And here is why women are so helpless in marriage issues and in their martial home.

Sharing an email. 

‘Is this love where you want to follow the society more than your children’s happiness?’

Hi IHM ,

I frequently visitor and replier on your post. Your posts have cleared my thought process a lot and seriously I think a lot on marriage. I have written a very long post.

I am not able to understand, why women are so helpless in marriage issues and in their martial home.

Sometimes I feel that seriously our parents love us or are we also a social responsibility to be completed? I am not a parent neither I am married so I cannot answer this question. But I am daughter and sometimes I really think that they are simply fulfilling their social responsibility.

In my family we are only two sisters and no brother. Never my parents tried for son. But their expectations are no different from us. My friend’s parents also think in similar ways.

Most of the parents educate their daughter because in their peer circle everybody is educating their daughters. Professionally unqualified daughter is a shame to them. They want us to do well in our careers. That’s it. Anything beyond this point is “tum hawa main udne lage ho, ladkyion ko jayda bolna nahi chahye, ladki ho ladki k tarah raho etc” (You have started flying in air. Girls should not talk too much. You are a girl, live like a girl.)

They want their daughter to be earning but not independent. They want the same thing which a parent who has not educated their daughter wants. They always want that we follow what we have been told on phone and no question should be asked. They will make all decisions- what we will do in future, when we will get married, to whom we will get married, the list goes on???

They will export you to another family. There also the same has to continue. They expect that you don’t reply back, never come back to them and be a good daughter. They are ready to cry in your pain if you have married as per their wish (this has been said by my parents and many of my friends parents).They will support you in case a martial problem and what is that support? That they will warn the groom/his family and send you back.

One of my friends is recently married and her husband started complaining within two days of marriage that I was not given watch in marriage, your brother doesn’t respect me, and marriage was so simple. Parents’ reply that this was not discussed during the marriage negotiations, why you are saying this thing. But nobody realizes what the girl is feeling right now. But parents have done their duty they married her, they are sad for her, they are helpless. Maybe one day they will fight with the guy and ask him to treat her properly job done. But how anyone can live with the person who doesn’t respect her and care her?

Another friend she is working was very close to guy from her college. They belonged to same city , so he use to accompany her and care for her during to and fro between college and city. Parents were aware of this and encouraged them to move together. This means that guy was nice and trustworthy. Now when the same guy went and asked parents about their marriage then they are saying that he is not trustworthy and he is a cheat. Isn’t it hypocrisy? Where is love for their daughter? Isn’t it using one person and insulting them when they have served their purpose? They want the daughter to go first way, marry their way, if she is unhappy then she is responsible for it as she is not able to adjust and forget her bf, they want her to laugh on her wedding even if she is feeling dying from inside. Is this parental love?

Another friend went ahead and had a court marriage. They are happy. She is continuing her job in another city and her husband is in another city. No demands from In-Law or husband. From day one she is living her life as she was living in PG. Still her parents are sad because she had an inter caste marriage. Where is love in this case? They are not happy seeing her happy? Isn’t all parental scarifies is a drama? Why they cannot say our daughter is happy, we are proud of her.

Coming to my situation, I too want to marry a person who is out of my community. He is well settled and loves me. I have met his parents and they have said yes without any drama. They encourage my bf to talk to my parents so that they can fix marriage. Now my parents want the same that is situation one. They don’t want to listen to anything. Is this love where you want to follow society more than your children happiness? And since I am living out of home city all the wrath have fallen on my sister. They have restricted her movement, don’t want her to pursue professional education otherwise she will also go out of hand. Is this the love and scarifies they always claim about?

I think its girls’ parent who have left them in such a helpless situation because this is the norm of society. Don’t they keep their daughter dependent so that she doesn’t start making her own decision? Can you tell me where is all this love everybody claim?

Thank You,

In Love

Related Posts:

Are Happily Married Daughters a status symbol in India?

“He has decided that we will stop trying to have a child now as he wants things to improve between his mother and I.”

When she says she no longer wishes to stay with him, why isn’t her word enough?

“I don’t want such education… I want no career… I want to be loved.”

An email from a Happily Married Indian Daughter in law…

How would you react if you knew your son (or daughter) felt this way?

“Can you people help me on this? I only want to convince my parents that is all.”

Teenage Pregnancies – not our culture…

Love Marriages spoil the Family System of our Nation.

“I am trying to make a list of soooooooo many advantages a girl can have if she is born in a Western family as compared to being born in india.”

“I don’t see the point of forcing parents to give birth to unwanted girl children.”

40% of rape charges were filed by parents of girls who had eloped consensually with a boy

When a daughter refuses to go back…

‘My parents will be ignored and ridiculed. No one will let them forget my so called shameful behaviour.’

“… It will be like throwing them to the wolves.”

Why do we need family (or a community or a society)? What is the purpose? What is the least that you expect from a Society or a Community or Family that you belong to? 

How much would you be willing to compromise on your expectations? Would you permit blackmail or threats in return of whatever the community provides for you? 

(An average Indian is raised to understand all about what the more powerful members in a society/community expect from it’s members)

Sharing an email from a young Indian woman.

Hi,

I read your blog and I was able to relate to a lot of articles. You see I am also going through the same issue of convincing my parents for intercaste marriage.  I am a *** and the guy I love is a ****, from a lower caste. Personally I don’t believe in all this but my family does. They are opposed to the entire idea of marrying a non *** and that too lower caste. I am in a big fix.

Ours is a 8 year relationship. I tried everything to convince them but to no avail. It’s been more than a year now that I disclosed about my wish to marry that guy. All my family members, cousins, extended family are trying to discourage from my decision. Cousins who are only in their early 30s and may be even younger are against intercaste marriage. Its either choose that guy or your family.

My dad has taken an oath he will never accept me nor let my mom accept me. And I have seen examples where he has broken ties with a certain relative over small issues. I fear he will stand true to his oath. **** are a conservative community. Such cases are seen as very humiliating for the parents who then stop socialising and going out.

If at all my parents accept me, my family will not allow them. They say they will cut ties with my parents as well, if they support me. At this juncture I stand to lose the safety and security of my family. My parents will be ignored and ridiculed constantly by not just community but family members as well cos my decision will affect them also somewhere.  No one will let them forget my so called shameful behaviour. I can’t bear to see them like that.

Now I am thinking of giving up for the sake of my parents but the thought of life without that guy and with someone else of my parents’ choice is equally frightening. Here I stand to lose all my dreams and hopes for a future and life of my choice and liking. The guy has always been supportive and understanding. It not his fault to suffer so much. Thoughts of leaving him is tearing me apart. There is a lot of emotional upheaval going on with me.

I am out of my depth here trying to decide what to do. Please advice.

Second email:

They say with time you will forget him and get on with your life. Their argument is a woman whose spouse dies that women also moves on and marries somewhere down the line. She doesn’t die with him or stay unhappy for life.

The new development since 2 days is that they have already started alienating my parents. they have cut all contact and gradually breaking ties with them. Just because their daughter is maligning their name as well.

My parents, who don’t support me, blame me for their suffering. At a time like this it’s like throwing them to the wolves.

Related Posts:

Love Marriages spoil the Family System of our Nation.

How illegal bans on Valentine’s day and birthday parties are connected with dowry deaths and sex selection.

“When the time comes to support them, they back out and and blame the children for misusing their trust and freedom.”

Why do we hear concerned voices about ‘misuse of freedom’ the moment we talk about Freedom?

‘We grew up in a very liberal family. We knew what our limits were and our focus was our education. We never betrayed our parents.’

An email: I am 18 year old male from a traditional (read:backward) Indian family.

“When the time comes to support them, they back out and and blame the children for misusing their trust and freedom.”

What exactly is Misuse of Freedom and Trust? Why is choosing one’s life partner seen as a ‘betrayal’ by many Indian families/parents?

Sharing an email. 

Dear IHM,

I am back again asking for your help regarding a problem. Would be grateful if you could post this on your blog – I would like to know what people who have been in such situations have to say.

My husband and me had a love marriage – we are from different religions/caste/language and different states. We waited and fought for 3 years for approval from his side – which never came. He was given an ultimatum to go and lead his life or forget me and stay in the family. My husband chose the former and we have been so happy ever since. His folks (mom and 3 sisters & their husbands) gave more importance to society and relatives approval and “what will people say” rather than his happiness. But within a few months they back tracked and accepted him back into the household because his mom couldn’t be without seeing him. He lost his father a few years before we even became good friends… (and that also was brought in as a reason to oppose our union). His 3 elder sisters and family are cordial and warm to him. It’s going to be 10 yrs since we’ve been married, but I have not been accepted into the family. His nieces had not been told about his marriage, but as 4 of them grew into adults, they came to know of of the matter. But no one talks about it and the family prefers to brush anything regarding us under the carpet. “We” are never talked about, but assumptions are made by them on how we lead our life. We are more than happy to be away from all this family politics and orthodox values, superstitious beliefs etc.

Now coming to the real issue – his 1st niece is in the USA. She went there 3 yrs back to do her MS and is now working there. She is in love with her good friend there. He is of a different caste-and that is the only difference. She has known him for the last 3 years and they have been going steady for the past 1 year. He is a good boy, with equal education, a great job and from a good family. The last couple of months her parents have been pressurizing her with proposals and when she could take it no more, informed her mom about her love last month. The nightmares have started since then, her mom doing the crying, lamenting, not talking phases, emotional blackmail, threatens and everything else.

They are playing the caste card, the boy being a non-Brahmin. They claim that relatives will desert them, no one will talk to them, marriages of the other 5 girls (her own sister and 4 cousins) will be a problem, how will they face the world etc etc. Another important fact – “how can we agree for this when we opposed your Uncle’s marriage?”. The same accusations and reasons and fights that took place 13 yrs ago is repeating itself. Horoscope, society, caste and everything else matters more. None of them have changed even a bit. It’s like living through all that emotional abuse all over again. She has tried in all her conversations to explain that he will keep her happy and her happiness should be important for them and how their interests, goals and likes match and how they will make a good couple. But none of this matters – the parents say “our happiness should be more important to you than yours”!!!!

Another problem – this girl’s younger sister just got her visa for her MS and will be going to the same city that her sister stays. The parents and aunts (mother’s sisters) have started to blackmail and brainwash the younger one asking her how is she going to stay with her sister because she has fallen in love, she will not take care of you. Why can’t you not go there now, do your PG here in India”, etc etc. They are trying to turn the younger one against the older stating that “she is doing a favour by spending for you, because she wants our approval in return. She has become rude because she in earning in $’s in the USA” etc etc. The sisters are very close to each other and are stunned by this divide and rule and lies and twisting of stories from the parents side.

Both of them are not putting up their views very strongly fearing that their parents will not allow the younger one to travel. It’s another torture to listen to all the arguments and emotional abuse and blackmail and not voice their opinions.

A few days back the parents laid down conditions to the younger one – that if they send her to the USA

1. You have to go and try change your sister’s mind
2. You have to come back after 2 years of studies
3. You have to work and repay your study loan yourself (as in not take money from the elder one)
4. You cannot think of having a love marriage.

The parents are in a fix because the elder one will not be coming down to India anytime soon, because she just had her visa status changed. They feel she is so far away and is out of their hands, so they are trying to guilt trip her into accepting that because of what she did (falling in love) she is responsible for spoiling her sister’s future if her parents decide not to send her to the USA.

They are definitely not going to accept this and I fear the boy’s situation would become the same as mine – a son-law who’s not accepted though they might accept the daughter back, in case they go ahead and get married by themselves.

All the years of growing up, achieving in studies, being a good child – all this apparently becomes of no use because you fall in love and choose your own partner. Why is it that parents think that their happiness lies in only whom their children marry whom they are told to marry? They do everything for their children, but when the real time comes to support them in their happiness, they back out and and blame the children for misusing their trust and freedom.

I want your readers to please advice on what they should do and how should they react to all this emotional drama and assumptions and mental torture. There might be many who have been through such situations…..I need their expert advice.

Note –
1. These are not some illiterate, from the village type parents. These are educated and young parents in their 50’s.
2. The boy’s side is very liberal and broad minded. His sister also had a love marriage and there is no problem from the boy’s side.

Thanks in advance to you IHM and all your readers.

Related Posts:

LOVE – Is it a Crime?

Against your child’s happiness

An email: I want my parents to know the real me, why do I have to lie?

Why do we hear concerned voices about ‘misuse of freedom’ the moment we talk about Freedom?

‘We grew up in a very liberal family. We knew what our limits were and our focus was our education. We never betrayed our parents.’

Dad knifes girl for speaking to lover

What kind of society tolerates the idea that a 23 year old is not capable of knowing what and who makes her happy, and somehow another adult – and this is someone who is capable of inflicting grievous violence, is seen to have ‘her best interest’ (or anybody’s best interest) in mind? This violent person also finds sympathisers – including in the TOI comment section.

What makes so many non violent and seemingly civilised people excuse violence under certain circumstances? Is it just that we are so used to seeing violence being justified that we see it as a normal (or practical) method of coping with disagreements?

We also know that more than half of young Indians believe it’s okay for a man to beat his wife. [53% Indian boys and 57% Indian girls believe it’s okay for a husband to beat his wife]

And we tolerate educated fathers openly threatening their daughters with honor killing. (link)

It seems many Indians believe:

1. It is necessary to control other (mainly young) people’s personal lives, happiness and liberties to save Honor, ‘Society’, Patriarchy, the Institution of Marriage etc (i.e. the status quo).

2. Use of violence to save culture, religion, tradition, family values, honor etc has to be tolerated.

On Wednesday, Suma had gone to her father’s weaving unit in Dommasandra where she also works. Chinnaswamy came to meet her defying Reddy. When he saw them talking, an enraged Reddy ru8sh8ed at Chinnaswamy, chopper in hand. A shocked Suma tried to save her lover but received the brunt of her father’s fury. She received grievous blows from the weapon. 

And here is a comment explaining the circumstances under which violence is tolerable to many Indians.

It could also be because this Chinnaswamy is a vagrant, a no good, unemployed married looser with bad hygiene. We don’t know.. if this “lover boy” is indeed unemployed and belongs to an underprivileged family he could very well be seducing the girl in the hope to one day usurp the business and improve his financial conditions… The hatred that Ashok Reddy displayed against the lover boy could be because he wanted to protect his innocent, gullible daughter against the well thought out, sinister plans of Chinnaswamy.

A Question: Is there any way this can change without media campaigns creating awareness about women being ‘people’, capable and deserving of making their own decisions –  right and wrong, and learning, unlearning and moving on?

Related Posts:

Love Marriages spoil the Family System of our Nation.

How illegal bans on Valentine’s day and birthday parties are connected with dowry deaths and sex selection.

‘The liberties that are guaranteed to our citizens, cannot be stretched beyond limits nor can such freedom be made weapons to destroy our fundamental values or social establishments like families’

‘The liberties that are guaranteed to our citizens, cannot be stretched beyond limits nor can such freedom be made weapons to destroy our fundamental values or social establishments like families.’
A question: If Liberty is limited to adults doing (in their personal life) what is permitted and acceptable to other people, then what would be denial of liberty? – IHM
A guest post by Locutus83
I want to bring to your notice this recent judgement in Kerala, which goes against all common sense and principles of individual freedom and dignity. In effect this judgment has sanctioned slavery and imprisonment of adult children by their parents.
I don’t understand what it is going to take for parents and society to change their mindsets with regards to adults making their OWN CHOICES in LIFE, and being independent individuals. (Love marriage is just one subset of personal choice).Is it that parents fear loss of control and power over their children (since they never had any power over their own lives)? Or are they too scared of the wagging community tongues “log kya kahenge”? Or is it that most people are still strongly casteist and xenophobic and cannot associate relations with “out of caste” people?
Even though it may be a one-off/fringe judgement, it is saddening since individual freedom and independence is being sacrificed once again at the altar of phony “Indian social values and morals”
Read more about this judgement case here:

“Parents are in all circumstances, not bound to concede absolute decisional autonomy to their children, even if they have attained majority”, rules the Kerala High Court [Read Judgment]

The Kerala High Court went on to hold “Ours is a society which has recognised freedom to every citizen. But then, these changes that we proudly talk about, and the liberties that are guaranteed to our citizens, cannot be stretched beyond limits nor can such freedom be made weapons to destroy our fundamental values or social establishments like families, which, undoubtedly, concede authority on parents to advise and guide their children. We cannot accept as a general principle that the parents are in all circumstances, bound to concede absolute decisional autonomy to their children, even if they have attained majority and remain helpless even in situations where their wards have taken wrong and immature decisions, which will be disastrous not only to the wards themselves but also to the family itself. Such parental authority, except in cases such as those pointed out by the Chancery Division and approved in Sadanandan’s case, should be out of bounds for a writ court, because it is exercised for the ultimate benefit of the ward. It may be to the dislike of the ward, who may resist it and even turn hostile to the parents. But, such immature reactions should not be allowed to influence our judgment, since the ultimate aim and purpose of all these exercise is the welfare of the ward. This Court therefore should, except in extra ordinary situations, loathe interference in cases where the natural parental authority is exercised to the dislike of a lover or even the ward.” [Link]

Another link – http://www.thehindu.com/todays-paper/tp-national/tp-kerala/hc-on-parents-rights/article5738845.ece

Related Posts:

Family court matters taken away from Justice Bhakthavatsala

Parents should choose the boy for a girl aged below 21, as it is they who bear the brunt of an unsuccessful marriage – Karnataka HC

“Ask your father if he has never beaten your mother!” Please adjust.

Supreme court has made it clear that a girl above 18 can marry or live with anyone of her choice.

The Powers of the Protectors.

Emotion of love and affection compelled the convict. ‘Love not a crime’, says Delhi Court.

“About household financial status… his parents have done all that they can, and now have passed the baton to their three sons.”

“They say that they don’t have any problem with the guy, but don’t like his family!”

It’s possible that the email writer’s parents believe that when an Indian woman marries a man, she marries his family. Do the email writer and the man she wishes to marry believe that too?

Sharing an email. Emphasis (in bold) is mine – I would not ignore any of these issues, specially since the email writer plans to live with this family. Why is a daughter in law in the family unhappy/unfriendly/unwelcoming? Why the lack of clarity about where she would be living with the family when she marries into this family? Why not meet all the family members she would be living with? How are the parents to be financially supported – who earns, invests and spends, and how much?

* * *

Hi,

I have just joined this group to have some emotional support. I am being asked to choose between my parents and the guy I love. But the twist here is that, neither of them are wrong. Then how do I choose who is right?

The situation: I met a guy in college (same engg batch), and have been with him since then (approx 2.5 yrs). He immediately made me meet his fun-loving family, who adored me and loved me madly! His parents are not educated, but are very loving, open-minded and modern. Over the time, I came to know their lifestyle. I was made aware that a long time back, uncle’s eatery business suffered, due to which they had to sell their house to support the finances and their children, but are recovering now. They already live a very good lifestyle.

My parents are educated and Himachali brahmins by caste. So naturally, when i told my mom about my guy, she was apprehensive and shocked (majorly due to caste difference as he is Punjabi, and scared of my father’s and extended family’s reaction). However, surprisingly, 3 months back, my parents met him, and liked him!

🙂 I even told my parents about the financial problem his family faced, and that they are living in a rented house at the moment, and will soon buy their new house by middle of this year. They did not have any problem, and decided to slowly and gently inform my extended family whenever the time was right. All seemed to be going fine then!

Now, 2 months back, my eldest mamuji (mother’s eldest bro) came to visit us. While I was in office in evening, my mom decided to inform her brother about us, and after listening to her, my mamuji decided to visit my guy’s parents the next morning. They went there, met his parents and came back. I and my guy were waiting with bated breaths about the decision. But, we were just not prepared for what was to follow!  😦

My mom and mamuji did not like his household at all! I’ll list down their opinions in short summaries –

1) They did not like the rented house his parents are currently staying in. Even though they know that they’ll shift into their own house mid-year, but still, their first impression was not good.

2) Due to the cultural and educational difference, my mother felt that the household and people are entirely different than what we are. She feels that she and my dad can never talk to them due to communication gap and different mentality level.

3) His mom, maybe in some nervousness or what (i don’t know), gave vague answers (maybe she did not want to share it before actually moving in there). Like when my mom asked about the family’s plans to shift to their own house, she said that they are still deciding on the place, and will shift mid year. My mom assumed, that the family has lied, and has no plans of shifting at all (infact at this point of time, they have already paid the down payment of their new house). In another instance, while being asked about household financial status, his parents replied in a way to show that now they have done all that they can, and now have passed the baton to their three sons. My mom interpreted it to be that the parents have no money at all, and are dependent on children (which is not wrong, I would love my parents to be dependent on me as well). She feels that the family is under some financial trouble, despite my best attempts to expel and negate that thought!

4) His bhabhi (sister in law) created the max problem. She is very very VERY reserved, and even though coming from an extremely rich household and possessing a MDS degree, does not talk or smile much. They say its her nature, and that she was like this even at her own house. But I think she should have the brains to know what when there are guests at home, she ought to smile and greet them warmly, which she didn’t! She just kept quiet! My folks interpreted it that she is NOT happy about me coming in that household. My guy and his family are ready to apologize for her behavior, but my parents don’t want that now.

5) Last but not the least, I thought our horoscopes match (we already matched them on various authentic sites). We score 19/36. But now, my mamuji says that he has a very low mangal dosha, and that some other traits don’t match! I don’t believe in horoscopes. But he put the doubt in my family’s mind.

My guy and his family basically live as a joint family with other family members as well, who are in general very very rich. Its just that his parents wanted that my family know them first, before going on to meet the rest. Now the current status is that my parents are having second thoughts about my guy. They have asked me to take 6 months, and decide if indeed this is the family for me! At one point of time, my mom would tease me using my guy’s name, today she doesn’t like hearing his name! and then they say, that they don’t have any problem with the guy, but don’t like his family! His family is on the verge of giving the down-payment of their new house, and shift there in the next 2 months, but my mom is not having any of it!

I cannot dream of living without my guy, ‘cos he’s everything that any girl could ask for! And the fact that my parents liked him too, before having a biased opinion now, is not helping me either! I am not those sorts to run away with him, or hang a sword on my parents’ neck, ordering me to get married to him and no one else! But at the same time, my parents should understand that it is ME who’s going to stay with the family, and that I love the family! I understand their concerns, but they cannot ask me to leave the guy just ‘cos they think they cannot have a proper communication with his parents due to educational difference and mentality (both can speak awesome Punjabi though)! I love my parents, and cannot see them unhappy, but I love him too, and will have an extreeeeeemely miserable life if its not with him!

Please help! I am having a depression+nervous breakdown cos of this! Is it worth it to stand for my love, and argue this down with my parents? Will they ever forgive me? Will this decision of mine make them bow their heads down in front of society? (that’s what they tell me)! Or should I listen to my parents thinking that whatever they do will be for my benefit!?? Please please help me!

S

I request this email writer to take a look at these posts,

1. A detailed check list of conditions from modern young women of marriageable age.

2. 18 questions for young women (and men) of ‘marriageable age’.

3. What would you not change for love?

4. “I will never live in a joint family, it has its roots in patriarchy and benefits only men.”

5. An email from a Happily Married Indian Daughter in law…

And, Please watch Queen.

Related Posts:

“My in-laws don’t hate me at all. But ‘love’ isn’t about all this. ‘Love’ is about letting your loved one ‘live’.”

The invisible family member in the saas-bahu post.

“I had written an email about being a DIL in the joint family, I am happy to share my current state …”

An email from a DIL living in a Joint Family: Should I adjust or should I leave?

My husband gives me the usual ‘you have not just married me, you have married my family..’ sermon

Supreme court has made it clear that a girl above 18 can marry or live with anyone of her choice.

An email. Aren’t the sons supposed to have their own family lives?

“I have reached 26 and my parents have started pressurizing me. My BF is the same age. But my BF is youngest in family!”

Sharing an email.

Dear IHM,

To begin my story, I am 26 year old working in an IT company for past 2 years. Living independently for past 8 years that includes my education and work experience.

Now I have reached 26 and my parents are looking for guy for arranged marriage and have started pressurizing me. Me and my BF’s are of same age. But my BF is youngest in family. He has an elder sister and brother who are still unmarried. They are 3 years older to him.

We are now utterly confused what to do and how to take things forward with family.

If he talks with his family the emotional drama that you have unmarried sister how you can think of your marriage, you care about that girl etc etc will start.

If I talk with my family they will start this right age of marriage, think about your younger sister, how you can marry in different caste etc.

Everything will turn up into mess without any result in our favor. This way is not giving a positive vibes to me for our relationship. It will create only tension and increased pressure on both of us to break this relationship.

I am very depressed these days. Why there is such strict hierarchy of marriage? May be his brother thinks of higher education and didn’t get married then what will happen to our marriage.
If my BF pressurizes his brother to get married then what about his higher education in case it takes time in marriage of his sister and brother. What about my sister in case if I wait for my BF for 2-3 years, then her marriageable age and time will come in way.
Why I have to marry within a 1-2 years so that my sister gets married on time? Why in our society, we (we included everyone) have to scarifies our happiness, our aspiration, our dreams and love for our dear ones? Why to scarify for maintaining marriage hierarchy. If I refuse to do so and take tough stand then I will be termed as selfish, mean, troublemaker, black sheep, self-centered etc etc by everyone (includes parents, extended family, friends and faceless society).
Why we can not marry when we feel that we should marry for love and partnership in life. Why there is such a strict rule for marriage among siblings. Why we are labeled as traitor if we stand for ourselves. Why our society is like this
I am very sad and depressed. What should I do in this situation? We want to take our relationship forward but don’t know what should be our next step.

Please help.

 Thanks
In Love
Related Posts:

“Everyone knows, when she decides not to keep relation, she will do that. But I don’t want to go far away from my mother, I want her to be with me.”

It seems the whole idea of having a son for many Indians is to enjoy the privileges of being the Ladke Wale – namely or atleast mainly, an obedient daughter in law chosen by the parents. The son’s happiness is generally not taken too seriously. A common reasoning given is that the son  doesn’t quite know ‘what’s good for him’ and the parents always want ‘the best for him’.  

Also, a happily married son is not seen as ‘successful parenting’, an Obedient Son or a Shravan Kumar is. Which is why even the gods we worship are admired for being obedient sons and not happy men who made sensible, strong and happy choices.

[The rules change a little for daughters, Happily Married Daughters (or daughters who appear to Happily Married) are seen as a status symbol]

What kind of parental love is this? Why would any parent want their child to go through this? 

“My mother is very stubborn ( Ziddi ), everyone knows, when she decides not to keep relation, she will do that with 100% guaranteed. But I don’t want to go far away from my mother, I want her to be with me.”

Please help this 25 year old Indian male who wants to marry out of caste, and whose mother asked : “How can you think about her without our consent ??” Is that an example of the much touted Indian maternal love?

What kind of life can his wife expect if they do marry without all these issues being resolved first?

His email was published here:

Is it possible that the ones whose disapproval is dreaded the most are those who are most likely to express disapproval (and occasional approval)?

Here’s his response.

Dear IHM Readers,

Thank you very much for motivating me with all your valuable suggestions on my last e-mail.

I took stand, and finally, the false marriage is cancelled. Happy at this part, as I saved Girl’s life, chosen  by my family,  I am always blessing her for her happy marriage life with decent guy of her choice. But some obstacles are lying in middle.

I again request IHM readers to give me some suggestion, which is required for final shot and for successfully marry my loved one.

Few days back I fought with my Mother and brother that I can’t marry anyone because of culture and standing. I am sorry for that, but I can’t marry a girl just because she is of same caste. Either I will marry of my choice or remain single forever.

Everyone in my family was fainted, angry….. Then again the same drama began, emotional blackmail, torture, crying, hunger strike etc etc. But this time I took firm stand by informing them that this is my final decision whatsoever you people react, I don’t care. My marriage is none of your business as far as my happiness is concerned.

The same drama was going on and on for last seven days, but I was unshakable. And finally two days later my elders informed everyone in girl’s family that I am not ready to marry, as I already have an affair.

Girl’s family made some drama, but eventually they agreed and marriage was cancelled.

Now my mother is not talking to me since last 4 days. She is continuously taunting me for spoiling her reputation in society and SAMAJ. She made me clear in front of everyone that you do whatever you want and leave my house. She indicated me that she will never see my face for entire life and same she is expecting with me. My mother is very stubborn ( Ziddi ), everyone knows, when she decides not to keep relation, she will do that with 100% guaranteed. But I don’t want to go far away from my mother, I want her to be with me.

 

Please help me with the valuable suggestions. How to get through.

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Love Marriages spoil the Family System of our Nation.

An email: “I have absolutely decided that I will not marry her, but I am wondering if I made the right choice.”

Response from the email writer accused of betraying her “parents, country and culture by not having an arranged marriage”

Of how men’s masculinities are connected to their wives taking their names.

Is it possible that the ones whose disapproval is dreaded the most are those who are most likely to express disapproval (and occasional approval)?

Controlling other people’s personal lives and happiness is an intrinsic part of any patriarchal society. Threats, violence, boycotts and denial of independence etc are the more visible control methods  ofcourse, but mostly the control is achieved with the power of ‘disapproval’.
Whose approval do many Indians seek while permitting and taking personal decisions, including those that their children’s happiness depends upon? Is it really the general public and random third cousins they are afraid of displeasing? Do these ‘people’ or ‘log’ have faces?

Is it also possible that the ones whose disapproval is dreaded the most are those who are most likely to express disapproval (and occasional approval)? (As in, ‘comment’, ‘advice’ or a ‘timely  compliment’ as they deem appropriate)? If this is the case, then how is this controlling any different from other manipulative and controlling relationships? 

So does it also mean that expressing an unasked for opinion on other people’s personal lives can in a way empower those who wish to control or manipulate?

What makes this control so powerful that it can overpower parental love? Or maybe this exaggerated fear of  society or ‘log’ that some parents have, is an excuse to control their children?

Sharing an email.

Dear Sir / Madam

I am Indian, 25 Years Male ( Unmarried ), work in *** Group of companies. Since last 7 years I have been working in different organisations and with good experience. From last two years I am in relation with a girl of different caste ( She is 23 years, her family already approved our relation ), but we are from same state. In my family there is Mother, Grand Mother, two elder brother ( Both Married ), Uncle, Aunty, Cousin sisters. We are joint family. Father & Grand Father got expired 4 years back. My family ( Specially my Mother and Eldest Brother ) is very strict against Inter Caste / Love marriage. The day I put my opinion in front of them, all went against my favour. I was and still being Criminal as per their understanding, Just because of three words ‘’’’’’’ Log kya Kahenge ??? ‘’’’’’ ( What Society / relative will think )………… all this is made me very upset and sad day by day. They are thinking about such society and relative, who don’t have any rights to comment on my personal life, and if they are commenting on the same, I don’t even care, because I know I am not doing anything wrong, Inter Caste / Inter Racial Marriage was already been approved in 1954 by Constitution of India ( Supreme Court ).

I will share point to point that my Mother & Brother taunting / blaming  me every day, even till date.

-I can’t show face in to our society / relative / friends etc.

-Society will boycott us forever.

-I will go to ANATH ASHRAM ( NGO’s ) if you are not interested in listening to us

-I will suicide if you elope with girl of another caste / race.

-Society / relative / Parents happiness are more important that child happiness. Because they will only support us in future. ( This was Bullshit )

-How can you think about her without our consent ??.

-If you want to marry her, you have to leave house and go to some other place, we can’t tolerate any one going against culture of our SAMAJ ( community )

-Mother gone on hunger strike for some days.

-Emotional blackmail, daily Torture, hours of crying. Making sad faces.

-Mother claims that I broke her heart, she will die early because of my nonsense.

-Mother and brother also claims that my father passed away because of same problem (My 2nd elder brother did inter caste marriage, after 4-5 months my father got expired, which they think is because of my brother, and everyone knows that was wrong news).

-Now after your father, you are planning to make me die as soon as possible.

-People will laugh on us just because of you.

-We have done so much for you since birth and you are showing me these days.

-If I would have known that you will do such nonsense, we would have killed you at the time of birth.

And many other blames.

After listening to all such blame and daily drama, I agreed to go for arranged marriage as per my family wishes. They even approved of one girl of our own caste and made me say ‘’yes’’ in front of everyone by blackmailing be of suicide. I eventually said ‘’’yes’’.

Since last 1 month I am upset because all such nonsense…….. and I don’t like to talk to anyone in my family or friends etc. I feel to stay more time alone in silent places. Now my family is again using same procedure of blackmail and asking me to laugh and be happy in front of everyone, so that everyone one around me think that I am happy from inside. But this is what I can’t do forcefully. You can’t keep any person happy forcefully.

I need suggestion from readers, is that all blame valid as per my mother and brother ??? ….. also please help me with your valuable suggestions.

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An email. Aren’t the sons supposed to have their own family lives?

Display of respect to those in power, in Indian culture.

An email from An Adult Male of India : “Every single family sitting or phone call will eventually lead to….”

An email: I am 18 year old male from a traditional (read:backward) Indian family.

“Why didn’t these women find life partners by dating?”

An email from an Indian Husband… and a Good Indian Son.

Love Marriages spoil the Family System of our Nation.

Inter Religious marriages.

“Do my parents have two different standards and expectations for my brother and for us?”

Is your relationship healthy?

Haryana killing : Here is a father A P Singh might want to defend.

For some Indians the Indian culture can be saved in only one way – by ensuring that young Indians do not choose their own partners, which is why they claim, that Love Marriages spoil the Family System of our Nation.

They believe the present ‘social order’ creates  harmony, happiness, contentment, safe environment for all and hence must be protected with stabbings and lynching of the less powerful and/or dependent members.

And this is the culture that claims to respect women.

Haryana killing: I did it for honour, girl’s remorseless father says

(Link shared by Madhavi Kaivalya K)

CHANDIGARH: A day after butchering his daughter and her lover in full public view at Garnauthi village in Haryana’s Rohtak district,Narender alias Billu, a canine farm owner and a wrestler, on Thursday showed scant regard for the law of the land and declared, “Whatever I did was right and for honour. If others also follow the same path, then such things (love marriages in violation of social norms) won’t take place.”

Parents of 18-year-old Nidhi, who was killed in cold blood along with her lover, and her uncle were remanded in police custody on Thursday. In front of the Rohtak court, Billu did not show any remorse and told the local media that his daughter had brought disgrace to the family.

Police said Nidhi’s parents confessed to killing their daughter and her lover Dharmender since their affair had insulted the family in the society

….

Which is why I think –

What Khaps India need is a strictly implemented law against Forced Marriages.

Related Posts:

“This man is openly threatening his daughter and is instigating others to burn alive their daughters.”

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An email: I am 18 year old male from a traditional (read:backward) Indian family.

How illegal bans on Valentine’s day and birthday parties are connected with dowry deaths and sex selection.