“I saw my sister was on the first floor and she was locked and she was crying badly with her daughter.”

Sharing an anonymous comment.

This victim of domestic violence wants to to stay married to the violent husband because she fears (amongst other things) that their child, a girl child being raised without her father would have ‘no values’.

This desire to stay married and make it work is extremely common – and is easy to understand. Starting afresh would involve going to the court for divorce, custody and maintenance/alimony/child support. It would involve struggling for financial support and income. (How much support can she expect from a society that views the crime as a family matter?)

It would involve coping everyday with blame from family and society, for not ‘reforming’ the abuser and saving her marriage.

It can’t be easy. One shouldn’t have to make such decisions. It’s unfair. But is living with a violent man easier?

Once the mind is made up, once the idea of divorce and single parenting begins to be accepted, once some financial stability is achieved, once the emotional abuse is recognised and confidence found again (very slowly) – maybe then the survivor would be able to see that there was no choice – on one side there was a life with hope and possibilities, on the other side – never ending and escalating violence, emotional abuse and resulting destruction of confidence and self worth.  

What makes women so willing to go back to where there is certainty of misery, violence, fear and pain? Why is the alternative found so much worse than all of the above? 

Below is the comment. What advice would you give to the email writer? 

My sister’s marriage is 12 year old and she has a daughter 11 years old. One day they (25 people) came to our house and started shouting outside our home insulting my parents and my sister and they said “Your daughter is lying on the road, bring her back.” And we reached there but she was not there, then we reached to her home it was locked from outside. I saw my sister was on the first floor and she was locked and she was crying badly with her daughter. We understood that she had been beaten very badly, but since this was a family matter I didn’t do anything like calling the  police. As I was afraid of their attitude to hurt my sister, so I brought my sister and her daughter to our home.

One day after that her daughter started crying that she wanted to see her father and my father took her to my sister’s in laws’ home. They refused to keep her and they threw her with her luggage like we throw garbage in the bin… speaking very rudely to the girl child.

They are so bad. Her husband has refused to pay her daughter’s school fees, now it is more than six month that we are taking care of both my sister and my niece but he never came to take them. Whenever we tried to contact him he says he is out of station, he refused to speak to us.

Please advice. My sister doesn’t want to break her marriage. She has a thinking that a daughter without a father has no value and her father has misused my sister for 12 years.

We are also planning to file a police complaint against him but before that I want to know the pros and cons of taking a legal steps and want to know my sister’s rights as a wife for 12 years. Please advice what we can do and what we should do to resolve this issue as he is not willing to listen to us…

Anyone please suggest what to do. This is real life matter and everyone’s attention is a must as what is my sister’s life at the age of 40 + with a daughter old 11 years and her husband is very rude abusive and beat her and doesn’t even pay her daughter’s school fees.

Thanks.

Related Posts:

“I remember the first time I got slapped was when I bought some pasta home for $2.00 when the similar thing could be bought for 40cents.”

Recognizing Emotional Abuse – Priya

Women and Friendship – Building a Support System – Priya

Changing Someone (or oneself) – Priya

Is your relationship healthy?

“I think most problems in life are when we look for approval and validation outside of ourselves.”

If you had to to say something to inspire a victim of domestic violence to walk out, what would you say?

“A message is required to be sent, loud and clear that wife bashing has no place in a civilised society and violent husbands deserve no mercy,”

Is a Known Devil really better?

“I always wanted my mom to get out of her marriage. I still believe she shud have.”

Sixty. And nowhere to go.

“Her husband has told her she can leave if she wishes, she does not have a steady income of her own.”

Open letter to all Phuddu married men – Amit

Closing that chapter – just as if nothing happened – Careless Chronicles

An email. Please do not immediately write it off and say “separation”, “legal action”… is there anything she can do BEFORE she can resort to that?

More than half of young Indians believe it’s okay for a husband to beat his wife.

Jharkhand woman gives kidney to husband as dowry, kills self after six months

Domestic Violence – Tears and Dreams “She was offering me advice on relationships. You can offer to help rescue a victim. She did not consider herself one. She is happy in her marriage.”

When Is It Okay For A Man To Beat His Wife?

Overheard at a Beauty Parlour…

A daughter in law’s legal rights in her in law’s house are the same as her husband’s rights. Whatever is his, is hers.

And here is why women are so helpless in marriage issues and in their martial home.

‘I hear things like “Good luck for your bleak future” and “Drop charges, else no man will ever remarry you”…’

Are Happily Married Daughters a status symbol in India?

When a daughter refuses to go back…

Click on TAGGED below the post for more related posts

An email from the Accused Guy: ‘I would request all to respond once again after reading the other side of it.’

Sharing a comment from The Accused Guy where he attempts to give ‘the other side’ of the story. 

The comment was made in response to this email: “He became more distant and sometime would verbally abuse me, call me names and then slapping and wrist twisting started happening.”

Please note,

1. The ‘only son’ in the email is not ‘only child’. 

2. The ‘only son’ is raised to understand that he would provide for his parents. (Which is why we Indians pray, fast, bless, sex select etc).

3. The only son’s parents in this email are expected to provide for the other adult child, the married daughter (possibly to ensure that she is treated well by her in laws and hence Stays Married).

4. The average male child does not question this, though sometimes he might expect his wife to demand from her parents what his parents do for his sister. This seems to transfer the victimisation to the daughter in law. 

This is not questioned or seen as evil although this is the biggest reason for India’s Skewed Gender Ratio.  

5. Violence, physical and verbal, in the email, is being tolerated as a part of conflict resolution. 

6. Indian women (and men) feel they must marry the first person they are in a relationship with.

In case of a break up, men risk being accused of ‘using’ the woman [Link]. Women risk being accused to having been used (and hence dishonoured and no longer marriageable).

And here’s the comment from AccusedGuy.

After reading the blog post, I would have reacted the same way as everyone. But this is what one sided stories do. So I would request all to respond once again after reading the other side of it.

Which is as following:

Me and “XYZ” were together for around 6 years before marriage. We first expressed our love for each other during college days. Of course I was in love with her because I hadn’t seen anyone so innocent and pure of heart. Hence our relationship started.
Start of relation was very bubbly-bubbly as every relation is but with time I observed that that innocence started to disappear (Only for me) and I was bombarded with jealousy, insecurities and expectations. This was first time relationship experience for both of us and being naïve about it, we left things on time to improve.
Things didn’t improve even after a couple of years of relationship (Mostly distance relationship during college projects), I decided to talk to “XYZ”. But before any kind of relevant talk, I was immediately tagged as “someone who used her for a couple of years with no intentions of marriage” (which was automatically assumed since we were in “relationship”).  I tried to talk to her that cheating her was never the intention but continuing a relationship which is full of issues is also a mistake. But she never agreed to split and assured that she’ll do everything to correct her limitations and I didn’t want her to hurt her like that so we continued our relationship.
After college, we took our jobs. She was in Gurgaon and me in Noida. We met occasionally on weekends and spent 3 years like this (having major fights all the while). One fight got so worse that we decided to take a break for a couple of weeks from each other and re-think our relation. After that time we sat together and I communicated to her that we shouldn’t be together because we can’t resolve our issues. She again disagreed and told me that she’ll make all the adjustments but insisted on maintaining the relationship.
After that it’s correct that I had feelings for some other girl. But “XYZ” was aware of that before marriage. We talked about this and I assured her that no external factor will come between us (I have maintained that always and have fulfilled that to this date) but I still maintained that getting married was a bad idea because we can’t resolve our issues. But again I was accused that I wasted her six years and now was simply ditching her for some other girl.

So we got married.

After marriage everything changed.
“I’ll do everything to correct my issues” changed to “you push me for everything”…
“Lets resolve our issues” changed to “my parents will talk to you on this issue”…
“let’s stay together” changed to “we should split up” …

Parent’s issue:
Before marriage I told “XYZ” that since I am the only son to take care of my diabetic parents, they’ll come live with us. And “XYZ” seemed fairly OK with that. After marriage, before my parents were to visit us, I asked “XYZ” if she has any concerns then I’ll love to address them but she didn’t discuss anything that night… But a few days she started saying that she talked to some of her friends and she’ll like to discuss some issues.

Conversation was as following:
XYZ: Who’ll pay for their expenses?
Me: Since I am only son, there’s no segregation of money. So it doesn’t matter who pays. Even if it does, I’ll be happy to pay for my parents stay and eatables.
XYZ: What if parents leave some part of their wealth to your sister?
Me: Then it’ll be their wish. But I can still pay for their stay and eatables.
XYZ: fine. What’ll happen to us? Our alone time?
Me: We come back from office at around ~7 PM. we can join them till dinner time.. after ~9 PM we can have our alone time till we sleep (usually ~11 PM).
XYZ: fine. But I want to control kitchen my way.
Me: Sure, adjust with mum till she’s here after that you can resort to your ways again.

When parents came, she was friendly for a day or two but then she started ignoring them. Didn’t go to their room until I asked her to come along or didn’t left our room till it was exact office time during morning. I found this odd and asked if she has any issues with them. Her reply was “It takes time for me to accept and love people. So don’t push me till it happens itself”. To me, it wasn’t lack of love it was more about lack of respect that she chose to ignore my parents. [IHM:Link] That became one of our constant issues even after my parents left. Things kept getting severe on this front every time my parents visited afterwards.

I never asked/pushed her to do “Seva” of my parents and I did expect her to atleast respect my parents enough to acknowledge their presence.

Physical Abuse issue:
I’ll not defend myself here because I believe under no circumstance it should be a resort. But I’ll just add complete picture to this.
We were never good at resolving our issues and mostly it would turn into loud arguments and heated shouting. One time during such shouting I slapped her. But the moment I hit her, I realized what I had done and said sorry to her. Next day too I felt so bad that I called up mother and confessed that I slapped my wife and I was really sorry for that.
XYZ didn’t take it lightly and accused me of physical abuse. She made it a family issue and finally I apologized to her mother also for same.

In our subsequent fights, she started hitting me(Not on face but all over various body parts in her fury). I pointed that out to her that is this not physical abuse. Her response was “come on you are a guy, “itna lagta be hai tumhe??”.
First time I twisted her arm, she took a jadu and beat me with it. After her anger dissolved she said “Come on, deere se tou mara tha”
Another time, during the argument I made a gesture of raising hand and she scratched skin out of my arm. Later she said “itna bi ni lga tumhe”.

And yeah Kut*a, haram**ada were commonly used to address me during these fights.

Bangalore:
A couple of days before I was to travel to Bangalore, we had a fight. But on last day, we put that behind us and hugged. I asked her to join me as soon as she can so that we can settle our new life their together.
4-5 days later I reached Bangalore, it was her birthday so I called her and wished her (No call from her prior to that). During another call later that day we again had an argument. Next day I called her and her response was “pls stop interfering with my life and leave me alone” So I didn’t call her after that. She had medical issues, she left for her home town (without telling me).

Now it’s been around 50 days..

Related Posts:

An email. Aren’t the sons supposed to have their own family lives?

Display of respect to those in power, in Indian culture.

‘I am not really sure why is it the duty of a new bride to adjust no matter what you feel?’

“I have met a lot of Indian guys who say their parents have done a lot for them so they can’t leave them now…”

“I will never live in a joint family, it has its roots in patriarchy and benefits only men.”

An email from Pakistan: “There is a feeling among my parents that I don’t want to spend on them.”

Loving husbands who spend day and night to create harmony in Patriarchal Joint Families.

“My husband would tell me to stay with my in laws for some more time and that he didn’t want any discussions.”

An email: I am 18 year old male from a traditional (read:backward) Indian family.

The Men in Our Lives – Priya

From the modern, Indian woman to Shravan Kumar.

‘Last month, my sister’s husband picked a fight with her as he felt she was not doing enough for his parents.’

“I have no other option than to move in with my very orthodox in laws. I need tips to not get hurt.”

‘How can we change the socialization of boys and the definitions of manhood that lead to these current outcomes?’

Of how men’s masculinities are connected to their wives taking their names.

27 ways in which Patriarchy harms men.

So why do some men compare and compete with other men?

What do men need liberation from?

Not touching feet after a year of marriage is disrespect to MIL?

“Practically, what can an introvert DIL do to communicate that she means no disrespect by wanting her own time?”

Relationships – Making Someone Happy – By Priya

An email: ‘He made it clear to them he will not marry me without their support. He will not leave them behind… ever.’

And here’s what seems to complicate it further…

“So I had a fancy wedding and moved to a business family ready to stay with in laws.”

Sharing an email. 

In ‘Astitva’ (a Hindi movie) an Indian woman turned down her would have been father in law’s offer to find her some job in the same family business where the son also worked. What made it possible for her to turn down that offer?

My answer at the bottom of this post. 

Also, what can give any woman the confidence to turn down any such offer that she does not want to accept? What can make anybody trust their own judgement?  

How easy are these choices for most women seeing that getting married, making the marriage work, family and parenthood have traditionally been viewed as almost solely a woman’s concerns? 

What do you think could the email writer have done? What would you recommend now?

Hi,

I came across this blog a couple of days back. It is funny how I arrived on this page searching for “woes of an Indian daughter in law” on a search engine. Funny because I never really thought I would have to look for a solution to such grievance ever in my life. I grew up in a family where we were continuously taught to focus on how to get a good career which shall lead to an independent(financially and otherwise) life. Never really bothered much about learning to cook or do household chores. My mother was an academician and evidently those values were instilled in me and my sister since a very young age. Both us eventually got through good colleges, completed MBA from Tier 1 school and landed up with good jobs.

My sister went for an arranged marriage settled in a different city with completely non interfering in laws. All these years, I had been dating this guy (who did his courses from the same B School) until last year when I decided to get married to him. By then, I had switched 2 fancy corporate jobs, lived independently, managed my own investments and was fairly satisfied with my life.

My husband decided to join his father’s business in our hometown despite having the opportunity to crack MNCs in campus. It was his decision (not sure if influenced by his parents) and I respected it.

When the time came to discuss our marriage, it was understood that one of us had to quit and move. His being a very established business, I was given an option to join family business (after all they were not asking me to be a housewife). Discussions went on for months and finally I gave in. He has been the best thing to happen to me, I could have made that SACRIFICE and I did for the sake of our marriage.

So I had a fancy wedding and moved to a business family ready to stay with in laws. There were so many who warned me against it but I thought nothing could really impact me as long as I’m working and I have my husband by my side.

Days passed, I joined work but realised slowly how my work is not acknowledged or appreciated as much as I expected it to be. My mother in law is a very quiet lady, does not socialize much and is totally obsessed with her children. She sits at home entire day, constantly seeking attention from every family member and reacts vehemently when others do not reciprocate. I tried to manage her mood swings for months giving her company during the evenings, managing her fights with the domestic help. I was uncomfortable but I thought she does no harm to me, so I should be more considerate.

My father in law is a complete extrovert to the extent of being an absolute braggart, sometimes even lying or creating false stories of his fake glory. It was always hard to digest because I grew up in a completely different environment.

Now months have passed and things have not changed, only gotten worse. They have relatives coming in from the village who would stay for months and comment on the way I dress (Oh, the bahu in jeans or a suit minus the dupatta?), would want to evaluate my culinary skills and also question me on the knowledge of customs/rituals. My in laws are extremely traditional, they never really forced me to follow anything but the expectations are very clear. Both of them are in the habit of chewing tobacco, which I absolutely detest. There are many other things that makes my day to day life unbearable but I have no other option.

Although my husband is extremely supportive, I hate to share these problems everyday with him. He is torn between me and his parents. Another house is out of question as long as we stay in the same city (log kya kahenge?) and moving to another city is very difficult for him since he has been managing the business for 4 years now. Corporate options are limited in this city and even if I move to a company here, it leaves me with the same house and same set of people. My husband and I dreamt of a very different life and I truly feel am transported several decades back in time, away for the progressive world.

Regards

Related Posts:

1. A detailed check list of conditions from modern young women of marriageable age.

2. 18 questions for young women (and men) of ‘marriageable age’.

3. What would you not change for love?

4. “I will never live in a joint family, it has its roots in patriarchy and benefits only men.”

5. An email from a Happily Married Indian Daughter in law…

6. Please watch Queen.

7. “Someone ate without showering, someone didn’t bring mithai! These are trivialities, not social problems.”

8. “Although my in laws maintain a facade of being content with what they have and never asking the girl’s side for anything…”

9. An email. Aren’t the sons supposed to have their own family lives?

10. “I had written an email about being a DIL in the joint family, I am happy to share my current state …”

And the answer to the question I asked above: Only one thing – she valued her happiness and freedom more than she wanted to get married.

My mother in law would accompany me to my job interviews saying I would not be able to find the place on my own.

Sharing an email.

Dear IHM,

I stumbled upon your blog while I was too disturbed with the current state of my so called marriage.

I got married two years ago.

My parents had been looking for a match for me for two years but I couldn’t say a yes to anyone because I had seen so many marriages fail around me. I also have a younger sister, so obviously it was expected of me to get married as soon as possible so she could also be married off. We don’t have a male sibling. Also, I belong to a family where I and my sister were given the freedom of choice and were not controlled by our parents.

Now, when I met this guy, I had made up my mind to marry him because he belonged to a well off decent family or so was portrayed to us. His father made tall claims that they were pretty liberal in letting the daughter in law come home as and when she wishes to, and what not. He also made a phone call to me asking if I would be fine in staying with the joint family since they never ever want to stay separate. I was pretty ok since it didn’t seem like a big deal considering his parents understood that I am very well educated, have a career and belong to a nuclear family. During the courtship I had told him about my education loan which I couldn’t repay since my marriage was fixed soon after my education was over. And he was like I am proud of you that you took your responsibility and that we will take of that together. I also told him if he wants to tell his family, which he said he did. I don’t remember if the loan amount was discussed or not. I also told him that I would want to contribute financially after marriage you know because of my independent nature and high self esteem. I am not the kinds who would want to thrive on anyone else’s money, not even my husband’s.

Even though I had doubts about marrying this guy since he was not as smart as I am and which he himself confessed in a very boorish way, saying his friends call him a ch****a, I was really baffled as I couldn’t comprehend what kind of a man was I marrying. Then, things started becoming bad between us as I started losing respect for him for being what he claimed of himself. I am also short tempered. Just few days before the wedding I visited his place where he tried to dominate me and screamed at me in front of his mother. I was really taken aback. I fought with him the next day and abused him. Also, I said I would divorce him soon after marriage. To which he called both the families and I apologised to him. I, in fact wanted to call off the wedding but was too scared to do that at a very advanced stage.  I couldn’t muster the courage and thought I may have misjudged, and things would fall in place.

After marriage things were not bad. I was gelling well with his parents. However, unfortunately my husband got really busy with his work. Also, since I had to shift to a new place, I left my previous job and became a housewife. This was the only way since my employer did not operate out of the city I moved into. So, I was a housewife, learning the ways of their house. During this time since my husband would work till late night I would not sleep until he would, in order to keep him company. And since he cared for me and my health, he would switch off my alarm in the mornings because of which I would wake up late which irked my MIL.

Also, in the kitchen, she would constantly tell me what to do, how to do, how to peel vegetables how to not use an extra plate to save the maid’s effort, how to dry clothes, etc etc. This, along with citing examples of how other daughters in law take care of their household, are ideal and also work. She would constantly send me whatsapp messages trying to manipulate my psyche of an independent working woman to that of a docile Indian bahu. I would cry my eyes out. She would sometimes snatch things of my hand. She would never let me cook my way. She would never allow me cook something different. It always had to be her way. There were many incidents where she commented things like

1. A girl’s house is also seen before marriage (since mine is a humble house)

2. She said you are not my daughter but daughter in law.

3. Once said ‘Zyada udo mat’ in front of her son.

4. She would constantly remind how they want a baby boy and not girl from that I should not even say that it be a baby girl.

5. She would tell me how much dowry she had brought with her.

6. She would say I wanted a working girl because dowry is one time while the girl will earn for a lifetime. [Link: Dulhan hi dahej hai]

7. Once she said I will fulfill all my wishes with your salary.[An email from an Indian MIL]

8. She also mentioned about other families where the daughters in law would give their salary to the parents in law.

I told my husband all of this and he ignored saying she just has this habit of talking nonsense.

During this time, my father was diagnosed with heart blockage and was advised to undergo a by-pass surgery. In which my in laws really helped me. Though they imposed a lot of things but I ignored.

Everything went of well, my parents stayed with us for 8 days and then left. My parents never wanted to stay with my in laws at the first place stating its a sensitive relationship and they didn’t want to spoil it for my future. But my in laws really imposed hard that my parents should stay with us post my father’s surgery. This because, my parents are from a small town and medical facilities are not so great there.

In the meantime I was also looking for a job. It was very difficult since I was at a high package with few years of experience because of my degree. Finding a similar job was being difficult. Also, not to forget that my mother in law would accompany me to my job interviews saying how would I find the place on my own. This to a person who stayed out of her house for 7 long years, who is treated as one of the smartest females, who is an Engineer and MBA by education. Nevertheless my constant efforts paid off and I finally found a job which was at a start up. I was so frustrated sitting at home that I took it up without thinking twice. That’s when the trouble began. I would cry because of the pressure at work and also because of my mother in law’s constant manipulation had started having an impact on me. I could no longer ignore it. I am an overly sensitive and emotional person. Then, one day I got back late around 9:15 PM. My usual time was 7:30 – 8:00. My MIL got over anxious, waited for me at the roadside outside the society compound stating what would people think if I am entering late all alone.

The next day I told my FIL that please explain MIL to not get worried since my job is such that I may get late sometimes. I told him since my husband would encourage me to discuss my MIL issues as he seemed like DIL supporting. To my surprise, he said this is not acceptable, you should leave home sharp at so and so time and be back by so and so time. Your career is secondary, our son’s career is primary. I was too disturbed, I told my husband and he ignored. I and my husband on a Sunday were watching a late night movie show that my mother in law texted saying be back soon otherwise FIL will be angry if you get up late and are not ready on time. I  was so upset that I showed my husband this text. He also got pissed off. The next day morning when he was leaving for office, he probably did not talk to his parents. When I was packing my tiffin, my MIL asked me why was my husband not talking to her. I was pretty irritated with her that I said ask him directly he is your son, why do you ask me. Hearing this she started fighting with me.

I reached office, I told my husband and my mom about this fight they told me to apologise to MIL, which I did on whatsapp. In the afternoon I got a call from my mom saying my MIL had called her and said how ill mannered is your daughter and said many other things. She also went on to complain to my husband’s grandmom who got out marriage fixed. Also, this was not the first time that she had gone on to complain about me. I would constantly get to know that she bitches about me but I would ignore. She would also bitch about me with the maid, neighbor, her friends and her in laws. I never ever told anyone what was going on at my in law’s place. I felt kind of betrayed. Not just this, when we returned from work that day, she made me, my husband and FIL sit and shouted at me. I also got very angry and retorted. She made remarks about my relatives. She also said that when maid doesn’t come I should do the cleaning of the house and do the utensils. I was never used to do this. Also, I have a back problem. I took it to my heart.

Since bad luck was riding on me, after a month and a half it turned out that the company that I was working for was a fraud one and they asked me to leave without paying a single dime. I was very very disturbed by now.

Then, I found another job soon enough which was close to my in law’s house. They made it an everyday routine to drop me to office. Everything was fine again and my mom called up my MIL to congratulate on my job and told her that now she will be tension free since she could repay her education loan. This became an issue since my husband hadn’t told his mother about it which I was not aware of. In the same week the maid hadn’t come so I did the entire house’s dusting, brooming and moping. I developed severe back pain. So much so that I had to visit the spinal injury’s center. MIL accompanied us since my husband is scared of visiting hospitals and cant go there without his mom. There we spent 2000 rupees on fee and medicines. The very same day I helped in the kitchen at night and was crying in pain at night. My husband screamed at his mom for asking me to help her. She must have got upset that she barred me from entering the kitchen next day.

The next day, my husband did not eat anything. I constantly kept asking him to eat and talk to his mom but to no avail. I also did not eat. I was so scared the entire day. MIL came to me and asked me to eat and feed DH. I obliged. It was a weekend. In order to have the husband in a better mood I asked to go out so he be normal. While he was taking out the car, FIL called on me very rudely. He started asking me questions about my salary and why had I not given it to him. Why had I not asked him on investment declarations. Also, he said I shouldn’t repay my loan and in his words – “apne baap ko bol fund me se nikal kar tera loan pay kare, aukat kya hai tere ma baap ki, car aur furniture bhi nahi hai tum logon ke paas” (As I said I belong to a humble background. Not like we can’t afford it but my parents chose not to since they invested heavily on my and my sister’s education) He said you lie to us we have proof of you lying. I asked him what lie are you talking about. He said I will tell you later. I said are you spying on me, he said I will. I said since you are older than me doesn’t mean you would insult me like this. This said and he went on and on screaming at me, insulting my parents, hurling abuses at me. In front of my husband. He tried to say things for me, but they were falling on deaf ears. He was siding me but to no avail. I was so dumbstruck that I could not utter a single word. I was so terrified and humiliated that I caught fever. My husband at night said I should apologise to his parents in the morning which I did!

Now, the real problem, my FIL doesn’t work. They had said they have a factory, but it doesn’t run. His mother is a homemaker and his younger brother is also not doing very well financially. Its my husband who is running the entire house. Before marriage we were not told about this. Also, their house is mortgaged. My husband pays the EMI for their house. With my job, they wanted me to give them the entire salary. My husband put his foot down and said he had promised me before marriage on letting me repay my loan. To take this stand he renounced food for a month. He did not talk to them during this period. I also suffered because I did have lunches and dinners at home. I would make some instant food for myself. Husband would say he’d eaten at office. My health deteriorated. During this entire episode, my mother got stroke because of all the issues that I was facing. I went to be with her for a week. I felt extremely guilty for her condition. Also,that place had become a living hell for me because of the hostile environment, the abusive nature of his father, his mother’s non-realistic expectations and my own work related issues. During this time my FIL asked me to give them half my salary and from the remaining half take care of my expenses and my loan amount. I told my husband and we had a major fight on this issue. He was still not eating at home. Then one fine day when I was at work and my husband and his mom at home, she convinced him to eat and talk saying we will do whatever you say. MY DH assured me everything is normal and the issue is taken care of. The next day was a weekend again. He gave his mom some money with extra 10000 saying this is hers. His mom threw it on his face and said we want it from her. I was not aware of this. A major fight happened. His father was not home and from wherever he was he called up my father scolding him. He also called my mother who was recovering from a STROKE! How heartless is that. My sister did not let her take the call though. He also called my grandmom screaming and shouting and what not! They wanted me to show them my salary slips and bank statements, give them half my salary. And this was the day when my husband said, “Do whatever my parents say!” What about all the promises he made!? What about his stand on my issue!?

I was so terrified that I left that house and I am living separately from him now. He helped me move out. He comes to meet me over the weekends. We fight a lot. I asked him to move out and stay with me. It’s been a year. He left me waiting, said he is looking for an accommodation but changed his mind altogether few days back. Now the state is such that everyone is asking me to come back but I am terrified. I have doubts on my husband’s decision making capabilities. His maternal uncle called us at his place and made me understand how normal it was in all the households whatever happened with me. I am just too shattered and can’t even think of moving back in with his family. I am in a fix! What should I do. I even contemplated a divorce. Would that be a good move? I have lost love and respect for my husband as he is easily manipulated by his parents and relatives. He is also of the belief now I should surrender and that what’s the harm in showing my financials to his parents. Where’s the trust factor? What kind of a man is he?

“He became more distant and sometime would verbally abuse me, call me names and then slapping and wrist twisting started happening.”

Can violence begin and exist without disrespect and disregard for the person being abused?  Is happiness in a relationship possible where there is disrespect and lack of regard? 

Sharing an email, what do you think should the email writer do? 

Hi,

I came across your blog on the internet and was highly moved by the stories and the work you are doing. I want to say thank you from all the women out there who are in such terrible situations and who are seeking out help from people like you. I am going to tell my story here and want you to post this on your blog anonymously.

I have been married to my boyfriend for a little more than an year now. We had a long courtship before marriage. There were ups and downs but we had a good dependable relationship overall. So we got married. It has all been downhill since then. After 3 months into marriage I found out that he liked some girl in his office and they used to chat and call each other. She reciprocated his feelings. I was taken aback as I had heard about such things but never thought it would happen to me. I confronted him over it, but he said she was just a friend and he hadn’t crossed any line with her. But he did admit he had some kind of attraction towards her. After sometime his behavior started changing towards me. He became more distant and sometime would verbally abuse me, call me names and then slapping and wrist twisting started happening. I got sick 5-6 months into marriage and used to perpetually tired. My in-laws used to visit us and due to sickness I could not do “seva” to them. We visited 2-3 doctors but they could not diagnose my disease, they said it could be some general fatigue due to working too much at office and at home.

But our relationship kept deteriorating. My husband fought with me more frequently and would slap me in anger. I felt horrible and then he was joined by my in laws saying I was not doing bahu duty and I was a bad person. And my sickness was a drama just to get out of work. So when they used to visit us( for one month or longer). All three of them would say horrible things to me. I was devastated. I hated going home from office and my health kept deteriorating.

Finally my husband was transferred to south India and I thought may be we would get some respite as he would be away from the girl and in laws visits would become less frequent which would give us more time to understand each other. So it was decided that my husband would goto south and I would follow him when I get relieved from office(15 days later). One day before he left, we again fought for some reason and he caught me by the neck and I fell down. So I called his mother and told her about how he gets physical with me during fights and asked her for help to make him understand not to hit me. After sometime I confronted him that he has to promise never to hit me again or I would leave. His response was that he tries to control but has no control over his anger and can’t promise he would never do it again. And the next day he shifted to the south. In the meanwhile my health kept deteriorating. My mother came to visit me saw my condition and said lets see a doctor. And by chance my disease was diagnosed and doctor suggested full bed rest for 2 months and some antibiotics, it was some rare kind of infection. So I informed my husband about it and his response was just “ok”. Do you need my help? I responded with not yet as we were at a relative’s place and didn’t want to burden them further. So I informed my husband that I am going to hometown as doctor suggested bed rest and my mother is going to take care of me. His response was “OK”.

I had told my mother about the verbal abuse and slapping and wrist twisting incidents. So everybody suggested since I was so unhappy. I should wait for my husband to miss me and let him call me. He has not called me since, to even ask about my health. And I have not contacted him either. I do not want to go back to him if he continues getting physical with me during fights. I suggested marriage  counseling or anger management. But he says nobody can solve our problems better than us and does not agree to counselling. I am currently living at my parent’s house. It has been a month. What do you think I should do? I don’t understand whether this marriage is worth saving or there is no hope.

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Why do women stand by erring husbands?

An email: ‘My subconscious mind keeps reminding me of the initial nastiness, and fears that he is capable of that kind of behaviour.’

“A message is required to be sent, loud and clear that wife bashing has no place in a civilised society and violent husbands deserve no mercy,”

More than half of young Indians believe it’s okay for a husband to beat his wife.

“I remember the first time I got slapped was when I bought some pasta home for $2.00 when the similar thing could be bought for 40cents.”

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Feminism has gone to women’s head. Divorce has become like selling onions.

If you had to to say something to inspire a victim of domestic violence to walk out, what would you say?

‘She believes that her husband has got into job troubles since marrying her (he tells her this) and that she has been unlucky for their entire family.’

Sixty. And nowhere to go.

Changing Someone (or oneself) – Priya

Is your relationship healthy?

An email: “He got very aggressive and even started pulling the loosened muscles of my abdomen (post preg) very hard”

15 lines from ‘Dil Dhadakne Do’.

Let me just share some dialogues (roughly translated/in my own words) from Dil dharakne do and you decide what you think of the movie.

1. ‘Does he beat you? Is he a miser? Does he stop you from shopping? No?! Then what do you mean you want divorce?’ [Rahul Bose is the ‘he’ here, and the entitled look on his face, when this is being said, makes the movie a must-watch]

2. ‘There has never been a divorce in this family and there never will be.’

3. ‘What have we done to you that you are punishing us like this? Do you want me to fall at your feet? Let me cut my wrists with this knife…’ (picks a butter knife)

4. ‘How times have changed he heh… when we were young we women could never speak like this in front of our elders he he he…’ [The effect is the exact opposite of Saas Bahu serials]

5. ‘What you write about is so depressing, why do you exaggerate so much? Can’t you find something positive to write about? Like, look at us, in the previous generations women did not work, but I have allowed my wife to work!’

(The response is amongst the things that make the movie worth watching.)

6. ‘You are offended because I insulted your husband? But he was insulting you… doesn’t that count?’

7. ‘She is married, now she is a **** (husband’s surname). Now his home is her home, his family is her family.’

8. ‘I am on top of the world, god has been kind. There is only one thing I want now – dear daughter please give us a grandchild.’

9. ‘What do you mean you are not sure you want to marry her? The business (that’s floundering and can be salvaged with this marriage) is not just our business, you are our only son, it’s your business too.’

10. ‘Who is that girl with him?’

11. ‘You want a divorce? What will our friends say?’

12. ‘Every marriage has problems. The easier way out is divorce. That’s not the right path. The difficult path is the right path.’

13. ‘There is no place for you in this house if you divorce him.’

14. ‘There is no place for you in this house if you don’t marry her.’

15. ‘I don’t want to hear about this.’ (But don’t you dare do what you were about to suggest you might)

And here are some points the movie made:

1. Financial independence and success does not automatically give women the confidence (or mindset) to expect to be treated as an equal, to object to misogyny, or to walk out of unhappy relationships.

Why PepsiCo CEO Indra K. Nooyi Can’t Have It All

2. Parents don’t always know, and/or even want the best for their children.

3. No divorce does not mean happy marriages.

4. Many women stay married because they have nowhere else to go. Women also stay married because they are pressurised to stay married.

5. ‘Get Married Stay Married and bear male children’ is viewed as the main goal for every Indian woman.

6. Daughters are viewed as Liabilities, or Paraya Dhan.

7. Sons are viewed as precious – but only because they are Assets, to be controlled for parents’ benefits (dowry, obedient and/or rich daughter in law, family business etc).

8. Creating a good impression on ‘everybody’ is more important for many Indians, than happiness of loved ones.

9. A son spending a night with a young woman is not the same as a daughter spending a night with a young man. One set of parents smiles proudly.

10. I am sure this movie succeeded in making atleast some conservative viewers look at Successful Divorces as a Happy Endings. (Queen managed to do the same thing with broken engagements)

Related Posts:

Eleven questions the family elders ask women in unhappy marriages.

Are Happily Married Daughters a status symbol in India?

Please watch Dum Laga Ke Haisha – where a man is asked to Please adjust and save his marriage.

Please watch ‘Tanu Weds Manu Returns’ 🙂

Piku in Patriarchy.

Shuddh Desi Romance : When Getting Married and Staying Married is not an Indian woman’s life purpose.

‘Both families arrived at a compromise and she decided to continue to live with her gay husband.’

An email: “He told my MIL that he doesn’t like me. I knew he was depressed so I tried to console him.”

Recognizing Emotional Abuse – Priya

Why do men NOT have to choose between being a CEO and a father, but women have to make this choice.

Pretty brides who respect elders and identify themselves with their husband’s families.

Catch all the dialogue promos of Dil Dhadakne Do here

Piku in Patriarchy.

Another unexpected surprise. I guess with more and more Indian women watching movies, we are going to see more movies that acknowledge women as people. First Laila in ‘Margarita with a Straw’, and now Piku.

What else do Piku and Laila have in common?

1. Their families respect them and care for them.

2. They care for their parents, but they are not obedient and they do not fit into the traditional ideas of good Indian women.

3. They are sexually active, but are in no hurry to get married.

4. They are relatable.

They are involved in running their homes – Piku is shown cleaning cobwebs, loading her washing machine, counting clothes to be given to the dhobi and understanding their part time domestic helper’s need to take a few days off.

Piku gets impatient with and yells at someone she loves a lot, tolerates some amount of unfair dependence from her seventy year old father, but doesn’t prove her good-Indian-daughter love by sacrificing her social life.

She is caring and responsible without fitting into the stereotype of a good Indian daughter – this would still be considered unimaginable in traditional patriarchal families.

She complains about her father’s interference in her personal life, she appreciates sympathy from her maternal aunt and Rana Chowdhury, she talks about getting married but doesn’t believe that Getting Married and Staying Married is her goal in life.

Piku breaks some other stereotypes too.

I loved the scene where Chobbi Maasi is playing badminton with a younger man(Chowdhry?), who flirts with her, and instead of being flattered or overwhelmed (like the Bua in DDLJ and many other Indian movies) she casually (and confidently) says she was considering marrying a fourth time.

This maasi also wonders if Piku is stressed because she needs a sex life. Two women in an Indian movie talk, casually, about sex, but not about men or marriage – the movie passes Bechdel’s Test. (Laila and Piku have this in common)

My favourite scene [No spoilers] was when Chaudhury asks Piku if she would be able to manage it all on her own, and she says she would.

What if Piku was a son and was living with her mother? If the mother encouraged her… him to be sexually active but to be in no hurry to get married? And if the mother was demanding of his time and wanted to interfere in who he dates or sleeps with? I guess that is how it is for many Indian sons. Indian sons are also offered a solution – to bring home a daughter in law to take care of the mother.

In one scene Piku’s dad demands that Chowdhury picks and throws away a knife. Piku requests Chowdhury to indulge her father. How many Indian fathers of daughters can expect this from their thirty year old daughters? Most of them would be too worried about marrying the daughter off. I hope some Indian dads watching this movies see the possibilities…

Someone who didn’t like the movie said Piku’s father didn’t want her to have a life of her own because he depended on her, this is what, we know, Indian male children experience all the time. I guess what Piku’s father (and other parents who view their girl children as their care givers) would eventually want is freedom and rights for their children, to have a life that doesn’t require them to give up caring for their parents.

That, and that alone will change the way Indian parents view their girl children.

This would mean more and more parents encouraging their daughters not to get bullied into marriages and relationships that leave them dependent or unhappy, and cut off from their birth families.

This is how it would be in a society that is not Patriarchal, where all children and all parents  (whether parents of sons or parents of daughters) are valued and cherished.

I also felt Bhaskor Banerjee came from a  generation of spoiled and entitled sons and husbands who were raised to be ‘looked after’ by their mothers and wives and that was what made a seventy year old behave like a hypochondriac (though loveable, liberal, feminist and spirited) ninety year old. I know plenty of seventy year olds working and living independently, and cherishing their independence.

[SPOILER ALERT]

I was disappointed that women were not shown participating in the funeral.

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CONTEST: Apply this test to Bollywood movies.

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Kai Po Che : Through feminist eyes…

Three thoughts on Bhag Milkha Bhag.

Dev D: Practical Paro Artless Chandramukhi

Bechdel Test: Apply this test to Bollywood movies.

‘Piku’: A review of reviews and some of my own thoughts.

‘Both families arrived at a compromise and she decided to continue to live with her gay husband.’

Indian parents’ need to win (by any means) the approval of the ‘people’ in their social circle – relatives, friends, neighbours and acquaintances is a social evil at the root of many other social evils.

It leads to dishonesty, hypocrisy, abuse, control and social crimes, including – 

Semi forced arranged marriages (mainly because of the concept of a ‘marriageable age’ for women and the expectation from women to provide male heirs);

Getting a daughter ‘married-off’ to someone the peer group approves of (or is envious of), leading to willingness to give dowry and raising the daughter to be a future daughter in law, and male child preference;

Viewing of Happily Married Daughters as status symbols, leading to forcing them to Get Married Stay Married or die trying.  

Perhaps the worst of all is the parents’ refusal to support their children, often, when they need them the most. 

Sharing an email by Karishma V.P. 

Hi IHM,

You must have already read the news of the suicide of the AIIMS doctor because her husband was gay. What I did not know, until I read this article (link below) was that his homosexuality was discovered two years ago. She informed her family and both families arrived at a compromise where she decided to accept the fact and continue to live with him. Now after her suicide her parents are filing a case against him.

The fact that a young, educated, financially independent professional woman would choose to continue living with a man who is gay, that her family would encourage or support her decision instead of guiding her to end the marriage right away, shows a great deal about Indian society and its attitudes towards women and marriage even now. The fact that his family was not ready to accept him and he didn’t have the guts to come out of the closet is one thing. The fact that she didn’t value herself more and her family didn’t have the common sense to get her to walk out when she did not is another. Knowing that her family knew this more than 2 years ago makes me feel that they should also be booked for her suicide if the husband is being booked.

To what extent will we go to keep up appearances of marriage in Indian society?

http://hindustantimes.com/newdelhi/aiims-doctor-kills-self-over-torture-by-gay-husband-reveals-ordeal-on-facebook/article1-1338996.aspx

Thanks and regards,

Karishma V.P.

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“10 years ago, the girl would have been counselled on how to change her dress sense for the boy, how to do as he says.”

When a daughter refuses to go back…

हमारी बेटी संस्कारवान है और मंत्री बनने के बावजूद पति के पांव की जूती ही है।

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Please watch Queen, what kind of future was Rani being offered? 

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Section 377:

And what would have happened if this man had declared that he was gay and hence would not marry a woman?

How would you react if you knew your son (or daughter) felt this way?

“Homosexuality is criminal offence, Supreme Court rules.”

“If I was born somewhere else, sometime later, in a more liberal family, in a more equal world…”

An email: “He told my MIL that he doesn’t like me. I knew he was depressed so I tried to console him.”

Please note the difference between the support/response that a married Indian son and a married Indian daughter get from their families.

One set of parents wants their child to Stay Married no matter what (they expect nothing more), while the other expects to control their child’s life, and marriage (and possibly finances).

Traditional patriarchal norms justify, romanticise and facilitate abuse,  and make it difficult for abuse victims to notice that they are being abused. 

Not surprisingly, Indian women seem to believe they need to Stay Married much more than Indian men do. And more men seem to feel they need to control their wives, no matter how unhappy it makes them, and their relationship as a couple.

Sharing an email. 

Dear IHM,

I’m desperately in need of guidance with the issues I have in my marriage and this is my story:

I got married almost a year ago and my husband works in USA. So after my marriage I spent only a week with my MIL but a week was more than enough for her to create problems. There were issues with dowry, my attitude, customs which my parents didn’t follow, etc etc. Me and my husband didn’t even go on our honeymoon because my MIL wanted us to spend time with her. There were too many issues already and not wanting to create new problems I asked my husband to cancel our honeymoon plan. In that one week, she called my parents daily complaining that I didn’t explain to her about the weight of each piece of jewellery which my parents gave me. Also, she expected me to leave my jewellery in their house [From an Anonymous DIL, Wife and Daughter.] and tried to communicate it to me in a political way (which I didn’t understand as politics is never my area of expertise ).

She instructed my parents that whenever we leave to USA/come back to India we have to go/come from their house (Airport is a 30 minute drive from my parents’ house and my In Laws’ place is a three hour drive) and I can be at my parents’ house only for a few days.  A lot more added up and there was too much tension when we finally left for USA. My MIL lies a lot and it’s so frequent that 1 out of 10 of her statements would be a lie. Anyone can easily find out that she is lying but my husband justified that that’s how his mother is and she won’t change. He helped a lot by supporting me emotionally so I was happy that he atleast understood the problem.

After we came to USA, we started our own life and things were good at the beginning. We had our arguments and fights but we worked on it and were happy. We talk to our MIL in Skype once a week. Initially my husband was a little angry with her saying that she created so many problems for unnecessary reasons. She tackled him by saying that she is facing medical issues and that she has gone through so much trouble to raise him. Eventually my husband started talking to her. She used to find fault with whatever I do, the food I prepared, the dress I wore, the way I spoke. Nothing was good enough for her son. After three months into my marriage, my husband went through a minor surgery in his leg. On the first day after his surgery, we skyped to my MIL and the first statement which she said looking at me was that I should comb my hair, dress well, wash my face and be fresh all the time. For God’s sake, it was11 pm and I had admitted my husband in the hospital that morning and there was so much work that had to be done before I brought him home. Also, this is not a TV serial to wear all jewels and make up even when I sleep. My husband’s immediate response was to tell me that his mom is right. My MIL wouldn’t have known how much work I did from the morning but I expected my husband to know better. I took care of him very well but the following days became a nightmare.

He became very demanding asking me to follow whatever he commands and I felt like I was walking on egg shells. I thought that going through the surgery was stressful for him and I did whatever he asked me to do. My MIL was talking to my husband daily since he was at home. On the first day when he spoke to my MIL he told her that she had found him a really good wife but just two days later he told my MIL that he doesn’t like me. I knew he was depressed so I tried to console him but my MIL used this as an opportunity and started slandering me. I was sitting next to my husband in front our laptop and she started shouting at me saying that I didn’t know how great she was and used this time to tell me how my parents didn’t give dowry as her son so much worthy, how I didn’t give my jewels to her and told my husband that she will make sure I behave appropriately. My husband demanded me to apologize to her and I did that too but I’m not sure why I apologized. My MIL used to give ideas to my husband about what food to eat and I had to follow the schedule.Once I didn’t have enough ingredients to cook a particular food which my MIL suggested and so I was asked by my husband to walk to the store in October’s cold night. That was the final straw and I couldn’t take more than that. I called my parents and cried explaining the situation. They couldn’t help me much other than consoling me. All these drama continued for few weeks.

My husband resumed his work and situation became little better. My MIL gave lots of ideas to my husband saying that she wakes up early in the morning and does so much work at home. This led to my husband insisting I do the same. Every evening my husband comes from office and starts questioning me on what I did the whole day and even if he finds a small mistake he would start scolding me saying I’m idle at home. He expects me to be a perfectionist so I cook perfect meals, clean and wash but he never stops complaining. My MIL insists on coming to USA saying that she wants to stay with us for awhile and would teach me how to take care of the family. So whenever my husband finds a fault with me, he would say that if MIL is with us she would teach me everything. I feel alone and depressed. I keep myself busy by involving in painting and volunteering in a few organisations but my husband always commented that there is no point in all that because I failed to impress my MIL and him.

Now I’m facing new problems. Even if we have a little argument my husband goes on without talking for weeks. Whenever I tried to convince him he asked me to promise that I would be 100% obedient to him. It felt weird when he asked me of such a thing. My mom is also a working woman so she had a totally different attitude towards life. She insisted I be independent and had always told me that I should think and decide on my own. My husband’s concept of 100% obedience makes me feel oppressed. To solve the immediate crisis, I said yes to him but not even in my dreams I expected him to implement it. He gives me orders for even washing clothes, cleaning the house etc etc . He told me straightaway that he doesn’t want me to give any suggestions for him and wants whatever he expects to be done. He finds fault even in the smallest of chores I do and I’m not supposed to voice my opinion about anything. I tried my best to do whatever he says and I clean everything I could get my hands on. But he never stopped complaining and says that I’m not an ideal wife. He often says that he doesn’t like me anymore. He eats the food I prepare, uses the dresses I wash but he doesn’t talk to me. I find this is a recurring pattern nowadays. He doesn’t talk for weeks together and not talking to one another is very common in their family. My MIL doesn’t talk to any of her sisters, brothers and she doesn’t talk to her IL’s family also. Also, she dominates my FIL totally and he is treated like trash.She gives ideas to my SIL also and their family is facing similar issues. I tried talking to my husband saying that we can solve our differences only by communicating it to each other but he says that there is nothing to talk about and his expectation is for me to do whatever he commands.

I don’t know how to handle all the lies my MIL says and my husband’s reaction to it. Please share your views and suggest how do I handle this situation.

Related Post:

Recognizing Emotional Abuse

The Men in Our Lives

The interference of parents in the married life of their daughters…

Please watch Queen. Feels like our country is finally changing.

From an Anonymous DIL, Wife and Daughter.

To an Anonymous DIL

An email: My principal fear is my wife is not going to be able to love my parents as much as I do.

“I thought the situation will improve but now my husband started behaving like a remote-controlled device of his mother.”

Is it possible to make a man see his wife as a partner, if he has been socially conditioned to see her as someone who is supposed to obey and serve him?

An email from a Newly Wed Wife. “Now they don’t like me.”

An email: “just for a few days of fights and torture in a month, how can I leave this life?”

“A Hindu woman derives immense pleasure in sacrifice for her husband. The white man will never ever understand this.”

Please watch Dum Laga Ke Haisha – where a man is asked to Please adjust and save his marriage.

Simple methods, recommended to anybody else, coping with any other kind of abuse, are forbidden to Indian daughters in law. Forbidden by whom?

“I am trying to make a list of soooooooo many advantages a girl can have if she is born in a Western family as compared to being born in india.”

‘Daughters growing older, their egos becoming bigger, their attitudes and behavior becoming more boorish..’

“I am glad that my parents never thought of raising us as ‘future daughters-in-law’.”

Are Happily Married Daughters a status symbol in India?

“He has decided that we will stop trying to have a child now as he wants things to improve between his mother and I.”

I could not sing after my marriage and I am really sad about it, but women have to ‘adjust’ to see their family happy…

An email: “But my parents, fearing the society and their reputation begged him to take me back.”

“…it’s better if he is NOT a family guy. Extra points to the one who hates kids.”

n shared this link.

When her parents asked her to marry, this Bengaluru girl put up her own matrimonial ad 

When 23-year-old Indhuja Pillai’s parents put her profile on a popular matrimonial site, her initial reaction was that of anger and annoyance. She says she is not ‘marriage-material’, but what equally irked her was the way her parents chose to describe her on the site. “It was so unlike me”, says Indhuja, a Bengaluru-based professional.

 

The posting of the matrimonial ad for an adult child by the parents, the description that doesn’t match, the irritation felt by the adult child – many would view this as a normal part of Indian arranged marriages.

But this young woman responded with ‘a sarcastic statement’, she created a website – marry.indhuja.com.

She described herself as an atheist tomboy ‘married to self’, who earns ‘Salary – Overabundant for self. Saving a little to travel.’

An Indian woman of ‘marriageable age’ saving for travel and not for marriage is still not common.

So what kind of man would she consider spending her life with?

‘A man, preferably bearded, who is passionate about seeing the world. Someone who earns for himself and does NOT hate his job. Must be flexible with his parents, also means, it’s better if he is NOT a family guy. Extra points to the one who hates kids. Points for a great voice and an impressive personality. Should be able to hold a conversation for atleast 30 minutes’.

 

Doesn’t want a Provider and Protector. Knows what is important to her. Has interests and passions. The final and only goal in her life is not to Get Married Stay Married. Doesn’t want children. Plans for more than ghar sansaar. Even if the post is meant to be a sarcastic statement – it’s a positive.

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But if there is so much of hesitation in spending time to know a person… aren’t the marriage hopefuls playing with fire?

Only when raising ideal daughters in law is not their goal, would Indian parents be able enjoy having and bringing up girl children.

“A 28 year old, independent woman who dreams big does not really fit the definition of an ideal Indian DIL.”

An email: I want my parents to know the real me, why do I have to lie?

Response from the email writer accused of betraying her “parents, country and culture by not having an arranged marriage”

“I am glad that my parents never thought of raising us as ‘future daughters-in-law’.”

An email: “I said I would look for second marriage with following conditions.”

An email: Salary of the prospective groom must be 3-6 times more than the salary of the prospective bride.

“I want to take my own time, get a job, then think whether or not to get married. But, I can’t tell my parents all this.”

‘We grew up in a very liberal family. We knew what our limits were and our focus was our education. We never betrayed our parents.’

Are these advises and suggestions possible for an Average Indian Woman to even consider? Will she be able to think that way… educate me

Shadi ke baad ladki ki PRIORITY sasuraal ki taraf ho jaati hai?