Sharing an email.
I wonder at the parents’ lack of interest in finding out who their adult child wants to marry. If the parents claim to be so involved (as most Indians parents do) and are so sure they ‘know better’, then how is it that they don’t want to be sure that he is not abusive and controlling?
What if he is an amazing person and someone just right for their child? How is it that this isn’t their main concern?
Also, with so much focus on seeking their parents’ approval, should the couple need to talk to someone, have second thoughts or sense some other issues, what would they do?
Here’s the email.
I am writing this letter out of misery.
I have been in relationship with a guy who is out of caste. It’s been three years now and I was always serious about him. My parents have been looking for many matrimonial prospects for me but somehow I gathered all my courage and I have confessed about my relationship about the guy to my parents.
My family is a very orthodox family and none of the guys in my whole khandaan have ever dared to have a love marriage. Everything gets fixed by the parents and once the parents decide the guy and the girl meet and after a meeting or two, when people get comfortable, they finalize the date and everything gets fixed and the next thing you know, you are married.
I have always hated the idea of getting married to a person you don’t know, and when I met this guy, he seemed perfect. I have done my engineering and am working. He has done his B Com and doing his distance MBA and working and earning a few bucks higher than me. He comes from a middle class family and I come from an upper class family. He only has his mother and his brother never keeps in touch with the family and his dad expired when he was little. His mom did all the efforts in bringing up the boys. These guys do not own a home but this guy who has working hard is planning to buy a home about in the 2016 first quarter, and by this I mean a 25 yr old guy is buying a home! It’s a huge thing indeed!
Forgot to mention I am 4 months older to him and a total spoilt brat.. l lived in all the comforts till was living with my parents now that I have talked to my family about him, they don’t seem to like the guy.
1- He is a North Indian and we are South Indians.
2- He is a B Com and I am an engineer (the fact that this guy is studying long distance is not a fact that my people would want to consider)
3- He does not have a home right now.
4- His brother doesn’t live with him… implying that his background is not great.
5- He does not have a financially sound background.
They say that if I forget this guy I could get settled in a family where I would have all the comforts and everything.
So when I came back to my hometown my parents discussed this matter and somehow this lead to a huge fight and and my parents told me that if I marry this guy I would have to cut off all my ties and leave my home, and forget about going away from home to the big city I am working in, as they wouldn’t allow me to go there if I chose him. I have always been professionally committed, so I convinced them that I would do anything they say, so they let me work… so they made all this bhagwan ki samne kasam khao n shit n made me promise that I would do as they say… Now after all this drama I thought that instead of lying to them and going back to this city, I should stay here and tell them that I need to marry the one I love.
I tried convincing them but its of no use… and my dad’s health keeps on going from bad to worse.. and everybody is convincing me that I should do what my parents say otherwise that could make my dad kill himself…
But the point is all the time that we had the discussion all they were interested in was ‘what would people say’ … ” log kya kahenge, thukenge hamare upar,… kahin muh dikane k layak nahi choda tumne…. dhoka diya… ullu banaya” …
Moreover about the guy, he seems to even “likh ke dene ko tayyar hai” (willing to give it in writing) that he won’t hurt me, will keep me always happy… but my family just wouldn’t even meet the guy. They haven’t talked to him ever… all the blames and assumptions that they throwing at him is because of the fact that North Indians people are this and North Indian people are that and stuff.
I am so confused. Please help. I can’t lose my job and I can’t lose my parents and I can’t lose my man.