Can you ask on your blog if anyone knows a good divorce lawyer in Hyderabad? Counselors also, but mainly a good divorce lawyer.
Can you ask on your blog if anyone knows a good divorce lawyer in Hyderabad? Counselors also, but mainly a good divorce lawyer.
Sharing an email, please help with advice and information.
After almost eleven years of a passive abusive relationship, I have finally decided to go ahead and seek judicial separation, however I am concerned about my 7 years old daughter’s future considering I have nobody on my side of the family. I have no siblings and my mother is 70.
I am highly qualified but not working due to mental health issues (depression) and some medical issues.
My husband is apparently in a relationship with someone but he has never admitted and I have no evidence to prove it. How can evidence be collected for adultery?
What all conditions must be put in a mutual settlement agreement for the safety of my little girls’ future? Her father owns no immovable property, only monetary savings etc.
He is in a private sector job which he is about to quit (seems to avoid paying alimony/maintenance.)
What should I do?
Sharing an update from Not a good wife.
I have been wanting to write to you for a long time. Every time I started writing, I stopped myself thinking I will contact you only when I am ready to share the news with you that am completely out of the difficult phase I was in 3-4 years back.
I don’t know if you remember me but I had written to you in 2012,
An email: He says what am I expecting out of this marriage if I cant even make him happy.
Writing to you was one of the most sensible thing that I had done then. It gave me such a large access to different thoughts, perceptions and advice of so many people. A majority of them even helped me understand that I was actually not weird in feeling certain things. When I wrote to you that time, I was in a terrible haze, it was as though a fog had enveloped my brain and was simply refusing to fade away. I was too engrossed in dealing with everyday issues that I had forgotten who I was, who I wanted to be. I had grown so different from what I had imagined myself to be and I was hating myself for not having the courage to stand up for what I believed in.
And then I wrote to you.
Reading all the people’s comments jerked me up like anything. Really. It was like a bang! And the mind fog moved slightly to let small whips of fresh air to come in.
In the days after that, I was determined to be assertive. I stood my ground on 2-3 occasions. I also made a major decision, call it the most risky thing ever, but i left my job and tried to give my marriage another chance. I was more clear-headed though I knew what I wanted.. and I realised it was not working out.
I am glad I realised that I cannot really pinpoint to one reason, could be the age gap, could be control issues, could be different wants, could be sexual issues, could be ego, could be stubbornness, could be anything for all I cared. I realised in the end it really didn’t matter to me, all I knew was that I wasn’t me… and if I continue like that I am the loser.
I took necessary steps and am now on the brink of getting a divorce. I wouldn’t say life was smooth soon after that. There have been occasions where I thought I was wrong, where I have questioned myself what I was doing… however, the bouts of indecisiveness was always removed by the various incidents that followed suit.
I would say it took almost a year and half for the fog to be lifted from my mind. There is no better word for the ‘haziness’ I used to feel. I was like a zombie. If I think of it now some of the things I used to do makes me feel ashamed of myself. I used to actually keep a notepad and write down the tasks he used to mention casually, lest I forget it… coz if I forgot, it always ended in tantrums, concluding I didn’t love him enough because I forget his needs and wants. Once he complained that there are many mosquitoes in the night, and he called me the next day while I was at office to shout at me that he couldn’t sleep in the morning because of too many mosquitoes and that I hadn’t remembered to buy the mosquito all out liquid before I left for office the next day. These may be small incidents but all these incidents make my blood boil when I think of them. How I used to actually believe that I was not a good wife!
But now I am glad am out of it. I have come out of that. I joined work again. I am doing quite well in that. My life is so much better now. I am actually laughing and smiling without fear that I will be shown my place because of something I didn’t do or some task I missed out doing. I came out at the right time I think.
And I thank God, my family and You and your readers for that!
I still have few more months till it becomes legal. I have always wanted to share this with you after it was all over but today when I saw my post in the related post section, it brought back all the memories and I knew I had to connect with you.
Having gone through a phase of difficult life, it has now made me appreciate the freedom I have. The freedom to think. The freedom of my mind to have ‘thoughts’ that are ‘My thoughts’. And it makes such a huge difference!
Thank you once again and I shall write to you again when everything is sorted out once for all.
From No More ‘Not a good wife’
The moment to walk out of a relationship by Simbly Bored
Some assertive ways to deal with manipulation. – by BB-Dlite
Recognizing Emotional Abuse – by Priya
Sharing an email from My Era.
This post (“Can I really marry and live with a guy who is so uncomfortable with the fact that I am open and expressive?”) finally, helped me make up my mind to write all I wanted to tell you, in hope that perhaps, my experience might be helpful to someone, somewhere.
I have been blogging from over 8 years. My earlier blog was more of a professional one that no longer exists and my current blog is around 4 years old. During my journey as a blogger I came across your (IHM’s) blog around the time when difficulties in my married life were slowly creeping in (around 2009). Slowly but surely, the open-minded discussions on your blog, inspired me to question life and the people in it more often than before. I learnt the importance of paying heed to my heart and not giving up unless my questions met a satisfactory reply.
This phase was very important in my life because it was when, my ex-husband started complaining that I was a changed person altogether. These mild complains in no time turned frequent and on one occasion when I was adamant to know what exactly he meant by me changing, I received a startling reply.
“Blogging and reading provocative blogs by others has made the good girl in you go corrupt.”
I have to admit that it took me a long time to realize what he was truly hinting at. While my ex-husband was aware of the existence of my blog, he was never inclined to reading it, owing to the fact, he was least interested in any of the topics that interested me.
However, at the time when I had discovered your blog I was so excited that I used to discuss at length all the points of view I read here with him. His usual ‘hmmm’ held a deeper meaning that I learnt at a point when my life started to fall apart. Without my ever doubting so, he had gradually started checking my browsing history and actually spent time to read the blogs I had slowly begun frequenting when I was not at home.
Much later, when our marriage was on the rocks and our divorce case was in the court, in one of the hearings he told the Magistrate, that ‘I had lost my mind, forgotten the duties of being a ‘good’ wife because I was being brain-washed by the anti-social blogs that I read.’ These were his exact words, which not only left me flabbergasted, but made the Magistrate give me a ‘look’. After a brief pause, my ex-husband took the privilege to actually blame our divorce on my habit of blogging.
Needless to say, I never gave up blogging despite these insane allegations and ended up with a divorce.
Today, looking back at those events after reading the letter shared on your blog, I was tempted to tell the letter writer, that if someone is ‘disturbed’ after reading your blog, that holds account of the real you; it is definitely a red flag.
I say so, because the person is actually expressing his dislike for the person he has encountered in the pages of your blog. He seems to not only find your being openly expressive as objectionable but is also trying to re-frame your approach to life, attempting to remould you.
In my limited life experiences, I have learnt that though people may learn to adjust, seldom do they change from their core beliefs. Trying to mould our lives, thought process, and everything else just to suit someone’s liking ( whom you know for hardly 10 days, are not in love or in a relationship with, is a big ask or rather too much an ask to even consider obliging for) is not worth it.
What has started on the note of expressing ‘dislike’ towards your freedom of expression at this stage, is a sure sign that you are heading on a road where ‘freedom of expression’ or making choices you like, will not be considered acceptable.
Moreover, I feel your best friend is quite right in saying that this man will never be at peace with your past about which he has read at length on your blog. For someone, what his sister thinks about you holds such paramount importance at this stage, ‘Log kya kahenge’ will be a weapon that he’ll blatantly use against you at every point in life from here on.
If for a minute, we assume, that you make your blog private and are happy to accommodate his request to not write a public blog in future, what is the guarantee that this is not just the tip of the iceberg of requests asking you to change as per his perception of a ‘good wife’?
Mind you, we are yet to give due thought to your happiness, peace of mind and integrity staying alive and healthy now and in future (if we consider you marry him).
I have learnt in life that there can never be enough sacrifices a girl can make to please her husband and in-laws in an arranged marriage setup. No-matter what you’ll do (killing the real you) it will be seen as expected from you as a ‘sanskari’ DIL.
Before you take a plunge into the endless pit of ‘adjustments’ please reflect on where your happiness truly lies. The usual norm of believing ‘Shaadi ke baad sab theek ho jayega’ is a blindfold our families tie on our rational minds, to let them decide everything for us, that opens at a time when major damages have been done.
Wishing you the best in your life and hoping you’ll pay heed to your inner voice that has already set the alarm off.
Sharing a comment by Cultural Amalgamation in response to this post – An email from a Happily Married Indian Daughter in law.
Cultural Amalgamation: All the above replies reflect the current Young Gen society where the rate of separation with better half is more than that of bonding with love and affection as earlier times.
IHM: Did the women in the earlier times have the option of separating without being boycotted, stigmatised or honor killed? Only if both the partners had the option of separating and they still chose to stay together, can we comment on the earlier ‘rate of separation’.
Cultural Amalgamation: Being individually separate and gardening your identities isn’t all life is about. Its just a notion begun by some liberal women and followed as a trend by the rest like the fashion sale at stores!
IHM: And being denied education and self reliance and being married off to live with strangers is what life is about?
The concept of marriage is not well identified with everyone. The Love marriages husbands have no choice for they already have landed in soup. So they leave their parents behaving like cowards. Arrange marriages also have girls who have radical views. Google-ing such articles and hoping to change minds with family-dismantling views is really a disappointing and a pathetic situation for the present youth to be in.
IHM: Why is the children (only male children) moving out of the house (only if are married, because moving out for work is acceptable) a dismantling of family?
Someday the gals who talk about liberty are going to be in their mother-in-laws shoes and they would realize when their Son moves out of house with some girl who he likes and doesn’t even know if he loves for the duration a quarter of the entire love and affection showered by his parents who always have been looking after his well being.
IHM: We really need to recognise that parental love for sons (And for daughters, because we seem to forget that Indian daughters have parents too.) is not the same as the love that couples have for each other. The spouse is a partner, not a parent. The spouse’s job is not to ‘look after’ the partner.
Parents raise their children to become independent adults and teaching him (or her) to look after their own well being is a parent’s biggest responsibility.
Somehow we seem to think that male children are required to somehow repay the love that the parents have showered on them. The girl children are expected to repay it too – with life long obedience to patriarchal rules.
Cultural Amalgamation: Its true that every girl has to leave her own family and get along with a new family.
IHM: This idea is the reason why Indian parents pray, fast and sex-select for male children. Patrilocality favours the parens of male children.
It also keeps women and girl children in dependence, without which ‘has to get along with a new family’ would be difficult to enforce.
Cultural Amalgamation: It is difficult to absorb but then it is equally difficult for the other side (family) too.
IHM: When it is ‘equally difficult’ for both the sides, then why do we hear misogynists fighting for Patriarchy, and Patrilocality?
Is it surprising that many women today prefer less difficult choices?
Cultural Amalgamation: In modern days not all families have mother in laws/father in laws as showcased (cruel/orthodox) in classical drama movies.
IHM: If they are not orthodox they probably understand that modern young women (and men) should have the right to choose who they marry, where they live, what they wear, how they spend or save their money etc.
Cultural Amalgamation: Its all about beginning a new life and being absorbed and getting absorbed.
IHM: How do women benefit from being ‘absorbed’ in a new family?
Infact it makes them ‘paraya dhan’ in their own parents’ homes. We know the system has not worked, but many of us still wish to preserve it.
Cultural Amalgamation: It is an opportunity for every woman to help prosper her husband’s family and its also equally a responsibility that every family (parents) takes care of the daughter in law as they would do if she were their daughter.
IHM: Because daughters are viewed as those who help the husband’s family prosper, they remain unwanted by the parents. Since (traditionally) the daughters have not been permitted to prosper themselves, they remain dependent.
Sharing an email.
I am a 27+ Indian female, I got married a year back in an arranged marriage.My husband is 31, 4 years older to me. Both of us are only children, and while he comes from a pretty rich family with huge property etc, I too come from a well off background. My husband had done a Masters in Finance and Accounting followed by a CPA. He works in a bank in London. He had tried applying for British citizenship thrice and got rejected thrice. His salary has stagnated for the last two years.
His friends, who are top investment bankers and consultants and MBA’s from top schools in India, earn two and a half to three times what he does, they’ve bought apartments in London entirely with their own money.
He now says that he hopes to do an MBA from London Business School or if he doesn’t get through London Business School then from some “top” school in USA. That is how he says he can catch up with his IIT/IIM investment banker and consultant buddies. I think its difficult to ever catch up with them, given how high they’ve moved in their careers, also he says he won’t do consulting as there’s “no life”.
I have moved to London to live with him.
Before marriage, he had mentioned that he’d recently applied for British citizenship but didn’t mention that he’d been rejected twice before or that he’d applied twice before. Thus, we had no idea that he’s such a London freak.
He had also never mentioned that he plans to do an MBA, especially that he plans to go to USA for his MBA for two years. The topic of MBA had come up briefly in our conversations when I’d mentioned that all my male cousins are IIT and/or IIM A grads. He got very annoyed that day saying that he’s not an IIT IIM, and if I don’t like it I shouldn’t marry him. His mom had also called up my mom saying that their son is very upset, and that if I’d wanted to marry an IIT, IIM guy, I shouldn’t have spoken to their son.I had then apologized and said I had no desire to belittle him, I was only mentioning my cousins settled abroad.
Even in all this, he never mentioned that he wanted to do an MBA, or that he’d given his GMAT twice before in the last year. We’d also mentioned many times to them that I am not at all a career oriented girl.
After marriage he started pressurizing me to immediately try to take up a well paying job because otherwise how will he do an MBA, who will earn and who will stay in London with a job while he goes off to USA to do an MBA (he feels he wants to come back to London to look for a job after doing his MBA in ase he doesn’t get a campus placement in London, and if his wife is not working there, it won’t be possible for him to do that.
As I said, his family is very well off and they’d had bought him a lovely apartment in a posh locality in London for which his dad paid the down payment and he’s paying the EMI.
He wants someone who’ll pay the EMI now while he fulfills his “dream” of doing an MBA.
His mom had called up my mom and said that while he does his MBA in USA, I can take up a job and remain behind in London as I’d then be earning in pounds and can pay the emi. My mom was furious on hearing this, especially since before marriage they’d mentioned that they’d rejected one software engineer girl already because she wanted to go to USA for one year on a project and the entire purpose of marriage is to live together, so why should they spring this surprise now upon us of me having to live alone in London for two years?
My husband will be 32/33 when he starts his MBA and 33/35 when he completes it, depending on where he gets in.
When I asked him why he didn’t mention his MBA in USA plans before marriage, he said I should’ve specifically asked him whether he plans to do an MBA.
I find it difficult to accept that, I feel if a 30+ man is getting married, he should’ve ideally completed all his education and educational “dreams” (stuff like PHD and Post Doc are different, as you earn while you study those stuff) but stuff like MBA’s, not even Executive MBA’s should be ideally completed in the Indian context. (I feel the same even if this was a 30+ woman btw)
If they’re not, and if the entire expectation is that the wife who is 4 years younger will run the house, pay the EMI and bills etc and keep a footing in London for the hubby to come back and job hunt, while the husband does an MBA in USA then that should be mentioned before marriage.
I completely understand that in the modern context, it is often expected that both husband and wife work and earn, but in an arranged marriage, with a 30+ husband having “dreams” to do an MBA post marriage with the wife living & working alone in London, it should be mentioned.
Instead all they’d mentioned was that they’re very against “long distance relationships” and they’d cancelled a girl who wanted to go to USA for just one year, because the “very purpose” of marriage was being together.
I had also told him before marriage that I might open a business in London, to which he’d said okay, now he strictly wants me to get a high paying job.
I am an only child and I’ve always “loved” kids and had hopes of being a mom, and soon. In fact, I’d often told my friends and relatives that I’m getting married because I love babies and want my own ones.
I am 27+ now, and I would ideally start trying for a family now, or by the time I’m 28, so that I could have my first child by 30.
My husband says he can’t even think of children, because they’re unaffordable given his salary in London, but he can’t think of going anywhere else(except for his education). If he does his MBA, I’ll be 31+ when he completes it, his mom and all my three paternal aunts had hysterectomies due to cysts and fibroids in their early thirties, I’m very worried I’ll also suffer from such stuff then.
I also feel cheated with this whole MBA lie.
What should I do? I have contemplated divorce
Sharanya – the OP
EDITED TO ADD:
Please read these comments by Sharanya – the OP before responding.
I’m an Office Assistant btw, a Secretary, a PA. How easy is it for someone like me to
1) quickly land a high paying job in a foreign country
2) pay the EMI for quite a big apartment and maintain a decent standard of living for myself?
He had also told his parents that he wanted a ” very beautiful” wife as he comes from such a high status family, I don’t want to sound vain but I am quite attractive. He also wanted someone who was traditional and homely and I ticked their checklist about these qualities.
However i’ve never been very bright academically nor has my career taken off brilliantly. I made it all clear to them and I thought its obvious anyway.
I’ve met some very bright girls in UK who earn a lot, my husband & his parents should’ve ideally searched for such a girl.
His best friend, that Mc Kinsey guy’s wife doesn’t work, she’s studying something and her husband funds her education, they had a love marriage and dated for 5 years before marriage, he also sends 1000 GBP (this becomes a big sum in INR) to his in laws every month as her father passed away early and she has three younger sisters and a mom who needs the money.All this was agreed before marriage.
He can afford such a wife, my husband can’t afford a Secretary wife and we wouldn’t have agreed to the match anyway had I known all these plans.
This was an arranged marriage and one of the biggest foundation of future love, respect & trust is truthful disclosure of all facts before marriage, which was trust king in our case.
2. Sharanya – the OP on February 24, 2014 at 1:08 pm said:
3. Sharanya – the OP on February 24, 2014 at 12:34 pm said:
4. Sharanya – the OP on February 24, 2014 at 12:04 pm said:
5. Sharanya – the OP on February 24, 2014 at 11:47 am said:
6. Sharanya – the OP on February 24, 2014 at 9:38 am said:
Sharing an email.
I wrote you a mail few days ago but wasn’t very clear on my problems I guess. In this mail I am giving you a complete picture of myself and my issues. Please publish it on your blog as I really need sound suggestions from all the people who comment here and in most of whom I see a reflection of my thoughts and opinions.
I am a 28 year old working and married woman. As with most urban girls these days, I have been raised with non traditional values and never had marriage as the only and ultimate aim of my life. I am the youngest in 4 siblings and was relatively pampered as compared to my other siblings. Since I was the last kid in the family I am extremely attached to my parents and led a very, very, almost unhealthy, protected life. Due to this I became a very emotional person and I have always had trouble dealing with my emotions. I soon realized the downside of this personality attribute, esp when I started working and worked on it to show my emotions only to my family and very close friends.
My husband and I met when I was 18 years old. After being pursued by him for almost 3 years, I said yes to him when I was 21. After almost 5 years of relationship, we got married 2 years ago. This information is relevant because I wanted to point out that my DH and I have practically GROWN together. We know each other inside out. By God’s grace my PIL’s are also nice people and my MIL is a very simple woman. Although she has irritated me at times with her illogical demands (like wearing the fanciest sari for a small function etc. ), she is not an evil woman. She cooks my favorite dishes when I visit them or vice-versa and has always treated me with love and respect. No restrictions on what I wear, where I go, whom I meet or how frequently I have to call them up. So I’m blessed that way I believe. Similarly, I have adjusted and kept quiet as per the need and have never disrespected them. We share a sweet bond and we genuinely adore each other.
Now the problem – My DH has been my support through all thick and thin. We have loved and supported each other unconditionally all these years. I have been completely emotionally dependent on him. My professional frustrations, my insecurities, my hopes, my dreams, he has been privy to all. He supports my decisions and has never ever forced me to do anything against my wish. Likewise, I have trusted his decisions and respected them, sometimes even when I didn’t like them. In spite of sharing a close bond, we have had terrible fights and arguments in our relationship on the most trivial of issues. He is also the youngest in his siblings and is quite pampered. I felt that both of us used to behave very immaturely and hence the frequent fights. To resolve this, I thought I would try to restrict my emotional outbursts and would let go of my need to have the last word in our every argument. I did exactly this and the arguments and fights did reduce. However, stifling my emotions did not help me very much. I started having feelings of resentment towards my hubby and did not feel myself with him anymore. He sensed this and he also turned to silence so that things don’t turn ugly. This has taken a huge toll on our relationship. While I cry and let out my emotions secretly, he feels that I could never grow up. Few days ago I had been crying non-stop for almost 2 hours (amalgamation of issues in office, some problem with my parents’ health and emotional disconnect with DH) and he could not take it any longer and said he is going out or a walk. I felt all the more hurt and then we had a very emotional conversation. I told him that since I could not share my pain with him anymore, could not tell him how he has been hurting me (knowingly or otherwise), I feel very suffocated. He let out a sigh and said in a very sad tone that he could not handle my emotions anymore. He could not handle my frequent emotional ups and downs and the fact that I refuse to grow up. Since that day we have been living a very normal, emotionless life. I am not finding any utility in staying married to him. I married him for love (which was an EMOTIONAL REASON). I don’t know if I am overreacting or this is worth calling the marriage quits. We have loved each other madly all these years and it pains me to see US like this. I also don’t know which is better, horrible emotional fights that would end within the day itself and we would be passionately back in love or the silent resentment that hangs for days and days between us.
Divorce is not a taboo in my family and I know my parents, even if it pains them terribly, will support my decision. The only sad part is that both the set of parents (mine and DH’s) have seen one of their kids getting divorced and it has broken them from inside even though they supported their kids’ decision. One more divorce in the family and it will be too much for both the parents to take. Also, I do not want to take such a strong decision without believing that it is the only way out.
Please help me make a sound decision.
Sharing an email.
What do you think should she do? Also, why do you think did this man get married to her?
Should she have, even the right to deny him a ‘no fault divorce’? If yes why? If not why not?
My friend and I went to the same college. She truly is an amazing person. Studious, friendly, polite, empathetic, cheerful, and loved by everyone, even at other majors. Back then she always had dreams about the kind of husband that she will have. Someone who would love her, and appreciate her for who she is. She has been talkative person. Very. I’ve spent hours then, listening to these, but none of that has come true now, which bothers me a lot.
Nobody asks men if they are married or divorced if they want to buy a credit card or mobile phone.What good is being liberal or modern if your daughter gets divorced in the first year of the marriage?
Sharing an email.
To introduce myself, I am like any modern Indian girl, come from a house of 2 girls, got good education and am decently employed. I was married 2 years ago and my marriage has been a nightmare. I was constantly abused by my H, in-laws for money and otherwise and it took me a while before I realized that these were not “starting troubles” of an arranged marriage. And I probably realized it too late cos I had already emptied all my resources and lot of my parents money too, I was injured and then abandoned by my H. My H packed the entire house and fled.
I am tired of running around courts and lawyers and police and fighting the system. Any advice/suggestions from the readers of this blog on how to get out of this mess would help me.
And I found this on the email writer’s blog, here – http://mydiaryofabuse.blogspot.in/
‘How has it become possible that my abusive husband even now controls the relationship I have with my family? When he has already abandoned me and refuses to take me back, why does the society still expect that I will live my life praying that he will take me back. Why doesn’t my family allow me to cut my losses and move on?’
“The respondent (husband) has no right to deprive the petitioner (wife) from physical relations or to suspect her character. It can be safely said that such conduct is more than sufficient which amounts to cruelty,” the court said. It directed the 33-year-old man to pay the woman Rs 3 lakh as permanent alimony.
The couple was in a relationship for about two years before getting married in February 2009. In her petition seeking divorce in February 2012, the woman alleged once the marriage ceremony was over she was shocked to see her in-laws had occupied the room her father had arranged for their first night.
She said the man refused to consummate the marriage under the pretext he was stressed as he had lost his job and was unemployed till October 2009. She added the situation persisted till March 2010.
The woman accused her mother-in-law of abusing and constantly asking her to leave their home. Things became worse after her husband suspected her character.
Despite several notices, the husband failed to appear before the court and in March it decided to proceed ex parte.
And here’s a comment:
Reverse the gender, and it is marital rape.
Reversing the gender would mean the man asks for divorce on grounds of cruelty for denial of sex. – the law does provide that option to men (and women).
Rape means forced sex or ‘sex without consent’. Marital Rape is when a married person rapes their partner.
Asking for divorce is not rape.
Some more comments:
1. Wat happens wen it’s other way around. … Does the law speak the same. …..???
2. If you forcefully try to have sex with your wife, it is marital r@pe. If wife denies sex, you have to obey and keep quiet.
3. What if wife deprives husband from sex than wat is the justice will the wife pays to husband if not she must be jailed for creating unhealthy society and punish for 3 years ….. for the period of desertion due to her and divorce to be granted and the naturally kids custody willbe his no mater minor or major