“It was OK for her to say ‘no’ after saying ‘yes’? Saying ‘yes’ doesn’t mean a blanket sanction to any sexual activity.”

A Guest Post by Freebird.

I came across this other post: I Got Raped With My Consent. That Will Always Be The Most Horrible Memory Of My Life

I don’t think consensual sex which doesn’t involve any coercion should be treated as rape at any cost. So I find the statement ‘I said ‘yes’ but it was ’emotional rape” very contradictory.

But what I didn’t understand, and do find disturbing, is this:

In this story, why didn’t this girl ever realize that it was OK for her to say ‘no’after saying ‘yes’? Saying ‘yes’ doesn’t mean a blanket sanction to any sexual activity. It is perfectly right to set boundaries, or ask the other person to stop when she was getting uncomfortable. If he was hurting her and she was in pain, why isn’t it clear that she had every right to tell him to stop hurting her and not engage in things which were painful to her? And the moment this message is conveyed clearly and if he still carries on, it does becomes ‘rape’ (not an esoteric ’emotional rape’). Whether it can be proved or not is a different issue. That doesn’t change the fact that it is rape when the other person is violating your boundaries.

Related Posts:

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Rapist said that coming from Afghanistan meant he didn’t understand what ‘consent’ was.

‘Madam so many rapes don’t happen in Germany coz girls don’t refuse to have sex.’

Making Marital Rape a legal offence is the fastest way to make it clear that Rape means forced sex, not lost Virginity or Honor.

Forced intercourse in marriage not rape: Delhi court

Forcible sex with wife doesn’t amount to marital rape: Court

“Girls should be married at 16, so that they don’t need to go elsewhere for their sexual needs. This way rapes will not occur.”

What makes Men Rape? – Do read.

The rapists often don’t see their actions as crimes, the police said, and don’t expect the victims to report them.

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Triya charitram, Purushasya bhagyam, Devo Na Janati, Kuto Manushya…

Making Marital Rape a legal offence is the fastest way to make it clear that Rape means forced sex.

‘The woman said she was inebriated when a co-worker took her to a room and raped her.’

So how does Delhi – NCR Police define Rape?

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When they don’t even understand crime… 

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Marriage Sacred in India, So Marital Rape Does Not Apply: Government

Live in Relationships continue to be safer for Indian women. [Marriage Vs Live in Relationships : Twelve points to note.]

Marriage Sacred in India, So Marital Rape Does Not Apply: Government 

“It is considered that the concept of marital rape, as understood internationally, cannot be suitably applied in the Indian context due to various factors, including level of education, illiteracy, poverty, myriad social customs and values, religious beliefs, mindset of the society to treat marriage as a sacrament,” Minister of State for Home, Haribhai Parathibhai Chaudhary said in the Rajya Sabha.

He was replying to a written question by DMK’s K Kanimozhi, who had asked whether the government was planning to amend the law to make marital rape a crime. She had also asked whether the UN Committee on Elimination of Discrimination Against Women had recommended to India that marital rape should be criminalised.

On the contrary, permitting Marital Rape makes it impossible for Indians (rich or poor, educated or illiterate) to understand that sex without consent is rape. It makes the society view sex as something men are entitled to, and something that the society owes them.

Poverty and illiteracy do not make men view rape misogynistically  – Patriarchy does. Patriarchy defines rape as a crime against the owners of the person raped. ( for e.g. the victim’s future husband whose property/honor is attacked; or the male members of her community).

The ‘concept of marital rape, as understood internationally’ is actually the easiest to understand – Sex without consent is Rape. Making Marital Rape a crime would make all Indians understand this international definition the most easily. (It’s common sense actually, if viewed without Patriarchal glasses)

Once we view rape as a violent crime, like stabbing or an acid attack – we will see why being poor or illiterate doesn’t make it easier to live with threat of being sexually assaulted.

Also consider, ‘Myriad social customs and values, religious beliefs’ are all meant to enrich and empower, not threaten the society and empower the violent or abusive.

Also ‘social customs’ allowed infanticide, male child preference, dowry and widow burning, our ancestors had the wisdom to see them as inhuman crimes.

The ‘mindset of the society to treat marriage as a sacrament’ leads to women being raised as future daughters in law.

It leads to almost half the population being raised to view Getting Married, Staying Married or Die Trying as their goal in life. And we know this leads to male child preference, dowry, sex selection, skewed gender ratio and lack of value and respect for women in our society.

Four things that can change the mindset mentioned above:

1. Define lack of consent as rape.

2. Acknowledge Marital Rape is a crime.

3. Law for fair division of Marital assets in case of divorce or separation (to make it easier for victims to walk out of abusive marriages).

4. Ban forced marriages, and child marriages. Make it easier for young adults to walk away from semi-forced marriages.

5. Make it easier for women to walk out of abusive or unhappy marriages.

Related Posts:

India leads in sexual violence, worst on gender equality: Study

Five rapists in Patna want to marry gangrape victim.

Three thoughts on Bhag Milkha Bhag.

“In my own company in a cosmopolitan city, I know women who were horrified on the First Night.”

Refusal to have sex during honeymoon is not cruelty: Bombay high court

Who will benefit from criminalising sexual assaults within marriages?

Would this crime have been reported if he had mercilessly raped her but not sodomised her?

A comment- ‘Reverse the gender, and it is marital rape.’

Rapist groom should have waited a little to satiate his lusty desires without problems which he has got into.

For Victims and Survivors of Marital Rapes.

Where Consensual Sex is Rape, and Forced Sex a legal right.

Forcible sex with wife doesn’t amount to marital rape: Court

Forced intercourse in marriage not rape: Delhi court

Panchayat orders girl to marry her rapist because one way to make a Rape right is to make it Marital Rape.

What do you think of these doubts regarding recognition of marital rape as a crime?

“Instituting the idea of marital rape raises the specter of a man going for long periods without sex even though he’s married!”

Making Marital Rape a legal offence is the fastest way to make it clear that Rape means forced sex, not lost Virginity or Honor.

 

 

‘Rape is theft of the victim’s potential to fulfil her destiny from birth, the pivot of her existence, her marriage.’

Why is rape considered the most hated of crimes?

Patriarchal concepts of honor, blame, shame and silence have trivialised the physical trauma that the victim goes through. The mental trauma is trivialised as loss of honor. 

Survivors of most other kinds of physical trauma (disease, burns, acid attacks, amputation etc) are not silenced or shamed. They are not told that they have to ‘live with the scars’ or that their lives are ‘shattered’. In contrast, these survivors are seen as inspiration for others. 

Since rape is seen as an attack on honor – the physical injuries are not even taken into consideration. The ideas of loss of virginity and loss of marriage opportunity become the focus of the crime.

Everything about the crime, the way it is reported, tolerated, condemned or blamed on the victims results from this patriarchal focus on shame, blame and entitlement. And the need for a woman to get married. 

Ratan Kongara shared this.

I am a regular on your blog, and wanted to share the following link with you:

Dhaula Kuan gang-rape: Court turns down request for leniency to convicts

We should question the assumption that her worth to society is determined by her ability to get married. That being attacked means she will be unable to function as a member of society.

Dogma says the crime was not the forced attack on her physical being but rather at her worth to society. After the crime she loses her value as a person. She can’t have dreams, hopes or ambition.  The crime is theft of the potential to fulfil her destiny from birth, the pivot of her existence, her marriage. The crime isn’t a a physical attack against her. This kind of thinking needs to be challenged. 

“the incident shatters her life and dreams in a violent manner. Her marriage prospects diminish to a large extent and she finds it unable to engage in routine job…”

http://www.thehindu.com/news/cities/Delhi/dhaula-kuan-gangrape-court-turns-down-request-for-leniency-to-convicts/article6522519.ece?homepage=true

– Ratan Kongara

Related Posts:

What makes Men Rape?

Forced intercourse in marriage not rape: Delhi court

How do verdicts and laws like this one influence the way sexual assaults are seen by most Indians?

Forced intercourse in marriage not rape: Delhi court

A Delhi court has acquitted a man accused of raping his wife, stating that forced intercourse with a woman does not amount to rape if she is married to the accused.

“The parties being husband and wife, the sexual intercourse between the two does not come within the ambit of the offence of rape, even if the same was against the will and consent of the victim,”

So do sexual criminals feel safe when they are married to the people they assault? Is that why Five rapists in Patna wanted to marry gangrape survivor?

Is this how legalising marital rape prevents the Institution of Marriage from being destroyed? [link]

Since sexual assaults are not legally permitted to live in partners, then aren’t women safer from sexual assaults (and other things, like threats of divorce, dowry demands, pressure to bear male children etc) in Live in Relationships than in marriages?

But while the rest might be true – sexual assaults in Live in Relationships continue to be defined in Patriarchal terms. Meaning – a sexual assault in a Live-in Relationship continues to be seen, not as an assault on the person but as an attack on the rights of the future husband [link].

Which is why, Making Marital Rape a legal offence is the fastest way to make it clear that Rape means forced sex, not lost Virginity or Honor.

Related Posts:

Refusal to have sex during honeymoon is not cruelty: Bombay high court

Who will benefit from criminalising sexual assaults within marriages?

Would this crime have been reported if he had mercilessly raped her but not sodomised her?

A comment- ‘Reverse the gender, and it is marital rape.’

Rapist groom should have waited a little to satiate his lusty desires without problems which he has got into.

For Victims and Survivors of Marital Rapes.

Where Consensual Sex is Rape, and Forced Sex a legal right.

Forcible sex with wife doesn’t amount to marital rape: Court