“My dad tells me not to wear skimpy outfit when he is around”

My dad tells me not to wear skimpy outfit when he is around – Link shared by Swarup. 

According to this article, this dad, ‘has enough time to be a doting father and also gives his little girl thoughtful advices’ 

And all the comments agree.

‘which dad will not give this advice…!?’

And some assume the ‘thoughtful advices’ are meant to protect the daughter from crimes.

he is a genuine daughter loving father who wants to see her reason with the truth. Under Indian conditions and under Indian policing infrastructure, judicial system, he is giving her the wisest advise through himself.

This belief is so strong – it is almost as if there has been serious  research, and as if statistics have found that traditional clothing protects women from assaults. Why do we continue to believe and propagate such Rape Myths?

This mindset takes the focus away from the horror of the crime – it makes serious crimes a matter of shame, honor, clothing, timing, social life etc. And that make it difficult for victims to report sexual crimes.

Also consider – if a young woman has been ‘advised’ against wearing ‘skimpy’ clothes, isn’t there a risk that she might blame herself [link] if she is sexually harassed? What if the blaming and shaming silences her?

Yes, Indian conditions are frightening – but lies and myths have not protected women through the centuries. Why don’t we see that this doesn’t work?

Confidence and Awareness are more realistic tools. Equally (or more) empowering is having a Voice.

Also, the understanding that like any other crime, this crime too can only be controlled by putting the fear of the consequences in the mind of the criminal.

I wonder if instead of risking silencing with shame about clothing (or anything else) maybe a doting father would assure his support and love – no matter what.

That alone would be a step towards two of the three most powerful tools, towards Confidence and  towards having a Voice.

Related Posts:

“But, my only motive in life has been my daughter’s happiness which is now in your hands. I beg you, please keep her happy”

At what point should educated, 21st century women who can think liberally for themselves, take responsibility for themselves…

So what could make even the average, selfish, money-minded Indian family welcome baby girls?

Indian family values are good for Indian daughters?

Difficult daughters, easy sons?

What do you think of this mother, and this family?

“This man is openly threatening his daughter and is instigating others to burn alive their daughters.”

These lines sum up the biggest reason for male child preference and skewed gender ratio in India.

Rape and clothing: How it’s all dressed up – A guest post by Praveen Talwar.

“This is how we all do it. We find a corner in the house, where the others can’t see, and then dry them.”

“Here’s what I would tell my future/potential daughter, if I ever have one.”

A response to: Why we think women activists should change their attitude of “wear what you like”

Did the posters threatening acid attacks on women wearing jeans surprise you?

Dad knifes girl for speaking to lover


Yet another rape that was not about lust but about aggression, revenge and putting the victim in her place.

Like 98% rapes in this study : Study finds 98% of India rape victims knew their attacker.

1. This gang rape too was not about lust.

2. This rapist too was known to the victims.

3. And this rape too was preplanned.

So we are not blaming the victims then?

Read on. TOI: Gurgaon gang rape: Accused held, says he settled score

Two women raped in a moving car : Gurgaon

Gurgaon police on Friday nabbed the key accused … The accused has been identified as Dharambir, and it was he who planned the rape to get value for the Rs 10,000 he had paid to the two victims and also raped one of them.

Dharmabir had been trying to get to girls over the past week but when he couldn’t he got a friend to lure them to get into his car and then carried out the rape of the victims.

It also seems the rape survivors did not take lift, no idea why the earlier news reports claimed they took lift. I blogged about it here: Of course it was unsafe to ask for lift, but what exactly were their options?

Since their taxi driver had not reached in time to pick them up, they hired a Toyota Altis car for Rs 300 in front of Vipul Agora Mall building.

So if lust did not provoke the rapists then how do we blame the victims?

Please note, there is no hesitation in believing whatever an alleged rapist says prompted him plan the crime.

Take a look at just some of the TOI comments:

Cynic (India)

29 Jun, 2013 06:33 PM

It very much looks that the girls (?) wanted to cheat the person of the money they had borrowed. These ‘escort girl’ profession cannot be called an honourable one. It is something bordering that of call girls. And who knows for a right some the escorts might accompany to the rooms as well. There will be sob stories of such girls doing such things for want of a better job. But many go for such jobs just for the fun and better remuneration and lavish living…

2. After the reporting of this study I thought the media would focus on the findings, instead, here’s what some comments think can be learnt from such crimes.

  … Now here is lesson for all respectful girls who value their virtue more than the money. Surely girls were wrong in borrowing money which they could not afford to pay, then working in a profession which is highly vulnerable for girls and very likely to be taken advantage of. At the same time the act of r*pe by the accused does not justify their defence nor does it reduce the punishment they deserve. The accused do have right to seek refund of the money they lent in rightful way but have absolutely no right to violate the dignity of women as financial pay back.

3. And here’s what Indian society is ready to accept and not accept.

seems monetary dispute given r@p e twist!! Society’s moral degradation is to blame, no doubt rap e is heinous crime, but has our society and culture matured enough to accept what the gals were doing??

Study finds 98% of India rape victims knew their attacker.

Indian women are asked to stay at home to prevent stranger rapes that happen in public spaces to women who do not follow Indian culture? This puts women at risk from not being able to fight back 98% of sexual crimes against them – committed by some one they know, frequently inside or close to where they live or work.

Link shared by RenKiss : Study finds majority (98%) of India rape victims knew their attacker. Thanks RenKiss.

What is Stranger Rape Myth?

That most rapes happen outside victims’ homes in lonely or dark places, where women’s clothing or behavior (etc) ‘gets them raped’.

And what does this study indicate prove?

That most sexual assaults are not crimes of impulse, and that 98% rapists know who they are going to rape, and why they are likely to get away with the crime.

Sexual criminals in India know they are generally safe. Until recently they knew almost everybody would come in their support and the victim would be silenced with shaming and blaming.

Stranger rape myth puts women at greater risks because it controls women’s freedom and movement (victims are not free or empowered to leave an unsafe place) and Voices (who do they approach without fear of being blamed).

Because of the Stranger Rape Myth there is no effort to ensure that women and men understand that the law acknowledges that everybody’s bodies and lives and sexuality belong to themselves; and most people have never heard that no matter who else they have consensual sex with and no matter how attractive the rapist finds them, nobody has the right to sexually harass, molest or assault them.

Here’s a quick look at some recent sexual crimes. None of these are ‘stranger rapes’. Each rapists knew they were unlikely to be reported or punished.

If these victims took traditional advice to prevent sexual assaults,

How far could wearing sarees or staying at home after dark have protected any of these rape victims and survivors?

Which of these rapes could have been prevented if the rapists knew they would certainly be reported and punished?

1. Mentally ill woman raped by 3 over a period of time – The matter came to light when the victim’s brother came to know during health check up of his mentally ill sister that she is six-months pregnant… the victim revealed the incident only… after her brother convinced her to name the accused.[link]

Would you say this is a natural reaction of innocent men who get provoked when they find a woman attractive?

2. Minor girl set afire for resisting rape – “The girl alleged that Soni [the rapist] caught her while she was in the fields and tried to rape her. After she raised an alarm, Soni torched her and fled from the spot,” [link]

Rapists know that sexual crimes are not taken seriously.

3. Around 11 minor girls in a residential school were allegedly being raped since the last two years by the watchman and a contractual teacher… The local Panchayat had complained about the incident to the local administration six months ago, but they did not take action… [link]

Knowing the victim has no voice encourages crimes,

The girl told her classmates about the incident but nothing could be done as the students were not allowed to go out and the main gate of the Sevashram was locked. [link]

The only thing that could control these crimes was fear of consequences. 

4. Doctor booked for raping woman in hospital

Mumbai doctor on run after allegedly raping 27 year old girl in clinic

If victims felt safe outside their homes, if they knew their rights and if they had voices, would these rapists be so fearless?

5. Father arrested for rape-cum-murder of minor daughter

13-year-old girl allegedly raped by father, brother, uncle in Kerala

Click here to watch the video.

Woman hangs self after being raped by own brother in Madhya Pradesh

Teenage girl who committed suicide was raped

Like this godman, all rapists are criminals who know social norms  (basically Rape Culture) favor and support them. He is another one of the 98% rapists who knew the victim.

6. Godman held for raping woman

A response to: Why we think women activists should change their attitude of “wear what you like”

The post linked below explains that rapes are caused by men turning into rapists after being sexually aroused by women they find attractive, after which they go and hunt for victims and rape children. And that’s a valid reason for asking women to wear clothes that don’t make them look attractive to men.

Let me make a quick attempt to explain why I disagree. (Will edit and delete the repetitions)

Link shared by Manasa and Janaki D.

Quotes from the original post is in blockquotes.

Why we think women activists should change their attitude of “wear what you like”

Here’s why we think women activists should change their attitude of “wear what you like,” and should ask the young people and media moghuls to tone down.

IHM- Objectifying women means seeing women as legs, lips, skin, womb, uterus, goddesses, witches, honor, shame and ankles, and not as people with feelings and rights.
Feminists/activists have been asking media (and society) not to objectify women for a long time.
Go slow, relax, you aren’t proving anything by dressing provocatively. Okay?
IHM: Actually, women’s clothing not being controlled by random people does prove that the society has started understanding sexual crimes against women and seeing women as people.
But what is Provocative Dressing?
Women have been asked to stop wearing sarees [Link] [Link], salwar kurta [Link], jeans [Link], nightie/maxi , half sleeves blouses [Link] and school uniforms [Link]. In other parts of the world men are said to be at risk of being helplessly provoked into committing sexual assaults at the sight of women’s eye lashes through veils.
What kind of clothing is not provocative?
In Kerala around a 150 years ago women did not wear an upper garment and in the Nagaland, even today women do not wear blouses and men are used to seeing women as people not body parts, this is the only thing that would prevent men from being provoked into committing sexual assaults.
Also consider, are men in regressive societies where women are not respected or valued more prone to ‘losing control’?
Think about it. How much covering up is possible?
Take a look at women in Saudi Arabia and Afghanistan [Rapist said that coming from Afghanistan meant he didn’t understand what ‘consent’ was.]. A Saudi Arabian father raped and tortured his five year old (very disturbing, reader discretion advised), and this is not a rare case.
Which provocatively dressed women did this and other such fathers and cousins see in Saudi Arabia?
What if the man finds his own wife attractive? It’s okay to rape her if she doesn’t consent, or attack some other woman or child? 
Finding a woman attractive does not naturally lead to rapes. Most men are not rapists – this despite the way society encourages men to see sex as an entitlement, and to view rapes as sex.
Men (and women) need to be taught about consent and consequences.
You find these girls so scantily clad on the streets and think whether it’s fashion or a deliberate attempt to provoke.
IHM: What is scantily dressed? Most women are constantly worrying about what they are wearing and trying their best to stay safe but there is little effort to teach men not to rape. The rapists often don’t see their actions as crimes, the police said, and don’t expect the victims to report them.
Most sexual assaults are preplanned and the rapists are known to believe they would not face any consequences, and the victim would be silenced with blaming and shaming.
It has been seen that provocation thresholds come down when women’s arms, necks, knees, faces etc become invisible, then even their feet become provocative. If all women decided to cover up completely, then men would not start being provoked by their voices or foot steps? (payal ki chanchan, and kangan ki khan khan etc)  And what about porn? What about babies?
The more women and men interact as equals, the less women are seen as objects, or as ‘v*ginas’, or as ‘different species’ created for men’s use, the less they will be seen as provocations.
Look at it as a fashion moghul’s attempt to degrade the female of the species. No, it’s not just the streets, look anywhere: movies, television, print ads, hoardings, we don’t realise how much raw sexual pull is being exerted by all these mediums on young minds, especially those of underprivileged males living alone in cities.
IHM: It’s a myth that all rapists come from underprivileged background.  In fact power and the knowledge that the crime would be blamed on the victim’s clothing (etc) encourages rapists.
When we ask women to cover up, we are telling young men that they are potential rapists and it’s natural for them to sexually assault someone they find attractive. How do these men treat their wives?
What ‘young minds’ need to be taught is that no matter how much they want to have sex with a woman, they need her consent. The society needs to accept that – No consent, no sex. Sex without consent equals rape. And only Yes means Yes.
Certainty of consequences (imprisonment after a quick trial) would put the idea of being provoked by a woman’s clothing out of most rapists’ minds.

Here’s a rough list of all the titillation

Movies: item numbers: sheila ki jawani, choli ke peeche, whatever
Television ads: Deo ad in which man goes into a room and emerges with kiss marks all over, ad where a girl drags a boy into an inflated house and the house starts wobbling, whatever
Print: Open the supplement (glamour pages) and you find these celebrities all exposing their thighs, lingerie ads are another thing altogether
Hoardings: Well, too many, we lost count
Public functions: too many, we don’t attend public functions, award nights, but do see pictures
So on and so forth…
And, we hold our heads and say “My God” all these? How and when did these happen? It’s as if sex sex sex is everywhere and they are the only ones being deprived.
IHM: They need to be told, and repeatedly via every channel, that sex or ‘women’ is not their right. They are not entitled to ‘v*ginas’ (Link).  Not even from their wives. If they want sex then they need to get Consent. 
A man’s sexuality is such that he is easily aroused.
No, don’t misunderstand. A woman wants a man’s sexuality to be more like her own. But, that’s where you go wrong, honey. A man can’t – deliberately and consciously – control his sexual urge, it’s a natural thing. Even if he controls, it will slip up at times.
IHM: This does not apply to all men, most men say they cannot be provoked into committing sexual crimes. Many men find it offensive  that they are being accused of being potential child abusers and rapists.
Those men (or women) who do find it difficult to control their urges give enough indication of their condition. Like in most other crimes, they start with less dangerous crimes and that is why no sexual crimes or molestations should be excused as ‘eve teasing’ or moral policing.
We can’t expect sexual criminals to get themselves registered as potential rapists to protect women and children (even those in their own family and neighborhood). The government (or NGOs?) should maintain a registry, I think the women these men marry should also have the legal right to know that these men tend to lose control and might rape them or their children or other family members or neighbours.
And slip-ups are where assault and rape happen.
IHM: The solution is not covering up women. Only the certainty of consequences can control ‘slip ups’.
Most (90%+) sexual assaults are preplanned, and in most other cases the rapists are known to rape victims.{will link}
For example, in the 16th December Delhi bus gang rape, the rapists were looking for someone to rape, they were confident that the victim would be silenced with blaming, shaming and naming.
An illiterate man may see naked pictures but then may entice a 4-year old with offer of candy because he doesn’t know the law and never reads the papers. All he knows is he wants to do it, with whoever it is in his power to entice as victim. That’s how child rape happens.
IHM: Mr Balvinder Singh’s experience in Nagaland shows making rules about covering up a woman’s body, is the beginning of objectification of women, to ensure ‘excitement’ does not ‘turn into monotony’. [Please read]
Admit this. We are today a sex-oriented society. Sex used as a tool to bring in money for: products, services, favours, politics, even sex itself, and, now, sports, .
IHM: So long as it is consensual sex between two uncommitted, adult partners, it is their business. Maybe they need to know about contraception and sexually transmitted diseases.
But we are also a society that denies young people to mix and derive whatever pleasures can be received from companionship. So where does the desperate man go?
IHM: It might help to encourage interactions between men and women.
It would also help if the society acknowledges women’s sexuality.
Many men learn about sex from porn and from rape scenes in movies. “There is so little conversation about a woman’s desire for sex that a lot of people simply assume it doesn’t exist.” [Link1 “There is so little conversation about a woman’s desire for sex that a lot of people simply assume it doesn’t exist.”] [Link2 Romanticizing innocence, chastity and related taboos for women.]
To a brothel that’s fifty kilometres away? He is too lazy to do that. He hunts for his victims in the backyard.
 IHM: This is why smaller sexual assaults should never be excused, they are an indication that the man is likely to commit more heinous assault once he realizes that his crimes are being blamed on women’s clothing and lifestyle. 
And even if he goes to the brothel, he must have consent. Sex workers have the right not to be sexually assaulted.
Many of the rapes that happened recently in Bombay were involved minor girls and their neighbours. Read this story of a 13-year old girl raped by neighbours. And this about a 5-year old girl raped by her neighbour.
We rest our case.
IHM: Men who rape, and men who rape children need to be put behind bars, they are dangerous to the society.  These criminals are the ones who eventually are emboldened to commit crimes like the father in the link above.  The only way to control such crimes is to ensure that the potential victims are not silenced with stigma, shame, or blame. And the rapists should be aware of this.

“Sometimes it seems like every single thing I do has the potential to be something ‘provocative’.”

Why do Indian women like to wear western clothes?

“So why do we wear clothes again??”

Weird, funny facts about Misogynists.

Do you think men in regressive societies where women are not respected or valued are more prone to ‘losing control’?

Why do some women see western clothes and being able to flaunt their bodies, without fearing being called sluts, as empowerment?

‘Maayka Chavi Ka’… sequel to ‘Sasural Simar Ka’ 😉

Nita’s post – ‘Sari an immodest garment?’

All teachers except Indian women can do their job well enough in Western clothes?

The way a woman dresses.

No Jeans for an Indian daughter in law.

Not just a pair of jeans.
Many of us view watching porn as a harmless activity…

A tag: But when a woman sees a hot man, nothing happens in her brain?

Controlling crimes against women: What works, what doesn’t work.

What works:

1.Punishing the criminal.

Rapist who battered, looted victim gets 15 years in jail

The victim had lodged a complaint while being treated at the trauma centre in Civil Hospital and Jokhna was arrested in few days.
Prosecutor Darshan Shah examined nine witnesses and placed 20 documentary evidences on record for the court’s perusal. The victim identified Jokhna during the test identification parade and described the incident before the court as well.

2. Not blaming the victim (or survivor) directly or indirectly, hence ensuring they are not discouraged from reporting the crime.

Draft manual for docs bans word ‘rape’, two-finger test

In the first detailed manual for medical examination of rape victims, the Health Ministry has advised doctors…

i. not to identify a victim as “habituated to sexual intercourse” as this amounts to unlawful interference in her privacy and therefore a violation of her human rights.

ii. “Rape is not a medical diagnosis, it is legal definition. Hence word “rape” should not be used while forwarding opinion…

iii. The manual also forbids the use of the two-finger test on the same ground.

This is the first time the Department of Health Research has attempted to draw up a comprehensive manual for examination of victims of sexual crimes in consultation with experts and framed guidelines on what the conclusions should be for a given set of observations.

3. Letting the criminals know that they would be held responsible for their actions.

‘Don’t Be That Guy’ ad campaign cuts Vancouver sex assaults by 10 per cent in 2011

he emphasis of public education is not limited to how women can make themselves less vulnerable, he said. The campaign aims to reach men with the message that they should not be “that guy,” he said.

The reversal in the trend related to sexual assaults reflected the impact of the new education program, better training for police officers and more effective investigation and enforcement, he said.

All members of the police department were trained on investigative techniques for sexual assault cases. The seriousness of the crime was reinforced. Most minor sexual offences, such as sexual exposing, often lead to more serious crimes, such as sexual assaults, Deputy Chief Lepard said.


Screen Shot 2013-03-15 at 8.22.47 PM

4. Ensuring there is support and empowerment for those who are vulnerable.

Child bride flees in-laws to attend school. Finds support.

..her ‘determination to continue with her studies was rewarded with regular thrashings by her in-laws. However, she didn’t give up and came over to her parents’ house. But even they weren’t encouraging. So the 14-year-old fled home on Monday and was lucky to be rescued by police.’

The girl has been put under the care of the child welfare committee. CWC member Subhamoy Basu said, “We salute the courage of the girl. We took her into our custody and have kept her at a welfare home. Her wish to continue with her studies will be honoured…

We have already talked with a Gazole school where she will be enrolled.”

5. Media campaigns to educate; to reassure those whose rights are being denied, and warn those who are infringing upon these rights.

Videos by Mumbai Police, shared by Carvaka.

“Part of a women’s safety campaign by Mumbai police. Totally love these videos! Finally they’re asking the rapists and molesters to stop and not the telling the women to hide! I hope the police is receiving training on gender issues as well. Finally the right message going out.. not the usual rape culture non-sense. The Delhi police needs to learn something.”






And what doesn’t work:


Rape investigations ‘undermined by belief that false accusations are rife’
A “misplaced belief” that false accusations of rape or domestic violence are commonplace may be undermining police and prosecutors’ efforts to investigate such crimes, the director of public prosecutions has warned.

2. Ignorance and Patriarchal mindsets combined with Misogyny.

Haryana panchayat ‘bans’ girls from dancing

“Our sisters and daughters are allowed and made to dance in the name of cultural activities in the schools. This is absolutely wrong and corrupting our youths,” reads the signed resolution handed over to three schools of the area.

The village sarpanch Raja Ram said that the villagers were upset over a recent incident in which some people were found drinking in a school function where schoolgirls took part in dance programmes. “By allowing girls to dance on the stage you are just promoting the so-called liberalism which corrupts society and causes crime to grow especially against women,” he said.

It happens every time there is a major rape case in the news.

“Here is an ironic feature of rape culture: One of the key ways the rape culture is protected is by media outlets giving space to people who don’t even know the most basic facts about sexual violence to wax imperious about rape culture.

It happens every time there is a major rape case in the news. And, every time, misinformation is disseminated about rape and rape culture by pontificators who imagine that everything there is to know about rape and rape culture is so self-evident that experts are unnecessary, irrelevant, nonexistent.

It is one of the great lies that the rape culture tells about itself: There is no nuance that requires a trained eye; there are no hidden details to be teased out, no patterns to be identified by experts who spend their lives immersed in this ugly subject. Instead, anyone who takes a most cursory gander at The Issue of Rape finds everything there is to know.”

Read more: http://www.shakesville.com/2013/01/another-dude-concern-trolling-rape.html
Image from: Indian Quotes, facebook

And which is also why it’s good to see Asaram Bapu, Trinamool Congress MP Kakoli Ghosh DastidarVijayvargiya etc being asked to explain what they mean by Arnab Goswami on Times Now.

Related Posts:

Just how disgusting can they get?

Are we trying to threaten Indian women with rapes as punishment for modernity, independence and self reliance?

Making Marital Rape a legal offence is the fastest way to make it clear that Rape means forced sex, not lost Virginity or Honor.

Some fresh examples showing how sexual assaults are seen by those who we expect to work towards controlling them.

Rapists are raised, encouraged, supported, justified and excused by mindsets like these.

1. Vibha Rao, chairperson of Chhattisgarh State Women Commission.

“Women display their bodies and indulge in various obscene activities. Women are unaware of the kind of message [their actions] generate,”… she believes excessive “display of body” by women influenced by western culture is the key. Ms. Rao, an advocate by profession and a prominent BJP leader in the State…

Regarding alleged rape of the tribal women by erstwhile vigilante gang members in south Chhattisgarh,

Ms. Rao said she cannot comment on ‘sub judice’ matters. [Link: ‘Women equally responsible for crimes against them’]

I agree with this comment below the news report, by Anita Badami:

After reading Ms Vibha Rao’s ridiculous comments, it is not at all hard to understand why so many Indian males behave as atrociously as they do with women. Obviously they were brought up by women (like Ms Rao) who
inculcate ignorant and deeply misogynistic attitudes in their sons.

2. Education Minister T. Thiagarajan and college Principals in Puducherry

Separate buses for schoolboys and schoolgirls, overcoats for girls, ban on mobile phones on campuses and restricted interaction of girls and boys…

— these are the steps the Puducherry government has decided on to enforce to prevent harassment of girl students.

The measures came after a meeting between Education Minister T. Thiagarajan…

By reducing contact between boys and girls, it was possible to prevent basic misbehaviour and it would also reduce “temptation,” said an Education Department official.

Instead of ‘dupatta,’ a student should wear an overcoat. Squads would be formed [IHM: Not to check sexual harassment but] to check use of mobile phones by students, Secretary of Education G. Ragesh Chandra told The Hindu. These guidelines were for both private and government schools and a similar meeting with college principals would be held next week, he said.

Principals’ suggestions

During the meeting, the principals emphasised need for greater interaction [IHM: Not between students so male students see women students as humans, but] of parents and teachers, advanced intimation to parents if special classes were conducted and maintenance of a record of the mobile phones of parents and guardians so that they could be informed if their wards were not present.

The move for separate buses came after several principals voiced concern that “when boys and girls travel together, they often did not get off the bus even when their stop arrived,” Mr. Chandra said.

“Many principals also observed that boys and girls sat inside the bus even before classes were over for the day, as the buses are parked on school premises. By having separate buses, these activities could be prevented.”

The measures drew flak from academicians and activists. [Link:Puducherry prescription: separate buses, overcoats for girls]

Are they trying to prevent social interactions that could lead to ‘love marriages’ or consensual sex between young adults or are they trying to prevent sexual assaults against women, babies and girls?

Do they even know the difference?

Many Indians (including the Khaps) seem to see any sex outside marriage as Rape; and sex, forced or not within marriage, as ‘consensual sex’.   The fact that Marital Rape is not seen as a crime encourages this thinking.  If Marital Rape was seen as a crime (that it is) – it would be difficult to excuse women’s clothing and lifestyles for rapes.

Many Indians see rapes not as a violent crime, but as loss of honor, ‘purity’ and virginity of the victim. Making Marital Rapes a legal offence is the fastest way to make Indian women and men understand that Rape means forced sex, not lost virginity or honor. It would also become clearer that women actually own their bodies and men actually can (and a majority does, only a percentage of men are rapist despite the licences and impunity that Patriarchy gives to men) ‘control their urges’.

3. RSS Chief, Mohan Bhagwad

A husband and a wife are bound by a contract which says – you (woman) look after the household chores and satisfy me, I (man) will take care of your needs and will protect you. (RSS Chief, Mohan Bhagwad)

Five questions worth asking here: 1.) So there would be no rapes, if women were not working earning? 2.) Non working married women do not get raped or husbands are to be blamed if they are raped? (This alleged rapist would like this)  3.) Marital Rape is not rape? 4.) Women are not sexual beings and sex is about women satisfying men and not a mutual experience?

Making Marital Rape a legal offence will address some of the above Rape Myths. 

But is there any hope for that with mindsets like below? 

Mumbai Police Commissioner Satyapal Singh says there is a direct link between school and college education and murders and suicides, and students who study in English-medium institutions are especially vulnerable. [English education triggers suicides, murders, says Mumbai top cop Satyapal Singh]

Some of the above might like to discuss their conclusions with Haryana Khaps.

 Jitender Chhataar, “Poverty and intoxication are the main reasons for rape as well as young people sitting together the wrong way. But also eating chowmein causes a hormonal imbalance which is a big reason for rapes.” [The rape of reason]

Each of the above would find Marital Rape difficult to understand. They are unlikely to ask: “What purpose does protecting any rapist, married to the rape victim or not, serve?” But if the law recognises the crime, eventually the society would do too.

Do you agree?

Related Posts:

Love Marriages spoil the Family System of our Nation.

Early and arranged marriages within the community prevent social ills.

Four kinds of marriages in modern India. Which ones would you ban?

“Wonder how I survived for 4 years in this college!!”

How illegal bans on Valentine’s day and birthday parties are connected with dowry deaths and sex selection.

Here’s why I think the society should not obsess over a woman’s virginity.

Parents should choose the boy for a girl aged below 21, as it is they who bear the brunt of an unsuccessful marriage – Karnataka HC

An email: Is it fair for parents to say that their happiness depends on who their kids marry?

“The same man who rape a girl… respect his mother…so please go ahead and teach them what you want to…”

This post is a response to a facebook comment (in blockquotes) to a Khap critical post by Akanksha Dureja.

are you counting genuine rapes…………or you also included sex between girl friends and boy friends in name of love………….

1. Love or lust, girl friend or wife, stranger or sex worker, if both are above the age of consent and if both the partners said Yes, then it is not rape, it is Consensual Sex.

2. If there is pure love, lust-ful love, devotion, high skirts, girl without morals, girl who has other sexual partners, a sex worker – but one partner did not consent – then it is Rape.

I don’t have to go to newspaper to know these things………When every channel….advertisment……movie……….will project girls as item girls……..do you still believe that rapes will come down …….

Do Haryana men have more access to these things than the rest of the world?

More than media it’s the society blaming, shaming, condemning the victim [An example -“13-year-old rape victim and her two sisters, studying in a government school here, left the institute…”]  for crimes committed by criminals (rapists) that emboldens the rapists. If rapists have to face the consequences of their own crimes (condemnation, conviction, jail, fines, social boycott etc) they would think before planning sexual assaults.

Society needs to start taking sexual crimes seriously, Indian men need to be educated about a woman’s right to say Yes (or No) to sex.

If you advocate ….. girls for wearing dress which are short from both direction in name of fashion………and independence……….then I guess you can never stop these rapes but surely you can write 1000 articles on it. ……….. I never advocate a rapist and I agree it is the worst thing a man can do ……… But everyone doesn’t want to rape a girl from birth …or it’s no anyone’s hobby…………..We are still unaware of real reasons of this ……. and yet we keep on advertising women as an object rather than subject…and keep fighting……..We can never control a disaster like this by only controlling man or woman.

In fact it’s exactly the opposite.

‘Mr Balvinder Singh’s experience in Nagaland shows making rules about covering up a woman’s body, is the beginning of objectification of women, to ensure ‘excitement’ does not ‘turn into monotony’.

“While a small cleavage visible under the thin dupatta or through the pallu of a woman’s saree is certainly a pleasant sight for any man worth his salt, without harbouring any malafide thoughts in the mind, but there in the villages of Nagaland it was an anti climax to see the dangling pairs of bare boobs, available to look at in abundance in all shapes and sizes. Initially they were a cause of some excitement, which was natural , but gradually the excitement turned into monotony. I was reminded of the words of a famous poet that the ‘beauty that is veiled looks more beautiful’.” [Click here to read the entire article]

Read more here.

You may also like to read – Rape and clothing: How it’s all dressed up – A guest post by Praveen Talwar.

The same man who rape a girl……. respect his mother……..so please go ahead and teach them what you want to…………………………..We are here not fighting at a topic of so called Woman or Man………but we are actually finding a solution for the disaster…………Raping is a mental disability…..or a sexual surge…….But please don’t think that woman are away from it, even there are cases on harassment on men……but nobody ever believe in it because women are projected as weak……We have to end this level of sexual surge… not the human race. The independence will be fruitful when atmosphere is free, otherwise it will only creates confusion.

Most Indians see the women in their family as ghar ki izzat –  they are capable of Honor Killing their own mothers, daughters, sisters and wives if they realise that they are sexual people.

Sorry to say Ma’m, I am not supporting rapist….please open your mind and see world without rage and hatered………..Men never made culture…its women also…….Sex in college doesn’t happen only with consent of male…….female also support it fully…..and this is the real truth we see around us today……….you want to blame men …surely you can….but women too are not so innocent as you are trying to project…………..I am again saying that I am against rape but not against man or woman……..

Sex in college (or anywhere), where there is consent from two adults is not rape. It is not even illegal.  More information here: Marry Or Live With Anyone Of Your Choice.

And here, Why exactly do we disapprove of Live-in relationships and Premarital sex?

I believe you should understand the cause …rather than blaming. Because blame game is very easy…..as we are playing it from tomorrow…..but the real courage lie in solution. There are 1000 people who can write on rapes…sex workers …lust………But I am still looking for someone who can analyze the reason behind this tendency of sexual assault on opposite sex ( be it men or women)

Okay, here are some simple facts:

1. The first step for controlling any crime is to acknowledge that it is a crime.

2. Making excuses for the criminal encourages the criminal.

3. Blaming the victim emboldens the criminal, it also makes it difficult for the victim to report the crime.

4. Punishing the criminal helps in controlling any crime, it makes the criminal know that there would be consequences.

5. Creating awareness about the crime is a powerful step. Many rapists have no idea that sex without consent is rape.

Many rape victims do not know that wearing a mini skirt, being drunk or smiling at a rapist does not give anybody permission to sexually assault them.

6. Societies which do not take sexual crimes seriously (Like India, Pakistan, Afghanistan) see more sexual crimes. For this reason India is amongst the worst places in the world to be a woman in.

Related Posts:

Khaps are rapists too – Akanksha Dureja

To be a girl in Haryana – Purba Ray

“Ninety percent rape victims go willingly, but later they meet criminal minded people…”

Dharmvir Goyat’s exact words:

“Is mamle mein mujhe koi sankoch naheen hai ye kahne se ki nabbe pratishat ladkiyan jaati sahmati se hain, aur aage apraadhi vyakti mil jate hain jo hawas ka shikaar hote hain. Ladki ko ye pata naheen hota ki aage panch… saat… dus … So Nabbe pratishat ladkiyan jaati sahmati se hain, aur aage apraadhi vyakti mil jate hain. Main saaf kahna chahta hoon.” [Link]

Watch him:


“In this matter I have no hesitation is saying this that Ninety percent girls go willingly/with consent, but later they meet criminal minded people who are victims of lust. Girl does not know that further there are five, seven, ten… So,  Ninety percent girls go willingly/with consent, but later they meet criminal minded people. I want to state  this clearly.”

So what does he mean?

Is he saying the rape victims go willingly to be raped? He is not.

Does he mean girls in Haryana go willingly to have consensual sex (and that is when men in Haryana rape them)?

And who told him that? Did the rape victims tell him this? Or do Rapists make such claims?

Let’s say the rapists told him that (and he believed these rapists). What motivation could the rapists have to try to claim that the victim came willingly? What does ‘rape-victim-went-willingly’ imply? That the victim intended to have sex/meet a man? Would it help an Indian rapist if the victim is shown to be sexually active?

How difficult it is for a violent, brutal, rape-MMS making rapist with a criminal record  to convince random people, political leaders, NCR cops, Khaps and some TOI commenters, that the rape victim was responsible for the rape?

Does it help the court case? It does. Amongst other things, it could frighten and shame the victim into taking back her case and/or committing suicide. It could shame her family into moving to another place – case closed. It could make many witnesses turn hostile.

So rapists and their lawyers have a lot to gain from trying to show that the rape-victim-went-willingly.

But why do some other people appear keen to have this taken as the truth? How do they benefit from perpetuating such misogyny and rape-myths?

It’s possible that some people see gang-rapes as an appropriate punishment for women who are accused of (or suspected of) wanting to have sex with a man they are not married to?

Stoning is not legal in India, but one can always overlook other kinds of punishments for women who seem to want to choose their own partners. Recently one brother in Delhi killed his sister,

NEW DELHI: A teenager allegedly stabbed his younger sister to death early this morning as he disapproved of her alleged relationship with a boy, police said. [Link]

This brother and others like him would be glad to use Dharmvir Goyat’s statement to warn the girls in their family against daring to think of interacting with men, dating, having relationships with men or even dreaming of falling in love and choosing their own partners.

It seems directly or indirectly rapes are used to control women’s choices and freedoms, whether as excuses to marry minor girls to men they have no way to choose or reject, or by ensuring these girls are not allowed to try choose their own partners.

Related Posts:

19 Rape Facts that Khaps, Cops and Chautala should know.

Gurgaon pub attendant gang rape victim: Went willingly? Refused medical test?

“Girls should be married at 16, so that they don’t need to go elsewhere for their sexual needs. This way rapes will not occur.”

13 things Indian Misogynists believe about men’s mothers and sisters.

How Victim Blaming confuses rapists, police and the society about when exactly does non-consensual-sex becomes a crime.

The recent investigations by Tehelka.com have shown that not just the rapists, but even the police and the society don’t seem to be aware  that forced sex is rape (and a crime).

Many also seem to believe that rape is a natural result of a man finding a woman attractive (‘getting provoked’); most of the police (and probably many rapists) don’t seem to know that a woman who has had sex with more than one man still has the legal right to say no to other men.

They also seem to be unaware that women can consume alcohol (or talk, laugh, dance etc) in company of men without requiring to have sex with any or all of them.

Where is so much confusion and ignorance about rape coming from?
I think victim-blaming is the culprit.

Victim blaming can confuse rapists, police and the society about when exactly does forced-sex become a crime. [Victim blaming also discourages the victims (and their families) from reporting rapes.]

Police confirmed that rapists often don’t see rapes as crimes, and don’t expect the victims to report them. [link]

(Legally, non-consensual sex is always a crime (except marital rape?), even with a sex worker, but the Police seems to be quite unaware of, or unconvinced about this.)

But it’s not just the police and the rapists’ lawyers who blame the victims.  They do it of course, because it silences and shames the victims and helps them prove their innocence.
But what makes the rest of us blame the victims?
I think it’s because victim blaming has created a culture where everybody sees rape by men as an excusable activity and consensual sex (by women) as a crime.
Since sex between heterosexual adults requires both men and women, one with tacit permission to use force, and one who can be condemned for consent – how can there be clarity until force is seen clearly as wrong and consent is accepted as a choice?