Reply from the Indian mother in law.

Sharing the response from V, the mother in law who wrote, ‘An email from a Mother in law’

Reply from ‘V’

Dear Bloggers,

Thanks a lot for your honest remarks, comments, opinions and valuable suggestions given to me on respond to my blog on family situation. I discussed all these suggestions with my hubby and decided to take it positively. Last Sunday we all four (Incl DIL) sat together and had unanimously resolved all the issues in friendly and fruitful atmosphere. I am immensely happy that my DIL and son took lead role in the discussion. She (DIL) herself changed her decision on ‘separate’ home but given an idea of investing money for 2nd home near Lonavala or Khandala so we both family (her also) can enjoy weekends or vacation together. My son also opined that we should invest some amount in Recurring Deposits which can be utilized for both families’ emergency need. They also suggested that my hubby’s all retirement money (PF/Gratuity) need to be invested wisely to get regular income to meet our own expenses and to get big chunks of money. They also decided to look after all monthly home expenses, finance planning with the help of my hubby after his retirement. We are very proud of our daughter (DIL) and son.Thank you bloggers once again for changing our mindset and kudos to IHM for creating such wonderful platform.

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An email from a Mother in law.

Sharing an email. 

Hi,

I am V. I need your honest opinion on the following about my family:
A month ago my only son got married (arranged one) to a working girl. Till today he is transferring his salary to his father’s (my hubby) bank account excluding his monthly expenses. Whenever any need arises for money he use to communicate to his father nicely and there was no misunderstanding between them. All his shopping bills, credit card bill are paid by his father only. For better future my hubby has invested considerable amount in various investment schemes on our son’s name and its entire yearly premium being paid by his father. My son trusts his parents. We are very happy family and consider my son’s wife as our own daughter and we have told on her arrival at our home. We believe that she also considers us as her parents. Two days back my DIL received her first salary (INR 30K) after the marriage. She informed my son that we should open joint bank account so I can transfer the salary. She also set a condition that 15% of the amount of her salary will be invested in Recurring Deposit on her own parents name and 50% of the amount will be utilized by self also no amount will be given to IL unless they plan to purchase another separate house for them. Actually we own big 2BHK flat in prime location of the Mumbai city with all amenities and that too very near to her office. Also they are getting full privacy and already been given separate bedroom with attached toilet, TV, AC etc. etc. Now main thing is that my hubby is retiring after few months. He was getting huge salary and we were enjoying our life plentifully. There is no question of pension as he is working in private firm. My son is against the decision of his wife as mentioned above. We also feel hurt and disappointed on her decision. We will be facing big financial crisis post my hubby’s retirement. Kindly let me know how we can resolve the issue amicably without hurting our DIL and only son.

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An email: The wedding cards are distributed and the family izzat is involved…

Sharing an email…

Hello IHM

Maybe you don’t know me but I count you as a friend since I think of the IHM and the readers of this blog as family.
Today I write to u as I am in desperate need of some advice, …my gut feeling has been veering towards you. The thing is I am stuck in a rut… please please hear me out, and give me your valuable suggestions, because I write to you with a lot of hope…
I was in a relationship for more than two years, my parents just did not approve of him but he is everything that I dream of in a guy, and much beyond that too. He is the sole earning member in the family of 6 and is going through financial issues. Even though it does not affect me it was a problem for my parents. It was a very rough phase, in the meanwhile a rishta was proposed through some common relatives. It made my family very happy and I said yes, the rokka was fixed and the guy came down to India to spend time with me.
It was all ok, and I thought with time we will fall in love, even when he was here we were short of things to talk about and did have a few unpleasant incidents… something seems missing… we have had uncomfortable silences between us and lack of communication… I have tried speaking to him, but unable to explain that the magic is missing, and how I want us to talk and work on the relationship.
Now the wedding is around the corner (next month), and I seem to develop cold feet, I am absolutely blank… I don’t seem to be in the right frame of mind to commit to somebody for life, as i feel i will not be able to do justice to both of us…
I don’t know what to do… whether to follow my heart say no to the wedding and go after love or get married to somebody with a secure future… the wedding cards are distributed and the family izzat involved… please suggest something as soon as possible, I don’t know why but I wanted to speak to u… hope you understand.
Lots of love,
Second email:
…. yes I am a career woman… it is all my mistake, I thought I would develop feelings for him. but it does not happen mechanically. I need to talk to my parents strongly. Even though I have been talking to them, they think prayers would work. My voice is not being heard and that is what I don’t like.

The boy is question is a nice person, the respect is there from both sides but unfortunately we both are individuals in our own rights but don’t seem to fit nicely together. as in this is not how I want my marriage to be – lonely.
My parents are educated liberal people but are acting strange 😦
IHM do you think parents should fight with the world if their daughter says her heart was not in this marriage?

Are these the eight reasons you would give in support of Arranged Marriages?

Link and email shared by Swarup Biswas.

Hi IHM,
The reason I’m writing you is that all my life I’ve noticed what epic failures (among other things) most arranged marriages are but how little the mainstream media does to discourage this generally bigoted practice.

I just read this picture article at iDiva which is referenced by TOI’s main page and cannot believe what they were thinking when they painted such a utopian image of arranged marriages.

Judging by their articles and choice of topics I believe most iDiva readers are impressionable young women who might be misguided by this miscarriage of journalistic ethics with disastrous consequences. It contains statements such as ‘In most arranged marriages, the in-laws become a support system for the new bride and help her get accustomed with her new life’ amongst many other such unsubstantiated claims. Personally I detest the propagation of this outdated and archaic system that treats women like some commodity. I just thought I’d bring it to your notice.

Link: http://idiva.com/photogallery-relationships/8-reasons-to-have-an-arranged-marriage/12492/1

The eight reasons that the article above gives for having an arranged marriage are,

1. …And in a negotiated marriage, family support is a given.

2. If the marriage demands the girl to stay with her in-laws, it is more likely that they will make her feel comfortable as they have already ‘approved’ of her.

3. The process … involves understanding each other’s cultural interests apart from individual views and opinions about life in general.

4. Financial Security: Unlike a love marriage where financial security of the groom is not always a priority, in an arranged marriage, it is imperative that the bride’s family ensure that their would-be son-in-law is career-oriented and has a steady flow of income.

5. Mystery element: Each day is a surprise wherein the couple learn about the nitty gritty of the relationship and also take an effort to nurture it.

6. Dating opportunity: Once the alliance is arranged, the boy and girl are officially allowed to meet and know more about each other.

7. Spoilt for choice:  Ever heard of Swayamvar, an ancient Indian practice of choosing a husband from among a list of suitors?

8. In-laws syndrome: Since both the parties are way too involved in finding the right match and also the actual activity of marriage, it takes the load off the bride-to-be and gives her time to get comfortable in her new surroundings.

Edited to add: Kiran Manral shared this link on twitter, a ninth reason given, very commonly, to have an arranged marriage.
Divorce rate high in love marriages: HC

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