“She stayed with her parents for thirty years, now she is married so it’s an end to her relationship with her parents.”

That this email writer needs to justify her wish to visit her parents, is the reason why Indian families continue to prefer, sex-select, abandon, pray, fast and bless for male children.

What do you think should the email writer do?

Hello IHM,

Back again, today I am very depressed and that is why writing to you.

I feel bad about my self because I can’t confront or give back to my in-laws whenever they say something bad or throw a taunt at me and hurt me with their words.

This happens most of the times and I just hurt myself because of this.

Today when we all family members were together, my husband just said while general talking that I should go and meet my family and should stay there for a day or two. Before I could speak my MIL started and said a lot of things which were intolerable to me and I wanted to give back to her but I couldn’t. (I am so angry with myself now).

She said, “Ye nahi jayegi, hum nahi jaane denge, Unke sath 30 saal reh liya hai. or ab shaadi ko do saal ho gaye hai, ab unse rishta khatam ab idhar rishta hai. Or rehne to jana hi nahi chahiye 3-4 dino ke liye. Jyada se jyada subah milne jao shaam ko aajao.”

(No, she will not go. We won’t allow her to go. She stayed with them for 30 years and she is married from past two years so it’s an end to the relationship with their parents. And she should not go to stay for 3-4 days, she should go in the morning and come back by evening.)

I can’t tell you how I felt that time I really wanted to give back to her that time. But as we say kadwa ghut pee ke reh gayi and she spoiled my whole day.

If i should end my relation with my parents as I stayed with them for 30 years then same should be applicable on my husband as well. He also stayed with his parents for 30 years and now he is married and so he should end his relation with his parents and we should move out.

I don’t talk much to my in-laws often, I just do normal duties at home and general talk related to household daily stuff. As whenever I talk to them and try to become friendly with them, they try to control me. They say such things or throw taunts then I don’t feel like talking to them or sitting with them.

My husband doesn’t like this at all and asks me to sit with them, talk to them be as friendly with them as I am with my parents. Today we were on a small one day trip and it was going good, but while coming back this incident happened which spoiled my mood to the core.

I feel like they always try to pull me away from my parents, my family. Why so?

They don’t like me going and staying for a day or two with my parents. By doing this they are not pulling me away from my parents, instead I am going away from them and I don’t feel like staying with them anymore. I wanna run away from them.

When they do or say such things I crave more for my parents.

How can anybody think that getting married means end of your relationship with your parents, who gave you birth, who did everything for you, and because of whom you are and you have whether it’s professional or personal achievements. Shame on this thought. They don’t have a daughter and they can’t understand the feeling, how it feels when you can’t see or meet your daughter whenever you want to or whenever she wants to.

They don’t understand the pain I feel as a daughter when I can’t see my parents for more than a week or two, I have seen my parents too have the same feelings when they cannot meet me for long.

I never raised my voice against them and never said anything to them ever. I just discussed my problem and frustration with my husband every time. But I think I should raise my voice now as I can’t take this any more.

I don’t know what should I do at this stage, as my MIL is a spoilt brat being the only female at home having two sons and had been pampered by her husband and sons. She is such a dominating person that she doesn’t listen to anyone, does whatever she wants, says whatever she wants to. Even if someone at home says she is doing this wrong she never listens to anyone and just does what she wants to.

She wants to control everything at home, her husband, her sons and tries the same, every time, on me. I am frustrated now.

I don’t know what should I do. She is creating a mess for me every other day.

A second email in response to my email – IHM

I have stayed at my parents place for 3-4 days in general but I have seen their faces and can easily see they don’t like it. But yes my husband never stopped me from going and staying.
She said this all of a sudden and I think she wanted to let me know that they don’t like it and now I should not go.

My husband is supportive but he also keeps mum in front of his mother. Though he confronts but only sometimes.  He knows she was wrong at this point. I was sad the whole day and he surprised me by taking me to my parents that too chupke se. My in laws don’t know about this.

Related Posts:

A married woman does not have the freedom to spend on her parents and will have to request and hope for her husband’s permission to do so.

“I am trying to make a list of soooooooo many advantages a girl can have if she is born in a Western family as compared to being born in india.”

Indian family values are good for Indian daughters?

So what could make even the average, selfish, money-minded Indian family welcome baby girls?

These lines sum up the biggest reason for male child preference and skewed gender ratio in India.

Another email. When an Indian daughter-in-law has no brothers.

Marriages are sold to Indian women in a glossy cover…?

Indian brides told to reduce mobile phone use.

हमारी बेटी संस्कारवान है और मंत्री बनने के बावजूद पति के पांव की जूती ही है।

“I don’t see the point of forcing parents to give birth to unwanted girl children.”

Skewed sex ratio is not caused by sex selective abortions.

An email: My principal fear is my wife is not going to be able to love my parents as much as I do.

“I just don’t understand how girls like me (independent, modern) then agree to get married and live with someone and his family.”

“I will never live in a joint family, it has its roots in patriarchy and benefits only men.”

16 thoughts on ““She stayed with her parents for thirty years, now she is married so it’s an end to her relationship with her parents.”

  1. Oh this shit. This makes me so angry that something like this is ‘normal’, expected of women and if you don’t conform to these ‘standards’ you are a ‘bad woman’. This is insidious stuff. Poisonous. Mental abuse to live with everyday taunts.

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  2. Even today it is sad to see that the boys parents think it is their right to exercise a sort of authority on the girl… What is the requirement. If were to handle the daughter in law with respect a nd love and understand that her parents are still part of her life, things would be so nice. Firstly the girl married to their son is not their property. She is not bound to listen to every instruction of theirs. Secondly the husbands too need to make his parents understand this.

    http://meotherwise.com/2015/09/24/should-i-really-advice-my-daughter-that-there-isnt-any-difference-in-being-a-boy-or-girl/

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  3. LW,
    1. MIl can say what she wants , its not a requirement to be nice or decent.

    2. You can’t let that affect your relationship with your parents, go, stay, come as you please and do what you want.

    3. Your husband can’t be good and quiet (doesn’t work that way). He’s either good and a decent adult man or he’s a child listening to mommy. Can’t have both.

    4. You can talk back and tell your MIL you don’t agree or you can be quiet and do as you please. Both have pretty much the same effect minus drama. You get what you want and she keeps going on talking.

    5. One doesn’t need a daughter to understand the parent child relationship, one doesn’t even need to be parents.

    6. There is no reason for two adults to sneak out chupke-se… thats ridiculous. And certainly not something to be happy about. State where you are going and go. Both of you.

    7. There is pretty much nothing your MIL can do. Once you realise this, you can stand up to them and be a normal family. Its is not healthy to be yelled at, or be submissive or sneaky or whatever. whatever you do do it openly. She can agree or not. Do you really care? Does it matter how she feels? Right now you don’t even like her so why bother.

    8. What are you going to achieve by being submissive and hurt? Good name? Nothing, basically make yourself happy no one else can and if possible tell your husband to grow a spine.

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  4. This is equivalent to feudal system/slavery. How can anybody and I mean anybody stop you from visiting your parents?? pray tell me! You have to put your foot down and assert yourself my friend. I have given my sister’s example a million times on this blog itself, I will share it again for you. My sister’s in-laws abused her, her husband physically abused her, so much so that she had 3 miscarriages. Three months into the marriage, her in-laws coolly told her she has no right to visit her parents, even if she gets pregnant, she will be taken care of by the in-laws etc. My sister was scared shit and complied with them, so much so that she did not visit my parents for months, she would always lie that she was going to work and apply leave and go to my parent’s home. We counseled her, asked her to leave them, even filed a police compliant against the in-laws and husband. For reasons known to her, she decided to continue her marital life with her husband. I did not judge her, but offered her support. The police officer has three daughters and he was very sympathetic to my sister’s plight and summoned her in-laws and her husband and very calmly told them that he was giving them one last chance, he looked at my BIL and said “Sir, you are educated and work a leading MNC, if you get arrested for domestic violence, imagine what will happen to you, your life is ruined, he then looked at the MIL and said “Madam, you are a retired teacher, how could you let your son abuse your DIL? You are also in your sixties, I am sure you don’t want to spend your remaining life at Parappan Agrahara (Jail in Bangalore)”. That shut them up permanently. Now, my sis has a great career, does whatever she wants, doesn’t give a shit. Just sharing this story as I feel we all have that courage in us to take a stand and put our foot down when we are victimized. It is time to exercise that my friend, it is time!

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  5. Get a job, if you don’t already have one. Become financially independent. Without this first step, the other advice is not really effective. You really do not have any stand against controlling jerks like your in-laws as long as you continue to depend on them or their son for your living.
    Let your husband know that if his parents continue to behave like this, you both will have to move out or end the marriage.
    Speak up whenever ANYONE says anything offensive to you. Duniya jhukti hai, jhukane wala chahiye. The more you keep quiet, the more aggressive they will become.
    Prepare yourself mentally for fights/confrontations/cold silences and also to moving out on your own if the situation demands it. Never forget that you are not doing anything wrong by fighting for your human rights.

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  6. You need to talk to your husband often and tell him that you need to meet your parents and spend few days with them…. this is your right and he should support you even if his mother doesnt want. Your husband should stand up to his mother and should support you whenever you wanna spend few days with your parents….
    You need to understand that its your husband’s responsibility first in that house to make you feel comfortable and welcome….If your mil is dominating, your husband is giving more power to her by behaving subdued and by not taking any stand for you.
    What you need to do is encourage your husband to start taking stand for you in front of mil and still if he doesn’t , then welcome to the world of life-long misery…..:(

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  7. Kya chupke se? Your husband is a grown man and it’s high time he start behaving like one. If he realizes that what his mother is doing wrong, he should ask her to lay off. If he doesn’t, I would highly recommend you move on.

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  8. Dear email writer, the biggest thing you need to work on is letting go of your in-laws’ approval. It is not easy as it seems like your mind tends to automatically worry about their approval/disapproval/anger/the unfairness of it all/etc.- really the only thing you need to focus on is letting go of their approval.

    Breaking it down into concrete actions might help you force your mind out of this conditioning –
    – call your parents and plan a visit at for a certain date
    – inform your husband a few days before
    – pack your bags the night before
    – leave on the day of the visit
    – as you are leaving, look at your m-i-l calmly, tell her you are visiting your parents and will be back in a couple of days (even it kills you to do this, do it – over time, you will do this with increasing confidence)
    – do not wait for her response
    – leave (don’t look back, don’t respond to any outburst, just leave)
    – have a great time

    Your in-laws will probably never change their mindset – certainly not through listening to reasoning either from you or your husband. You can’t reason with unfair people. So, don’t waste your time trying to convince them or waiting/hoping for them to change. Your (above) actions will send them a message loud and clear – that it doesn’t matter whether they approve or not – you will go and visit your parents when you want to.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Stop staying in the same house with your in laws. Move out! Stop looking to your in laws for approval and do whatever you please and visit your parents whenever you please. Stop talking to your in laws.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Pingback: “My parents are not allowed to visit me at my place. None of my relatives are welcome either.” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  11. Typing out this reply as calmly as I can, with my blood boiling and bile rising. Why on earth should this be a problem in today’s day and age?
    As a grown up, you don’t need permission from anyone to do anything. You have a voice, please use it. You have a sane mind, liberate it. Your in-laws are not your problem. Your problem is “what will you do to claim your happiness and in turn your life”.
    And please, the husband doesn’t get a clean chit because of his “chup ke se” act. It’s plain filmy and just not enough.

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    • Amlan patriarchy does not benefit all men and it allows some conditional benefits to some women. Men who wish to marry someone their parents disapprove of , or men who want a safe and fair world for their daughters, men who would rather follow they’re passions ( instead of earning as much as they can) etc have no support from patriarchy. Women who are mothers of male children are in a comparitively favorable position – they are still dependent but they are allowed to bear, raise and love their child without the restrictions that a mother of a girl child experiences.

      Liked by 1 person

  12. what a lady is she…so manipulative..today we had a discussion finally because of this and other issues that happened recently. She refused bluntly that i never said these words” rishta khatam and all”. Thank god my husband was there when that incident happened. Recently she commented on a comment of mine on my mom’s post on fb which has no relation to her or anything with her. She commented ” aajkal ke bache ko gm kahne me sharam aati hai ..ye jhukte nahi hia ..” this issue was over a year ago .https://indianhomemaker.wordpress.com/2015/07/15/not-touching-feet-after-a-year-of-marriage-is-disrespect-to-mil/

    Still she did this on social media in front of family and friends.Her son ( my brother-in-law who is here from abroad is also like his mom ..taunting and commenting all the time.) He recently said when his aunt is here and asked her to stay here only with her mom as she feels lonely. He said ” ye la ke to rakhi hai iske liye” pointing towards me. I got so angry and felt bad but in front of aunt couldn’t say anything. We women are not things jo ghar pe laayi jaati hai kisi ke liye. We are human.Treat us well.

    She shouted like hell today and brother-in-law also, when my husband asked to clear out things and i told them i didn’t like what you guys said. she talk to me very badly every now and then.. She treat me very badly as if i am a servant. That is way i keep distance from them, which they don’t like. When we discussed all this she manipulated almost all of the things. She wants me to come to her room every morning and wish her and i should be asking her haal-chaal. As if i am not a family member, i come here to wish and ask about them .do what they want me to do.. and they can treat me anyway, when i confronted today then her reply was ” keh diya to kya hogaya”. As if i am an insensitive person , anybody can come and say anything on my face.

    LW

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  13. My mom said something like this a few months ago because it is considered “tradition” that a girl leaves her parents and do not involve themselves much with their parents. Also the girl has “lost rights” to her home and only is confined to her husband’s/in laws home. It’s pure garbage talk if you tell me.

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