An email: “Even after marriage, he shows absolutely zero interest in me. It’s been SEVEN years.”

Sharing an anonymous email. 

“I even asked my husband if he was maybe gay, in which case I just won’t tell anyone about it…”

 

Dear IHM,

I’m in a very unhappy state and so confused with what to do..

I have been married for 7 years (known my husband 2 years before that when we “dated”)… while we were dating, nothing sexual happened between us (not even a kiss, no heart racing stuff)… while I didn’t give it much thought then, now I feel I should have!

Even after marriage, he shows absolutely zero interest in me. It’s been SEVEN years and through these years, I have fought, cried, reasoned out, explained myself, allowed him to be the way he wants… basically everything that I could do.

I have told him openly I miss the “sex”, not as a physical activity but more as an emotional one.

I have told him I’m okay with doing anything and that he needs to feel comfortable and rest assured I won’t judge him incase he has weird tastes (I was thinking “fetish” or “role play”).

I even asked him if he was maybe gay, in which case I just won’t tell anyone about it, we would work on the  pregnancy thing through alternatives.

But he just doesn’t give me the input I need. There is zero cooperation from his side.

He keeps saying there is no problem (evidently there is!)… and he says “we will do this week”, “we will have sex next week” etc

And SEVEN years have passed already.

I’m am  at an extremely depressed stage. I do not know what to do.

I cry randomly, I feel sad… and I’m crying as I type this.
I’m scared that I’m getting into depression without me even realising it!

And I feel so worthless through it all. I feel like there is no one really for me (my parents are no more) and many a times I have thought about divorce.

Few things…

1. 98% he’s not gay (saw some porn details on his mobile history. Regular porn, no fetish types or gay types)
2. I’m extremely hygienic and smell good
3. Our environment is sex friendly
4. I’m a good looker and quite attractive (not to sound vain, but wanted to clear certain basic questions that might pop up)

Can you PLEASE do a topic on this, I feel like I need to see things from a fresher perspective..

Thanks a ton!

Related Posts:

Can a woman marry and change an uninterested (in marrying her) man into a responsible, loving husband?

And what would have happened if this man had declared that he was gay and hence would not marry a woman?

Denying sex to spouse on first night ground for marriage annulment: Delhi high court

A comment- ‘Reverse the gender, and it is marital rape.’Depriving wife of sex is cruelty, Mumbai court rules

Refusal to have sex during honeymoon is not cruelty: Bombay high courtQuestion about Sexuality in Indian Arranged Marriages

Romanticizing innocence, chastity and related taboos for women.

“There is so little conversation about a woman’s desire for sex that a lot of people simply assume it doesn’t exist.”

A tag: But when a woman sees a hot man, nothing happens in her brain?

Gird Your Loins – Aarti Sethi, Kafila

“Porn is a discourse about sex and works like an educator about sex and gender.”

An email: Also this is a genuine question and not a pornographic mail.

Girls morally bound not to have sex before marriage, says fast track court judge

‘I’m now thoroughly convinced that the entire concept of virginity is used to control female sexuality.

Here’s why I think the society should not obsess over a woman’s virginity.

25 thoughts on “An email: “Even after marriage, he shows absolutely zero interest in me. It’s been SEVEN years.”

  1. There is definitely more than meets the eye, and seven years is a very, very long time. You need to speak to your husband, there is no other way out. In my opinion, you have given too much leeway to him, but I suppose every marriage is different. You have tried being understanding, perhaps you must now try being blunt and ask him if it is always going to be this way and if yes, he should be ready to face whatever consequences the situation brings with it. I also feel you should ask him point blank if he is having an affair. Don’t let the discussion get emotional, try to speak as calmly as you can so that you can think clearly while you’re talking to him. If he is not willing to speak to you privately, you might need to get others involved – don’t feel you’re pressurizing him, this is for his good as much as yours. Is there a common friend whom you can confide in, and who is responsible enough to steer this talk?

    To yourself you must ask if you are happy with your marriage otherwise i.e. whether you find your husband caring in all other aspects and respectful towards you. Does he compliment you often? Sometimes?

    One other important thing – did he have a relationship before he got involved with you?

    Don’t wait this out too long. Have a conversation NOW. And then do what you feel right, you have your entire life in front of you.

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  2. Hi, I want to tell you a few things:
    1. Seven years is a long time.. As pointed out earlier, you have tried everything. The only thing left out may be is a visit to a psychologist. More time would change nothing.
    2.Try to see where you stand. You may love him. But you are indeed forsaking a normal life. Do you really want to do this further. If not, you can get out of this relationship.
    3.Why I decided to comment is because my best friend stayed in a marriage like this for years, and even had a baby through A.I. 15 years of marriage, and the story did not change. I love her and I am sad that she lost out on a good life. I would really like you to evaluate this possibility that things may never change.
    4.Divorce is not a bad thing. Consider it.

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  3. I know a few people in this situation so it’s more common than one would think. Generally, my feeling is just as we believe it’s not right to force women to have sex when they don’t want it, the same should go for men. However, it’s not fair to anyone male or female to have to be celibate either.

    In the case of one of the (Indian) couple’s I know, they decided that the woman could go outside the marriage to have sex. It was a little tricky to work out boundaries, but it seems to be working. After all, sex is not the only thing in a marriage.

    In another case, the man who was not into sex with his wife ended up having an affair, and during that time his desire for his wife increased. Heh. But this was not a scenario the wife could accept.

    One route is counselling, to figure out what turns him on, but I really think that desire cannot be forced and I wonder if people be trying so hard to make it appear? However, maybe it works for some people, none that I know (only in this aspect, otherwise counselling is great).

    If your husband doesn’t want sex with you, would he be okay if you had sex with other people?
    If he is not okay with it, is the rest of your marriage giving you enough for you to give up on this one aspect?

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Seven years is a long time…. And there definitely a problem here…. If he hasn’t communicated openly about it in the last seven years doubt he would do so now… But worth a last try…maybe a marriage counsellor or someone who is close to him a friend or something…

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  5. Seven years? Sorry if I sound rude, but WHY are you still with him? Granted, sex is not everything in a marriage, but it counts as something. In fact, it is quite important. The time window for sex is very small for a woman (15-20 years max) and you have lost seven of it. And for no good reason.

    Love and all that if fine, you can continue to love him without being his wife. If I were you, I’d have left him long back. Not because I am a sex freak or a cougar or anything, but because this is JUST NOT RIGHT. You could tie a rakhi on him and love him as a brother !

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  6. Seven years! This makes me upset as someone who is on the arranged marriage horizon as a prospect. Sex and lust are very important in my opinion but not necessarily having babies. IHM, please correct me if I am wrong, but wasn’t there a case where B’bay high court granted divorce to a woman on a similar basis because the husband wasn’t having sex with his wife?

    Liked by 1 person

      • “Denial of sex is cruelty”, what does that even mean? Doesn’t it contradict the idea of bodily autonomy? As a grounds for divorce, fine, though why we even need to have ‘grounds’ for divorce apart from simply wanting one is another matter.

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        • That is an excellent point you made. A reason that one does not want to stay in the marriage is reason enough for divorce. Having to justify like this can make divorce even more acrimonious and traumatic for all parties than it needs to be

          I think we are still using laws that originated from the victorian era without even modernizing them. Also, it comes from the fact that state deems it fit to interfere in marriages and if people should preferably stay married. Sometimes, we read news on the judges advising couples to stay in marriage than making a fair judgement. People are afraid, a lot of marriages will break down if they removed these hurdles for divorce.

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  7. All the responses you are getting here are great. I just want to give you a totally different perspective though based on my experience.
    I was sexually abused as a kid and in early adolescence too. The power of my own body was taken away from me.
    After marriage, I cannot tell you how difficult it was for me to get naked and be vulnerable for sex. It is equally difficult to talk about it. The healing takes a long time. Confiding in spouse n letting them in is a huge deal.
    Perhaps some counseling as a couple and also individual for your husband would help.
    Perhaps he is really trying hard.
    Please think about your situation logically to analyze whats happening so that you can take the right action and give it the correct direction. Good luck to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I am in the same boat as well, although it has only been two years since we got married (+3 years of dating). We have never had sex. Husband is great in every other way, very affectionate and demonstrative, seems to be attracted to me (we touch a lot, hug, make out sometimes), but anytime I propose anything sexual (P-in-V, oral), he either says he is tired or not in the mood. He is not fond of kissing either, except for a peck on the cheek. I don’t want anything except enthusiastic-consent-sex, so I am waiting for him to initiate. I have playfully asked him if he has ever liked men (I have liked women in the past, and told him so), but he claims he only likes women. He doesn’t watch pornography at all though.

    I am not sure if (a) this is even a problem – maybe he is just taking a while to get comfortable with the idea/responsibility of sex? (b) I should say something, given that I don’t want to force him or anything. We are usually very communicative about everything, but I am not sure what to say about this.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Woah – 7 years is a really long time. What i find more troubling than sex is the utter unwillingness to look at the problem and work it out. A relationship is about desires of both partners.

    – First, how is your overall relationship apart from the sex part? Do you work out and discuss other problems other than this? This is very important to determine your future course of action.

    – Maybe, he is asexual but I really do not know. Maybe, he is not attracted to you, I do not know.

    – If your relationship is great overall and he truly cares for you, you would need to discuss what you can do about this because clearly 1 partner is not happy. His attitude towards this can indicate how he feels emotionally about you. If he does not care for your happiness/satisfaction, that should tell you a lot. How do you both wish to work around this? Masturbation? Open relationship? An affair and he does not want to know any details at all? Counselling alone so he can open up?

    – If your marriage is not great, you don’t have kids and you cannot come up with a solution that works for both of you, you need to decide if you feel it is worth staying in this marriage.

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  10. I find it hard to offer advice, but can I give you a big virtual hug! This sounds like a tough situation. As pointed out before there may be issues at his end. In my experience, counseling is also a mental block for many people. But it seems like a logical option as a next step.

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  11. This is an interesting situation. If your partner does not want to give you sex, then the reasons might be one of the following:

    1) He is asexual. This is an actual sexual preference. If this is the case, then you can work out an arrangement with your husband where you can satisfy your desires through a third party and still remain married. Or you can leave.

    2) He is gay. It is possible he himself does not know this yet. You have the same options as for (1).

    3) He simply does not find you attractive or sexually arousing. It does not matter how pretty you are. If the spark is not there for him, then it’s not there. Best to separate.

    4) He was sexually abused. Someone above mentioned this, and this can often lead to a fear of any sex at all. This needs to be dealt with ASAP with the help of a good doctor.

    5) He is having an affair. In this case, just leave.

    For all the above, you need to communicate, get marriage counselling, and just plain make a decision. If the problem is that he is not even willing to communicate, then you need to look out for yourself.

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  12. Don’t be disheartened. There is a pretty good chance that it’s not you. He might be having issues he is hesitant to discuss with you. Erectile dysfunction perhaps?

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  13. Dear OP–I recommend counselling (both, marriage counselling and sex therapy). There is definitely something strange going on and without details, we’ll have no idea what is going on.

    You cannot change someone else’s behavior towards you. What you can do is figure out whether you’re okay with this sort of behavior. You did write that if he’s incapable of sex, you’re okay with artificial insemination–um, maybe he does not want children?

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  14. Maybe I’m old and out of touch or just plain out of touch, But no sex after marriage is a red flag. Especially its a blazing red flag in the Indian context where most people have sex ONLy after marriage where outside marriage anything is frowned upon.
    It is a v v v important ingredient for a marriage . atleast in the first decade or so I’d say. It is something that is v important for bonding and trust especially in an arranged marriage.

    So please consider counseling urgently. to make sure there is no issues with childhood trauma if it’s just plain lack of interest I’d say please leave. Don’t regret later. For the commentator who has a loving husband and its been 2 yrs… Please same advise .

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  15. First of all, you are way too strong for sharing this problem of yours. So more strength to you. I have a similar story of my friend. 4years passed without sex for no reason. She ended up meeting someone outside her marriage and had some physical activities, though not intercourse. She confessed this to her husband out of guilt and they went through hell for a couple of weeks. The husband knew that it is fault of both of them and they are now working on their marriage. Can I tell you that both have not had sex till now and both of them are way too happy with each other, more than before. Strange and weird, right! I would suggest to think very neutrally. Sex is very important and if you start craving for it, you will not be able to think anything else. So talk to your husband once and for all, it might be erectile dysfunction because of which he is not even trying for it or something else. So many things could be there, but one thing is for sure that you are not alone in this struggle. There are many fighting with this issue. Some win, some lose. The only suggestion would be to keep it going. A new relationship can be started or the broken one can be fixed if both parties are willing to work on it. Do not hurt others, but keep your interest also in focus. Take care dear and all the best.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. What is it that you are getting out of your marriage?

    Many people look for emotional fulfillment, even if the sex is sub par. In your case, he seems to be physically and emotionally unavailable. He’s just stringing you along!

    I am sorry, but your marriage seems to be DOA; and if that’s true, what’s keeping you in it? It can only be the fear of divorce.

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  17. “I don’t like the word feminist. I don’t think women trying to be men is feminism. I also don’t believe in being outspoken for the sake of it, or just to prove a point. Feminism is just an overused term and people make too much noise about it for no reason. Women have been given these bodies to produce children, and the spirit and tenderness to take care of people around us. It’s fine to be an outspoken and working woman. I don’t want to be a man. One day I look forward to making dinner for my husband and children. I don’t want to be a career feminist.” — Lisa Haydon

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  18. This is happening to a friend of mine right now. It’s so sad. She has wondered if he’s gay (no evidence of that) or if it’s because she has gained a little weight (although she is still above average pretty!). One thing I know is that he had problems with ED in the past. Even though that’s mostly behind them it seems to have scarred their early sexual experiences. Now they have become more like friends, although they really love each other a lot.

    I wish I had some advice for you. I guess I would just say that this is more common than you think!

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  19. Pingback: An email: “Even after marriage, he shows absolutely zero interest in me. It’s been SEVEN years.” – embsea

  20. As other people have advised, please visit a counsellor with your husband. One thing I’d like to add though is if possible go to a counsellor who has good references, you may want to try an individual session yourself first to see if he/she is empathetic to your situation. I’m adding this as I had a very bad experience with my counsellor. She interrupted every time I spoke, jumped to conclusions and was openly judgmental in front of my husband, which made matters worse for us and made my husband feel like he’d won some kind of battle. I hope things turn out for the best for you.

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  21. You are not missing anything. Trust me, it is no fun. It is thankless disgusting service, (which you will want to give to someone who is truly very nice, has been really caring & generous to you. NOT otherwise.) You can have children medically – unless of course your husband is against that also (if so, you may have to part ways legally). Just don’t feel too bad – believe me, you are not missing anything worthwhile.

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