“Whom did we call when we had our sons? You were managing our business with young sons in your lap.”
Sharing an email and a link by Aditi Madan.
…my sons needed our help while they took care of their young children and their jobs. But then my husband said the most important thing: “Whom did we call when we had our sons? You were managing our business with young sons in your lap. We did it. Our children will, too.”
When I told Sanket that we would not be coming, he was furious. He demanded to know why we could not help him after helping his brother. I explained gently that we would visit occasionally, but only for a few days. Staying at their homes, with nothing to do apart from taking care of the baby, came with its own problems: we did not have a car at our disposal, so we had to wait for our sons to come home and take us out. There was ample free time but nothing to do.
This decision is great. Do you think it would have been a different case though if the children were not sons but daughters? That help in babysitting might be assumed to be a help or favour for their daughter in law more than for their son (because it is the woman’s job isn’t it), may have made the decision more obvious and easy to make. If it was their daughter and son in law in place of son and daughter in law, things might have been different or at least making this very good decision might have been more difficult… more guilt to overcome. There’s a possibility that the father’s ‘discomfort’ about babysitting duties that triggered the decision might not have even come up in the first place. Because while for parents of sons in India, after a certain age parents are not expected to look after son but the other way round but for parents of daughters… it’s a lifetime of looking after (and serving) not only daughter but her husband and inlaws as well.
IHM: It seems the grandparents here do view parenting as the mother’s job (i.e. the daughter in law’s job here), the grandfather is quoted to have said: “Whom did we call when we had our sons? You were managing our business with young sons in your lap.”
Another thought – How would you view the same decision where the parents in law have pressurised the daughter in law ‘to have a baby because they want a grand kid’? Like in this case, An email: Is it selfish to not want to be parents yet? Or in this case, An email: “She is considering having an abortion without telling her husband about it.”