“Every time this issue comes up, my husband has just one ground – I can’t change my parents. I don’t agree to their behaviour… but they make my life hell. Please cooperate and manage, shanti rakho!”
Sharing a comment, by Rtag.
I have my own story to share. I am not really sure what is it that I am looking for… reassurance or solutions!
I am a married woman. My father has been unemployed for as long as I remember. Because of this my brother, my mother and I suffered a lot.
Even though he had been unemployed for so long and never shouldered his responsibilities, by God’s grace and luck, I was able to complete my studies and find a decent job. My brother on the other hand went astray, but is now back with a decent job and I am supporting and encouraging him to complete his studies.
Because of my father, I started working really early, at the age of about 18 – tuitions, then receptionist, then Tele caller, and finally today I work for a consulting firm. I earn good income and considering my own background, sometimes I feel proud of myself that I have come so far.
Anyway, coming back to the point… I never wanted to marry. Reason being I knew that no one would marry a girl whose father doesn’t have a penny to spend and is dependent on her daughter. But as it so happened, I met a guy, fell in love with him and inspite of my background and condition that I will always support my parents and brother, he agreed to marry me. [A married woman does not have the freedom to spend on her parents and will have to request and hope for her husband’s permission to do so.]
“…inspite of my condition that I will always support my parents and brother, he agreed to marry me.”
I have been married for almost 6 years now and truly never had a fight with my husband because of issues between us. We have always been able to discuss and sort things out. But when it comes to his parents – everything goes haywire. Some of the issues I face with them:
1. My parents are not allowed to visit me at my place. None of my relatives are welcome either. As per my in laws it’s bad!
2. I cannot talk to any of my relatives or parents for long. It has to be short, crisp, and to the point. [IHM: This is not uncommon, Indian brides told to reduce mobile phone use.]
3. I cannot visit my parents or relatives when I want to, I need permission from my in laws. [IHM: This happens all the time, “She stayed with her parents for thirty years, now she is married so it’s an end to her relationship with her parents.”]
I have a two year old daughter. My parents have hardly ever spent any time with her because of these reasons! I feel I am cheating them out of something that’s their right.
While I was pregnant, I called my mother and dadi to stay with me for a few weeks. My in-laws didn’t want to stay or support me at that time for reasons of their own. My FIL called my father saying I don’t like you or anybody from your family residing with my son at their house. This is just one of instance. This has happened many times over the course of my marriage. When my father asked why don’t you like it, he had no answers.
Last year I called my parents to be with me for a month, so they can spend sometime with their granddaughter. My in laws threw a lot of tantrum on that as well, and today when I asked my husband if I can call my parents for a few weeks, he declined.
Every time this issue comes up, my husband has just one ground – I can’t change my parents. I don’t agree to their behaviour… but they make my life hell. Please cooperate and manage, “shanti rakho”!
He just does not want to stand up to them even if they are wrong… because he hates fighting (verbal or physical). But this had started to affect me badly now. I can see the hypocrisy and can’t digest it. Same things are right for him, wrong for me.
He makes plan to visit his parents as and when they call and he likes, but this is not applied for me. His parents can come and go as they please, mine cannot.
I have tried over and over to make my husband understand my plight, but it does not make any difference. I don’t want to end our relationship on these grounds, because we truly share a beautiful bond. But these are a few issues that just don’t resolve and I feel abused, deteriorated and lost.
Please advise. I really need third person’s insight on this situation.