“Time isn’t far when even Indian men will quit their faith from women and the Institution of marriage.”

Sharing a comment (and my response) asking some commonly asked questions about Marital Rape and how disallowing it might destabilise the society.  

GS: I have a question that I have in my mind which I wish to openly discuss. The urban Indian woman  has equally progressed in today’s society and doesn’t live in any kind of a subjection like before, things have gone normal which is the greatest achievement of our times,

IHM : Not true.

Amongst other things, if urban Indian women did not live in any kind of subjection then the society (atleast in urban India) would not continue to prefer male children.

And women and society would find it normal to live, work and travel alone,  dressed in clothes they prefer … as easily as the rest of the society does.

GS: what I’d like to enlighten here are more gender biased laws that our Indian Institutions have already passed in favour of women and what aches me more is the way “SOME WOMEN” use the same laws to harass their husband and his family.

IHM : I wish we had reliable  statistics of alleged ‘misuse’ of gender biased laws by women.

Also, which specific laws do you think should be changed and how would you change them – ensuring there is no misuse and no justice denied?

Do you think these laws are not required at all? Should domestic violence continue to be permitted just like marital rape is? Have we succeeded in creating healthy society by allowing crimes against some of the members? (No, we have reached a point where most parents do not want to have or to raise girl children, everybody prays, fasts and blesses for sons)

GS: Coming back to this article consent is a sensitive issue that cannot be proved in the Court of law.

IHM : Should a heinous crime be permitted because it is difficult to prove? Acquaintance rape or date rape or rape in live in relationships is also difficult to prove (and 98% of rapes are committed by someone known to the victim) [link] – but the law still does not permit rapes in these relationships.

As of now – marital rape is not a crime, even if it can be proven, where there are injuries and where violence is involved.

Do you think marital rape (- whether easy to prove or not) is less traumatic than rape outside of marriage?

Why do you think is rape traumatic for the victim?

Many Indians (who think marital rape should not become a crime) seem to believe the victim of rape becomes a zinda laash (a living corpse) – implying (amongst many other things) – physical and emotional trauma, caused by violence, violation, fear, physical injuries, stigma (if the crime is reported and becomes public) and more.

Now, which of these would not be experienced in case of  marital rape, but is experienced in rapes outside marriage? Stigma? Because it’s perfectly honorable for a victim to be raped by her spouse? So long as the rapist is a spouse or becomes one after the rape – there is no stigma.

One thing that would change with a law criminalising marital rape is that the society would begin to view rape as an assault and not as a shameful thing.

What does the legal right to rape an equal partner mean? How do you think does it affect a relationship? Amongst other things it creates a sense of entitlement. It also implies that forced sex is wrong only when the victim is being ‘dishonored’ and that there is no dishonor in sexually assaulting someone one is married to. Are honor, respect and equality possible in such a relationship?

How is marital rape less serious than domestic violence? Should any civilised society legally allow such crimes to be committed?

Legalising a crime is not a solution, because it changes the way the crime is viewed by the criminal, the victim and the entire society.

There is a general lack of healthy sex education or even communication about sex, and the law permits rape of a spouse, so for many Indians marital rape, or forced sex with spouse is not just perfectly acceptable – but actually quite normal. Seems disgusting and unbelievable? Take a look at the reactions to this groom raping a wedding guest: ‘Rapist groom should have waited a little to satiate his lusty desires without problems which he has got into.

The general tone of the comments is – “Fool did not wait for few hours to legality(sic) enjoy”. One comment suggests the groom was ‘practising’. There is a general sense that marriage entitles a man to unlimited power over the wife, and rape and sex are seen as the same thing. Can forced sex and respect coexist? Do these men [Or these, these, these, these, these and these] understand that sex can and should always be a mutually desirable act?[unimaginable!] Without understanding that and with so much ignorance – how can they be expected to view women as equal citizens and people with feelings?

There seems to be no question of what the woman thinks or feels. How can such relationships create happy and well adjusted families? What kind of society do such millions of such families create? We already know that –

More than half of young Indians believe it’s okay for a husband to beat his wife.

And, India leads in sexual violence, worst on gender equality: Study

GS: and some women can make a good misandry out of the same just like they did with Sec 498A.

IHM: Responded above. Need reliable statistics on misuse of 498A. What options do you suggest?

GS: Consent is not always given by women.

IHM: I didn’t understand this. Do you mean consent should always be given by women? Meaning women should not have the right to deny consent? Do you mean women should be forced to consent? How does the society benefit from this forcing?

Both men and women should have the right to give or to withhold consent. Sex without consent is called rape.

One way this would change relationships (and hence the society) is that even married men would make the effort to be nice to the wife (or vice versa) if they want sex, they would not feel entitled to sex.

For them, marriage is just a license to have socially accepted sex. Allowing women to say “no” takes that away from them. In the future, they might *gasp* actually have to try and be nice to the woman, make her feel wanted, and be romantic. You can’t treat her like dirt and still exercise a god given right to use her body when you want. More here – “Instituting the idea of marital rape raises the specter of a man going for long periods without sex even though he’s married!”

GS: Despite making the laws just in favour of women without any proof why can’t our government take active measures to create gender neutral laws instead of laws for protecting just women.

IHM: Gender Neutral laws are fair. Marital Rape and domestic violence should not be permitted to women either.

We also need more gender neutral laws to ensure women and men inherit equally, are provided equal opportunities for self reliance, are entitled to equal pay for equal work. Both men and women should feel safe – while travelling (especially after dark), or in public spaces or when under the influence of alcohol; marriage and parenting should not make men or women economically (or otherwise) dependent etc..Reservation by custom and tradition. Neither should be expected to forget their families and friends once they get married

GS: If the same situation continues time isn’t far when even Indian men will quit their faith from women and the Institution of marriage which would damage the family structure of a civilized society badly.
I need open minds to discuss this issue.

IHM: Do you mean that Indian men would not want to get married because they would fear being accused of raping their wives? These challenges should not deter the government from making laws that do not permit anybody to rape anybody. The law must acknowledge marital rape as a crime – just like we acknowledge other crimes like murder or acid attacks.

 Related Posts:
What makes Men Rape? – Do read.

The right to deny or to give consent takes the power away from Patriarchy, and gives it to the individual.

The Indian government [link] and the society [link] and hence the Indian legal system [link] seem to continue to believe that Indian men and women do not need to understand, respect, seek, give or deny Consent. This leads to some problems.

Like, is it possible for someone to respect women, if they have no idea that women are people with equal rights?

And can women be said to have equal rights, if they are not permitted to withhold or to give consent?

Can lack of respect be cured with appeals to display respect [link]?

And where does this disrespect come from?

A large part of it comes from genuinely believing that women’s consent in matters that directly concern them is not relevant [link], and though abuse, violence and disrespect are unpleasant, they are either unavoidable or even necessary to maintain the status quo. Many of us are afraid of any change.

Also, we do not seem to understand Consent as much as we understand Honor – which is why, (amongst other things) – forced sex or rape within marriage is more acceptable to many of us, than consensual sex outside marriage (which is strongly condemned as immoral). [link]

I think it is particularly difficult when not just the society, but even the law does not acknowledge women’s right to bodily autonomy.

The fact is, like anything logical – Consent is easy to understand. But Consent is empowering for those who are directly involved, the right to deny or to give consent takes the power away from Patriarchy, and gives it to the individual.

Respecting women, for most Indians does not mean respecting them as equal individuals, it often includes controlling their lives and sexuality, and as a result – women being allowed to choose their own partners is troubling for many. An extreme case was Mahendra Singh Tikait who is quoted to have said, “…Only whores can choose their partners.” [link]

What would change if Consent in sexual relationships was understood and accepted by the society and the law makers, as the most crucial factor in determining whether the act was a morally or legally a crime or not?

Here’s a video that explains Consent.

What do you think?

Related Posts:

The Amorous Adventures of Shakku and Megha in the Valley of Consent

Five rapists in Patna want to marry gangrape victim.

Making Marital Rape a legal offence is the fastest way to make it clear that Rape means forced sex, not lost Virginity or Honor.

Panchayat orders girl to marry her rapist because one way to make a Rape right is to make it Marital Rape.

What do you think of these doubts regarding recognition of marital rape as a crime?

“Instituting the idea of marital rape raises the specter of a man going for long periods without sex even though he’s married!”

Forcible sex with wife doesn’t amount to marital rape: Court

Here’s why a 6-year-old rape survivor was ordered to marry alleged rapist’s 8 year old son.

Where Consensual Sex is Rape, and Forced Sex a legal right.

Rapist groom should have waited a little to satiate his lusty desires without problems which he has got into.

“In my own company in a cosmopolitan city, I know women who were horrified on the First Night.”

Who will benefit from criminalising sexual assaults within marriages?

India leads in sexual violence, worst on gender equality: Study

For Victims and Survivors of Marital Rapes.

Legally, marriage doesn’t permit murders and violence, but sexual assaults on the partner are legally allowed. (even if the spouse is minor)

Three thoughts on Bhag Milkha Bhag.

Marriage Sacred in India, So Marital Rape Does Not Apply: Government

Rapist said that coming from Afghanistan meant he didn’t understand what ‘consent’ was.

These panties will change the way you look at sex.

Let’s talk about sexual consent

“It was OK for her to say ‘no’ after saying ‘yes’? Saying ‘yes’ doesn’t mean a blanket sanction to any sexual activity.”

 

‘The woman said she was inebriated when a co-worker took her to a room and raped her.’

Despite all the comments, despite the expected rape survivor blaming (for being drunk or for just being) and even though it is not reported accurately, this news is a positive indication. Because this rape survivor did not remain silent, and the alleged criminal has been ‘held’  and I am sure investigations are underway.

Man held for raping colleague after party in Gurgaon – TOI

The father of the victim had filed a complaint with the Gurgaon Police on Sunday afternoon. According to the complaint, the woman, who had joined the company a few months ago, was among 50 employees who had gone to the club for an official get-together.

The woman said she was inebriated when a co-worker, who had also joined a few months ago, took her to a room and raped her.

“I had a few drinks with my colleagues and was not in my senses. I was on my way to my room when this guy took me to his room. It was only after I was sober again that I realized what had happened. Not just police, even my company should take some stern steps to ensure that nothing of this sort happens to anybody,” the victim told the police.

And this is how the same crime is reported in the Hindustan Times,

Manesar: woman raped by colleague at office party – Hindustan Times

According to police, the woman — a resident of southwest Delhi’s Dwarka — went to her room after the party got over around 12.30am.

She was sleeping when the accused, identified as Sumit, allegedly entered her room, locked it from the inside and raped her.

“The incident happened around 1.30-2am. The girl called her father, who immediately lodged a complaint with the resort. The resort, in turn, informed the police. A medical test confirmed rape and we arrested the accused from the resort immediately,” said Rahul Sharma, deputy commissioner of police, south district Gurgaon. He added that the accused was drunk when he entered the woman’s room.

“The accused knocked on her door repeatedly, forcing her to open it finally. The victim was also quite hung over and the accused took advantage of the situation and raped her,” said Ramphal, investigating officer, Manesar police station.

Here’s a comment that sounds like common sense. 

Smriti Saxena : “The accused should be strictly punished”

And here is the expected, traditional and patriarchal response which has been successfully used by our ancestors to silence rape survivors.

What does the commentator think should ‘happen’ to the rape survivor? Should she have been too ashamed to report the crime?

Deven (PUNE) replies to Smriti Saxena

“and what should happen to the girl who drinks and cannot even control herself?”

And here are some more reasons why there is an urgent need to create awareness about Consent and Lack of consent in any sexual act.

What if the victim was a sex worker who changed her mind? Would it then be okay for the man to rape her?

Here are just six of the thousands of examples of the traditional methods that are employed to silence Rape Survivors.

1. After all the news n reports n protests, if women does not act a bit more cautious, she cannot always expect a policeman standing next to her for protection…..drink, njoy but to a point tht u dont loose ur senses!!!

2. It was wrong on his part to take advantage. But then I have to blame her too since she herself was in an uncontrollable state. When there are beasts surrounding you, why take the chance. Why cant one be careful and protect themselves. Whats the need to go to a club. What harm would it bring if the party was avoided. I think people no longer think or scan the surroundings but they just want pleasure, comfort and enjoyment and this is the price they pay

3.  You join late night parties…………………….OK, You take drink …………………………………..OK, You loose your senses………………………..OK, You loose your ………………………………………., Police & your company should take some stern steps to ensure that nothing of this sort happens to anybody. Is their any action you would take against you………………

4. Is it totally guys fault?? What the heck if gals in our country adopts western culture then they should be comfortable with the consequences as alcohol stimulates the desire. And ya of course what happened was unfortunate as one should have control upon his desire. But we cant blame the boy completely for what happened..

5. Not to justify what happened, but ladies on outings need to know how far to go. Of course the rapist needs to be punished as per the law.

6. gorigora (chennai)16 hrs ago

Its irony.. not every men is buddha.. the world history shows men will have sex with women when get an opportunity. World history shows it is woman get raped by men.. what more the girl needs educated on? She goes drinks with people and think men will spare her if thhey get an opportunity? We are living in a world even fathers, grandfathers, and brothers commit such crime their kins and what do you expect from a coworker? I am not defending that guy, but when will women take responsibility of their ownself? When will women get commonsense? When will women think wise? All that exploitation of women is not something started today.. it is not just indian thing nevertheless, indian culture also exploitive like other in the western world too.. hey women.. grow some brains..

Related Posts:

Does porn affect how men view sex, women and children?

Does porn affect how people view sex, women and children? Do you think porn encourages men to rape children (or anybody)?

If rape scenes in movies are said to affect the way Indian men view sex (i.e. men want, women provide; women never want hence can never consent or else are ‘loose character’; men always want sex; men can rape for sex; men are provoked by loose women to rape them; women must marry the rapist to save their honor etc) then what about porn?

Would free access to sex education change this? If people knew or acknowledged that sex was meant to be a consensual and mutually pleasurable act, and that sex was not against Indian values, would there be better understanding that those who rape are not sex-starved people but criminals with serious and dangerous mental and social issues?

Do you agree with the comment shared below this news link?

Gurgaon: A five-year-old girl was brutally raped and then abandoned near a metro station in Gurgaon on Saturday, the police have said. The minor has suffered severe internal injuries and is being treated at Delhi’s Safdarjung Hospital.

According to the police, the girl was allegedly lured away by a man who offered to give her food during a langar (community lunch) near the Bristol Hotel in Gurgaon. He later raped her….

[5-year-old brutally raped, abandoned near metro station in Gurgaon]

Do you agree with this comment:

People shout at top of their voices against the police, the government and the nation itself. No one speaks about the abyssmal downfall in values. Will any group concerned with this, fight against the free access to porn, which is the root cause of men becoming animals? No. Majority people will fight against any ban on porn. So whom do you blame? Blame yourselves for spawning these dreadful animals. [5-year-old brutally raped, abandoned near metro station in Gurgaon]

Related Posts:

Many of us view watching porn as a harmless activity…

Three BJP Ministers, including the Women and Child Welfare Minister caught watching porn in assembly. (Ministers caught on camera watching a rape video)

Is there any other way this crime could have been controlled? (Gurgaon, MG Road)

“Instituting the idea of marital rape raises the specter of a man going for long periods without sex even though he’s married!”

“I mean what’s the point then, right?”

Quoting Bhagwad Jal Park.

Here’s more,

“The true motive behind the opposition to marital rape might just be the resistance to a woman’s sexual autonomy. Men and even women are brought up with the idea that marriage is a license to have sex whenever the man wants. And that by refusing it, the woman is not doing her “duty”. Implicit in this line of reasoning is the notion that sex is not something that women enjoy. That they only do it for children and after that they don’t want it anymore. Instituting the idea of marital rape raises the specter of a man going for long periods without sex even though he’s married! I mean what’s the point then, right?

I now understand what the government meant when it said they were “protecting marriage”. What they they’re defending is not marriage per se, but the warped idea of marriage that Indians have. For them, marriage is just a license to have socially accepted sex. Allowing women to say “no” takes that away from them. In the future, they might *gasp* actually have to try and be nice to the woman, make her feel wanted, and be romantic. You can’t treat her like dirt and still exercise a god given right to use her body when you want.

And that sense of entitlement is probably the true reason for this resistance.”

Read, Like and Share the post here – The Huge Opposition to Marital Rape Laws is Shocking 

Here’s another quote:

“Criminalizing marital rape is a no brainer. There’s no need for even the phrase “marital rape” to exist. We don’t have “marital murder” after all.”

Related Posts:
Making Marital Rape a legal offence is the fastest way to make it clear that Rape means forced sex, not lost Virginity or Honor.

Forcible sex with wife doesn’t amount to marital rape: Court

For Victims and Survivors of Marital Rapes.

Where Consensual Sex is Rape, and Forced Sex a legal right.

“Girls should be married at 16, so that they don’t need to go elsewhere for their sexual needs. This way rapes will not occur.”

Who will benefit from criminalising sexual assaults within marriages?

How does an average Indian define Rape, Child Abuse and Consensual Sex?

Do we see rape as a serious crime or do we say ‘rape’ when we mean to say ‘sex’? How does an average Indian define Rape, Child Abuse and Consensual Sex? Do we know the difference? How would you define each of these?

Do we look at ‘balatkaar‘ (rape) the way ‘Three Idiots’ did?

Do we view  consensual sex by women as immoral and ‘balatkaar‘ (rape) as something to laugh about?

Here’s the ‘Three Idiots’ video with English subtitles. Did they intend to use ‘sex’ but found balaatkaar rhymed and ‘sex’ would have been censored?

And why do you think is this young rape victim being married to someone she reported raped her?  Does the news report sound unbiased?

However, a source said the two had gone to Forum Mall to watch a movie on Sunday.“They did not get tickets and returned to Chandru’s room. She stayed back there after which the “incident” happened. When she returned home on Monday, her father asked her where she had gone. The girl told him Chandru had taken her to his room and raped her.The father took her to the police station where she filed a rape case,” the source said, adding that the parents later decided to get them married. [Boy accused of raping friend, arrested]

 

*   *   *

Meanwhile Mamata Bannerjee accused the media of seeking to glorify rapes. [link] How can a rape be ‘glorified’?

I think more rapes are being reported by victims, because now media (and society) is less biased against victims than ever before in Indian history. And for the first time, Victim-Blaming is being challenged.

Indian never ‘glorified’ rape in the past, we made jokes about it or drove the victims to suicide.

Here’s how we can continue to Control Rapes without seeking to ‘Glorifying’ Rapes. 

1. Treat silence as golden. Deny sexual crimes exist.

Make it difficult for victims to report. No reports, no records.  Question, blame, shame, name, delay and judge. Throw out of schools.

Use the power of Stigma to achieve Silence of the victims.

2. Don’t treat sex-without-consent as a Sexual Assault.  But treat any suspicion of sex between consenting adults as a crime punishable by criminal assaults by gangs of inebriated rapists or vigilante groups. Or punish rapists by marrying them to the victims.

3. Allow rapists (and their advocates) to make rules about what can be construed as Consent-to-be-raped. 

E.g. A rapist who has been away from family has consent. A woman who has had sex before has consented.

Related Posts:

Sexual abuse victim thrown out of school for being a bad influence on other students.

Let’s wipe that smile off his face. (Victim Ruchika Girhotra thrown out of school)

Haryana: School says rape victim, sisters left voluntarily. (IBN Live)