“My Mil never likes to cook. They have maid at home who does most of the cooking cleaning stuff.”

Sharing an email. 

Do you think there are some expectations here, from the mother in law? If yes, then are those expectations fair?

What if the mother in law had a career or any other interests, or health issues, and there were no other relatives, …female relatives, who could come and cook for the couple?

Who doesn’t seem to be feeling any guilt in this email? Why is that so? 

Hi IHM

I frequently visit your blog.I am an avid reader of your blog. Almost all the topics touches a chord some where.

I m writing about a problem to get suggestions and inputs from bloggers here.

I work with a MNC married for one and half year. Now I am carrying three months. Initially all was good and we both were so happy. My Mil came to take care of me.

First few weeks I was not feeling like eating. Then slowly as pregnancy progress I took interest in simple daal subji chawal but served hot. This is difficult for my Mil.  She never like to cook. They have maid at home who does most of the cooking cleaning stuff.

I work in shifts so can cook only one time.

Now also due to weakness I found it is exhausting to stand and cook. But the truth is I don’t like her food. Sometimes it is good but most of the time she serve cold afternoon food.

And she won’t cook until you feel hungry.

Now I am feeling hungry too frequently.I need small stuff but in regular three four hr interval.

All these needs are not getting fulfilled.most of the time I eat office canteen food or outside snacks resulting severe gas and acidity.

Now I am cooking little things for my self but get tired soon. In all these my husband feels bad that I don’t like his mama’s food. His side is she could not cook now, still she is trying. So I should not complain. In reality I am not complaining for food. I started cooking but I complain of tiredness.

This could be a minor issue but at this time I feel like I m not getting enough nutritious food.

Otherwise I can eat all types of food. Don’t complain much.

Can anyone give valuable suggestion please.

Related Posts:

‘How I am going to manage two toddlers, work, home, chores etc etc without any physical and moral support from my in laws?’

If I made Baghban.

“After all, why do we as kids, feel so entitled to our mother’s time, indeed her entire life and personality?”

Why do men NOT have to choose between being a CEO and a father, but women have to make this choice.

How are mothers treated in Indian culture?

Mommy Guilt: A Western Influence.

Marriage Advice from the 1950s that is Definitely Outdated

A regular Indian girl shared this link.

Marriage Advice from the 1950s that is Definitely Not Outdated

Was this advice ever helpful – if yes, then who did it help?

Did this advice empower those who it was given to (or enforced upon)? Or did it give some other people the power to control the lives and choices of those who were expected to follow this advice?

Did it in anyway ensure they were treated like equal humans, with basic human rights and dignities?

Was this advice practical, fair and logical?

Does such advice create the impression that marriage is something that happens to women alone?

Advice #1: Family is your topmost priority

In the 50s, family was the most important part of a person’s life. Couples, especially women, were taught to prioritise family over career. This was perhaps one aspect that kept families together.

IHM:  In the 50s and even today, our ‘family values’ ensure that many women do not have much choice in what is their top most priority.

Perhaps, the advice that the society (and not just the women) need is to marry only if they want to marry, and only those who they want to marry, only when they want to marry and to remain married only as long as it makes them happy.

If you consider the present scenario, where professional and personal desires and achievements have taken a higher priority, broken marriages have also become rampant.

IHM: ‘Broken marriages’ should be seen as an indication that those involved had the freedom, courage and opportunity to make new beginnings.

Perhaps the society needs to be advised that the purpose of human life is not to save Institutions, the purpose of Institutions (including the Institution of Marriage) is help humans live better lives. 

Advice #2: You are married to the family, and not just to your spouse

… the younger generation was trained to accept, love and respect every member of the spouse’s family. Women considered it as their foremost duty to be a good wife, a good daughter-in-law, good sister-in-law and a good mother. Men in turn reciprocated and treated the wife’s family as their own.

IHM: If daughters were seen as children instead of future daughters in law, future wives and future mothers, the society would not see raising them as a challenge.  

If there is one advice Indian society needs today, it is to see and to raise their children as as their own children, not as paraya dhan and budhape ka sahara. This alone can help ‘save the girl child’.

So long as we  look at women as saviours of Institutions, culture, family name, family honor, or as future mothers of male heirs, future daughters in law – Indian would continue to pray, fast, sex select, kill, wish and bless (etc) for male children. 

Advice #3: Marriage is for life

… instead of throwing around the D-word (divorce!), think that marriage is for keeps! Marriage is a “forever bond”, and that is how it should be approached.

IHM: The society and ‘log’ should be aware that sometimes relationships don’t work and that is not a failure or end of happiness for those involved. 

Also, expecting women to stay married when they are unhappy, just to ‘save the marriage’ or to create a good impression on other people (log) was never a good advice. 

Nobody should stay married because they dread the D-word – if two people stay married it should be because that’s what they both want to do

Advice #4: Tolerance and acceptance are the keys to a successful marriage

One of the most profound advices that people in the 50s received was to set aside their egos and personal prejudices, and develop the virtues of tolerance and acceptance. When parents chose partner for their child, they always gave the highest priority to these values, so that the new member could easily adjust to not just their spouse, but the family as well.

IHM: Tolerance and acceptance can make it easier to deal with most situations, relationships or just life in general – specially when we have no way to change the said situations.

But.

In the past many women did not have the option to refuse to ‘tolerate’ and they had to ‘accept’ whatever ‘fate’ (or family elders, community, in laws, Patriarchy etc) decided for them.

Not sure if that was an advice or a lack of options. 

And finally:

Look around at your grandparent’s generation, their love and respect for one another; certainly not everything that happened in the days of yore is outdated!

IHM: This is romanticisation. The fact is many grand parents feel their children (frequently sons) are the only ‘glue in their relationships’. 

The equality between the husband and wife is also more pronounced now. But, the rate of divorces in India is also on a rise today, mainly because of incompatibility and ego issues between the spouses. Perhaps, the younger generation should take a leaf out of yore; and learn to accept, love and respect each other like the people in the 50s did.

IHM: And ‘incompatibility’ is not a good reason for divorce? 

What do you think does ‘ego issues’ mean here? Whose ‘ego’? 

An email: “We dont want our sons to suffer because there will saas bahu drama in the house do we?”

An acquaintance was upset because, she said, her friend’s mother in law was ‘harassing her’. She described the situation in detail. The daughter in law seemed to be going through a difficult time, and it seemed that it was only going to get worse.
IHM: She could tell her, very politely ofcourse, to stop interfering?
The acquaintance: That would be disrespectful!!
IHM: But this would continue if she doesn’t.
The acquaintance: She can’t be rude to her mother in law – saying something to the mother in law is totally unacceptable in their family!!
IHM: But then how is she to deal with this? Spend days and nights plotting counter attacks in the same indirect ways, like in saas bahu serials!!?
The acquaintance: Her husband respects her because she is never rude to his mother. She has his support, she will have to show courage and fortitude.
IHM: She has his support? Is he going to talk to his mother then?
The acquaintance: He can’t discuss such matters, or talk back to his mother!
IHM: But you said that he does see that the wife is being harassed?
The acquaintance: Yes. He understands. She has earned his love and respect with her forbearance.
IHM: So she can’t talk to the mother in law because the husband would not allow that? And the husband also can’t talk to his mother?
The acquaintance He can’t get into women’s squabbles.
IHM: What if she decides not to ask for his help, and deals with the matter in her own way?
The acquaintance : That’s unthinkable!! He would not tolerate that.
That’s how Patriarchy works. 
I remembered the conversation when I read the email below. How can their be harmony, when those who supposed to create harmony are not permitted to choose who to harmonise with and how? 
How would you respond to this email?
 
Sorry I don’t know much about you or your website. Just know that it is a sort of advice center were some sensible people give solutions to Indian type problems.
I don’t have a problem just wanted to say I am getting married soon. To the person I love for the last 4 years. (I am 23) but I can see that my future mother in law will be hell with her attitude and other nonsense as well my sasurals constant nonsense but I don’t care about that since my would be husband is a very loving man and will get our own place soon after marriage in a few months.
All I wanted to see that we all ladies are going to be future mother in laws soon. (Well maybe in 30/40 years time)
Are we going to treat aur daughter in laws the same way that most MIls torture their DILs? I hope not…
We dont want them to be treated the way we have or will be treated…right?
We dont want our sons to suffer becuase there will saas bahu drama in the house do we?
I dont want them to be my bhuddape ka sahahary as I very well can support myself in coming 50 years. I will respect each and every decision of the future couple.
I will want to respect my dil and she will respect me back and I hope we will having a loving relationship.
I just want the opinions of your advisors to see how the the future generations of mother in laws will be like.
Can we expect a better future ahead with no constant bricking in each household?
A_K
Related Posts:

An email from a Mother in law.

Sharing an email. 

Hi,

I am V. I need your honest opinion on the following about my family:
A month ago my only son got married (arranged one) to a working girl. Till today he is transferring his salary to his father’s (my hubby) bank account excluding his monthly expenses. Whenever any need arises for money he use to communicate to his father nicely and there was no misunderstanding between them. All his shopping bills, credit card bill are paid by his father only. For better future my hubby has invested considerable amount in various investment schemes on our son’s name and its entire yearly premium being paid by his father. My son trusts his parents. We are very happy family and consider my son’s wife as our own daughter and we have told on her arrival at our home. We believe that she also considers us as her parents. Two days back my DIL received her first salary (INR 30K) after the marriage. She informed my son that we should open joint bank account so I can transfer the salary. She also set a condition that 15% of the amount of her salary will be invested in Recurring Deposit on her own parents name and 50% of the amount will be utilized by self also no amount will be given to IL unless they plan to purchase another separate house for them. Actually we own big 2BHK flat in prime location of the Mumbai city with all amenities and that too very near to her office. Also they are getting full privacy and already been given separate bedroom with attached toilet, TV, AC etc. etc. Now main thing is that my hubby is retiring after few months. He was getting huge salary and we were enjoying our life plentifully. There is no question of pension as he is working in private firm. My son is against the decision of his wife as mentioned above. We also feel hurt and disappointed on her decision. We will be facing big financial crisis post my hubby’s retirement. Kindly let me know how we can resolve the issue amicably without hurting our DIL and only son.

Related Posts:

If I made Baghban.

Do you see a connection between this murder and the assault in Guwahati?

Do you see a connection between this 20 year old kicked to death by her spouse and another one raped by a husband, his neighbours and other strangers for four years? Or another one whose husband padlocked her genitals?

And the 36 Biradari Panchayat and the 19 year old kicked out of a train in Karnataka and several other acts of misogyny?

Can a ban on sex selection alone end deep rooted and culturally approved misogyny, when we allow it in so many other subtle ways…?  Like not making accountable, ignorant and irresponsible statements that allow random criminals to make rules for how women should live, dress, drink, work, get pregnant, have sex, withhold consent, look, keep their genitals pure and fair for their pati parmeshwar, be beaten, adjust, marry and stay married etc?

Do you see a connection between the society controlling women’s lives, rights and freedoms and their being less wanted and valued by their own families?

Husband kills wife because she gave birth to second daughter

COIMBATORE: In a shocking incident, a 22-year-old youth killed his 20-year-old wife near Kanuvai on Thursday for giving birth to a female baby last month.

The accused, S Pandiaraj, reportedly kicked his wife, G Nagajothi, in the abdomen repeatedly on Wednesday night and by Thursday morning she started to vomit blood. She breathed her last at a private hospital near Kanuvai. Police have arrested Pandiaraj and his mother, Dhanti, 50, in connection with the incident. [read more]

Do you see how each little act of misogyny leads to another Indian woman being killed at some stage of her life – in her mother’s womb, in public transport or in her marital home…?

An email: I cannot bend to my FIL’s greed … but I don’t want to break up a family (mine) …

Sharing an email. 

Hi,

Hoping you can help some.

Its been 3 years since I have been married. Have an 18 month old daughter, a home loan for 30 lakh and a car loan for 7 lakh. In-laws have never helped from day 1; instead have found every reason to try and squeeze as money as possible (the entire amount spent for the marriage was mine – we even printed out the invite cards for them).

Despite that, father in law (FIL) has shown as much respect as you would for an unwelcome cockroach in your home. He despises my widow mother, and
still sniggers at what I had told him pre-marriage (I’d told him that I would support my younger brother in his studies if needed …. a different story that the brother hasn’t touched a rupee from me – has chosen to work and study at the same time).

My husband is the only guy who is educated beyond 10th grade in that family, as they are a religious family. They have believed in pooja-paath and such training more than actual education. We earn enough to make a pretty decent living.

He has hated me, and my daughter even before my daughter was born. In
fact, when we got married and my co-sister gave birth to a baby boy, my FIL told us proudly that his “dynasty” never produced girls (as though girls were beneath them) – if there was ever a girl, it wasn’t their sperm, but our egg to blame.

He hadn’t seen my daughter until a few days ago. we took her to him when she was born, and he refused to even look at my child. He goes around telling people that he wants to get his son married a second time, as his daughter in law “cannot beget sons”.

Recently my tyrant MIL passed away (she had tried to make my life as close to hell as possible when she was alive); my BIL and co-sister walked out on my father-in-law due to some money related disputes. Now, since he is
left all alone, he wants us to move to his home (he had thrown us out of his home when I was suffering from a miscarriage; he told us that “this” (miscarriage or no children) would happen to those who angered him. He had given us a 15 day notice to find a new home and move, before he slapped a legal notice on us. It was a terrible time for us – as all the money I had was spent on my marriage, and my husband had practically no savings, having given every single rupee to his parents and brother; imagine coming up with 5 lakh in a week. At the end of it, weren’t even left with enough money to buy an asprin for the next couple of months).

Now, he wants us in his home – just so that he can get more money out
of us. I made it clear that I don’t want to go back to him house – a home where neither I nor my daughter is respected. My husband grudgingly agreed. But now, the FIL wants my husband to buy the house for 40 Lakh.

The FIL had put the house up for sale a couple of times earlier, but with no go. Now he wants to get rid of this house and get the money, so he wants my husband to buy it.

My husband will not be able to take a loan by himself, and both the
father and son know it. We already have taken loan, and the daughter will
begin school in a year, so we need money for her donation etc., they
have to make me take the loan as a co-applicant. I don’t want to do
this, and I have told my husband this. I want to earn only for my daughter – everyone else comes a distant second. the rational part of my husband’s brain understands this and agrees to it.

However, the FIL is brainwashing my husband every day, every minute.
Each night we lay next to each other, and I tell him why it will be a bad idea – and he agrees. Every evening the next day, he comes back from office and tries to convince me how much his father needs the money (his father already has enough money to last a lifetime in his bank account. The interest from one account itself earns him 12K) and now he wants us to buy the house so that the house his father built “stays within the family”.

I am tired of this tug-of-war. I am tired of talking the same things over and over again, and building up the tension between the both of us. My husband is usually a sane and rational man; and takes good care of me and my daughter. I don’t want to give it up (though if it comes to that, I am not scared of walking out) – just because his father is brainwashing him.

I don’t want to fight – because that will only push him more towards what his father wants. All my FIL wants now, is for his son to stay with him; and to give him all his money the way he used to pre-marriage. Having said that – I don’t want to go through this every day, I am living in the constant anxiety about what the FIL has said to my husband that will make him go all ballistic on me.

What should I do? I am a non-confrontational sort of a person, who hates to fight for more than an hour or two. I usually compromise because I don’t want my home to be a battlefield. Now I feel that – if I don’t fight for my right and my daughters’ what will I fight for?

What is the use of my parents’ upbringing? And then I think if I fight, and if his father wins, my daughter will have to live either with a single parent or in a broken dysfunctional home. I don’t want that either.

I do know one thing though – my father was a lower middle class man, who ignored his needs and wants, and that of his wife’s – heck he ignored his diabetes and his wife’s arthritis just so that his daughter could get a decent education.

My mother had always regretted not being financially  independent, and has ingrained the need for the same into me. I cannot throw all that away just like that. I cannot throw away the courage and strength my parents have imparted to me; I cannot bend t o my FIL’s greed … but I don’t want to break up a family (mine) and leave my kid bereft of what I had – a set of loving parents because one old man is being manipulative.

Please help.

She chose to get pregnant so that she can miss all the work, enjoy attention and eat to her heart’s content.

So here’s someone with a different perspective to this post, How are mothers treated in Indian culture?

How would you respond to their views?

Below is their response, in their own words.

“Let me put a different perspective here… (doesn’t mean u r wrong in any way)

There are women who don’t like what they are expected to do.. for example i know an average scoring gal who was engaged to a topper guy who belongs to a family of toppers… Now this gal had already lost a year. She was forced by her parents to take up engineering in the first place. Now her in-laws were expected her to be a topper. She had got married when there was one year remaining for her engineering to complete. She chose to get pregnant while she was still studying so that after engineering her in-laws will not taunt or question her why she is not a topper in her college.

Another woman I know is not passionate about anything.. No passion to study or do anything.. She is not interested in cooking too. She was from a house where no one told her or ordered her to work. When she got married, she did not know even to prepare tea. She got married into a house where she had to stay with her husband’s parents, unmarried brother and unmarried sister. Apart from this, there was a lot of work as her family runs on just one grocery story. She chose to get pregnant (in fact she missed her first period after wedding) so that she can miss all the work, enjoy attention and eat to her heart’s content.

What would you say about these woman?

I am saying again, I know both the women and their in-laws family closely.. They are really good people.. But every gal after getting married cant be sitting like a guest right? Obviously they will have to help a bit.. It will be rude if her mother-in-law slogs to prepare food for all and the daughter-in-law just stays in her room all the time or watches tv.

First case:
The in-laws are nice and the husband too.. They had only one thing to crib about which is the topper thing. That too because their son had been stubborn he wanted to marry this gal. They are too rich and none of the women in the house get to do the household chores.. There are many servants in the house..

Second case:
The gal’s brother got her married to this house.”

Possibly Related Post:

It seems getting pregnant is not the only thing Indian women do with ulterior motives:
Dying statements of vengeful women settling scores by attempting suicide.

Are these the eight reasons you would give in support of Arranged Marriages?

Link and email shared by Swarup Biswas.

Hi IHM,
The reason I’m writing you is that all my life I’ve noticed what epic failures (among other things) most arranged marriages are but how little the mainstream media does to discourage this generally bigoted practice.

I just read this picture article at iDiva which is referenced by TOI’s main page and cannot believe what they were thinking when they painted such a utopian image of arranged marriages.

Judging by their articles and choice of topics I believe most iDiva readers are impressionable young women who might be misguided by this miscarriage of journalistic ethics with disastrous consequences. It contains statements such as ‘In most arranged marriages, the in-laws become a support system for the new bride and help her get accustomed with her new life’ amongst many other such unsubstantiated claims. Personally I detest the propagation of this outdated and archaic system that treats women like some commodity. I just thought I’d bring it to your notice.

Link: http://idiva.com/photogallery-relationships/8-reasons-to-have-an-arranged-marriage/12492/1

The eight reasons that the article above gives for having an arranged marriage are,

1. …And in a negotiated marriage, family support is a given.

2. If the marriage demands the girl to stay with her in-laws, it is more likely that they will make her feel comfortable as they have already ‘approved’ of her.

3. The process … involves understanding each other’s cultural interests apart from individual views and opinions about life in general.

4. Financial Security: Unlike a love marriage where financial security of the groom is not always a priority, in an arranged marriage, it is imperative that the bride’s family ensure that their would-be son-in-law is career-oriented and has a steady flow of income.

5. Mystery element: Each day is a surprise wherein the couple learn about the nitty gritty of the relationship and also take an effort to nurture it.

6. Dating opportunity: Once the alliance is arranged, the boy and girl are officially allowed to meet and know more about each other.

7. Spoilt for choice:  Ever heard of Swayamvar, an ancient Indian practice of choosing a husband from among a list of suitors?

8. In-laws syndrome: Since both the parties are way too involved in finding the right match and also the actual activity of marriage, it takes the load off the bride-to-be and gives her time to get comfortable in her new surroundings.

Edited to add: Kiran Manral shared this link on twitter, a ninth reason given, very commonly, to have an arranged marriage.
Divorce rate high in love marriages: HC

Related Posts:

An email: So my chances of finding a groom through the arranged marriage system seem very-very bleak…
An email: If I am wrong in any way, please advise me a suitable course of action as I feel miserable..
A detailed check list of conditions from modern young women of marriageable age.
A marriage arranged by the parents is better because they have experience.
An email from an Indian Husband… and a Good Indian Son.
Can a woman marry and change an uninterested (in marrying her) man into a responsible, loving husband? (Smartu and Sweety)
An email: Is it fair for parents to say that their happiness depends on who their kids marry?
An email: My brother leaves it to my mother to decide if the families’ minds will match.
Destitute husband cannot seek wife’s company, rules HC
So what could make even the average, selfish, money-minded Indian family welcome baby girls?

An email from a DIL living in a Joint Family: Should I adjust or should I leave?

Sharing another email.
Subject: Is it worth to change a Patriarchal mindset?

Hi IHM,
I am a twenty five year old Software Engineer working for a reputed company and earning well enough.

I got married about two years ago and I am lucky to have found the right partner (software engineer working for a reputed company as well), who complements me in every way. I rejected many proposals earlier. Even though all these guys were successful , I looked for features like compatibility, dynamism, boldness etc in my partner.

I am from a family of four daughters me being the youngest. My dad and mom are extremely progressive in their thoughts and made sure each of us sisters are independent, self reliant and opinionated  before being married off. Their major objective in finding a groom was someone who respected us and our identities.

Despite societal pressure they helped me forgo many tempting matches until the perfect guy well suited for me came along. I come from a family which is open, liberal and encourages every family member to pursue his/her own dreams and aspirations.

Now when this perfect guy came along we had a free and frank discussion in the family. This guy looked tailor made for my criteria. The only hitch was he is from a joint family living with his mom, dad, brother, bhabi, nephew, and, a sister brother in-law and niece who are frequent visitors. My parents clearly stated that being a part of the joint family may not be ‘my’ thing. But we decided to go ahead anyway. It was a compromise we agreed upon. We were very disappointed earlier not to find the right guy earlier, so this alliance seemed god send.

Initially the guy’s parents seemed very modern, approving the idea of me being the only working woman in the family and how happy and proud they are. This encouraged my decision further.  My would-be husband and me went out a couple of times before committing and he made it clear that he preferred a working woman not for the money but for a partner who is self reliant. I am free to look after my parents etc and marriage shall not impede me in any which way. Till now he has stuck to his word and am proud of him.

Later started the demands for dowry, demand by his parents.  They asked quantities of gold and jewelry all for me. It was asked rather genially. I vehemently denied the match itself. But my parents somehow sidelined me and agreed to shell out the money as a wedding gift to me. The engagement was done by then and I was deep in the throes of love with my hubby.  From my parents perspective, it was like a payment seat in a good college. Getting a worthy match for their daughter by satisfying the in-laws.  My family somehow convinced me into it.

I know it was my fault not to break off and put a strong opposition to the deal. Later when I confronted my husband after marriage, I was shocked to know that he didn’t even know about it.  I also didn’t speak to him earlier because I didn’t want to get into the ‘Me and My Family vs U and Ur Family’ debate into the equation even before we knew each other well. I wanted to know him as an individual first. Now I am terribly guilty about the whole episode. I feel bad for going against my principles of anti dowry.

My husband wants me to return everything to my parents if it relieves me. He also is very guilty of taking dowry unknowingly. But I am in a huge dilemma, my parents will never accept it back. My parents have meticulously planned their future and don’t need my support. But I am saving some amount for them every month.

My in laws meanwhile have insulted my parents many times which has hurt me a lot. After one and a half years of all this, finally, once, I put my foot down and revolted rebelliously.  My husband also had a long aggressive debate with them about my rights, my parents rights etc. After that they have given up on any attempts to insult me and my family. Now they are good to me and my parents for the fear of losing their son.  But the bad memories continue to haunt.

Tell me IHM…

1.     How should I heal myself from the guilt, memories of ‘tamasha’ created before/on my wedding day? They are getting stronger and creating nightmares for me.

2.       My MIL still practices gender bias in very obvious ways. She gives the best food to her sons and the leftovers to us bahus (including herself!).  They firmly believe serving men is the only path of salvation for women. I sometimes negate this by shifting all good items from my husband’s plate onto my plate right in front of her. She says nothing, blankly stares at me for my audacity.  But is this battle worth fighting? I have access to all the dishes I aspire for outside home. I can also cook in my floor. Its only dinner that we take on my parent’s in law’s kitchen (we stay in separate floors). Should I continue the battle and create turmoil? I also end up spending a lot of energy mulling over the episodes and feel is it worth my time and energy?  These people believe being unfair (to women) is the fair way.

3.       I am shocked at the gender biases.  Should I shift base elsewhere? I know my husband respects my need for privacy etc and will agree to move out. We will continue to support his parents as well.  But should I do it, since my in-laws are behaving well and non interfering except some  areas which are hard engrained in them. I know they are making efforts but that is not from their heart, only for the fear that the son may leave them and go away.

4.       Meanwhile my BIL feels that since me and my hubby both are earning its entirely on us to provide the finances.  He is a freeloader. He never gives his share of money. His wife cooks (on weekdays) and I don’t, so he feels from his side he is contributed enough. We discussed this with him, he agrees but never gives his share. How do we fix this without straining relationships?

5.       Despite all these the joint family is demanding, and I am stuck between a choice, of sticking or moving away. On week days I don’t contribute anything but on weekends I have to contribute to kitchen chores and compensate for my absence on week days. I contribute my share financially but that is not counted. I have to compromise on my rest.  Hubby helps but other men laze around while me and my hubby slog it out.  Meanwhile MIL and SIL take a weekend break. Even though my husband is a gem, other males are chauvinists and that irritates the hell out of me.  My husband does enjoy the everyday company of his mom/dad but is okay to move out respecting my difficulties. Should I adjust or should I leave?

Publish this and any comments from readers would help me.

Confused DIL

 

Related Posts:

To an Anonymous daughter in law.

It’s not about hot hot chappaties.

An email: “…before the child has actually arrived she has already given me a lecture about paternal grandparents’ rights over the child.”

Two mothers in a Jodhpur hospital gave birth to a boy and a girl baby around the same time it seems, and now the families of both the babies are refusing to accept the girl baby, both are fighting over the male baby. (News in Headlines Today on TV) Another baby-girl was found in a dustbin.

Do you think any amount of dramatic and half hearted efforts can make Indian parents want to have daughters if we continue to think like the mother in law in the email below?

IHM,

I just happened to read your blog and found that very useful. I have been going through a dilemma ever since i got married. I got married into a very so called modern family. My MIL treats me very well. But her treatment towards my parents disgusts me a lot. She always thinks she is superior to them.

She behaves very weirdly whenever they come and implies with her actions that she has more right be it on the house or on me.

On every occasion now and then, she keeps reminding me that daughter’s parents have lesser rights and that i should show more inclination towards my in laws which irritates me a lot. She fails to understand that the more she tries to distance my parents away from me the more closer I become to them and my relationship with her is the one which gets affected.

I am pregnant and before the child has actually arrived she has already given me a lecture about paternal grandparents rights‘ over the child. She spends maximum time with us but still is not satisfied.

Even I have to fight a lot if I need to visit my parents.

My husband is neutral about these issues. I feel better not discussing it with him. I don’t understand what to do.

How can we make people of such age about their inappropriate actions. Will they really understand or take it to their pride?

Related posts:

So what could make even the average, selfish, money-minded Indian family welcome baby girls?

The invisible family member in the saas-bahu post.

Better than mothers?

Can you be equal if you are not allowed to make equal contribution?

A daughter in law’s legal rights in her in law’s house are the same as her husband’s rights. Whatever is his, is hers.

Dheeyaan dee maa rani, bhudhaapey bharey paani