“My parents are not allowed to visit me at my place. None of my relatives are welcome either.”

“Every time this issue comes up, my husband has just one ground – I can’t change my parents. I don’t agree to their behaviour… but they make my life hell. Please cooperate and manage, shanti rakho!”

Sharing a comment, by Rtag. 

I have my own story to share. I am not really sure what is it that I am looking for… reassurance or solutions!

I am a married woman. My father has been unemployed for as long as I remember. Because of this my brother, my mother and I suffered a lot.

Even though he had been unemployed for so long and never shouldered his responsibilities, by God’s grace and luck, I was able to complete my studies and find a decent job. My brother on the other hand went astray, but is now back with a decent job and I am supporting and encouraging him to complete his studies.

Because of my father, I started working really early, at the age of about 18 – tuitions, then receptionist, then Tele caller, and finally today I work for a consulting firm. I earn good income and considering my own background, sometimes I feel proud of myself that I have come so far.

Anyway, coming back to the point… I never wanted to marry. Reason being I knew that no one would marry a girl whose father doesn’t have a penny to spend and is dependent on her daughter. But as it so happened, I met a guy, fell in love with him and inspite of my background and condition that I will always support my parents and brother, he agreed to marry me. [A married woman does not have the freedom to spend on her parents and will have to request and hope for her husband’s permission to do so.]

“…inspite of my condition that I will always support my parents and brother, he agreed to marry me.”

I have been married for almost 6 years now and truly never had a fight with my husband because of issues between us. We have always been able to discuss and sort things out. But when it comes to his parents – everything goes haywire. Some of the issues I face with them:

1. My parents are not allowed to visit me at my place. None of my relatives are welcome either. As per my in laws it’s bad!

2. I cannot talk to any of my relatives or parents for long. It has to be short, crisp, and to the point. [IHM: This is not uncommon, Indian brides told to reduce mobile phone use.]

3. I cannot visit my parents or relatives when I want to, I need permission from my in laws. [IHM: This happens all the time, “She stayed with her parents for thirty years, now she is married so it’s an end to her relationship with her parents.”]

I have a two year old daughter. My parents have hardly ever spent any time with her because of these reasons! I feel I am cheating them out of something that’s their right.

While I was pregnant, I called my mother and dadi to stay with me for a few weeks. My in-laws didn’t want to stay or support me at that time for reasons of their own. My FIL called my father saying I don’t like you or anybody from your family residing with my son at their house. This is just one of instance. This has happened many times over the course of my marriage. When my father asked why don’t you like it, he had no answers.

Last year I called my parents to be with me for a month, so they can spend sometime with their granddaughter. My in laws threw a lot of tantrum on that as well, and today when I asked my husband if I can call my parents for a few weeks, he declined.

Every time this issue comes up, my husband has just one ground – I can’t change my parents. I don’t agree to their behaviour… but they make my life hell. Please cooperate and manage, “shanti rakho”!

He just does not want to stand up to them even if they are wrong… because he hates fighting (verbal or physical). But this had started to affect me badly now. I can see the hypocrisy and can’t digest it. Same things are right for him, wrong for me.

He makes plan to visit his parents as and when they call and he likes, but this is not applied for me. His parents can come and go as they please, mine cannot.

I have tried over and over to make my husband understand my plight, but it does not make any difference. I don’t want to end our relationship on these grounds, because we truly share a beautiful bond. But these are a few issues that just don’t resolve and I feel abused, deteriorated and lost.

Please advise. I really need third person’s insight on this situation.

Related Posts:

“I am trying to make a list of soooooooo many advantages a girl can have if she is born in a Western family as compared to being born in india.”

So what could make even the average, selfish, money-minded Indian family welcome baby girls?

These lines sum up the biggest reason for male child preference and skewed gender ratio in India.

Another email. When an Indian daughter-in-law has no brothers.

Marriages are sold to Indian women in a glossy cover…?

हमारी बेटी संस्कारवान है और मंत्री बनने के बावजूद पति के पांव की जूती ही है।

“I don’t see the point of forcing parents to give birth to unwanted girl children.”

Skewed sex ratio is not caused by sex selective abortions.

An email: My principal fear is my wife is not going to be able to love my parents as much as I do.

“I just don’t understand how girls like me (independent, modern) then agree to get married and live with someone and his family.”

“I will never live in a joint family, it has its roots in patriarchy and benefits only men.”

8 thoughts on ““My parents are not allowed to visit me at my place. None of my relatives are welcome either.”

  1. Looks like you live separately from your in laws. If that is the case, yes, shanti rakho, stop complaining to your husband and let your parents come and visit as and when you please. Stop telling, stop asking for permission ad do what you please. Don’t talk to your in laws and there will be shanti because you are not talking at all. You have as much as a right to the house as your husband.
    If you live with them move out.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My response might come across as extremely immature, but in my head, there is only one way to handle this. Ok, so for some odd reason your parents are not welcome into YOUR home, and your husband is ok with this ridiculousness. Fine. I think, just for the sake of fairness, neither should his be – as simple as that. And like I said, it is immature, but it is the only thing I can think of. Also, if you need to cut down on your visits to your parents because he or his family thinks so, so should he, exactly the same thing – even if that’s not what you believe in.
    Reason being, sometimes, it is necessary to showcase people their stupidity by being as stupid as them, and making them live with the compromises they expect you to live with. So no, if your parents don’t get to spend as much time with their grandchild, neither will his. And this is where you put your foot down.
    I know there is no point in resolving one conflict with another, but it is just fair. If he doesn’t get it even then, then maybe he is not worth it. If you are expected to respect the people who gave birth to him, he is expected to do the same. If this means you are a horrible person, so be it.
    The bond, however beautiful is a farce if he can’t treat people who mean the world to you with basic courtesy.

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  3. Oh dear. Stop asking for permissions and take control of situation. Let your parents come and stay and tell your in laws in so many words that they will stay and to mind their own business. Stop giving a damn to what they think and the ruckus they create. You are not depending on them for anything. Your husband agrees with you but didn’t want to fight. But you also don’t have to fight. Just do bothering about what your in-laws think and say. Tell them clearly what you want and you will live by your rules.

    Good luck to you.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. How can the bond be beautiful when one is restricted… when one has double standards.. when one cannot be free … people matter, having friends and family around is a source of joy. we are humans social beings . hes set his boundaries, only his parents allowed… now its upto you. if you are an equal partner this should not be the case. if you are not you dont have a choice.
    You can have a beautiful bond and disagreements but not curtailed freedom.
    your in-laws dont even matter, dont communicate to them about the going on in your house. they dont live with you, why do you care.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. You are not living in your IL’s home. This is as much YOUR HOME as it is your husbands. Which means it is as much your parents’ daughter’s home as it is your IL’s sons. This is something you and your parents need to make clear if the topic ever comes up. Tell them it is LEGALLY so and if they make too much of an issue of your treating your parents well, there is a special law to deal with such (cruelty and domestic violence (violence can be mental too – it is called emotional and mental TORTURE) issues.

    To start with tell your husband (NOT ASK) that your parents are coming. However beautiful your relationship, if he makes an issue of the matter, point out the above points and see if he too feels the relationship is still ‘very beautiful except for this issue’.

    Tell him if he wants his peace, you want your’s and either it is both sets of parents visiting and having time with the kid or neither. Let him take his pick.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Dear Indian Homemaker,
    MY HUSBAND’S AUNT IS TORTURING ME.

    I am a long time reader of this wonderful blog. Today I am commenting for the first time as i am at my wit’s end. My husband and I have been married for over 1 1/2 years. We live in a two bedroom apartment with his parents and his father’s sister. My husband and in laws are wonderful but his aunt is extremely emotionally and verbally abusive towards me. Right from the time i moved into my in laws’ house, she would take offense with my unintended mistakes. She finds fault with each and every thing i do. She had left her husband and come to live with her brother’s family over 25 years ago. Since then she has bought several houses in neighbouring areas. However she doesn’t have any intention of moving out and living in her own house. She is always screaming at both me or my MIL. My in laws have their own shop. They leave early in the morning and return after 11 pm just so that they can escape the aunt’s tantrums. When she loses her temper over perceived slights, she screams at the top of her voice such that the downstairs neighbours can hear. My husband does not have any property of his own. We live in a city where it is prohibitively expensive for us to even think about buying or renting a different place.
    Yesterday she lost her temper again because I was using the microwave (which she doesn’t like). She started screaming at the top of her voice. Luckily my husband came home at the same time. And he asked her why she was shouting. That made her lose control even more. She lunged at me and tried to grab my neck. My husband stepped in between us and tried to control her.
    I am scared for my life. I have to spend 3-4 hours daily alone in the house with her after I come home from work. I don’t know whom to ask for advice. My husband has applied for accommodation at his company but that will take a long time to come through.
    Husband says we have to be patient. Even if we get alternative accommodation, he says we will live separately and in laws will live with aunt.but i don’t want to leave in laws with that evil,abusive person.
    He says we cannot ask aunt to leave and live in her own house. That she will create a public nuisance.
    Please advise me.

    Like

  7. Pingback: Married daughters having sufficient means, are under an obligation to maintain their parents: Bombay High Court | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

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