Suicide: How You Can Help

Guest Post by Pragmatic Dreamer


“Did you really want to die?”
“No one commits suicide because they want to die.”
“Then why do they do it?”
“Because they want to stop the pain.”

― Tiffanie DeBartoloHow to Kill a Rock Star

There are so many articles, movies, TV shows, Cartoons, experts, doctors and so many people who talk about what Suicide is.
They say how unnatural & selfish the person who commits suicide is, they say that they should’ve just asked for help, they say they don’t think of anyone else but themselves, they say they’re just stupid or that they just wanted attention.

I’m just another person to tell you what it really is. What you really feel at that moment you want to just die.

I can tell you that, it’s not like that moment when you say I’ve had such a bad day, I want to die. No, it isn’t that moment when your grades are low that one exam & you want to just die. It isn’t when your bills came out so high that month, you want to die.

No, that isn’t what it is.

It’s days, weeks & months of pain,
Pain that takes you to point when you can’t feel anything
It’s pain that drags you to a corner
And makes you hate everything and feel nothing
It repeats the bad stuff over & over & over

It’s when you push the good stuff away
It’s when you know you’re a burden
When the smallest of mistakes make you feel like a loser

It’s the constant pain
Just & only pain

It’s days of being underwater with no way out
It’s days of hating yourself
It’s days of breathing with your ‘heart under attack’
It’s days of your brain telling you to quit
It’s days of people telling you to go away
It’s days of bullying
It’s days of being called a ‘loser’
It’s days of crying & suffering

It’s days of no one smiling at you
It’s days of no one asking you “How are you?”
It’s days of no one caring for you
It’s days & days of torture within the core of your very being

It’s days of knowing it won’t matter if you’re alive anyway

So, it’s better off, being dead instead.

There are about 800,000 people who die by suicide every year(1.4% of all deaths worldwide). I say die here, but there are many, many more who attempt it. According to WHO, “There are indications that for each adult who died of suicide there may have been more than 20 others attempting suicide.”*  

So what are some signs that a person wants to commit suicide?

1. They stop being themselves – by this I mean, they don’t dress like they used to, or miss classes & take too many off days at work, they don’t work like they used to, they don’t enjoy the things they used to, you see a dramatic loss or gain in their weight etc.

2. They seem erratically happy, by giving away their favorite possessions, a big party etc.

3. They say things like: “It’s better if I’m not around”, “Soon you won’t see me around”, “Things will be okay, I won’t be around anyway”, “I can’t seem to work on this like I used to before”, “I just didn’t feel like doing this”….

(Remember, just because they said this once doesn’t mean their suicidal. Look for signs, most of them overlap. It isn’t just one thing, it’s usually a mix of multiple things.)

How can you help?

I’ll try & keep this brief. There are links to more detailed articles at the bottom to address this question.

The first thing you need to remember is, you cannot wish their problems away. The only thing you can do is provide support & help & take them to the necessary counsellors or psychologists who have the professional means & knowledge of helping them.

Ask them if they are planning to kill themselves. (Yes, you have to ask this. And believe me, it’s hard when you actually have to ask.)

If they say yes, ask them, how are they planning to do it, when and where?

If they answer these questions, don’t react in a condescending manner, instead just tell them that you feel terrible that they wish to take their life & that you want to help. Ask them if they will be okay if you call a hotline, a person they trust or take them to a specialist etc. They shouldn’t be left alone.

(You can do the above even when they say no.)

One of the main things to remember is to stay calm & speak to them in a calm but assertive voice. All you have to do is listen – non-judgmentally.

Note: Education is key. The more you educate yourself on Mental Health Issues & Suicide, the better equipped you would be.

For more info, please see these articles:

Related post from IHM:

—————————————————————————————————————–From Priya:

Suicide doesn’t just happen to “other people”.  It could be someone right next to you – a friend, a coworker, a kid in your neighborhood.  If we are aware, maybe we can help this someone.  Often when suicide happens in their midst, people feel shocked because they never suspected anything.  Sometimes they feel guilty for not having reached out, because they did notice some signs but were not sure what to do.  It is important therefore, to know how to help, if you suspect something.  Thank you to Pragmatic Dreamer for raising awareness regarding this.

Sharing from readers:

  • Are you concerned about someone around you being suicidal?
  • Do you know someone who attempted suicide?  What helped in their situation
  • Have you contemplated suicide?  Have you sought help?
  • Have you overcome your suicidal feelings?  Please describe the process/journey you went through.
  • If you have direct experience with the situation (you yourself have contemplated suicide or know someone close who has been through it) please do share, so we can add it to this post.  There is nothing more valuable than hearing from someone who has actually been through it – so please do not hesitate to share (anonymously if you want).

35 thoughts on “Suicide: How You Can Help

  1. Priya and readers, I want to share about my friend.
    We must have met 2 years ago, when i switched my job and landed up in the same company. Within few months we became very close friends. And we still are. But now I have moved out of India with my husband.

    At the time we met, i was already engaged. But wasn’t. And she isn’t. Although she had a guy with whom she had on and off relation. And of the things that i heard from her, i felt like he was really not her kind of guy. He was abusive sometimes. Although he might not have hurt her physically but he would always blame her for everything. He would not like her caring about her cousin. Once he even threaten her to do or say something to her father. And later he would blame her for making him do a these. This was something already happened before we became friends.

    After that he would randomly message her when he would feel like. And when she would message him, he would just disappear.

    I myself have been through such relation.  Although my ex was not abusive but he would come and go whenever he want. And make me feel miserable. And in the end he got engaged to someone else. I didn’t want her to go through all this. So i tried my best to get her over him. And thankfully she did.

    I am telling you this because i want to let you know what i role i played. And sometimes i feel guilty. But I think it was important for her to get over that guy. When i look back at my relation I can see the mistakes i did. And I helped her to avoid them.

    Now today, she wants to get married. Her parents aren’t making any effort in finding a groom. I am not saying they should always do but i had that support . She herself is doing the search. But somehow the eligible ones don’t seem to care and all the ones like not very well educated ones line up. All her other ex, who were good are getting married. And just yesterday she messaged me she is feeling very bad. And she is very desperate. I know this phase. And I have been through this. And although i know that we shouldn’t need someone else to make us feel better, i cannot deny changes in my life after i got married. That security i have now makes me a better person.

    Her parents too are bit desperate. They don’t want to marry her off. But they want her to settle and they don’t mind marrying her to an un educated person.
    Because i am not with her, i don’t what she does whole day. And she may not be suicidal. But nowadays when we here so many people committing suicide, i couldn’t stop that thought crossing my mind. And next day you posted this article.
    I don’t want to be late. And i want to make her happy.
    Can you please help me?
    Thanks for being there to whom i can write to.


    • Your friend is lucky to have someone like you who is concerned about her well-being, despite being so far away. Here are a few ways I believe you can help:
      1. Ask her the difficult questions – Ask her how she is. How’s she’s feeling. Encourage her to talk about her frustrations. This makes a huge difference to the person, because they have an outlet.

      2. Let her know that you care – Knowing that someone cared about me, stopped me from hurting myself many times. Occasional phone calls, msgs etc. work wonders. A simple ” I’m a little concerned about your emotional health, talk to me.” goes a long way.

      3. Encourage her to reach out to others – Since you’re far away, you may not be able to help at all times. If she needs therapy, encourage her to go to a counsellor, or to talk to her parents.

      I’d like to point out that “not getting married” by itself is usually never the problem. Our society glorifies marriage as the ultimate in life. It’s the consequences of “not getting married” that cause depression such as :
      1)Bitterness – “everyone else got married, i didn’t”
      2)Loneliness -” everyone else has someone, I don’t”
      3)low self-esteem- ” there must be something wrong with me, that’s why I’m not married.”
      4)Guilt – ” I’m a burden on my parents/ as an adult, I should’ve been married by now.”
      5)Unfulfilled aspirations/needs – “I thought I’d find love/ have a family and children by now”
      6)Fear – ” Because i’m not married, I’m less secure.”
      7) Lack of faith – “Will I ever find someone”
      8) Negativity – ” I will never find anyone, things always go wrong for ”

      Find out which of these issues bother your friend and encourage her to work through this.
      At the end of the day, it is unhealthy for anyone to pin all of their happiness on one event/relationship. The best of lovers can fall apart; the most secure of marriages can fail, sometimes due to circumstances beyond our control. The one life-long relationship that we are assured of is with OURSELVES.

      So tell her to love and cherish herself first. I’m sure she has other interests/passions. They are all as important as marriage. Tell her to take comfort in her friends and family – love is love, whether it comes from a husband in the form of romantic sexual love or from a dear friend in the form of steady platonic love.

      I hope she stays healthy and everything works out well.

      Liked by 3 people

      • Thanks Anita!
        I think you have very nicely explained the approach to this problem by noting all the points separately.
        Thank you very much for helping me and my friend 🙂


  2. Hi!
    First of, I have to say that you have been a really wonderful friend!

    I have been through a similar situation your friend is going through right now.

    You have to remember that as of now the only thing you can really do for her is, just listen to everything she has to say. Unless she asks for it, don’t give any advice but just listen to her non-judgementally. (By this I mean, if she did something crazy according to you, keep that opinion to yourself). Let her speak her mind & heart out, that way she knows there is someone she can trust no matter how far away you may be.
    My friends (who also live in different parts of the world) were there for me similar to how you are there for her right now. I knew I could call them up at anytime & speak how bad I am feeling about a rejection or about a guy I am speaking to and I would feel better because I got it out of my system.
    They didn’t say anything that made me happy, all they did was listen and then just talk about things going on in their life.

    They made sure to keep in contact regularly & just send some thoughts, emails & pictures just to show me that they are thinking about me! 🙂 This helped me so much!

    The advice I would give your friend is this:-
    (This is how I began to think & act when I started to get frustrated with the whole “speed dating” process)

    First, think about yourself. What are things you’d like to achieve in this life that you haven’t yet? Focus on that & different activities that you may be interested in.
    Once you start being happy & accept yourself, it will open your heart to different people & experiences. Once you start pursuing those activities, you’ll get to meet a lot of people & maybe the person you’d want to marry someday 🙂
    (I started writing – it was the best thing I’ve ever done. A friend of mine started photography – that’s how she met her husband)

    Second, make a list of all the qualities you’d like in your man. (I know it sounds like buying a laptop but trust me, this helps) -> List down the physical attributes & his qualities. Then keep the physical part aside (this isn’t the most important – again, from experience I can tell you that looks & height isn’t everything). From those qualities – list down 3 things you just cannot compromise on – at all. Only 3!
    (I had – Honesty, should not have characteristics of a ‘male chauvinist’ & can have meaningful conversations with me (not just Hi, Had lunch? & Hmmm))

    Getting married should be the last thing on your mind. I know you want a partner with whom you can share your whole life with but right now don’t just focus on that. Be active in this process, look and speak to a lot of guys, it’s okay if you reject someone & someone rejects you. I’d say if someone rejects, you, that’s a good thing! It means you’re one step closer to the right person.
    (I got rejected so many times! A friend of mine met 90 girls – many times he was rejected till he met his wife, my husband had a girl two-timing him even after they were quite close to getting married, two people I know were dumped by their fiances right after their engagement, this list is never ending :))
    My point is, that even I felt terrible after every rejection. I felt there was something wrong with me, maybe the way I am, my personality, the way I look or something. So I would cry for a day or maybe a little more & then get up, brush it off, write about it & then realize that maybe, it was just not meant to be! It will happen, but just not this time.

    Parents – they want to get you married but not all parents help. Tell them what kind of a person you are looking for & be firm about that. It doesn’t matter how desperate they are, you should get married to who you think is right for you. You will be spending the rest of your life with that person, not them.

    So at the end of the day, sometimes it takes longer to meet that person, but it’s okay. It doesn’t mean your life will start once you get married.
    It’s just that you were just by yourself before & later you’ll have someone by your side. While that latter is a wonderful feeling, it feels even better when you can rely on being by yourself too.

    Be the person you want to be & you’ll find the person you’re meant to spend the rest of your life with.

    Please do contact us if you wish to speak in private or just wish to share anything.

    Love & Hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

    • thank you for taking time to give such well thought out reply. will share with my friend. also appreciate you for raising awareness about suicide.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you for covering this topic Priya. Mental health awareness is more or less a joke in India, it’s only now that people are starting to talk about it.
    As a depressive person who’s been suicidal often, I find that most people don’t really understand the state of mind. That’s why we have so much judgement and people calling it ” stupid” and “cowardice” etc.
    1) People usually get suicidal after intense physical/emotional trauma or a prolonged period of stress that leads to depression. Otherwise, they could be suffering from a mood disorder or other psychiatric/neurological problem.
    2) In all cases, there’s a significant alteration in brain chemistry. A happy brain has a different set of hormones as compared to a suicidal brain.
    3) At the end of the day, we’re slaves to chemistry. All those who proudly claim that they’ve never been suicidal – well, you’re lucky to have been born with balanced hormones. It’s as stupid as men being “proud” of the fact that they don’t get period pain.
    4)Altered hormones in the brain can cause huge differences in perception/thinking. You feel dull. You can’t concentrate. You feel mentally tired.
    5) This eventually progresses to a complete disinterest in life, because nothing is interesting. You are unable to summon happiness. Because of this, you dwell on bad memories.
    6) Continuing in this state is miserable, when everyday is spent absorbed in bad thoughts. You can’t summon hope or happiness. You don’t really see the point of living. Which is when suicidal thoughts take over.

    So when suicidal people get branded “irrational” I want to scream “DUH!”. Our “rationality” is not some inbred trait in our souls, it’s a function of our brain chemistry. Do we judge people for getting cancer? Do we judge people for going blind? Then why judge someone who is suicidal?

    Liked by 2 people

    • Excellent comment and I was hoping to hear from someone who’s actually been through this, to whom depression and feeling suicidal are realities that cannot be brushed away with easy answers.

      Thank you for sharing Anita. This will be helpful to so many others who might be going through this painful process. I’m sure many times they are dismissed as “making mountains out of molehills” or accused of not facing up to problems.

      Brain chemistry, as you rightly pointed out, is not a choice, and is something to be grappled with. Based on your comments
      I’m inferring that you overcame the challenges and it would be great if you could share the process/journey including the supports/measures that helped along the way. (In a separate post if you want – if it’s too long for a comment – please email

      If you don’t feel like sharing, that is fine too – what you have written here is already extremely helpful especially as it is first hand – so thank you for that.


      • Thank you Priya :). I’ve been trying to figure out the shortest way to write this without missing out on essentials. For anyone reading, this is just an account to help people understand, not medical advice. Depression/suicidal urges manifest in different ways among people, so symptoms can vary. The important thing is to take it seriously and get professional advice from a qualified therapist.

        My latest depressive episode was not triggered by any major event. It was the subtle, insidious kind that just crept up on me, slowly increasing until I didn’t know how to get out of it. In hindsight, I can maybe trace it back to a succession of unrelated, unpleasant happenings that left me emotionally drained.

        Hating waking up in the morning, like REALLY hating it.
        Feelings of emptiness and loneliness, even when with people
        Fatigue – Too tired to do simple things like even sit up and watch tv
        mental confusion- simple tasks take too long.

        Intense waves of self-loathing and hate. I would be so submerged in my feelings that I would lose track of reality
        Depleted cognitive abilities. Like, there were days I couldn’t string two sentences together.
        Cannot be alone, cannot be with people. Unable to connect with anyone.
        Loss in appetite, disturbed sleep
        Strange physical illnesses – throwing up (after eating benign things like curd rice), random pains in the chest and body.
        Loss of emotional control – Would end up crying hysterically in the strangest of places.
        Deciding that it was time to kill myself. Fantasising about death.
        Active suicidal urges and rages where I felt the compulsive need to hurt myself.
        Satisfaction after cutting, which made me want to do it again

        I decided to stick to counselling and therapy and avoid medication( so far), due to a bad experience in the past. But this may not be the best course of action for everyone, you really need to work with your therapist and see what’s the best option for you. I also know of people who have responded wonderfully to medicine, so don’t hold any pre-conceived notions.

        In addition to therapy, these are a few things I tried, which worked for me.
        1. I started treating suicidal thoughts as a signal that all was not right in the brain.
        By treating them as symptoms, I was able to bring down the urge to act on them little by little.

        2. I started making it a point to reach out to someone, anyone every time I had bad thoughts, so that they could talk me out of it.

        3. I made it a point to “check in” with myself four times a day. For whatever reason, this helped alleviate the pressure a bit. (even though I was basically talking to myself).

        4. I made my well-being my sole priority in my life. I started focusing on eating right and sleeping well, other things be damned.

        5. I accepted that the road to recovery would be filled with setbacks. Depression leaches the will power out of you, so you need to do everything you can to build it back up.

        6. I started spending more time outdoors, in parks. Greenery and natural spaces have a soothing effect on me. Pets are immensely helpful too.

        7. I started running (by complete accident. My head was so full one day and I didnt know what to do, so I ran). this was a huge turning point for me.

        8. I started writing down thoughts. A few weeks of this made me identify triggers and deal with them.

        9. I started making it a point to deal with emotions right away, rather than leaving them to fester.

        10. I started a gratitude journal to list down three good things that happened every day. At first, I really had no idea what to write. Then slowly, I got into the habit of “hunting” for positives. This has had a subtle but beneficial effect on me.

        Where I am now:
        Nothing in my external circumstances has changed. Infact I’m slightly worse off than before (I had to quit a well paying job to deal with this). No relationship, no happy ending. But I’m not suicidal anymore and all the aches and pains are gone. My mind does not race and I can get through 80% of days normally. It’s taken me 6 months to get here. I still have bad days every now and then. I also have panic attacks sometimes. But these don’t seem like insurmountable problems any more. The one thing that still bothers me is the cognitive impairment…I’m markedly “stupider” than before. I might consider medication for that.


        • In addition to Pragmatic dreamer’s excellent suggestions, here are a few things I feel well-wishers can do:
          1. Treat suicidal tendencies in your loved one similar to a medical emergency. Don’t leave them alone, get them to a therapist asap.
          2. If possible, please don’t let someone go through the ordeal of finding a counsellor all by themselves, even if they are adults. It’s a confusing process.
          3. If you are a family member and the person has been put on medication, try to monitor doses and side effects. Sometimes the person might be too confused to take care of themselves.
          4. Sometimes the sufferer may have taxing external circumstances – intense pain, health issues, severe financial problems or loss of a loved one. Their road to recovery can be long and frustrating, but stick with them.
          5. Read all you can about the person’s condition. This will help you understand their mood swings, without feeling resentful.


        • Thank you so much for putting down this comment here – once again, personal experience and sharing are very powerful, I feel.
          Very glad to hear you are past the worst and the remaining issues seem surmountable. Jobs, relationships – all those can be re-built or new connections made. You have the most important thing in the world – which is yourself – a good reminder to all of us to value ourselves above every other dreams and desires.
          It is strange how we get to know and connect with people in the blogging world. Without ever meeting, simply by reading their words and thoughts, you can feel a connection. I feel you are one of those people I could easily talk to for hours over a cup of coffee:)
          Do visit my blog and feel free to read older posts or comment on newer ones – would love to hear your thoughts on various things.
          My cousin went through something similar to your symptoms. Your comment put things more in perspective for me.
          Hugs and wishes for continued recovery,


  4. Strange how I stumbled across this now, hope I’m allowed to comment here ? I’m not a homemaker or a mom xD Just a kid in highschool .

    I tried to do “It” an year back .



    A lot of people have looked at me with pity and remarked that ” you have so much of your life ahead of you” , now that’s what I was afraid of tbh , the first decade and a half was miserable and there’s more I have to live through ? Nope, death seemed far more pleasant . I think people find it hard to understand when a kid who they supposedly knew tries something . Teenagers aren’t supposed to be “depressed “, you know ? We have had an easy life , dont know about “life’s struggles “. Basically , suicidal teens are weak and over dramatic…….NOT

    I was depressed for years before I tried to slit my wrists , it’s a strange kind of existence . You are “there” physically but not mentally . Sort of zoned out and numb , sometimes it’s not a constant state of sadness but rather a cloud of nothingness … Ypu dont feel ANYTHING . Happy ? Sad? Excited ? Scared ?… nope nothing .

    Im pretty sure of the reason behind my depression , years and years of sexual and physical abuse doesn’t leave you in a nice space , mentally , heh. All the guilt and the self blame is still there but therapy has reduced the burden .

    Though sometimes you don’t need a reason , we are all slaves to our brain chemistry . The comment above me has summarised stuff far better than me ^^^^

    If someone is suicidal , get them to go to therapy . It helps SO SO SOOOO much . Seriously, I was a stubborn kid , thought therapy was overrated . Four sessions and I was eating my words up .

    It’s the little things that help you cope when sh*t ( can I swear here ? xD ) hits the fan . My dog , star wars, a game of cricket with my brother or just a simple hug from mum makes me feel better when I’m down in the dumps .

    Don’t over react when a kid tells you they feel depressed , don’t just brush it aside . Have a conversation with your kid you know ? Maybe there’s something really bothering them and they are too afraid to tell you stuff . ( In my case I was threatened to silence by my asshole abuser)

    My parents didn’t handle the situation …. maturely ? When a kid discloses their abuse to you don’t blame the kid man , it’s gonna keep them awake at night . They are much more ……supportive now after the therapist had a talk with them .

    So yeah, I still have “off days ” , days where I just can’t get out of bed but they are getting rarer and rarer . Therapy and antidepressants make a ton of difference .

    Watch out for the signs in you teen eh ? In my case again , my grades dropped ; dramatically . I stopped playing basketball and tennis . Became quieter in class , stopped talking to my friends or my brother. Stopped eating eventually and things just escalated from there . My parents thought that I was having an “angsty phase” . Big difference between teenage angst and clinical depression, if a previously boisterous and happy kid stops talking and eating for weeks , there really is something going on .


    • Yes of course you can comment here and I’m glad you did. Yes, depression among teens is a serious concern – I’m thankful you brought attention to it.
      To me the biggest takeaways from your comment here are
      1) watch out for child/teen abuse and it’s never the child/teen’s fault, the adult is always the accountable one
      2) learn to differentiate between teenage angst and a serious emotional/mental health condition
      3) listen when your kids have something to say, don’t be dismissive, reassuring, patronizing, etc.
      4) depression can be a feeling of nothingness, which can be worse than pain, or maybe intense pain leads to nothingness, the brain’s way of blocking pain when it can’t handle any more of it
      5) therapy may help some, but love helps the most – hugs from ones, connectedness, simple things one enjoys
      Thank you for teaching us something important.
      I hope the “off days” get fewer and fewer and both therapy and your family’s love help you let go of all the guilt – because none of this is your fault.
      I don’t know if this helps at all – but I like to think of Christopher Robin’s words to Pooh when I feel really, really down – “Remember, you are smarter than you think, stronger than you seem, and braver than you believe.”
      Big hugs.


      • I love Winnie the Pooh !

        It took me months to stop bursting into tears at the thought or mention of whatever happened .

        Though , yeah therapy helped big time but mum also helped after she came around and finally understood . I remember there was a stage where I would wake up from my daily nightmares about all the awful stuff and just sit there feeling depressed . Then , mum had the bright idea of me waking her up everytime I did have a nightmare . She’d make me a hot glass of milk and we’d sit there watching old episodes of star trek until I calmed down and fell asleep. I dont think I would have recovered without my mum’s help or my dog or my brother xD

        My parents were quite worried about my grades because there was a serious dip after this whole episode but I did got better after they game me some time to recover and adjust to a normal healthy life .Every sad kid in the world needs a dog and some patience/care from their parents . Half the battle is won with support .


        • Glad she was there for you and yes dogs are amazing! Anything that is really difficult/painful takes time to recover, so don’t give up, keep doing the things that make you feel good and affirmed. It is a process, you will get there slowly but surely.


        • Dogs are the best. Hands down. There are studies showing that people who owned pets tend to be much happier as their pets served as a stress reliever and a source of healing.


      • I do still feel like it was all my fault ,I don’t know why. It’s hard to come to terms with when you’ve been told otherwise since you were like 3? 4? .

        It’s been a very confusing year for me , full of epiphanies ,sort of like when you find out that santa isn’t real as a kid xD ; the person who you thought had loved you ( granted in a horrible and totally not appropriate manner ) didn’t really care for you that much . Heck , I was just a notch on his bedpost , just a kid who was an easy target ,nothing “special”.
        My parents are just human beings , not superheroes who dont cry or feel hurt and they do mess up sometimes
        The world isn’t a very nice place and is full of unsupportive dickheads who think a 5 year old is capable of “seducing ” a man in his 40s :))))))))))))

        All were changing revelations for 16 year old me ¯\_(ツ)_/¯


        • I have a theory about this – it is hard to change impressions formed in childhood because every time you re-visit them, you are back to being a child. A child in that exact moment, in a certain place with a certain person, feeling a certain thig, having a certain child-like view.

          Your adult rational mind understands this on some level but memories are so powerful – we associate even the smells and textures with particular memories – it is hard to separate the different parts of a memory and analyze them and decide okay this was the irrational part – the self-blaming that you were made to believe.

          Therapy with a good counselor is the only way to break out of this because what the counselor needs to do is help you re-visit, (and yes it is painful to re-live) and understand the pain, and as you do so, as you describe the experience and understand it better, you also begin to become an observer. You become an observer of your child self. By doing this, you are able to separate. Able to put a distance. Able to say, that was HER, the 5 year old. She did not know it was not her fault. I (on the other hand) know it was not my fault.

          I’m no professional and this isn’t professional advice but I strongly feel therapy (with the right person) will really help you heal. All the best and hugs.


        • It’s easier to forgive the 5 year old part of me but what about the 15 year old or the almost 16 year old ? Hard to view that phase as a “child version” since I’m like 17 xD
          It’s so hard to break free or just scream a simple ‘NO’ when someone got their hands on you so early and for so so long .

          Im just hoping college would help , I could get away from this city or even country ; just leaving this godforsaken house for a some time might make a difference . I just want to be a normal person and do normal 17 year old things xD , like I dunno worry about boys and school instead of creepy old men sleeping with child/teen versions of me.

          Oh yeah , had a change of therapists because we didn’t gell well (partly due to me being stubborn and angsty xD) Just going to therapy and talking about my “feelings” was a strange experience but I hope it helps in the long run ;_;


        • very good Priya for starting this sharing time for hope and healing to occur and showing you care with such compassion… such precious people valuable and treasured on here having courage to share the hurt to become stronger in being a voice to help not only themselves, but also others… My heart is for those abused, neglected, orphaned, young or old to be healed of their wounds more and more and not think suicide is the way…


    • I’m really sorry you had to go through all of this. I hope your abuser has been dealt with and isn’t bothering you anymore.
      It’s great that you went to therapy. I’m 30 years old and I was still stubborn about going, because I thought it wouldn’t help. Now I realise that not going to therapy is the same as not going to a doc when you’re sick.
      Stay healthy, I hope everything works out well for you.
      Oh and I love the sketches on your blog! very creative yo..


      • Mum almost had to physically drag my butt to therapy and I was quite hostile in the beginning , feel bad for my therapist now xD but she seemed all calm and composed ; perhaps used to dealing with stubborn and slightly traumatised teenagers . It did help quite a bit though , mum knows best sometimes ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

        Thanks for liking my sketches :3


  5. Lavenderhats, in reply to your last comment:
    “It’s easier to forgive the 5 year old part of me but what about the 15 year old or the almost 16 year old ? Hard to view that phase as a “child version” since I’m like 17.”
    – 16 or 17 is still a child. I have 2 teenagers. I know. There is still so much innocence. It’s not your fault.
    Even if you were 25 or 42, it’s not your fault. People can be manipulated or abused at any age. It is always the abuser’s fault.

    “It’s so hard to break free or just scream a simple ‘NO’ when someone got their hands on you so early and for so so long.”
    – of course. Not saying it’s easy.

    “I’m just hoping college would help , I could get away from this city or even country.”
    – yes, distance from the house where it happened can help.


    • If you think 16-17 year olds are innocent , you haven’t met the ones I know / hang out with *evil laugh* xD
      I’m NOT a kid !

      Yeah , but I do get what you’re saying though 🙂
      You’ve been really kind and understanding here , so thank you for that btw .

      Liked by 1 person

  6. This is great.

    I did a thesis study where suicide was one of the components I assessed and I focused on Asians in America as my target population. The fact that mental health is considered ‘taboo’ not only in Indian society, but across many Asian societies leads to alarming suicide rates (especially in Korea). In addition, this kind of indicates that the concept of “log kya kahenge” kind of needs dissolve because it seems that many people who are facing a mental illness cannot approach their families or seek outside support due to fear of being judged, so obviously it builds up to the point where they can’t take it anymore and start harming themselves. It’s sad that society still judges on this aspect, therefore they can’t call a person “selfish” if they can’t even ask for help.

    I hope the mold will be broken soon.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. My view is going to be contrarian. I believe that once a person is above 18, has the right to choice. We talk about being non judgemental, but we are soooo judgemental about a person’s decision to move on from life. Here is a sample:
    ” Think of people around you” (How about the people around the person think of them)
    “You need help”
    “Let’s get you to a counsellor”
    “Its ok for you to want to die if you are terminally ill, but not otherwise.”

    Are you serious? A person has the right to self determination, and to choice. Its their life, and its time we truly respected that statement.


    • Only if this is a true choice. Not one made out of helplessness. Or because its the only way to escape the nightmare that daily living has become. But is it reasonable to assume that suicide isnt the last door that someone would open because all others seem closed.


  8. Hi all!

    I have a friend, she is younger than me. And I have known her for 12-14 years now. We are neighbors. Both of us were school going when we met. Initially we were best friends. Later some how I started hating her. I started to scold her and point her mistakes. And we stopped talking to each other that often. But we would talk, and we would discuss things now and then. But we were no more best friends like “Best friends”. 
    Even today, I know everything that happens in her house. We talk about it sometimes. But I am still not her best friend.

    The problem is she has changed a lot. She was a very bright student before. And now she strives to even pass an exam. She has become very lazy. She sleeps a lot. Eats junk food. Fights with her mother (I know every body does that) Watches lot of television. Is not serious about her career. Waiting for things to happen on their own perhaps. I am not sure.

    Some where, I am also responsible for this, among the other reasons. I am not saying this for sympathy. But I did break her heart.

    These all signs do look like depression to me now. Earlier I would think she is just being lazy. But now I think maybe she is really depressed. She used to consult a psychologist, and I didn’t believe she needs one before. But now I think maybe she does. 

    She is raised by a single mother but a very caring family(2 uncles, aunts and grand parents). Now she is 24 years old. But she isn’t independent. And I don’t know if she understands the seriousness. Everyone who cares is worried for her. 

    I recently saw 13 reasons why and I am bit concerned. Around a month ago she had put a status something like You will stop hurting me only when I die. At first, my reaction was – why is she being dramatic? But then I thought I shouldn’t be underestimating her. I called her, I talked to her. And since then I am trying to stay connected with her. But I don’t think I am helping her.

    I can’t nag her all the time. Now, she is not even my neighbor. I just keep on messaging her. And every one anyways keeps telling her this and that. But she doesn’t budge. 

    Maybe she is used to being like this. Or maybe not. She is really suffering and she is in pain. What can someone, who is not her best friend can do? What can her mom do? How can she be inspired to change her life?

    I want to tell her, stop expecting things from people. Do something. But at the same time I don’t want to push her away. I don’t want her to take any wrong step.

    Please help me.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I read a lot on here about therapy. I have never had a therapist although at one time i longed for access to one, or just even someone to talk to about how i was feeling. Growing up in delhi in the 80s, an only child with parents who had a difficult marriage. One partner distant, emotionally abusive and cold; the other desperately trying to win love and approval but never succeeding. It was hard being witness to that. Besides, being extremely emotionally sensitive and, bookwormish i always had my head stuck somewhere up in the clouds. People my age seemed rough, dense , uninteresting and completely unrelatable.
    Still, in the beginning life seemed full of promise. Then, somewhere along the way it seemed to grow grey at the edges crackling up like a blackened burnt piece of waste paper. The first suicidal thought came to me when i was about 15. It gave comfort, consolation that in a world where i was insignificant, there was this one last thing that i still had complete control over; that I could put an end to this nightmare when i wanted. This thought became like prayer beads, like a familiar refrain that my mind would obsessively cling to every day. I could feel myself splitting into two people. One constantly critical and angry and the other guilty and desperate to escape. I felt that i was somehow being weak and letting myself down but i didnt know how to make things better by myself.
    All the ways out seemed to be closed for me; Inspite of buckling down and working hard, i wasnt getting the grades i wanted, later not getting the university place that i wanted or even a job that i was truely happy with. But i told myself that i would somehow have to save myself. I would climb out of this deep, dark pit that i had fallen into.
    Fortunately, i lucked out in the romantic stakes and met a great, loving partner who chose me too . Thus giving much needed support at a critical point to my battered ego.Yet, i was mentally not equipped to deal with the constant ups and downs of life. I didnt lack intelligence but i did lack strength, which perhaps was not my fault. I was a boat constantly tossed about in a storm.
    After a great deal of introspection I also realized that whatever was broken in the world outside would have to be fixed in me. Im going to be 43 soon and not there yet. But what has helped fill this terrible black hole within me has been philosophy, first buddhist and now increasingly vedanta. Trying to correct my world view about who am i, my role in this world outside has helped to correct my perspective and dull the pain of living. It has helped me understand the world and other people better and step into trust/ detachment where that is not possible.
    So I highly recommend a spiritual journey for you if you too feel like a fish out of water. Sometimes pain is what life has to give to you. You must find your own personal way to hope.

    Liked by 1 person

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