“It was OK for her to say ‘no’ after saying ‘yes’? Saying ‘yes’ doesn’t mean a blanket sanction to any sexual activity.”

A Guest Post by Freebird.

I came across this other post: I Got Raped With My Consent. That Will Always Be The Most Horrible Memory Of My Life

I don’t think consensual sex which doesn’t involve any coercion should be treated as rape at any cost. So I find the statement ‘I said ‘yes’ but it was ’emotional rape” very contradictory.

But what I didn’t understand, and do find disturbing, is this:

In this story, why didn’t this girl ever realize that it was OK for her to say ‘no’after saying ‘yes’? Saying ‘yes’ doesn’t mean a blanket sanction to any sexual activity. It is perfectly right to set boundaries, or ask the other person to stop when she was getting uncomfortable. If he was hurting her and she was in pain, why isn’t it clear that she had every right to tell him to stop hurting her and not engage in things which were painful to her? And the moment this message is conveyed clearly and if he still carries on, it does becomes ‘rape’ (not an esoteric ’emotional rape’). Whether it can be proved or not is a different issue. That doesn’t change the fact that it is rape when the other person is violating your boundaries.

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‘The woman said she was inebriated when a co-worker took her to a room and raped her.’

Despite all the comments, despite the expected rape survivor blaming (for being drunk or for just being) and even though it is not reported accurately, this news is a positive indication. Because this rape survivor did not remain silent, and the alleged criminal has been ‘held’  and I am sure investigations are underway.

Man held for raping colleague after party in Gurgaon – TOI

The father of the victim had filed a complaint with the Gurgaon Police on Sunday afternoon. According to the complaint, the woman, who had joined the company a few months ago, was among 50 employees who had gone to the club for an official get-together.

The woman said she was inebriated when a co-worker, who had also joined a few months ago, took her to a room and raped her.

“I had a few drinks with my colleagues and was not in my senses. I was on my way to my room when this guy took me to his room. It was only after I was sober again that I realized what had happened. Not just police, even my company should take some stern steps to ensure that nothing of this sort happens to anybody,” the victim told the police.

And this is how the same crime is reported in the Hindustan Times,

Manesar: woman raped by colleague at office party – Hindustan Times

According to police, the woman — a resident of southwest Delhi’s Dwarka — went to her room after the party got over around 12.30am.

She was sleeping when the accused, identified as Sumit, allegedly entered her room, locked it from the inside and raped her.

“The incident happened around 1.30-2am. The girl called her father, who immediately lodged a complaint with the resort. The resort, in turn, informed the police. A medical test confirmed rape and we arrested the accused from the resort immediately,” said Rahul Sharma, deputy commissioner of police, south district Gurgaon. He added that the accused was drunk when he entered the woman’s room.

“The accused knocked on her door repeatedly, forcing her to open it finally. The victim was also quite hung over and the accused took advantage of the situation and raped her,” said Ramphal, investigating officer, Manesar police station.

Here’s a comment that sounds like common sense. 

Smriti Saxena : “The accused should be strictly punished”

And here is the expected, traditional and patriarchal response which has been successfully used by our ancestors to silence rape survivors.

What does the commentator think should ‘happen’ to the rape survivor? Should she have been too ashamed to report the crime?

Deven (PUNE) replies to Smriti Saxena

“and what should happen to the girl who drinks and cannot even control herself?”

And here are some more reasons why there is an urgent need to create awareness about Consent and Lack of consent in any sexual act.

What if the victim was a sex worker who changed her mind? Would it then be okay for the man to rape her?

Here are just six of the thousands of examples of the traditional methods that are employed to silence Rape Survivors.

1. After all the news n reports n protests, if women does not act a bit more cautious, she cannot always expect a policeman standing next to her for protection…..drink, njoy but to a point tht u dont loose ur senses!!!

2. It was wrong on his part to take advantage. But then I have to blame her too since she herself was in an uncontrollable state. When there are beasts surrounding you, why take the chance. Why cant one be careful and protect themselves. Whats the need to go to a club. What harm would it bring if the party was avoided. I think people no longer think or scan the surroundings but they just want pleasure, comfort and enjoyment and this is the price they pay

3.  You join late night parties…………………….OK, You take drink …………………………………..OK, You loose your senses………………………..OK, You loose your ………………………………………., Police & your company should take some stern steps to ensure that nothing of this sort happens to anybody. Is their any action you would take against you………………

4. Is it totally guys fault?? What the heck if gals in our country adopts western culture then they should be comfortable with the consequences as alcohol stimulates the desire. And ya of course what happened was unfortunate as one should have control upon his desire. But we cant blame the boy completely for what happened..

5. Not to justify what happened, but ladies on outings need to know how far to go. Of course the rapist needs to be punished as per the law.

6. gorigora (chennai)16 hrs ago

Its irony.. not every men is buddha.. the world history shows men will have sex with women when get an opportunity. World history shows it is woman get raped by men.. what more the girl needs educated on? She goes drinks with people and think men will spare her if thhey get an opportunity? We are living in a world even fathers, grandfathers, and brothers commit such crime their kins and what do you expect from a coworker? I am not defending that guy, but when will women take responsibility of their ownself? When will women get commonsense? When will women think wise? All that exploitation of women is not something started today.. it is not just indian thing nevertheless, indian culture also exploitive like other in the western world too.. hey women.. grow some brains..

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“Such mannequins will excite men and pose a danger to women.”

Do they really not see what can help control sexual crimes against women and children is not a ban on mannequins or sexuality, but a ban on challenging misconceptions about sexual crimes and misogyny, specially amongst those who are expected to help control such crimes?

What would help is ensuring that the Police, and and the people they serve are aware that it’s not against Indian culture to report sexual crimes.

Letting men and women know that everybody, including wives, prostitutes and provocatively dressed own their bodies and have a right to say No and Yes.

Educating men and women that Only Yes means Yes.  And that a lack of No is not Yes.

They should also know that not-following (any definition of) ‘Indian culture’ is perfectly legal and is not an invitation to be raped. That no matter what kind of social or personal lives women lead – no rapists should be told directly or indirectly that it’s okay to rape them.

Sounds obvious? Not to everybody 😦

Link shared by Mr GVjee

To fight sex crimes, BMC clears proposal to ban lingerie on mannequins

In a move to prevent “wrong acts” by men and to provide for women safety, the  Brihanmumbai Municipal Corporation has cleared a proposal banning the display of lingerie on mannequins in Mumbai, reported CNN-IBN.

This is the extension of the same mindset that believes that watching porn, or watching attractive looking women makes men commit sexual crimes. That rapes are committed by helpless men who lost control when they were provoked.