“I saw my sister was on the first floor and she was locked and she was crying badly with her daughter.”

Sharing an anonymous comment.

This victim of domestic violence wants to to stay married to the violent husband because she fears (amongst other things) that their child, a girl child being raised without her father would have ‘no values’.

This desire to stay married and make it work is extremely common – and is easy to understand. Starting afresh would involve going to the court for divorce, custody and maintenance/alimony/child support. It would involve struggling for financial support and income. (How much support can she expect from a society that views the crime as a family matter?)

It would involve coping everyday with blame from family and society, for not ‘reforming’ the abuser and saving her marriage.

It can’t be easy. One shouldn’t have to make such decisions. It’s unfair. But is living with a violent man easier?

Once the mind is made up, once the idea of divorce and single parenting begins to be accepted, once some financial stability is achieved, once the emotional abuse is recognised and confidence found again (very slowly) – maybe then the survivor would be able to see that there was no choice – on one side there was a life with hope and possibilities, on the other side – never ending and escalating violence, emotional abuse and resulting destruction of confidence and self worth.  

What makes women so willing to go back to where there is certainty of misery, violence, fear and pain? Why is the alternative found so much worse than all of the above? 

Below is the comment. What advice would you give to the email writer? 

My sister’s marriage is 12 year old and she has a daughter 11 years old. One day they (25 people) came to our house and started shouting outside our home insulting my parents and my sister and they said “Your daughter is lying on the road, bring her back.” And we reached there but she was not there, then we reached to her home it was locked from outside. I saw my sister was on the first floor and she was locked and she was crying badly with her daughter. We understood that she had been beaten very badly, but since this was a family matter I didn’t do anything like calling the  police. As I was afraid of their attitude to hurt my sister, so I brought my sister and her daughter to our home.

One day after that her daughter started crying that she wanted to see her father and my father took her to my sister’s in laws’ home. They refused to keep her and they threw her with her luggage like we throw garbage in the bin… speaking very rudely to the girl child.

They are so bad. Her husband has refused to pay her daughter’s school fees, now it is more than six month that we are taking care of both my sister and my niece but he never came to take them. Whenever we tried to contact him he says he is out of station, he refused to speak to us.

Please advice. My sister doesn’t want to break her marriage. She has a thinking that a daughter without a father has no value and her father has misused my sister for 12 years.

We are also planning to file a police complaint against him but before that I want to know the pros and cons of taking a legal steps and want to know my sister’s rights as a wife for 12 years. Please advice what we can do and what we should do to resolve this issue as he is not willing to listen to us…

Anyone please suggest what to do. This is real life matter and everyone’s attention is a must as what is my sister’s life at the age of 40 + with a daughter old 11 years and her husband is very rude abusive and beat her and doesn’t even pay her daughter’s school fees.

Thanks.

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Hi IHM,
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Thanks,

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“My suspicions were correct. He contacted me yesterday and asked me to get back together!”

“What if I let go the gold and money, not that I am rich, but they won’t give me a divorce easily…”

Sharing an email.

Dear IHM,

I hope, you remember the mail that I sent some months ago [An email: “He got very aggressive…”in which I had detailed my problems.  Finally, I made up my mind to get a divorce, my family as you know well support me.  Now, my so called husband appointed a common friend as mediator and let me know that he wants to get back with me, I firmly told her my answer is a NO.  Yesterday, I received a summons from family court asking me to present myself before court, this was in response to his petition that I have abandoned him and he really loves me and without me and kid, he will be having a mental breakdown.  I don’t know why he is doing this.  Is it another form of emotional abuse?
IHM, I know the divorce procedures may take a very long time and my husband and family will not give me one easily.  I think they want to avoid giving back my gold and money.  Do you think since he has filed such a petition, the ruling will be against me or will ask me to stay with him for 6 months or so?  Do you have any links presenting a similar situation?  I don’t have friends who have gone through a divorce, so I am not sure what to expect during a hearing.  My advocate told me there is nothing to worry as my fears are based on filmy court room moments.  I am not able to find comfort in her words.
*
The other option that felt feasible to me was what if I let go the gold and money, not that I am rich, but these people are cheap (a copy of the petition they filed was attached along with the summons, the baseless allegations made me cringe) and they won’t give me a divorce easily.  I am sure an out of court settlement with them is never going to happen because of their greed.  If I go to court, they will do everything they can to delay the process and torture me emotionally.  If they really need a compromise, will they raise such baseless allegations? I thought I will forget everything about the gold and money and start my life afresh, though I am not sure if I am doing the right thing.
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