“… people will say we encouraged these men to follow us… even though we are innocent”

When young women hear victims being shamed, blamed and silenced after each news of sexual crimes against women, is it surprising that they feared they would be blamed for the Street Sexual Harassment they faced everyday?

In their suicide notes — one runs into six pages, the other is four-page long —  the girls speak of fear and shame, of disrepute, of tongues wagging simply because young men had been following and harassing them.

“Everyday a new man would come and chase us. They would pass lewd remarks and offer us phone numbers.
The people around us would stare as if we had done something wrong. You know how bad our colony is… how people will say we encouraged these men to follow us… even though we are innocent,” Madhu wrote.

What could have lead to their fear of being blamed and shamed?

Take a look at just one example of what they feared,

Related Posts:

Is stalking of girls and women illegal in India?

Would women be in some ways empowered if they saw no shame in what they could risk being called?

What did Sharad Yadav mean by, ‘Who amongst us has not followed girls?’

Reserved seats and coaches are not a special indulgence towards women, they are an indication of a serious social problem.

The fearlessness of the Indian ‘Eve teaser’ (sexual criminals)

Are we trying to threaten Indian women with rapes as punishment for modernity, independence and self reliance?

Did the posters threatening acid attacks on women wearing jeans surprise you?

Dad knifes girl for speaking to lover

“As long as the men do not understand that they CANNOT and WILL NOT get away with such behavior and criminal acts, the rape culture will not go away”

Controlling crimes against women: What works, what doesn’t work.

This is what rapists do when there is no fear of punishment.

How Victim Blaming confuses rapists, police and the society about when exactly does non-consensual-sex becomes a crime.

The rapists often don’t see their actions as crimes, the police said, and don’t expect the victims to report them.

It’s Your Fault

“She was warned several times and was used to unethical practices like friendship with boys.”

How did we make Indian criminals believe that they have 7 khoon maaf if they can claim to be teaching Indian women a lesson in Indian values?

Allahabad girl Aarti Yadav beats harasser, sets bike on fire

Can sexual harassment be compared to Terrorism against a whole community called women?

“Such mannequins will excite men and pose a danger to women.”

“I am safe because I’m very careful in the way I behave and dress in public, on the streets.”

In Gurgaon, jobs, safety and roads after 8 pm, reserved for men?

The night I was not an easy prey.

Which city in India, do you think is the safest city for women? Do women in that city stay at home after dark?

“Sometimes it seems like every single thing I do has the potential to be something ‘provocative’.”

When they don’t even understand crime, how are they ever going to begin controlling it?

Those charged with our safety should have a true understanding of what it is to be a survivor of sexual assault — slut or otherwise.

 

 

What is this big problem with Bra Strap Showing?

Sharing an email. 

And it’s not just bra strap showing, it’s also not using the word bra, or period or vagina.

What is this big problem with Bra Strap Showing… Some Lady or other will point out and some will also with confidence tug my dress to position …Yeh Chakkar kya hai… And even those women with the 2×2 see-thru rubia, through which full bra is anyways visible..

Yeh chakkar kya hai 🙄 Is it a sin to wear a bra or not to wear …? yeh chakkar kya hai…koi to batao… I don’t wear at home while I breastfeed or simply like that.

I definitely wear while running or walking as i get hurt or at risk of tearing some muscle while running..

I dry them specifically in Sunlight so that I do not get some skin infection. But this seems like everyones business including those whose Vip ki chaddi hanging on the outermost dandi on the balcony also flying in skies many times …

yeh chakkar kya hai…koi to batao…

Related Posts:

This Shame belongs to Who?

TO CALL A SPADE A S****

Romanticizing innocence ignorance, chastity and related taboos for women.

“Sometimes it seems like every single thing I do has the potential to be something ‘provocative’.”

When a rape victim chooses her life over her ‘Honor’.

This image is being shared on facebook and had 399 likes, 306 shares and 217 comments when I last saw it. Warning: The language used in the post and the comments is disgusting. 

Here’s what it says,

Thoo… Thoo… (spit) on the face of this doctor woman. This is woman agricultural scientist Anita Shukla. This woman calls herself a doctor but she thinks like a prostitute. She talks trash, says the Delhi bus gang rape victim should have surrendered when she was surrounded by six rapists, atleast she would have saved her intestines. What would you say to this Kulta?

(Kulta is a term used to insult women, roughly translated it means, a woman who has blackened her face by not following Patriarchal norms.)

In this case Anita Shukla criticised the rape victim for being in the wrong place, at the wrong time, in wrong clothes, in wrong company, and for not handling the crime in the right way. Anita Shukla felt the victim should have ‘surrendered’ when she saw she could not fight back. (Meaning the rape vicitm should have valued her life more than her ‘honor’?)

‘The victim should have surrendered when surrounded by six men, at least it could have saved her intestines’. [Link]

Many Indians believe they know exactly how women can control sexual assaults, and I assumed she was only being condemned for blaming and shaming the victim.

But Indian understanding of crimes against women seems to stop at how it affects their honor. And yet there is hope, because many comments did seem to believe that a rape victim choosing her life over her ‘honor’ was not a shameful thing to do.

And here are some of the comments,

“kyoki doctor banane ke liye is aurat ne esa hi kiya hoga,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,chhhiii gandi aurat”

Translation: “because she must have done something like this to become a doctor… yuck dirty woman!” (implying she must have slept with someone to be awarded her degree)

There is so much that is wrong with this one comment. For one, the commenter seems to have no clue that a brutal rape and consensual sex for any benefit are not the same thing.

2.

” **** **** character less.”
Suggesting a rape victim saves her life instead of her ‘honor’ makes makes the person suggesting this ‘characterless’?
3.
“Aji Dr. Sahiba vo jina bhi kis kam ka jiske liye apni atma ko marna pade, is time kam se kam ye duniya uske sath jiske aap nahi or aap jaise soch ki nariyo n hi un **** ko ye himmat di h”
Translation: Hey doctor ma’am, what’s this life worth if one’s soul has to be killed (to save that life)? This time, atleast  the world is with her who you are condemning. Women who think like you have made these rapists so bold.
Not all comments thought like this and there is hope that the pressure from those who don’t, can compel the police and the law makers to put their prejudices aside and ensure women are seen as equal citizens and not as Zinda Laash or Ghar ki Izzat (Honor).

Here’s why I think the society should not obsess over a woman’s virginity.

Here’s an article from TOI that I think encourages sexist fallacies. “Great things about being a virgin woman“. (Thanks for the link A and Remya)

The article tells women to “just remember that there are many advantages of being a virgin. It is one of the most special gifts god has given you.

Here’s why I think the society, men and women, should not obsess over woman’s virginity (and sex life). Rambling thoughts, might edit and add links later.

An obsession with women’s virginity makes it look like we are okay with double standards and hypocrisy. (Also, since everybody loses their virginity only after sexual experience, and only some are expected to preserve it we don’t think of questioning the need to preserve inexperience.)

This obsession starts connecting a woman’s morals with her sex life. It indicates that women who do not refuse to have intercourse until they are married are somehow not nice people. We know this is not true. A woman’s sex life is just a part of her life and personality – focusing on it makes it seem like her ‘body’ is more important than herself. It’s disrespectful to women, for a society to value her body parts more than her life – I think it is at the root of a lot of other evils and controls on women’s life.

It also prevents women (and indirectly men) from experiencing sex – obsession with virginity makes sex look like something women do for men, like something women give and men take. (“So now, save your virginity. Don’t give it away on a platter.”)

It encourages sexual crimes. One, by making a serious crime become more about a woman’s ‘lost virginity’ and secondly, by making it shameful for women to even talk about this ‘great loss’. Some Indians see it as so shameful that they kill the victims. The shame has now become a habit and the same mindset also affects how we deal with Child Sexual Abuse.

Since the obsession involves only 50% of the populace, it has also resulted in millions of children and women being trafficked and kept in inhuman conditions – because Patriarchy believes that the 50% for whom the virginity is being preserved have their ‘needs’.

When we see sex as something men want and women provide, then we see our Police and rapists (and many other people) believing that women, who are not criminals, sex workers or just bad people, cannot want sex. And once it is established that all good women hate sex, then it becomes easier to silence rape victims by conveying they ‘asked for it’.

It prevents women (and society and law makers) from seeing sex as an activity where women are equal participants. Often just their participation (and anything that leads to it) is seen as condemnable.

This also affects how widows, divorcees and rape victims are seen – as ‘used goods’. This obsession also leads to young women being killed if they are suspected of not being virgins.

Please think about it, how does virginity benefit women?

Maybe it assured a father (before the DNA testing days) that the first child he had with a virgin most probably did carry his genes – but isn’t there more to a man-woman relationship, doesn’t it indicate lack of trust and a lack of respect for the mother?

Maybe it also assured their partners that any sexually transmitted diseases they have, have been passed on by their other non-virgin partners. It also made it easier for their partners to pretend the woman was frigid.

Maybe it meant that many women never knew their bodies could not just produce babies and please their husbands, they could also be used for their own pleasure.

How is lack of knowledge and experience a ‘virtue’?

Now when women are marrying later than ever before, I wonder if it makes sense to wait to have sex until they are married. Who does it really benefit and why?

The article claims, “…there are many advantages of being a virgin. It is one of the most special gifts god has given you.”

Is Virginity a gift from god? Who is this gift meant for? Does this gift from god make women lead better lives?

Obsession with virginity affects children too. We worship mothers who have husbands (it is assumed that they were virgins till they were married), and condemn mothers who don’t – their children (boys or girls) are ostracized.

The articles lists these benefits for virgin women.

“No pregnancy fears:” – Readily available information about contraception would be a more practical option, though in some cultures married couples are advised abstinence to prevent pregnancy.

“No STDs:” Doesn’t this apply to men and women both? Today in India many married women and their children have AIDS. These women were virgins when they married and their non virgin (and not necessarily faithful) husbands passed on the virus to them. Some countries in Africa and other countries that obsess with women’s ‘purity’ face similar problems. If virginity was not such an issue, all these other related issues would not be brushed under the carpet and serious discussion would be possible.

“No emotional trauma of a relationship: Sometimes there is nothing left in a relationship after sex. Love is not all about sex so there are many things a couple can do without sex in a relationship. Remember, a sexual disappointment can make you feel hurt, lonely and angry.”

I would have thought knowledge and experience should help in such cases. And emotional trauma in a relationship is possible with or without sex, unless one of the partners insists on seeing virginity as a ‘gift from god’.

And does this imply that it is okay if there is no ‘relationship after sex’ for married couples?

Agree with there are many things that couple can do in a relationship – but didn’t understand why sex shouldn’t be one of those things, if both the partners want it and no coercion or emotional blackmail is used?

“Your man will feel so proud and happy: It’s a fact; most men still prefer a virgin woman. No guys want to think about his girl having sex with other guys. Even though virgin women are not sexually experienced, men still love them and feel more sexually excited. He will respect your innocence, and also there won’t be any arguments on your past relationships.”

Sexist generalizations. So a woman should stay a virgin to make a man ‘sexually excited’? (Such non-virgin intentions are innocent?) Also consider – what would make a man prefer a virgin? Fear of being compared to her other partners? What about the woman having similar concerns?

“You are pure as an angel: Virgins are probably one of the sanest people on earth. Most virgin women have morals and respect themselves. Also they take relationship and marriage very seriously.”

This made me wonder if this article intended to provoke reactions like this post.

Or, Poe’s Law?  (Thanks Natasha S 🙂 )

So do you think women and the society benefit from women ‘preserving their virginity’? How?

What do you think would change if such controls were not there?

Related Posts:

Why exactly do we disapprove of Live-in relationships and Premarital sex?
Driven by tradition, Kanjarbhat elders force Virginity tests.
Shameless – By: Priya Alika Elias, Ultra Violet, Indian Feminists Unplugged.
Great Things About Being A Dimwit – Women’s Web, Aparna
We like our virgins – Amit Sharma

The Confused Friend: As her well wisher would you try to put some sense into her or would you wait for her to realize these mistakes herself?

I am sharing this email from The Confused Friend because I have heard of these concerns about irresponsible feminism’ from a lot of people. Concerns such as these convince women to let the parents choose their partners. Women are told marriage protects them from such situations hence Getting and Staying Married should be every Indian woman’s goal in life.

I know I have been asking for a lot and was harsh also but I think if you publish (maybe as a new post to avoid confusion) this it would help in getting some perspective.
My sincere apologies for coming out very strongly to some of your suggestions. I realise that most of it caused by the first line of my mail. In my sheer confusion I have given the impression that my friend does not deserve to be treated with respect. My friend’s case is not of what I refer to as ‘irresponsible feminism’, my fear is something else here. But before I get to that – My friend’s case is an unfortunate one where her parents thought locking her up would solve the problem, only if they knew it is only accentuating it. We are looking for the best way out of this mess. I know it will take time (maybe a lot it!) but my friend has decided to invest that much time to come out with best possible solution to this problem.

I know of a girl who was happy and normal like many of us. Her parents are doctors who reside in different city. They trusted her to live her life responsibly and let her make her decisions. She was a relationship with a guy which unfortunately did not work out. She got involved with another guy who ‘used’ her in every he can. He shifted city and forgot about her. This lady had so much love that she went there to convince him. That is when she got to know that she was used by the man, which hit her badly in some way. When her friends warned her about the guy, she did not believe them. These were her best of friends in that city and she trusted them during crisis. Now since her parents did not know anything about this situation, they obviously were not in picture. Let us say if they knew and had tried to say the same thing – would she believe them? she did not believe her peers? What if she said ”I know what I am doing and because I am a girl you are doing this to me” (she said similar stuff to her friends) Now she has been thrown out of the PG she used to live in, she is known to have slept with numerous men in office. Her desperation is visible to everyone! Her case may be one of ones but it forces me to think ? This lady is going on to ruin her life and when confronted used ‘ You oppress me’ kind of statements. As her friend/parent/well wisher if you try to put some sense into her or would you wait for her to realize these mistakes of herself or rather have a bad name in her eyes but do something good for her?

When I said draw the line in my mail, I meant for cases like these. I don’t mean to say we lock up this lady. But how do I make her understand feminism is not only about the choices you make? It is about the choices you make and how you learn from them ? When someone restricts you it might not be to oppress you, it could be because someone genuinely cares about you and knows that you are going the wrong way? You can’t always say ‘I am a woman that’s why my choice is not respected.’ Sometimes your choice is not worth respecting.

Please understand I have two contradicting “real life” cases in front of my eyes. Both say the same thing but the context is different. In one I am completely sure that she is ruining her life while in other I am little less sure but I have faith.

Slut Walk: Would women be in some ways empowered if they saw no shame in what they could risk being called?

Media continues to be sympathetic to the rapist.

This writer seems to think women in conservative clothing face no sexual harassment on the streets, and when women dress in certain ways they face more harassment. An honest rethink shows that to be untrue. I have blogged about traveling at night, in a non AC train compartment to a small town in India, in jeans.  It clearly reaffirms that the only thing that stops such men from harassing women is fear of unequivocal condemnation (which could lead to punishment). If we continue to blame women for asking for it, they would never have the confidence so needed for fighting back or for firmly refusing to tolerate harassment.
The media probably means well and is genuinely convinced that if all the women started dressing conservatively sexual crimes would come down, and if all the women started wearing jeans, short skirts and high heels, we’d see an increase in crimes against women. This ignorance mindset is the reason why we need discussions. awareness, rethinking, reconditioning and debates (etc) created by Slut Walk and such protests.

The writer says,

Even the basic argument of SlutWalkers that men should not ogle women who are dressed revealingly is ultimately unrealistic. Yes, a woman can control how she projects herself in the world but she needs to be aware that the way she dresses can trigger certain reactions around her which she cannot control.” [Link]

Such eagerness to defend sexual criminals is not unusual – it’s called Rape Culture – meaning a culture that justifies instead of condemning rape. Sex offenders are encouraged by this ignorance and excuses. Most rapists are aware that their crime might not be reported because the victims might fear  criticism just like this one for ‘triggering reactions they can’t control’.  Such mindset makes the victim the culprit, little realizing that sexual crimes are not a result of sudden uncontrolled impulses, the rapists (or molester) is generally aware that he would find direct or indirect sympathy, and the victim would either not report or be blamed for the rape.

My non Indian friends dress more conservatively in India. Then  why can’t Indian women Please Adjust?

My non-Indian friends in Delhi dress more conservatively than they would do in London or New York because they are aware of the cultural differences and wish to protect themselves against possible misinterpretation.

And that makes it okay for Indian media and police (etc) to not be taught that women’s clothing is not responsible sex crimes against women?

SlutWalkers inhabit a fantasy world if they think they can be invulnerable to the force of culture, history and social conditioning — and the fact that most of us take three seconds to form an opinion of someone based on their appearance or accent.

They know they are vulnerable because of a culture that excuses crimes against women and that is why they are trying to create awareness, debates and discussions – it’s okay to hear what an average street sexual offender feels to be able to stop such crimes.

And about history  🙄  read this, https://indianhomemaker.wordpress.com/2011/06/25/slut-walk-and-how-womens-bodies-are-different-so-they-need-to-be-covered-for-their-own-safety/

For those who prefer ‘decent‘ protests, did you even notice this or many other such protests?

If calling it Slut Walk gets people to notice the protest, and if it starts discussion, the protest is already a success. (Even if some people can’t adjust to women refusing to die of shame at being called behaya/sluts/besharam/other names that should have sent them scurrying for their dupattas)

Would women be in some ways empowered if they saw no shame in what they could risk being called?

Even if Poonam does not run naked, she should be punished?

Model Poonam Pandey’s plan to strip if India beat Sri Lanka Saturday has angered the Bharatiya Janata Party’s (BJP) women’s wing which has sought police action against her.

“Indian women are revered and respected since time immemorial…”

How exactly do we show this reverence to women? Please do compare this to how we show respect to everybody else.

Can threats be called ‘respect’?

I have so much respect for you; don’t ask to eat with the rest of the family. Your happiness lies in seeing us enjoy the food you cook.”  Is that respect?

So basically,

If you disagree we can’t respect you.

Don’t try to give your point of view, we won’t be able to respect you…

Little girls earn this respect by respecting the fact that they are always second to their brothers. “What’s wrong with that, don’t they love their brothers?

It’s more like a Terror of Respect.

Do as you are told or else we will not ‘respect’ you.

Dress only the way we permit or else…

Don’t choose your life partner or else…

Let your husband and his family abuse you, or else…

Give us a male heir or else…

Don’t enter the temple, you are impure…

And worst,

Don’t complain if you were sexually harassed, molested or abused or else no respect.

So, when it comes to women, it seems respect is more a means to control than a privilege.

I would say the only kind of respect that matters is the respect we have for ourselves. Or Respect that is given in return of respectequal and mutual. All other forms of reverence and respect are not too far from ‘honor’ and ‘honor killing’ or honor related abetted suicides.

Kelkar objected to Poonam ‘sullying the image of Indian women before the whole world.’ (Read Bhagwad’s objections to granting Poonam such powers)

Another man thinks her actions can sully the name of his caste. So obviously this lawyer believes there are no Brahmin rapists, child abusers  and murderers? Or these crimes don’t insult Indian culture?

“Even if Poonam does not run naked, she should be punished as she not only gave a wrong impression of the (Brahmin) community but insulted Indian culture,” The case will be heard April 5. (Today)

We live in an India where some people can legally express their arrogant, sexist and casteist opinions and offend my democratic and tolerant sentiments. I find it difficult to understand or ‘respect’ such frivolous objections. Are they doing this for free publicity? In a country where rape victims have to wait for years for justice, aren’t such cases a waste of time and resources?

Thankfully we are a civilized, democratic society. Poonam Pandey, Rakhi Sawant and Mallika Sherawat are generally free to ignore these opinions or react (if required) through a civilized, legal process.  No stoning. No anti-blasphemy laws.

And that is something I respect about my country. 🙂

Women who value the respect they have for themselves more than the respect of every wannbe politician, publicity seeker, neighour’s third cousin etc are able to fight back.

Sraboney shared this video where this Pakistani actor Veena Mallik is fighting back against similar allegations. Makes me wonder if hypocrites are the same everywhere.

It’s child abuse, not an ‘affair’.

If a 13 or 14 year old child has sex with a man in his early twenties would you call that having an ‘affair’? Or is it child abuse? (Legally this would be rape.)

If the man is related and is free to walk into and stay in her house, and if he tells her he loves her (but can’t marry her, can meet her in lonely parks, can beat her  and claims to have photos of her to blackmail her with) and if she believes she loves him too – would this be ‘love’?

If she has seen her mother and almost every other woman being brutalized by their spouses, is it not natural that she sees this abuse and violence as a normal part of a man-woman relationship or…‘being in love’?

If this married man, then tells her if she does not run away with him he would show her photos to her family, would you say her fear is a result of western culture and too much freedom for youth?

Or a result of criminal neglect by an irresponsible society?

Can the society be excused if a young person dare not tell anyone the first time she felt an adult’s behaviour or touch was inappropriate?

We do not believe in guiding innocent children about such ‘dirty’ things. We don’t care how they learn. We prefer it if they don’t. We believe good girls and boys have curiosity about only what we approve. (Click to read)

Would you say such a victim has brought shame on everybody and herself?

Can she really be blamed? She probably learnt whatever she needed to know about relationships through her surroundings, movies, cheap books and this man.

The rapist/abuser might threaten to ‘leave’ the female relative he is married to, if he is challenged. And that is a serious threat.

He gets to call the shots.

Knowing how our society sees ‘getting and saving a marriage at all costs’ as a woman’s goal in life, the female relative might worry about her own future.

I wonder if there isn’t something very basically wrong with a society that works so hard towards empowering the abuser so blatantly.

Related posts –
1. Sex Education has nothing to do with Blue Films.
2. How are we protecting our children.

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Indian family values are good for Indian daughters?

When a girl disappears…

My cleaning maid didn’t come yesterday – this morning she said she didn’t know how to tell me what happened, but knew me well enough to know I would understand. What could it be? Her chachiya-saas’s 4th daughter (father in law’s younger brother’s 4th daughter) didn’t come back from tuition the day before. The 15 year old had left with just a notebook, pencil and a little change for some snack, all the kids reached till their street together around 7 30 pm , and after that she hasn’t been seen.

The mother waited till 8 30 pm, then asked my maid to come with her to the tuition teacher’s place. Then they looked in all the parks – including she said ‘a notorious park near XYZ theater’ and her mother started getting worried then and wished the daughter had died instead of this.

I thought she would be praying for the child to be alive? No, it seems not if it is a daughter.

She started crying saying it would have been better if she had eaten poison and died.

Better for who?

I asked her if the mother feared the girl had eloped.

“…it is possible that the fault lies with our own child, but I was close to her, I know she was not like this..”

“Like what Kanta? And what fault? She is 15! Younger than my daughter, even if she did like a boy,  did she discuss this at home? Could she discuss something like a liking for a boy with anybody at home?”  By making falling in love such a crime, we put girls in terrible dangers. Like cornering them into running away (and often being sexually exploited) instead of simply going out with a boy.

“All her other daughters have never let us down, the older three have had proper arranged marriages… ”

“Did you ask everybody in the neighbourhood to help you look for her? Somebody must have seen her… if she was forced she would have dropped her notebook in the struggle?”

“We did, her mother was worried about ‘badnaami‘ (honor) but agreed to complain to the police when I convinced her.”

“Kanta if honor is so important, tell her mother such news can’t be kept a secret, now she can save the child’s life, by making a noise and all this honor-shonor is forgotten in a few years. What’s the worst that would happen? She won’t get married? At least save her life now.”

The female sub-inspector at the police station asked us to get her school certificate to prove she was 14, saying she looks older…”

This boggles me. Wasn’t this too urgent to worry about her age? Find her first and then worry about her age…? She could be dying this moment.

My maid left for the girl’s school, (opening today, she said, after summer vacations) “Maybe if some haadsaa (disaster) happened with her, she would be too ashamed to face her parents so she might have gone to a friends’ house, or maybe somebody knows where she might go...”

So if something bad were to happen to a daughter, it is possible that her family was not the safest haven for her to rush to?

I told Kanta not to work but to try and speak to as many people as  they could, get help from neighbours, teachers, class mates …and not to rule out acquaintances. 70% crimes against women are committed by someone known to the victim.

“I can’t tell them at such a time, but her father drinks and often brings home his cronies and the mother was often beaten for protesting, she used to tell him they had young daughters at home, it was not right to bring this kind of men home. Maybe somebody known to her  told her there was an emergency and took her away to some lonely place…”

She disappeared on Thursday evening, it’s Saturday morning now. No news.

Love Aajkal is against Indian Culture, but Kicking is legal?

I am so confused!

First thing I notice in Love Aajkal is that even the heroine is ambitious! I like that. I clearly remember Bollywood once suggested that an ambitious woman left her child alone at home, ‘burning with fever’ to fulfill her selfish ambitions. She learnt a lesson – often after being slapped by her husband (I am not sure, but it is possible that it’s excusable under the law, unless your lawyer uses the right Act etc, though it seems Brinda Karat has challenged this). How does one prove that kicking is not an act of kindness when the old Bollywood heroine turns around and asks : ”Yeh thappar aapne mujhe pehele kyon naheen mara??” (Why didn’t you slap me earlier my Lord? ) Anybody watching movies of those times could get confused and think Indian wives are generally grateful for a timely slap (or a kick).  So any confusion is understandable.  Now are my maid’s mother in law and husband not cruel anymore? … was I breaking a law in supporting her? I am confused.

… but Dipika Padukone is ambitious. I admire her for that even if she is expressionless while being ambitious.

Then we have a heroine committing the sin of being drunk. Again I am confused, Kawariyas are provided liquor in shivirs but girls in Mangalore were beaten for drinking liquor, I get all confused by these modern definitions of my culture. Is drinking against our culture or not? Citizens in Ghaziabad (and Noida and Gurgaon) are advised, ‘kawariyon se na uljhen’ (‘Avoid getting into hassels with kawariyas’, in a local newspaper) but girls in Managalore are dragged by their hair and molested for allegedly drinking in a pub. Please explain.

Deepika Padukone in the meanwhile claims that she only pretended to be drunk, so that her boyfriend could “take advantage of her“. Reminds me of Kajol’s horror in a similar situation in Dilwale dulhania le jayenge (justified because  Shahrukh Khan was not her boyfriend till then) and SRK assuring her that he knew, “ek Hindustani ladki ki izzat kyaa hoti hai (Translated: He knew what honor means to an Indian girl). Saif and Deepika have no idea that in movies long ago a girl was required to rush blindly towards the nearest cliff because she had crossed her ‘maryada’ (even if it was without her consent).

So I liked Love Aajkal for showing some real life. And for showing women as sexual beings unlike this. I know of girls living happy lives with their husbands who took …err advantage of them before they filled their maang with sindoor. And what if things hadn’t worked out??!!! (Oh horror!) I am sure the disappointed guy would have eventually got over and the girl too, because unlike Rishi Kapoor in Love Aajkal, I believe, one must move on.

Life is too precious to be wasted because a relationship did not work. One’s First Love need not be one’s only love. This is something Bollywood understood ages ago… watch the video in the first comment.