Why it isn’t enough to raise independent daughters.

 A Guest Post by AlwaysHappyKya.
There is this story making rounds in the internet and has a very positive message.
Although I agree with what the writer has to say, it got me thinking.
Why did the boy grow up to think so chauvinist in that household? A main character should have been mentioned in the story. The boy’s dad.
Although the boy watched his sister growing equal and independent, maybe he still saw the mom doing all housework while the dad really did nothing at home? Maybe the boy believed women are supposed to cook, dress conservatively based on his dads opinion and his moms image? Maybe, he watched his dad slap his mom sometimes and thought that was okay too?
I believe, as long as BOTH the parents show the kids how to live equally, work as a team in society, the kids ( irrespective of girl or boy) will pick it up and progress.
Just thought these thoughts are worth sharing out there.
AlwaysHappyKya
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19 thoughts on “Why it isn’t enough to raise independent daughters.

  1. Or maybe it was a well-intended but poorly written story by an writer who sacrificed a logical plot so she could make her point?😀

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  2. I don’t know, Is it possible to raise one child to be equal and the lesson not passed ot the other, ? i’m not sure, I do raise my daughter to be equal, int he sense she does housework equal to her brother. i don’t agree to not doing kitchen duties just because one is a girl. i never entered the kitchen till i was on my own and i realize what a drawback that is.
    both my kids need to know to cook and clean and do dishes and laundry. and both need to help out with housework.
    I think feminism is teaching that both are equal not empowering one alone. that’s all.
    I also don’t like the over-all theme much, prove her mom wrong?? why every generation raised kids differently in regards to their thoughts and surroundings, there is no right or wrong way. every family is different. I raise my kids equally not to piss off my mom, it’s to enrich their lives and to give more fair, balanced and productive members to this society.

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  3. The tittle of the story is foolish. It is like blaming the victim and not taking the responsibility for the monster she failed to keep in check. A year or so ago her 70+ dad said, “we failed you. We thought by raising independent and efficient daughters we have done a great job but we forgot these same daughters are going to marry the men whom we failed to humanize.” He came to this realization after he met number of cohorts with divorced daughters (all arranged marriages) until then he thought DG was at fault because she had a love marriage.

    People are casting doubt about the story but DG is not surprised coz’ she sees it playing all around her. She has dealt in her post Desi Parenting: Raising Confused Daughters long time ago.
    https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2010/01/20/desi-parenting-raising-confused-daughters/

    Parents can have a good working equation about playing their expected gender roles in the relationship and home with respect to chores and decisions but they are not the only socializing agents; relatives, media, peers and everything else has its influences. If a man is to see a peer with submissive wife or one who does all the heavy lifting at home he is bound to feel deprived of his God given right to be served. He is not going to challenge his peer but will love to sulk and make other man’s wife the “ideal woman” who knows how to be a “good wife and a woman.”

    The right to entitlement is embedded in the brains of desi male children as if they are Gods. How many times have we heard an Indian parent say, “go get your sister a glass of water she just came home after a long day.” A son will make a cup of tea for his parents and be a good son but the same son on his own cannot make a cup of tea for his sister. So basically, greater number of desi men lack concept and skill of dealing with women as peers.

    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I am tired of such preachy posts on FB about what to tell so sorry/daughters/husbands/wives. Tired of why to/why not to get married, why to/why not to travel, what kind of man/woman or love to have. Sheesh.
    I don’t want anyone to tell me anything anymore, except how to correctly file taxes and open a jar of pasta sauce. Those are the real things I need to learn.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Someone needs to tell me how to take care of my money. Should I start investing? SHould I invest in mutual funds? How much is it necessary to save every month? How do I properly use a credit card?
      This clickbait nonsense is boring, trite and not particularly well-written. Every “controversial” article will spawn another article explaining why the original one was wrong and another one refuting the rebuttal. There’s a reason I don’t click on any of this rubbish.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Question for AlwaysHappyKya..
    Could you elaborate on why you agree with the article whose link is provided in your post?
    I read the article and some of the comments below it. A mixed bag of clichéd stuff from feminist bashers, and a few good well thought out objective comments as well.
    As some of the good comments point out, the title straightaway seems like a click-bait. How does raising an independent woman equate to or become the reason for having a son who turns out to be a misogynist wife beater? And why would someone “regret” raising an independent daughter, when they had a good well thought out rationale for doing so? Any which way you slice it, it just sounds stupid. A more apt title would have been what IHM has for this post ‘Why it isn’t enough to raise independent daughters.’
    I do appreciate the point you have raised though -about how kids learn from example. If a boy does not see his dad and other males in the family respecting women, doing their share of household work, treating everyone around them as humans first – they will not learn this lesson from those role models in their life. While it is still possible for kids raised in such environments to resolve to lead their life differently as adults by making conscious choices in favor of gender equality/sensitivity, it may not always turn out that way.

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    • Never Give up – I agree with the point the writer of the article made at the concluding paragraph, especially this -“I remembered to instill a feminist streak in my daughter, but I forgot to delete the inherent chauvinistic mentality embedded in the psyche of my son,..”.

      As for the title, I am with you. Very misleading and probably used just for the click-bait, now that I think of it.🙂

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  6. Well I do not want to assume anything about the dad here and think that maybe he hit his wife and the son saw that, maybe she did all the housework etc… I am not thinking on those lines primarily because we live in a society where from the age of 3-4 years onwards kids spend 4-6 hours outside the house with some one else in the form of care takers, grandparents, friends etc..
    And as the kids grow the time spent outside is more than the time spent at home with parents. So blaming parents entirely for how a person turns out to be later in life in extremely wrong. Parents have control and can control only till a certain time, after that there is only little a parent can do other than not encouraging wrong behavior.
    My own family is an example I would like to quote here. My parents showed no difference between me and my brother. We both went to same elite schools, I was never told what to wear probably after my 5th class, marriage was not a concern till I expressed a desire to get married and its been 5 years that I have been married and no one has questioned me about kids yet. Also before I got married to my husband I was in a serious relationship for 3.5 years and my parents were aware of it, I broke up the relationship for reasons best known to me and my parents let me be.
    But my brother turned out exactly like the writer’s son. He is not married yet, but thoroughly believes that women are meant to serve men. According to my brother, women want to and have to look beautiful only for men, basically women must love for men. My brother is by far the most chauvinistic man I have ever met in my life after my ex -bf. My father and grandfather are surprised as to how my brother turned out the way he is now.
    So how fair is it to blame my parents for my adult brother’s behavior? My father never ever hit my mother, in fact I never saw them even fight in raised voices, my mother worked for 25 years before retiring and she was not in a government job. She was with NGO and traveled a lot while we were kids and my brother and I were raised by my dad when my mom was away. We did not have any grandparents staying with us for more than 10 days in a year. So my brother grew up looking at my father work at home and in office. But still he turned out to be a MCP. Why? Because there is a huge society outside the four walls of the house. My parents could not monitor 24*7 what he was doing or where he was going with friends. My parents could not sit and chat with all his friends and know if they were MCP’s or not and if their families were traditional or not. On the surface all my brother’s friends are from extremely educated, financially well off families with both parents working. So we never thought he will become a MCP. But then I had to literally counsel my parents that its not their fault that my brother is what he is. There is society, movies and friends who contribute to personality and not just parents. We have communicated to my brother that his thoughts are unreasonable and have told him that he must set himself right if he ever intends to marry and have a happy marriage. And no we are not looking for a girl for him because we know 100% that any girl who marries him cannot be happy.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Is it possible that your brother just has a controlling, maybe narcissistic personality, and because we live in a patriarchal society, those traits manifest themselves as male chauvinism?
      I don’t think your parents are to blame, and I don’t think parents are accountable for their kids actions, maybe for their personality.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your comment. Brought into light a broader perspective. If not for the live example you provided of your brother, I would not have thought societal influence would be greater than that of the family and upbringing.

      I am sorry your brother turned out the way he is. But applaud the way you and your parents have chosen not to ignore it ( unlike many I know out there) and making all efforts to get him think right.

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  7. Drives home a really, really critical point. But the title of that post is misleading. The regret isn’t about bringing up her daughter to be independent. It lies in failing to make her son respect women and equality.

    It also shows why it isn’t enough to tell men to not assault other women sexually. I feel that domestic violence is not taken as seriously as sexual assaults because people isolate sexual crimes from other forms of gender discrimination. So all other violence goes unchecked or passes off as acceptable.

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  8. Usually men expect their wives to be like their mothers…They are pretty indulgent towards youngers sisters and daughters.
    In this case the boy probably grew up seeing his mom as a perfect housewife who was a good cook, good mother and dressed conservatively.His ideal wife was someone like his mother not sister.
    While this lady instilled feminist values in her daughter she didnt follow it herself.Hence her son grew up with that ideology.

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  9. According to the story the mom was given a limited govt school education to be married off and be a housewife.. that which has happened to most of our moms of the previous generations. I remember my mom say how she cried to her dad to let her complete her graduation at least by distance education, but my grandad would not let her as he thought she wouldn’t get a groom to marry if she is too educated. So my mom had this strong resolve to get me highly educated as she couldn’t get those privileges…

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  10. The title is totally incorrect… So much that it totally subverts the story message.. There was nothing wrong in the way she raised her daughter… It was the way she raised her son.. If the daughter was never there… It would have still happened. Don’t put it on daughter

    Further where is the dad… What’s his reaction.. Reaction of son in law.. Because that adds a perspective of a guy who is not like the son..this is nothing but guild trip

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    • If you want to create a long lasting relationship, it’s important to create equality and respect. If one or the other lacks that it can be problematic. For some reason society has a greater influence on its people than their parents, Just my two cents.

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  11. Thanks much for posting IHM ! I am sorry, life got hectic in the last few days and I could not login to check back here.

    Some great feedback and eye-opening response (about my take on the article) in the comment section here, as always🙂

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  12. Looks like a very poorly written article, mostly by a novice, just for the clicks. No wonder so much is missing in the story, as pointed out by others. I wouldn’t surmise that it is solely the influence of parents and their actions that form the children’s characters and beliefs. But it would be totally understandable if the mother would blame herself for her son’s character, in Indian setup.

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