“…it’s better if he is NOT a family guy. Extra points to the one who hates kids.”

n shared this link.

When her parents asked her to marry, this Bengaluru girl put up her own matrimonial ad 

When 23-year-old Indhuja Pillai’s parents put her profile on a popular matrimonial site, her initial reaction was that of anger and annoyance. She says she is not ‘marriage-material’, but what equally irked her was the way her parents chose to describe her on the site. “It was so unlike me”, says Indhuja, a Bengaluru-based professional.

 

The posting of the matrimonial ad for an adult child by the parents, the description that doesn’t match, the irritation felt by the adult child – many would view this as a normal part of Indian arranged marriages.

But this young woman responded with ‘a sarcastic statement’, she created a website – marry.indhuja.com.

She described herself as an atheist tomboy ‘married to self’, who earns ‘Salary – Overabundant for self. Saving a little to travel.’

An Indian woman of ‘marriageable age’ saving for travel and not for marriage is still not common.

So what kind of man would she consider spending her life with?

‘A man, preferably bearded, who is passionate about seeing the world. Someone who earns for himself and does NOT hate his job. Must be flexible with his parents, also means, it’s better if he is NOT a family guy. Extra points to the one who hates kids. Points for a great voice and an impressive personality. Should be able to hold a conversation for atleast 30 minutes’.

 

Doesn’t want a Provider and Protector. Knows what is important to her. Has interests and passions. The final and only goal in her life is not to Get Married Stay Married. Doesn’t want children. Plans for more than ghar sansaar. Even if the post is meant to be a sarcastic statement – it’s a positive.

Related Posts:

But if there is so much of hesitation in spending time to know a person… aren’t the marriage hopefuls playing with fire?

Only when raising ideal daughters in law is not their goal, would Indian parents be able enjoy having and bringing up girl children.

“A 28 year old, independent woman who dreams big does not really fit the definition of an ideal Indian DIL.”

An email: I want my parents to know the real me, why do I have to lie?

Response from the email writer accused of betraying her “parents, country and culture by not having an arranged marriage”

“I am glad that my parents never thought of raising us as ‘future daughters-in-law’.”

An email: “I said I would look for second marriage with following conditions.”

An email: Salary of the prospective groom must be 3-6 times more than the salary of the prospective bride.

“I want to take my own time, get a job, then think whether or not to get married. But, I can’t tell my parents all this.”

‘We grew up in a very liberal family. We knew what our limits were and our focus was our education. We never betrayed our parents.’

Are these advises and suggestions possible for an Average Indian Woman to even consider? Will she be able to think that way… educate me

Shadi ke baad ladki ki PRIORITY sasuraal ki taraf ho jaati hai?

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An email: “Advice for an ageing old maid?”

How does the idea of a ‘marriageable age’ influence the lives, the freedom, the choices and the happiness of those involved?
Also, why is this age considered ‘marriageable age’? The answer to this also conveys how we view marriage. 
Sharing an email.
Hi,
 
I came across your blog when I was Googling life-changing advice. It is insane that I am writing to a complete stranger to share something about my life on a public forum, but I could do with some honest advice. 
My problem is not unique or something that hsn’t been discussed before, I am sure. If there is someone else’s experience I can learn from, do point me to the relevant post. 
 
Here is what I have to say, and ask:
I am almost 29, Indian female and on the verge of giving up a lot of good work I’ve fought really long and hard for in life, because my parents are old, and want me to get married, and get married  FAST, because I am nearing 30. Is that all it takes to decide to get married?
I studied engineering, mostly because it was my father’s dream, worked in the IT sector for a couple of years, and then quit to pursue a career in what I really wanted to do – journalism. I managed pretty well — working with reputed Indian and international brands. The pressure to get married has been there since I finished engineering. I was 22 then. It has been seven years, and of course it has only increased and is now threatening to consume my very existence.
I have worked in two different cities, apart from the one that I live in (one of the four major metros). It was only when I moved out for my second journalism job a couple of years ago that I figured the kind of person I want to be. Apart from keeping the pressure at bay, the new city, the new setting and the right set of people made me understand that it is okay to want to be happy and have a life that does not require you to abide by the rules your family sets out for you. It was also the only job that made me happy.
I dated a guy for three-odd years, and that did not work out. It left me a little jolted, but nothing extreme. I am okay getting married some time in life, or may be find a partner and live-in. However, I DO NOT, absolutely DO NOT want to get married because I am a certain age. The need for companionship seems to hold no logical meaning for parents and family. How does this work really?
I had to quit the job-I-ever-really-liked and move back home to be with my parents because their attempt at finding a suitable boy in that city did not yield any results and my father wasn’t keeping well. The emotional blackmail and drama almost killed me then, and I had to quit and come back home. I have been home for nearly a year now, working at a job that has a big name but no satisfaction, gone to extremely traumatic prospective groom meetings, absolutely abhorred and cursed myself for doing so, but done it anyway because I tell myself it keeps my parents happy. My brother is extremely understanding, but because these guys see no reason for me to continue being unmarried, he has also been asking me to consider marriage.
The problem here is, my father does not keep well (he’s 72, and has recently undergone open heart surgery and is on dialysis), my mother is stressed all the time, both of them are losing health. And after meeting/talking to at least 20 men in 3 years, I feel no more inclined to wade through a sea of bad-looking, extremely close-minded men (mostly) online who only want a wife because most of their friends are married. If at all I get married, I want to enjoy the process.
I am not even allowing myself to date someone or actively look for guys on my own because I stay at home and have limits on when to get home, which leaves me no time to socialize post work. Also, I really dislike the work I am doing right now.
For the first time in years, I was really beginning to understand the kind of person that I want to be, the kind of life I want to lead, and now I cannot because there is this sense of guilt and not having done right by my parents.
I want to move out, I am even considering studying for a year, but am stalling the application process because I am scared. Is there any way to do it without killing my parents? I really do love them and care about them, but I felt closer to them when I wasn’t staying with them.
I am absolutely unhappy and get bouts of insane fear, thinking about how I could just give in to the blackmail, which includes stuff like “If you don’t get married soon and something happens to us, you re responsibe”.
I know this post is rambling on, but I really do not understand this fixation with marriage. I also do not understand what holds me back. Maybe the fact that I have very few savings, if at all. It is tempting sometimes to just give in, marry a man that is handpicked by the family, and just “settle” and “compromise”—two favourite Indian parent words. And then I think of everything I have given up and gone through, and realize it’s not worth it.
Thanks much.
Related Posts:

“I am writing in my story to show that there is hope if we are just courageous enough to reach for it.”

Shuddh Desi Romance : When Getting Married and Staying Married is not an Indian woman’s life purpose.

Separated she smiles.

How important is it for an Indian girl to get married?

Are these advises and suggestions possible for an Average Indian Woman to even consider? Will she be able to think that way… educate me

An email: “The relatives seemed to be offering ‘condolences’ for me to my mother, having the misfortune of having an ‘unmarried’ daughter…”

Yes I am single so? – Nirjharani

Why marry? – Careless Chronicles

Only when raising ideal daughters in law is not their goal, would Indian parents be able enjoy having and bringing up girl children.

Marriages are sold to Indian women in a glossy cover…?

And they said financial independence will solve all women’s problems for all times.

An email: “I am close with a person who is elder to me and married, but not happy.”

Sharing an email – what do you think should the email writer do? How can she go about it? What would help, what do you think would not help? 

Hi,

I never thought I would be writing here.

I am a 29 soon to be 30 years working in IT. Single but happy. I have a lot of my hobbies and plans I do not feel left out alone or anything. I like travelling, photography. Have been to top of mountains to deep under the sea. I am not good looking and absolutely do not like make-up and all those stuff and surely not to please anyone.

My parents want me to get married and are in search for past 4 years. I saw a few boys but never got a ‘yes’ nor a ‘no’. There was no contact so we assumed that they must not be interested. I myself have not denied anyone. But I must agree I pointed out to my parents, “He did not talk much. Kept looking out of the window while parents chatted.” Or, “Why talk in English? His parents are here. They must get to know me and my point of view”. For this my mother now says, I pointed out mistakes in every person. But I surely told them if I liked anyone when he made an effort to talk to my parents or it was not only me touching his parents feet (which I do not like to do just for the sake of it) but he did the same. I felt good meeting such people. But nothing happened.

Now my mother is in panic mode. She feels all the boys are already setting age criteria which you do not fit. All marriageable age boys are getting over. And now it’s getting difficult. You are not finding one yourself. Being so firm with your points that some person will ‘run away’ feeling afraid.

I do not agree to put on a make-up and show. I would like someone to like me for what I am. Not something I have posed. Being presentable is ok. But no painting. I have a younger sister. If I taking time it will make difficult for her it seems. I have told them if she likes/finds anyone please go ahead. But “You have no idea how difficult you are making this for us or for yourself!!!”

I believe things will happen when they intend to. There are people who have found partners after 30-31-32. But ‘this does not happen with all!’ is what I get. I have now taken up studies for entrance higher studies. My parents are not at all against it. But “it can happen together also! Are you going to wait till you finish it? How much late?” I agree. If anyone is accepting it I am ok.

I am close with a person who is elder to me and married, but not happy. We both know time will come when we have to change paths and we are prepared. It will be hard but we have to. He tried getting divorce but things are complicated as he is threatened with law. But he does not ask me to wait at all. Also my parents will be broken with such a relationship if I choose. But we share a good rapport and understanding. It is not a deep madly in love. But an understanding relationship that complements each other. He has kept me in high spirit, help me look at the positive side when I was down, helped me dared when I was afraid talking to people/managers etc.

Sometimes when I think what will I do if there is no marriage? I tell myself there are many things I can. May be open a shelter for stray animals I always felt like, roam around in jungles, may be join and NGO to teach kids, sponsor education of at least 1 child up to the time he/she wants to study.

Should I be trying with all my might to find a partner putting it on first priority? Daily checking the marriage sites to see possible matches? Or go on with life and decide when time comes? Or make the time come because of the age factor? Go on looking the prospective men around?

I have also told parents that if they are so tenses of me getting married. Then I am ready to any person who says first ‘Yes’. ‘To blame us later?’ – my mother asks. Then taking the pressure of the society(?) and fretting over it will make whom happy? I see so much of issues because of me. What if I am not there?

What must I do?

– Please Help.

How can forced marriages be prevented when the person being married off is dependent on the people forcing them to be married off?

How can forced marriages be prevented when the person being married off is dependent on the people forcing them to be ‘married off’?

What can make it easier for those who are being forced to get married, to fight back these pressures? 

Sharing an email.

‘But I am scared that I would be forced to marry and by force. I mean it.’

Hi,

I just turned 26 last week. I worked for three years in an IT company. I have my GMAT scheduled in a week. I am being pestered for marriage at my home. The whole day I hear my mother cribbing about me to relatives. They have got this whole squad behind my ass. My only aim right now is to get admitted to a reputed college in us for MBA. Its got so ugly at home that there is no emotional support for my career. That’s fine I never needed that but there is so much of negativity at this time. I have postponed my exam twice already. This time I know I am going to give it and apply soon. But I am scared that I would be forced to marry and by force I mean it. I have no clue how far the emotional blackmail would go it has already crossed most of its limits. They keep saying stuff that they paid for my education brought me up etc etc but if I had known that the cost would be living my whole life their way even if you don’t like it I would have never grown up lol. Times like this … I really feel like giving up. But I had so many dreams and I try so hard to fill myself with positivity. I try too hard. I can’t find words to pen down that would explain how troubled n lonely I feel right now. I don’t even believe in arranged marriage.

Should I start meeting guys so that at least I land in US?

Related Posts:

“Only thing I can can think of now is to take a spoon of boiling oil and put on my cheeks. I will see then who marries a girl with a burnt face”

“I am betraying my parents, country and culture by not having an arranged marriage, people are talking, younger sisters not getting married.”

Why is abuse by parents taken so lightly by Indians?

Indian family values are good for Indian daughters?

Only when raising ideal daughters in law is not their goal, would Indian parents be able enjoy having and bringing up girl children.

Marriages are sold to Indian women in a glossy cover…?

And they said financial independence will solve all women’s problems for all times.

Desi Girl says:

…And they said financial independence will solve all women’s problems for all times…

We can make women economically independent but not independent of social custodians.

 

http://www.ndtv.com/video/player/the-property-show/mumbai-s-no-spouse-no-house-dilemma/319468?hp

 

– DG

Why do so many of us believe that married people are easier to have as tenants, children, friends, colleagues and neighbours?

What does ‘squeaky clean background’ indicate? No police records? Morally upright – i.e. never been in a relationship? Teetotallers? Dressed in certain ways?

Do you think unmarried people are seen as either more of a responsibility (for everybody else) or less responsible?

Do you think this is discriminatory?

What is it that makes married men seem safer as tenants/neighbours? And why is single women’s marital status or lifestyle an issue here? What is it that people fear?

Related Posts:

Indian Shaadi Logic – by Prateek Shah

At what point should educated, 21st century women who can think liberally for themselves, take responsibility for themselves…

“A clandestine, and irresponsible, affair may prove dangerous. A city girl learnt it the hard way,”

“Why didn’t these women find life partners by dating?”

18 questions for young women (and men) of ‘marriageable age’.

Early and arranged marriages within the community prevent social ills.

So what does marriage mean to traditional and conservative Indians?

“Only thing I can can think of now is to take a spoon of boiling oil and put on my cheeks. I will see then who marries a girl with a burnt face”

“I want to take my own time, get a job, then think whether or not to get married. But, I can’t tell my parents all this.”

Even today, in most Indian families, self reliance for daughters is only an option – and Getting and Staying Married remains the goal. The challenge becomes tougher if a daughter is not an over achiever – has not found what she would like to do, or needs time (from her own life). 

Sharing an email.

I just cannot handle it anymore,,, i feel stuffed and it just so suffocating. I would like you to share this mail with you other readers so that i can get some honest suggestions from you and them.

I am 26 yrs old. but still unemployed. I wanted to achieve a hell lot in my life but see where i have landed that I dont even have a single financial support for myself, I have to beg my parents. I did a lot of blunders in my life topping them all was that when everybody was busy planning their careers I was way too busy maintaining my friendship.

I did b.com but from correspondence from Delhi later I did a Computer course and an Italian language course… none could help me find a “Decent job” as I wanted. So, I shifted my ways towards Government sector. I managed to clear certain levels of certain jobs but still couldn’t clear all the levels as a result I’m back to square once again.

My parents have always been supporting as I am the only girl they have. And I have a young brother… but he’s way to young. They have been encouraging all through… but its high time I know, now they also often tell me that you are our only daughter we had high dreams for you, but see where you are, you haven’t done well in anything in my life.

The issue now is, that my biggest mistake is that I am born In India as a GIRL… all my relatives are forcing my parents always as to why aren’t they getting me married till now?? What if i don’t have a job, why don’t they find a  business man… I feel like a trash. 😦

This is not the life i wanted to live, all my friends are well settled in good jobs. But, I have nothing in my hand.

And now my biggest support even my parents have said they can’t take it anymore, they are really tensed because of me, they say society and relatives are not gonna leave us. And how long should we wait.

Honestly, trust me i am putting my 100% to my studies now to secure a position in Government job. But I just can’t concentrate anymore since they have discussed all this. I honestly want to prove myself to the world now, and not only that I also want to sit for I A S exams (it’s been my dad’s dream forever).

I don’t know what to do but I feel suffocated, somehow I am so so afraid of marriage that I don’t even want to hear about it. The moment someone says anything like this I get all tensed and my pulse rises. I really don’t want to end up like this. I have thought to suicide even but I don’t want to  die like a loser and prove my parents wrong that they supported me. But I really want to get out of here. If at all i want to get married, I want that feeling to come to me naturally when I find someone with whom I want to spend the rest of my life. I can’t share this with anybody else but you.

Please tell what shall I do?? Is it such a big crime to be born in India as Girl?? I dont’ feel happy like other girls when they are all excited to be married. I really feel like doing something. But I just need escape. Please tell me what to do. Please! I want to take my own time, to get into a job, get out of this rut, go out, explore and then on my own I want to think whether to get married or not. But, I can’t tell my parents all this. Yes, they are supportive (rather they were, now they are not) but they are not open enough to understand all this. Please tell me what to do.

– A Loser

Related Posts:

‘Daughters growing older, their egos becoming bigger, their attitudes and behavior becoming more boorish..’

Response from the email writer accused of betraying her “parents, country and culture by not having an arranged marriage”

“I have reached 26 and my parents have started pressurizing me. My BF is the same age. But my BF is youngest in family!”

Indian Shaadi Logic – by Prateek Shah

At what point should educated, 21st century women who can think liberally for themselves, take responsibility for themselves…

A detailed check list of conditions from modern young women of marriageable age.

“Only thing I can can think of now is to take a spoon of boiling oil and put on my cheeks. I will see then who marries a girl with a burnt face”

18 questions for young women (and men) of ‘marriageable age’.

Early and arranged marriages within the community prevent social ills.

How important is it for an Indian girl to get married?

But is this crime really about Semi-forced Arranged marriages or Gay rights?

It’s true that it’s not just women who are pressurised to get married,

‘Gay bank worker strangled his wife with a vacuum cleaner and burnt her body in garden incinerator after marrying her to hide his sexuality’

Link shared by Joy and Hey82

But is this crime really about Semi-forced Arranged marriages or Gay rights? 

How many men, women or children find it easier to plan, strangle and burn an innocent person (or a bird or an animal?) because it seems more convenient than the other options they feel they have?

Asked if something had been burning, Ginday allegedly told police it was “ashes” before correcting himself and saying “no, I mean leaves”.

One of the officers then lifted the lid of the metal incinerator at the side of the house and saw the remains of a skull.

Post-mortem examinations by a pathologist and a forensic anthropologist showed Varkha’s body was folded into the “small furnace” in the foetal position.

Don’t you think the circumstances are just excuses, and almost irrelevant? Anybody who can commit such a crime is dangerous to those they come across, like an unpredictable time bomb, if not this then something else would have provoked them into taking another life – they are dangerous because they are capable of committing such violence.

From what the report alleges, this man had planned a gruesome crime to claim the wife ran away and then use that as an excuse to pretend to hate women and thus avoid future marriages.

Around a month before Varkha’s death on September 12 last year, someone at the family home made an internet search for incinerators, the court heard.

Ginday initially told police his wife had walked out on him after “using” him to gain entry to the UK. But, the Crown alleges, Ginday had bought a quantity of petrol on September 12 and put his wife in the incinerator after strangling her with a metal pipe from a vacuum cleaner.

Miss Gould added: “His ultimate intention, the Crown suggests, was to play the role of victim safe in the knowledge that he could rely upon his married status as a permanent excuse for never having to have another relationship with a woman.” [link]

 

I know of a case where a male domestic helper jumped into his employer’s apartment via her balcony and tried to strangulate the sixty year old woman. Her two large dogs bit him in the legs, she fought back and escaped into her bedroom, locked it from inside, and although she was injured, she managed to call for help. When the man was arrested he claimed he wanted to teach her a lesson for not ensuring that the agent who got him the job, paid him on time. Some of her acquaintances blamed her for not being a good employer.

Don’t you think that in both the cases above, the criminal is trying to do what rapists do too, trying to put the responsibility for their own brutal and criminal actions on their victims/society?  Both the crimes required cold blooded planning and inhuman violence.

Related Posts:

Is child murder their first crime or do they have a history of violence?

All she knew was that until his arrest, he came home for dinner every night, “He was to me like any husband is to his wife,” she said.

Do you think we tend to glorify or even romanticize violence, conveying that only some kind of violence is wrong?

“I have reached 26 and my parents have started pressurizing me. My BF is the same age. But my BF is youngest in family!”

Sharing an email.

Dear IHM,

To begin my story, I am 26 year old working in an IT company for past 2 years. Living independently for past 8 years that includes my education and work experience.

Now I have reached 26 and my parents are looking for guy for arranged marriage and have started pressurizing me. Me and my BF’s are of same age. But my BF is youngest in family. He has an elder sister and brother who are still unmarried. They are 3 years older to him.

We are now utterly confused what to do and how to take things forward with family.

If he talks with his family the emotional drama that you have unmarried sister how you can think of your marriage, you care about that girl etc etc will start.

If I talk with my family they will start this right age of marriage, think about your younger sister, how you can marry in different caste etc.

Everything will turn up into mess without any result in our favor. This way is not giving a positive vibes to me for our relationship. It will create only tension and increased pressure on both of us to break this relationship.

I am very depressed these days. Why there is such strict hierarchy of marriage? May be his brother thinks of higher education and didn’t get married then what will happen to our marriage.
If my BF pressurizes his brother to get married then what about his higher education in case it takes time in marriage of his sister and brother. What about my sister in case if I wait for my BF for 2-3 years, then her marriageable age and time will come in way.
Why I have to marry within a 1-2 years so that my sister gets married on time? Why in our society, we (we included everyone) have to scarifies our happiness, our aspiration, our dreams and love for our dear ones? Why to scarify for maintaining marriage hierarchy. If I refuse to do so and take tough stand then I will be termed as selfish, mean, troublemaker, black sheep, self-centered etc etc by everyone (includes parents, extended family, friends and faceless society).
Why we can not marry when we feel that we should marry for love and partnership in life. Why there is such a strict rule for marriage among siblings. Why we are labeled as traitor if we stand for ourselves. Why our society is like this
I am very sad and depressed. What should I do in this situation? We want to take our relationship forward but don’t know what should be our next step.

Please help.

 Thanks
In Love
Related Posts:

Indian Shaadi Logic – by Prateek Shah

So what does marriage mean to many Indians?

Indian Shaadi Logic by Prateek Shah

1. You are getting old. You should get married.
2. You are going bald/ growing fat/ becoming ugly. You should get married.
3. All your friends are married. You should get married.
4. You are getting bored. You should get married.
5. School done. College done. Job done. What else is to be done? You should get married.
6. Late marriage means late kids. You should get married.
7. But how will younger siblings get married? You should get married. [link]
8. Sharma Uncle, Verma Aunty and all other relatives keep asking all kinds of questions. You should get married.
9. Its our duty and responsibility. You should get married.
10. Its Great Great Grandparents last wish. You should get married.

Related Posts:

An email from An Adult Male of India : “Every single family sitting or phone call will eventually lead to….”

An email: I am 18 year old male from a traditional (read:backward) Indian family.

An email from an Indian Husband… and a Good Indian Son.

18 questions for young women (and men) of ‘marriageable age’.

Early and arranged marriages within the community prevent social ills.

So what does marriage mean to traditional and conservative Indians?

“Only thing I can can think of now is to take a spoon of boiling oil and put on my cheeks. I will see then who marries a girl with a burnt face”

At what point should educated, 21st century women who can think liberally for themselves, take responsibility for themselves…

Sharing a question Kay asked in a comment in response to this email: “My husband gives me the usual ‘you have not just married me, you have married my family..’ sermon”

At what point should educated, 21st century women who can think liberally for themselves, take responsibility for themselves and perhaps forgo the arranged marriage institution? I’m pretty sure the internet is rife with these stories wherein any person (you don’t need to be highly educated for this) realizes that an getting arranged marriage is like stepping into a field full of land mines. Sure you may be able to navigate your way around the mines, but odds are, you’re probably going to step on one and blow yourself up.

Surely, it can’t be surprising that the complete stranger you married turned out to be someone different than the person you expected him to be (and speaking to someone on skype for 6 months doesn’t count).

In addition to setting up marriage prep courses for the socially challenged who can’t seem to find their own spouses, perhaps we can also make women aware that they can date, have relationships, break relationships, do whatever they please.

I think these posts give an idea of what young Indian women, who allow their parents to pressurize them into semi forced marriages, face:

“Only thing I can can think of now is to take a spoon of boiling oil and put on my cheeks. I will see then who marries a girl with a burnt face”

“This man is openly threatening his daughter and is instigating others to burn alive their daughters.”

A comment: One more thing, had I been financially independent I would have never got married.

“A clandestine, and irresponsible, affair may prove dangerous. A city girl learnt it the hard way,”

An email: An Old fashioned boy friend and a Liberal girl friend.

How illegal bans on Valentine’s day and birthday parties are connected with dowry deaths and sex selection.

What Khaps need is a strictly implemented law against Forced Marriages.

Girls morally bound not to have sex before marriage, says fast track court judge

“let me ask – how many girls in city remain pure till marriage ?”

“Both boy and girl were responsible, who had done marriage without informing their parents.”

No second chances for an Indian daughter.

Boys and Girls Holding Hands …

And what might help:

18 questions for young women (and men) of ‘marriageable age’.

“Here’s what I would tell my future/potential daughter, if I ever have one.”

A detailed check list of conditions from modern young women of marriageable age.

What would you not change for love?

“Why didn’t these women find life partners by dating?”

If your boyfriend is abusing you physically…