This email is about a new beginning on Gudi Padwa, but there are apprehensions, “Through your blog I want to understand if I have taken the right decision and see what’s the next course of action.”
I have been a silent spectator of you blog and thoroughly enjoy it . At times it has consoled me, guided me and helped me in analyzing my situation. I am writing this mail to you after many months of thinking .
Please post it in your blog and help me.This is going to be a loong mail. Please read it patiently and guide me.
I am 29, done my Masters and working in a software company. We are 2 daughters and me the elder one. I belong to a very middle class family with working dad and homemaker mom. They have struggled to get us to this position and we owe every bit of our success to my parents . They have brought us up as very independent and strong minded gals, We are shown up as finest examples in dads friends circle for studies and they we have taken care of our parents after we both sisters started to work . My dad is my role model and my everything to me .
The trouble in the paradise started when my parents started searching marriage alliance for me , I was 26 then . Every guy who came in was just looking how much dowry my parents could give. Adding to that I was overweight too. We never wanted to encourage dowry So, the hunt was getting delayed.
One day we got a alliance from a matrimonial site, He was from a village but settled in our city for past many years, LESSER EDUCATED but was self made man and come up in his life own with great difficulty. He too into software firm. He is good looking and was not into dowry and stuff. We took time to agree as we had to do background verification of his, everywhere we asked about him resulted in a good feedback. So, finally we decided to get married. He was from a broken family , younger brother had got married before him and has a kid, younger unmarried sister who was already 31 by then.
Me and My family thought that the guys family background doesn’t matter, cos the guy is good and self made . Since, both of us were working the financial condition of his family wouldn’t affect us .
We got engaged in 2009 in a very grand way , and after 5 months was the wedding . Everything went well till the engagement , and after that slowly the real him started showing up. He was very calculative and never used to spend whenever we used to go out . I never minded that as I was spending for us He used to be always silent and never speak anything . I used to console myself, that he might be stressed arranging everything by himself for the marriage from the guys side. Occasionally he used to scold me very rudely which turned it to regular thing close to marriage , I was not used to such rude behavior ever. I still remained silent , as the days for marriage came close he had spoken of breaking the marriage 3 times . I would always end up crying and somehow convincing him.
Slowly it started to hit that I am not happy and still continued with this relationship as we were engaged and breaking the engagement would mean a lot of hurt to my parents. Now, I feel I should have been brave enuff , at least I would have been happy. There was no mental peace and had hid everything from my parents .
His tantrums increased and I started feeling that I have compromised so much for the wedding, The reasons being
a) He was not from a good family background
b) He was much less educated than me
c) Very poor family
Still I went ahead just thinking that he has gone through so much in life and now he would try and keep me happy atleast. He would try to show me all that love which he had never had since all these years.This was the only reason for us to agree for the wedding.
Just 3 weeks before the wedding I was shocked seeing his profile in social n/w site, he had all scantily dressed females as his friends those vulgar kind of profiles. He was 33 by then and had some 18-19 year old gals whom he had never met. When I questioned he said when he had added them they were properly dressed but now the profile pic have been changed and he was not aware of it . Though it was not a convincing reply, I still remained silent.
On the marriage day too he and his side people threw so much tantrums which forced me too decide that I would break the wedding after reception, again I could not muster the courage. So many problems created by his side during wedding didn’t reach me as my parents didn’t allow it to reach me. We spent around 14 lakhs towards the wedding and still deep inside none of our family members were happy. 14 lakhs was a huge amount for a middle class family like ours .
After the wedding I was taken to their house in a village, that day i saw the real thing of their home. His younger brother was a drunkard and both the brothers were fighting on the road. I was shocked to see such a kind of behavior. I might not have come from a rich family but my parents have brought us up in a standard way. Couldn’t come of shock for 2 days and please keep in mind it was just on the day of the wedding. The stay in his native was not good as the brothers fought on both the nights when I was there. I heard someone from his village, that this is how they have been 3rd rated. He hid the fact that his brother’s wedding was almost broken and the gal had put a dowry case.
That’s when I realized my life was doomed. Still my husband tried to keep me happy. Frankly I was happy in this wedding only the day after marriage . After that its only been crying . Here and there small things of his behavior hurt me a lot and but like any other Indian gal I too felt that it was the starting trouble.
We came back to our city, and stayed in my mom’s home for sometime as the house which we were supposed to shift was not yet ready. While paying advance to that house, he had expected my parents to help him financially for setting up the house and that too was fulfilled but not as per his expectations. Since he was the first son-in- law of the house, he was treated with great respect which he didn’t deserve .
We shifted to our home one month after the wedding, I had expected a lot of physical intimacy/ romantic involvement from him but i was proved wrong. He was never interested in anything and use to just watch TV and sleep only after I go to sleep. The first weekend after we shifted he opened the finance topic and that’s when I told him I had taken loan of 4 lakhs for the wedding and paying 10k monthly towards it. This was cos I didn’t want to be burden on my parents and wanted to help them. I have always been financially independent, I would never ever ask my husband to pay my loans as it was my responsibility. He got very angry for that and started abusing my dad and beat me.
I was taken aback with this behavior of his, cos I never wanted a guy who would physically abuse me. Now, that I had got one I was shocked and scared. I started developing fear towards him. That was the day he openly told that from then on He would never ask me anything neither should I ask and just be for the heck of being . He said that if he had known abt the loan he would not have married me. Just for 4 lakhs how could anyone be so cheap. Even after the loan I could save around 15k per month and was ready to put as OUR savings. Tried to convince him so much and even went on to say that dad owns 2 floor home and and one day we would have one, but nothing helped . Things went for worse.
He stopped speaking to me, every time I would beg, cry and nothing changed. There was no communication at all between us and even small kind of communication would be through mails or message. He would never call me and if he called it would be only for scolding me for some small thing at home. He never agreed to keep a maid. So, I had to wake up at 5 prepare BF, lunch clean the house and go to work. He helped me my washing vessels for some days and after that he stopped that too. At my mom’s home, I never used to do any work and here I ended up doing up everything still I didn’t complain as I thought atleast by doing this he would show some love to me.
I used to go mad being in the same house and no communication and would love to go to office as I would get so many people to speak and mingle with. Every fortnight I use to run to my mom’s home just cos there would be folks who would love me and care me . My parents sensed there was something wrong and only gave me advice to adjust and go as they thought I was not able to adjust. He would speak so lovingly to other gals or neighbors but never would speak to me.
He used to stare at every single gal on the road till that gal would go out of sight, so I started feeling insecure too. He would never take me out, not that he went out . He would never come with me to temple too. I tried every possible way to keep him happy but nothing worked. I would just stick to my parents words that in the first year of the wedding, we need to work . After that marriage works for you.
Since I am overweight, I used to snore and he gave this reason and started sleeping separately.
I started living 2 LIVES, One the real me who is cheerful and the other who was so submissive and would never open her mouth. Suddenly he came up with this idea that I should study for Civil Service and he forced me to join classes too. My parents and me took it in a positive way that he is sooo good that he wants his wife to study and get a good name in the society. Since the classes were near to mom’s home, I shifted to mom’s home and he was there alone.
It was very tough for me to manage studies, classes and work, I would sleep only 3 hrs a day and was working very hard so that he would love me for this atleast. Due to this running around and stuff I gained lot of weight. I was in mom’s home for 8 months and not even a single day he came to see me, though we were in the same city and it was hardly 45 min drive from my home to mom’s home. I only used to go every weekend after classes to my home and meet him. Neither did he help me in money to pay the classes nor did he buy me any books. Everything was done by me and my parents just to fulfill his dream.
Since my neighbors saw me at moms place , started speaking about me which my parents couldn’t tolerate and decided to send me back, He never came to get me also. My parents thought things should not go out of hand and sent me back but immediately the next day only he got me and dropped me back at moms home.. he fought and shouted and scolded me badly.
Amidst all this he wanted a baby too, though he had openly said that he was not mentally prepared for the wedding. If he was not mentally prepared for the wedding at the age of 34, then why did he marry to spoil my life. I was not ready initially for the baby cos there was absolutely no understanding between us. But as we finished a year I thought atleast if I agree for kid atleast then things would change between us for better. I was under tremendous pressure with all the running around for classes,work and now kid..
How can I have a kid when there were no feeling, no love between us. But like any other typical Indian gal I too thought having a kid would help us in someway , So i started folic acid tablets too. All this when I was at mom’s home. In Feb 2011 I went back to my home after 8 months as my application for IAS had got rejected due to some issue .
In between I had got hit several times, not that severely but still being an educated gal would never approve a man beating his wife. Many times I would think I come out of this marriage, but I had my younger sis who was not yet married, SO continued to undergo everything silently . When things went out of hand I had decided that once my sis would get married I would end this wedding. But the efforts were on somehow make this marriage work. When I was unable to take it, i secretly wished that I would get onsite opportunity and would get some peace of mind.
I cant really put in words the amount of mental agony, distress I have faced in this 2 years . All my hardwork and cribbing, crying never changed anything. Things can be told to people who will understand and not for people who would not want to understand at all.
Being in software field, I had always dreamt of going onsite (abroad) gain lot of exposure and obviously make money. I had spoken to him about this even before wedding and he had agreed. So in July I got an offer to travel abroad for sometime. Obviously I was elated . I know was being coward and running away from all the things which was bad or rather tuff and wouldn’t change . But I needed this .
As the days started nearing for my travel, I also felt sadness in leaving him. But secretly hoped he would feel my absence and atleast some thing good would happen. But all that went for a toss, He said he wouldn’t drop me to the airport as he was feeling sleepy. On the night before I traveled he came to hit me in front of my parents in the hotel while having dinner.
My parents were shocked with this behavior of him, cos till then they had not known even single thing between us. They were always under the impression that there was some trouble but it would smoothen out as the days passed by. The night which was supposed to be my happiest night became the saddest one as my parents were clueless about whats happening between us . They were under so much pain..
I went abroad, though I went there there was no peace of mind. I never wanted my parents to get to know and now they had got to know that I was in trouble. the weekend after I left India my parents went to him and tried speaking but he was only shouting and screaming and demanded an apartment. This was the same guy who didn’t want any dowry. He used singular words to my parents. Like this they have tried to speak 3 times to him but nothing worked. All this I was not knowing as my parents didn’t tell me anything. Neither did he do, cos there was absolutely no contact between us once I left India. I had mailed him 2 times but there was no reply. For one of the mail. he just replied saying he doesn’t want me to work. I called him couple of times and every time he would say he was busy and can’t speak.
The unbearable amount of pain my parents have undergone during this time is unexplainable.This went on for 3 months, in between my sister’s wedding was getting fixed, for which they went to invite him. He behaved rudely that time too . Things had gone beyond control. That is when my parents got ready mentally for either positive or negative. I came back to India in feb 2012 for my sis wedding .
Once I was back, my parents spoke to me got to know everything in detail and asked my decision. I was prepared mentally to break the marriage. It sure shocked my parents but they being very supportive parents understood me and decided to be with me. We just wanted my sister’s marriage to get over without any fuss and after that we would decide the course of action. But just 3 days before the wedding he came and threatened my parents. The wedding was a grand success and both sides were so happy during the wedding. Though my family was undergoing immense pressure and grief cos of my life, we never showed it during the wedding. He didn’t attend the wedding and everybody who came asked only about him. It hurt me, it was a planned humiliation from his side.
After all these he had the guts to drop a mail saying he wants a mutual consent divorce. It has been a month sine he mailed and there has been no action from him, which clearly shows he is playing some game ..
Dear IHM, I have suffered enough from him and his family for these 2 years and I don’t want to suffer anymore. I was very submissive and not being me in the marriage. It’s tuff to live as somebody who is not me, and being like this for next 30 years is not going to be possible. His demand of me quitting job wont happen cos with me being in job only he has not spent a single pie for me , so i can imagine if I sit at home. Even if my husband was all loving towards me I wouldn’t have agreed for that, cos I feel a gal has to be financially independent . And there was no reason given when asked as to why I had to quit, In a marriage, compromise should be on both the sides and not just from one single person. It was like being single when I was married.
I had only expected love and care from him and nothing else, I was ready to do anything for him. I have shared only few of the things here. We had just expected him to be a son to our parents house and nothing else. I was an stupid emotional fool and took a wrong decision during my wedding, probably if I would have been practical I wouldn’t have landed up in this position.
Now, I have applied for mutual divorce cos I feel I have all the right to live happily and I cant be happy with him.
I was not happy in any sense in the wedding . Marriage has not got me any kind of happiness.
I have taken the decision now, frankly I feel liberated and tension free 🙂 I have very supportive parents and I thank god for that.
Through your blog I would want to understand if I have taken the right decision and see whats the next course of action.
Thanks In Advance.
This is what is wrong with our society – SOS
Feminism has gone to women’s head. Divorce has become like selling onions. – IHM
Marriages are sold to Indian women in a glossy cover…? – IHM
Are Happily Married Daughters a status symbol in India? – IHM
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