An email: “Even after marriage, he shows absolutely zero interest in me. It’s been SEVEN years.”

Sharing an anonymous email. 

“I even asked my husband if he was maybe gay, in which case I just won’t tell anyone about it…”

 

Dear IHM,

I’m in a very unhappy state and so confused with what to do..

I have been married for 7 years (known my husband 2 years before that when we “dated”)… while we were dating, nothing sexual happened between us (not even a kiss, no heart racing stuff)… while I didn’t give it much thought then, now I feel I should have!

Even after marriage, he shows absolutely zero interest in me. It’s been SEVEN years and through these years, I have fought, cried, reasoned out, explained myself, allowed him to be the way he wants… basically everything that I could do.

I have told him openly I miss the “sex”, not as a physical activity but more as an emotional one.

I have told him I’m okay with doing anything and that he needs to feel comfortable and rest assured I won’t judge him incase he has weird tastes (I was thinking “fetish” or “role play”).

I even asked him if he was maybe gay, in which case I just won’t tell anyone about it, we would work on the  pregnancy thing through alternatives.

But he just doesn’t give me the input I need. There is zero cooperation from his side.

He keeps saying there is no problem (evidently there is!)… and he says “we will do this week”, “we will have sex next week” etc

And SEVEN years have passed already.

I’m am  at an extremely depressed stage. I do not know what to do.

I cry randomly, I feel sad… and I’m crying as I type this.
I’m scared that I’m getting into depression without me even realising it!

And I feel so worthless through it all. I feel like there is no one really for me (my parents are no more) and many a times I have thought about divorce.

Few things…

1. 98% he’s not gay (saw some porn details on his mobile history. Regular porn, no fetish types or gay types)
2. I’m extremely hygienic and smell good
3. Our environment is sex friendly
4. I’m a good looker and quite attractive (not to sound vain, but wanted to clear certain basic questions that might pop up)

Can you PLEASE do a topic on this, I feel like I need to see things from a fresher perspective..

Thanks a ton!

Related Posts:

Can a woman marry and change an uninterested (in marrying her) man into a responsible, loving husband?

And what would have happened if this man had declared that he was gay and hence would not marry a woman?

Denying sex to spouse on first night ground for marriage annulment: Delhi high court

A comment- ‘Reverse the gender, and it is marital rape.’Depriving wife of sex is cruelty, Mumbai court rules

Refusal to have sex during honeymoon is not cruelty: Bombay high courtQuestion about Sexuality in Indian Arranged Marriages

Romanticizing innocence, chastity and related taboos for women.

“There is so little conversation about a woman’s desire for sex that a lot of people simply assume it doesn’t exist.”

A tag: But when a woman sees a hot man, nothing happens in her brain?

Gird Your Loins – Aarti Sethi, Kafila

“Porn is a discourse about sex and works like an educator about sex and gender.”

An email: Also this is a genuine question and not a pornographic mail.

Girls morally bound not to have sex before marriage, says fast track court judge

‘I’m now thoroughly convinced that the entire concept of virginity is used to control female sexuality.

Here’s why I think the society should not obsess over a woman’s virginity.

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‘Both families arrived at a compromise and she decided to continue to live with her gay husband.’

Indian parents’ need to win (by any means) the approval of the ‘people’ in their social circle – relatives, friends, neighbours and acquaintances is a social evil at the root of many other social evils.

It leads to dishonesty, hypocrisy, abuse, control and social crimes, including – 

Semi forced arranged marriages (mainly because of the concept of a ‘marriageable age’ for women and the expectation from women to provide male heirs);

Getting a daughter ‘married-off’ to someone the peer group approves of (or is envious of), leading to willingness to give dowry and raising the daughter to be a future daughter in law, and male child preference;

Viewing of Happily Married Daughters as status symbols, leading to forcing them to Get Married Stay Married or die trying.  

Perhaps the worst of all is the parents’ refusal to support their children, often, when they need them the most. 

Sharing an email by Karishma V.P. 

Hi IHM,

You must have already read the news of the suicide of the AIIMS doctor because her husband was gay. What I did not know, until I read this article (link below) was that his homosexuality was discovered two years ago. She informed her family and both families arrived at a compromise where she decided to accept the fact and continue to live with him. Now after her suicide her parents are filing a case against him.

The fact that a young, educated, financially independent professional woman would choose to continue living with a man who is gay, that her family would encourage or support her decision instead of guiding her to end the marriage right away, shows a great deal about Indian society and its attitudes towards women and marriage even now. The fact that his family was not ready to accept him and he didn’t have the guts to come out of the closet is one thing. The fact that she didn’t value herself more and her family didn’t have the common sense to get her to walk out when she did not is another. Knowing that her family knew this more than 2 years ago makes me feel that they should also be booked for her suicide if the husband is being booked.

To what extent will we go to keep up appearances of marriage in Indian society?

http://hindustantimes.com/newdelhi/aiims-doctor-kills-self-over-torture-by-gay-husband-reveals-ordeal-on-facebook/article1-1338996.aspx

Thanks and regards,

Karishma V.P.

Related Posts:

When she says she no longer wishes to stay with him, why isn’t her word enough?

Can a woman marry and change an uninterested (in marrying her) man into a responsible, loving husband?

 If someone dislocated your jaw…

“10 years ago, the girl would have been counselled on how to change her dress sense for the boy, how to do as he says.”

When a daughter refuses to go back…

हमारी बेटी संस्कारवान है और मंत्री बनने के बावजूद पति के पांव की जूती ही है।

Are Happily Married Daughters a status symbol in India?

Please watch Queen, what kind of future was Rani being offered? 

And here is why women are so helpless in marriage issues and in their martial home.

Marriage Vs Live in Relationships : Twelve points to note.

Section 377:

And what would have happened if this man had declared that he was gay and hence would not marry a woman?

How would you react if you knew your son (or daughter) felt this way?

“Homosexuality is criminal offence, Supreme Court rules.”

“If I was born somewhere else, sometime later, in a more liberal family, in a more equal world…”

And what would have happened if this man had declared that he was gay and hence would not marry a woman?

Would he still risk being arrested under the same Sec 377?

It seems the crime he is being arrested for is not that he cheated the woman (for that we have options like asking the victim to adjust), but that he is gay.

But what options did the legal system permit this citizen here? Stay unmarried and pretend he is not gay?

Sec 377 slapped on Infosys techie after wife catches his gay acts on spycam

Though they had been married for a good six months, John allegedly refused to touch Lisa and did not initiate any physical contact with her. The two even slept in separate rooms, according to the dentist.

…

“I first spoke to John and advised him to get a medical test done, thinking he did not want to get intimate with me because he was impotent. However, he flatly refused; so I had no option but to approach his parents. Imagine my utter shock when they blamed me for their son not being attracted to me, saying he was ‘perfect’ and that I was flawed in some way…” Lisa recalled.

 

[Newly wed Sweety faced the same pressure to ‘attract’ Smartu in this case. – IHM]

 

…Finally, the dentist decided to take matters into her own hands. Turning detective, she installed hidden cameras…  she was aghast to find recordings of her husband’s homosexual encounters with another man. … armed with the evidence, walked into the nearest police station to file a complaint.

 

“I have also accused my in-laws of cheating me since I believe they knew their son was gay, but intentionally led me to believe he wasn’t. They have cheated me and ruined my life by getting me married to him,” the dentist rued.

Related Posts:

“If I was born somewhere else, sometime later, in a more liberal family, in a more equal world…”

Can a woman marry and change an uninterested (in marrying her) man into a responsible, loving husband?

“Homosexuality is criminal offence, Supreme Court rules.”

The Liberals will Live And Let Live…

Who is the victim in this crime?

How do you define Sin?

How Do You Distinguish Right from Wrong?

Denying sex to spouse on first night ground for marriage annulment: Delhi high court

Maybe it’s because we are still a young Democracy…

 

“If I was born somewhere else, sometime later, in a more liberal family, in a more equal world…”

Sharing an email.

Dear Ma’am,

I am 20 and I am absolutely petrified about my future. And this is because I am a closeted Gay man. I read your post about how LGBT movement and Feminism are related, as both of them are fighting against chauvinistic and hypocritical pigs (sorry for the language), who want to force their rules on others’ lives.

I read a poem on your blog written by Nancy Smith, Which is titled “How Feminism Benefits Men”. It struck a chord in my heart. It brought new perspective towards feminism, how it benefits both men and women. It gives women their power and rights (that they rightfully deserve) and removes pressure from men. I believe this will bring back the balance in the world.

I feel an immense urge to speak what I truly believe. To fight all the discrimination between not just queer and straight, but also men and women, rich and poor…. powerful and powerless. But words need courage to be spoken. They need dignity and confidence. Over the years I lost most of my courage, confidence and self-esteem. The day mom slapped me and snatched away the paper doll I made. I wish the world around me was less judging and stereotyped. But it isn’t. And it will take at least 7-8 years for that anti-gay bill to be stroked down, another 10 years to pass marriage inequality, another 10 years before allowing gay couples to adopt and another 10 for the society to lose its attitudes. No matter how optimistic I am, a judgment free society where everyone is free seems like a mirage to me. Or is it too much too much to expect?

A few months ago my family found out that one of my cousins has a boyfriend. It was pongal time and all the members of the family gathered for the vacations. She was scolded and shamed in front of whole family. My grandfather (otherwise is very jovial and loved by everyone) suggested setting her on fire while she sleeps. I wish it was his anger speaking, not his sanity. She was a very brave girl, I would have never survived that. (Wait!! Does that make me a lesser man?) I being the eldest of all cousins, looked at as a perfect role model. But everyday I am afraid , that they would be disgusted when they find out that I am gay.

As Arundhati Roy said in her novel “God Of Small Things”, We live in a land where love-laws dictate how can love, who can be loved , how and how much.

I wish I was free. I wish I could be strong. I wish I had the courage to put on the “Proud to be gay ” batch I made years ago. But

I know its cowardice and weak to point at the society and hold it responsible for my lonely life. Because I know that I too am the guilty. I too am the part of this scum filled society. Because silence of good people is more harmful that violence of bad people. And frankly speaking it’s my inability change anything and my insufficient courage that disgusts me to the very core of me. Its Sickening.

Life would have been so easy if I was born somewhere else, sometime later , in more liberal family, in a more equal world. The Accident of Birth.

I may sound cynical. But I am just being practical. In country where majority of women don’t have equal rights nor opportunities, How  can one expect equal rights to LGBT ? And I am completely confident that the day will arrive we will arrive when we will all be free. It would take time. I don’t see a husband in my future but I will fight, so that next generation would be open minded , free of judgment or hypercriticism . When a mother won’t be ashamed of her boy playing with dolls …

This is a small poem I wrote once , I hope you find it interesting. Its called “The State Of India”

The deMOCKratic state of India,

Where democracy stands for Majority kicks Minority’s butt,

Here sex is a taboo, yet gang-rapes make it to the headlines every day,

Marital rape is legal here, for marriage is a sacred life time sex contract,

Here alternative Sexuality is crime, for God hates fags and this is a god fearing nation,

And that’s why the pious countrymen of this pious country demolished the babri and beheaded Jafri

Pious Indeed!

We pay alms at temples, so that we are forgiven for being corrupt in Offices.

God Fearing Indeed!

We dump our faeces in sacred rivers and bathe in them cleanse us of our sins

Here’s a country, whose yesteryear’s leaders dreamt of “Sone Ki chidiya”,(The Golden Bird)

But now, Religious crooks lead Educated Fools

Now,

Hypocrisy, Patriarchy, Misogyny, Hatred and Superstitions hide

Underneath the hood of Tradition, Fear of God, culture and Religion.

Truly, Incredible India!

PS – Thank you for reading the whole thing. I would be very grateful to you if you can post it on your blog. And also  if you have any advice for me Please share, I would be very grateful to you.

Related Posts:

“Homosexuality is criminal offence, Supreme Court rules.”

The Liberals will Live And Let Live…

Who is the victim in this crime?

How do you define Sin?

How Do You Distinguish Right from Wrong?

Religion Makes Us Kind and Good!?

Pussy Riot: Does Democracy mean anybody can do anything?

If she was born somewhere else.

 

“Homosexuality is criminal offence, Supreme Court rules.”

I am not able to understand how or why any act that is consensual and concerns nobody but those directly involved should face so much prejudice. What could anybody have against homosexuality, that is – if it wasn’t for the interpretation of religion/tradition/culture/family values that they have been given to understand, would they still see homosexuality as a bad thing?

Homosexuality is, like Feminism, a crime against Patriarchy. Homosexuality too reveals gender stereotypes to be not natural but a Patriarchal construct.

Because like feminism, homosexuality too doesn’t fit into the idea of macho, aggressive, male-bonding, controlling men and submissive, obedient women who hate other women and whose sole goal in life is to find a man who would be willing to marry them.

I have been away a lot and extremely busy, but had to share my disappointment with this verdict. Doesn’t equality and the right to freedom and freedom of expression include the right to love, marry or live with a consensual/willing, adult, and uncommitted partner?

Disappointed.

If homosexuality is a crime then who is the victim? Isn’t it deep rooted Patriarchy that can make so many of us see marital rape as legal and consensual sex between some adults as illegal?

Homosexuality is criminal offence, Supreme Court rules

Parliament is authorised to remove Section 377, but as long as this provision is there, the court can not legalise this kind of sexual relationship, the SC bench observed.

“It is for the legislature to look into desirability of deleting section 377 of the IPC,” the apex court said.

Maybe it’s because we are still a young Democracy…

So an Indian American student was in news for secretly filming his gay roommate (Clementi) kissing a male friend.

Clementi found out  about this, complained to college authorities,  and committed suicide.

The case sparked a national conversation about bullying of young gays after the roommate committed suicide in September 2010.

Dharun Ravi is charged with bias intimidation, invasion of privacy and hindering prosecution. Read more here.

Reminded me of AMU students in India filming their gay teacher with a male partner, but instead of those who filmed, it was the victim who was punished.

Dr Siras was filmed inside his house, participating in a homosexual act with a willing partner, for which he was suspended from the university.

Allahabad High Court issued a stay order against his suspension.

A week later he was found dead under mysterious circumstances.

Read more here.

How does one expect respect for the law when the victim instead of the criminal are punished?

Maybe it’s because we are still a young democracy that we ban/condemn consensual sex, peaceful protests and Valentine’s Day but we excuse child abuse, murder and rape; and we support hate crimes in the name of morality?

Maybe examples like the three hypocrites watching porn in the assembly will gradually make us understand that there is nothing ‘moral’ about trying to control other people’s lives and choices.

Related Posts:

Who is the victim in this crime?

How do you define Sin?

Dr Siras was filmed inside his house, participating in a homosexual act with a willing partner, for which he was suspended from the university.

Allahabad High Court issued a stay order against his suspension.

A week later he was found dead under mysterious circumstances.

And Aligarh Muslim University has an ‘intelligence unit… that spies on students and teachers‘ personal lives…

I wonder if somebody somewhere is feeling guilty about this death. 😦

*

Our Pink (or Saffron?) Chaddi Guys will find a like minded soul in Iran, in Ayatollah Kazem Sedighi. “Many women who dress inappropriately … cause youths to go astray, taint their chastity and incite extramarital sex in society, which increases earthquakes,” [Link]

[And a much better link ;)]

*

Would Ayatollah Kazem Sedighi  say these men in Afghanistan are incited by little boys?

Bacha bazi is an old Afghan tradition of taking young boys, dressing them up like girls, and making them perform for older men in tea rooms, weddings, and other private venues. The boys are “owned” by single or married men who trade or keep the boys as concubines. According to reports, the boys’ ages range from eight to 19, when they “age out” of the practice and are released.

“The bacha dancers are often abused children … one boy was sexually assaulted by a mechanic in his town. The boy’s family blamed him and turned him out. He was forced to live with the man who attacked him. ” Now I am with someone else, and he taught me how to dance,” the boy, now 16 years old, said. [http://original.antiwar.com/vlahos/2010/04/12/a-deal-with-the-devil/]

Thanks for tweeting these links Nisha.

*

A 15 year old in Faridabad walked to a nearby park at 2 am, to abandon her  daughter  minutes after the baby was born. Because she wasn’t married. [Link]

Khushboo, a South Indian actor was taken to court for recommending contraception for girls like her, because teenage sex bothers some of us.

*

A 12-year-old Yemeni bride died of internal bleeding following intercourse three days after she was married off to an older man, [Link]

“A man, aged thirty years, shall marry a maiden of twelve who pleases him, or a man of twenty-four a girl eight years of age; if (the performance of) his duties would (otherwise) be impeded, (he must marry) sooner.” (Manusmriti, IX.94)

*

Can something that hurt nobody be sinful?
Is it sinful for some of us to claim to know what is best for the rest of us? Even if we bring god into it?

Who is the victim in this crime?

There is no mention of any violence. From what is reported it seems both the partners were willing.

Then what was Dr Shrinivas Ramchandra Siras, reader and chairman of Modern Indian Languages at AMU punished for?

One expects the youth to be supportive of a more liberal, open and honest society, but these students thought they had a right to decide who Dr Siras loves or sleeps with. I think these students have a lot of learning to do  😦

Have they never heard of live and let live?

Maybe they should learn like I did – along with my eight year old niece, here.

The Liberals will Live And Let Live…

The granddaughter puts aside the morning newspaper.

Granddaughter : Nani what do you think of men being in love with men?

Nani: What’s there to think? It’s good if people love each other.

Granddaughter: No Nani, I mean gay people.

Nani pretends to be engrossed in watching TV.

Granddaughter gets up to sit next to Nani.

Granddaughter: Nani what if it is not that kind of love, what if they want to get married to each other?

This is something I am also curious about, never thought of asking this!

Nani: I said if two people are happy it’s nobody’s problem…

Granddaughter: Even if it is two men wanting to marry each other Nani?

Nani: I told you, loving other humans is a good thing, now be quiet.

Granddaughter: Nani I am so proud of you! You should meet some of my class mates, some of them said if homosexuals are not punished brothers will start sleeping with brothers, and fathers with sons, and little boys will become unsafe! (An energetic, tight hug)

So times are definitely changing, when we were in school I did not believe homosexuality even existed in India!

* * *

But like Phoenixritu says, homosexuality was accepted in ancient societies.

Achilles, the bravest of all Trojan warriors was bisexual and the famous Trojan War would have had a very different ending if it was not for his love for Patroclus.

(Watch Achilles (Brad Pitt) and Patroclus in TROY)

* * *

And another surprise for me!! A new header … (Created by my daughter, Tejaswee Rao)