“My husband would tell me to stay with my in laws for some more time and that he didn’t want any discussions.”

Here is a heart breaking example of how Patriarchy enables abuse.

What made it possible for this husband to demand that the wife lives with his parents and helps them with their business – against her wishes? How common are such expectations? 

What do you think should the email writer do?

Also – shouldn’t there be legal assurance of financial support for every child, whether or not the parents live together? 


I am sharing my story here. I am really distressed and I wish you could post my story in your blog.

so here it is..

So I stay with my husband in South India and my in laws ( ILs) stay in Haryana. When I was pregnant, my husband forced me to stay with ILs. I was treated very badly by them, specially by my MIL. They were never very nice to me in the past, but I never, in my worst dreams, imagined the things I had to go through. I used to tell my husband everything on phone and he would just say that he’d talk to his parents and that I should also adjust. I cried/ pleaded/begged him lots of times to let me come back to him but he was like a stone. He told me once that if I only complain all the time then he would stop calling me or picking up my calls.

He promised me that when the baby is 2-3 months old I’d move back with him. But he betrayed me even then. He is doing a course which is 3 years long. Now he asked me to stay with ILs for all these years. For the sake of baby’s care and that his father needed me for family business.

All these plans and decisions were taken after discussions between my husband and my fil. I wasn’t even asked. Only when I used to ask if I could come back he would tell me to stay for some more time and that he didn’t want any discussions. Finally one evening my ILs crossed the line and my patience ran off. I couldn’t take their constant abuse so I left and went to my parents’ place in Delhi. My husband told me that this meant separation. that now I can never come back to him. I said okay. I was prepared. although I messaged him after a week or so asking if we could find a middle way.. that I would never live with his parents but may be we can live in the same building on different floors… and that he also has some responsibility towards his own 3 month old son and wife, his reply was cold and he just said that he wished I knew what I was doing while leaving his parents’ house.

We didn’t speak for one month. And I was taking all this very well. After a month he started calling. Then he and his family came to get me back and apologised.

As a fool I agreed but asked him to make a few promises. He made me resign from the job I had got in Delhi without even serving the notice period as he said that he had suffered a lot in the previous one month and now he can’t even stay away from me for one more day.

We came back to South India and started living normally. However his behaviour started changing again. He started breaking all the promises that he made. He again started taking me and my feelings for granted.

His family again started interfering and bothering us by complaining on small silly things. By bad mouthing me about me to him on phone and making issues about every small thing.

After 3 months we went back to ILs place for some function. I was again treated very badly by my MIL and just one night before we were supposed to come back my FIL said that all the things that they said when they came to get me back and their apologies etc was all a drama. They didn’t mean a thing. It was all just to get me back. and that now I should apologise for doing this bad deed of leaving the family. My husband was there when all this was going on and his dad kept on abusing me. How I wasn’t brought up properly and I had no values or I don’t know the way to be a good dil. etc etc.

I went into depression and had to take therapy after coming back. That too without letting my husband know.

Now I have developed serious trust issues with my husband. We are supposed to go back to stay with ILs coz of family business after 2 years and I feel my husband is again going to throw me under the bus when the time comes. I am scared to go back to that place. I have been harassed there very badly. Everyone gets on one side and attack me. That’s the kind of emotional abuse that I just have no tolerance for anymore. And I used to be very strong before.

I don’t know what to do.

Should I leave him right now?

Should I wait for 2 years and see what happens.. In this case my baby will become emotionally attached to his father and it’ll be difficult for me to separate them then. Also, I’ll have no savings of my own as I am spending every penny of what I am earning right now on us. My husband is still studying and it’ll be another betrayal..  I am not sure how I’ll take it then.

How foolish is it to trust a person who has always betrayed me?
He gets emotional about our relation only when he wants to. The times when I need him he is always cold and unavailable.

I feel lonely most of the time even in his presence. He hardly ever wants to spend time with me. He calls someone or the other everytime he is free.
We have a very sad sex life and I know for sure that he watches porn to satisfy himself.

He never helps out with the baby. only plays with him for sometime but doesn’t help me out for anything.
He is extremely selfish.
He says he loves me but it doesn’t show in his actions.
Should I consider divorce? Are all men like this? Are my expectations too high if I want a partner who truly is a partner and not just a person living with you without any real feelings?

I want to live my life happily. Is it possible with this person? We had a love marriage and now I can’t find the person I loved. it was all fake.

Related email:

An email: “My in laws want me to stay here with them while my husband works in another city.”

Other related posts:

Marriages are sold to Indian women in a glossy cover…?

A detailed check list of conditions from modern young women of marriageable age.

Indian women and their Easy Wealth.

‘Last month, my sister’s husband picked a fight with her as he felt she was not doing enough for his parents.’

“I thought it would indeed be wonderful to live with my in-laws.”

“I will never live in a joint family, it has its roots in patriarchy and benefits only men.”


76 thoughts on ““My husband would tell me to stay with my in laws for some more time and that he didn’t want any discussions.”

  1. I think he’s just using you for his own selfish desires. He easily tricked you into thinking he will take care of you and love you like a husband, only to trap you. Same with the in laws. Simple solution: Walk out or stay away until everyone learns to behave themselves and respect you for who you are. There’s no sense in staying in a marriage where abuse, control, manipulation is ok and there is lack of mutual understanding and respect for both partners. It’s not healthy for the baby either to surround and grow up in that kind of environment. He’ll probably be emotionally damaged as well and we don’t want that.


    • You are right. He has a nature of using people. not just me. He uses everyone around him. The thing that I was too ashamed of mentioning was thst he also abuses me physically. hitting, slapping, throwing on the bed, dragging on the floor had become a common thing. And when I threatened him once of making a police complaint, his mom and dad tortured me by making me feel guilty about thinking of putting my own husband in jail. I had to apologise to them for saying such a thing.
      Thanks for your reply. sometimes we know what is right but our judgement gets clouded by our emotions.
      I have decided to leave this relationship.

      Liked by 3 people

      • Dear LW,

        After reading this bit that you hadn’t mentioned earlier, I would suggest you to step out of this marriage at the earliest. You are qualified so you will find a job. Planning is required in terms of finance, childcare, safety, legal steps and most importantly emotional adjustment. Once they realize that you have taken this step, they will try all means to get you back. Emotional blackmail, accusations, character assassination, threatening the safety of you and your child may be expected. Not giving in to those pressures is one of the things you have to prepared for.

        Best wishes for a happy future. You are a strong woman, but there are many others in your position who are suffering silently. I am sure your email and this discussion will benefit them.


      • Hi LW,

        You have taken right decision. It may seem tough but its the most respectful decision you have taken for yourself and your child. You haven’t put good role model for your child but also for other woman around you who want to get out of abusive situation but don’t know anybody who have done so. You said you are doctor. By this decision you are putting right use of your education I.e earning self respect and confidence. Education is more than making money, its about living respectful and dignified life. Don’t worry you will soon get on your feet.
        I will pray for you and your child.


      • My dear, you have an air tight case. File a criminal complaint under section 498 A for mental and physical abuse.

        Throw him and his parents in jail and watch their “akad” disappear and turn into craven cowardice.

        They are terrible, rotten human beings who deserve no consideration of any kind.

        The law was framed to deter violence against women, and protect women like you. For God’s sake, use it.

        If possible, document and photograph your injuries, record any instance of physical violence on the phone and use it as evidence during divorce.

        Leave this nasty apology of a human being. I get the feeling that he is an undiagnosed narcissist.

        Ask your therapist about NPD. Approach the women’s commission in your state for help.

        Please, please leave him before he destroys you completely.


  2. “I want to live my life happily. Is it possible with this person?”

    LW, Your husband has repeatedly and unhesitatingly put you at risk and extreme pain for his own benefit. That is not love. That is callous, selfish, and abusive.

    The fact that you are still there is an indication of how ruthlessly our culture enforces the requirement that women make their marriages work at any cost.

    But, I’m glad you are asking, writing about this, questioning. Please leave before further emotional (and possibly physical) damage is done to you and your child. Do you have supports? Talk to your parents and tell them you need their support, at least temporarily, until you can get back on your feet. Look for another job. Having a job and finding childcare are the 2 main practical considerations. If you can get those going, you will be happy by separating yourself from this toxic environment. Continue with the counseling to keep your mind clear and focused.

    Find your inner strength. Think of yourself before you met him. You were happy. You had a job. You were capable. You can do it again. Lots of love and hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Your husband’s drama about not being able to live without you and suffering without you for a month is exactly that. He misses having someone to walk on, someone to do all his jobs for him. How come he never missed you or suffered without you when he sent you to his parents for days on end?

    It is very evident that he has no value for you as an individual, as a thinking person in your own right. You are his wife, his family’s possession to be there to slog for them and for all of them to walk over.

    He is still doing a course and you are earning and still he dares to treat you like this. Imagine what the situation will be when he finishes his course and starts earning. Will he allow you to work? Even if he does, will you have any autonomy over your earnings?

    A marriage is basically founded on mutual love, affection, respect and mainly on trust. If you have such serious trust issues, how are you going to continue in this marriage for long? Probably time for you to rethink this marriage. In your place, I would not have second thoughts about leaving him high and dry when he needs me for all that he did to me.


  4. “How foolish is it to trust a person who has always betrayed me?”
    It is very foolish.
    When some shows you who they really are, BELIEVE THEM.
    Unless you want your child to also be turned against you, stay away from your husband & in laws.


  5. Deal LW, you know the answer to your question, don’t you? I think you came to this forum for validation, and hey, good for you, you will get a lot of it here.


    Don’t trust your husband!!

    As I see it, your main problem is now to make sure they don’t pester you to come back again, to make sure that you won’t ever be taken in by your husband’s sweet words again after you leave. So I’ll tell you what you should do: after you leave, tell your inlaws and your husband that you are sleeping with another man. They will probably never bother you again beyond yelling at you and your parents once. Problem solved!

    It is important to burn your bridges, because in most cases of abuse, it is YOU who will be your own worst enemy, trusting abusers even when you rationally know it is not a good idea. So, for your own sake, make sure that you don’t leave yourself a way to go back to them. Make them hate you. This is your best defence.


    • I agree. They will make you the bad guy no matter what, so embrace that role. Don’t lie about sleeping with someone if you don’t have to.

      Tell him the truth. Tell him you don’t want to go back to the ILs place ‘cos they hate you and you don’t like them either. Tell him you don’t like him either and don’t think you ever will. That you will never like or want to live with abusers, him included.

      That’s good enough reason to leave someone – that you don’t love them any more. Does that make you a bad person? Oh well, they can deal with it, connections or not. They may badmouth you to everyone, but they are probably doing it already.


  6. Please continue to ask yourself the tough questions. It’s scary but it’s so important that we know ourselves, our priorities, our limits, and our lines. Only when we know can we act. The answer to your questions seems obvious right now but you owe it to yourself and your little one to think through all your motivations. Because no matter what we decide, we all have our dark moments. At those times when we second guess our choices, it’s good to know why we made the choices we made. It helps us keep going.

    Here is a very subjective post and you might disagree with everything I’ve written but I hope it will help you in some way: http://www.simblybored.com/2015/05/the-moment-to-walk-out-of-a-relationship/


  7. All men are not like this at all, neither are all in-laws! Please leave this person. He is never going to change and has no intention of changing. You literally have nothing to gain by saying with him. No emotional happiness, no financial support, nothing but harassment. You can earn for yourself and your kid so leave now for both your sakes! Seriously, just get on a flight to Delhi and consult a lawyer. Go now!


  8. Dear letter writer,

    I feel for you. I am related to selfish, manipulative people like your husband and I know how much you want to believe that this time it will be different, that this time he really means it and that all will be well again. But deep inside you know the answer, and the answer hurts like hell. You know he is only paying lip-service to you and that he is only interested in getting his slave back. Please don’t fall for it again. This man and his family will ruin your life and destroy your soul without even thinking twice. What you need now is a plan how to get away. Do you have friends or family members who will take you in until you can stand on your own feet again? Can you find a job and daycare or a babysitter? Can you get a lawyer to file for a divorce?

    I know how hard it is to break with someone you used to love. You keep thinking that not all was bad and that there must be something left of the loving person you used to know. Unfortunately he obviously does not think you are worth to be shown the loving, caring side. What he and his family have done to you is unforgivable and they don’t even feel remorse. This is NOT how you treat a human being, let alone someone you claim to love. It is only going to get worse and your child will grow up in a toxic environment and regard it as normal behaviour of a husband towards his wife. Please, for your and your baby’s sake, leave. Your husband does not help you with the baby anyway, so you are basically already a single mum. You will lose nothing but your marital status – which is no big deal, no matter what people say – and you will win your freedom and your self-esteem again. Right now you are confused and feel helpless because of the abuse heaped on you. Once you have broken free, you will realize how strong you really are and that you are anything but helpless. All the best to you!


  9. This is abuse plain and simple. Please leave this marraige because the longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave and you will be broken even more. Go to your parents for support and look for a new job.

    Should I consider divorce? Yes

    Are all men like this? No

    Are my expectations too high if I want a partner who truly is a partner and not just a person living with you without any real feelings? Not at all. It is because women have been taught to set their expectations so low that such abuse can continue.

    I want to live my life happily. Is it possible with this person? No, clearly not at this moment.

    Please leave him, document incidents of abuse, refuse to stay with his parents change your phone number, delete him from social networks like FB, block his email. Stop allowing him to contact you or you will again be dragged into a whirlpool of drama.


  10. Dear LW,

    Sometimes we think if we would bend a little, others would be pleased and thus the situation would be peaceful for us. But there are people who will not be pleased no matter how much you bend. Also these people seem to be the kind who believe that you should do all the adjustment at any cost. If you try to communicate your feelings to such people, it will feel like you are talking one language and they are hearing another and then they will try to use your own words against you. I have been in a similar situation (in relationships with elders in the family, with a friend as well as a romantic partner) where I was manipulated, abused and betrayed. So I know that if we let some people exist in your lives, we do that at the cost of our dignity. Constantly being judged, abused to the extent that you begin to fear for your life (either real or imagined but there are reasons for the fear nonetheless) results in destroying the self esteem and dignity to such an extent that it takes years to heal. We avoid ending these relationships due to various reasons not realising that things are not going to get better because the people involved have already set a pattern for how they will treat each other; and the abusers will not break this cycle because they are benefitting from the situation.

    Having gone through your email, I understand that you have tried “adjusting” to the situation in every way possible. Nothing is more precious than our own life and own happiness. Your current environment is not healthy for you or your child. Beginning afresh is a challenge no doubt but there is also ample hope that you will be able to create a healthy environment for the two of you because your life will be in your control to a greater extent. Do you see a healthy future if you continue in this manner? The questions in last part of your email seem to have all the answers. You have been able to analyze the situation in a logical manner.

    If and when you decide to leave:
    1. It would be good to take that step at the earliest to prevent worse from happening. You have mentioned that you have no savings. Are there people from whom you can borrow money for now? You haven’t mentioned anything about your parents, siblings, friends involvement in this situation. Can you have their support – monetary, emotional until the time you are able to take care of things independently? You could start by putting aside some amount of money in a recurring deposit every month.

    2. Before you announce your decision to leave (if and when you do), I suggest that you write down the reasons for your decision point by point. It will be helpful when you talk to your husband about this finally.

    3. Lastly, many people find themselves locked in situations with abusers such as these. We are afraid to set ourselves free because we fear change. But life is after all, all about change. Once we accept that, we will take that step towards the change, sometimes inspite of fear. And fear is not always bad. A little amount of fear helps us to prepare better.

    Good luck. Life is full of immense possibilities; lets look ahead.


  11. Yes, I think you should leave. You are entitled to be peaceful and happy, and your child too. Children learn by example.

    To answer IHM’s question, even in countries where divorced men are forced by courts to pay children alimony, well…about 50% men don’t pay the alimony…


  12. I think you already have answers which are staring in your face! We tend to sometimes ignore the right answers in the hope things will change !
    Sometimes things change for worse and not for good !
    Your husband does not love you no matter what he says ! This is not love !
    Since there is no love that eliminates one reason to live with him !
    Similarly, his actions show how selfish and disrespectful he is of your feelings ! So,those reasons are also out of the window !
    Next is money ! Many people get married for money and comforts it can buy! I know a couple old ladies who remarried for comfort and money !
    Do you plan to work hard and earn money for yourself and the child? If yes,then move out,take help of parents and start working ! You can also apply for divorce and see where it goes !
    The main thing is after so much stress,disrespect do you want to live with this person – well for whatever reasons ?
    While you separate and divorce life will no longer be bed of roses for you ! Even if parents are extremely supportive ! Prepare for the long haul and tensions and responsibilities !


  13. Thanks everyone for their advice and support.
    ur feels really horrible to be in this situation. In these past 4 years I did all that i could to save this relation and change my husband’ s selfish and cruel behaviour by love, patience, tacts ( from various advices; but was never good at them). mostly I kept changing myself so he would complain less and appreciate more but that could never happen. In the process I lost my self esteem, confidence, my energy and enthusiasm, and was slowly becoming a negative and bitter person. But thanks to the people in my life I realised that it’s not worth it. The first time I got the courage to stand up for myself was because of my child, can’t specify how but when I look at him n hug him I feel strong.
    Any ways.. so I have decided to end this misery and walk out of this hell.
    I am a 29 years old woman, mother of a 9 month old cute boy. I am a doctor and I am confident and mature. I have no doubt I’ll have a better life now. Please keep me in your prayers and well wishes. Thanks a lot.
    love to each one of you!

    Liked by 7 people

    • You go girl. Wishing you strength and courage. As a doctor, you have an invaluable skill, that can be used anywhere. So, get back on the professional track, identify support systems – emotionally ( someone to hear you out), logistically ( day care/ child care), monetary ( a loan to help you get back up and settle yourself independently?) and a good divorce lawyer. If you are in the south it might be worth considering filing the papers here, so your in laws have less scope for meddling. Sounds like your husband wanted a housekeeper, ATM and social acceptance.

      Yes to divorce. Really, it’s just a legal thing. The relationship ended a long time before this.

      No, all men are not like this.

      Yes, if you want, you will find someone who will treat you like a partner, and a loving friend.


    • Most of the times we get the strenght to fight for others, if not for ourselves. Your son is giving you this strength. Unfortunately your husband seems unable to understand and change. You will go through a lot by divorcing him, but you will be true to yourself, and you will have a chance to raise a boy who respects women. Be proud of yourself! Big hugs.

      Liked by 1 person

    • It’s nice to know that the responses here helped you make up your mind. Here’s wishing you all the best… it’ll be tough few years until the divorce comes through, but you’ve already begun your journey towards a better life! Hugs.


    • All the best, LW. I sense an amazing amount of strength in your letter – you are a doctor afterall, one with the power to save lives! Live your life, raise your son to be a good person. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.


    • Dear LW,

      Wish you all the very best! It will be a hard journey from where you are to when you can get out and live your life – but do keep at it. Whenever you have doubts and whenever well-meaning people ask you to reconsider and “adjust”, please remember that you have had no positive memories from this marriage. In fact, the experience has been so terrible that you doubt that _anyone_ can be happily married (go back and read your letter – I could not see a single reason why you should even TRY to stay). What is happening in your marriage is not normal by any stretch of the word – you deserve much, much, much better than this.

      You are young and a bright future awaits you and your little boy. Your leaving your husband is the first step towards it. Take care and good luck. You can do it and you will. Cheers!


  14. Dear LW,

    You have unknowingly answered your doubts and the solution to your problem lies hidden in your letter.
    Here, let me explain.
    For one entire month, you were not speaking to him. You mentioned that you were taking it very well.
    Ask yourself why.
    Here is the answer : You were simply at peace. Minus him in your life. You were with your parents and your baby. Among people who loved you and with people you loved.

    All the best closing this chapter and starting life afresh, with lessons learned.


  15. I have said this before and I will say this again – Run, Lola Run! That should say it all. However difficult it may seem at the moment, it is your only option. If you’re looking for transformation, I don’t think it’s coming. If you don’t believe it, read this blog space all over again. Go through each and every post. That should tell you something. The only other thing you could possibly do is to negotiate with this family and negotiate hard about the life you want, the life you must have… or else. I doubt they will acquiesce. I doubt they will do so peaceably. I doubt they will answer your call to renegotiate your relationship when they know it will mean adjustments they will have to make. You could try, though. As a last resort. If you are in need for some time and good mindspace, let me suggest a book – The Four Arguments. See if this is the kind of way you’d try to sort things out with yourself. It works for me. All the best. Love yourself more than anyone/thing else. Because only you can do such a thing for yourself! Not another soul on this earth has the potential to do so. It’s your first and foremost duty. peace!

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Dear Letter writer

    I know you know the answer. so would not say what has been said and discussed already. Just want you to evaluate options and check your readiness:

    – Move out immediately. Not a day longer

    – If there is any stuff that your family gave to you or in laws – ensure that you get hold of that. say jewellery, any other stuff etc.

    – You must start working again, not just that will make you independent. Also, you will have expenses owing to child care,personal expense (housing, day care for child etc).

    – you must contact an NGO and a good divorce lawyer. not just divorce, custody is going to be equally important.

    – continue counselling, that’s a good step you had initiated- trust me you will have sea of emotions when you start with this difficult journey of separation and more than physical you will be subjected to emotional abuse.

    – find out if the following recommendation will have any impact on your case

    – you definitely have to build a case for custody- your in laws will not want to lose child. In all probability want of grandson was the reason why they wanted you to be back.

    you need strength and will power to go through this. For next few years before taking every step you need to evaluate if that step is taking you forward or backward. You owe this to yourself and your child.

    Wish you strength!


  17. hi everyone. so i told my husband yesterday that we should take a break and he willingly agreed. This was all over the phone as he was on duty (36 hours). he also agreed to move out for atleast a month, the time of my notice period. we agreed that he’ll take his important stuff with him after informing me so that i can move out at that time and we don’t cross paths.
    however, he completely ignored all these things and came home from work and went into the other room. He spoke very rudely with me and used abuses also unnecessarily. When I reminded him that we had talked about being civil, he abused me even more.
    Right now i am in the other room with my baby but I am really scared to go out as he has a history of being violent. I am just hoping that the night is uneventful and he goes back on his duty again tomorrow.
    I’ll think of what is to be done for the next time he comes home. he has 36 hours duty from tomorrow morning also.(thankfully)

    I became somewhat emotional a few times today but didn’t call or msg him (i used to do that before, to try to make him understand).. Now i am realizing how important it was to not give in . This is his true picture and I am so glad that I could make up my mind.
    Its going to be challenging for a few months atleast, but I am prepared.

    Any advice on planning the walk out or dealing with this..is most welcome..
    Thanks! and again.. I request all of you to keep me and my baby in your prayers!


    • Gosh, it’s difficult. And risky. But you’ll get through this. One day at a time. You’re brave… stay that way. Remember that peace and happiness that you are aiming at. We’re rooting for you.


    • You’ll need allies. I say this because you say your husband has a history of violence and you’re in his home with a baby. Get some friends or family to come over and back you up when you attempt to leave. If at all possible, leave when he’s not around and turn off your cellphone so he cannot attempt to contact you.


  18. Thanks everyone for your advise and support

    I want to share what has happened since yesterday.
    So yesterday i tols my husband that i want to get separated. he willingly agreed and we decided that he will move out of the house for atleast a month so I can give my resignation and complete the notice period. we decided to remain civil and not cross eo’s paths. That he would come home and take his important stuff when I am not at home.
    However, he completely ignored all of these decisions and came home today evening after his 36 hour shift, and took the other room. I didn’t say anything. frankly, i was afraid as he becomes violent and abusive in these circumstances.
    anyway, so a few times when we had to face each other, he was very abusive to me. Once he even pushed me unnecessarily, he used really bad abusive words and tried to intimidate me. When a friend couple had come to meet us in the evening, he was being extra nice to the girl and was indirectly trying to make me feel bad and small compared to her. However, i knew his tactics and this time, it really amused me instead of making me feel bad.
    although his temper really scared me. Even right now I am sitting in my room with baby and I have locked it from inside. I am really scared that if I go out even to have my food or something, he’ll use it to pick a fight with me and will get really violent. He has done it in the past. Almost everytime.
    I am just hoping that the night is uneventful and then tomorrow again he’ll go for another 36 hours shift. I’ll figure out then what is to be done.

    If anyone has any advise or experience on the planning to walk out safely and how to deal with such break ups, please share.
    Thanks! and again.. plz keep me and my baby in your prayers.
    Love to all!


      • LW

        Some people feed on other’s weakness. Sometimes he is cold and sometimes he gets emotional clearly shows that he is not serious about his marital commitment and doesn’t care whether you are happy or not. If he had cared for your happiness, then he would have done something about it, especially when he is a father now and you both have a kid. Either he is totally manipulated by his parents, or he is simply not interested in this marriage.
        You have to be strong here. You ll have to tell him that he can not take you and his kid for granted and needs to look after you. When he is not in house, collect all your stuff, all important papers and leave the house. Keep the number of closest police station in recently dialed list always. If he follows you or tries to harm you, dial that number or run to police station.
        You have whole life in front of you, just think do you really want all this crap to happen all your life? Dont let anyone mess up your life, no matter who the person is.


    • First call a friend, someone you can trust, tell him/.her whats happening and if possible have them come to your place in the morning. File a complaint . let your husband know in presence of friends and police that violence and abuse will not be tolerated.
      Stay safe. its more important that anythng else right now.
      Have him move out int heir presence as soon as his shift finishes, no excuses.
      change the lock.

      till you are safe and feel safe nothing further can happen. you need to feel safe before doing anything else, especially with a small child around.
      You have taken the decision, good awesome but now be careful, not everyone react well to being dumped, even if they deserve it.
      if possible have your parents / friend or someone come stay with you for a month till your notice period is served.
      be safe .


    • Dear LW,

      Since you have already made up your mind about leaving and you have such strong reasons to feel this way about his violent behavior, then please move out without much delay. Perhaps in the next 36 hours, before he is back.

      1. The following things are extremely important when you pack your bags:
      Your passport and/or other ID cards, academic marksheets and certificates, professional/job related documents, marriage certificate, baby’s birth certificate, credit cards, ATM cards, cash, laptop, phone.

      2. You can always come back later (next day/next week) to collect the rest of your belongings. Your safety and that of your baby’s is more important than anything else now. If he has been abusive in the past, then there is an increased likelihood of such behavior once he realizes that he is losing control over the situation.

      3. After you have reached your destination/are close to reaching your destination, you could send a curt email informing him that you have left. An sms/ phone call before leaving may not be a good idea as it will give him the chance to carry out a conversation to prevent you from leaving. Also, email proves to be better in terms of record as compared to a verbal conversation over phone even if it has been recorded. Not informing him after leaving will be used against you later to paint you as an evil person.

      Liked by 1 person

    • I was not aware that he was physically abusive. If you are living in a rented house, I would suggest leaving to your parents/friends/relatives (whoever is supportive) house immediately and leaving pronto. I am sure you do not have to serve 1 month notice period when your life is in danger and I am sure your office/colleagues will understand.

      This entire situation seems risky for your and your childs life and you do not know what your husband is plotting.


    • Hello hello LW,

      You can’t have such conversations on the phone. Imagine if you were working a 36 hour shift – would you really be in the right state of mind to listen to something unpleasant? Would you really argue about this?

      You need to be the one to take the step of moving out. The next time he is off, pack all the things you and the kid need, important documents, money + jewellery. Go to your parents’ home if there is no one you can turn to in the current city. Do a tatkal on train or fly.

      Go to the nearest “Health & glow” – buy yourself some pepper spray for self-defense. You can call the police, so don’t lock yourself up in the room. I remember in Hyd when I complained about a pervert the local police station gave me the beat constable’s mobile number to call anytime I was harassed. Just having that on speed dial gave me peace of mind. If you are in Bangalore a hoysala van will come over in no time.



    • Dear LW,

      Please move out immediately. Pack up the most important things like legal documents, cash etc and stay at your parents/friends place.

      Refuse outright to meet your husband. Speaking to him will only add to your trauma. So if he comes and grovels at you wherever you are DO NOT believe him. Abusers feel powerless when the victim moved away . So they will do anything including fake apologizing to get their power back on the victim.

      Block his number and change your passwords on all the social sites. In case he tries to hack your passwords to track you or torment you.

      Do not entertain your in laws. If your parents try to emotionally guilt trip you , please find your own house. please do not let them guilt trip you. You may even find a woman’s shelter if you think finding a house might be hard .

      Please make sure your husband cannot access your bank accounts. Carry your jewelry with you in case you need sometime to support yourself and your son before you find a new job.
      Please do not for a min hesitate to call the police if he abuses you . Document every abuse si that they can be used as legal proofs.if you need someone to speak to, do let us know your city . One of the readers of IHMs blog might be really happy to speak to you in person.
      You deserve a happy life LW. For that you need to cut your ties with your husband completely . You can also consider getting a restraining order if needed.

      I genuinely hope and pray the best for you. Hope thankfully you will be out of this abuse soon. And hope you can lead a normal , happy, cheerful life with your son. Hope you enjoy watching him grow and hope he grows up to be a wonderful human being. All this can happen Only if he grows up in an abuse free environment.

      Hugs and loads of positive wishes for you.


    • Please do not stay another instant in this house. Pushing you down is a bad sign of things to come. You are endangering your and your child’s life. No one can hold you to a 1 month notice period if you are in physical/mortal danger. You mentioned your parents live in Delhi. Move into their home immediately. Book your tickets. Do not engage with him in any conversations/arguments/negotiations until you leave. Leave without telling anyone. Take all your important documents – birth certificate, passport, etc. and leave on the earliest flight/train you can find. Once you reach your parents home:
      – tell your parents your life is in danger and you will need their 100% support (It doesn’t matter if they approve or not, are disappointed or not. They are your parents and it’s their job to stand by you.)
      – file for divorce
      – do not call him or talk to him except in the presence of your lawyer
      – look for a job (should not be a problem as you are a doctor, so you have very specialized skills that are in short supply and high demand)
      – stay in your parents’ home until divorce is complete if possible – so you have someone to support you emotionally and practically
      – once the divorce comes through, you are free to do what you want, where to live, etc.


  19. Not only should you leave, you should document all your injuries and all instances of abuse.

    File a criminal complaint for domestic violence and harrassment under 498 A. It’s not just enough that you leave.

    Do your best to ensure that he never has the guts to torture another woman ever again.

    Such men never learn, so leave and don’t ever look back. I too, thought that my life was over after I divorced my abusive, mama’s boy ex husband.

    It’s the best decision of my life and I have never regretted it.


  20. Hey, after we spoke that day, I went through this post multiple times. Though I already knew how patient and adjusting you were in the relationship, I never realized what all you were going through. I wished you had opened up in our last few meetings but I know you have good reasons for not doing so. It is always difficult to handle these situations. I tried calling you a few times yesterday and now I know why you couldn’t respond.
    After thinking through my advice to you is no different than others. Its just not worth it. And we know it will only get difficult from here if you continue this relationship. I feel the main issue here is the influence of his parents and it will only increase when you (all three of you) move to Haryana and join the family business. If in any way you could avoid it then probably things can look better. But I don’t think that is possible under the current circumstances. The way he and his parents have behaved with you is completely unacceptable. I was brought to tears when you told me about how your FIL ill-treated you. It is sad and shocking to see educated people behave like this in today’s era, that too with a family member. Knowing you guys and having spent some good times, it is heart breaking for me to say that I feel you should separate. It is not worth going through this trauma. Also, how would you trust what is said to you now when they have not kept any promises in the past.
    I would suggest you to seek some legal advice now, especially in relation to the kid’s custody. I personally feel that part will generate a lot of heat.
    What you are doing needs a lot of strength. Not everyone can make this decision and just because you did shows you can handle what’s to come. It’s not going to be easy but it will be worth it. More power to you and love to your little one. Please do let me know if I can help in any way. Call me whenever you get a chance.


    • Hi D and other well-wishers.
      D… I am sorry my phone was unreachable on 2nd. And I am really in tears reading all these messages from u and everyone.. I spoke to you yesterday when H had gone out with friends. So you know till then..

      Well, he came late at around 11:45pm. and I had latched my room from inside. I expected him to just go and sleep in the other room like the previous 2 days. However, he started knocking and I opened the door to find him absolutely drunk. He hugged me and started crying and saying that he loves me and then in his drunk state, lied down on the floor. I felt very bad in that instance for him and very politely and nicely I tried to lift him up and asked him to sit on the bed. But within seconds he became angry and started saying rubbish things like “its ok. no need to show any care. don’t touch me. leave me alone.” etc. so i stepped aside and since the baby had woken up by all this, I went to lift him up. He started looking for his night t-shirt in a very angry way, as in half of his almirah clothes were thrown out and he wasn’t even able to lift them. At this time, I told him to stop and sit and that i’d give him one. I was getting more and more scared by every passing second. He kept saying angrily, “no need. I don’t need anything from u”. I went to the balcony and got him his most comfortable t-shirt and put that on the bed in the other room. He was already there in his search for one. He wore it and then he started throwing stuff. It started with baby’s stuff toys thrown up at the ceiling fan and then he also threw up the table lamp and it fell down and broke into pieces. glass everywhere. and i was standing right there with the baby in my arms.
      Uptil now i was trying to talk to him and calm him down, but after this lamp incident, I rushed into the other room and latched the door from inside. And now he started knocking on the door really angrily. I can’t describe my feelings of horror as I knew he is a heavy man and the latches of our rented apartment are really not strong. He kept saying he wanted the charger and I kept telling him that there is one in the living room and he could take that, and that we could talk in the morning. But he just kept scaring me and ordering me to open the door otherwise it won’t be good for me.
      At the same time his friend called on my cell, the one he had gone out with, to check if he had reached home safely as he was drunk. He heard the door banging and everything over the phone and asked me if he should come. I said yes.
      By this time, out of the two latches of the door, one had broken and now it was only a matter of a minute or two. I rushed to the balcony of the room and called the other friend of his who lives on the upper floor to come asap. Before he could come, the door broke open and he came rushing in the balcony. I had also switched on the voice recorder of my phone after calling these ppl. So, he came into the balcony and started shouting at the top of his voice. Coming really close and trying to hurt me, and scare me. He also kept shouting at the baby who was in my arms crying badly coz of all this.
      and very soon, both of these friends come in. They try to stop him from coming close to me but those two also were not enough to be able to do so. He slapped me, kicked me, threw me down on the floor, snatched my phone and threw it also and broke it completely, and kept coming to do more harm, even while these guys were putting all their strength in trying to stop him.
      I left and went to the house upstairs with the other guy’s wife and my baby. He followed me there. and kept banging the door.
      they had to let him in. he would become calm and say that he just wants to talk to me now, and wont even touch me, and then the moment he came near me, he slapped me again.
      all this while he kept bad mouthing me, abusing me, calling me names, and all the worst category of abuses to me and my family. He kept telling the friend’s wife how she’s such a Goddess as compared to me, and that I am a vamp, a family breaker, a whore and what not. He compared me with his ex-gf who is such a nice person and that I did a sin by breaking them ( the truth being that they broke up just before he started dating me, and he also lied to me saying that they had broken up atleast an year ago).. He kept bad mouthing me for an hour or so. He kept telling them lies after lies. Kept saying I am just a pretty face and inside I am a devil. That i disrespected his poor, elderly parents. That I tortured them. And i bad mouth and disrespect them in front of everyone ( absolutely false)
      He also told them that poor him, he came home and hugged me and told me that he loved me, and I just went and latched the door from inside and left him laying there on the ground.
      That how I am money minded and I just keep asking him for more and more money ( the truth is I am running this house ever since I started working and before that my parents were paying for all my expenses and studies).

      I am devastated. I have never gone through so much mental and physical torture and I never even imagined that he could go so far in insulting me and breaking my spirit. I had devoted my entire life for him (like most women do, nothing special), but this is not what i deserve. he is very intelligent, shrewd and manipulative. I saw his worst face yesterday, and my only provoking factor was that I was not talking to him.
      This relation is over, I know, but I don’t know how will I be able to bear and keep myself sane in all this bad mouthing. he is going to spread manipulated stories about me, my past. He told me that he’ll destroy me. That he’ll tarnish my image forever. That no one can even touch him because of his connections in politics, judiciary, etc.
      I am feeling the all time low.
      Anyway, going to meet the lawyer today with a colleague. Lets see how that works out. Also, my dad is incidentally coming into town today, so I’ll be leaving with the baby.I have no evidence for anything other than eye-witnesses and my well wishers. I have got injured many times in the past but I was too naive to keep a record.

      I am sorry for the lengthy post.
      plz help me with advices.


      • Ugh. This is horrible. Big hug to you. Can’t imagine the horror, pain, and embarrassment–all at the same time–that you went through. Thankfully, you had people around to keep you safe. I really hope you get rid of that asshole and make a better life for yourself and your baby. Sending good thoughts you way.


      • Don’t worry about the image now. Your physical safety should come first. Please leave that house as soon as possible, if you have not already done that.


      • Dear LW,

        Please follow the advice of all others and leave the city immediately without informing anybody. Did you just realise how dangerous the entire situation was and you almost melted because your husband was nice for few minutes and you opened the door to him.

        Please cut him out of your life completely – the more you entertain him, the more he will torture you. No Facebook. No whatsapp. No gmail. Delete him from everything. Just go for a divorce.

        This is a note for all love marriage people – Everybody makes mistakes. Just because you had a love marriage with the wrong guy does not mean you cannot back off or try to correct the mistake. Don’t stay in the marriage just because it was a love marriage. Anybody can make mistakes. And people change all the time. Your spouse may not be the same from the point you dated or married them.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Is this really him when he is all sobered up or only when he gets drunk? Did he hit you before when he is not drunk?
        And yes there is no other option left other than to leave him and live separately.
        And his ranting about his parents and how you disrespected them is nothing but patriarchal mindset that you should have behaved like a meek and mute DIL, no matter what your ILs did to you.
        Clearly shows how patriarchy is wrong in so many ways in our world.

        I was reading about DIL’s rights in Sharia law…and was pleasantly surprised to find that in sharia law, DIL has no obligations towards her ILs…she only has to take permissions from her husband( which I didn’t like btw). According to Sharia, if ILs treat DIL badly, then she can move out and live alone with her husband. She has no moral obligations towards her ILs and not even her husband can force her to stay with ILs

        Think about your baby first, do you really want your baby to see all this drama all his growing up years where his father is drunk and shouting in front of all people, insulting his mother. What kind of human being he would grow up to be?
        Spare all the torture that your marriage will bring to your child and LEAVE.


  21. And whats with these women I feel.. my friend’s wife who my husband called a goddess, came upto me while my husband was being held in the other room after he had hit me and kicked me. she comes upto me and says that the problem is that both of us are too egoistic and that I should also loosen up a bit and in the whole process, she was acting as if all of this abusing and beating was my mistake too. And on top of it, my husband calling her a Goddess.. She must be on a different level of high!
    I feel its because of women like these who judge other women, most of us who are abused are afraid to come out. I found myself thinking that may be it would have been better if I had kept on taking his small tortures, atleast I wouldnt have had to bear so much insult in front of so many people who are now judging me!
    I really wish we could stop judging people who are going through all of this. Just coz they have been lucky to find good husbands, doesnt give them a right to judge us who couldn’t and who are striving hard every day in our life to somehow make it better.

    Finally, it all comes down to women divorcees, women raped, worst case- a divorced women who is raped, molested, or who as much as likes to have a good time..ppl dont take a minute to judge them.. When will all this change? Will it?


    • Dear LW,

      You have been through a lot. Although these memories are very painful, please let these scenes remain in your head so that you don’t feel like going back to him again. Once in a while, you may go through some moments of weakness but giving in to it will lead to a life-threatening situation.

      1. This is the most difficult part: I had mentioned earlier that he will now try all tactics to get you back and that not giving in to his pleas or threats will take a lot of effort. He will try ANYTHING to get you back in his control. But the only person who should control your life is you. To make that happen, you have to be very very strong and maintain a stubborn stand.

      2. Try to avoid people’s judgements from bothering you. Judging others is one of the easiest things in this world so that’s what we do. That woman judged you, others also will. Perhaps family, friends, lawyers, etc. But the truth is that no one is in your position and having to go through what you are going through.
      Very close friends and family members might also try to make you understand that this marriage is worth it and that he is behaving in such a way because he is stressed etc but all that is just nonsense. When people resort to violence under stress, why do they only hit their wives and children, why not their bosses and fathers or people they consider authority figures? Violence is NOT acceptable UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. You have tolerated enough; but you no one should have to go through this.

      2. If you require any help, please write again. I am sure there are readers here who will provide information and support about anything you require. We are all based in different cities, are in a variety of professions and have resources that may be useful to you.

      You have been very brave, and the way you have reacted to the situation so far is remarkable. I hope you are no longer living in that house – your and the baby’s safety is most important. Be safe. Be strong. Good luck.


    • A lady ( victim) was hit, abused and yelled at , A child was terrified and by a drunk. These are the facts. so if she judges the victim, do you think you should care for her words?
      you should thank her for her help and her husbands in restraining the drunk and leave it at that. i wouldn’t even look at her face after this speech let alone listen to any garbage she spouts.
      If you must respond tell her ‘ Yes you have an ego and it unfortunately prevents you from allowing yourself to get thrashed’


    • Don’t judge the friend’s wife ! She helped you ,concentrate on that ,thank her !
      You need to remember : in life here is zero compulsion for anyone to help anyone ! Nobody is perfect !
      And many people don’t understand things both big and small till they have experienced it themselves !
      You concentrate on what you have to do for yourself !


    • Dear LW, it will change when women make it change.

      You know very well your husband will play nice a few days and then turn violent again against you and your tiny baby. See DG’s website for explanations on the cycle of violence.

      So what are you waiting for ?

      I left my home at night once, through the window… The guy is a sweet talker everybody was on his side, the woman is always to blame. I won’t lie to you, life as a single mum was difficult in the beginning. He didn’t pay alimony etc. But oh the peace of mind ! It was worth it. I think if we hadn’t separated, something dramatic would have happened.

      So believe in yourself. Hugs.


  22. Forget what anyone else (I mean your common friends) has to say. If you have some time before catching next flight/train. Call cops to lodge a formal complaint. Might help you later in custody battle.


  23. Dear letter writer,

    my mother was in the same situation as you. Her first husband was physically abusive, the second a master manipulator. She too locked herself up in the kitchen with my brother and me in order to escape our drunk father, her first husband. I still remember the terror of these days and my utter relief when they finally divorced. I know only too well how you feel. Still, I can only urge you not to pay attention to what people say now. My mother too had to face a smear campaign from her second husband when she left him. He tried to paint her as a pedophile who seduced her students and many former friends turned their backs on her. He even turned two of my brothers against her.

    I’m going to tell you the same thing now that I told her back then: Don’t torture yourself by thinking how horribly he will speak of you. If people believe his lies, they don’t know you or don’t trust you and consequently you are better off without them anyway. I know it takes time to grow a thick skin, especially since you are the victim of the situation and now are accused to be the monster in the relationship. It’s wrong and unfair, not to say outright evil. Don’t listen to that nonsense and don’t allow anyone to make you feel guilty about leaving. Your husband knows he won’t get away if you really sue him. Why else would he claim he has nothing to fear? Domestic violence is a crime and he knows that too. In my experience only people who have every reason to fear brag like this, in a last attempt to intimidate their victim and regain control.

    Don’t cave in now. Instead, pretend everything is normal as long as he is around in order to stay safe, and once he is out of the house, grab your things and leave with your child. Don’t worry about other people’s opinion now. If someone else tries to guilt-trip you, just retort: “You have an opinion on my life? Which of my bills are you going to pay this month?” That usually shuts people up. All the best to you!


  24. LW, I have two failed marriages behind me, and I know exactly what you are going through.

    When I tried to talk to a female friend about the harrassment I was experiencing in my second marriage, she interrupted me and said, “You have to learn to adjust. We women have to adjust a lot more than men.”

    This is an educated, independent, successful woman, but she assumed that I was at fault, because I was divorced from my first husband and in a rocky second marriage.

    My own best friend, who is herself a widow, tries to minimise and dismiss my experiences when I try to talk about how I was harassed by my in-laws.

    Most women cannot related to you because it is a defence mechanism. If you blame an abuse victim for her own abuse, you can prove to yourself that it would never happen to you.

    You could never be like “those women” in abusive marriages.

    Most women want to believe that abuse could never happen to them, they are too smart to make such bad choices.

    When women judge you and blame you, understand that they are trying to respond their own fears and insecurities.

    It’s them, it’s their need to live in denial of reality.

    The truth is that any woman can become a victim of an abusive marriage, because we live in a patriarchal society.

    Those who have husbands who treat them well, are the lucky ones, the exceptions.


  25. Thanks everyone for all the support and invaluable advises. My situation is tough and the motivational words that I got here helped me a lot. I have left that house and I am With my parents now in a different city. My husband is apologising and regretting the incident, but I have decided to take my time. I can’t even think about going back with him. Though at times it is really difficult but I am sure over time I’ll see the clear picture.

    Special thanks to IHM for providing such a medium which can help so many of women like us in need.

    I m feeling safe and secure.
    Love to all!


    • Dear LW,

      So glad to read that you are safe now. Take care of yourself. Good luck with everything and best wishes for a healthy and happy future.

      Dear IHM,

      I agree with the LW. This is a wonderful medium for all of us to learn, share and grow. Thanks IHM. Thank you very much.


    • Dear LW,
      Am so glad you and your baby are safe and secure. Know that regardless of what ur friends or neighbors think, all if us here on IHM blog are proud of you for taking such a brave step! Kudos to you! Sure take your time to adjust to this huge transition (actually for the better) in your life. Just remember not to get sucked back into that relationship because your husband appears to be apologetic or is guilt tripping you. And least of all because he’s spreading stories about you. I think life in general becomes simpler and happier when you stop caring about what others think of you. Try it. It’s a wonderful feeling!
      All the best! Stay strong and stay focused on leaving this relationship.


    • Dear LW,
      So happy to hear that you and the baby are safe now!
      Regardless of what your friends/their wifes/neighbors/relatives and others say, know that we here at IHM blog are very proud of you for taking this very brave step! These past few days sound rather scary but you stuck to doing the right thing. Please pat yourself on the back for it.
      Take your time adjusting to the transition but please, please don’t get sucked back into that relationship because your master-manipulator husband seems apologetic, or guilt trips you or spreads stories. Keep looking forward. You’ll find happiness again, but I promise you one thing, you’re already on the path to greater happiness than you’ve received during the course of your marriage. So that already counts for something!
      Stay strong and keep marching forward! All the best to you and the little guy!


    • Dear LW,

      Good thinking!

      Please do not be persuaded to go back!!! Walking out of the house requires courage, but staying away requires even more courage and resilience. Don’t fall for his ‘changed’ behaviour and go back. The abuse will start again. Avoid speaking to him totally, if you can. Ignore his calls, or ask your parents to take them and tell him you’re not talking.

      Strength to you; don’t go back.


  26. Thanks so much everyone..
    This really means a lot.
    And once again a million times thanks to IHM for this wonderful blog. It’s making women stronger everyday.. something that Indian women need more than anyone else..

    Love to all!


    • Hi lw

      How are you doing now? What did you do after moving out? Any legal action ? I am going through a similar situation. My husband abandoned me and after that my in laws filed a case against me only that I torture them and their son?

      Hopeless from life


  27. Hi

    I am a girl and I fully understand what you are going through. But just leaving without any preparation wont be good. first save an ample amount of money for you and your child ,look for a good job, I will suggest talk to your parents and siblings and see if you can use there help. Than after you have become independent and have sufficient resources be bold and confident and take your stand. If your life has become miserable and you cant do whatsoever to make it right just file for divorce. After you file even if he does bad to you , you can move and live nicely with your savings and job. I hope you will be happy soon. All the best. 🙂


  28. Pingback: An email from the Accused Guy: ‘I would request all to respond once again after reading the other side of it.’ | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  29. I am in same situation feeling tensed broken heart mad and have two children with 2year difference pre schooler.i think he is selfish.he loves his parents only.you are only a show case material for him.he is treating as he married his enemy i dont know all men are same but my hus and family is same like that


    • @Sree : Have courage to stand up for your rights. You get only one life, why to live it in misery. Do what makes you happy and what makes your children happy and responsible adult. Do not succumb to societal pressure of saving the marriage if its only hurting you.


  30. Hi
    I am so sorry for your situation. I have also been through a similar one and I had a sister in law too involved. The situation is still the same the only difference being that I am living now with my husband. I can understand what you are going through.
    My advice for you is that if you earn well then you should immediately separately from him at your parents place or at some accommodation in his city where he is living. You can take a help for your child or call your mother or sister to take care. If he loves you or realises his mistake let him come back to you and settle and if he does not then you should move on in life . Give it some time up to six months. After that you can make your decision


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