An email: “Even after marriage, he shows absolutely zero interest in me. It’s been SEVEN years.”

Sharing an anonymous email. 

“I even asked my husband if he was maybe gay, in which case I just won’t tell anyone about it…”

 

Dear IHM,

I’m in a very unhappy state and so confused with what to do..

I have been married for 7 years (known my husband 2 years before that when we “dated”)… while we were dating, nothing sexual happened between us (not even a kiss, no heart racing stuff)… while I didn’t give it much thought then, now I feel I should have!

Even after marriage, he shows absolutely zero interest in me. It’s been SEVEN years and through these years, I have fought, cried, reasoned out, explained myself, allowed him to be the way he wants… basically everything that I could do.

I have told him openly I miss the “sex”, not as a physical activity but more as an emotional one.

I have told him I’m okay with doing anything and that he needs to feel comfortable and rest assured I won’t judge him incase he has weird tastes (I was thinking “fetish” or “role play”).

I even asked him if he was maybe gay, in which case I just won’t tell anyone about it, we would work on the  pregnancy thing through alternatives.

But he just doesn’t give me the input I need. There is zero cooperation from his side.

He keeps saying there is no problem (evidently there is!)… and he says “we will do this week”, “we will have sex next week” etc

And SEVEN years have passed already.

I’m am  at an extremely depressed stage. I do not know what to do.

I cry randomly, I feel sad… and I’m crying as I type this.
I’m scared that I’m getting into depression without me even realising it!

And I feel so worthless through it all. I feel like there is no one really for me (my parents are no more) and many a times I have thought about divorce.

Few things…

1. 98% he’s not gay (saw some porn details on his mobile history. Regular porn, no fetish types or gay types)
2. I’m extremely hygienic and smell good
3. Our environment is sex friendly
4. I’m a good looker and quite attractive (not to sound vain, but wanted to clear certain basic questions that might pop up)

Can you PLEASE do a topic on this, I feel like I need to see things from a fresher perspective..

Thanks a ton!

Related Posts:

Can a woman marry and change an uninterested (in marrying her) man into a responsible, loving husband?

And what would have happened if this man had declared that he was gay and hence would not marry a woman?

Denying sex to spouse on first night ground for marriage annulment: Delhi high court

A comment- ‘Reverse the gender, and it is marital rape.’Depriving wife of sex is cruelty, Mumbai court rules

Refusal to have sex during honeymoon is not cruelty: Bombay high courtQuestion about Sexuality in Indian Arranged Marriages

Romanticizing innocence, chastity and related taboos for women.

“There is so little conversation about a woman’s desire for sex that a lot of people simply assume it doesn’t exist.”

A tag: But when a woman sees a hot man, nothing happens in her brain?

Gird Your Loins – Aarti Sethi, Kafila

“Porn is a discourse about sex and works like an educator about sex and gender.”

An email: Also this is a genuine question and not a pornographic mail.

Girls morally bound not to have sex before marriage, says fast track court judge

‘I’m now thoroughly convinced that the entire concept of virginity is used to control female sexuality.

Here’s why I think the society should not obsess over a woman’s virginity.

And what would have happened if this man had declared that he was gay and hence would not marry a woman?

Would he still risk being arrested under the same Sec 377?

It seems the crime he is being arrested for is not that he cheated the woman (for that we have options like asking the victim to adjust), but that he is gay.

But what options did the legal system permit this citizen here? Stay unmarried and pretend he is not gay?

Sec 377 slapped on Infosys techie after wife catches his gay acts on spycam

Though they had been married for a good six months, John allegedly refused to touch Lisa and did not initiate any physical contact with her. The two even slept in separate rooms, according to the dentist.

“I first spoke to John and advised him to get a medical test done, thinking he did not want to get intimate with me because he was impotent. However, he flatly refused; so I had no option but to approach his parents. Imagine my utter shock when they blamed me for their son not being attracted to me, saying he was ‘perfect’ and that I was flawed in some way…” Lisa recalled.

 

[Newly wed Sweety faced the same pressure to ‘attract’ Smartu in this case. – IHM]

 

…Finally, the dentist decided to take matters into her own hands. Turning detective, she installed hidden cameras…  she was aghast to find recordings of her husband’s homosexual encounters with another man. … armed with the evidence, walked into the nearest police station to file a complaint.

 

“I have also accused my in-laws of cheating me since I believe they knew their son was gay, but intentionally led me to believe he wasn’t. They have cheated me and ruined my life by getting me married to him,” the dentist rued.

Related Posts:

“If I was born somewhere else, sometime later, in a more liberal family, in a more equal world…”

Can a woman marry and change an uninterested (in marrying her) man into a responsible, loving husband?

“Homosexuality is criminal offence, Supreme Court rules.”

The Liberals will Live And Let Live…

Who is the victim in this crime?

How do you define Sin?

How Do You Distinguish Right from Wrong?

Denying sex to spouse on first night ground for marriage annulment: Delhi high court

Maybe it’s because we are still a young Democracy…

 

An email: An Old fashioned boy friend and a Liberal girl friend.

The problem was that he wanted us to have sex.

Sharing an email – received it just a day before the Delhi High Court ruling discussed in the previous post.

This email also highlights unrealistic expectations Indian society has from young Indian women and how it can confuse a young mind. So, good Indian girls should not have boy friends, if they do, they must marry the first man they go out with, breaking up is not an option – because it implies the girl has a ‘past‘. And otherwise old fashioned boyfriends can have ‘liberal’ ideas about premarital sex.

Since boyfriends are not permitted there is no guidance about rights in a relationship.

Is your relationship healthy?

Your Rights in A Relationship – A Desi Girl’s Guide to Relationship Survival.

An email from Almost Twenty.

Should I ask this guy to get back together? Please guide me.

I am 20 and have been in a relationship with a guy for the last two years. I was really serious about him. He is wonderful. I don’t know how I managed to find somebody who was perfect for me, but I did.

Then the problem started. We were both REALLY close to each other. We shared everything. Since I don’t believe I was doing anything bad, I was very upfront about our relationship to my family and friends and even my extended family. I don’t care about the neighbours. He wasn’t. We are from different communities. His family was old fashioned. He had been born after two girls, the “ladla”. I have no idea how he wasn’t spoiled.

I tried to tell him that his family discriminated on the basis of gender and I would not be able to stand it at functions (we were thinking of getting married then.) He accepted that he would be called JKG. He assured me he would handle his family in such a situation.

He knew about my family life. And he knew that in spite of it all, I wanted to take care of my parents. Though I doubt they would take my help since is so little affection between us. But he knew that because of my family, I would probably be more caring about his family than him. I was.

He used to say that I am all talk. I lay down a million ground rules and then break them all for him. I did that because I loved him and some things just didn’t matter as much.

The problem was that he wanted us to have sex. I had made it clear that I didn’t want to. I wasn’t comfortable with it. Yet, he schemed repeatedly, and manipulated many times to get me to his house. Sometimes it was pressure because other couples were fine, so why couldn’t I?

The more he did it, the more wrong I felt, and the more nervously he acted. I don’t doubt that he loved me. But perhaps his love was selfish. I don’t know. He is a good guy. I don’t doubt that he would have married me if I wanted that.

But I used to hate each time he tried to talk about it. I also worry about possible consequences. We are kids. We aren’t supposed to have kids until we can financially care for them, so we shouldn’t have sex until we are prepared for the consequences. No moral nonsense, merely my personal views. We never went far, because I didn’t want to. It frustrated him. I think one reason he kept doing it was because he thought (absurdly) that I didn’t find him attractive. I did, of course. And so he pressurized me and then he hated the fact that I would say no, and it would go on. I get why he was doing it- the media always shows a girl saying no, and then doing it, do they not? It was easy for him to pretend that I was fine with it, because we were going to get married anyway. I do not think I would want to have sex with him the first night of the marriage either- that concept is difficult for me. Also, I had once mentioned in passing that even if I felt like doing it after marriage, I would probably keep saying no for a long time if he asked about it (till I “settled”.) I understand this is a result of social conditioning making me believe that wanting sex is “slutty” but I can’t change this feeling and I don’t really want to.

I do not think he had bad intentions to “use and throw” or whatever, but the idea didn’t sit well with me. Another reason I wouldn’t do it was because he was so old-fashioned – he had never had a female friend before me. He hadn’t told his family (about me), even.  Only his sister. I do not think premarital sex is bad, but I don’t know why I didn’t like the idea. I just couldn’t do it. I think somewhere I have always been aware that he cares a LOT about “society”- a LOT. I always wondered about it – in case of an accidental pregnancy, it would be I at risk with the whole Indian abortion setup – where woman are abused.

I know he would have supported me – he would even have told his family if I insisted on a marriage, but we aren’t even earning – the idea is just so irresponsible to me somehow.

Also, I think one reason he wanted to do it was the fact that I would be unlikely to end the relationship with him afterwards. Or so he thought. He isn’t liberal like me, after all.

I ended the relationship the day he tried to pressure me into *other sexual acts*. Sorry about being crude, but I just COULDN’T fathom how he had no idea of how much pressure this was causing to our previously almost perfect relationship. I now think I should have handled the relationship differently. I should have probably put my foot down on the issue and never broken up. But it is done.

Post break up, I thought I would be relieved. I have had two break ups before and they didn’t hurt me at all. But I found that missed him every day and thought about him all the time. Our friend circle hated me, because they were his friends.

I rarely make friends and my boyfriend wouldn’t let me talk to my few friends, because they weren’t fit for his social status and because he is a jealous person [I am smiling as I say this because he never caused trouble for me. I always scolded him in public when he acted like this! And he always accepted that he was wrong, but said that I should sometimes indulge him after he threw a tantrum, so I did when I felt like it. 🙂 ] I know that was wrong and possessive. But I didn’t mind. He was all I needed.

And I didn’t listen to him when I actually wanted to talk to somebody. And I lectured him about it when he got too far. So, it was fine. But when he wasn’t around I realised I had nobody to hang out with.

Have you ever been invited to a party and then gone there and nobody will talk to you? They will all smile and say a few sentences and turn away. They all know you are alone but nobody cares. That is how my situation became.

Moreover, his friends bullied me. They called me a slut, used hindi gaalis on facebook. One of his friends… kept talking about how I wasn’t “Indian” (Indian girls = first boy friend is last boyfriend) which made me think- really? He had had 7 relationships till then and he had no intention of getting married to the girl he was with and they did a lot of stuff together! Same case with the girl also. And he says I am not Indian because I don’t fit his ridiculous moral standards when he doesn’t fit them either!

I don’t think my boyfriend asked them to do it. He most probably didn’t tell them the real reason though – how could we? So the reason I gave everybody was that he lied. He begged a lot when I broke up. But he was just refusing to think.

The problem is that it has been 8 months now. And I am still as much in love with him as I was then.

I found out a few weeks back that he had accepted a girl’s “proposal” but had then rejected her in a month. He said that he had known I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it. (Probably because he felt I had to; because I had had relationships before him while I was his first? He had never cared about my past, after all.) He told me that he had immediately realised that he was in love with me and so he had ended this relationship in a month. I was really hurt though so I ended up telling him that I still loved him.

Maybe he was entitled to a relationship? Was it as fine because we had already broken up?

So, if he knew that he loved me, then why did he go out with another girl? Why do it? How can he say he loves me? Also, he has been talking to this girl for 8 months now. What about her? He will have to tell me about her and lessen talking to her, but would I be able to trust him again?

The problem is that I can’t forget him. And I am not a liar either. I fear that I will not be able to pretend to my husband when I marry. And I will get married to get out of my family’s atmosphere. My family can’t be trusted to get me married. Also, my relatives knew about the relationship- including my grandmother and they keep asking about him. I don’t know how to explain to them that I have broken-up. They are typical Indians and don’t understand break-ups. I am so tired of it all.

I was depressed for 3 months, post break up. This was the second time. I know our relationship was healthy and I love him a lot, and not because he fills a void in me that was created by my family or any other psychological assessment. I simply love him. Apparently, Bollywood style love is possible (to an extent anyway.)

So, I have been considering asking him to get back together. To save his face in college, I couldn’t tell anybody the real reason. My “honor” too, but I admit I care very little about honor, but he seems to care about the society a lot. He once wanted me to pretend that I belong to his community so that people wouldn’t do the whole- “love marriage haw” thing. It was a joke and I was scandalised so he never brought it up again. It was the easy vs. right question! But his family is pretty normal. In fact, his sister is surprisingly in love with a guy from my community and they are getting married soon! So, I would have fit right in, without major problems. I was also willing to adjust (and I am rolling my eyes as I say this is a new low.)

Now, should I ask him to get back? I fear he may be over me, but if he is, he will just tell me and what harm can that do? Or I will find it out and then end it. I do not care about potential embarrassment or ego. But right now I feel like I have no closure. And I keep thinking that I will never love my husband because I will never meet a guy I respect. I am so like you girls here. I have no idea how you people found a good guy but for me, things aren’t going to be easy.

What complicates the matter is that I told my boyfriend that the reason I was ending the relationship was because of the lies. I figured this was better and easier. Also, he was refusing to accept the problem. When I would tell him that his odd insistence on us getting physical made me feel like something he was using, he would get this horrified look and once started crying and told me not to say such things. *eye roll*

So, he knows deep inside the real reason, but might be pretending to himself, you never know. He was good at that, like most Indians.

So, should I? Shouldn’t I?

Please post this on your blog, after shortening it up. I want to listen to what people have to say.

I only wrote the family part so people would know that I am already too cynical to trust and how the arrange marriage scenario is risky for me. I admit if I lived in a place where dating was accepted, I wouldn’t have considered getting back with him.

I know that it is possible for me to fall in love again, if I meet the right guy. But right now, for realistic reasons I feel that I might never meet a guy who would let me be myself.

Also, I do love this guy, even though his behaviour hurt me, so I do want to get back together. And his parents now know about us and live in the same city, so the case of sex is closed, at least while we live in this city. But if he takes me back, I think he won’t pressurize me about sex anymore because he will also want to make it work.

Thank you,

Almost Twenty

Denying sex to spouse on first night ground for marriage annulment: Delhi high court

“It is not that the husband had sex with his wife only about 10-15 times from the date of his marriage within a period of five months, but the wife’s cruel act of denying sex to the husband especially on the very first night and then not to actively participate in it even for the said limited period for which no contrary suggestion was given by the wife,” the court said. [ link ]

I am only discussing the underscored part.

So it is cruel of a wife to be unwilling to have sex with the husband on the first night?

And it is considerate and humane to expect an inexperienced young woman to be eager to actively participate in an intimate act with someone she has probably never met before?

Probably someone she is not permitted to choose, and once chosen by the family, she generally gets to meet/know only on the wedding night? Seeing that he expects her to actively participate, possibly someone who has learnt about sex from the kind of porn that the Karnataka ministers were caught watching in the Assembly? [link]

Indian men (and women) are discouraged from learning about sex through sex education. They are culturally expected to see sex as something women do not want and something men always want. Movies and society seem to see a disinterest in sex as natural for a woman of high moral values, modesty and virtue. Indian movies are full of such scenes.

Ignorance and lack of knowledge about sex in women, is romanticized, even glorified. [link]

One also hears about how Indian men do not want to marry  the ‘kind of women’ who can be persuaded to sleep with them without marrying them and traditionally women eager to have sex are seen as deserving of suspicion and derision. There is almost no discussion about about sensitivity towards a  woman’s feelings, or understanding her reluctance, nobody seems to care because she is also supposed to announce ‘the good news’ and produce a male heir within a year of being married.

We even romanticize the ‘not knowing what to expect‘ of the ‘first night’. We make light of and joke about the easily avoidable and very valid apprehensions that a couple might have.

1. Beauty Parlour. You just don’t know what to expect.

2. Tattoo.

3. About expectation from one of the partners to know everything although they are not openly encouraged to learn. It seems how much he knows about sex has to do with how much of a mard a man is.

Women also might believe that is is natural for a real ‘mard’ to have no consideration for their feelings.

4. Fevicol… Cringe worthy? Men can’t help being men?

Related posts:

Romanticizing innocence, chastity and related taboos for women.

Many of us view watching porn as a harmless activity…