Do you believe that if this video was shot in Delhi, the girl would not reach home alive?

What do you make of this video? How do you think would the experience differ in Delhi? Or worse, Madhya Pradesh? Or Bihar, Haryana or UP?

IndieTube in Mumbai decided to mimic the ‘10 hours of walking in NYC as a woman‘ video. The model wears a top and a short skirt and walks around Mumbai city throughout the day, almost 10 hours of walking. To their surprise she did not get a single instance of street harassment. (But many women were not surprised.)

Many comments seem to believe, with absolute certainty, that if this video was shot in Delhi – the girl would not reach home alive. Many are sure she would have been sexually assaulted.

What do you think?

I think, 98% chances are that she would face Street Sexual Harassment from strangers. In some places it would be subtle.

Stares would be the most common intimidation and harassment.  Also, attempts at seemingly accidental physical contact (like almost pushing her while walking past her).

And in many some places there would be Nothing. These will be the areas where many women dress the way they choose to, and they drive, walk, ride on two wheelers, sit, stand, laugh or just loiter – in public spaces. It seems, presence of confident and empowered women on the streets makes streets safer for women. [Link][Link]

(unfortunately such places are not many). Also, some (not all) of these places might be seen as a bad influence on our culture. Can you think of some such places?

In some neighbourhoods where criminals have more freedom, and where women are more controlled [link], (directly related) there would be less fear of consequences for the criminals – here there is a possibility of the woman being followed for short distances, maybe singing or humming, and in some places, maybe attempts at touching her.

Do consider:

1. The video is shot in broad daylight and in crowded streets.

2. Only 2% of sexual crimes against women are committed by strangers (Stranger Rape Myth) 98% of such crimes are committed by someone known to the victim.

(Though ofcourse in India, perhaps a large percent of that 2% are committed in Madhya Pradesh, Delhi, UP, Haryana, Kerala and Bihar?)

3. Also, I think, often, Public Transport seems to be a more unsafe Public Space for women, than the streets are. [Link1] [Link 2][Link 3]

Related Posts:

Research survey on Street Harassment

Which city in India, do you think is the safest city for women? Do women in that city stay at home after dark?

Study finds 98% of India rape victims knew their attacker.

Home most unsafe place for women : A unique court-ordered study by Delhi Police has revealed.

Sexual Assault Prevention Tips Guaranteed to Work!

Indian women dancing in the streets? Photographs.

What’s the best way to fight for your rights and freedoms and to prevent Talibanization of India?

“Sunitha Krishnan spoke in my kid’s school about violence against women, only girls were allowed in the audience.”

Can sexual harassment be compared to Terrorism against a whole community called women?

What did Sharad Yadav mean by, ‘Who amongst us has not followed girls?’

Is stalking of girls and women illegal in India?

‘“Why would this girl lie? After all she is taking the blame on herself”, said the police officer to the criminal infront of me.’

The fearlessness of the Indian ‘Eve teaser’ (sexual criminals)

Advertisements

How would you react if you knew your son (or daughter) felt this way?

Sharing an email.

” I wish they just become bad… too bad… too abusive that they start beating me. That would be easy for me then.”

What would you say to him if you were his parents? How would you react if you knew your son (or daughter) felt this way? 

What advice would you give to the email writer?

’24 year old guy: Help needed Desperately’

Hey there,

I am struggling with a challenge which might seem quite ridiculous at first, and may be it is, but I can’t seem to come out of the situation. I live in a traditional Indian family. But through my small rebels, I was able to create a tiny bit of freedom for myself. And, my parents are supportive of me at some level compared to the rest. Though they still are traditional parents, but compared to what I hear and what I read on your blog, they don’t stop me from doing what I want (in most cases). And that is the problem. They are just normal people… good…fine… OK people. Not abusive, not threatening. Nope. Nothing like that. Just common ordinary people of ordinary lives. I am 24 years old and staying with my parents.

I know it is being very destructive for my growth to stay at home and be lazy and continue the living style my parents inherited from their… and continue the same trend. I am big on personal growth, wants to come out of conformity, escape the rat race, living adventurous life and I keep doing what my current level of growth and confidence allows me to. I just can’t live fully at home, and can’t do all these things I desire, that I know for sure. I want to move out. I want to constantly travel, from one place to other. Try new challenges. And living at home is very limiting. My parents may be slight above in par than the traditional Indian society but that shouldn’t make everything OK.

They don’t encourage me. Don’t support my growth plans, even if they are good.

My parents even make fun of my goal of vegan diet. They think it is too impractical in India. They call my decision of leaving meat as “pretentious” and boring. Can you believe that? They don’t allow me to buy good healthy expensive cooking oil from my own money, just because it is expensive and they don’t know why I do such thing. They don’t understand my habit of reading books. They call me “Kitaabi Keera”.

They still constantly ask, not force, but ask politely to take a regular job. Which I have clearly told them I will not. And I am earning myself through a writing job which does not pay that well. But I take care of my own needs. And this discussion of job still come up every single day. But other than that, they are, I guess, nice people. Normal average people. Don’t abuse me. They give me some level of freedom which THEY think is appropriate but not the “real” freedom. So the problem is – I want to move out but parents are blackmailing me emotionally. Which I think is selfish nature. Whenever I talk about moving out they make sad face. Their tone of voice changes. They just WANT me to stay at home and live a mediocre life like they did. They are so bored and afraid of life that they can’t think of anything they could do themselves, without me. This is utterly sad and depressing. The love between mom and dad is totally gone. They are just living and counting days. (And are they expecting me to do the same?) But they never really pressurize me to stay, never really threaten me to stay, which is the problem itself. Because if they did, I would move out that day only. I know that is completely out of line. But they don’t do that. They become sad, helpless, lonely. that is where I get stuck. I wish they just become bad… too bad… too abusive that they start beating me. That would be easy for me then. I don’t know what to do. I can’t live at home anymore. I have a lot to explore and staying at home at 24 years of age is depressing. Don’t tell me I can stay at home and make it worthwhile without knowing about my passion and goals. And this is one of the hardest decision I have faced in my life. Can’t stay… can’t move out. It scares me to even think of a sudden crisis, an unfortunate event at home, which might happen when I am out of city. Will I who be blamed? I know I can not just stop thinking about it and move out with my stuff. That is just not possible. The solution is somewhere inside me, somewhere I have to grow, give a shot at making them understand, something, I don’t know.

Please give me some advice.

Thank for you reading the whole rant.

Related Posts:

An email: I am 18 year old male from a traditional (read:backward) Indian family.

“You can listen to your parents and be unhappy or you can go against them and feel guilty – those are your choices?”

“When the time comes to support them, they back out and and blame the children for misusing their trust and freedom.”

Against your child’s happiness

An email: I want my parents to know the real me, why do I have to lie?

Why do we hear concerned voices about ‘misuse of freedom’ the moment we talk about Freedom?

‘We grew up in a very liberal family. We knew what our limits were and our focus was our education. We never betrayed our parents.’

An email from an Indian Husband… and a Good Indian Son.

What kind of sons do Feminists raise?

“When the time comes to support them, they back out and and blame the children for misusing their trust and freedom.”

What exactly is Misuse of Freedom and Trust? Why is choosing one’s life partner seen as a ‘betrayal’ by many Indian families/parents?

Sharing an email. 

Dear IHM,

I am back again asking for your help regarding a problem. Would be grateful if you could post this on your blog – I would like to know what people who have been in such situations have to say.

My husband and me had a love marriage – we are from different religions/caste/language and different states. We waited and fought for 3 years for approval from his side – which never came. He was given an ultimatum to go and lead his life or forget me and stay in the family. My husband chose the former and we have been so happy ever since. His folks (mom and 3 sisters & their husbands) gave more importance to society and relatives approval and “what will people say” rather than his happiness. But within a few months they back tracked and accepted him back into the household because his mom couldn’t be without seeing him. He lost his father a few years before we even became good friends… (and that also was brought in as a reason to oppose our union). His 3 elder sisters and family are cordial and warm to him. It’s going to be 10 yrs since we’ve been married, but I have not been accepted into the family. His nieces had not been told about his marriage, but as 4 of them grew into adults, they came to know of of the matter. But no one talks about it and the family prefers to brush anything regarding us under the carpet. “We” are never talked about, but assumptions are made by them on how we lead our life. We are more than happy to be away from all this family politics and orthodox values, superstitious beliefs etc.

Now coming to the real issue – his 1st niece is in the USA. She went there 3 yrs back to do her MS and is now working there. She is in love with her good friend there. He is of a different caste-and that is the only difference. She has known him for the last 3 years and they have been going steady for the past 1 year. He is a good boy, with equal education, a great job and from a good family. The last couple of months her parents have been pressurizing her with proposals and when she could take it no more, informed her mom about her love last month. The nightmares have started since then, her mom doing the crying, lamenting, not talking phases, emotional blackmail, threatens and everything else.

They are playing the caste card, the boy being a non-Brahmin. They claim that relatives will desert them, no one will talk to them, marriages of the other 5 girls (her own sister and 4 cousins) will be a problem, how will they face the world etc etc. Another important fact – “how can we agree for this when we opposed your Uncle’s marriage?”. The same accusations and reasons and fights that took place 13 yrs ago is repeating itself. Horoscope, society, caste and everything else matters more. None of them have changed even a bit. It’s like living through all that emotional abuse all over again. She has tried in all her conversations to explain that he will keep her happy and her happiness should be important for them and how their interests, goals and likes match and how they will make a good couple. But none of this matters – the parents say “our happiness should be more important to you than yours”!!!!

Another problem – this girl’s younger sister just got her visa for her MS and will be going to the same city that her sister stays. The parents and aunts (mother’s sisters) have started to blackmail and brainwash the younger one asking her how is she going to stay with her sister because she has fallen in love, she will not take care of you. Why can’t you not go there now, do your PG here in India”, etc etc. They are trying to turn the younger one against the older stating that “she is doing a favour by spending for you, because she wants our approval in return. She has become rude because she in earning in $’s in the USA” etc etc. The sisters are very close to each other and are stunned by this divide and rule and lies and twisting of stories from the parents side.

Both of them are not putting up their views very strongly fearing that their parents will not allow the younger one to travel. It’s another torture to listen to all the arguments and emotional abuse and blackmail and not voice their opinions.

A few days back the parents laid down conditions to the younger one – that if they send her to the USA

1. You have to go and try change your sister’s mind
2. You have to come back after 2 years of studies
3. You have to work and repay your study loan yourself (as in not take money from the elder one)
4. You cannot think of having a love marriage.

The parents are in a fix because the elder one will not be coming down to India anytime soon, because she just had her visa status changed. They feel she is so far away and is out of their hands, so they are trying to guilt trip her into accepting that because of what she did (falling in love) she is responsible for spoiling her sister’s future if her parents decide not to send her to the USA.

They are definitely not going to accept this and I fear the boy’s situation would become the same as mine – a son-law who’s not accepted though they might accept the daughter back, in case they go ahead and get married by themselves.

All the years of growing up, achieving in studies, being a good child – all this apparently becomes of no use because you fall in love and choose your own partner. Why is it that parents think that their happiness lies in only whom their children marry whom they are told to marry? They do everything for their children, but when the real time comes to support them in their happiness, they back out and and blame the children for misusing their trust and freedom.

I want your readers to please advice on what they should do and how should they react to all this emotional drama and assumptions and mental torture. There might be many who have been through such situations…..I need their expert advice.

Note –
1. These are not some illiterate, from the village type parents. These are educated and young parents in their 50’s.
2. The boy’s side is very liberal and broad minded. His sister also had a love marriage and there is no problem from the boy’s side.

Thanks in advance to you IHM and all your readers.

Related Posts:

LOVE – Is it a Crime?

Against your child’s happiness

An email: I want my parents to know the real me, why do I have to lie?

Why do we hear concerned voices about ‘misuse of freedom’ the moment we talk about Freedom?

‘We grew up in a very liberal family. We knew what our limits were and our focus was our education. We never betrayed our parents.’

What do you find offensive enough to make you violent?

The only way to control violence and rioting is by controlling those who are violent – those who burn buses, or kill or attack other people (no matter what they claim ‘provoked’ them).

Same as rape. The only way to prevent sexual assaults is by controlling those who commit these assaults. No matter what they claim ‘provoked’ them.

Same as thefts. Murders. Child abuse. The only way to control any crime is to control those who commit the crime.

And for this we must acknowledge that Violence is the crime – not dissent, disagreements, western-clothing, wealth, poverty or ignorance.

So this is not going to control violence. It might do the opposite. It might suppress voices and create a sense of entitlement in those who see violence as a legitimate means to express disagreement.

Maharashtra police to crack whip on those who ‘like’ offensive Facebook posts

MUMBAI: In an attempt to contain protests over objectionable posts on a social networking site about Chhatrapati Shivaji, Dr Babasaheb Ambedkar and the late Shiv Sena chief Bal Thackeray, the Maharashtra police have decided to take action even against those who ‘like’ the controversial posts.

Those who ‘like’ such posts will be booked under the Information Technology Act and under the Code of Criminal Procedure, the Nanded police have said. A person could face three to five years in jail if convicted under Section 66 (a) of the IT Act (punishment for sending offensive messages through communication service, etc), applied in this case.

 

It seems just like we tolerate rape-apologists deciding who is to blame for rapes, now we are letting Violence-Apologists decide who is to be blamed for violence. (FB-likes in this case)

😦

What do you find offensive enough to make you violent? Is it legal for you to be offended enough to get violent?

I gave it a lot of thought, and I think the only thing that can make me violent is defence from violence.

But then it seems there are some people who tend to get violent – what should be their legal rights? Should they have The  Right to Take Offence? And should those who offend them risk being jailed?

Related Posts:

“Tell me will you ever think of putting any posts on facebook after this?” “No.”

Who defines the ‘limits’ of your freedom?

Is Democracy possible without a chance for everyone to argue about issues that matter to them?

So who said these words, and do you disagree?

What is it that you would never blog about?

Freedom of expression comes with responsibility. The responsibility to protect it from censorship.

Are u ok if ur daughter smokes at 24yrs to express herself? Freedom of expression is quite quite difficult to practice.

Why do we hear concerned voices about ‘misuse of freedom’ the moment we talk about Freedom?

When Kumar Vishwas quoted these lines from my sidebar 🙂

Trying to understand a blogger’s legal rights and responsibilities.

“I think my mum believed that you shouldn’t agree to everything your child says for she will go out of hands.”

Sharing an email.

“I think most problems in life are when we look for approval and validation outside of ourselves.”

I was a girl who had to fight tooth and nail for my choice. The way I dress, the way I remain non-religious in a conservative ****** family, the way I chose my stream, the way I chose how to have fun…

It was because I think my mum believed that you shouldn’t agree to everything your child says for she will go out of hands. May be that is why I had to start asking my mum atleast a week ago even if it’s permission to watch a movie with friends.

Things changed after going to Chennai and then to Delhi for highers. I started doing things without asking until an incident taught me that I’d better inform even if I didnt get permission. And surprise surprise. Permissions, Oks and YES cam easily from my parents.

Movies, road trips, dine outs, parties… Ok mole (Beta). The hours I spent trying to put together point for arguing with my mumm wasn’t needed at all.

It was disconcerting rather than liberating. Suspicious even. My parents accepting that their daughter is actually grown up? Last week we made a sudden plan to go to Goa. “Mumm, I am going to Goa.” “Ok Mole… Enjoy”. Huh!!???

Am I so tuned to her disapproval, fights with parents but uncomfortable with this liberation? Or do I need time to get used to it. Is this what you are calling ‘seeking validation’?

Of course when I come home, she makes comments on how I dress, about behaving like a good Indian ****** girl etc etc. It’s back to the same ‘trying to control’ when I come home on occasional weekends.

Do Indian girls find it hard to accept liberation even when they have it? Arghh I need a reality check!!!

– Nidaa

* * *

Related Posts:

When Discipline Becomes Abuse : Why I need Feminism

“Sometimes it seems like every single thing I do has the potential to be something ‘provocative’.”

Language:English; Culture:Cosmopolitan.

‘We grew up in a very liberal family. We knew what our limits were and our focus was our education. We never betrayed our parents.’

Are these trolls, pretending to be grateful Indian daughters of parents who ‘gave them freedom’ and who are quick to believe that a thirteen year old ‘betrayed her parents’ trust’ – something they claim, as good Indian daughters, they would never do? 

It seems the Noida police has (with no evidence) convinced many that there can be only one ‘motive’ when a girl child is killed, and it involves a ‘compromising position’. And it is, as always, the victim’s fault.

Why was it so easy for a story like this to be believed? Do we just believe whatever the police (or anybody) says? Or do many see the police version as a validation of their suspicions of what ‘westernisation can do to the society’? Or is it that many Indians have placed themselves in the Noida police version of the Talwars’ position and ‘understood’ the murders?

Please note: Liberal family, knew our limits, good morals, our parents approved of, never betrayed our parents, taking advantage of her parents’ absence, murdering is not the answer, ‘Sex life as normal’, ‘western life style’. Sharing two comments from from here: Aarushi case: Court awards life sentence to Talwars

1.

I am a girl, grew up in a very liberal family. I & my sister both chose our life partners and our parents approved of that. But we both knew what our limits were and our focus was our education. Our parent’s focus was to earn, provide us what they could and give us good morals. They did their job, we did ours. We are professionals today. We had friends (boys and girls) but we never betrayed our parents. In this case, Aarushi was wrong, taking advantage of her parent’s absence, parents were wrong probably trying to spend most of their time at their clinic and (of course they were doing it for their only child!!), but they forgot, she needed their time more than their money. Where is this society going? Where are our kids going? Why are we not involved in their lives as our parents were? I have a daughter and such incidents really scare me as a mother. Aarushi’s murder can not be justified, but I can also imagine a parent’s rage, anger when he/she saw their barely teenage daughter in a compromised position with a much older man (doesnt matter a domestic help or anyone else). In the end, everyone lost…… but in my opinion, the 13 year old girl is old enough to understand her actions and what can it do!! To avoid any other Aarushis, parents need to start getting more involved in their children’s lives and probably have a better after school arrangements for their children who are under a particular age…… It is a sad day, the whole family is finished…… but we all can learn something from this….. parents and children!!!!

2.

Here is some more advice for parents of Indian children daughters. It’s possible that both the comments were made by the same troll.  Parents in India need to come to terms with REAL WORLD. Teenage girls normally get into this sort of relations easily.Whilst the parents should take all caren to avoid it murdering the children once they find out about this is not the answer. We take great pleasure when our children follow western life style (even speaking English in western accent) we should also anticipate that children are prone to follow the western way of living. They watch what is happening around the world. Treat sex life Sex life as normal. Every one likes it when it comes to them but become moral guardians when it refers to others.

Edited to add:

I shared these comments here because I find this mindset difficult to understand – there seems to be no idea in so many minds that a 13 year old is a child and any sex with her by any adult is child abuse and rape.

Even the blaming of the parents is not without some sympathy for the only option they are seen to have – to kill her.

And those who believe this somehow see themselves as ‘liberal’?

Many also seem convinced that perfectly normal people can be provoked into violence, and brutal, cold blooded killings. There is no effort to find out if the parents had a history of violence.

I also wonder how many people think this way, nearly everybody I know is saddened by this verdict, nobody seems to believe that anything has been proven in this case – then who is making all these comments?

Related Posts:

Haryana killing : Here is a father A P Singh might want to defend.

“This man is openly threatening his daughter and is instigating others to burn alive their daughters.”

Indian family values are good for Indian daughters?

Only when raising ideal daughters in law is not their goal, would Indian parents be able enjoy having and bringing up girl children.

“See – UNICEF has figured it out. It doesn’t take rocket science to figure out.”

Nupur and Rajesh Talwar convicted under sections 302 (murder), 201 and 34 (common intention)

Aarushi Talwar’s parents.

Who do you think killed Aarushi Talwar?

Honor killing or Police trying to save it’s ‘honour’?

Do you remember this murdered couple who made a ‘dramatic reappearance’?

What do dented-painted women and disco-going protesters understand about a rape victim’s loss of honor?