“…it’s better if he is NOT a family guy. Extra points to the one who hates kids.”

n shared this link.

When her parents asked her to marry, this Bengaluru girl put up her own matrimonial ad 

When 23-year-old Indhuja Pillai’s parents put her profile on a popular matrimonial site, her initial reaction was that of anger and annoyance. She says she is not ‘marriage-material’, but what equally irked her was the way her parents chose to describe her on the site. “It was so unlike me”, says Indhuja, a Bengaluru-based professional.

 

The posting of the matrimonial ad for an adult child by the parents, the description that doesn’t match, the irritation felt by the adult child – many would view this as a normal part of Indian arranged marriages.

But this young woman responded with ‘a sarcastic statement’, she created a website – marry.indhuja.com.

She described herself as an atheist tomboy ‘married to self’, who earns ‘Salary – Overabundant for self. Saving a little to travel.’

An Indian woman of ‘marriageable age’ saving for travel and not for marriage is still not common.

So what kind of man would she consider spending her life with?

‘A man, preferably bearded, who is passionate about seeing the world. Someone who earns for himself and does NOT hate his job. Must be flexible with his parents, also means, it’s better if he is NOT a family guy. Extra points to the one who hates kids. Points for a great voice and an impressive personality. Should be able to hold a conversation for atleast 30 minutes’.

 

Doesn’t want a Provider and Protector. Knows what is important to her. Has interests and passions. The final and only goal in her life is not to Get Married Stay Married. Doesn’t want children. Plans for more than ghar sansaar. Even if the post is meant to be a sarcastic statement – it’s a positive.

Related Posts:

But if there is so much of hesitation in spending time to know a person… aren’t the marriage hopefuls playing with fire?

Only when raising ideal daughters in law is not their goal, would Indian parents be able enjoy having and bringing up girl children.

“A 28 year old, independent woman who dreams big does not really fit the definition of an ideal Indian DIL.”

An email: I want my parents to know the real me, why do I have to lie?

Response from the email writer accused of betraying her “parents, country and culture by not having an arranged marriage”

“I am glad that my parents never thought of raising us as ‘future daughters-in-law’.”

An email: “I said I would look for second marriage with following conditions.”

An email: Salary of the prospective groom must be 3-6 times more than the salary of the prospective bride.

“I want to take my own time, get a job, then think whether or not to get married. But, I can’t tell my parents all this.”

‘We grew up in a very liberal family. We knew what our limits were and our focus was our education. We never betrayed our parents.’

Are these advises and suggestions possible for an Average Indian Woman to even consider? Will she be able to think that way… educate me

Shadi ke baad ladki ki PRIORITY sasuraal ki taraf ho jaati hai?

“What is it in a ceremony of a few hours, that makes women fight tooth and nail to preserve the marriage, however unhappy they may be…?”

“…but before marriage it takes lot less for them to walk out of a relationship?”

Sharing an email.

Dear IHM,

I have a question here.

Reading through posts after posts, I see women fighting it out in bad marriages. Quitting doesn’t seem to be an option, at least not an immediate one. And every post from such a troubled woman invariably has an attempt to bring out the positives too – “….but my husband is otherwise very caring and loving” or “….there is no other problem but the in-laws” etc etc. Essentially, these women are consoling themselves and justifying to themselves why they shouldn’t leave such marriages. The attitude seems to be: “Marriages are sacrosanct. You can’t break them.”  Then why is it that pre-marriage relationships are not as sacrosanct?

Let me give some examples before I ask the question that has been bothering me.

Case 1:

7 years old relationship. It was well understood and discussed that the two will marry. Families were aware and were supportive. The guy was 3 years older to the girl and so he was settled in his career while the girl was still studying. It was agreed that they would wait till the girl’s education was over and would marry thereafter. 6 months before the education was over, her mind changed and she dumped him. Her reason – “She wasn’t happy with him”. She could never point a finger at what exactly was making her unhappy. She wasn’t willing to meet and talk and sort out the mess. She just wanted an out. She knew very well how much planning of a joint life had been done. She knew all the marriage proposals that would come to the guy’s parents who would politely turn them down saying our son had decided whom he wanted to marry. The guy had even bought a flat keeping her wishes in mind. She had suggested what kind of a house she would like to live in and the guy bought that, even though financially it was a stretch for him. Now of course, none of this should create an obligation for anyone to stay in the relationship but it only showed how deeply intertwined the two lives were for a long period of time. That there was total faith and trust and a patient waiting for commencement of a new joint life. But within a span of a month the trust of 7 years was shattered to pieces, she dumped him and got married to someone else within next 9 months. The guy is still unmarried today, grappling with the hurt and the inability to trust anyone. A 7 years old relationship destroyed by her based on reasons which even she couldn’t articulate. Not a thought spared on what a mess was being created of the guy’s life.

Case 2:

Girl and guy keen. Girl’s father not so keen. Caste, culture, financial background – everything similar. On paper, there couldn’t have been a better match. And in reality, the couple was as compatible as one could get. Every single person – the girl’s siblings, friends, extended family – all extremely supportive of the relationship. But the girl’s father had a problem with the predictions made by his astrologer. And so he kept on resisting the relationship for a year and made it a huge ego battle, during which several times the girl gave up and dumped the guy saying “I can’t hurt my parents”. The guy stayed patient every single time and supported the girl in her battles at home. After a break-up that lasted 3 months, she wanted one more chance, to which the guy agreed because he did love her and felt the relationship was beautiful enough to be fought one more time for. This time it worked. Engagement date was agreed. A month before the due date, the father threw a tantrum again and she withdrew saying “I can’t do this to my parents. I would rather suffer myself than make them suffer”. So, here was an adult needing daddy’s permission to fall in love and when that permission was denied, she dumped the guy unceremoniously even after the engagement was fixed. Is it that simple to walk in and walk out of a relationship as if it was a revolving door? Is your word / commitment of no value? The girl above, if she now gets as husband a “mama’s boy” who puts his mother before his wife, should she ever complain? After all, she did become a “daddy’s girl” and broke a relationship without sparing a thought on how it would shatter her partner.

I know a few more such instances. Someone wanted to walk out a month before the wedding date (6 years old beautiful committed relationship which involved a very rich guy and a middle class girl) saying “The guy’s family is too rich. I think I want a middle class life” (good sense prevailed and she came back in time. Happily married now, comfortably leading a lavish life, and does admit “what was I thinking then”). Someone else walked out of a 4 years old relationship (great relationship, guy deeply in love with the girl, was a constant pillar of strength and support when the girl’s father passed away abruptly) realizing suddenly that she wanted to be with a more dominating guy (more manly?) and is now in a marriage where she is completely dominated by the husband.

Therefore, IHM, my question is: What is it in a ceremony of a few hours, few perambulations round a fire, a legal certificate, that makes women fight tooth and nail to preserve the “marriage”, however bad it may be, but before marriage it takes lot less for them to walk out of a relationship? After all, no one is perfect and once you spend years with a person, and a rocky patch comes in a relationship (it invariably does), one must at least make sincere attempts to make things work again rather than running out of the door at the first hint of trouble. Shouldn’t commitment be a virtue even in relationships?

Now, of course, both men and women walk out of relationships. At times unfairly. But I am surrounded by so many instances where the woman dumped the guy and I do know both sides of the stories to be able to feel it wasn’t right on part of the woman to not give the relationship a chance.

To be completely fair, I do know of strongly committed women too – the ones who fought their families for years but never gave up the side of the guy. I am attending one such wedding next week – girl’s father resisted for 5 years just because the guy is a Christian and the girl a Hindu. The girl didn’t budge and eventually they are getting married. But so many broken relationships around me have the woman packing her bags and leaving. And I wonder, women are capable of caring only for what they want in their relationships, are capable of walking out unilaterally from a very long term relationship when something is not to their liking without acknowledging the good parts which made them be in the relationship for so long in the first place, then post marriage why do women try so hard to “see the positives as well”, why do they try so hard to “make it work”? What’s in a marriage ceremony that instills so much of commitment in these women? Is it all the fear of society that makes women so sticky in marriages? Of course, I understand those women who do it for the sake of kids or who do it because they are not financially independent. But others, I fail to understand. My own exes, sisters, cousins, friends have walked out of long term relationships for a fraction of what they are now tolerating in their marriages.

Yes this is a feminist blog and so I will perhaps be roasted here for this post of mine. But I really admire the maturity and intelligence of commentators here and so I guess even though I will face brickbats, there will be a decent debate on this matter. For I really need to understand – what is it with women and marriages? Won’t give up easily on marriages but will give up on relationships easily without giving a thought on the impact it would have on their partner?

Related Posts:

An email : I feel I should never get married to him because nobody is anyway going to accept him.

An email: Is it fair for parents to say that their happiness depends on who their kids marry?

An email: “Is it safe to assume he loved his culture and tradition more than me?”

Closing that chapter – just as if nothing happened – Careless Chronicles

An email: “just for a few days of fights and torture in a month, how can I leave this life?”

‘In our families, we don’t take this kind of thing outside,’

“I have realized that at 20 when I started dating him I never thought much but today I have issues with all the above points.”

Irresponsible girls who throw away their lives while in throes of lust for the completely wrong person…

Please watch Queen. Feels like our country is finally changing.

Boy friends are new parents

“I need suggestions – these girls are ruining their lives with their stupid ideas about love.”

An email: He did not want me to be “more” educated than he was.

An email: An Old fashioned boy friend and a Liberal girl friend.

An email: “Advice for an ageing old maid?”

How does the idea of a ‘marriageable age’ influence the lives, the freedom, the choices and the happiness of those involved?
Also, why is this age considered ‘marriageable age’? The answer to this also conveys how we view marriage. 
Sharing an email.
Hi,
 
I came across your blog when I was Googling life-changing advice. It is insane that I am writing to a complete stranger to share something about my life on a public forum, but I could do with some honest advice. 
My problem is not unique or something that hsn’t been discussed before, I am sure. If there is someone else’s experience I can learn from, do point me to the relevant post. 
 
Here is what I have to say, and ask:
I am almost 29, Indian female and on the verge of giving up a lot of good work I’ve fought really long and hard for in life, because my parents are old, and want me to get married, and get married  FAST, because I am nearing 30. Is that all it takes to decide to get married?
I studied engineering, mostly because it was my father’s dream, worked in the IT sector for a couple of years, and then quit to pursue a career in what I really wanted to do – journalism. I managed pretty well — working with reputed Indian and international brands. The pressure to get married has been there since I finished engineering. I was 22 then. It has been seven years, and of course it has only increased and is now threatening to consume my very existence.
I have worked in two different cities, apart from the one that I live in (one of the four major metros). It was only when I moved out for my second journalism job a couple of years ago that I figured the kind of person I want to be. Apart from keeping the pressure at bay, the new city, the new setting and the right set of people made me understand that it is okay to want to be happy and have a life that does not require you to abide by the rules your family sets out for you. It was also the only job that made me happy.
I dated a guy for three-odd years, and that did not work out. It left me a little jolted, but nothing extreme. I am okay getting married some time in life, or may be find a partner and live-in. However, I DO NOT, absolutely DO NOT want to get married because I am a certain age. The need for companionship seems to hold no logical meaning for parents and family. How does this work really?
I had to quit the job-I-ever-really-liked and move back home to be with my parents because their attempt at finding a suitable boy in that city did not yield any results and my father wasn’t keeping well. The emotional blackmail and drama almost killed me then, and I had to quit and come back home. I have been home for nearly a year now, working at a job that has a big name but no satisfaction, gone to extremely traumatic prospective groom meetings, absolutely abhorred and cursed myself for doing so, but done it anyway because I tell myself it keeps my parents happy. My brother is extremely understanding, but because these guys see no reason for me to continue being unmarried, he has also been asking me to consider marriage.
The problem here is, my father does not keep well (he’s 72, and has recently undergone open heart surgery and is on dialysis), my mother is stressed all the time, both of them are losing health. And after meeting/talking to at least 20 men in 3 years, I feel no more inclined to wade through a sea of bad-looking, extremely close-minded men (mostly) online who only want a wife because most of their friends are married. If at all I get married, I want to enjoy the process.
I am not even allowing myself to date someone or actively look for guys on my own because I stay at home and have limits on when to get home, which leaves me no time to socialize post work. Also, I really dislike the work I am doing right now.
For the first time in years, I was really beginning to understand the kind of person that I want to be, the kind of life I want to lead, and now I cannot because there is this sense of guilt and not having done right by my parents.
I want to move out, I am even considering studying for a year, but am stalling the application process because I am scared. Is there any way to do it without killing my parents? I really do love them and care about them, but I felt closer to them when I wasn’t staying with them.
I am absolutely unhappy and get bouts of insane fear, thinking about how I could just give in to the blackmail, which includes stuff like “If you don’t get married soon and something happens to us, you re responsibe”.
I know this post is rambling on, but I really do not understand this fixation with marriage. I also do not understand what holds me back. Maybe the fact that I have very few savings, if at all. It is tempting sometimes to just give in, marry a man that is handpicked by the family, and just “settle” and “compromise”—two favourite Indian parent words. And then I think of everything I have given up and gone through, and realize it’s not worth it.
Thanks much.
Related Posts:

“I am writing in my story to show that there is hope if we are just courageous enough to reach for it.”

Shuddh Desi Romance : When Getting Married and Staying Married is not an Indian woman’s life purpose.

Separated she smiles.

How important is it for an Indian girl to get married?

Are these advises and suggestions possible for an Average Indian Woman to even consider? Will she be able to think that way… educate me

An email: “The relatives seemed to be offering ‘condolences’ for me to my mother, having the misfortune of having an ‘unmarried’ daughter…”

Yes I am single so? – Nirjharani

Why marry? – Careless Chronicles

Only when raising ideal daughters in law is not their goal, would Indian parents be able enjoy having and bringing up girl children.

Marriages are sold to Indian women in a glossy cover…?

And they said financial independence will solve all women’s problems for all times.

“I know my dad is short tempered but he was never this aggressive until my relatives started making him over think about my marriage.”

Indian parents seem to continue to believe that their children’s (only girl children’s) self reliance and happiness is less important than creating a good impression on the relatives/neighbours/peer group/colleagues. 

All the news about women being harassed, abused and even killed by in laws/spouse doesn’t seem to make some Indian parents question the idea of Get Married Stay Married as the only goal for some of their children (daughters). 

Such is the power of established norms. 

And short temper continues to be seen as a rational reason for inexcusable behaviour – with those who can be forced to tolerate it.

Hi IHM,

I am in a fix and i thought of contacting you and your readers for help.

I am a  24 year old girl working in an IT firm in Mumbai  for the past one year. My family lives in another town. I graduated In B.E and got campus selected in the same firm. Due to some issues I was given my joining date after two years. In the meantime I was working in another firm.

My father started asking me to get married when I was 22. I always wanted to work and be independent because i never wanted to be a housewife. He brought one proposal and when I said no to him, he didn’t talk to me for a while and started creating issues to his health. Some how people made him understand and he was alright after a while.

After about a few months he again brought a proposal and asked me to consider and when I said ‘No’ again, he asked me to never come back home and we didn’t talk for a month or so. I am someone who is scared of my Dad because he is a very short tempered and controlling kind of guy. I have always been a good daughter and have never had any different views from my father. So I always try to give in rather than fighting with him. I always made it clear to him that my career was the most important thing in my life and until and unless am stable, I won’t be getting married. This somehow my dad is not very comfortable with. He wants me to get married ASAP because apparently if a say no to a guy, Thats an insult to him. I have tried making him understand but he never gets it and whatever discussion or point I throw in, he ends up humiliating me and never listens to me. He is a man who you cannot win an argument with.

Now he brought a proposal again and when I said it clear that this marriage stuff is not something I want right now, he again started scolding me and told me that he will meet the guy and his parents and if i say no, he will make sure to make me resign the company am working right now. I am a career oriented girl and I would never sacrifice my job for anything, and my dad is aware of this. I told him that I want to focus of my job and be independent and then we can talk about this stuff. I just joined my company and it will take a minimum 2-3 years for me have a decent money and savings. But he did not get this and said that he will make sure I don’t work in the firm if I create a scene or say no to the guy.

I love my parents and I know my dad is short tempered but he was never this aggressive until my relatives started making him over think about my marriage. My parents will be forcibly making me meet the guy in about two weeks without my approval and the more I talk to parents about this, the more they become aggressive towards me. What do I do.. please help me.. I don’t wanna fight with my dad, I know he loves me but this marriage bullshit of him is something I cannot stand.

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What Khaps need is a strictly implemented law against Forced Marriages.

“My husband says he can’t go against his family. My father says study but not without your FIL’s permission.”

Pretty brides who respect elders and identify themselves with their husband’s families.

What better deal can any girl look for!

A guest post by Mr GV.

IHM,

A couple of months ago, you were good enough to accept a guest posting on Lallies and Venkies from me, in which I had reproduced a community member’s posting on our community forum, without naming him.

I remember what a storm that post created. The original writer has read all the outraged responses but has not chosen to reply.

He was back on the scene recently with another provocative post on our forum, titled “Cow Run on the marriage bourse is over” and he has once again given vent to his feelings about Lallies in our community.

I have once again taken his permission to share it with you on your blog and also reminded him about the possible reactions.

Regards
GV
(To refresh your memory : Lalli and Venki are typical nick names of an unmarried girl and boy in our community)

COW RUN ON THE MARRIAGE BOURSE IS OVER !

Lalliies beware – the Shalakhas and Sonalis are replacing you !

The nineties of the last century saw a resurgent Lalli population. Thanks to the booming IT industry, and the mushrooming engineering colleges, a vast number of  qualified, empowered, assertive Lallies emerged. The resources hungry corporate sector employed them and provided the best of salaries and lofty “paper” designations leading to their hitherto unheard of economic clout and purchasing power.

The electronic media beamed day and night on so called “modern life style” casting a tremendous impact on the Lallies who got “modernized” in their lifestyles. Saris and salwar suits were discarded in favour of jeans and tops, visits to expensive beauty parlours became a sine qua non of their modernity and Lallies in general were riding on cloud nine.

This led to change on their attitudes towards marriage. Was the average, simple, shy and relatively inarticulate  Venky good enough for them? May be not. Their sights were set high. Shahrukh Khan, Aamir Khan, Salman Khan, Akshay Kumar, et al  were their idea of the male personality. Poor Venkies were left out.

A lot of Lallis asserted their independence and broke tradition. Quite a number of them married outside the community even outside the religion. The poor Venkies were left twiddling their thumbs. And Lallis in general rejected Venki after Venki who came to woo them. And not all of them could find their ideal Venkie.

So today, a huge number of Lallies remain unmarried, Lallies who will never be thirty again, waiting for the right Venki to come along.

But nature abhors vacuum. How long can any situation exist?

Increased intercity mobility saw a lot of Venkies moving to and settling in various parts of the country. Always known for their brains, their honesty, diligence and discipline, Venkies make their presence felt at the work place. And it is not just Lallies who are present at these work places. There are the Shalakhas and Sonalis of the north who are only too used to the boorish, pseudo macho attitude of their males. Their society is male dominated and is a victim of undesirable social evils like dowry, the dominance of the mother in law, etc.,

Close interaction brought them face to face with the  gentle  soft-spoken Venkies, their culture and traditions and their quiet way of life. Above all, the Venkies impressed them with their quiet dignity, honesty and sincerity. And, all said and done, unlike what the Lallies think, our Venkies are not that  bad looking after all. Thus, Venkies for the Sonalis and Shalakhas were ideal husband material. Men who would respect them, men whose mothers would be kind and cultured, whose traditions and culture  were rich and dignified and whose people were generally gentle, educated and refined.

What better deal can any girl look for! Soon, the Sonalis and Shalakahs took to Venkies like fish taking to water. And more and more Venkies are sporting pretty brides, brides without attitude, brides with respect for traditions and culture, brides who respect elders and identify themselves with their husband’s families.

And poor Lallies are kept waiting, looking for the “ideal” husband. Lallies,  the cow run on the bourse is over. Move over. The Shalakhas and Sonalis are taking over.

Related Posts:

‘Daughters growing older, their egos becoming bigger, their attitudes and behavior becoming more boorish..’

A detailed check list of conditions from modern young women of marriageable age.

Early and arranged marriages within the community prevent social ills.

Eleven questions the family elders ask women in unhappy marriages.

“I want to take my own time, get a job, then think whether or not to get married. But, I can’t tell my parents all this.”

Even today, in most Indian families, self reliance for daughters is only an option – and Getting and Staying Married remains the goal. The challenge becomes tougher if a daughter is not an over achiever – has not found what she would like to do, or needs time (from her own life). 

Sharing an email.

I just cannot handle it anymore,,, i feel stuffed and it just so suffocating. I would like you to share this mail with you other readers so that i can get some honest suggestions from you and them.

I am 26 yrs old. but still unemployed. I wanted to achieve a hell lot in my life but see where i have landed that I dont even have a single financial support for myself, I have to beg my parents. I did a lot of blunders in my life topping them all was that when everybody was busy planning their careers I was way too busy maintaining my friendship.

I did b.com but from correspondence from Delhi later I did a Computer course and an Italian language course… none could help me find a “Decent job” as I wanted. So, I shifted my ways towards Government sector. I managed to clear certain levels of certain jobs but still couldn’t clear all the levels as a result I’m back to square once again.

My parents have always been supporting as I am the only girl they have. And I have a young brother… but he’s way to young. They have been encouraging all through… but its high time I know, now they also often tell me that you are our only daughter we had high dreams for you, but see where you are, you haven’t done well in anything in my life.

The issue now is, that my biggest mistake is that I am born In India as a GIRL… all my relatives are forcing my parents always as to why aren’t they getting me married till now?? What if i don’t have a job, why don’t they find a  business man… I feel like a trash. 😦

This is not the life i wanted to live, all my friends are well settled in good jobs. But, I have nothing in my hand.

And now my biggest support even my parents have said they can’t take it anymore, they are really tensed because of me, they say society and relatives are not gonna leave us. And how long should we wait.

Honestly, trust me i am putting my 100% to my studies now to secure a position in Government job. But I just can’t concentrate anymore since they have discussed all this. I honestly want to prove myself to the world now, and not only that I also want to sit for I A S exams (it’s been my dad’s dream forever).

I don’t know what to do but I feel suffocated, somehow I am so so afraid of marriage that I don’t even want to hear about it. The moment someone says anything like this I get all tensed and my pulse rises. I really don’t want to end up like this. I have thought to suicide even but I don’t want to  die like a loser and prove my parents wrong that they supported me. But I really want to get out of here. If at all i want to get married, I want that feeling to come to me naturally when I find someone with whom I want to spend the rest of my life. I can’t share this with anybody else but you.

Please tell what shall I do?? Is it such a big crime to be born in India as Girl?? I dont’ feel happy like other girls when they are all excited to be married. I really feel like doing something. But I just need escape. Please tell me what to do. Please! I want to take my own time, to get into a job, get out of this rut, go out, explore and then on my own I want to think whether to get married or not. But, I can’t tell my parents all this. Yes, they are supportive (rather they were, now they are not) but they are not open enough to understand all this. Please tell me what to do.

– A Loser

Related Posts:

‘Daughters growing older, their egos becoming bigger, their attitudes and behavior becoming more boorish..’

Response from the email writer accused of betraying her “parents, country and culture by not having an arranged marriage”

“I have reached 26 and my parents have started pressurizing me. My BF is the same age. But my BF is youngest in family!”

Indian Shaadi Logic – by Prateek Shah

At what point should educated, 21st century women who can think liberally for themselves, take responsibility for themselves…

A detailed check list of conditions from modern young women of marriageable age.

“Only thing I can can think of now is to take a spoon of boiling oil and put on my cheeks. I will see then who marries a girl with a burnt face”

18 questions for young women (and men) of ‘marriageable age’.

Early and arranged marriages within the community prevent social ills.

How important is it for an Indian girl to get married?

“I have reached 26 and my parents have started pressurizing me. My BF is the same age. But my BF is youngest in family!”

Sharing an email.

Dear IHM,

To begin my story, I am 26 year old working in an IT company for past 2 years. Living independently for past 8 years that includes my education and work experience.

Now I have reached 26 and my parents are looking for guy for arranged marriage and have started pressurizing me. Me and my BF’s are of same age. But my BF is youngest in family. He has an elder sister and brother who are still unmarried. They are 3 years older to him.

We are now utterly confused what to do and how to take things forward with family.

If he talks with his family the emotional drama that you have unmarried sister how you can think of your marriage, you care about that girl etc etc will start.

If I talk with my family they will start this right age of marriage, think about your younger sister, how you can marry in different caste etc.

Everything will turn up into mess without any result in our favor. This way is not giving a positive vibes to me for our relationship. It will create only tension and increased pressure on both of us to break this relationship.

I am very depressed these days. Why there is such strict hierarchy of marriage? May be his brother thinks of higher education and didn’t get married then what will happen to our marriage.
If my BF pressurizes his brother to get married then what about his higher education in case it takes time in marriage of his sister and brother. What about my sister in case if I wait for my BF for 2-3 years, then her marriageable age and time will come in way.
Why I have to marry within a 1-2 years so that my sister gets married on time? Why in our society, we (we included everyone) have to scarifies our happiness, our aspiration, our dreams and love for our dear ones? Why to scarify for maintaining marriage hierarchy. If I refuse to do so and take tough stand then I will be termed as selfish, mean, troublemaker, black sheep, self-centered etc etc by everyone (includes parents, extended family, friends and faceless society).
Why we can not marry when we feel that we should marry for love and partnership in life. Why there is such a strict rule for marriage among siblings. Why we are labeled as traitor if we stand for ourselves. Why our society is like this
I am very sad and depressed. What should I do in this situation? We want to take our relationship forward but don’t know what should be our next step.

Please help.

 Thanks
In Love
Related Posts:

Indian Shaadi Logic – by Prateek Shah

So what does marriage mean to many Indians?

Indian Shaadi Logic by Prateek Shah

1. You are getting old. You should get married.
2. You are going bald/ growing fat/ becoming ugly. You should get married.
3. All your friends are married. You should get married.
4. You are getting bored. You should get married.
5. School done. College done. Job done. What else is to be done? You should get married.
6. Late marriage means late kids. You should get married.
7. But how will younger siblings get married? You should get married. [link]
8. Sharma Uncle, Verma Aunty and all other relatives keep asking all kinds of questions. You should get married.
9. Its our duty and responsibility. You should get married.
10. Its Great Great Grandparents last wish. You should get married.

Related Posts:

An email from An Adult Male of India : “Every single family sitting or phone call will eventually lead to….”

An email: I am 18 year old male from a traditional (read:backward) Indian family.

An email from an Indian Husband… and a Good Indian Son.

18 questions for young women (and men) of ‘marriageable age’.

Early and arranged marriages within the community prevent social ills.

So what does marriage mean to traditional and conservative Indians?

“Only thing I can can think of now is to take a spoon of boiling oil and put on my cheeks. I will see then who marries a girl with a burnt face”

“Is it possible that some women secretly want a dowry – perhaps to enhance their social standing?”

Sharing an email.

Hi IHM,

I have a question that has been bothering me for some time now and was wondering what you or your readers thought of this.

There are several girls who leave for the US to pursue their higher studies. Most often they find their life partner on campus (my question pertains to the ladies who fall in love with Indian boys on campus) and once they get jobs come back to India for their marriage (to their boyfriends).

So far so good – but I have noticed that this is where dowry comes in. The boys side have expectations and sometimes demand dowry. And my biggest concern is that it is fulfilled by the bride’s side. I am unable to understand how the bride can agree to this – after the education, exposure and understanding her life partner.
Where is the fault here and who should be corrected? If education and independence still do not encourage women to stand up against dowry, what else will?

It would be interesting to hear your take on this when you get some time.

When I discuss with my friends the answer always comes down to ‘different people have different circumstances so do not judge without getting into their shoes’.
But it still troubles me because I thought that a good education is the key to getting rid of dowry. But it is slowly dawning on me that it is not…
Is it possible that some women secretly want a dowry – perhaps to enhance their social standing? Surely no one wants to suck their parents dry for dowry? In my experience I have not met any – or are they hiding that desire? I think regardless of being a boy or girl – once we are able to fend for ourselves we need to stop looking to our parents for money.

Or perhaps it is the fear of not finding a husband – but if that fear remains despite having a job and being independent – then what more is needed to rid women of that fear?

Both these reasons I can think of seem quite depressing because they seem to have something to do with centuries of conditioning and shaping how women should think and act …

IHM: Dowry is probably seen as a small compromise? But is it really a small compromise? Doesn’t giving of dowry convey a tolerance for unfair terms,  and even a desperation to get married and stay married? Can dowry ensure happiness and security for a girl?

Like the email writer, I too wonder if marriage (and providing male heirs to carry forward the husband’s family name) was not seen as the main goal in an Indian woman’s lives, maybe they (and their parents) would be able to stand up for their beliefs, not just while dealing with dowry demands, but also some of the issues discussed in the previous few posts? [link1, link2, link3]

(Because then marriageable age and the  biological clock would not be seen as looming deadlines.)

And if some women feel dowry makes the in-laws like them better, would you really blame them? After all, Indian women are raised to beitni padhi likhi par sanskari bahu’. (educated but tradition-abiding daughters in law)

Do you believe some women might believe that dowry enhances their social standing?

Related Posts:

Can Dowry be compared to Inheritance?

“Only thing I can can think of now is to take a spoon of boiling oil and put on my cheeks. I will see then who marries a girl with a burnt face”

Sharing an email.

Like Suja Jones in the previous post, this email writer also says she can understand why Indian women are driven to take their own lives. 
Do we have clear laws against forced marriages? What are the options open to young Indian women who are being forcibly ‘married off’, while they are still dependent on their parents? 

This email was in sms lingo, I have translated most of it, made no other changes.

Subject: Is my fate sealed too?? I dnt want it to be… Help me

Dear kalpana chawla… I have always imagined you in the stars and spoken to you when ever I was in distress. I made you my role model long long back. I also promised you that i would fulfill every dream of mine like you did. When ever there was a talk at home “You are a girl dont do this don’t do that ( girls are tagged khandan ki izzat rite???) ” I remembered your story where you convinced your parents and went all the way to america to achieve your goals. I thought even mine would understand my goals and I would have my life as mine completely..

Bt it all turns out to be wrong. I have just completed my studies and not even started a job in which I wish to excel and there is the famous “Marriage Talk”. When I said that I don’t want to marry and, I want to achieve something in life, today there are people coming to see me and that’s done without my knowledge. If they ask me I will say no so they are saying just a few relatives are coming. But I’m not a fool I know what it is all.

I have decided that I won’t marry. I understand y girls commit suicide or run away from homes now.. I can’t waste my life for people who don’t even care about my dreams. Don’t want to run away and create an impression on my relatives that studies spoil a girl. Only thing i can thing I can think of now is to take a spoon of boiling oil and put on my cheeks. I will see then who marries a girl with burnt face… Cant think of any other alternative.

IHM I felt the bloggers in your site understand what it is to be a girl and dream big too. Some one has to stop these old methods if the level of women must improve. I will fulfill my dreams but i don’t know how to get Rid of this marriage talk. My male friends are sure that my fate is sealed lik any other girl’s and I will never achieve anything. My female friends can’t think beyond marriage and having kids and settling down. Your blogs give me relief and i feel there r ppl who think lik me. Plz help me on tis. I need suggestions. We need to change ourselves to b d change in world. I hav decided to change. Help me out.

– Help me.

Links to news related to Forced Marriages:

1. Minor resists marriage, gets father arrested in Odisha

Bhubaneswar : The 16-year-old’s marriage was fixed after she failed in the Class 10 examination. The family even performed an engagement ceremony despite her protest.

2. Rajasthan girl says she’s under threat to accept her child marriage

Jodhpur :  A 20-year-old girl has sought protection by the Rajasthan authorities from members of a village community council who, she says, are threatening her with serious consequences if she did not accept her childhood marriage, officials said on Monday.

3. Girl goes to police against father

Jaipur : A 15-year-old girl has complained against her father in Rajasthan saying he was forcing her to marry an elderly person, police said on Monday.

The Class 10 student told police that her father was trying to fix her marriage by chargingRs.35,000 from the would be in laws.

4. Forced marriage to become crime in UK

London : Forcing someone to marry against their will; a practice often reported from communities in Britain with origins in the Indian sub-continent,  will soon become a criminal offence, Premier David Cameron announced on Friday, comparing it with “slavery”…. Most cases involve individuals with origins in India, Pakistan and Bangladesh.

Related Posts:

Early and arranged marriages within the community prevent social ills.

Parents should choose the boy for a girl aged below 21, as it is they who bear the brunt of an unsuccessful marriage – Karnataka HC

Why is abuse by parents taken so lightly by Indians?

The powers that Indian parents have over their children’s lives and choices.