“I am trying to make a list of soooooooo many advantages a girl can have if she is born in a Western family as compared to being born in india.”

Does Patriarchy combined with Patrilocality (the wife relocating to the husband’s parents’/ancestors’ home) and Patrilineal-ity (women not being permitted to have, or to pass on, names or identity of their own) create a happy society?

Would such a society survive if its members were permitted to reject its norms? What prevents the members from rejecting these norms or diktats? Indoctrination, risk to life, violence, boycott or stigma. Or maybe they believe they benefit from the system? 

Sharing an email.

Hello indian homemaker,

I am not writing an email about my troubles right now – it’s just that I have been thinking VERY DEEPLY about something for many years now.

Having been born and brought up in India and having observed how Indian families behave, the gender stereotype, social hierarchy, gender based discrimination (in the name of culture and ‘sanskaar’) and everything that goes on in india …………… I think we are all too familiar about what goes on in India even before a girl child is born and after her birth and later when she gets married in majority of households (thankfully not all households) :- so I do not need to write much about that.

My parents were very liberal /modern/progressive in their outlook, so I guess that made me question things that others just considered to be a norm.

My mother is a gynaecologist :- so I have seen how indian families react when a girl child is born and how they react when a guy child is born. I mean to say I got the front row seat thousands of times to what I call extreme injustice bestowed upon the girl child even before she is born.

How the faces of the parents and in laws would drop the minute they hear its a girl child as if they have come to a funeral.

And their reaction when told a guy child is born :- they would be as joyous as if someone handed them Diwali, Holi, Lohdi, Eid, Christmas everything in one package on the same day.

Tonnes of sweets would be distributed, and what not.

I have lived in the West for several years. Two years in the USA and approximately 3 years in the UK.

I have observed the life of the Americans and the British up close.

It has seriously made me wonder :- how much BETTER it is, for a girl, to be born in a WESTERN family.

I feel they have their own demons they fight.

Their culture is imperfect too.

But then again, possibly sooooo much better than ours.

I am trying to make a list of soooooooo many advantages a girl can have if she is born in a Western family as compared to being born in india.

There would be tooooo many things that I may forget to write, so readers help me out! Please add what I forgot.

Indian Homemaker and other readers please give me your opinion on what you feel on this topic :-

1) Parents are as joyous if not more on getting the news that a girl is about to be born as joyous they would be on knowing that a boy child is about to be born. even the in laws without any stigma would genuinely be delighted and start buying gifts for the little princess who’s yet to arrive in this world.

2) Of course nobody would even think about female infanticide after she is born. She would be welcome in this world with tonnes of gifts and showered with love and blessings from both parents and both sets of grandparents.

3) Her upbringing would not be sacrificed for preferential treatment of her brothers. Equal amount of effort would be put into her education, all round development (soccer practice, gym classes, swimming lessons), equal nutrition, medical care. Basically not raised with any bias:- born an equal, raised an equal :- in my opinion that leads to a well balanced healthy self respecting adult with good self esteem.

4) No pressure to move in with in laws. Let’s face it we have all heard /seen stories where the daughter in law is crying her eyes out cause of whatever dynamics that go on in indian joint families.

5) If she reports sexual crimes:- its not a matter of bringing shame to the family.

6) No honor killing.

7) It is a generally accepted idea that she has a life of her own, mind of her own. She does not need to do X, Y, Z to please third cousins’ uncles’ nieces’ somebody.

The log kya kahenge crap is not the fuel that destroys her happiness.

8) She is not confined/ forced to do all the household chores if she chooses to rather all her focus and energy on her education/ career/ hobby/ anything that makes her happy and feel fulfilled in life.

9) Most partners (boyfriends/ husbands) help with household chores.

10) Most partners help with child upbringing responsibilities.

11) She is not told by her in laws after marriage, whether or not she can go to her maika, or for how long.

12) Her parents do not have to feel pressurised about dowry or marriage expenses.

13) If she is stuck in an unhappy marriage, she does not have to think about log kya kahenge when making a decision in favour of her happiness and sanity .

14) A Second Marriage is not a taboo, and she does not have to wonder about society thinking doosri shaadi ho payegi ki nahin / baatein banegi/ etc .

15) She is under no pressure to bear male offspring.

16) She can help her parents in any and every manner that she desires after her marriage (with no in laws telling her they are more important than her own parents).

I think the list goes on n on …….

Basically I am getting drawn to the western culture even with the flaws of the western culture. I am getting more and more convinced that it is million times better than our Indian culture IF YOU ARE A FEMALE.

If you are a guy, then it would not come as a shock to me that you admire/love Indian culture.

One thing I used to notice in the matrimonial ads :- most of the biodatas would say the guy and his family love Indian traditions, culture, blah blah .

It also makes me wonder, was this what Indian culture was from the beginning…….or slowly the people for whom it was advantageous to mould it to be in their favour (ladke wale)…. slowly they kept twisting things in their favour and on n on and on n on and it has come to become a very difficult culture for women to live in.

Yes, Indian Homemaker, me and other readers of this blog are working everyday to change it.

But how much mental energy is drained fighting everyday for our rights. how much peace of mind is lost everyday fighting for our rights.

How many sleepless nights feeling furious, troubled by in laws issues, blah blah blah .

I too am fighting just like indian homemaker regarding the injustice.

But nevertheless it makes me wonder:- how much easier/ better life could be if one is just born in an equal society!!

Readers and indian home maker: do tell me your thoughts and please add more points to the list I started making. I am sure there are wayyyy too many points that belong in that list!

god bless
peace

– Mansi

Related Posts:

Indian family values are good for Indian daughters?

So what could make even the average, selfish, money-minded Indian family welcome baby girls?

Another email. When an Indian daughter-in-law has no brothers.

Marriages are sold to Indian women in a glossy cover…?

Indian brides told to reduce mobile phone use.

India leads in sexual violence, worst on gender equality: Study

The father threw the baby on the ground and tried to strangle her with his legs: No case registered.

If she was born somewhere else.

Why do Indian women like to wear western clothes?

हमारी बेटी संस्कारवान है और मंत्री बनने के बावजूद पति के पांव की जूती ही है।

“I don’t see the point of forcing parents to give birth to unwanted girl children.”

Skewed sex ratio is not caused by sex selective abortions.

Shadi ke baad ladki ki PRIORITY sasuraal ki taraf ho jaati hai?

‘I have grown up and gotten used to the fact that my parents are considered less fortunate since they did not have a son.’

‘And if you are unlucky, you will get an American daughter-in-law.’Why is it misogynistic to promise wives from Bihar to Haryana men who are not able to find wives?

These lines sum up the biggest reason for male child preference and skewed gender ratio in India.

An email: If I am around people who think that having or giving birth to sons is everything in life how should I behave?

Do you think this video can make Indian parents want to have daughters?

Our culture doesn’t back smoking by ladies: govt tells SC

Girls retaliate this time. But will the lectures on culture ever stop?

Boys and Girls Holding Hands …

‘My question is, what do you do? What do you say when the majority thinks this way…’

Oprah, Indian Family Values and Widows of Vrindavan.

Why I Love the Western Culture.

‘Rape is theft of the victim’s potential to fulfil her destiny from birth, the pivot of her existence, her marriage.’

Why is rape considered the most hated of crimes?

Patriarchal concepts of honor, blame, shame and silence have trivialised the physical trauma that the victim goes through. The mental trauma is trivialised as loss of honor. 

Survivors of most other kinds of physical trauma (disease, burns, acid attacks, amputation etc) are not silenced or shamed. They are not told that they have to ‘live with the scars’ or that their lives are ‘shattered’. In contrast, these survivors are seen as inspiration for others. 

Since rape is seen as an attack on honor – the physical injuries are not even taken into consideration. The ideas of loss of virginity and loss of marriage opportunity become the focus of the crime.

Everything about the crime, the way it is reported, tolerated, condemned or blamed on the victims results from this patriarchal focus on shame, blame and entitlement. And the need for a woman to get married. 

Ratan Kongara shared this.

I am a regular on your blog, and wanted to share the following link with you:

Dhaula Kuan gang-rape: Court turns down request for leniency to convicts

We should question the assumption that her worth to society is determined by her ability to get married. That being attacked means she will be unable to function as a member of society.

Dogma says the crime was not the forced attack on her physical being but rather at her worth to society. After the crime she loses her value as a person. She can’t have dreams, hopes or ambition.  The crime is theft of the potential to fulfil her destiny from birth, the pivot of her existence, her marriage. The crime isn’t a a physical attack against her. This kind of thinking needs to be challenged. 

“the incident shatters her life and dreams in a violent manner. Her marriage prospects diminish to a large extent and she finds it unable to engage in routine job…”

http://www.thehindu.com/news/cities/Delhi/dhaula-kuan-gangrape-court-turns-down-request-for-leniency-to-convicts/article6522519.ece?homepage=true

– Ratan Kongara

Related Posts:

What makes Men Rape?

Why is it misogynistic to promise wives from Bihar to Haryana men who are not able to find wives?

Why is it misogynistic to promise wives from Bihar to Haryana men who are not able to find wives because of the skewed gender ratio in their state?

1. It implies that the biggest problem with the skewed gender ratio in Haryana is the men who are not able to find wives.

2. It implies that bringing wives from Bihar is the answer to the unwillingness of Haryana families/communities to have and to raise daughters.

3. It implies that we can continue to pretend that skewed gender ratio is caused because of Dowry demands alone and can be controlled by banning Sex Selection.

It lets us continue to not-ask –  Why don’t the people of Haryana (India) want to have and to raise daughters? Why does our society see daughters as unwanted burdens? Answers here.

4. But most of all – what about the women they are ‘bringing’?

Do these women have the option of choosing to marry men from elsewhere, or not marrying at all? Do these women feel entitled to freedom, equality, justice, reasonable safety, self reliance and equal opportunities?

How does providing single men with wives from other states help/affect the skewed gender ratio in Haryana?

Why ‘bring’ innocent women into a dangerous, misogynistic, sexist society, where, if they were born there, they would possibly have been killed in the womb or a little later?

Also, where, they would never be as powerful, entitled, self reliant, free, happy or fairly treated as the men are?

So what can be done for these young, unmarried men in Haryana? 

They are adults and they need to be informed that women are people, they are not born to be future-wives for men. That the men are not entitled to ‘wives’.

They should be encouraged to find out, question and challenge the Patriarchal norms that have lead to this unwillingness by an entire society to have girl children.

Maybe they will find out for themselves that banning sex selective abortions is not the answer because – 

But maybe they will not. Because they are being seen as victims and being ‘promised’ wives.

 

“…those youths in many villages who are roaming without brides will get one.”

Addressing a Kisan Mahasammelan (farmers’ meeting) at Narwana in Jind on Friday, Dhankar asked the gathering to strengthen the hands of BJP in the state, saying, “Making BJP strong also means that those youths in many villages who are roaming without brides will get one.”
Dhankar, who is BJP Kisan Morcha president and had lost the Lok Sabha polls to Congress’ Deepinder Hooda from Rohtak, said when he was touring the constituency, he used to hear tales that some youths were bringing brides from Bihar and other places.

“I told them that Sushil Modi (senior BJP leader in Bihar) is a good friend of mine. We will ensure a compatible match and do away with the practice of bringing brides from any other place,” he said.

Related Posts: 

Skewed sex ratio is not caused by sex selective abortions.

So what could make even the average, selfish, money-minded Indian family welcome baby girls?

How illegal bans on Valentine’s day and birthday parties are connected with dowry deaths and sex selection.

India leads in sexual violence, worst on gender equality: Study

Response to “Koi Baap Apni Beti Ko Kab Jaane Se Rok Paya Hai”

Can we blame everything on patriarchy?

An email: If I am around people who think that having or giving birth to sons is everything in life how should I behave?

Do you think this video can make Indian parents want to have daughters?

‘I have grown up and gotten used to the fact that my parents are considered less fortunate since they did not have a son.’

“I don’t see the point of forcing parents to give birth to unwanted girl children.”

“Girls need to be little bit aware of the consequences. Men – will enjoy …”

Here’s a positive news. An Indian American family is taking action against a man allegedly attempting to black mail their daughter by threatening to share her nude photos online.

Daughter of Indian-American billionaire allegedly blackmailed over nude pictures TOI link shared by Rachna (who blogs at Naari, here). I would have changed the heading to ‘Billionaire takes stern action against man allegedly attempting to blackmail his daughter.’

Not everybody saw this as positive. For some it was not about a criminal being punished, but about an unmarried girl forgetting that her body belonged to her future husband. Disagree?

So a young woman, during a relationship, “voluntarily took nude photos and video,” which she shared with the man she was in relationship with.

Imagine another young woman who shared similar photos with a man she was married to.

When they break up the men decide to black mail the two women by threatening to share the pictures on the internet.

Do you think the second woman would receive more support? Why? Doesn’t that also automatically make it less likely for a married man to threaten his wife with sharing her nude photos?

This is how Patriarchy reinforces itself – by this deeply entrenched system of rewards, concessions, threats and punishments.

In India gang rapists record themselves committing a crime and threaten to ‘expose’ the proof that could lead to their conviction (Punishable with life imprisonment/capital punishment) Those who should be taking immediate action to arrest the criminals, watch rape videos (in the Assembly!) and ask women to watch how much skin they are showing. [Three BJP Ministers, including the Women and Child Welfare Minister caught watching rape videos in assembly.]

For some this comes as an opportunity to reinforce misogyny. 

Girls need to be little bit aware of the consequences. Men, no matter where they are from – will enjoy the company, moment and then also try to extract money from the wealthy… having said that this man need to be punished so no other man try to fool the ladies…

One sane voice:

“its hard for judgemental people to understand but this is a LAW and ORDER issue not a moral one, it is not hard to see from the comments why so many atrocities happen against women in India.”

Related posts:

“I blamed myself for putting myself in that situation, for being so vulnerable and so incredibly stupid to believe any of his bullshit.”

The Guwahati mob molestation video and the Gurgaon mob molestation video.

“So why do we wear clothes again??

Guwahati mob molests girl, video goes viral online.

Dev D: Practical Paro Artless Chandramukhi

Slut Walk. And how women’s bodies are different, so they need to be covered for their own safety.

“why not marry them first and then have sex ? What prevents you from doing it ? Deep within YOU WANT JUST SEX and nothing more”

Romanticizing innocence, chastity and related taboos for women.

What is this big problem with Bra Strap Showing?

Here’s why I think the society should not obsess over a woman’s virginity.

Contrast what C C Patil said about crimes against women, with what the man we met in Mewat said :

Feeling safe, learning and unlearning nothing in Mewat