An email from the Accused Guy: ‘I would request all to respond once again after reading the other side of it.’

Sharing a comment from The Accused Guy where he attempts to give ‘the other side’ of the story. 

The comment was made in response to this email: “He became more distant and sometime would verbally abuse me, call me names and then slapping and wrist twisting started happening.”

Please note,

1. The ‘only son’ in the email is not ‘only child’. 

2. The ‘only son’ is raised to understand that he would provide for his parents. (Which is why we Indians pray, fast, bless, sex select etc).

3. The only son’s parents in this email are expected to provide for the other adult child, the married daughter (possibly to ensure that she is treated well by her in laws and hence Stays Married).

4. The average male child does not question this, though sometimes he might expect his wife to demand from her parents what his parents do for his sister. This seems to transfer the victimisation to the daughter in law. 

This is not questioned or seen as evil although this is the biggest reason for India’s Skewed Gender Ratio.  

5. Violence, physical and verbal, in the email, is being tolerated as a part of conflict resolution. 

6. Indian women (and men) feel they must marry the first person they are in a relationship with.

In case of a break up, men risk being accused of ‘using’ the woman [Link]. Women risk being accused to having been used (and hence dishonoured and no longer marriageable).

And here’s the comment from AccusedGuy.

After reading the blog post, I would have reacted the same way as everyone. But this is what one sided stories do. So I would request all to respond once again after reading the other side of it.

Which is as following:

Me and “XYZ” were together for around 6 years before marriage. We first expressed our love for each other during college days. Of course I was in love with her because I hadn’t seen anyone so innocent and pure of heart. Hence our relationship started.
Start of relation was very bubbly-bubbly as every relation is but with time I observed that that innocence started to disappear (Only for me) and I was bombarded with jealousy, insecurities and expectations. This was first time relationship experience for both of us and being naïve about it, we left things on time to improve.
Things didn’t improve even after a couple of years of relationship (Mostly distance relationship during college projects), I decided to talk to “XYZ”. But before any kind of relevant talk, I was immediately tagged as “someone who used her for a couple of years with no intentions of marriage” (which was automatically assumed since we were in “relationship”).  I tried to talk to her that cheating her was never the intention but continuing a relationship which is full of issues is also a mistake. But she never agreed to split and assured that she’ll do everything to correct her limitations and I didn’t want her to hurt her like that so we continued our relationship.
After college, we took our jobs. She was in Gurgaon and me in Noida. We met occasionally on weekends and spent 3 years like this (having major fights all the while). One fight got so worse that we decided to take a break for a couple of weeks from each other and re-think our relation. After that time we sat together and I communicated to her that we shouldn’t be together because we can’t resolve our issues. She again disagreed and told me that she’ll make all the adjustments but insisted on maintaining the relationship.
After that it’s correct that I had feelings for some other girl. But “XYZ” was aware of that before marriage. We talked about this and I assured her that no external factor will come between us (I have maintained that always and have fulfilled that to this date) but I still maintained that getting married was a bad idea because we can’t resolve our issues. But again I was accused that I wasted her six years and now was simply ditching her for some other girl.

So we got married.

After marriage everything changed.
“I’ll do everything to correct my issues” changed to “you push me for everything”…
“Lets resolve our issues” changed to “my parents will talk to you on this issue”…
“let’s stay together” changed to “we should split up” …

Parent’s issue:
Before marriage I told “XYZ” that since I am the only son to take care of my diabetic parents, they’ll come live with us. And “XYZ” seemed fairly OK with that. After marriage, before my parents were to visit us, I asked “XYZ” if she has any concerns then I’ll love to address them but she didn’t discuss anything that night… But a few days she started saying that she talked to some of her friends and she’ll like to discuss some issues.

Conversation was as following:
XYZ: Who’ll pay for their expenses?
Me: Since I am only son, there’s no segregation of money. So it doesn’t matter who pays. Even if it does, I’ll be happy to pay for my parents stay and eatables.
XYZ: What if parents leave some part of their wealth to your sister?
Me: Then it’ll be their wish. But I can still pay for their stay and eatables.
XYZ: fine. What’ll happen to us? Our alone time?
Me: We come back from office at around ~7 PM. we can join them till dinner time.. after ~9 PM we can have our alone time till we sleep (usually ~11 PM).
XYZ: fine. But I want to control kitchen my way.
Me: Sure, adjust with mum till she’s here after that you can resort to your ways again.

When parents came, she was friendly for a day or two but then she started ignoring them. Didn’t go to their room until I asked her to come along or didn’t left our room till it was exact office time during morning. I found this odd and asked if she has any issues with them. Her reply was “It takes time for me to accept and love people. So don’t push me till it happens itself”. To me, it wasn’t lack of love it was more about lack of respect that she chose to ignore my parents. [IHM:Link] That became one of our constant issues even after my parents left. Things kept getting severe on this front every time my parents visited afterwards.

I never asked/pushed her to do “Seva” of my parents and I did expect her to atleast respect my parents enough to acknowledge their presence.

Physical Abuse issue:
I’ll not defend myself here because I believe under no circumstance it should be a resort. But I’ll just add complete picture to this.
We were never good at resolving our issues and mostly it would turn into loud arguments and heated shouting. One time during such shouting I slapped her. But the moment I hit her, I realized what I had done and said sorry to her. Next day too I felt so bad that I called up mother and confessed that I slapped my wife and I was really sorry for that.
XYZ didn’t take it lightly and accused me of physical abuse. She made it a family issue and finally I apologized to her mother also for same.

In our subsequent fights, she started hitting me(Not on face but all over various body parts in her fury). I pointed that out to her that is this not physical abuse. Her response was “come on you are a guy, “itna lagta be hai tumhe??”.
First time I twisted her arm, she took a jadu and beat me with it. After her anger dissolved she said “Come on, deere se tou mara tha”
Another time, during the argument I made a gesture of raising hand and she scratched skin out of my arm. Later she said “itna bi ni lga tumhe”.

And yeah Kut*a, haram**ada were commonly used to address me during these fights.

Bangalore:
A couple of days before I was to travel to Bangalore, we had a fight. But on last day, we put that behind us and hugged. I asked her to join me as soon as she can so that we can settle our new life their together.
4-5 days later I reached Bangalore, it was her birthday so I called her and wished her (No call from her prior to that). During another call later that day we again had an argument. Next day I called her and her response was “pls stop interfering with my life and leave me alone” So I didn’t call her after that. She had medical issues, she left for her home town (without telling me).

Now it’s been around 50 days..

Related Posts:

An email. Aren’t the sons supposed to have their own family lives?

Display of respect to those in power, in Indian culture.

‘I am not really sure why is it the duty of a new bride to adjust no matter what you feel?’

“I have met a lot of Indian guys who say their parents have done a lot for them so they can’t leave them now…”

“I will never live in a joint family, it has its roots in patriarchy and benefits only men.”

An email from Pakistan: “There is a feeling among my parents that I don’t want to spend on them.”

Loving husbands who spend day and night to create harmony in Patriarchal Joint Families.

“My husband would tell me to stay with my in laws for some more time and that he didn’t want any discussions.”

An email: I am 18 year old male from a traditional (read:backward) Indian family.

The Men in Our Lives – Priya

From the modern, Indian woman to Shravan Kumar.

‘Last month, my sister’s husband picked a fight with her as he felt she was not doing enough for his parents.’

“I have no other option than to move in with my very orthodox in laws. I need tips to not get hurt.”

‘How can we change the socialization of boys and the definitions of manhood that lead to these current outcomes?’

Of how men’s masculinities are connected to their wives taking their names.

27 ways in which Patriarchy harms men.

So why do some men compare and compete with other men?

What do men need liberation from?

Not touching feet after a year of marriage is disrespect to MIL?

“Practically, what can an introvert DIL do to communicate that she means no disrespect by wanting her own time?”

Relationships – Making Someone Happy – By Priya

An email: ‘He made it clear to them he will not marry me without their support. He will not leave them behind… ever.’

And here’s what seems to complicate it further…

57 thoughts on “An email from the Accused Guy: ‘I would request all to respond once again after reading the other side of it.’

  1. You should have followed your instincts.You never wanted to marry this girl, you shouldn’t have. Now initiate divorce proceedings as soon as possible. Neither you nor your wife sound mature enough to be married.

    Her hitting you is just as unacceptable as you hitting her. Sadly, her “you are a guy” excuse is quite common among many well-off, well-educated women in India. It’s best you avoid such women in the future.

    Like

  2. Hi

    My response is completely based on what you have said and previous letter given in link.

    First of all , all the guys and parents of guys should understand that their own child is responsible for care giving not their In-Law child. Before marriage all guys will not do anything or any house work for their mother but once they are married they somehow realise their mother have grown old and wife should do all housework. How hippocratic and convenient.So your wife is not at all responsible for this daily care giving untill unless you are doing it on regular basis.

    If I dont give morning and evening attendance then it doesn’t mean that I am not respecting them. When we will understand that Respect is not equal to obedience.

    And why only male child have issues between In-Laws and wife but not vice-versa. Because parents of female child completely give up their child after marriage to husband and his family hence never interfere and are happy with whatever provided but this never happens with male child hence conflicts. Even men don’t realise this because it works in their favour. Hence you wanted that your wife should be as loving as you are towards your parents. And on other hand , husband behaves very badly with their Parents In-Law and still treated as king by them.

    If you want what your wife would have felt then go and live with your parents In-Law where your FIL will everyday give you lecture about how to manage finance , kids and wife. It is so easy to expect without experiencing it.

    And please don’t marry until you are sure and leave marriage if its not working.

    Liked by 1 person

        • Hi ,

          First of all RESPECT IS NOT EQUAL TO OBEDIENCE.

          I respect my parents but i don’t have to follow what they say. If anyone links that non compliance is disrespectful then their thought process is wrong.

          In context of letters:

          If I am not getting along with any person and his/her behavior then I will leave that person to follow his/her own heart without any criticism and will expect same for me. If LW’s lifestyle and her In-Laws lifestyle didn’t matched then she did the best sane thing possible that is let live. She can live her own life and they can their own so that their path didn’t intersect and both are happy with themselves. But the problem is that people especially female In-Law want to impose their way of living on DIL who has her own set of beliefs, lifestyle and way of doing things for past 22-23 yrs in name of family tradition. It is lack of respect for individual and again I will say sense of entitlement.

          Instead of being herds of human , we should let everybody live the way they want instead of forcing culture .

          And yes its gender specific because this is expected only from DILs and not Sons-In-Law. They will happily or grudgingly accommodate for Son-In-Law but with DILs they will become old people who can not accept and adjust with new ways of living.

          Like

    • But he made it clear that he is the sole caregiver to his parents and also financially responsible for them. IMHO, the girl should not have married in this case.

      If you have house guests, you at least make time to talk to them at the start and end of your day. Its not obedience. Its common courtesy.

      Like

  3. Gosh, I have known couples like yours which embarrass not just themselves but everyone around them with their insistence on fighting and still remaining together. I’ll be honest. While your wife made the mistake of bulldozing you into a marriage and continuing with a dead relationship, your behaviour in burying the issues and continuing along has not helped either.

    Why did you marry one woman when you had feelings for another? It makes no sense, because your feelings and loyalties are engaged elsewhere. How do you think your wife would feel about it? Did you think of marrying her to do her a favour or what? It does not matter if you didn’t actually cheat on her. You talk like the marriage was a passive act on your side and you just went along being dragged by your wife to the altar. If so, why?

    “Sure, adjust with mum till she’s here after that you can resort to your ways again.” No! It’s her home and her kitchen and she will do whatever she likes in it. The only other person who has a say in the home is you, not your parents. You talk about your wife’s lack of disrespect for your parents, but this attitude is showing disrespect to your wife.

    As for the physical abuse, you yourself have admitted that you started it each time. Do you expect your wife to meekly take whatever you dish out? You twist her arm and expect not to be hit by a broom. You raise your hand in a violently threatening gesture and don’t expect to be scratched. Brilliant!

    This relationship was screwed from the start, and from what you have written, neither of you know how to live in a marriage as a single unit, giving respect to each other. There doesn’t seem to be any ‘love’ in this scenario either, and there never seems to have been. I am baffled why you guys want to stick together.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You put it so straight Fem. However being witness of such fights in childhood I would like to say if some one is going to beat me or is beating then surely I will to beat him back. It is not civil but once anyone raises hand then basic civil respects end there.

      One more thing there will always be one party who has done wrong and initiate fight and other one starts replying. So your right when you started calling her with names and started beating her then what you would have expected her to do. Simply take your beating and abuse like heroine in serial.

      I am sure your parents and most parents will happily adjust as per whims of their Son In Law. It shows they are capable of adjusting but will not do it for DIL becuase they feel entitle towards her . And why so because you are watering their attitide. Instead of adjusting we should accomodate each other wishes or try to have middle ground. Instead of forcing our expectation on other we should try to fullfil it by ourself.

      And why such couple don’t divorce because it brings stigma to both especially women. So they continue this drama throughout their life but stay together

      Like

      • “I would like to say if some one is going to beat me or is beating then surely I will to beat him back. It is not civil but once anyone raises hand then basic civil respects end there.”

        The minute someone raises a hand to you, walk out of that relationship and never look back.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Atleast that’s what he wants all of us to think.
          To me it looks like a hypothetical situation described by a wife-beating-sympathizer to dilute the case of neck-grabbing, wrist-twisting & terrorizing a sick girl.
          I personally think it is highly unlikely for a beaten wife to beat back her husband. For an outsider it might look very probable, but as a person who has experienced it first hand, I can say that the moment a woman is hit by her husband (or, in more general terms, when any physically weaker person is hit by a relatively stronger person in a closed place where no one will step in (a.k.a “interfere in family incidents”) to help), she (or the victim) gets frozen – your survival instincts take over your normal brain, and your only thought will be to minimize damages to your body. You WON’T react because the survival-instinct which is embedded in your brain knows that you don’t stand a chance of winning, and will NOT let you even think of responding physically. What is portrayed in comedy shows/movies is NOT what can really happen. If I had not been through the same situation, even I might have thought that this hitting-back is possible. No, it is highly unlikely.

          Like

  4. Five very simple, very objective observations.

    1. “I was accused that I wasted her six years and now was simply ditching her for some other girl” is no reason to marry someone. If you saw red flags before you got married, you shouldn’t have married her. Enough said.

    2. It seems that she was the one constantly promising to “make adjustments” (whether or not she actually made them is another story). You, on the other hand, sound like someone who just went along with it because she was promising to pull the weight and because you didn’t want the inconvenience of a messy breakup. You, on the other hand, “just went along”. This is extremely passive behavior and bound to cause problems in relationships.

    3. You said nothing of your relationship with my parents except that you are expected to care for them. But do you not see anything worth mentioning that they may be doing wrong? For example, if your parents are visiting, shouldn’t they be the ones adjusting, even if it is for a while? Why would you expect your wife to turn her life around because of your family?

    4. I see a direct link between your wife’s changing behaviour and your parents visiting, so I will ask a very direct question. You don’t even have to answer, because I suspect I already know. If you had to give one of these relationships up, which would you have more difficulty leaving – your parents or your wife?

    5. Physical/emotional violence is not ok, no matter who is on the receiving end. You should get out of this marriage now.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. When there is anger hatred and ego, there is no place for compatibility in a relationship. I feel from both sides, there seems to be a lack of tolerance and a lack of openness, consistently…..

    In such a scenario, serious compatibility issues are bound to arise. Work has to be done on the relationship from a grass root level, beginning with trust on each other…..

    http://meotherwise.com/2015/08/18/weve-been-married-for-55-years-and-we-havent-fought-for-a-single-day/

    Like

  6. I am only going to comment on the Physical Abuse part, simply because it stands out to me how you have considered this issue in your life. I am copying one of my comments from an earlier post in this very same blog.

    ” I have been married for 3 years. A few days after my second anniversary my husband and I got into a terrible fight. He pressed my mouth very strongly in anger. I was stunned! I knew it amounted to domestic violence. He had not hit me but it was domestic violence nonetheless. I told this to my brother and his reply was – “Next time he does that hit him back with full force. If you can’t match his physical strength, hit him while he is sleeping. And tell him that you will hit him back anytime you can if he repeats this ever again.” Then he spoke to my husband and told him that he cannot hit his wife under any circumstances. Even if he comes to know that his wife is sleeping with other men! Dear LW that is the level of tolerance needed towards domestic violence i.e. ZERO TOLERANCE!!!”

    You said your wife MADE it a family issue, FYI, Domestic violence is a criminal offence, it should have been reported to the police. The way you say that your wife “didn’t take it lightly and ACCUSED you of physical abuse” just made my blood boil!!! You didn’t get reported to the police, simply because that is not what most women will still do in our country.

    As for what you both should do in this marriage, I really think you already know it.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I agree with you on many things:
      – zero tolerance on violence
      – report it to the police
      – the LW saying “she made this a family issue” is ridiculous after committing a criminal offense

      There is one thing I disagree on – the advice to hit back. This can be dangerous. When the victim hits back, it can trigger a much stronger reaction from the abuser, which can seriously injure, maim, or kill the victim, depending on the state the abuser is in. Instead, it is better to LEAVE immediately, and go to a safe place, report the incident to the police, and continue to live where there is always a witness (should another incident happen), and if there is any form of harassment (verbal/cyber/physical) get a restraining order.

      Like

      • I agree with you Priya, I would also never advice a victim to hit back for the reasons you mentioned. My brother said this in the same vein as we would tell a loved one to retaliate in case somebody misbehaves with them. And I spelled this out to my DH to make sure that he knows what he is dealing with.

        Why I mentioned this personal incident because I was shocked beyond words to know that this fellow actually expected his wife to neither make violence an issue plus not even react in any way. As if he was expecting her to take the beatings as a part and parcel of life!

        P.S – I, personally, however would beat the shit out of anybody who raises a finger on me before I run away for my life😀 Don’t care about the consequences, and don’t even know if it is the right thing to do, but that’s just who I am.

        Like

  7. My conclusion from reading both the emails is that this marriage is not right for either of the partners involved and it is better to separate unless both of them learn to deal with issues in a mature manner.

    Even though it is water under the bridge:
    – It is not fair to have feelings for someone and marry somebody else.
    – It is not nice to be so passive for something like a marriage and go into it even though it is obvious that it is not right for both of you.
    – Abuse from either partners is not okay at all.
    – Why are you surprised that your wife is not putting up with your physical abuse silently and hitting you back. Maybe you could start with not starting the abuse.
    – You cannot expect your wife to adjust while your parents are there because it is quite convenient for you and there is no pressure for you to conform unlike on the DIL of the house. If you want to take care of your parents, you should have communicated it clearly and if it sounds good, maybe she initially agreed but that does not mean that she is not allowed to change her mind. I might start watching a movie but I may not like it and may want to stop watching. That cannot be a reason for people to get angry that I changed my mind. Sometimes, we do not know what we will like unless we experience it for ourselves. Nobody is criticising the guy for dressing a particular way, maintaining the kitchen a particular way or stuff like that, it is always the women who are bothered for these things. If you wish to take care of your parents, the ideal solution would be to live nearby so that all parties can enjoy their freedom.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. To guy:

    1) You say you had all kinds of doubts about marrying this woman but she ‘made you’ or ‘convinced you’. Please take responsibility for your own decision. It’s the only way to improve your life.

    2) She convinced you that she will make adjustments in herself and you say she did not after marriage. Did you never consider that there might be some flaws in yourself too? That two people need to make adjustments? Did you really think you were perfect?

    Again when your parents were visiting, you expect your wife to ‘adjust’. Did you ask your parents to adjust or respect her etc? Why only expect her to change?

    3) You have found plenty of flaws in your wife but seemingly none in yourself and your parents. She ‘disrespects’ them but there’s nothing of how they treat her. How you treat her. You can divorce this wife but you’ll probably have the same issues again until you realise women are human too, like you and your parents. They are not born with perfect obedience and servitude.

    When you visit your wife’s parents or if they visited you, do you do see them every morning, every evening, cook for them, serve and ‘respect’ them in exactly the way you expect from her?

    4) You accept that hitting her was bad and yet you freely accept that you ‘threateningly’ raised your hand again but then focus on her scratching you. When you raise your hand, what do you expect her to do? She’s wrong to hit you when she initiated it.

    To woman:

    1) You need to decondition ourself from patriarchal beliefs. If you break-up or divorce someone, they did not ‘use you’, you are not an object that can be used. No matter how many times you have sex, your sanctity is intact. You are a person.

    2) Men feel pain too, it is still physical abuse if you hit him. He is as human as you. If you have to hit back in self defence, leave so you don’t risk physical injury again.

    3) You shouldn’t have to promise to change yourself to get someone to marry you or stay with you. You deserve to be loved as you are. Learn to accept and respect yourself first of all.

    Overall, things here are very screwed up. I see no mutual respect and a lot of entitlement. If you stay together, please see a therapist.. a lot! And you both seriously need to grow up to be in any kind of marriage, with each other or with someone else.

    Liked by 5 people

  9. I honestly feel like both of you are seriously immature and your marriage sounds scary!

    Violence is not OK. Not in any situation. But if you slap her, you are definitely going to get hit back. Incase she initiated a violent act at any point, then I suggest you both enroll for some anger management classes. Raising your hand when arguing is terrible.

    As far as ‘adjustments’ and ‘respect’ is concerned, I am concerned that you didn’t think you had to make any. I do believe everyone should be given respect, but respect needs to be earned. If your parents were stressing your wife out, expecting her to do some form of ‘duty’ then I can understand why she preferred to stay out of their way.

    I feel bad for both you and your wife because it seems the two of you are in denial and keep passing the blame between each other. I think you and your wife have no open lines of communication and desperately need counselling. Your entire post made me feel like you decided to get married just like that. Get some help. Split up if required and regain some sanity.

    Like

  10. Well, I’m not going to point fingers here. I’m not going to blame anyone. Because to me, it looks like both of you have a common enemy; patriarchy.

    We seem to forget that patriarchy is also harmful to both men and women. This here is a prime example! The LW here married his wife because he didn’t want to be accused of ‘misleading her’. That’s not either of them speaking, that’s patriarchy speaking. The same sentiments that gave rise to the notion women having to be ‘protected’ and ‘controlled’ at all times also gave rise to this notion. The same patriarchy that insisted that she do ‘seva’ for her in laws also promoted that ‘mard ko dard nahi hota’.

    It’s not men vs women. It’s not me vs you. That is not going to get you anywhere.

    As for this marriage, you both need to get out of it asap. You both got married for all the wrong reasons.

    Like

  11. oh lord, what a mess. Both of you …
    1. Please separate.
    2. please dont have kids.
    3. please dont get remarried without some deep introspection.

    Violence , abuse, verbal foul mouthing…. — yuck . are you children with no control on your tongues. Is this how you guys behave when your Boss pisses you off.? no they why do you behave this way with the person you guys have chosen to be closest to you ..

    In-laws – seem to be an issue in every problem marriage. when they visit you guys they follow your rules. when you visit them you follow their rules. simple.
    it always works. they are guests in your house, doesn’t matter if they gave birth to you or gave birth to her. they are GUESTS. Likewise when grown kids go to their parents house they respect their rules. even if you are the apple of their eyes.
    My MIL is a traditional orthodox woman steeped in 19th century traditions , yet she recognises the fact that this is our house she is a temp visitor, she does not question the way i dress, eat,cook do things. if she doesnt recognize that her son reminds her .
    likewise with my parents. when i go to india i dress in a way she is comfortable with, i eat what she makes, i help her as much as i can and fit into her routine. that is the basic respect you provide to someone who takes the pains of hosting you. this is common courtesy . doesnt diminish our love for each other one bit. in fact i love my MIL as much as i love my mom, even a bit more🙂 that is because we RESPECT each other, no one sided respect works.

    Anyway in your case if its advise you are after, please split , maybe your wife hit enlightenment after marriage, you didnt want ot get married ( per you email) might as well fix that now. when an oppurtunity present itself. please forgive my lack of empathy. Im sick to my eyeballs hearing about such cases.
    are you really 2 adults??? sure you are not immature teens with a small but growing frontal lobe and raging hormones.

    Like

    • This – “Violence , abuse, verbal foul mouthing…. — yuck . are you children with no control on your tongues. Is this how you guys behave when your Boss pisses you off.? no they why do you behave this way with the person you guys have chosen to be closest to you ..”

      You simply cannot get away with this behavior with someone else, yet you choose to be that way with the one person closest to you and the one you’re most vulnerable to. Very sad overall.

      Like

  12. I stopped reading here.

    “To me, it wasn’t lack of love it was more about lack of respect that she chose to ignore my parents.”

    She owes your parents basic courtesy, but respect is earned. Respect is not obedience or homage, as you seem to imply.

    Your wife was being respectful to herself and to your parents by getting out of their way since she felt uncomfortable around them (in her own home). She is not obliged to pay homage to them. She got up, did her stuff, went to work, came back, minded her own business. What’s the problem? Your parents, your problem. She told you she needs time to accept and love them. You decided that you got a say in how she should feel. THAT is disrespectful.

    And no, she doesn’t have to “adjust” to someone taking over her kitchen and telling her what to do in her own home. You may think it’s ok, but she’s entitled to feel disrespected and bullied when you respond in this manner. You need to “adjust” to the fact that she is entitled to her feelings and opinions and resents people taking over her home, which is her sanctuary.

    You mother needs to be respecting her more. As for violence and physical assaults, both of you need counseling, even if you get divorced.

    Like

  13. @Accused :

    Did you seriously think your wife was disrespecting your parents by not going to their room in mornings or evenings? Are these your thoughts or your mother put her thoughts into your mind?
    Do you really call it disrespect?

    If you call it disrespect towards your parents, how about you divorce your wife and never marry again. Because most of the women would not like to go to your parent’s room every morning or evenings just to pay respects 😛

    So please spare women and don’t get married at all.

    Also, if you hit her first, you expect her not to react and not make issue out of it? You should thank your stars she didnt go to police because what you been doing is criminal offence and if she had gone to police, that would have landed you up in Jail. How immature and foolish of you to say she made a big issue out of it.

    Get yourself a plastic doll or best a Robot. It’ll do as you say and wont make a issue even if you hit it.

    Like

  14. Nice try, “Accused”.

    You’ve crafted for us an amazing email designed to distract from the fact that YOU PHYSICALLY ABUSED YOUR WIFE.

    Nothing that your wife has done is a crime. Some of the things you have done are crimes, however. No amount of you telling us how horrible your wife supposedly is changes this fact. You are a criminal and a wife-beater. F*** you. You have no excuse.

    The rest of you and your wife’s issues are ordinary and run-of-the-mill relationship troubles. She pressured you to get married, you are cheating on her, she doesn’t want you to give money to your parents, you don’t love her and never have… blah blah blah.

    The story becomes sinister only when you start to force her to do bahu-seva. And then you start hitting her. SHAME ON YOU. You are a worthless piece of abusive shit. I hope she sends you to jail.

    Like

  15. To the Accused:
    Serious guts you should be having man to openly write such a letter and also it once again proves the way in which boys in India are brought up!!!! Look at the audacity!!!!
    It took full 20 mins for me to understand that this man actually hit his wife and is saying she made a big fuss about it and involved family and also he expects her to just take all the slaps and twists and turns…
    You know what, just get some clay from a kids store and keep doing clay modelling, that way you can twist, turn and hit and do whatever you want and there will nobody to retort.
    The wife: Just leave this guy and go for counseling and get rid of your patriarchal mindset.

    Like

  16. I would never advice a divorce. That is the most traumatic experience higher than mother’s death according to one US research.

    1) It is a common symptom of the ‘masculine instinct of being responsible’ that may have led to this marriage. The boy was in the relationship and he stayed with the relationship, in spite of some doubts. He was perhaps a bit immature to got into another attraction, but that is the past now. But a six year pre-marital relationship is not a joke. It is lot likely that there is love.

    2) Now, since marriage is done, and since I can honestly see sparks of reconciliation in both the emails, I am very positive that you guys can work through the rough weather. I can also see love. You guys have a soft corner for each other. See, marriage is not easy and we are not taught to deal with marriage. Love alone cannot carry off a marriage. WE HAVE TO KEEP WORKING IN A RELATIONSHIP FOR IT TO BLOOM.

    3)We lead extremely complicated lives with both of us pressured at work, without any support systems to help us, guide us. ‘Home’ is another work place, but we don’t see it that way. We perceive ‘home’ as the place only to have peace, take rest and be yourself all the time. The reality is that home is also a workplace where we have to work on our relationships.

    4)Now, what is working on a relationship? Working on a relationship involves selflessness for the selfish reason to have a loving relationship. It involves working on relationships with the whole family. FIL, MIL, Mama, Mami, Chacha, Chachi etc. It is not difficult if we put our minds to it. It becomes even easier when we see the benefits of ‘working on irritating projects’ by a love filled relationship with the spouse. Please note that I am not being gender specific.

    5) It is a researched fact that ‘a love filled relationship’ is the happiest thing that one could have. If the output is so good and valuable, we have to, no doubt, do some hard work to achieve that. We have to also understand the meaning of a ‘love filled relationship’ after marriage. Let me tell you that it is very different from love before marriage. A love filled relationship after marriage is more about ‘being helpful to each other’, ‘being thankful to each other’, ‘being cute to each other’ and ‘being forgiving to each other’. It is about understanding that we are all humans and ‘to err is human’. It will grow into a feeling that ‘without you, I am nothing’. And that is marital bliss that becomes visible in every look that you give to each other.

    6) We live in a distracted world today where meeting and talking to the opposite sex is easy. Biologically, we all tend to go for multiple partners if nature is let to prevail. But, our society is not made up like that. We have our restrictions. So, please keep any second person out of your relationship. Don’t even mention it. If anything of the past comes up in any fight, just be silent. Silence is golden. Dont dig. It is extremely difficult especially for the girl to even listen to a mention of another girl.

    I hope that you two read this and give a whole hearted attempt at solving the current dilemma. Do not listen to all these negative comments about breaking up in this blog. This blog is a one-sided view of the world. I sincerely wish you happiness and a happy married life with beautiful kids.

    God bless.

    Like

    • In other words, the woman should tolerate infidelity, physical abuse, and regressive expectations in the name of saving her marriage? It’s ok to suffer neglect from her own husband who agrees with his parents that her illness is just “acting”? You want the woman to do seva to appease chacha, chachi, mama, mami, servants and family dog?

      Are you saying both of them should tolerate verbal and physical abuse from each other and pretend nothing ever happened? He should be forced to stay in a relationship with someone he never wanted to marry in the first place?

      Are you saying It’s ok to die trying in the process because as you know, he caught her by the neck. Whatever his motivations might have been, if that’s the kind of anger issues he has, he could do worse next time. I don’t know about you but I’d prefer to be alive and traumatized by divorce than accidentally dead.

      Advice like this is the reason disastrous marriages like one this happen in the first place. He married her because he was conditioned to believe “everything will be ok after marriage and two kids”. She was conditioned to believe that saving a relationship is far more important than looking for compatibility and trust. That a break-up is a failure.

      Yes marriages need work and yes, I work on my marriage every single day. But no, not all marriages can work. Some shouldn’t happen at all and if they do, we need to give people a chance to recover. Don’t punish them and any future children for one mistake. If two people aren’t happy together and fight like this, what kind of environment will they provide for children?

      If it hadn’t been for advice like this, these two people might have been in a happier place with people they were more compatible with. Yes, like others above I doubt these guys can be happy in other relationships without working on some issues but I don’t think that’s the fundamental cause of concern here. The main problem as I see it is that the guy was right in not wanting to get married. His warped sense of entitlement over another human being (no doubt fueled by advice like that above) is absolutely wrong. She was wrong in wanting to get married without resolving the issues that bothered them for years. She was right in walking out when she did.

      Wish them a peaceful break-up and good luck with their lives.

      As for LW, I’m not sure why you’re writing. If you never wanted to be married in the first place, why are you complaining that she left?

      IHM, there was no need for the quotes around ‘other side’. Every story always has two sides or more. If we take her word at face value, we should do the same for him as well.

      Like

      • //IHM, there was no need for the quotes around ‘other side’. Every story always has two sides or more. If we take her word at face value, we should do the same for him as well.//

        The Goddess I shared this email because this is a very common scenario.

        We do generally take the emails at face value, and it’s easy because these are situations many of us have seen around us. Even if there are inaccuracies – the acceptance to abuse, force, violence and the patriarchal mindset are still a part of our society. This email (which is the other side) is one example of how violence, honor and display of respect are viewed.

        Also, in general the other side does not really matter because the advice is based on the information given in the email. We have no way to know the exact facts or the other side (frequently demanded by trolls, which is why the quotes) and we don’t need to because we are aware that even if there is an other side, the situations described are common enough. The comments help anybody facing a similar situation.

        Like

    • I’m going to reply to your comment point by point:

      1) ” But a six year pre-marital relationship is not a joke. It is lot likely that there is love.” Yes, maybe there was love. But maybe in those six years their paths and interests diverged, they grew apart and they were no longer compatible. Maybe they got into it and then realized after the relationships’s “honeymoon” period that they aren’t suited for each other. Am i supposed to marry the guy i had a crush on when i was ten just because i liked him then? Am i supposed to marry the guy i dated in high school, just because 16 year old me was in a relationship with him? Do you think this is a hindi movie?

      2)”Love alone cannot carry off a marriage.”. There is no love here. The guy never loved her, he passively agreed to marriage to avoid hurting her and he has feelings for another girl. The girl most probably didn’t love him, she was just afraid of what people would say if she broke off a 6 year “relationship”. The reason she’s worried is because of people like you.

      3)”The reality is that home is also a workplace where we have to work on our relationships.”. I actually agree with you on this. If home=workplace, then let the letter writer go hit his boss next time his boss upsets him and see what happens. if “being yourself” means physically abusing your partner, then you should probably go and “be yourself” in jail.

      4)”It involves working on relationships with the whole family.” . They barely have a working relationship with each other and you want to drag family members into this mess? How do you expect any relationship to develop when you’re busy running behind the approval of some Mama you see twice a year?

      5)”It is about understanding that we are all humans and ‘to err is human’.”To err is human, sure. But everything human is not acceptable. Hitting your partner for example is criminal. Passively agreeing to a marriage you never wanted is immature. Thinking that a relationship is a waste of time if it doesn’t lead to marriage is equally immature. Human doesn’t mean acceptable, human= happens in the real world.

      6)”We live in a distracted world today where meeting and talking to the opposite sex is easy.”. You have a problem with this? Should all married people only meet friends of the same gender after marriage?

      7)” It is extremely difficult especially for the girl to even listen to a mention of another girl.” LOL. Women in this country are brought up to accept anything their husbands do, even affairs. A man having a relationship is acceptable because men have “needs”.On the other hand, try telling an average indian man that his wife liked someone else before marriage.Forget wife, try telling him his older sister is in a relationship.Just try it and see what happens.

      8) “Do not listen to all these negative comments about breaking up in this blog.”. You know what the most negative comment on this post is? Yours. Because you think that people should accept physical abuse instead of leaving a marriage. You think people who are not mature enough to be married should stay married.All marriages are not sacred and all marriages are not worth protecting. If marriages are so important to you, then why aren’t you yelling at the letter writer for hitting his wife? Hitting is acceptable in a marriage? Surely you should be treating your wife better than that?

      Liked by 4 people

      • Thank you Purple Prose for this comment. The original comment was so fundamentally wrong on so many levels, I didn’t know where I would even start in terms of a response. You are SO right when you say it is people like this commenter who make couples like the LWs get married and stay married in unhappy, miserable, even abusive marriages. What a sick society such people have created – where something as warped as violence is made better than breaking up. Now I feel more kindly toward this couple.

        Like

    • I am not even surprised by the advice you have offered. People like you are still in majority and I come across such people every single day, everywhere i go.

      I, however, agree to one sentence you have stated above – “This blog is a one-sided view of the world”. Surprise, surprise, Yes, it is indeed, and I will tell you why –

      1.On this blog people view women as human beings as much as men are, something that our society fails at every moment in almost every household.

      2.On this blog people believe that a woman has exactly the same rights as a man, in every aspect. Obviousy this doesn’t go well with the masses, and hence is a one-sided view !

      3. On this blog people believe that a woman’s in-laws have as much right on her as a man’s in laws have e.g. if a man’s in laws are not supposed to tell the man what to wear, a woman’s in-laws can’t do that either.

      4. On this blog people believe that marriage is a ‘partnership’, in every sense of that word. Again, obviously a one-sided view!

      I know and have accepted that people like you can’t ever change their mentality but yes I can definitely help to spread the one-sided view (defined above) as much as possible, contributing in my own way and helping women who email IHM to understand this one-sided view, labelled wrong by the society, is what they need!

      Liked by 1 person

    • As someone who has been in a relationship for a long time and is planning on getting married, let me say that a long ‘pre-marital’ relationship is no reason to get married nor is it an indication of love. When people date it is to see if they can make a good marriage partner ,regardless of how long a couple dated they should end the relationship if they know they aren’t the right fit for each other. He has dated this woman for 6 years and knew he shouldn’t have married her but yet because of social pressure did it anyway. Who in their right minds would think this is a good start to a marriage.
      This couple has too much bottle up rage and anger towards each other because they both regret their decision. That’s why they are fighting and hitting each other. Your ideas about love and marriage are far from reality. You think two people are hitting each other, arguing everyday and even regret marrying each each other to begin with just need to work hard and they will love each other again? Divorce is not the end of the world and they have no children. They both need to leave this marriage before they kill each other

      Like

    • I have witnessed
      1. my mother’s death.
      2. my father’s death

      If my husband raised his hand on me and expected me to dutifully submit myself as a doormat to his parents who intruded into my home for a month at a time, he’d find his stuff on the lawn and the locks changed.

      Trauma or not, it would be worth it to me to lose that kind of baggage.

      Liked by 2 people

      • I’m sorry for your loss and thank you for your comment.

        This was what made me really angry about his “advice”. How dare someone compare a divorce to a parent’s death.

        Like

    • Ehm… who exactly financed the study claiming divorce is the worst trauma ever? The Catholic Right Wing Association Against Divorce? My parents are divorced, and the biggest trauma I endured was me, my mother and my baby brother locking ourselves up in the kitchen to get out of the way of my drunk father who threw bottles after us. And yet to this day my father tells the fairy tale of my mother being the love of his life. Bullshit! Love doesn’t mean taking your frustrations out on your life partner. Anyone who claims that divorce is worse than enduring domestic abuse needs a serious dose of reality!

      Liked by 4 people

    • Please provide references for the researches you have mentioned with the author’s name, author’s affiliation, journal in which it was published and name of the research paper. IHM’s readers might be very curious to know more about such researches.

      Like

  17. There are so many thumbs downs to strong comments against physical abuse. I just noticed that and it makes me very sad but I am not surprized. That’s the world we live in😦

    Like

  18. Hi – I kinda see your perspective – you were not interested in the marriage to begin with and since you feel your spouse forced you into it, you feel that the onus is upon her to “adjust” to suit you and your family. It sounds all logical, but considering that you did agree to the marriage (if you thought marrying her was SUCH a burden, you could have stood up and walked away from the relationship, no matter how hard it was for you. You HAD a choice and you picked the easier one), do you also not have a responsibility to try to make the marriage work? Put yourself in her shoes – would YOU be willing to bend to other people’s wishes any time a conflict arises because you love your spouse (or told your spouse that you would do so)? How long will you last before the resentment chases out any love you have for your spouse? Given that your relationship did not start off with both of you on a equal footing, in fact with an “agreement” that your wife will always bow down to your wishes and thus will always be the lesser one – it is not a wonder that it is going down the drain this fast. Agreements are for legal entitites and corporations – you cannot expect a relationship to work when it is treated like a business contract.

    From both your letter it seems like you neither like nor respect one another. So, what is still compelling you both to stay married is what puzzles me. Unless both of you are willing to compromise (the keywords being both of you) and first of all, shun violence or any threat of it, this relationship will not work out. Listen to what your gut and heart says and if it says “get out” do it sooner rather than later. That will lead to lesser regrets in the long run.

    Good luck!

    Like

  19. Indian husband slaps his wife, feels bad,apologizes, expects her to ‘take it light’.
    She does not. He can’t understand why!!!

    Indian wife hits back, when he points it out as abuse,she responds with ‘itna lagta be hai tumhe,tum toh mard ho’ etc and the guy does NOT take it ‘light’.

    Ha-ha haha.

    Like

  20. Revisiting this blog after a long time & catching up… So, late comment as usual.
    I’m just responding to the contents of this letter..
    First, the disagreement on “who will pay for your parents’ keep”. I’m willing to bet that the guy had made the wife to transfer all her salary (and/or stridhan) to his account or to a joint account, and that’s why she got worried about her money being spent on others. Many guys force “traditional” patterns in the family for all things except money. Though the same tradition says that the man must be the provider (except for dowry.. uhh..), these tradition-holders have absolutely no shame in grabbing money from their wives & taking control of her earnings. And then they spend it as per their dictates. Had he let her have all her salary to herself as a nest-egg, she wouldn’t have any insecurities, and wouldn’t have even bothered how much is being spent on her in-laws.
    Then, coming to “respect”, I think other readers have explained it better.
    Then, physical abuse: She should have walked out after the first slap but that never happens practically (including my case:( ). I find it bewildering that she hit back! Victims usually freeze out of fear and/or shock. Whatever.. if this is the case, it is very bad (though I can say that the force/impact of a woman’s hand will still be less than that of a man’s hand that naturally has more strength, muscle mass & bone density.. but still, even that is not good). The guy also has to quit & split (after returning all of her dowry/stridhan and everything, of course)

    Like

  21. I don’t understand why these two idiots having so hatred for each other got married .Such couples are worse than fighters cocks.😤 Get them to counselor as some kind of counseling is required.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s