In 90% of rape cases the rapist is known to the victim.

Jind/Rohtak/Sonipat – Oct 4

A 13-year-old girl was raped by 45 year old neighbour: Police sources said 42-year-old Prakash Saini, who works at a sweet shop, barged into the teenaged schoolgirl’s house and allegedly raped her while her parents were away. Saini fled after the girl’s paternal aunt saw him raping the girl and raised an alarm.  [Link]

Fact: If the aunt had not witnessed the crime, he would have attempted to use shame and fear to silence the victim,. Our culture of blaming and shaming the victims promotes such crimes.

Fact 15: It’s a myth that locking women inside homes prevents sexual crimes. Women having a voice can help control sexual crimes.

Jind Gang rape and victim’s suicide. Oct 7 

…the victim in her statement to the police said that one of her neighbours Pradeep allegedly dragged her into his house while the sister-in-law of the accused kept guard standing on the terrace of the house so that nobody could come inside. Pradeep and another youth Naveen raped the teenager.

[Link] [Link]

Fact: Rapists (specially in rape cultures like ours) unlike most other violent criminals, can rely on the chances of the victim either committing suicide or being shamed into silence.

 Palwal: Oct 8

The horror of rape continues unabated in Haryana. A woman was allegedly raped in Mathepur village in Palwal, when she went to the fields to collect fodder. The accused ran away as the victim shouted for help. [Link]

Fact: In Rape culture rapists have no real fear of punishment.

Faridabad: Oct 10

A 20-year-old domestic maid has alleged rape by her employer, a scrap dealer. [Link]

Fact: Alleged rapists known to the victim.

Ambala – A widow was raped by her acquaintance’

According to a complaint lodged by the 30-year-old victim, Rajinder, who is an acquaintance of her late husband, brought her to Ambala on the pretext of showing her some plot, where he offered her juice laced with sedatives, they said.

After she became unconscious, the accused raped her and filmed the crime and even threatened her with dire consequences if she informed anyone about the incident. [Link]

Fact 16: Rapists look like normal people. 90% rapes are preplanned. Fact 17 :
Women do not have magical sixth sense that lets them read minds of criminals (Women are human). Indian rapists feel safe enough to rely on threatening, shaming, blackmailing and silencing the victim.

A five-month pregnant married Dalit woman – Oct 11

1.  Haryana woman alleges gang rape, cops deny claim

The Kaithal police arrested two youth on Tuesday evening for allegedly gang raping a 19-year-old married woman at Kalayat town, near Kaithal. However, the district police claim that the circumstantial evidences and investigations rule out the possibility of a gang rape and that she had illicit relations with both accused since long. [Link]

2.  The victim was medically examined Tuesday and rape was confirmed. [link] [Another link]

Pregnant Dalit woman raped in Haryana- The Hindu

Fact 18: The police in India urgently needs to have clear instructions about what to do when somebody approaches them alleging a sexual assault.

Fact 19 : Citizens should know if the police are allowed to refuse to investigate, judge, blame, name, shame, rape or make statements to the media that they (the police) are not held accountable for?

  Yamunanagar. Oct 11

A 14-year-old girl was allegedly raped. As Yamunanagar district borders Himachal Pradesh’s Sirmaur district with the victim raped being raped near the border, a dispute over territorial jurisdiction between the police departments of the two states delayed the registration of the case against the accused. link

Fact: This is not unheard of. Citizens and police should both know what their rights are in such situations.

Posts related to lack of awareness of above mentioned facts:

The rapists often don’t see their actions as crimes, the police said, and don’t expect the victims to report them.

Why was this radio cabbie, a rapist, not afraid of being arrested?

Five rapists in Patna want to marry gangrape victim.

This is what rapists do when there is no fear of punishment.

Rapist said that coming from Afghanistan meant he didn’t understand what ‘consent’ was.

“The wife is quite clingy and certainly believes the husband is everything.”

An update from A’s friend – please read the previous post and comments before reading this post.

Hi IHM,Thanks,

I have read the comments and made A read it to. I don’t think I would post on the blog, I would probably be smashed, I am just the messenger. In any case I have talked six hours straight yesterday, some interesting things have come up. 

The wife has already suspected on more than one occasion that something is not right.

There are two instances where he got really angry on her for some reason and later apologized profusely.

He has told her about the home situation hoping she would agree to get out of the marriage. This was like four months ago. She got frantically upset for some time but eventually agreed to live with A, now according to A the wife is quite clingy and certainly believes the husband is everything, she has had that classic desi upbringing. She has agreed to tentatively to live with the parents but also suspects they will never come out of the basement.

A thinks she only agreed because she has no control over the situation.

It’s the clingy nature of the wife that he is really afraid of, he feels he will not only have to placate the parents but also the wife. The parents are dead-set against him moving out, the siblings support her. Even if the mother agrees she only does it while pulling the guilt chain. 

I am surprised by the parents, they are both working and healthy enough to do the jobs. Didn’t think working parents who have a job to worry about manipulate like this. 

His elder brother marriage is what has set the tone for the idea of running, the way the brother’s wife is being treated scares him, they are nice to her but curse her behind her back. The brother is in the same predicament he never wanted the wife & resented the parental control. He over time has accepted it and the marriage now is a convenience.

The brother does not want kids, the mother it seems has tried under-handed tactics for his divorce – ironic since the parents pushed him into this. It gets worse, A does not want kids in this environment while the wife is crazy for it. Yes he does think ending it now would be better than a lifetme of misery. I have no clue to what to tell him. I might fly out on the weekend to see him in Canada, I will keep you posted.  

***

Just wanted to add this because I feel this in part contributing to this fiasco, I did not know this before myself. 

A has told me that the marriage was agreed upon by the parents while he was asleep !!!!!. In the morning he was toldby the father “ab ham nay zuban day dee hay” meaning “now we have given our word”. From that point onward the mother has used every guilt injection possible:
a) engaging him to keep him busy in meaningless tasks
b) inducing guilt by faking frailty, sickness and poor health.
She has constantly rallied the siblings to extract information fromhim. 

Get this : The girl was told by her father “chahay ab woh kaisa bhi ho may nay zuban day dee hay” meaning ,”it doesnot matter how the boy is I have given my word”.

Can you believe this?

The girl appears to be willing to go throughwith the marriage but A thinks she does not know any better and is only going along with what she has been told.
Ironically so is A. 

So what does marriage mean to traditional and conservative Indians?

It seems a lot of Indians, even today, see marriage as a means to get someone to ‘look after’ the husband and his various requirements and responsibilities.

This is not an exaggeration or sarcasm.

Please read,‘Four kinds of marriages in modern India. Which ones would you ban?‘ about (amongst other marriages) a hundred year old man marrying a 60 year old widow to have someone to look after him in his old age.

“Soon after my mother’s death, my father requested us to find him another wife who would look after him.

Read this (link shared by a regular reader)

Thane: Drought leads to polygamy among farmers

The farmers in its villages are resorting to polygamy, so that there are more hands to fill and carry water from wells that are over two hours from their villages.

CNN-IBN visited one such family, where the farmer and his three wives have lived happily for over 30 years now. The family said it was a practical solution to the acute water problem the village had been facing for decades.

For the farmers, more wives meant more hands to carry water, because it takes at least four hours for a single person to carry two pots of water from the only well near the village.

One of the women inside the house said, “One lady takes care of the house and two of us go to fill water. We make two trips a day so getting water takes up all our time.”

The farmer (name withheld) himself said, “Water is available only for one month after the monsoon. For the rest of the year we have to walk four-five hours to get water.”

Why do women agree to such marriages?

Here’s why. Marriages are sold to Indian women in a glossy cover…? In short women in Patriarchal societies are not really given much choice. Rules, religion, rituals, customs, family values have been created to ensure women (and their families) agree to these terms.

Women are not allowed to have sex, children, jewelry, festivities etc unless they get married, and then they must Get Married and Stay Married. Self reliance, freedom and divorce are seen as decadence.

Do you think these societies would give up their privileges easily? They don’t really need to worry because most people, including women (the foot soldiers of Patriarchy) have no idea that this exploitation can be challenged. All that’s needed is for Indian people and their parents to start seeing self reliance, and not Get married and Stay married as Indian women’s goals.

Edited to add:

Scaredy Cat’s email shows that the way modern, educated  Indians see marriages is not much different. Here’s comment number 373 from Sufferer, in response to that email. Received just now.

@IHM
@Another Scaredy cat’s girl yours situation sounds too familiar. Stuck in same kind of situation where i have to behave my in laws want me to right from how i eat/drink/see/act and the my so liberal n cool husband also thinks that this us the only way how things should go without even realizing what i go through with all of this. All he wants is a loving family where in he is provided with a comfort zone of his parents and parents are taken care of and I..well I work work n work, I have to sit with them after coming from office even when want to cuddle into my bed for sometime and just relaxxx and read which i love. Well this is considered as being rude and then my husband tells me that this way you will be left alone so should sit with us without releasing what i want and wish to do.
Lots of simple issues actually turn into daily hard chores and the problem is i simply cant blindly follow someone be it my husband/in laws as i have my own eyes and my own way of doing somethings.

For @SC :: please be more sympathetic with the girl you will be going to get married as we are also humans with our own little wishes that needs to be taken care of and we also need someone to whom we can just share our thoughts blankly without being judged for good/bad, things that pinched us that sadly your parents did as there are bound to be such situations. Even if all the people in your home (your parents) and your wife n you are all goody goody there are bound to be situations of conflict as each has their own way doing and seeing things. So give a shoulder and your 2 ears to listen to her worries as well as in the end its you too who will have to live together.
So enjoyee it :)