“I just don’t understand how girls like me (independent, modern) then agree to get married and live with someone and his family.”

What makes modern and self reliant Indian women agree to live in Patriarchal Joint Families?

Frequently even when women are aware that they may be required to change the way they dress, eat, sleep, pray (or don’t), socialise (and with who), work, earn, spend, express their feelings and opinions?

1. Maybe, sometimes, there is this hope that this would not be the case and that there would be some freedom ‘allowed’? 

2. Maybe because the idea of sacrificing their identity and freedom for ‘love’ is romanticised? Although the spouse is not permitted to view marriage the same way. 

3. But the main reason, I think, is the idea that Getting Married (by a certain age) and Staying Married (and bearing male children) is an Indian woman’s biggest goal in life. 

Sharing an email from Please help me understand.

Why are ‘Modern Indian’ women still  choosing patrilocality?

I am a regular reader of IHM and I have read a lot of articles on patriarchy and related topics. Patriarchy is neither beneficial to men or women in the long run. I think to follow patriarchy in this day and age is completely impractical and illogical.

I also understand a lot of women who come from extremely conservative families are taught to be dependent and brainwashed in such a way that they can’t even think about having a choice of not living with the groom’s parents after marriage.

I have a few cousins back in India (I was raised outside India), whose main goals in life were to finish their studies, help mum with the household chores till they turn 23, find a suitable groom in a year or two, get married and have a baby a year or two after marriage. These cousins of mine came from small towns and they were never encouraged by their parents nor given the choice of thinking for themselves. Some came from disturbed families and so did not have the energy to fight back or think about themselves over and above their families.

On the other hand I grew up in a completely different culture, which was very Indian but also very metropolitan. We all came from well to do families and were encouraged to pursue our careers and live our lives on our terms. I then moved further west and saw even more liberation among women. However I am saddened by the fact that highly educated and modern Indian girls still chose and are happy to marry and live with the groom’s family.

I am completely flabbergasted by this idea of being modern and traditional at the same time. It just doesn’t seem to fit into my head. There is just no logic to it. It’s like saying, we have incorporated the rights to vote for women but we will still continue the Purdah system just because a few people can’t see properly and they fall and get hurt but the rest are still fine and get good purdah’s to cover their heads and its tradition so let’s continue with it….

I just don’t understand how a girl like me (independent, modern, educated, self sufficient) who has all the choice in the world to not marry a guy who asks her to live with his parents because there are plenty of fish in the sea, then agree to get married and live with someone and his family.

Is it about getting an easier life and not working hard enough for him and her to build it from scratch?
Is it about blindly following traditions?

Is it about not understanding that two related couples living under the same roof is going to lead to clashes and unhappiness and a lot of unnecessary sacrifices to be made? If women are suffering so much, more so then men, why are women still agreeing to it?

Please help me understand…..

74 thoughts on ““I just don’t understand how girls like me (independent, modern) then agree to get married and live with someone and his family.”

  1. Patriarchy exists in every household, but how can you judged the women who towed the line??? The sad part is, whether a woman works or stays at home she is judged either way. She is judged for not standing up for herself and building her own resources, she is also judged for depending on her husband’s resources, she is also judged for choosing not to marry and remaining single.
    If you wish not to marry, good for you, But, if someone wants to live in a family neither feminism nor sexism works. Family survives on mutual consent. I think women should find a middle ground for themselves. Helping your husband’s parents does not necessarily amount to bending to patriarchy, but at the same time never allow anybody to dictate terms. Discuss, negotiate, explain, fight, scream, argue, whatever, but claim your freedom! If it takes a big melodrama to simply visit your parents whenever you want to, then so be it! I’m sure people will agree that parents (whether yours or your husband’s) will require help, assistance and and attention at old age. It lies in our hands what we make of our circumstances.
    And please!!! there’s no need to judge someone for their decisions. You cannot pressurize somebody to be strong, it is same as pressurizing goddess Durga to always be ferocious and strong. If somebody is a homemaker by choice stop belittling their lives. Housewives contribute a lot of unpaid substantial labour keep the family together. Are you discrediting all that your mother, grandmother did for you? Why not campaign for their respect? Why not use the feministic argument to tell men in the family to be respectful for their favours and allow them their freedom, not restrict their movements, help them in household chores and not be sexist anymore??
    The person in this mail called herself ‘modern’. What defines as modern? It is relative and varies from society to society. Because she was raised outside India it’s difficult to understand that passing on feministic mindsets to rural areas and tier 2 cities in India is not as easy as blogging about it from the comfort of your houses!! It takes a lot of ground work!! Come to India, dirty your hands, face abuse for it, and bring the change! Many activists are already in the game. Feminism wins when it helps in personal relationships like marriage,and helps the marriage last longer.
    Feminism is definitely a replacement to patriarchy, but see, when two people are hungry all you need to know is how to cook! As I said, inside a marriage, neither feminism nor sexism works, we need to find a middle ground. Finding that middle ground is what I call-modern!!

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    • “I think women should find a middle ground for themselves. Helping your husband’s parents does not necessarily amount to bending to patriarchy, but at the same time never allow anybody to dictate terms. Discuss, negotiate, explain, fight, scream, argue, whatever, but claim your freedom! If it takes a big melodrama to simply visit your parents whenever you want to, then so be it! I’m sure people will agree that parents (whether yours or your husband’s) will require help, assistance and and attention at old age.”
      1)how is this middle ground when you have to fight for your fundamental freedom everyday? How will a woman concentrate on doing productive stuff like building a career, pursuing hobbies, daily chores in an environment like this? Why do women have to fight to meet their parents while their husband is staying with his? Is this a marriage or bondage?
      2) why is it necessary to live in guy’s parents house to help them out? Can’t the couple live in their own house and help out both sets of parents in times of need? How are parents of only girl children cared for then, if caring for parents= staying with them? I don’t have a brother, but my in laws did not give a f**k abt that n applied the usual bidaai/ paraya dhan stuff to me.Even if there is a brother, this system is not fair.
      3) lastly, this middle ground as you described it simply gives an old wine in new bottle scenario to women where visibly ppl appear progressive and say all stuff that they think is ‘modern’ and politically correct but all the old patriarchal stuff is there,in the same intensity,but more subtle and comes out slowly.

      Liked by 7 people

      • Exactly. Totally agree with you. Also suggesting that women should find a middle ground again shifts the onus of a marriage entirely on women, which is basically the biggest problem. All compromises, home-shifting, cooking, and following traditions is unfortunately still expected of women. This is so unfair when now-a-days women are expected to do all that, plus earn very well.

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      • I am an only child only to my parents, still single and dreads marriage. Thank you for raising those points, I don’t have my own resources to build a career yet, I am still struggling to get a job, marriage is not something I can’t escape, I worry for my parents. My middle ground is flawed, but again this an outsider opinion. I’m not in a marriage yet. I still cannot think of myself courageously breaking a marriage where I have to fight for freedom, because again I am still unemployed. I should look for a source of income soon. Thanks for replying🙂

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    • I don’t think the writer is pressurizing or judging women who have to stay in a joint family, voluntarily or involuntarily. It’s an attempt to understand what makes modern women, who have the choice to disagree to stay in a joint family, don’t make use of that choice, I have been raised in India and still live here. I am a “modern” woman, which means that I have my own thoughts, have frequently put them forth, make all my decisions on my own, and expect a marriage to have inputs from both husband and wife, and not consider it only a woman’s responsibility to compromise, cook, clean, earn. And feel that when you are hungry, the option need not be to know to cook, but also order food if both parties are disinterested in cooking. Again, I am talking about women who have the means to do this, as also explained by the writer here.

      Also, there is no need to assume that the writer is discrediting our mothers and grandmothers. The post is about a different generation.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I totally agree to ALL that you say. I’m new to reading this blog. It took me time to understand that this post is written for ‘underdtanding’ and not ‘judging’. Thank you for taking out to the time to put some brains in me _/\_

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    • “As I said, inside a marriage, neither feminism nor sexism works, we need to find a middle ground. Finding that middle ground is what I call-modern!!”

      False. Feminism = equality, sexism = inequality. So it makes a huge difference whether a marriage is equal or unequal, whether each partner is respected by the other or not, whether they both contribute to the marriage in ways theywant and not dictated to by society.

      Also, two people are either fully equal or they are unequal. There is no middle ground in this.

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      • I agree with this, but i think the problem arises because of the different connotations of feminism.

        feminism= men and women are equal, yes that’s no-negotiable.
        But Feminism, as a movement? That is a personal choice.

        I consider myself a feminist, but i don’t identify with many parts of “feminism”. I the the author is confusing these two concepts.

        Liked by 1 person

        • I get your point, and I agree. No one can fully live a feminist life – only as much as feasible depending on our age, financial circumstances, geographical location, family background, religious affiliations, etc. The real problem is that the author is claiming we NEED to find a middle ground between sexism and feminism for a good marriage. No, we don’t. We need to strive to make the world as equal as possible and that means working towards feminism. Equal partners would automatically mean better marriages.

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        • @purple prose,

          There is no one universal feminism. No one group or person owns feminism. If feminism is the radical idea that women and men are equal then anyone who believes it and practices it is a feminist.
          https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2013/11/12/a-voice-of-her-own/
          Equal pay for same work is feminist issue so is the issue of affordable housing for all poor people especially single parents.
          The issues bothering a middle class working woman and a lower class working woman are similar be it equal wages. child care or partner violence but their implications are different and either woman may not identify with the other.
          https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2012/04/09/what-has-class-got-to-do-with-domestic-violence/

          If deforestration impacts environment, it impacts women more closely as they have to walk miles to fetch fuel and drinking water, so it is a feminist issue; eco-feminism deals with it just like it advocates preservation of native seeds and vegetation.
          https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2010/11/02/take-back-the-night-2010/

          What parts of feminism you do not identify with please share.

          Peace,
          Desi Girl

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  2. I can only see one reason for girls agreeing to get married and staying with the grooms family. By around age 25-27 girls and their families face immense pressure from society (friends and relatives) to get the girl married. I would say families have about 2 years for “settling down” their daughter. During this time they end up pursuing a few cases for matrimony. What choice is that? In those few cases, girls have to end up agreeing to marry one of them. Given these conditions, it is not easy to find liberated men/families that believe in the policy of “living and letting live” That is how girls end up with their husband’s families. I would say it is a compromise in the face of immense societal pressure.

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      • I don’t think there is any reason to give in to social pressure. The important point to remember is that it is your life and no one from this so-called ‘society’ is bothered whether you are happy or otherwise in your marriage. Especially if you are unhappy, there will be no one to help or bail you out of an unhappy marriage.

        I am talking from experience. I waited really long to find the right person. It took 10 years, believe me you. Many found me unsuitable and vice versa. It was in my mid-30s that I finally found the person I was looking for. Yes, it was a risk – I might find the right person, I might not. I might end up staying single. But that was a risk I felt I was better off taking than marrying in a rush and marrying the wrong person.

        This was in the 90s. Despite working, women were not financially self-sufficient. Today’s women earn as well as men. So I don’t see any reason why they should ‘compromise’ on basics, and when it comes to compromising, it needs to be a two way street.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Brilliant, I love your story!
          While I understand the weight of social pressure, I don’t see why so many women feel so compelled to give in to it. That’s like saying ” I did it because they told me to”.
          Live your life, be who you are.

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    • Bhagi,

      Another thing many men the moment they get married feel their parents are too old to care for themselves hence it is their job to make sure they are safe in front of their eyes. I have seen numerous men who have worked all their bachelor lives in other states far away from home, within months of getting married have moved back with their parents event at the cost of financial cut backs. Some even say by staying with parents they are saving on rent and in future child care will be easy. It is their home where they grew up so adjustment yoke falls on their wives.
      I am just curious how come man’s parents suddenly become too old and infirm after his marriage.
      So what began as couple living own their seems to be a bait to get the woman into marrying.
      Peace,
      DG

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  3. The simplest answer is it is (seemingly) easier to go with the flow ,then put up a long,tiresome fight. People try to avoid confrontation,fights even if it means pushing issues under the carpet.
    No matter how modern,urban the couple are, chances are the guy has still been brought up with the patriarchal mindset ingrained that he has to stay with his parents always and take care(read get someone to take care of) of his parents. So my boyfriend was a easygoing ,liberal guy with all all characteristics which can be described as progressive – no interference in my personal matters, complete believer in giving and taking space. But, even he wanted to change his job, so that he can move to his parent’s city to stay with them. This is conditioned in them as surely as good manners and basic values.So at the time of marriage, there were huge fights as he was not willing to stay in a separate house. When I put my foot down and said that was my condition for the marriage to go forward, he agreed to run away to a different city with me, quoting his job as the reason.So, there was lot of deception and lying involved. Of course, this did not lead to a happier marital life. His parents figured the hold thing out(obviously) and proceeded to create as much trouble as possible even in the limited time I had contact with them.The reason they could create fights between us was that My husband needed their approval and validation, hence even moving to a different city did not help. He did realize eventually after many ugly fights and tried to counsel his parents and peace has prevailed to a certain extent. But, if I had not created a huge fuss before marriage, I would have been living with his parents and permanent damage in relationships would have followed. To give a context on us, both of us come from urban families(families living in metro cities by definition) , are well educated, earning pretty well and independent. Still, there was total chaos because of the expectation of patrilocality. Also, his parents were not ready to accept that we have set up our own home. They use to impose their views on me that their home is now my home, even though I was not even staying with them. What do you make of that?

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    • “The reason they could create fights between us was that My husband needed their approval and validation, hence even moving to a different city did not help.”

      You know, you just phrased perfectly one of the many reasons my marriage didn’t work out. =

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  4. Whilie raising child now a days many parents would like to make their daughter independent and encourage them to pursue their career as per their choice but forget to inculcate corresponding values in their sons to respect their wives’ choice. Living with husband’s parents is an unsaid rule where girls are never asked their choice as per tradition. Therefore a little choice is left with girls who opt for marriage. Invariably they have to choose between career and marriage, that too they can opt for the first choice only if they have enough courage to bear social pressure. The other reason is their mental conditioning. Also if the couple is not well settled and not in a position to own house or pay rent, they have no choice to live separately and therefore agree to live with groom’s parents as per patriarchal rules and have to follow these rules thereafter too!

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    • One unexplored reason, at least so far, is that childcare responsibilities inevitably fall on the woman. So very often for a woman who seeks to have a full time career – there is literally no choice – either give up career after marriage, or live with husband’s parents which is a setting that can be mutually beneficial for both couples. Basically the woman has to take one of the two choices given to her by the patriarchal system – give up career for full time childcare or live with husband’s parents.

      Care of children by both parents while living separately from in-law or the husband taking the responsibility for day-to-day childcare or living with the wife’s parents are sadly still exceptional cases.

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  5. I have often wondered the same thing. I do not understand why women are just expected to move in with their in-laws, or with the groom, if he lives away from his parents. Naive simplification, maybe, but I also see this as the woman having to move to a new place and look for a job and give up better opportunities. (I’m in a field which isn’t yet very widespread in India, and hence this is something I think a lot about). I do not understand why it is expected of women to do this, a man may also find better opportunities in this prospective partner’s city.

    A friend of mine says it’s a ‘matter of honour’ for him to have his wife move in with him and his parents. (I was a bit disappointed to hear it, as his wife had initially been insisting on a separate household. No matter how ‘cool’ one’s parents are, I still see a separate household as making more sense). Another friend told me that it was absolutely necessary for his future wife to move into his house and take care of his parents. I also have some friends who agree with the importance of having a separate household, some only in theory, and some put it into practice. But the general assumption is still that the woman would change their jobs/lives/cities andmove in with the man. (If both the partners are working in the same city away from home, I can see them moving in together, but otherwise I don’t understand why). Even the women I know tell me they would anyway be moving in with in-laws, or that I will also have to do that once I get married.

    I personally want to get a job that I’d be interested in, and then think about marriage – I can’t even fathom having to move to a place that I don’t like and look for a job that I wouldn’t really enjoy – I personally believe that would just add to my resentment and I’d project it all onto my partner.

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  6. I believe people agree to this because –
    1. Marriage pressure – this can be immense in India and in Indian society (not necessarily geographically in India)
    2. Social conditioning
    3. Nobody wants to stand out and people prefer going with the majority
    4. Many people want to marry a person of their community and maybe most guys’ families are like that and they feel like they have no choice
    5. Not everybody has the guts or energy for constant fights every time they want to do something outside the norm.
    6, No choice
    7. Guilt and fear of making their family lose face in society
    8. Genuinely and blindly hoping that things would be good ‘in their case’

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  7. If she is not being forced–if she is happy to do it–who are you to judge? I think it’s quite a regressive step myself but the couple may not have the money to get a house of their own. They may want to become more financially stable before moving out.

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  8. As you may already know, I’ve been married twice.

    The first time around, the guy lived with his parents, and when we married, it was understood I would just move in with them. It did not even occur to me that I had a choice. My mind was conditioned into not thinking beyond tradition. And this, despite the fact that I came from an unstable home, and I was a rebellious, ‘modern’ young woman with a stable income and a strong sense of gender equality (or so I thought). I had no qualms about living with the in-laws; I just wanted to be treated the way my husband was treated. What I discovered, instead, was that the rules were different; my husband could work late because he was a hard-working man; if I worked late I was labeled a slut. The marriage met a sorry end when I finally grew up and realized that our equality was a sham.

    The second time around, I decided to live-in with the guy and his mom for a year before we even discussed marriage. There was a lot of opposition from my family, but I stuck to my guns. We’ve been married for almost two years now, and I feel wiser this time because (a) I am older, (b) I know what I want, and (c) I’m not afraid to walk out if I feel shortchanged.

    So to answer your question, I think it is a mix of desperation, conditioning, and lack of experience that causes women to keep falling into this trap again and again..

    Liked by 2 people

    • Wow ! Have heard of live-in relationships, but not a live-in joint family!! Good for you – for putting your foot down and following your gut.Seems you are better off for it. Kudos!

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        • DG, I see why you’d think that, but knowing what I know about Mister’s father, I would disagree. He was the feminist in the family – he gradually turned his otherwise coy and submissive wife into someone who demanded equality and would never settle for less. He was also a huge influence on the man I eventually married, despite the fact that he passed away when Mister was only ten years old. So if he had been around, my life would’ve been just the same; maybe even better.

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        • Don’t be so sure about that. One parent, if the relationship is enmeshed enough, can be as difficult as two (ask me how I know that – sigh).

          Liked by 1 person

  9. Moving to the husband’s birth house came about for practical reasons – our society was mainly agricultural and since land is immovable , Sons helped their fathers manage the land and inherited the land. So staying with the parents , near the source of the income, was necessary and the bride was expected to go live with her new husband. If the inheritance laws were such that land passed down to daughters then the new husband would move to the bride’s maternal home – this is the case in some Kerela societies where the property passess to daughters only.

    But now most families living in cities are not farmers and there is no necessity for such co-location…but there has been some advantages because the earning capacity for a newly wed is usually low and they may not be able afford to rent in a city and colocation helps offset the cost of living.

    Only those with economic independence have the luxury sometimes to make a “choice” between patriarchy and feminism. The rest take the most practical economic solution and have no choice.

    Economy plays a huge part in the battle against Patriarchy and financial indepedance is key.

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  10. Its a combination of
    1. Parents and in turn their daughters giving in to pressure of marriage.
    2. Parents of boys conditioning them to be their retirement plan.

    I still think Boys and their parents changing is the slow way out. the easier way is for the girls to refuse to marry a boy who doesnt respect their needs and space. now if 10 girls reject such a boy automatically he will come down , there is equal pressure on boys to get married too.
    However i have no answers for girls parents, i have found there is not much reasoning that can be done with them at that highly emotional stage. My hope is the next generation having faced these issues and being educated on them will let go of this mindset where getting married and staying married is the begin all and end all of life.

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    • The problem is mostly it all comes out after marriage…when the only choice is to call off the marriage, which asks for great courage on her part to take this step!
      But yes woman need to do great research before she opts to get married in Indian society!

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  11. I became a feminist after I got married. So my wedding and related ceremonies were staunchly traditional(read patriarchal). I did get married to the love of my life and he’s an incredible man with solid values. He always stands up for me and strongly believes in the concept of us and our daughter being a family first. But, I lucked out. I learned how much little traditions upset me by how unequal they are. I also was shocked at how bad of a deal the parents of girls are handed. These things came to me with age and experience.

    I grew up in large metros but I was always sheltered. I had excellent education, almost all the privileges that my elder brother did and a lot of trust from my parents. I married young(23) and it is from that experience that I say that people should not marry until they’ve left their home, fended for themselves, paid their own bills and in general made their own big decisions. These experiences are truly life changing in that they show you your real self, your priorities, your likes and dislikes and what kind of a person you can be happy with. People don’t learn these things by always being sheltered. It is for this reason that I think that seemingly literate(different from educated) and “modern” women fall into these traps. Sheer lack of life experience.

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  12. A lot of the time, people who describe themselves as “modern” and “independent” are using completely different relative standards when they do so. For example, I consider myself “modern” and “independent”, because I am more modern and independent than almost anyone else I know. And that second partof the sentence is where you’re running into trouble.
    Someone who seems traditional to you might still be radical to her family and friends.
    Let me continue talking about my example. I am someone who insisted on choosing my own spouse. My parents even disowned me for more than a year when they found out I had a boyfriend, but that did not stop me even though I was in college at the time. I found a part time job and paid my own expenses for my last few sememsters in college. I then moved to the US on my own to be with my boyfriend and eventually my parents started talking to me again and arranged a big wedding for us. This all sounds pretty independent and modern and not at all traditional, right?
    But let me tell you the other side of the story.
    (1) This man who I married was my first and only boyfriend. (I was his first and only girlfriend too.) By western standards this is pretty shockingly traditional!
    (2) We were in a long distance relationship for 3 years before we ever met in person. If we had dated like normal people I would have been caught by my parents and disowned long before I would have been able to support myself like I ended up doing 6 years into the relationship when I did get caught. So it can be argued that I only got into this relationship because it was much safer than any other one. You could argue that I was too traditional to properly date boys, and you would be right!
    (3) The fact that I kept the relationship secret from my parents and pretended to be a “good girl” for 6 years is in itself proof of the limits of my independence and modernism, right?
    When you add in what has happened after marriage the picture gets even more complicated. One one hand I have one of THE most equal and modern marriages I know of. My parents did not pay a dowry. I have not only kept my own name but also passed my last name down to one of our two children. I don’t live with my inlaws. I don’t wear mangalsutras or bother to dress “modestly” in Indian clothes when inlaws visit us or we visit them. My husband considers himself equally responsible for childcare and housework and actually does half of the whole house/child work. And so on.
    But what’s the other side of the story? It’s this: my husband and I still divide our chores and housework along traditional gender lines, he does the yardwork and I do most of the inside of the house. The total work comes out about equal especially since he does a lot of gardening and we have a big yard, but our choices are still… traditional. And then there’s inlaw issues: my MIL comes to visit us for 3-4 months at a time every two years and drives me insane and I don’t get to set limits on her time in my house. It’s just not done in my culture. My MIL still thinks she can “suggest” to me what to wear on MY body and what/how often to feed MY kids and how I should maintain MY kitchen etc. and all I can do is tell her politely “No, I am not going to take your advice, thanks.” My culture does not permit me to tell her to SHUT THE **** UP. (You have no idea how badly I want to tell her to **** off in those exact words.) My mother would never dream of telling my husband what to wear! But I have to deal with this person criticizing my bra choices. So here too we are bound by tradition and someone could say we are not at all modern in our ability to set and enforce personal boundaries.
    We are all dealing with hugely variable sets of cultures and community expectations. I am the black sheep of my family for being “too” independent and modern. But by western standards I am quite traditional. It’s all relative.
    tl;dr the people you are sneering at, you have no idea what their lives and contexts are like. You have no idea what battles they are fighting and what battles they have won in order to live the way they do. Their lives may be relatively traditional by YOUR standards but impossibly modern by THEIR standards.

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    • Thanks for writing this. I read the post this morning and was very upset because I did find it coming from a place of judgment and had to go vent on my own blog, instead.

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    • Loved this…

      And btw, it’s the “black sheep” (disguised as angels IMO) who are bringing forth positive changes and influences to live a productive life even though they have to break the mold. I’ve got some “black sheep” (angels)in my family too, and without them (partly so), I would not have the wisdom that I would have today.

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    • Well said! I live with my husband and his mother – that’s a “traditional” set up. Only someone who knows us closely would know just how unconventional we are as a family.
      The truth is, one can’t measure everyone with the same yardstick.

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  13. I am a gal, married 11 years, started my married life living with my husband in the States. I grew up in India, but moved here in my late teens – same for him. His parents were in India at the time, and there were no plans to move them here. My husband never alluded to that plan, but 5 years into the marriage, he and his older sister decided that’s what would happen. But, because he is the son (only), they insisted they would live with him (us). I had met them, once after 4 years of our wedding, when I insisted we travel to see them – not before that. We got married in the States, with my family around – they didn’t travel for our wedding. So, effectively, now forced to live with my in laws, in my own home (which they call their son’s only) and they are the orthodox sort. I sensed that the first time I met them, but was somewhere thankful I won’t have to live with them. When, this became a reality, I fought long and hard, many sweats, tears, and was even subjected to verbal and once physical abuse. Basically, I was not given a choice in this matter. Once they were here, the slow and daily dosage of traditions, “aisa hi hota hai”, “mere beta ka ghar, mera ghar” etc started, and his mentality began to change – exactly what I was afraid of. My husband told me that he would never pick me over his parents (this, after 5 years of marriage), and every time I had a row, he would ask me to leave or threaten divorce. My parents were behind me, never ill-advising me to walk out, but telling me that I should leave if I was so unhappy. I consulted counselors, even a domestic abuse shelter at one time – they said they couldn’t do anything without “proof” and that my husband’s “bad behavior” doesn’t stand a chance in the court of law.

    I was never comfortable around his parents, given their sense of entitlement. I work full time, always have – so they get to stay in our home, alone with all the privacy. They call his their home, and I still cringe and hate every time she spurts out claiming everything is hers or her son’s – never acknowledging my rights in my own home. My husband asks me to ignore it.

    I know this is primarily an issue in my marriage, but my husband’s sense of duty and moral obligation is greater than his loyalty to his marriage – this despite the fact that he’s lived out of India for over 2 decades now. His sisters and his parents adore him, and ignore me. My in-laws and I don’t speak – at all. They share our roof. They don’t wish me on any occasions, don’t ask after health etc. My husband said they never will because of how I behaved when they came over – and that they didn’t deserve that from me. I fought against that, but after 6 years, I have accepted and settled with how things are. But, my conscious doesn’t let me live and I struggle with the trauma and how cruelly my husband treated me. He turned his back on my family as result of all of this, and brought up several issues that hurt him over the first 5 years – basically, a tit for tat. On top of this, there was a row between his parents and mine at our place, which completely titled the scales. My parents (or any other family member) hasn’t been “allowed” to visit our home. I talked about my rights etc etc until I was blue in the face, but nothing, nothing mattered to them or moved them.

    And yes, I am the older of the two daughters my parents have. I can’t sleep at night thinking what I will be able (allowed to do) for them. Again, I do work full time, but our salaries go in a joint account – so basically, his parents get to live off of us, while mine are still working in their mid-60’s.

    My husband has control issues and is very very reactive. I almost quit the marriage, but my own inherent weakness and lack of self-confidence has contributed to this terrible phase I’ve gone through in life. Is there an out? I don’t know. I try to keep working on myself, but have no zeal/motivation to make any obvious difference. So, basically, a passive observer to my own life, just going along (but resisting consciously) what fate threw at me.

    Despite all this, all I’m told is that “kids don’t do enough for their parents…they are selfish…” I have completely shut down and for a change, I’ve stopped caring. But, what has all this sacrifice gotten me – nothing. They don’t see it as a sacrifice on my part, rather something that’s the norm (girls have to do this and that…) Did I get the respect from either my husband or my IL’s because of what I gave up? Likely no. I have zero relationships with any member of my husband’s family and they ALL live within a mile of our home – yes, his sisters moved closer to us, and are in-law free. Even my own Mother in law never had to live in a joint family system – all those decades ago.

    I try to accept this as something that life had to give me so I could straighten out and grow a personality. The situation can be as complex as we make it, or as simple as possible. Is that really true? There’s a price to be paid for every choice, I wasn’t ready to make the alternate choice for myself out of fear and my own self-limiting beliefs. What will become of me? That’s a question I ponder every waking moment of my day.

    Like

    • My husband was the first guy I ever knew – partly it was inexperience, partly not knowing how to handle issues. I got aggressive and emotional during our fights, but his bullying always won. Why? Because I’m a people pleaser and I always gave in. Or, I cribbed and got mad and eventually grew a shell around my heart. So, in essence I know that there is no motivation for him or my ILs to change – they have everything they need. I long to be like those sweet talking, cunning women who can charm their way through life. Me – my mistaken sense of loyalty (or what I consider my rights – as in, “why should I leave – it’s my home”) have left me stuck in a situation I never thought I’d find myself in. And yes, we never got around to kids. I’m in my mid 30’s now.

      Like

      • “why should I leave – it’s my home”

        You can build another home wherever you want.

        You will not get back what you lost. But you can take charge of the future; create the happiness that you want if you are unable to find it around you. All is not lost; it is never too late.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Unfortunately you have only one choice, dumping the guy and his family. Im not sure everyone can do that, maybe you can maybe you cannot but you will never know the other side till you try.
        Divorce is not a bad word for some it’s a savior, we all hope that our marriage is true and filled with love, sometimes its not, that is not because we made a mistake it’s because no one ever knows everything about anyone else.including the partner.
        Likewise you can become incompatible after 5 or 10 or 15 yrs.. time never cured incompatibility , time never cures selfishness, time certainly never cured abuse.

        Easy to say difficult to do but form my point of view you have 1 choice – DIVORCE.

        Like

      • Heaven and hell are here not up in sky or below the earth.
        Choice is ours where we want to live. Cut your losses and move on. People do not change coz’ we want them to change. They change coz’ their current actions are no longer serving them or have more negative consequences. and in your case this family has no incentive negative consequence to change.
        Very proud of you that even after 11 years you have not made babies and pushed them into this inferno.
        https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/is-it-love-or-addiction/
        If you are abroad you’ll get half of your house don’t worry.
        https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/ask-before-marrying/
        Peace,
        Desi Girl

        Like

    • Sorry for what you are going through. Just know you are not the first one and you won’t be the last desi woman to face this but you are the only one for you.
      Sorry no RESCUE teams are out for you. You have to be your own RESCUE. Here are some resources educate yourself and then think what will become of me.
      https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/your-rights-in-a-relationship/
      https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/dealing-with-in-laws/
      https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/feeling-and-expressing-your-emotions/
      https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/lets-talk-communication-deadlock/
      https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/assertiveness-learn-to-say-no/
      https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/emotional-abuse/
      https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2009/11/28/desi-in-laws-wedging-a-psychological-warfare-against-bahus/
      https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2010/02/23/desi-son-obligated-to-take-care-of-mother/

      Start taking out money from your salary and put in a retirement account. Save some for your parents.
      If you are in US, most states are no fault states for divorce.
      It is emotional and financial abuse with a history of physical abuse. Keep records of what is being said, note it down in exact words. Like it is done in this post https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2013/11/12/a-voice-of-her-own/

      Build your self confidence. https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/self-confidence/
      https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/loneliness/

      Stay strong. Take a vacation.
      Feel supported here,
      Peace,
      DG

      Like

      • There’s a few things going on here – a) I am scared of raised voices/authority figures in general and a decade+ with my husband’s reactivitness has made me even more sensitive to it b) my MIL is a very very feisty woman – I’ve never been able to talk about any issues with her, and when I tried, early on, she shut me down right away, telling me to “obey” my husband…They do whatever my husband says and my husband will never go against them. So, they are on their best behavior around them, and who becomes the bad guy – me. Also, my sis went through her own divorce, few months after her marriage and my husband has always held this over my head – as in, we were never taught how to behave, maintain relationships etc etc. So, again, my own self-limiting beliefs have wreaked havoc on my life too. I’ve never been emotionally strong, and one of the core reasons I didn’t leave was because I didn’t trust myself to not fall apart. My husband and I take vacations, alone. In some ways, the IL’s are quite hands-off, but my main issue is that I don’t trust my husband with my emotional needs/well-being (he even retorts saying I’ve always had issues, and that I drag his happiness down). He’s controlling, arrogant and a bully, but his public face is quite charming and appealing to all. I’ve born the brunt of his bad side. My main issue is that I’m conflicted – I cannot get my ill-treatment and his cruelness out of my head (sitting at work etc – PTSD?), and feel a great deal of anger – a lot at myself too. Yet, when I’m home, I either feel normal (my space), or underlying stress & headaches. I’ve read about co-dependence, and some of these attributes fit me to a T. I don’t understand this contradiction – I am very annoyed and carry a low grade anger in me all the time, yet sometimes feel completely normal, and we can share a laugh etc. I used to feel so fake, but now I tell myself it’s survival.

        I never could make up my mind about leaving, which is where a lot of my angst comes from too. I cannot put aside money from my own salary in another account – not without him knowing/questioning it. Neither arrogance (as in, it’s my right), nor reasoning works with him. What are my options?

        Like

        • Some part of me has become comfortable with living with this angst. I want the change and hope everything to be normal and have talked my husband’s ear off. He used to get angry and reactive first, but is very dismissive now – as in leave me alone in peace. Then he’ll go and chat with his parents and/or sisters and in general have a good time, while I’m left seething, always on the outside. I don’t want to jump in and join conversations – that would be too normal. It’s almost like I’m trying to convey my hurt by being aloof, but guess what – they’ve created this impression about me, and don’t give a damn, because nothing changes for them – they continue to go over to their daughters homes, live (entitled) in ours – all because my husband is their defender, protector. Me on the other hand am “allowed” to visit my parents once a month – any more frequent than that, and I’m impacting his life!!

          I am out of the house for 12 hours, the only reason I’ve been able to keep my sanity, but even that feels like running to me. There is no relationship between our families, and if I allow myself to be completely honest, there probably never will be. I’m hiding and ducking from my own realities. I have finally started to think/accept that nothing will change, but still shudder at the finality of “divorce.”

          Like

        • You are unhappy, you don’t see the situation improving and yet you are indecisive about what to do.

          For now, you need the following:
          1. Clarity: To begin with you could make a list of the reasons why you should continue to stay versus why you might want to leave. The information you note down in these four columns (pros and cons of staying versus pros and cons of leaving) will help you chose which of these paths you are going to take.

          2. Planning: In either case, you are going to have to make a plan in order to be able to live the life you have chosen in (1). For instance if you want to continue to stay, you will need to bring in some changes that you believe will make your life better in the same house; and if you wish to leave, you will have to make a plan about the process.

          The reason you have chosen to continue in this manner is probably because despite it being an unhappy situation, it is a familiar situation. Human beings are reluctant to bring in any change in life even if that change is for the better. But it is also true that human beings can adjust to any change. An accident victim gets used to an amputated arm, an Indian gets used to an American lifestyle, a self proclaimed bachelor could get used to a happily married life. Similarly, you could get used to living in this extremely unhappy situation where you have no independence over your own life, no respect and no encouragement but the tag of being married (societal approval) OR you could get used to a new life where you have to embrace uncertainty, societal disapproval, but you will have your own life in your own hands to whatever extent is possible.

          The choice is yours. If you stay, you will need to figure out how to change the scenario that you are in currently. If you leave, you will have to have courage to take that decision and persistence to follow through with it. Good luck.

          Like

    • The all I can say is that you don’t know your powers…you just need to take first step, the whole legal system is with you…why waste a life in such a loveless relationship…go and live your life…explore and enjoy life…such people must be shown their place if we wish to see a change in society!

      Like

  14. Dear LW,

    There are too many reasons as to why ‘modern,’ ‘independent’ and ‘educated’ women adjust to patriarchal setups after marriage and most of these have been discussed here already.

    My experience: Although I haven’t adjusted to a patriarchal setup in marriage, I have adjusted to other situations where women are supposed to behave in a certain way for example, social situations with relatives, friends, and at my workplace. I believe I am ‘modern, independent and educated’ (relative terms, as pointed out earlier) as compared to most women I see around me including friends, cousins, relatives, colleagues. I am 35, never been married, never attempted to get married. People’s reactions to this aspect of my life has not bothered me enough to make me want to get married because they want me to. However, this is just one part of my life that is non traditional.

    I sometimes discover other thought processes in me that I am able to link to the patriarchal society I grew up in; the conditioning is at such an unconscious level that it has taken me a great deal of introspection and questioning to understand these things. I am still working on understanding the causes (incidents) that may have influenced me over the years so that I can improve upon these; and discussions like these have been very helpful. However, I still don’t express these in many social situations; neither do I explain my choices. The fact that I am largely able to live happily on my own terms and conditions is enough for me. I don’t engage with these upholders of such traditions as much as I can. This is the adjustment that I have made to be able to live in peace.

    Liked by 2 people

  15. Yes, I never understood patrilocality. (I’m not talking about isolated cases where the man’s parents are ill and need constant care, where the couple mutually agree on it and the woman still is treated as a complete equal.) I’m talking about patrilocality being viewed as default – any argument that tries to justify it begs the question – if living with parents is so awesome, why not live with the woman’s parents?

    I think when educated/independent/earning women still go for patrilocality – it’s because “being married” is prioritized over education/career/skills/making a living for a woman.

    This mindset begins in childhood. If a GIRL is raised to first think of who she wants to become (teacher/banker/engineer/etc.), if she is encouraged to think about it more seriously as a teen, if in her twenties, she is made to understand that she must develop skills to make a living and is given the opportunity to pursue those skills, her life as a WOMAN is going to go on a very different trajectory.
    Who she is, what she wants, what she’s interested in doing with her life, how she’s going to make a living – become the central defining points of her life. Once she has these basics going, she might naturally seek out companionship – but now she does this from a position of strength.

    If on the other hand, the focus right from girlhood has been on “making a home” and education is seen as a nice accessory to the primary “home” dream, then yes, she will find herself making uncomfortable choices and compromises. It’s hard to change one’s perspective, when all your life you’ve been shown how the world works through a certain lens. Some people are just independent by nature and don’t get as conditioned. Some people forsake their conditioning when they’ve been pushed too far or when they have supportive people in their life who point them in the right direction.

    Liked by 2 people

  16. Hi LW,

    I personally feel that these women who appear modern and educated choose to marry, live with in laws and follow the norm, and are happy with it, then let it be. I also have a few cousins in India who are educated and few who are modern (others are still very conservative) that took this approach and are happy with their lives (at least that’s what it seems on the outside as who knows what happens behind closed doors lol). If that’s the case, I honestly will not question further and let it be where I am happy for them. After all should not they be allowed to make the choices they feel comfortable with? If someone prefers that they follow the tradition and marry and have kids at a certain age, then respect them and allow it to be. There’s nothing wrong with it anyway. It’s only a problem when they enforce their ideals onto others where they try to force others to follow the expected “tradition”. As someone who is very modern, independent and grew up in a very diverse progressive society, this will definitely will not work for me, but I don’t mind moving in with in laws if the in laws are very much up to date, and progressive themselves (if still super conservative, then no thank you lol).

    Just reading this, I’m not sure how “modern/independent” and being “traditional” can be solely defined as one, as there are various definitions that is based on one’s perspective. For me, someone who is modern tends to follow the modern ideals and has a very broader thinking perspective. Traditional is more of being focused on following the culture strictly and behaving/mending the mindset according cultural expectations. However, it’s pretty common now to mix both traditional and modern ideals into one’s identity..basically picking and choosing aspects of various cultures that one tends to like and incorporate it into their life.

    Just like when when IHM have posted the blog “Identity” some time ago, there are certain parts of Indian culture and American culture that I absolutely love and will carry with me, and there are also many aspects that I hate and will not follow through with those. In addition, I will pick certain aspects from other cultures as well and incorporate them to what I already have, making it seem that I have a diverse identity I guess. /

    Great write up !

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Fair points raised. It’s important for a woman not to let society stifle her freedom and individuality. It’s sad how my in laws try to do that. I am a not a believe of a couple staying in an extended family but then, that’s a personal choice. True, such things are beyond my understanding how choice of food, clothes or norms are being dictated. Again, not judging but feel someone should put things in perspective or it might stifle your real self.

    Like

  18. This is a very interesting conversation. As I read through the replies, I realized it is not one but many reasons and each story is unique/different on why independent /educated progressive thinking women choose to live with their in-laws. I will share my own story here as well. Before that, I think of a few reasons why parents end up with the “son”.

    – In India, Retirement plan is non existent. Even if parents are financially independent, they look for emotional / social support through their Sons and their family
    – Elder generation do not engage enough in their own interests and hobbies, which gives them a sense of satisfaction and security in life and not to look at Son’s family for security
    – Their parents did it, so they assume it is ok to do it with their kids (making decisions for kids, living with them, dictating how they should live, etc), as someone pointed out earlier in this thread the sense of entitlement to the Son’s life and house.
    – We do not want to evaluate old beliefs and understand that it does not hold good anymore to current day society and hence the chaos. Every family stands comfortable somewhere between being exactly how the tradition required them to be and allowing some amount of freedom to kids but still holding their ground to super modern parents who prefer to live on their own and mind their own business.
    – In some cases (I know few people) Sons are afraid to go against their parents because they might not get the share of their Parents’ property if they don’t keep them happy.

    Coming to my story, I certainly am independent and non-traditional and non-conservative in my thinking though I come from a very traditional family. I refused an arranged marriage because I couldn’t go into a similar family as mine and live. I did not get married under pressure, took ample time to explore life and look for a companion who would be real companion rather than a traditional husband. I lived outside of my home independently over a decade(though due to work) and loved my freedom. I got married in my 30’s after a few relationships. The man I married is my true companion but as usual the twist! He lives with his parents! I had met his parents before marriage many times and they adored me and I think they are nice people as well. But living together was going to be a different ball game. I was very clear that I will live the way I want and no one would tell me what I would wear and what i would do. This is true till date. My in-laws are non intrusive and they don’t have a say in anything I do. But living together even in this case is not easy either. Privacy is a big premium I pay.

    Initially My husband would become very defensive about moving out rather moving them out of our house, since we live in a rented house. It took me some time to make him understand about the need for our personal space. Thankfully, He understood. Though he thinks being there for his parents is his primary responsibility, he couldn’t refute my logical argument. Now we are at the stage where we are moving out and moving them out as well into another house. But ofcourse, he could not say this straight to them, took 2 years. Even now, there is melodrama at home, his parents make him guilty. But he is holding his ground.

    I think I got into living with in-laws without giving much thought about it. We were looking to relocate abroad from the day one of our marriage, there were few opportunities which seemed to work out as well. So I did not think I would end up staying with in-laws for 4 long years!!

    Anyway, the point I wanted to make was the circumstances under which each one of us agree to live with parents might be different, but the result is same. I haven’t met a single daughter in law who is happy to live with in-laws. Given this truth, I wonder why we exist like this as a society. The lack of courage to accept fallacies of our own tradition has left many families tattered and people unhappy. I hope this is changing, even at the cost of some heartbreaks to parents. But, it is best for them also to understand the requirement for space for a new family and let them be. That way, they have atleast a good, cordial relationship with daughter in law.

    Like

  19. I dont quite understand all the people who view this post as some kind of “judgement”. It’s a very valid question and sheds a lot of light on realities in our so called “post-feminist” society.
    I think some of the reasons we still have educated women in unequal relationships are:

    1. Lack of feminist guys – it’s rather hard to find indian men who believe in gender equality. I’m not trying to put down men here – a lot of them understand gender issues only much later in life because they grow up being on the right side always. They have no need to rebel against traditional norms, because they usually have a lot of personal freedom and validation.
    A lot of women get tired of hunting and just settle for whatever, because they lose hope of ever finding a partner who will treat them as equal

    2. Peer pressure and the threat of being alone – Single women are often viewed as the most unfortunate species on the planet. There is huge pressure from society to stay coupled. While a lot of women may actually be comfortable being alone, society will go out of its way to tell you that your life is meaningless, unfulfilled and pathetic unless you have a mate. Just look at all the cat lady stereotypes! Sometimes women just get into relationships so that people will leave them alone.

    3. Poor understanding of equal relationships – Even the latest generation of modern women has grown up watching extremely distorted pictures of relationships. The word “sacrifice” is considered synonymous with love. Somehow, modern education conveniently leaves out the concept of “respect” in all interpersonal relationships. So a lot of women go on and give up their independance and put up with crap because in some twisted way in their heads, its alright.

    4.Violent/aggressive families – This is often ignored a lot. I have a few friends who were pressurized into marrying due to coercive physical threats. It doesn’t matter how far away you live or how independent you are, if you have a bunch of controlling psychopaths who believe that your life belongs to them. A lot of women cave to this as well

    Like

  20. I dont quite understand all the people who view this post as some kind of “judgement”. It’s a very valid question and sheds a lot of light on realities in our so called “post-feminist” society.
    I think some of the reasons we still have educated women in unequal relationships are:

    1. Lack of feminist guys – it’s rather hard to find indian men who believe in gender equality. I’m not trying to put down men here – a lot of them understand gender issues only much later in life because they grow up being on the right side always. They have no need to rebel against traditional norms, because they usually have a lot of personal freedom and validation.
    A lot of women get tired of hunting and just settle for whatever, because they lose hope of ever finding a partner who will treat them as equal

    2. Peer pressure and the threat of being alone – Single women are often viewed as the most unfortunate species on the planet. There is huge pressure from society to stay coupled. While a lot of women may actually be comfortable being alone, society will go out of its way to tell you that your life is meaningless, unfulfilled and pathetic unless you have a mate. Just look at all the cat lady stereotypes! Sometimes women just get into relationships so that people will leave them alone.

    3. Poor understanding of equal relationships – Even the latest generation of modern women has grown up watching extremely distorted pictures of relationships. The word “sacrifice” is considered synonymous with love. Somehow, modern education conveniently leaves out the concept of “respect” in all interpersonal relationships. So a lot of women go on and give up their independance and put up with crap because in some twisted way in their heads, its alright.

    4.Violent/aggressive families – This is often ignored a lot. I have a few friends who were pressurized into marrying due to coercive physical threats. It doesn’t matter how far away you live or how independent you are, if you have a bunch of controlling psychopaths who believe that your life belongs to them. A lot of women cave to this as well

    Like

  21. It doesn’t sound logical, because its not a decision made based on logic. The answer lies in sociology , its called Internalisation. I would advise you read up on it. If i have to (over)simplify it, its ‘monkey see monkey do’ which is primarily human nature. So you grew up in a circle where your parents, families around you and popular media you are exposed to are living in and accepting and even romanticising the idea of traditional combined family set up, you grow up thinking of it as a non-issue. Not just patriarchy, we internalise other things too like, the idea of success , ambition ,faith, god ,purpose of life, idea of happiness, concept of beauty ,pride are all borrowed ideas at some level.! These words modern , independent ,self sufficient are (assumptions)labels we make on broad definition, i reckon we shouldn’t be taking them so seriously. People are different, their mental make up and capabilities are different so they should be allowed to make any choice they want to. Change comes about slowly, sometimes too slowly. Its great that you understand, its a bad idea, instead of being angry or judgemental( which is a very understandable reaction by the way , i have been there myself, to see people u love and care about take stupid decisions is tough!!) may be try empathy, its a new approach for me too, i do tell them i think its a bad idea, it helps me keep my sanity but i also understand why said friend wants to make the disputed choice. Its a lot less stressful process .🙂

    Like

  22. I,as a female,am ashamed to engage in this debate,without taking any positive action.If you really hate the set-up,you should be doing something about it rather than blah-blahing about something which as individuals you have no control.Bring about laws first,discussion later.Abolish patrilocality by legislature before saying I am mad etc.Or let them suffer.Anyhow,whose problem is it,anyway?The girls?Can’t believe,considering how many of them are backboneless and willing to side with the enemy for cash,limited rights etc.Why settle for less when you can have it all.

    Like

    • I,as a female,am ashamed to engage in this debate,without taking any positive action.If you really hate the set-up,you should be doing something about it rather than blah-blahing about something which as individuals you have no control.Bring about laws first,discussion later.

      IHM: How do we ‘bring about laws first’, without discussion?

      Abolish patrilocality by legislature before saying I am mad etc.

      IHM: Without discussion? With most of the population believing that abolishing Patriarchy means bringing in Matriarchy?

      Or let them suffer.Anyhow,whose problem is it,anyway?The girls?

      IHM: It’s not a girls’ problem. Infact those who benefit from patriarchy and patrilocality are often mothers of sons (i.e. women) and those who are victimised are often sons and fathers(men) of women.

      Can’t believe,considering how many of them are backboneless and willing to side with the enemy for cash,limited rights etc.Why settle for less when you can have it all.

      IHM:There are no enemies, it’s not Men versus Women. In rigid patriarchal societies, questioning is discouraged, even punished; and obedience is rewarded with praise and acceptance, – making it difficult for those who are being oppressed to attempt any changes.

      Like

  23. Pingback: “She stayed with her parents for thirty years, now she is married so it’s an end to her relationship with her parents.” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  24. Pingback: “My parents are not allowed to visit me at my place. None of my relatives are welcome either.” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

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