Being Single in India

Guest Post by wordssetmefreee

My niece has often shared with me the troubles of being single in India. A couple of her friends are now almost turning 30 and pressure from their families is mounting. This they’ve chosen to ignore, but everyday life is not easy. The way neighbors and random strangers seem to treat them is reprehensible.

What are some challenges single Indians (both men and women) face?

Based on my niece’s experiences, and the comments from My Era, Neha, Cosettez, Simta, and Fem on the recent post on ‘women and friendship’, here are some –

Practical/Everyday Challenges

  • renting a place to stay
  • going out in one’s neighborhood (attracting uncalled for attention, especially single women from ogling men )
  • living in an apartment complex where everyone makes it their person business to worry about your future
  • for women, mild to moderate to severe harassment from some men in the building (staring, lewd remarks or worse)
  • getting mistrustful looks from some married women (being viewed as a potential ‘threat’) and not getting invited to family gatherings, pujas, festivals celebrated in the building
  • advice from family, relatives, neighbors and random strangers to get married and settle down and obsessive matchmaking that sometimes borders on abuse
  • Questions like, “Why are you not living with your parents?” (or at least with an aunt’s family)
  • being judged for dating or being in a relationship or pretending to be married when you are in a live in relationship
  • for women, being constantly reminded of your biological clock ticking
  • finding your name appearing mysteriously on matrimonial websites, without your permission, with the description, “highly educated, yet traditional, fair, beautiful, makes X amount.”
  • difficulty finding and keeping friends as most people get married by 30
  • patronizing attitudes from co-workers with families
  • workplace discrimination (“if you are single and over 35, there must be something wrong with you”)
  • questions on the person’s orientation, which is now everyone’s business
  • friends of the opposite gender forbidden from visiting apartment (because God forbid, they may have consensual sex. And we’re okay with marital rape, of course, that’s the poor woman’s problem, but consensual sex is everyone’s problem)
  • If you are divorced, you either did something wrong or you are unlucky. You no longer make the cut in terms of group membership.
  • Single women wanting to adopt a child face bureaucratic and societal challenges
  • Real threat to safety (when I go for my morning run wearing shorts in India, I feel safer if my hubby, brother or older son goes along with me. I’ve tried running alone but felt intimidated by the hostile stares and the lecherous grins. How is this different from the Taliban mindset? The man in your life may not be The Hulk but having one next to you seems to discourage unwanted attention.)

Emotional Impact

  • Feeling of being more visible – being singled out, more negative attention, every behavior/action attributed to one’s single status
  • A sense of being more invisible – ignored at or not invited to social gatherings/outings if more people in the group are married
  • Displacement from family – younger cousins, married with children are quoted as examples by sad parents, parents don’t understand how someone can want to be single, a feeling of collective rejection from family and extended family – being blamed/made to feel guilty for not making marriage work
  • Self-doubt and confusion – rejection and isolation leading to feelings of uncertainty, disorientation, and demoralization.

Some possible ideas to deal with this

  • Find other singles to network with. If you are divorced, find other divorcees. Start a support group. Sometimes these groups lead to friendships, sometimes they don’t. Even if this doesn’t lead to friendship, a group can be helpful for advocacy reasons – it is easier to fight for the right to rent without being discriminated against, if many people are involved.
  • Remain committed to the few people who are supportive. Keep in touch, make time to keep the friendship going without withering.
  • Join online groups and forums to get help/ideas for specific problems as well as to feel connected.
  • Start a blog on the topic as a meeting point for ideas and support. If there is a blog that focuses on the issues of single people living in India, please share.
  • Divorce needs to be made as un-intimidating as possible, otherwise marriages become prisons.  Many women stay in unhappy marriages because there is insufficient legal information and emotional support for taking this simple step – of walking out of an unhappy situation.  Therefore, please share resources/websites for divorcees, especially legal resources that explain your rights, procedures, property and custody issues.

Are we better off?

In the past, the only people who remained single were women who “failed to get married”.  They remained in their brother’s or uncle’s or male cousin’s house (after parents were gone) and served the families that extracted work and threw scraps at them in return.  They were ostracized within the family and held as an example of what happens when we don’t pray, fast, or train for a good husband.

Now, most single people I know (who are in their 20s, 30s, and 40s) got there because they made a choice. They chose to stay single.  They chose to walk out of unhappy marriages.  They chose to be in a relationship with someone without marrying them.  Boy, haven’t we ( a minority perhaps) come a long, long way?  Even if their % is small, there are probably now more single men and women in their 30s and 40s than there were a generation ago.  What does it mean – the fact that this is the first generation that we have more single people than ever?

  • this indicates that a few more people are putting off marriage to a later age (in my generation, many women got married in their early 20s and men by their late 20s).
  • this could also mean that a few more people are choosing not to marry
  • more people are opting for divorce when faced with unhappy marriages
  • at least a few women are no longer worrying about their biological clocks – they can choose to adopt (if they want children later) or choose to be child free
  • more women are able to work and hold jobs that allow them to make a living, so being married is no longer the only way to survival
  • being single longer and marrying later makes marriages more level playing fields – women who have lived alone and managed finances are less likely to be enslaved, men who’ve lived independently are not mamma’s boys, can take care of themselves and are not looking for someone to cook and clean for them, both women and men know what they want in a relationship)

The fact that a few people are making the decision to remain single or get divorced despite the challenges listed above means that our mindset is changing – that freedom and choices are now more valued – that they are pursued at the cost of society’s approval, acceptance, and the need to belong.

If you are single, please share your experiences and challenges with being single/in a live in relationship/divorced in India, and how you cope with both the practical and emotional aspects, and especially what has helped. It would be great to hear from both women and men on this.

If you are married, would you be comfortable renting out your apartment to a single/divorced person, male or female, if they appear to be honest, reliable people and have proper paperwork?  Would you rent to an unmarried couple?  Do you have unmarried friends who are over 30 or do you make friends only with married people?  Do you invite single/divorced people to gatherings/celebrations in your building?  Why or why not? If the answer to any of these questions is no, please elaborate why you are uncomfortable or what’s getting in the way of your friendship/trust.

74 thoughts on “Being Single in India

  1. I am 23 years old and I already have the pressure to get married mounting up on me. I really dont want to get married but my parents, uncles and whole of extended family won’t hear it. Even neighbors are more concerned with me getting married rather than carrying on with their lives and I can do nothing. That is the worst thing.

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    • Don’t let them pressure you…..fight back…move away from home. Its better to fight with them and prevent than you just going through hell later

      Liked by 1 person

    • Also, on a weird note, a lot of these uncles and aunties have called me selfish and an irresponsible mother (yes, already), because of the career I’ve chosen- I am a nuclear scientist.
      So, at the tender age of 21 (when I changed my career) I apparently already was a careless mother, because I’m exposing myself to radiation and passing on bad genes to my future children just so I could selfishly follow MY childhood dream.
      There are so many ridiculous things in this statement that I wouldn’t even know where to begin :O

      I chose instead to tell him that all that radiation might give my kids superpowers instead😀😉
      They weren’t amused.

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      • It is not about protesting against my family considering that I am in love with a person who is beautiful inside out and rather than understanding why I like him or why do I want to get married to him, my mum and dad say that I have let them down and they have no “izzat” left in society. I told them if reputation is such a fragile thing that it finishes because I like a person then I do not want to part of such a society. The most weird thing is he is living in Australia from last two years and all we do is chat to talk on phone once or twice a week. I feel in India, no individual whether he is a male or a female can live according to their own wishes. You study what they say, you get that job which they like, you marry when they want and with whom they want, you try for child when they want and god forbid if you cannot have a child or you don’t want a child. I want to know whether it is our own life or their life. It is my life, my decisions.

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        • I too feel this way @shagun.
          @quarkle we will get such comments if we do anything that s not cliche.. I was learning karate, so a girl comments that it will not be good for my future pregnancy..Her expressions made me not to tell her that I never planned on having a child. I feel she might have fainted!!😀😀

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  2. When I left my ex-husband, I went through hell trying to find a place to live. I went from I’m separated to none of your business to I’m married and my husband is not in India and I don’t want to live with my in-laws within a month. I had to live with my parents for a while, and it was a nightmare.

    I finally found a place to stay, and my landlord sneaked into my house when I wasn’t there and stole a bra from my wardrobe.

    Then I moved into another house that I thought was haunted, but the truth was beyond my imagination.

    Later, my ex-husband also moved out of his parents’ house because he wanted to break away from the “life” that had cost us our marriage. He faced worse nightmares because he was a man.
    People had to-let boards that explicitly said “singles not allowed”.

    So all in all, my observation is this: India is not friendly to single people.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, a lot of people end up having to lie. My niece’s friends also ended up saying they were married, and husbands were working in another town.

      It is interesting that the same people who won’t rent to single women also love to sexually harass them. My niece was refused a certain rental by this guy in his 40s (married with kids) and she ended up finding something else in the same neighborhood. Guess who keeps harassing her on the street (smiling, trying to talk even though she is uninterested, complementing her, ogling). The same guy.

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      • Oh but compliments are so “friendly” – why would someone object to them?
        And if you’re a pretty girl (or just a girl) you should be used to people ogling!
        *dramatic eyeroll*

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  3. Being in my 30s, and also being completely single, this is one topic I can very well relate to. I could tick out many of the practical challenges mentioned in the post (which I’m pretty sure would have been a lot more had I been a female). Still, I would like to put across some issues that I often face because of being single.

    Advice from relatives, neighbors, friends, colleagues and even mild acquaintances on the importance of getting married and settling down – I receive such advice all the time. A certain aunt who loves to be a matchmaker used to continuously eat my ears out about wanting to enjoy a good dinner wearing a nice saree at my wedding, until I finally put my foot down and told her in no uncertain terms that my life was worth slightly more than her whims. I have been spared further advice since.

    Being at parties or dinners with friends/batchmates – All of my school mates are now married, some even having teenaged children. Though most of them act normal, but the vibes of me being the odd-one-out are much too evident for me to experience. Too bad that they cannot completely ignore me because I’m usually the one who co-ordinates the get-togethers of our batch in our hometown.😛

    Workplace discrimination – Well, I wouldn’t consider it exactly as discrimination, but very often issues are put to an abrupt end by sentences like “You aren’t married, that’s why” or “You’ll know when you get married”. It is more like a patronizing attitude.

    Curiosity about my personal history – Some ‘well-meaning’ friends and colleagues continuously attempt to dig into my past to unearth a probable bad relationship or a broken heart so that they can try to heal me up and get me back in relationship business.😛

    Questions on orientation – There have been instances when some school or college mate has been nasty in questioning my orientation as the reason for me being single. On more than one occasion I have asked such people about how my probable orientation is adversely affecting their lives. I never heard from them again.

    Rumors and assumptions – Almost half of my batch mates in college were in a ‘relationship’. But what amazed me was how people were so interested in others’ lives. I got to know from a close friend that since I was not seen ‘going around’ with anyone, the talk about me being in a long-distance relationship was doing the rounds as the hot topic of gossip among both girls and guys. Though rumors never affect me but I was amused and told people to let me know too if they managed to find out about my secret lover.😛 Even after college, it was assumed that I must be in either a long-distance or a clandestine relationship.

    What people seem to refuse to accept is that the choice of a being in a relationship is mine and mine alone. And since marriage is seen to be a social thing instead of a personal one, it’s everyone’s business. No one is ready to understand that I may be single simply because I have not yet connected with someone at a level which would result in us being soul-mates. No one wants to accept that I’m not desperate out of boredom to jump into a relationship. And that I’m happy with my life, enjoying it to the fullest.

    Instead of saving money and planning for a future married and settled life with wife and kids, I love to spend on myself and do things I like. That’s why when I bought a car last year out of my own earnings, a friend exclaimed – “so you have really decided not to get married?” Upon my questioning his fear, he said – “you bought a car… you could have got one in dowry otherwise!” Funny instances like these apart, people even object to a single male spending his own earnings upon himself, as I’ve been indirectly suggested to by some close relatives.

    Among all this, thankfully, I have wonderful parents who support me completely and never pester me about my being single. Though I know they would love to see me married, but they very wisely diffuse all the societal pressure that comes regarding me and my marital status.

    In the end, I know a fact that it is my life and my decisions. If I find someone whom I would want to be with forever, I’ll no more be single. But till then I’m happy with my life as it is. If someone is unhappy because of this, it’s simply their problem.🙂

    Liked by 5 people

    • ha ha:) I’ve heard that line so many times – “I’m so looking forward to wearing that saree and enjoying at your wedding!” Why not go to a concert or throw a party if you want to enjoy??
      It’s awesome that you have supportive parents. It’s ok if parents have traditional views as long as they don’t force them on their adult children.

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    • I can relate on so many things here🙂
      “A certain aunt who loves to be a matchmaker used to continuously eat my ears out about wanting to enjoy a good dinner wearing a nice saree at my wedding” hillarious!!! One of my aunt was urging me to marry before she dies😀
      Curiosity about my personal history – People assume and assume weird things!
      Questions on orientation – All the time!!! I am straight away called a lesbian😀
      ‘But what amazed me was how people were so interested in others’ lives’ – I have dated people before and ready for it even now.. But the baseless rumors always make me wonder about how is it that so many people are interested in my life … may be their lives are not interesting enuff!!!😀
      “No one wants to accept that I’m not desperate out of boredom to jump into a relationship”-Exactly!!! I cannot think of marrying someone for the same old reasons like ‘ no one in old age to love’, ‘loneliness kills’ blah blah…
      “Instead of saving money and planning for a future married and settled life with wife and kids, I love to spend on myself and do things I like.” -My friends are shocked when they realise that there is no separate slot for ‘marriage time’ or ‘marriage expenses’ in my future plans.. they look at me with a sorry face and say ‘ its easy to say .. but u cant stay alone.. u have to get married someday ‘..
      My parents taunt me everyday.. but finlly they r trying to understand..
      I do wish “If I find someone whom I would want to be with forever, I’ll no more be single.” happens someday to me.. but if it doesn’t I will still remain happy🙂

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    • Shobit,
      The orientation business is common for single guys ,…..nowadays its first thing which comes in people’s minds because of halfbaked movies etc ! Only one male friend of mine is not married,….all along he is ragged about it !of course,now its no longer funny and sometimes he doubts if rumours are going around about his orientation !
      Married people are unkind and totally clueless about what single people face on day to day basis ! For them,solution is marriage,any kind of marriage and maybe they are right ,the culture we live in supports householders!

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        • I disagree. I’m married and I do have unmarried/divorced friends. Mypunchingbag also shared the same thing. Let’s not generalize. Maybe a qualifier like ‘most’ or ‘in my experience’ before ‘married people’ might help make it more accurate.

          Liked by 1 person

        • Hi Priya,.. Sorry that my statement was a generalisation.. I din’t mean to generalize. I know there are people who understand and thats why added I have a few friends who do understand – married/unmarried..

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  4. After a lot of hunting with the help of a broker, I was lucky to be able to find an apartment where the landlord had no reservations in renting to a single woman, didn’t spell out any restrictions, and has never interfered with anything. That said, I am sure he keeps tabs on the going ons through the watchman because he often stops to chat with him when passing by. Since I don’t know anyone in the city and don’t have much of a social life, I haven’t had too many visitors and never male visitors, so I don’t know what his reaction would be if I were living a more socially active life that spilled over to the apartment.

    Will be tracking to see if any comments here throw up pointers for forums/meet ups for single women in Bangalore.

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    • I’m assuming you were single as in “never married”.
      When I moved in to the third house I lived in (within a year – the first landlord was a perv and the second house had a secret basement they casually “forgot” to tell me about.
      The third house belonged to an elderly woman whose husband had left her for another woman. She was still married to him. (The broker told me all this, btw!)
      I told her the truth – that I was separated and needed a place to live. She was apprehensive at first but relented after being pursued for a week.

      When I moved in, I invited two of my couple friends and my ex-husband over for a housewarming. The next morning, I was summoned and given a lecture about how I was not allowed to invite “men” into my home.

      My younger brother would drop by once in a while, and that invited further “guidelines”. She eventually designated a watchman (her brother) who felt it was absolutely ok to drop by unannounced to check if I was hiding someone under the bed. This guy made several inappropriate comments, and I finally moved out. Again.

      Moral of the story – you don’t need to be socially active to invite comments.

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      • Well, my landlord never asked me a single question about my marital status and I never volunteered, though he had my id documents with my DOB. I am well past the ‘marriageable age’, by the way. My point about being socially active was that I have not received any unwelcome questions, comments or suggestions about my single status from my landlord until date and I don’t know if he would object if I did have male visitors. It’s been more than a year now and I think I lucked out. The man appears to be only interested in receiving his rent on time. And I am thankful for that based on the tales you have shared.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m a single woman in bangalore and in my 30s. While my landlord has so far shown no distaste when I’ve had male company over, and even seem to prefer it when I’m staying alone rather than when I have my parents over, I am still questioned repeatedly as to why I am not yet married. One married neighbour expounded to me the merits of being married, while my landlady cornered my hapless mother to question her as to why I wasn’t married yet. Married friends keep jumping on every post and status update wondering if it means I’m getting hitched (like when I posted something about a BAND called Joint Family), and other younger single friends tell me to ask friends to hook me up with someone. It gets me down sometimes that people don’t understand that I don’t want to get married for the sake of making everybody a bit more comfortable with their own life choice of ‘settling down’. I’m single and loving pursuing my dreams and continue to date interesting men whom I can have a meaningful relationship with. While my parents have given up on me in frustration, they have no qualms about talking me into letting them move in with me or overstaying their welcome simply because they think I’m single and this is expected of me. If I’d been married they wouldn’t have dreamed of moving in and imposing on a son in law.

    Liked by 1 person

    • “It gets me down sometimes that people don’t understand that I don’t want to get married for the sake of making everybody a bit more comfortable with their own life choice of ‘settling down’.”

      People can be very dumb and obtuse, and I speak from personal experience🙂 Never mind them.

      Liked by 2 people

    • you sound like me …I also stay in bangalore and have parties once in a while , though I go out for night parties almost every week and come home around 1-2 am , friends stay over night and I am never questioned . I make sure we do not make noise and disturb others. My lady lady who is few years older to me tells me many times , she wish she could live like me ..with freedom and happy .

      I think Bangalore is comparatively open to rent out to single people .
      when my parents hint that they will move to Bangalore , I politely tell them to find a place at least 1 km away from me and visit only after informing. I have drawn a line , no one asks me who calls at what time and why .when they stay for a month , I go about parties as usual , come home late and even in the mornings if we have house parties .I think they have opened up to the idea that can’t do anything about my freedom now . They do hint about me getting married again in future once in while to check if I am dating anyone or I have changed my mind but there is no pressure .

      I have another set of being single in India issues though .

      1. You cannot bring in Bfs to official parties , when young people can and older ones come with wives and husbands .. specially when I am not sure my current bf will stay till next year ..i just don’t bother to introduce.
      2. single people my age are getting either negative or desperate . single people closer to 40 even more so .they have started doubting their own choices . so , circle of same age people shrinks .
      3. If I hang out too much with younger people or date younger men , one after another , I get interesting names. I have been enjoying that but I am sure some other women don’t take it lightly . They totally dismiss my relationships as pure lust and nothing meaningful when a younger guy is involved .
      4. You have to do a balancing act all the time, get not too much attention and have to be nice girl.You cannot be too nice or too rude, or be labbled as loose or high headed lesbian. If you are first , you are sleeping with half of the city , if you are later you need to get laid as there is where the frustration coming from.
      5. You miss socializing with married professional and personal circle if there are insecure people in the group . this is tougher for women. single men are invited in parties but single and “hot” women are never liked in married circle specially if you can talk business and finances with husbands holding a drink.
      6.Finances : you are the only one paying the bills. No sharing of household work or bills. U are the man /woman and bai of the house. It has its fun and its limitations.Its not easy , house loans are not easy for single people .
      your relatives assume you should spend money on nephews and nieces and parents as anyway what are your liabilities. No one shares your bills ,but everyone wants to share the money you make.some of my friends who own their flats and cars and have money had tough time fending off sisters and brother. No one was happy to have them home when they were sick .

      Singles are fed on daily basis so much bullshit that at some point they also start believing that its not a life of their choice but they are losers .self -doubt and desperation starts showing up around 35-40 and PMS get worse during this period. every wrinkle adds insult to injury. Its a viscous social circle.

      ~A happily unmarried , mostly in love and always single 34 year old girl

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      • Finances – I wonder why they make it harder to get a loan – shouldn’t that depend on your current job, your future job prospects, spending habits, credit rating etc.? How does being married make you more financially reliable/responsible?
        Others asking for money – my best friend is the same age as me, 45, never married – she is getting this a lot now – random relatives asking her to lend them some money, bail them out of trouble – they seem to think they have this “right” to ask her.
        This is the first generation of people who are remaining single by choice. As more and more people get used to the idea, it can only get better.

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        • Its true. Most banks demand that you are in your current company for at least one year. Singles are seen as fickle job-hoppers while married people do not do that generally. They are wary about single people packing their bags and leaving the city suddenly as they have no ties. And yes, about everybody thinking they have the right to your money. Its like ”what are YOU going to do with so much money anyway”.

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      • Wow right on the money with all of those points. Even I wish I could just introduce to my parents or just bring over the man I’m currently dating but there’s no point if he’s not going to stay even for six months in my life. People are all too ready to brand a single woman a slut as it is. .. even I sometimes wonder if I’m a loser who never made it to marriage because of my own hang ups. But I’m pretty happy with my life at the end of the day.

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      • @preetid: I love your comment the most of all listed here.
        Finances are a real pain as not only relatives but even friends who are married or in a relationship have stopped splitting bills in my case. Whenever we go out I end up paying the bill as the rest say that we will split it later or we will transfer the money later and the money never comes. This happened on so many occasions and when I politely asked my friends some of them were pissed of because apparently I had made the relationship a money based one and one friend actually had the guts to ask me what I am doing with all my money and why I can’t fund them and that I must in fact take them out since I am single. The final nail in the coffin was last week when I went out shopping with a friend from work. This girl is also almost single as in she is getting ready to tell her boyfriend to break up and while at the mall, she picked up loads of shirts and shoes etc and when we reached the billing counter she puts all her stuff and once the bill is generated, she looked at me and said “you know what I don’t have money but I really like these and so please buy them for me”… My jaw dropped as her bill was more than mine and till date she has not spoken about the money.I do not know how and when I landed in this situation and all these are my very good friends and I am so upset about the whole thing.

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        • I like paying my own bills and also when bill is very small and my team is out with me ..being a manager or senior i like to pay some times but No One and i mean not even my family can demand gifts. Please do not let people take you for a ride . Once a relative asked me buy this to your nephew what will u do with your money .i said i will spend on strippers why are u bothered about it . Be rude if you have to be ..say NO . save and spend on things u want and need , health insurance , travel , house and property . splurge on yourself but dnt make anyone make a fool of you.

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    • I used to go nuts when people “interrogate” my parents for “not getting me married”. Note the denial of agency to the single girl/guy. As if we are zombies or incapable of thinking. Now after years of being single, people have given up on me finally.

      “Settling down” drives me nuts too. According to me, I have settled down. I don’t want to “unsettle” myself by marrying. I told that exactly to someone who asked me and shut them off. Although there are idiots who refuse to learn.

      My theory FWIW: people who are happily married do not nag unmarried/divorced people. People who are dissatisfied and stuck in their marriages are the ones who nag. And that should be a pretty big number in India I guess.

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  6. I am (happily) married for 5 years, and yes, I will rent out my apartment (if I had one to rent out) to anyone that seems fit enough to pay rent and seems like a decent person irrespective of his/her marital status. Also, one of my bff is turning 30 in couple of months and she is single AND happy. 3 of my husband’s closest buddies are 30+ and happily single. One of them is gay and is one of the nicest persons I know. One of them does not plan to marry at all but does plan to adopt a child in the future. I love being associated with and knowing these guys. I do not seek out married couples. In fact, I do not seek out people in general to make friends. I talk with or meet someone, we hit it off (or not) and we decide to remain in touch and thus become friends. And yes, all of my friends are most welcome at our place🙂
    I have been single in India and I was single for some years in the US, and definitely it is easier being single in the US. I have had no issues finding accommodation due to my single status in US. I am not sure about india because I never had to seek any when I was there.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yes it would be interesting to know how many people use ‘sameness’ as a criteria for friendship – as in same age group/relationship status/economic standing/same state/language/caste/religion versus using qualities (fun/interesting/humorous/honest/good-hearted/smart/compassionate/etc.) in forming friendships.

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  7. A friend of ours did have a problem in Delhi–the landlord had issues that they had parties with *gasp* men. Everybody was in their late 20s. Luckily, you can find hassle free landlords in cities like Delhi who really don’t care as long as you take good care of the place.

    I’ve never personally come across people who think that way though in India (lived here 4 years now)–an Indian Canadian (left for canada when she was a kid) friend visited me a few days ago and said that the kind of India I’m living in versus the kind of India she grew up in and visits every year are totally different worlds.

    A lot of our friends are single. In fact, in my husband’s group of friends most of the men are married but the women are not, because in this generation, women have far more choices than the last.

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    • Great to hear things are changing in some parts of India. My niece had these experiences in Hyderabad – which is considered (relatively) medium progressive, depending on the area. I find that it is much harsher in the non-metros.

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      • I currently live in Hyderabad. I find the place really, really liberal but that sort of has to do with the social circle I’m exposed to and the general area in which I live. I’ve gone jobbing at KBR many times with shorts on (and I see lots of women in shorts + t-shirt as well). Haven’t really noticed any freaky stares but I think that’s because I’ve become desensitized by living in Gurgaon for 3.5 years!

        My Indian Canadian friend is also originally from Hyderabad and she visited me here a few days ago–the area she lives in is really, really conservative.

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  8. This was the post I would have wanted read about.. Thanks IHM for posting this. And guys, please do let me know of the blogs for single people.. I met few ladies through meet up who were either single or divorced ( I am 23. they were all older to me). We spent some time together over a coffee. One lady keeps in touch with me even now. I think we can find people who are single and wishing to hang out with people who choose the same on meetup in their respective cities🙂

    Like

    • I love meetup.com – in my area, there are 20 different meetups for hikers, each one a little different – beaches/hills/flat trails/county parks/famous peaks/etc. I go to the one that does county parks. This is also how I found my book club. Again, so many choices and I was able to find a group that fits my reading needs.

      The meetup for South Asian singles has 500 members. The meetup for desi divorcees/singles has 300 members. My friend is a member of both – they plan lots of fun activities – trying out gourmet food, exploring the coast, etc.
      It’s great to hear that they have meetup in Indian cities too!

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Add to the point about biological clocks – you can freeze your eggs now! I know of a situation where a determined woman decided she wanted children, but not a partner, so she had herself artificially inseminated (twice!) and has two gorgeous children. This was so inspiring. She is still a sassy single parent and the kids are great. Really helped me debunk the myth that it takes two parents to raise a child.

    Personal experience – I lived in Hyd for 3 years. Rented an apartment. The landlord lived in Geneva and was desperate to rent the place I think, so I got it. I loved my 3 bedroom 2400 sq ft apartment. No one bothered me. My maid was the sweetest person ever. She wouldn’t gossip or let anyone talk smack about me. My bf (now husband) came visiting twice and stayed for long periods of time (>2 months), there was no interference at all. However, when I left the apartment the owners were clear that they would rent next only to a family. So, there was an issue, but I was never made aware of it.

    Questions – Oh yes I would rent to a single person. In fact our first apartment was rented out to two bachelors. Oh, I heard things from the building fellows and my FIL about how it could be dangerous. But I couldn’t care. I was paying it forward – if I got an apartment when single, so should these fellows. We have had not issues at all with the chaps. My FIL would not rent my SIL’s apartment to bachelors even though she herself is single! Irony. Besides single-dom, here in bangalore is also the jhunjhut of non-veg, veg, caste, religion etc.

    My issue being divorced in India. You can only mention it to people who have the maturity to understand it as an event. Very very few people. I have shared this with maybe 10 people outside my family and 6 of those was a mistake. Gfs stopped speaking with me, some thought me pitiful.

    Liked by 1 person

      • If a friend says ” I am so sorry ” when I tell them about divorce , I reply ” why are you sorry , you were not the reason for our split “.🙂

        Like

  10. I am 37 now and single not because I have decided not to marry/settle down but only cos I am yet to find someone who I see as a partner… Over the years, I have also faced a lot of what you have listed down, but when I decided to move out is when I had the toughest time.. people would hesitate to rent out apartment to a single girl – do you have a boyfriend? do you have guy friends? will they come visiting often? do you party? why are you alone [esp since my family was in the same town]… I was ready to give up when coincidentally my friend was moving out and her dad was ok with me moving into the apartment🙂

    As for family well, they have made peace with the fact that am single and happy, so don’t bother me abt it these days..🙂 but still I do hear murmurs at every family function about how hopefully the next event would be my marriage! (guffaws)

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  11. Things are much better in metros and bigger cities,..,its difficult to find accommodation in a good area but usually its a combination of various factors ! Like in my case,combination of single and Muslim was a way bigger problem ! Ultimately a Muslim family only rented out to me and I faced no problem from them ! But everyday issues were tough !
    I don’t like being single and its not by choice ! Having said that,as I grow older I really don’t want to be in a mundane traditional marriage with clearcut separate roles of men and women ! I have seen my father pottering about in kitchen,buying vegetables ,washing his clothes,doing chores ,…..I can’t live with a man who doesn’t do any at home expects me to do everything !
    Since I am not finding a right guy being single is next best thing !
    Earlier, aunties used to enquire about me and try to match now as I grow older nobody bothers ! My sisters have married outside religion so they assume I will do the same eventually !
    I would especially like sane,good friends to match me up but they don’t …….maybe because they don’t want any responsibility of it ! And marriage portals,are now turning weird ……with unacceptable people writing with dubious agenda !
    So ,I don’t know !
    In 20s,being single is a non issue !
    But as one grows older, the fun factor depends on how much you earn,support system like friends,parents,and health !
    I am only invited for baby showers,weddings,housewarmings,and I don’t have any milestones to invite them to……most friends don’t turn up for get togethers at my home ! I think its because they don’t find it significant and important and tell me why m I bothering with cooking and organising it will be easier at their homes !
    All in all is okay but nothing stupendous!

    Like

  12. Because I smile and ignore comments about my single status at the workplace, I almost forgot this incident that happened with the woman who hired me. Two months into the job, I was happily buzzing around getting things done when suddenly out of the blue, she told me that she had some words of advice for me and if I could please step aside. Puzzled, I followed her and she began with her advise on how I needed to get married and work could always wait. It was after some time that it struck me that her advice was stemming from her insecurity about my efforts at work both because of my newcomer status and the fact that I was single.

    What was most surprising to me was the underlying assumption that I would automatically give less of myself to the job because marriage would mean that I would be occupied in more ‘worthwhile’ things. In fact, I have always felt that the right partner would in fact better and strengthen me in many ways including my work.

    I never held this against my senior colleague though. I think I understand where her insecurities were stemming from. What I found baffling was the reasoning that being in a relationship would lessen my competence and desire to work whereas I always felt that it would help me shine more.

    Why depend on someone else making or not making enough efforts on their own work to make yourself look good is something I will never understand.

    Liked by 1 person

    • “In fact, I have always felt that the right partner would in fact better and strengthen me in many ways including my work”.
      Completely agree.

      Like

  13. I am in my late 20’s, single, and live in a rented place. There have been times where people have not let out their house to me because it was only for ‘family’ people and not single people. Some of them don’t have an issue. I have not been asked if I will have any female company over. The reactions from neighbors has changed from the locality I have lived in. Some didn’t bother, some took in their stride, some became curious and asked questions.

    Most of them do make a point to ask about why a person over 25, with a stable job has not yet married.. If I have some ‘problems’, or what my plans for it are.. Over a period of time it becomes bothersome to explain the concept of choice again and again.. In my personal experience this has varied.. There have been landlords who didn’t give a hoot as long as I paid rent on time, and those who were bothered about what I cooked, and who I had over.

    The same goes to workplace.. Jabs about how the time is right, or nobody liking over ripe fruits come and go. Of course once you make it very clear, most of them stop.

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  14. I have faced all this like any single woman in India.
    And at one point all this has made me quite bitter and negative for a while.
    Another things is that I love travelling and my parents especially my mother hates me doing anything that comes with a tan. She will be the happiest if I follow a home-office-home life.
    She hates that I am in a cycling club, that I play sports, that I travel especially beaches. They are like ‘get married and do what you like’

    I enrolled for a mountaineering course this June and I still havent told my parents.
    I thought I was quite brave and all but I am shit scared to tell my parents.
    And I have lied and said there is some training programme in Delhi- didn’t say I am going to Jammu. Its dangerous and they will worry about me every minute of the day, call me 20 times and passive aggression- ‘not as if what we think matters to you, you always do what you like’. Or ‘why do you want to do things which no one else does’

    My mind tells me to tell the truth to my parents because this is going to be an important phase in my life and I would like them to know. But I cannot deal with the drama I know my mother is going to throw. My friends wish me luck for the course. But I think I need it more to deal with my parents. Oh oh oh why am I such a coward? I hate this. I have to leave on 30th May and I still haven’t told them the real reason.

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    • Good luck with your adventure and have fun. It is not easy to have to deal with something like this. Maybe, tell them the truth only a few days before you leave and then remove the SIM from the phone once you are there. Tell them there is no guarantee of phone connectivity, but that you will still ensure that you call them once a day to update them on your whereabouts. That way, maybe you can control when you talk to them and for how long at least while you are on the trip.

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    • Nidaa, you deserve to enjoy your adventure, and not worry about their reaction to it. If you can tell them, great. If you can’t tell them on the phone, maybe you could write to them and describe in your letter how much this trip means to you, and it would be great if they could partake in your happiness and excitement. If you think such a letter will not help and the message will just not sink in, then tell them whatever story will keep them calm. If you can’t deal with the drama, then that’s okay. No one should be guilt-shamed into dealing with drama. Don’t let their worrying take away from your fantastic trip. Have loads of fun and hugs!!

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      • Thanks a lot Priya and Anawnimiss for your words of encouragement. Really needed them.
        I do have other emergency contacts. But like any child I too wish my parents wd support me wholeheartedly in everything I do and be happy that I am doing things I like. Wishful thinking.
        They know they cannot really stop me and go passive aggressive and guilt-trippy, which is so hard to handle. Whenever I tell them about my weekend trips, I so so wish that they would tell me something like ‘Enjoy your trip’ or ‘Have fun’ instead of going on and on about wasting time and money, tan, and that grudging resignation that comes with its-no-use-telling-you-anything-you-always-do-what-you-want.
        But I do have a feeling that Papa understands (from his expressions) even if he pretends otherwise. Because I have heard that he was just like me when he was young.

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        • nidaa I too m going thru the same and I understand..But I told my parents directly tat they are not being supportive at all bcoz I decided I will not marry right now and the talks at home are always about my marriage. They have changed after that and are supportive or atleast less angry than before.. Enjoy ur trip. If u really want to tell then make the points that u want them to know about how it wud be better if they understood you and supported u. and u can tell them abt the trip.

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    • Hey Nidaa, in an odd way, I’m feeling my heart swell up with pride because you’re following yours. I hope you bring back great memories from your trip.🙂

      Now, a necessary question – are your parents would typically be your emergency contact. Are they? If they are, I’d just discourage you from lying about the place. They do need to know where to find you in case something untoward happens.

      You can always lie about the purpose of your trip, though!

      Good luck, girl!

      Like

      • Hey there are quite a few reputed mountaineering institutions (Nehru Insti, Jawahar Insti and many more) in India (Govt sponsored). Its so sad that few people know about them like they know of IIT and IIMs. Inspiration struck me when I watched ‘People are wonderful-women’ YouTube videos. And when I enquired, I was shocked to know that fees are nominal. 5k for one month course inclusive of food and accommodation. You will be trained by the best. They also offer skiing course and others. And here I was planning to save up for months thinking it would cost lakhs. Saddest part is opportunities are there. But no one knows because these things are not encouraged, especially for women. But if even one from this forum reads this comment and decides to go, I will be super happy.

        Liked by 2 people

      • @Nida: Yes, please inform them about the location as it’s important for family to be aware as if anything happens at least there will be someone to help you.
        While it’s nice and adventurous to go on trips like this, it’s better to take precautions and be prepared rather than land up in some unknown place in trouble. You can really lie about the purpose, I did the same with my ex-bf when I went on a trip with him.
        I told my parents that it was an off site trip and gave the details of the hotel and etc just to be safe and I also told a couple of my close friends at work to tell my parents the same in case they called or bumped into each other at some place.
        Please ensure your safety first.

        Liked by 1 person

    • Good luck on the mountaineering course! I plan to do something like this sometime as I love hiking and have done some serious hikes here! Have fun, be safe and create lots of awesome memories. Also, for the sake of safety, keep your entire itinerary along with the contact phone of one of your course buddy or the trainer with one of your close friend back home in case of emergencies. And make sure your emergency contact person knows about your trip! Have fun.

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    • Nidaa,

      I applied for a summer mountaineering course at the Himalayan Mountaineering Institute in Darjeeling when I was around 19. I was already living away from home at that time, but I was home for the holidays and had given my parents address, though I hadn’t told them that I’d applied. The acceptance letter was delivered when I wasn’t at home, and my mother hid the letter. I assumed that I was not accepted into the course (this was about 10 years ago, when HMI did not respond to emails) – and I was too discouraged to apply again.

      Many years later, I discovered the letter and the deception, and naturally made a massive hue and cry about it. I wish they had atleast discussed it with me and pointed out their concerns – or even refused to pay for my course (I was still a student dependent on them) since they weren’t comfortable with the idea.

      Now, I no longer have the enthusiasm or the confidence to take up the course. Nor do I have the time to spare.

      I strongly recommend you go ahead with the mountaineering course. I suggest you inform your parents after you start the course. That way, they will know about your whereabouts, but will not be able to force you to rethink your plan.

      All the best!!

      Like

  15. A very relevant topic, Priya, and thanks for the post.

    I am single and turning 30 a few months from now, and two of my best friends are also single. (One is a divorcee with a kid). We have often exchanged notes on our situations. There is a lot of pressure – we find that even if our parents are okay with us not being married, the pressure is always there in the background. Sometimes, say for instance in family gatherings, where people ask my parents about my single status, it induces some guilt in me, as if I have let my parents down. (I think I tend to exaggerate the feeling, but the guilt is definitely there). My parents remind me at times that I can just bring home a boyfriend. (Unfortunately for me, that again translates into pressure to find a partner).

    As people here have pointed out, there are always other people more interested in seeing me married than I am. Friends of parents, parents of friends, random people who know someone from my extended family – they have all been after me asking me to get married. They tell me they know of someone ‘eligible’, and they all wonder “how and why my parents had not gotten me married yet”. I have also been pitied and told how my ‘market value’ would keep going down, and how much harder finding a match would be.

    I am not against relationships or marriage, but I have expectations and terms of my own. (Translated as “ego”/”arrogance”). I personally do not want kids of my own, and wish to adopt once I have a stable home to raise a kid in. I do not think pre-marital sex with however many people is wrong, as long as it is consensual. I am looking for an opening and want to have a job in hand before marrying – I do not know where I’ll find a suitable job, and I do not want to have to go job-hunting in some place just because a “prospective groom” lives there. I do not want “permission” to go in for further research. (I hate it when people point it out as a wonderful trait that a prospective groom and his family are okay with a girl doing/with a PhD and how they’ll “allow” her to continue her studies. I am doing a PhD and people often tell me how much harder that also makes the search for a groom). And I do not really want a lavish wedding with rituals I don’t believe in and which I find demeaning. I do not believe in the head-to-toe display of marital status – I do not like jewellery, and I find it unfair that only the women have to announce they are married, aren’t their husbands married, too?

    On the positive side, my family has been very supportive, though of late they’ve been reminding me that I must be getting married soon. There’s the usual teasing and comments on how my cousins have decided what to wear, and how I must marry before the fashion changes. I have friends who tell me it is okay to remain single, and remind me that I am single for a reason. They remind me that I am a wonderful person, and ask me not to lose hope or lower my standards. (some of my friends are younger than 25). They tell me I am a good person and should marry only when I am ready and that too, a person who treats me with ‘the respect I deserve’. They support me and lift my spirits up when the pressure gets to me and bogs me down.

    I am still not able to get my mind around to the idea of an arranged marriage. (The fact that, at least in my community, they do not even let me talk to the groom until both sides agree and horoscopes match, is really disheartening.) I really do hope that India becomes more open to the idea that people can choose to stay single, and it is not the responsibility of the society to ensure that every single person has to be married. (and by a certain age!)

    You mentioned Hyderabad – a friend of mine faced this problem, and wasn’t allowed a house without a marriage certificate as proof. Another close friend had to move out of his apartment because people objected to his girlfriend visiting him and staying over for a few days. (He did later find another house which had no such restrictions). I have friends in Chennai who live in houses with the ‘no visitors of the opposite sex’ rule.

    (That was a long and rambling comment! And sharing something I wrote, which is somewhat relevant to the topic here : http://www.paradox132.blogspot.in/2015/02/an-open-letter-to-people-whose-peace-of.html)

    Liked by 1 person

  16. So many of the things in this post (and the comments) resonated with me. As a single woman in my 30s in Bangalore, I have lost count of the number of people who ‘advise’ me to get married/ settle down/ plan my future blah blah. Others want to know why am I not married, what is wrong?
    Still others when told about my work (I am a AVP with a well known company) have the cheek to say that if you keep focusing on work so much, life will pass by etc
    My landlord was ok renting his place out to me as my mum was there from Delhi to help me move. However when I had some electrical appliances issues (and kept calling him to resolve), he came by and in between the repair work said we dont usually rent places to single girls.
    I think its impossible for people to not judge/ not interfere/ not care and just rent a place to a single woman without any problems already! But since that doesn’t seem like happening anytime soon, its good to keep everyone (from landlords to handymen) at arm’s length. Also (easier said than done), keep calm and give sarcastic replies (when pushed beyond a point!)

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  17. I’m almost 26 and already it’s starting. To be honest, I would prefer to be single but I do not oppose marriage if it’s in the cards (everyone has a life path whether they like or not), however it needs to be done the RIGHT WAY and for someone that is definitely suitable for me, NOT what my parents want. I had put my foot down a few weeks ago because they want someone from India (and I think conservative too) and decided on a mutual agreement that they can inquire if they can find someone , BUT both the guy and in laws MUST have some kind of cosmopolitan/diverse outlook because I’m not dealing with that conservative shit where they can treat me like a rag doll and I am not supposed to say anything. They didn’t like it guess. What really burst my bubble was that my mom mentioned I must live like the old generation and that if the marriage is not working out and I’m getting abused, I am not allowed to say anything or even walk out. Honestly she “thinks” she KNOWS and keeps lambasting how kids in India are ‘mature’ enough because they know to get married at the “right age” and lambastes how kids in the west are not mature and only do drugs, which is beyond false. Bullshit she either has not had much exposure to 21st century besides what happens in my family (obviously presents evidence that her theories are all wrong or that she denies that things are different) but that’s what happens when you have someone who is still stuck in 18th century.

    Another thing is it’s ridiculous to hear that there is no respect for single people in India..really? I mean, I wouldn’t shut the door on someone because they were single, or short or fat, or the wrong race..etc. That’s effed up and sad to hear especially when it’s 21st century and EVERYONE should know better but sadly they don’t !. For some reason I feel like perhaps the world would be much better if dogs had run the world instead of people ! They have quality that people don’t have, and that’s unconditional love and respect.

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  18. I am in my 30’s and everyone at work keep bothering me about me being single. It irked me to no end and I started setting an unattainable goal of finding a guy and to my surprise they did. I had to politely decline that option stating some weird reason.
    I left India as soon as I finished my undergrad, and never faced any problem of such kind here in united states. But, for the brief times I visit, my parents give me hard time with emotional blackmailing of them not being able to “show their face” to any one. On top of that, every neighbor, relative, random person will be speaking about my marriage and tell me how my parents are suffering for not being able to find Mr. Right for me.
    Plus, some relatives are plain mean, they event went to the extent of spreading rumors that I was already register married and called to congratulate me – Seriously? I laughed it out asking “who is the guy that I got married to” and had to stop entertaining them altogether.
    Being single, was indeed hard for me for quite a long time until I let go of that feeling and learned it is absolutely OK to be single if you do not find the right partner. The parental pressure, the societal pressure, peer pressure and constant comparison with cousins/neighbors who are younger and are married with kids is very daunting. It requires a lot of strength and one should develop thick skin to ignore such things. I really admire those single’s who live their life according to their terms.

    Liked by 1 person

    • “Being single, was indeed hard for me for quite a long time until I let go of that feeling and learned it is absolutely OK to be single if you do not find the right partner.”
      Glad you were able to figure this out. Sometimes, the world makes us question what we always knew was the right thing for us.

      Liked by 1 person

  19. I have rented our place in mumbai to married people, singles, men, women et all,
    I dont really care about their status as long as i get rent on time and the house is maintained reasonably well.
    having said that .. what i have seen is
    Most married couples keep it reasonably clean. ( about 75%)
    Most single girls and guys are pigs ( about 75%)
    the greater the number the dirtier they keep the place, with absolutely no respect that it’s someone’s hard earned money ..
    I try rent it to singles since the time i heard they have a hard time finding a place, i try to rent to struggling singles🙂 i have rented it out once to 2 girls who not only were pigs they were apparently the target of attention and the locks got broken 3 times. I understand they didnt break it, but baring normal wear and tear and paint etc., i wont be fixing your locks everytime your admirer or not breaks it. thats your problem.
    so now after lots of trauma i have rented it out to 2 guys, THE BEST !!!! i dont know their relationship or orientation and dont care, but they are cleanliness freaks an dprobably have OCD, the place is immaculate, well maintained and decorated like an italian country home… oh god it’s so awesome. the paint colors are spectacular and their rent is on the dot. i hope , wish , pray they never leave.. ever.

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  20. Reading about other’s experiences make me realise how lucky I was with my housing situation as a single woman – and this was during the period 2006-09!

    My first job was in Hyderabad. I had a little difficulty initially because most landlords/potential flatmates were uncomfortable about male visitors. I eventually found a large, airy flat and two decent flatmates. My boyfriend visited and stayed over once or twice a week; I occasionally had male and female friends come home to party and then stay over. None of this ever posed a problem. My experience in Bangalore was similar – boyfriend visited and stayed over, as did male and female friends – and this raised no problems with either the landlord or my flatmates.

    When my boyfriend and I decided to move in together in Bangalore, we were upfront about our unmarried status. The landlord was a relatively young man living in the US, so that could explain his acceptance. But we knew five other unmarried couples living in together in Bangalore, and none of them had boyfriend problems either.

    I’m married now, and I would be perfectly okay renting out my place to anybody (male/female; single/divorced; married/unmarried etc.). My criteria is that they should seem like honest, clean, decent people who are able to pay the rent in a timely manner. Their relationship status/sexual status or other personal matters is none of my business or even interest.

    Most of our friends are over 30 and quite a few of them are unmarried. My husband and I hang out with an equal mix of married and unmarried people. However, we recently realised that we now have more couple friends (both married and unmarried couples) than single friends – though this is by circumstances rather than choice. I joke that I am going to make friends only with single people from now on, because many of my married friends have had children in recent years and aren’t in a position to hang out with us like they used to.

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  21. For me, the family aspect of being single was the toughest to handle. The emotional blackmail and the constant parade of men I was least interested in can really get you down in ways that people who have not experienced it cannot even fathom. That has reduced a lot now, though the pressure is still kept up once in a while. Now I am “allowed” to bring in a guy of my own choice.

    I also do get a few “why aren’t you living with your parents” questions, but they are mostly from my own family, and I tell them off immediately, so they don’t repeat the mistake. Other than that, some of the other aspects of single life mentioned above also holds true. I have not had much trouble finding a place to live in Mumbai, though I do miss out on some good places because of single prejudice. I don’t often face ogling and sexual harassment these days, though my younger years were a different story altogether.

    Actually, single life is pretty cool, and much better than anything else I can see around me.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Hi!!! I am single in my early 30’s. I lost my parents at a very young age (was 19 when the tragedy struck). Since then I am on my own. Tried to get married through the online matrimonial sites but soon realized that orphans had no place in the holy institution of marriage.

    Decided to live single and believe me I have never regretted it. As a male it is not easy living a single life in India. There are difficulties and challenges. I decided to start a blog dedicated to single Indian men in India. It is titled as the diary of the single Indian male. Please go through it:

    http://bhaveensheth.blogspot.in/

    It addresses issues faced by men living a solo life in India.

    Liked by 1 person

  23. The recently aired Titan Raga Ad starring Katrina Kaif is an excellent example of reasons why women should not get married under social pressures. I faced all these issues myself and I know how exactly it feels. Priya, you have voiced it wonderfully.

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  24. Again another outside point of you.
    I feel for most South Asians marriage is more of a duty and a social obligation, why else would choice and love marriage would be controversial in some families. A person can be a Billionaire over night and that still wouldn’t satisfy their parents if they aren’t married. Whats the point of getting married at 22/23 when you don’t even have much experience in being an adult. 30 is not old by any means. I’m 29 my fiance is 30 but his parents are putting so much pressure on him to get married much faster than what we plan because of his age. Its like they believes his testes would dry up soon lol. His younger sister is 24 and his age is worrying over her age as well (most Malayali women are married by 22 or 23)
    I don’t know what genius came up with the idea that the second you get your university degree you are ready to be married. Marriage is not connected to some alarm clock that goes off when you are in your early 20s. No one should get married because someone tells them this is the age they should do it. A person should only get married if they are ready and know that they can truly live happy with their partner. If you aren’t ready then the single life is better. Besides India has over one billion people there should be no rush to reproduce.

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  25. Well… Really happy to read and know that I am not the only 30 and single one feeling all of the above. While all of the above applies to most of us there is one more thing that I would like to add. Once my mother was in a meeting and after the meeting was over the general chat started and it obviously was directed to my marriage and the latest update on groom hunt. One of the so called educated gentleman jokingly asked my Mom how long are you enjoy your daughter’s salary? Needless to say my mom was furious and when she retold the story was when I realised to what extent people can go when its none of their business. But it us true and like divorse, being single too is a stigma in our society.

    Also we get various advices from various people to lower expectations or mention lower salary in the matri profile so on and so forth.

    So tired am I of talking and hearing about it that it just does not matter now!

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  26. Hi all,
    Happy that you all shared your experiences what exactly i am also facing.
    It is a struggle between our right not to live the life that we don’t want to ( rather than to live the life that we want to) and social norms, emotional blackmails of parents, guilty feelings as if we have done some crime.. I have crossed my 30s and i want to get married only when I find someone whom i feel like marrying,, and not just because i am aging, and not just by seeing photos and profiles in the matrimony sites.. I always wish that our society should view this with broadminds. Sometimes I feel like I miss to live my life in this struggle. now a days i am longing for my parents to talk with me normally as they used to do few years back. Sometimes they make me to feel guilty as if i have done something immoral. But i can’t imagine living and sharing my life with someone on whom i don’t have even 10% confident. I have always wanted to meet peple like me. please let me know if there are any meetups or groups for single women or lets start one. lets give strength to each other. After all we are following our hearts for which the whole world is against us,,,,

    Thanks
    nanthini

    Like

  27. Oy, I’m just coming across this. I wrote a similar post, but of course our society is not that strict in marrying off single women. Even though some folks do see it as something being wrong, I argue that times are changing and more people will be single.

    Like

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