Dad knifes girl for speaking to lover

What kind of society tolerates the idea that a 23 year old is not capable of knowing what and who makes her happy, and somehow another adult – and this is someone who is capable of inflicting grievous violence, is seen to have ‘her best interest’ (or anybody’s best interest) in mind? This violent person also finds sympathisers – including in the TOI comment section.

What makes so many non violent and seemingly civilised people excuse violence under certain circumstances? Is it just that we are so used to seeing violence being justified that we see it as a normal (or practical) method of coping with disagreements?

We also know that more than half of young Indians believe it’s okay for a man to beat his wife. [53% Indian boys and 57% Indian girls believe it’s okay for a husband to beat his wife]

And we tolerate educated fathers openly threatening their daughters with honor killing. (link)

It seems many Indians believe:

1. It is necessary to control other (mainly young) people’s personal lives, happiness and liberties to save Honor, ‘Society’, Patriarchy, the Institution of Marriage etc (i.e. the status quo).

2. Use of violence to save culture, religion, tradition, family values, honor etc has to be tolerated.

On Wednesday, Suma had gone to her father’s weaving unit in Dommasandra where she also works. Chinnaswamy came to meet her defying Reddy. When he saw them talking, an enraged Reddy ru8sh8ed at Chinnaswamy, chopper in hand. A shocked Suma tried to save her lover but received the brunt of her father’s fury. She received grievous blows from the weapon. 

And here is a comment explaining the circumstances under which violence is tolerable to many Indians.

It could also be because this Chinnaswamy is a vagrant, a no good, unemployed married looser with bad hygiene. We don’t know.. if this “lover boy” is indeed unemployed and belongs to an underprivileged family he could very well be seducing the girl in the hope to one day usurp the business and improve his financial conditions… The hatred that Ashok Reddy displayed against the lover boy could be because he wanted to protect his innocent, gullible daughter against the well thought out, sinister plans of Chinnaswamy.

A Question: Is there any way this can change without media campaigns creating awareness about women being ‘people’, capable and deserving of making their own decisions –  right and wrong, and learning, unlearning and moving on?

Related Posts:

Love Marriages spoil the Family System of our Nation.

How illegal bans on Valentine’s day and birthday parties are connected with dowry deaths and sex selection.

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“Both boy and girl were responsible, who had done marriage without informing their parents.”

I wonder if the law would consider the husband a rapist in this case. How would her marital status affect the Rape Survivor? Does it benefit the man, legally and socially, to deny, or to acknowledge the marriage?

If the marriage is recognized by the law, then the husband probably can’t be convicted of rape (marital rape is not a crime in India), so maybe then the woman has the option of seeking divorce on grounds of cruelty?

What are the chances of her parents and the police being supportive, specially since she had ‘married’ without taking the parents’ permission and blessings, and also because the other two rapists seem to be related to the ‘husband’. (Family matters, family name, honor etc)

New Delhi: 20-year-old woman was raped in a moving car allegedly by her husband and his two relatives in Delhi, police said on Thursday.

The incident came to light on Wednesday evening when the victim was found unconscious in Najafgarh by a passerby.
… a medical examination confirmed the sexual assault. She and Inderjeet got married in a temple without informing their families.

The victim claimed she was served cold-drinks laced with sedatives allegedly by Inderjeet, and his relatives Nitin and Vijender – all in their early 20s – then allegedly raped her. The trio have been arrested.

Inderjeet allegedly asked her to come to Delhi from her house in Jhajjar in Haryana to get their marriage registered.

When she met him, she was taken to a car.
“She told us that after she became unconscious, they allegedly raped her,” a senior police official said. [Woman allegedly raped by husband, kin in a moving car in Delhi]

This response sums up how many others would see this crime.

So the wrong this husband committed is marrying without informing the parents, not planning the rape with two relatives?

oh……..but who is responsible…..is that govt.?…….no…..both boy and girl were responsible,,,who had done marriage without informing their parents. [Anonymous]

Another comment is trying to understand why such crimes are so common.

We are a repressed society.. Have u seen animals raping? Or always sexual.. We need to understand why we are a repressed society and the reasons we indulge in such activities.. It’s just not only rape…  It’s also violence towards women n children.. Especially girl child… The only remedy is to understand why.. Laws will be made, but people’s urges can’t be tamed with mere law.. A deeper reason has to be understood and rectified.. [Akshat Mehrotra]

Related Posts:
Who will benefit from criminalising sexual assaults within marriages?

Four kinds of marriages in modern India. Which ones would you ban?

Daughter in law locked in cowshed, raped by spouse, neighbours and others.

Making Marital Rape a legal offence is the fastest way to make it clear that Rape means forced sex, not lost Virginity or Honor.

This is what Haryana Khaps are not saying.

The Confused Friend: As her well wisher would you try to put some sense into her or would you wait for her to realize these mistakes herself?

I am sharing this email from The Confused Friend because I have heard of these concerns about irresponsible feminism’ from a lot of people. Concerns such as these convince women to let the parents choose their partners. Women are told marriage protects them from such situations hence Getting and Staying Married should be every Indian woman’s goal in life.

I know I have been asking for a lot and was harsh also but I think if you publish (maybe as a new post to avoid confusion) this it would help in getting some perspective.
My sincere apologies for coming out very strongly to some of your suggestions. I realise that most of it caused by the first line of my mail. In my sheer confusion I have given the impression that my friend does not deserve to be treated with respect. My friend’s case is not of what I refer to as ‘irresponsible feminism’, my fear is something else here. But before I get to that – My friend’s case is an unfortunate one where her parents thought locking her up would solve the problem, only if they knew it is only accentuating it. We are looking for the best way out of this mess. I know it will take time (maybe a lot it!) but my friend has decided to invest that much time to come out with best possible solution to this problem.

I know of a girl who was happy and normal like many of us. Her parents are doctors who reside in different city. They trusted her to live her life responsibly and let her make her decisions. She was a relationship with a guy which unfortunately did not work out. She got involved with another guy who ‘used’ her in every he can. He shifted city and forgot about her. This lady had so much love that she went there to convince him. That is when she got to know that she was used by the man, which hit her badly in some way. When her friends warned her about the guy, she did not believe them. These were her best of friends in that city and she trusted them during crisis. Now since her parents did not know anything about this situation, they obviously were not in picture. Let us say if they knew and had tried to say the same thing – would she believe them? she did not believe her peers? What if she said ”I know what I am doing and because I am a girl you are doing this to me” (she said similar stuff to her friends) Now she has been thrown out of the PG she used to live in, she is known to have slept with numerous men in office. Her desperation is visible to everyone! Her case may be one of ones but it forces me to think ? This lady is going on to ruin her life and when confronted used ‘ You oppress me’ kind of statements. As her friend/parent/well wisher if you try to put some sense into her or would you wait for her to realize these mistakes of herself or rather have a bad name in her eyes but do something good for her?

When I said draw the line in my mail, I meant for cases like these. I don’t mean to say we lock up this lady. But how do I make her understand feminism is not only about the choices you make? It is about the choices you make and how you learn from them ? When someone restricts you it might not be to oppress you, it could be because someone genuinely cares about you and knows that you are going the wrong way? You can’t always say ‘I am a woman that’s why my choice is not respected.’ Sometimes your choice is not worth respecting.

Please understand I have two contradicting “real life” cases in front of my eyes. Both say the same thing but the context is different. In one I am completely sure that she is ruining her life while in other I am little less sure but I have faith.

An email: Would you see this as an example of ‘Irresponsible Feminism’?

I am sharing an email from A Confused Friend. What would you have done if this girl was your friend?

Hello,

I have a case which would perhaps give insight into why people fear irresponsible feminism.

I have a friend who lives in a small town. Most of the people there are (as far as I know) are middle class business men who are at most graduates or 12th pass. It is a classic case of  ‘if you wear Jeans you would be looked at and teased‘, ‘if a boy comes to a girl’s house people will stare‘ neighbourhood. I would not say its an educated area because whenever I visited there I was amazed at boys’ indecency to eve tease a girl standing right outside their house. It is not a slum also.

Inspite of living in this area, my friend’s parents gave her all the freedom to wear the kind of clothes she wanted and her male friends used to visit her house and knew her parents. Her parents gave her good allowance and all other resources to study well. She even went to the US to do her masters and decided to work there. Her dad financed all her education in US. She started working in US and paid back the money her dad gave her for US studies (which shows that he had no qualms about taking money from his daughter, its simple case of ROI) She got involved with a man  in the US (she is in her twenties) and wants her parents to give her permission to marry him. When they got to know of all this, they locked her up. Now she is planning to run away. Her biggest rue against her parents being that they are keeping her as a prisoner and they do not worry about her career.Very honestly speaking, I do not approve of her decision of running away and knowing her earlier relationships she might make a wrong choice (does not mean she is would be wrong this time also).

From her parents perspective:

  • Do you think it is easier for middle class parents ( her dad built a business from nothing!) to accept such a relationship?
  • They were brought up with certain notions and have lived with those for more than 50 yrs of their life. Is it easier for them to change all of it in a month?
  • Her parents did not grow in Google age. They might still think that Firangs do not value marriage as a relationship ? how can they be sure that it would last?
  • Their daughter would live miles away in a culture which they don’t even know of. Aren’t their fears valid ?
  • It is totally unjust for her parents to keep her captivity but do you she wouldn’t have tried to get away if they gave her all the freedom? I mean in captivity with being under watch always,  she can plan her escape and has means to do it also, we can guess what would have happened if she was not watched? It myth the be traditional fear of family reputation being ruined if she runs away but it might be their genuine concern for her?
  • This lady is now ready to leave her life of 26 yrs for a man she met 2 yrs ago. As far as i know her biggest complaint against her parents was that her sis was her dad’s fav and her bro was her mom’s so she was no one’s fav. Now we always forget parents are human they might have favorites?
  • I don’t know if she has thought about the fact that maybe when 7 years down the line she thinks of having a kid, there might be challenges. Or 10 yrs down the line their physical relations might affect their marriage?

Her parents were giving her everything to help her stand on her feet. They gave her freedom, money, thought process to think big, support and this is what is happening. Her parents give her permission to write to company and inform them about her health ( fake illness), she uses that time to mail to her boyfriend and other friends asking for help!

I think her parents are at fault that without even meeting the guy they have made a decision but as I said 50 yrs of upbringing, maybe they don’t want to give her any false hopes?

By no means I am supporting her parents or my friend. I am just confused.

What do you think is the solution to this problem? You will find several cases of such sorts where parents did not approve of the guy and they were indeed right. I know of a case where a girl married against the wishes of her parents and the guy turned out to be useless? These are women who are financially stable, make their own choices and end up like this? These are women cried foul and of injustice (that coz they are woman the are being subdued) when their parents warned them of these guys.  I do not advocate that the solution to this is we get women married at 18 and don’t let them earn money! But where and how to draw the line? How do we make sure that women understand that with freedom comes the responsibility of taking care of your life and of other’s around you?

Perhaps you can publish this on your blog to see what others would say.

– A Confused Friend.