“Reading all the comments jerked me up. Really. It was like a bang! And the mind fog moved slightly…”

Sharing an update from Not a good wife. 

Dear IHM,

I have been wanting to write to you for a long time. Every time I started writing, I stopped myself thinking I will contact you only when I am ready to share the news with you that am completely out of the difficult phase I was in 3-4 years back.

I don’t know if you remember me but I had written to you in 2012,
An email: He says what am I expecting out of this marriage if I cant even make him happy.

Writing to you was one of the most sensible thing that I had done then. It gave me such a large access to different thoughts, perceptions and advice of so many people. A majority of them even helped me understand that I was actually not weird in feeling certain things. When I wrote to you that time, I was in a terrible haze, it was as though a fog had enveloped my brain and was simply refusing to fade away. I was too engrossed in dealing with everyday issues that I had forgotten who I was, who I wanted to be. I had grown so different from what I had imagined myself to be and I was hating myself for not having the courage to stand up for what I believed in.

And then I wrote to you.

Reading all the people’s comments jerked me up like anything. Really. It was like a bang! And the mind fog moved slightly to let small whips of fresh air to come in.

In the days after that, I was determined to be assertive. I stood my ground on 2-3 occasions. I also made a major decision, call it the most risky thing ever, but i left my job and tried to give my marriage another chance. I was more clear-headed though I knew what I wanted.. and I realised it was not working out.

I am glad I realised that I cannot really pinpoint to one reason, could be the age gap, could be control issues, could be different wants, could be sexual issues, could be ego, could be stubbornness, could be anything for all I cared. I realised in the end it really didn’t matter to me, all I knew was that I wasn’t me… and if I continue like that I am the loser.

I took necessary steps and am now on the brink of getting a divorce. I wouldn’t say life was smooth soon after that. There have been occasions where I thought I was wrong, where I have questioned myself what I was doing… however, the bouts of indecisiveness was always removed by the various incidents that followed suit.

I would say it took almost a year and half for the fog to be lifted from my mind. There is no better word for the ‘haziness’ I used to feel. I was like a zombie. If I think of it now some of the things I used to do makes me feel ashamed of myself. I used to actually keep a notepad and write down the tasks he used to mention casually, lest I forget it… coz if I forgot, it always ended in tantrums, concluding I didn’t love him enough because I forget his needs and wants. Once he complained that there are many mosquitoes in the night, and he called me the next day while I was at office to shout at me that he couldn’t sleep in the morning because of too many mosquitoes and that I hadn’t remembered to buy the mosquito all out liquid before I left for office the next day. These may be small incidents but all these incidents make my blood boil when I think of them. How I used to actually believe that I was not a good wife!

But now I am glad am out of it. I have come out of that. I joined work again. I am doing quite well in that. My life is so much better now. I am actually laughing and smiling without fear that I will be shown my place because of something I didn’t do or some task I missed out doing. I came out at the right time I think.

And I thank God, my family and You and your readers for that!

I still have few more months till it becomes legal. I have always wanted to share this with you after it was all over but today when I saw my post in the related post section, it brought back all the memories and I knew I had to connect with you.

Having gone through a phase of difficult life, it has now made me appreciate the freedom I have. The freedom to think. The freedom of my mind to have ‘thoughts’ that are ‘My thoughts’. And it makes such a huge difference!

Thank you once again and I shall write to you again when everything is sorted out once for all.

Regards,

From No More ‘Not a good wife’

Related Posts:

The moment to walk out of a relationship by Simbly Bored

Not Perfect Enough for Mr Perfect?

Some assertive ways to deal with manipulation. – by BB-Dlite

To an Anonymous DIL

Recognizing Emotional Abuse – by Priya

When she says she no longer wishes to stay with him, why isn’t her word enough?

Are Happily Married Daughters a status symbol in India?

Feminism has gone to women’s head. Divorce has become like selling onions.

When a daughter refuses to go back.

Remember the Anonymous Confused Wife?

An email: “But my parents, fearing the society and their reputation begged him to take me back.”

18 thoughts on ““Reading all the comments jerked me up. Really. It was like a bang! And the mind fog moved slightly…”

  1. Lol..well, you were never “not a good wife”. You are just you. Just today I’m labeled as a “bad” daughter because I didn’t call India to see how my parents (just came back) were doing EVERY DAY despite my brother and I calling them there once a week !! (so it’s not like we NEVER call) I hope it’s a lie that my cousin questioned whether we have affection for parents just because we don’t call EVERY DAY. On top of that, I’m not a proper Indian girl, or malayalee in that fact. I made lunch for my parents when they came back..and I was told there was not enough salt on the fish. Nodded and took consideration to add a bit more salt into it and today got a slamming.

    Forget getting married, it’s not even worth the trouble now since I’m sure we all know getting married in India will entail. If there’s no room for equal respect and also to flourish..then screw it. Especially with one side of the family with a thick heads and never get the message.

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  2. Yay! Such nice news this morning. LW, congratulations on your progress over the years, and kudos for taking action to make your life better! IHM, one more happy story with some credit to your and all the awesome commentors in this little community here.❤

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  3. I remember I had read your post back then, and now to read something like this, is really heartening. Its so good to see the positive effects that opinions can make.

    Wishing you a new start and a wonderful life ahead.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Dear LW,

    I went back to your email to refresh my memory and I remember thinking that this is such a typical Indian man. I know someone closely who spend 35 years in such a marriage and was free from this abuse only when the husband died. I know it sounds bad but I had told this woman’s sister that it is unfortunate that he had to die so that she could live. This is such an inhuman comment to make but that is exactly how their story was. She also had to remember little things and perform all tasks according to his wishes, even those concerning herself. After having spent 35 years in that abusive environment, she is still fearful about others judging her, scolding her, criticising her for her mistakes. I believe it will take her time to understand that mistakes are acceptable and that no one should be allowed to control her life and happiness. Reading your email has made me so happy – happy that another life will not be spent in such an abusive environment and that women today are more open to such decisions.

    Thanks for the update.

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    • “She also had to remember little things.”
      The little things are the worst. I remember seeing an abusive marriage where my aunt had to remember to hand her husband his wallet every morning before he left to work. If she forgot, there would be war in the evening. Sometimes she would get caught up taking care of her kids, and then after he left for work, she would be a nervous wreck all day for forgetting this “assigned task”. The “little things” are the worst because they are meant to erode dignity – and they do.

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    • Wonderful ! Glad to know you are out of that toxic house and toxic relationship.
      Now live your life and if you want to re-marry, please go on dates as many times as you can before tying the knot again.

      Hope you have wonderful and beautiful life ahead🙂

      Love
      FS

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    • This is awesome LW! It’s nice to see follow up – it gives hope to others still struggling. You’ve shown yourself and others that it IS possible to walk out of an unhappy situation and define life on your own terms. Kudos.

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  5. Has anyone read the comments on that thread? If we read the same post today, I think the comments would be a lot different. When I read my own posts over the years I can see how my thought process has changed.

    I guess what I’m saying is, as much as we help people here, I think we get so much back! I’ve learned so much about people and situations from all the LW’s and comments here. It’s easy for me to just spend 5-10 mins to type out observations or random advice but someone is reading it, thinking about it, and making a life-changing decision based in some tiny part on what I type. That is a huge deal! I can’t imagine I would ever have the courage to attempt such a bit change or even write so openly to an internet forum. So, I think all the LW’s here deserve kudos for this.

    I wish more LW’s would come back with their positive stories, it would help so many others who might be hesitant to take that last step towards change. I know it inspires me a lot!

    ps: thanks IHM for linking my post.

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  6. There are not many reasons to live in a abusive relationship ! Good that you have managed to break free ! All my interactions with indian men up till this day has showed me only one thing – they are inherently selfish ! Indian men rarely understand women and their problems and they are not nurturing ! They expect all babying and nurturing from women ! That’s a huge problem here !
    So,when a woman demands/wants/expects nurturing from men she receives none ! And she is expected to give all ! That’s shitload of work most women are doing day in and out which is affecting our health and minds !
    When will men understand women ? Probably never !
    So,the first thing to ever learn as woman is to say ‘no’,nurture only that much and take care of themselves physically and mentally first !

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    • Men will understand when their mothers change. My own husband is the elder of two sons and had no idea about women, their feelings and their unique problems until we started dating and I sent him on his first solo sanitary pad shopping trip. He says he didn’t know because his mother never told. He says that now that he thinks about it, he remembers times of the month when his mom would be crazy tired and unable to get out of bed but she never demanded help from her boys or her husband. It’s only after we married and I started putting my foot down about things has she started taking care of herself. My future sister in law thanks me for being very open about stuff with my brother in law because he’s very cool with being told “I have my period and am crampy, can you make me tea?”🙂

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    • I think it’s also partly women’s fault.

      We expect SO little from men. Like this LW, we patiently put up with humongous amounts of @$/, feel inadequate as wives and DILs and perennially feel guilty for being just human, and not perfect, self-sacrificing godesses like Sita and Tulsi from teevee.

      Men will change the day hordes of women stop putting up with crap in the name of “culture”, “traditions” and “duty”.

      Don’t settle. Men who actually respect women are out there.

      They are hard to find, they may not be “the complete package”, they may not have stellar academic credentials, but they are the ones who are worth waiting for.

      Most women want to marry a paycheck and professional degrees — a man who can “provide”.

      When this “provider” turns around and treats us badly, we wonder what we did wrong. Don’t lose hope…don’t settle.🙂

      Like

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