“I saw my sister was on the first floor and she was locked and she was crying badly with her daughter.”

Sharing an anonymous comment.

This victim of domestic violence wants to to stay married to the violent husband because she fears (amongst other things) that their child, a girl child being raised without her father would have ‘no values’.

This desire to stay married and make it work is extremely common – and is easy to understand. Starting afresh would involve going to the court for divorce, custody and maintenance/alimony/child support. It would involve struggling for financial support and income. (How much support can she expect from a society that views the crime as a family matter?)

It would involve coping everyday with blame from family and society, for not ‘reforming’ the abuser and saving her marriage.

It can’t be easy. One shouldn’t have to make such decisions. It’s unfair. But is living with a violent man easier?

Once the mind is made up, once the idea of divorce and single parenting begins to be accepted, once some financial stability is achieved, once the emotional abuse is recognised and confidence found again (very slowly) – maybe then the survivor would be able to see that there was no choice – on one side there was a life with hope and possibilities, on the other side – never ending and escalating violence, emotional abuse and resulting destruction of confidence and self worth.  

What makes women so willing to go back to where there is certainty of misery, violence, fear and pain? Why is the alternative found so much worse than all of the above? 

Below is the comment. What advice would you give to the email writer? 

My sister’s marriage is 12 year old and she has a daughter 11 years old. One day they (25 people) came to our house and started shouting outside our home insulting my parents and my sister and they said “Your daughter is lying on the road, bring her back.” And we reached there but she was not there, then we reached to her home it was locked from outside. I saw my sister was on the first floor and she was locked and she was crying badly with her daughter. We understood that she had been beaten very badly, but since this was a family matter I didn’t do anything like calling the  police. As I was afraid of their attitude to hurt my sister, so I brought my sister and her daughter to our home.

One day after that her daughter started crying that she wanted to see her father and my father took her to my sister’s in laws’ home. They refused to keep her and they threw her with her luggage like we throw garbage in the bin… speaking very rudely to the girl child.

They are so bad. Her husband has refused to pay her daughter’s school fees, now it is more than six month that we are taking care of both my sister and my niece but he never came to take them. Whenever we tried to contact him he says he is out of station, he refused to speak to us.

Please advice. My sister doesn’t want to break her marriage. She has a thinking that a daughter without a father has no value and her father has misused my sister for 12 years.

We are also planning to file a police complaint against him but before that I want to know the pros and cons of taking a legal steps and want to know my sister’s rights as a wife for 12 years. Please advice what we can do and what we should do to resolve this issue as he is not willing to listen to us…

Anyone please suggest what to do. This is real life matter and everyone’s attention is a must as what is my sister’s life at the age of 40 + with a daughter old 11 years and her husband is very rude abusive and beat her and doesn’t even pay her daughter’s school fees.

Thanks.

Related Posts:

“I remember the first time I got slapped was when I bought some pasta home for $2.00 when the similar thing could be bought for 40cents.”

Recognizing Emotional Abuse – Priya

Women and Friendship – Building a Support System – Priya

Changing Someone (or oneself) – Priya

Is your relationship healthy?

“I think most problems in life are when we look for approval and validation outside of ourselves.”

If you had to to say something to inspire a victim of domestic violence to walk out, what would you say?

“A message is required to be sent, loud and clear that wife bashing has no place in a civilised society and violent husbands deserve no mercy,”

Is a Known Devil really better?

“I always wanted my mom to get out of her marriage. I still believe she shud have.”

Sixty. And nowhere to go.

“Her husband has told her she can leave if she wishes, she does not have a steady income of her own.”

Open letter to all Phuddu married men – Amit

Closing that chapter – just as if nothing happened – Careless Chronicles

An email. Please do not immediately write it off and say “separation”, “legal action”… is there anything she can do BEFORE she can resort to that?

More than half of young Indians believe it’s okay for a husband to beat his wife.

Jharkhand woman gives kidney to husband as dowry, kills self after six months

Domestic Violence – Tears and Dreams “She was offering me advice on relationships. You can offer to help rescue a victim. She did not consider herself one. She is happy in her marriage.”

When Is It Okay For A Man To Beat His Wife?

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A daughter in law’s legal rights in her in law’s house are the same as her husband’s rights. Whatever is his, is hers.

And here is why women are so helpless in marriage issues and in their martial home.

‘I hear things like “Good luck for your bleak future” and “Drop charges, else no man will ever remarry you”…’

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9 thoughts on ““I saw my sister was on the first floor and she was locked and she was crying badly with her daughter.”

  1. My mom separated from my biological father after 20 years of physically abusive marriage. Me and my sister were teenagers. For us (my mom, sis, me) it was like rebirth. We have been happy ever since the divorce. Me and my sister did not grow up “without morals” (whatever that even means)!! That divorce literally saved us. Physically and emotionally. Kids are better off, belonging to single happy parents than unhappy parents staying together. All of us are leading healthy and happy lives, without any contact or any sort of financial support from my father. I strongly feel we are better off without that person in our lives.
    She can do some things (based on my experience with my mom’s divorce):
    1) Go to a psychiatrist. It is quite possible that after enduring such abuse, she is clinically depressed. And making sense and taking decisions is difficult in that state. Having a 3rd person, a professional guide her in such case is important.
    2) Get/Keep distance from the abuser. PLEASE stop all these attempts at contacting the abuser.
    3) Let the child know what her father has done. And reason with her on not being intent to keep in touch with him.
    4) The family MUST support her unconditionally without making it seem as if they are doing a great deal by giving her shelter in the house. Which incidentally is also her OWN house, which she has full right over (to come and stay as she feels).
    5) Once the emotional health has been somewhat restored, encourage your sister to get a job, be financially independent.
    6) Contact a good divorce lawyer who will look into legally separating the couple. I am sorry, but in physically abusive marriages, separation is the only way out.
    7) Make her understand that staying with the person who does not want to be with them is the most demeaning thing that can happen. Gradually build her self esteem, though gentle talk, reading materials (like this blog) and examples.

    Hope this helps.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is a hard and easy situation. Bombay High Court has ruled that the father must pay school fees, also maintenance for daughter and likely your sister will also happen easily. He may try to act reformed when he receives notice of separation/divorce but do not believe him. He will laugh at everyone if she goes back… Because he will know he manipulated and won…

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  3. Dear LW,

    Abuse is NOT acceptable under ANY circumstances. Which person in their right mind is ever going to advice an abused person to go back to the abuser? Being with an abuser is a life threatening situation whereas no matter how weak your sister feels at this moment or how weak she is likely to feel in future through a divorce procedure (social stigma, financial distress, emotional upheaval, and numerous other challenges), those are not life threatening as compared to spending an entire life with an abuser.

    I agree with Mypunchingbag completely. Give her all the support she needs. Usually abuse does not take on an extreme form overnight; because it creeps into our life slowly (first emotional abuse, then verbal abuse, later physical/sexual/financial abuse), we do not realize how abnormal this is. I think the first step should be to help your sister realize that abuse is not normal; she does not have to live with it but is required to take active steps to end it.

    My reasons why an individual in such a situation should end the relationship and move ahead:
    (1) Abuse is not normal; and may grow in intensity if the abused shows growing tolerance towards it
    (2) No one deserves to live a life of abuse
    (3) The child should be protected from witnessing anything so abusive and also from being a target of the abusive behaviour
    (4) Many individuals in this world have chosen to end abusive relationships and lived better lives; so can others in the same situation
    (5) Many people hang on to hope believing that the abuser will change; but people do not change unless they want to. Some people stay back hoping for this change that may happen/may not happen/may not last if it happens.

    Take care. Stay strong. It might help if your sister talks to someone who has been through a similar situation and has now made their life better. Lots of people with different kinds of resources read IHM’s blog; let us know if we can be of any help.

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  4. Physically abusive marriage is more painful than a daughter living without her father…. So let go of that notion and walk out there are far more better things in life than an abusive marriage.

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