‘Both families arrived at a compromise and she decided to continue to live with her gay husband.’

Indian parents’ need to win (by any means) the approval of the ‘people’ in their social circle – relatives, friends, neighbours and acquaintances is a social evil at the root of many other social evils.

It leads to dishonesty, hypocrisy, abuse, control and social crimes, including – 

Semi forced arranged marriages (mainly because of the concept of a ‘marriageable age’ for women and the expectation from women to provide male heirs);

Getting a daughter ‘married-off’ to someone the peer group approves of (or is envious of), leading to willingness to give dowry and raising the daughter to be a future daughter in law, and male child preference;

Viewing of Happily Married Daughters as status symbols, leading to forcing them to Get Married Stay Married or die trying.  

Perhaps the worst of all is the parents’ refusal to support their children, often, when they need them the most. 

Sharing an email by Karishma V.P. 

Hi IHM,

You must have already read the news of the suicide of the AIIMS doctor because her husband was gay. What I did not know, until I read this article (link below) was that his homosexuality was discovered two years ago. She informed her family and both families arrived at a compromise where she decided to accept the fact and continue to live with him. Now after her suicide her parents are filing a case against him.

The fact that a young, educated, financially independent professional woman would choose to continue living with a man who is gay, that her family would encourage or support her decision instead of guiding her to end the marriage right away, shows a great deal about Indian society and its attitudes towards women and marriage even now. The fact that his family was not ready to accept him and he didn’t have the guts to come out of the closet is one thing. The fact that she didn’t value herself more and her family didn’t have the common sense to get her to walk out when she did not is another. Knowing that her family knew this more than 2 years ago makes me feel that they should also be booked for her suicide if the husband is being booked.

To what extent will we go to keep up appearances of marriage in Indian society?

http://hindustantimes.com/newdelhi/aiims-doctor-kills-self-over-torture-by-gay-husband-reveals-ordeal-on-facebook/article1-1338996.aspx

Thanks and regards,

Karishma V.P.

Related Posts:

When she says she no longer wishes to stay with him, why isn’t her word enough?

Can a woman marry and change an uninterested (in marrying her) man into a responsible, loving husband?

 If someone dislocated your jaw…

“10 years ago, the girl would have been counselled on how to change her dress sense for the boy, how to do as he says.”

When a daughter refuses to go back…

हमारी बेटी संस्कारवान है और मंत्री बनने के बावजूद पति के पांव की जूती ही है।

Are Happily Married Daughters a status symbol in India?

Please watch Queen, what kind of future was Rani being offered? 

And here is why women are so helpless in marriage issues and in their martial home.

Marriage Vs Live in Relationships : Twelve points to note.

Section 377:

And what would have happened if this man had declared that he was gay and hence would not marry a woman?

How would you react if you knew your son (or daughter) felt this way?

“Homosexuality is criminal offence, Supreme Court rules.”

“If I was born somewhere else, sometime later, in a more liberal family, in a more equal world…”

55 thoughts on “‘Both families arrived at a compromise and she decided to continue to live with her gay husband.’

  1. You are right, her parents should be booked for suicide instead of husband.
    When educated woman like AIIMS doctor cannot challenge her mentality for herself then how the situation of women is going to change. Here I will take women on fault. She is educated and financially independent still she does not have courage to fight for herself, courage not to even confess to friend and then commit suicide blaming it to husband.

    Leave parents they are oldies . For them its right because many marriage have survived this way. But even after having world’s best education you cannot challenge your own mentality then how parents are going to challenge it when they are far less educated than you.

    Why dowry related charges are pressed?Its miss use of the section. In my opinion even charges of abetting suicide should not be pressed because if she was facing abuse then she should have tried to move away from husband which is nowhere mentioned. She choose not fight and end her life.

    Society is made of us. Society is no person who itself is going to change until we start to change ourself. Be the change you want to see.

    Like

    • Victim blaming, much?

      Suicide is a serious issue and always comes after battling severe depression. People don’t just clinically ‘choose’ to not fight and take what some people call an easy way out. The woman needed therapy, and I suspect the man needs it too now.

      Charges of abetting suicide should be pressed – against both sets of parents. All parents of women only become big activists after she dies by murder or suicide. Useless cretin!

      Liked by 2 people

    • Didn’t understand the reason for thumbs down. Shouldn’t women who has received India’s best education take stand for herself? Shouldn’t ever girls parents held responsible for leaving their daughter in abusive environment which leads to her death?

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      • I downvoted your comment too. Here’s why:

        Here I will take women on fault. She is educated and financially independent still she does not have courage to fight for herself, courage not to even confess to friend and then commit suicide blaming it to husband.

        The woman had enough courage to battle it out for two and more years. Even if she did not have the courage, it’s not her fault that she was railroaded into a sham marriage, which she was then forced to ‘adjust’ to. The woman is NOT at fault here! It’s ridiculous victim blaming of a depressed and abused person.

        Leave parents they are oldies .

        Why? It is the parents’ fault that they ‘agreed at a decision’ with the other set of parents, without realising or caring about their daughter’s happiness. Their priority seems to be a married daughter, not a happy daughter. I won’t leave the parents. They are to blame. Probably also emotionally abused her to stay in her marriage.

        But even after having world’s best education you cannot challenge your own mentality then how parents are going to challenge it when they are far less educated than you.

        Education is not a pre-requisite for sense. If your parents are making decisions on your life, they are to be blamed if they make stupid and dangerous decisions. The woman did not just commit suicide out of the blue – all this was happening for a period of over two years. Did the parents need education to see that their daughter was unhappy and needed their support? I don’t think so.

        Why dowry related charges are pressed?Its miss use of the section.

        If she was being harassed for dowry, then dowry related charges would be pressed. Isn’t that what she alleged in her FB post?

        She choose not fight and end her life.

        Nobody ‘chooses’ suicide. Please educate yourself on this issue.

        http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/08/18/is-suicide-a-free-choice-or-a-false-choice/
        http://www.suicide.org/suicide-is-not-a-choice.html

        Liked by 1 person

        • The woman had enough courage to battle it out for two and more years. Even if she did not have the courage, it’s not her fault that she was railroaded into a sham marriage, which she was then forced to ‘adjust’ to. ———–> If she is not going to raise voice then who else is going to raise voice for her. If she has agreed out of choice or force then why anybody else will bother. In this situation for any third person intervention is like ” Jab ladki ko problem nh hai , woh maan gae hai toh tumko kya dikkat hai”.

          Their priority seems to be a married daughter, not a happy daughter. I won’t leave the parents. They are to blame. ———-> Right , parents are here to blame. For them married daughter is far more important than happy daughter but for the daughter also this was the truth. But what was important to her.She too believe in this and gave what her parents want a dead but married daughter.

          Education is not a pre-requisite for sense.——> What is the purpose of education. Minting money. She was a doctor for whom sanctity of life and humanity are everything.

          If your parents are making decisions on your life, they are to be blamed if they make stupid and dangerous decisions. ——-> What you are supposed to do when they are taking dangerous decision in your presence. What can be achieved by blaming even if she would not have suicide then still she would have
          lived miserable life. Her pain is hers and nobody else on earth can feel it. Being doctor she witness pain everyday and still does not realize anything.

          I may have appeared rude but even I know that suicide is last cry for help. Many times even I have thought for suicide but never did because of thinking of my own self and body not for parents or neighbors.

          Somewhere down the line you have to stop victimizing yourself. She had education, career, financial independence but she still she didn’t took any step for changing her situation. When any person is in serious medical position and all medical help is available at disposal but if the person has no will power to push the body then the person can not be saved. There is something called will power to fight against all odd. She needed break her conditioning to come out of the situation and nobody else could have done for that.

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        • The comment was def. victim blaming but i don’t see why both sets of parents should be booked for aiding suicide. They were unsympathetic to her plight and implied depression, yes, but they presumably didn’t know that she would take her own life. They cannot be arrested for aiding suicide if she committed suicide without explicit warning. And she was not physically forced to remain married to him. Technically she could have asked for a divorce. Of course if the man was harrassing her for dowry he can be arrested for that.

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        • @Tulika,

          I agree with you that everyone has to stop victimising themselves and try to break free because no one else can do it for them. So much is true. But going beyond that and saying that everything is her own fault is going too far. We need to understand that not everyone can be strong all of the time and to the same degree. Some people don’t have the requisite maturity to stand up against abuse. If everyone could just walk out of a bad situation easily, then there would be no abuse happening in this world. But unfortunately, human beings are not wired in that way. Breaking free always comes with a price that many people are unable to pay. Even those who do break free and pay the price face trauma. So judging someone under the circumstances is an extremely clueless thing to do.

          @B,

          We don’t really know the entire story here about the dowry angle, so I won’t comment on that. If the husband demanded dowry, he should be booked under the dowry laws. I don’t generally believe in charging people with ‘aiding and abetting suicide’, as it’s a steep slope from there. I was just trying to convey that if anyone needs to be charged with abetting suicide, it should be the parents, not the husband. Maybe I was not clear enough earlier.

          Like

      • I voted that comment down too, primarily because of the lack of empathy for someone who had to suffer in the name of “Indian tradition” and “respect in society” for two years before life stopped making sense to them and they felt compelled to end it.

        Like

    • What has education got to do with her suicide? She is educated but she is human too with expectations, desires, dreams, disappointments and depression. If there is anything that’s sad, it is the fact that her husband, a doctor should have known to behave better. It is a myth that these issues of abuse happen only in a certain educational background/economic/cultural strata. Or even depression for that matter. Abuse is a behavioral disorder that could manifest in anyone. Not all victims find the right support to come out of it at all times irrespective of their societal standing. The judge who hands out sentences to abusers might not be able to stand up to the abuse she faces at her own home. Man is a social animal and when the feeling of loneliness seeps in it is very difficult for them to help themselves.

      Regards,
      Danita.
      A Letter of Forgiveness: From an Abused Wife to a Husband
      http://balckwhitegrey.blogspot.in/2013/04/a-letter-of-forgiveness-from-abused.html

      Liked by 1 person

      • Okay, so this maybe true for her husband too, he maybe lonely too, maybe his parents also blame him, maybe he was under emotional pressure and depressed too, but if he didn’t commit suicide but that girl did, that makes her a victim but husband a devil? If there was pressure from her parents to stay married, maybe and it is very likely that there was pressure from guy’s parents on him to marry and stay married. But here everyone will call him spineless, to not behave better etc.

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    • Why leave parents?because they are oldies ? Oldies can not judge between right or wrong? Is that what you saying? Oldies lose their sense of judgement in 80’s. My uncles who are 70-75 yrs old know everything damn well and can make sound decisions and can travel alone to far away places. They are old by bones and flesh but they have active brain cells.
      You know what you should stop watching Nirupa Roy movies.

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      • FS,
        You are right. Infatilizing seniors is a national hobby. The minute half your head grays desis write you off as senile.
        Young people are never let to be adults because being adult means to make independent decisions/choices and take personal responsibility of both successful and failed decisions/choices. Marriages is one such opportunity when a person can actually make a personal decision and face the consequences but that chance is high jacked by the middle age people who relinquished their right to their middle aged parents/elders. It is a codependent culture everyone is hell bent on living others’ life not their own.
        Peace,
        DG

        Liked by 1 person

    • Ah, pretty judgmental hmm.
      Yes, dowry charges are misuse of 498A but 498A covers other forms of intimate cruelty (emotional abuse, mental abuse, financial abuse, isolation preventing from leaving etc.) too not just dowry abuse.

      Yes, parents are to be blamed for abuse and entrapment of the dead woman along with the in-laws and the husband. Each contributed to her breakdown in exclusive manner.

      Here learn about the warning signs of suicide may be that will help that judging.
      https://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/suicide/
      Peace,
      Desi Girl

      Like

    • Maybe she also believed homosexuality is curable or she also believed the way our tv serials show, slowly slowly hubby falls in love or like our culture and society condition women to be “balidaan ki devi” and compromise to make marriage work. With all these beliefs, it is very possible that she was only living in this marriage without trying to get out of it. Real help to her gay husband would had been if she had ended the marriage, but to her I guess, even when he was gay, still she was married to him seemed like a sacrifice for HIM and maybe she believed she is doing him a favour.

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  2. Suicides are complicated. What can drive a person to believe death is preferable to a saperation from the abuser? What circumstance would lead someone educated, accomolished and financially secure to take their own life?

    I believe suicides are a cause of prior psychological issues which may have been caused by stress coupled with a lack of a support system. While the victim herself blames the husband in the suicide note we need to remember that a suicide is a failure of recognizing and addressing the psychological needs of the victim. Agree with the authors final statement.

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  3. Cause of death in one word: homophobia.

    We refuse to accept homosexuality as a normal, natural state of being. We refuse to wrap our heads around the fact that some people are gay. We think homosexuality can be “cured”. We feel entitled to control what happens between consenting adults in private. We cannot stop considering homosexuality a crime.

    As a consequence, gay people are denied the basic human right to commit (or not) to a partner of their choice. They are expected to “settle down” and enter a heterosexual relationship and produce babies irrespective of whether they want to.

    Two problems now arise. Abusers like this husband hurt the cause of LGBT rights because most people will have the standard knee-jerk reaction that all “them” are “like this only”. Second, it’s just a matter of time before IPC 377 will be abused for revenge because let’s face it, easier to get sympathy from our society as the wife of a homosexual husband than dowry or mental abuse which are so “normal”.

    Liked by 3 people

    • True.
      What a devastation! Educated life lost to something so silly. Gays, Lesbians, Bi all have sexual preferences just like straight people have. Why to make big fuss about it. I have some bisexual friends and I am proud of them…what they do with their sexuality is none of my business. In fact the stories that they tell about their boy-friends and girl-friends and their love-lives are funny yet normal …just like all of us.
      Indian society, or south-asian culture are totally screwed up. We had Kinnars and gays, bi-sexuals in our history like Mahabharat and other scriptures. They have existed since time immemorial. Why not simply to accept them as integral part of any society.
      Supreme court verdict about gays rights and marriages is sad. Lot of lives will continue to suffer. Sad truth.

      Like

  4. @LW–while I definitely agree that her parents are as much to blame as the husband and his family, I don’t think anyone should go to jail for the victim’s suicide. As you’ve said, she was young, able, and financially independent–she wasn’t physically forced to stay with her husband. She could, technically, have cut off ties with him/his family/her family and lived an independent life by herself.

    I feel like this is an unfortunate case where no one should be legally booked. What society should do instead is empower women to live their own lives. Our cook here has recently been granted her divorce from her husband for this very same reason–while she may not be as educated, she’s earning her living as a cook and had the courage to walk out.

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    • Hi Kay-I didn’t mean the parents SHOULD be booked. I thought it wasn’t fair that her parents were filing a case against him now and blaming him for the suicide when, to me, they are equally to blame because they knew what she was going through 2 years ago. So, in my mind, it follows that if he is arrested then they should be too! The article says she chose to be with him, so I don’t think he’s responsible for her actions. She could have chosen to walk out just as well. And I don’t know why they are booking it under a dowry harassment either!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Thank you for sharing this. I am so glad for this platform where I know I will find like minded people and though I comment rarely, your blog has given me a sense of community for years! When this article was shared on Facebook, some comments I read were that homosexuality and gay marriages would ruin “indian culture” and that “western culture” was the cause of this. I bet there are many more who think like this. Even this lady who was a doctor, in this particular case, did not seem to grasp the fact that homosexuality is not a choice, just as heterosexuality is not a choice. Neither did both families. Is it better in India to live in denial and deception than live and accept the truth of your loved ones? Is this Indian culture? To live a lie your entire life for the sake of “respect” in society? I know its easy to talk and difficult to walk the talk. Unless society changed its attitudes towards homosexuality and ALL marriages and people start loving themselves enough to stand up for themselves and live their truth, this will not be the last case we hear like this.

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  6. I think there can’t be any finger pointing at this point when the life is already lost. I feel for the parents but then, if you knew she wasn’t happy…I don’t know what they were waiting for? And what was she doing in a relationship if she had a problem….gay is a taboo in India….people will take a long time to accept it….Husband should have stood up for himself…life he was gay, he shouldn’t have married at all

    Liked by 1 person

  7. From the article in the Hindustan Times-
    “In a four-page suicide letter and a note on her Facebook page, Priya Vedi said her husband was a homosexual and accused him of mentally torturing her for dowry.”
    “She called everyone in the family from the hotel room informing them about the suicide. On Friday, she told us that problems could not be solved. She said that about 15 days ago, she was forcibly given sleeping pills by her husband. We tried stopping her from ending her life but she did not pick up her phone,” said Rishab, Priya’s cousin.”
    From her suicide note-
    “In spite of knowing this I decided to help him to b as a wife with him. But he tortured me a lot mentally… And at last night he tortured me emotionally so I am unabl to take breath with him… You are not a human being you are a devil, who take away my life from me (sic),” the note added.”

    It almost seems like her suicide was an act of vengeance.
    By calling her family from an unknown hotel room she wanted to make them suffer for all the pain & suffering she felt they put her through.
    I can’t say as I blame her for that.
    I really don’t think it matters how much $ you make, how educated you are, or how seemingly ‘independent’ you are – when you figure out your ‘nearest & dearest’ (family & or spouse) really don’t care about you or your well being, it is absolutely heart rendering.
    You feel so worthless like their is no one in the world who cares about you nor anyone who could care about you or even love you.
    I know I went through this situation with my family (whom I cut off all contact with).
    I found out when I really needed my family they weren’t there for me, nor did they care about my well being or happiness.
    Ceasing all contact with my family was absolutely the most devastating & painful thing I’ve ever gone through & I sincerely wondered if I’d ‘make it’. But I did & met & married the most wonderful man with the most wonderful family who DO care about me.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. My mind is whirring with questions at this point.
    1. What if the girl had been gay? Would her family have been just as interested in saving the marriage? Would the guy’s family be interested then?
    2. There are people saying that the girl didn’t have the “courage” to fight against “her own beliefs”. Did these people consider that sometimes your innermost thoughts are not really your own; they’re influenced by the society we live in?
    3. Why do we refer to non-gay people as “straight”? Are gay/bisexual/transsexual people crooked?
    4. When will people (old and young) realize that marriage is NOT a community thing where everyone has to have a say in every small matter?
    5. When will we stop thinking of parenting in terms of providing roti-kapda-makaan and and education to our children and start realizing that being a parent means being sensitive to children’s physical, emotional, and psychological well-being?
    6. When will we stop pretending that parental love is “unconditional”? As far as I can see, parents almost always measure children in terms of ROI – be it the prospect of budhape ka sahara or ghar ka chirag, or financial support, they ALWAYS want something in return for the pain they had to suffer (I carried you for nine months, I left my job so I could take care of you, etc.) because of us.

    I’m done with this shit. Are you?

    Liked by 4 people

  9. They call that a compromise???? If the girl was gay would the man be forced to stay with her? If anything they pressured both of them to stay together for appearance sake. Her family abandoned her to her fate and pressured her to stay with a man who would never love her and he was pressured to get married and stay with a person he would never love nor sexually want. They are both victims when you think about it .If its true that she was mentally and emotionally abused then its clear that this sham of a marriage was taking its toll. He had no excuse to do that and could have walked out. They both didn’t have the courage to stand up to society.
    The same thing happens to heterosexual couples who had failed arrange marriages Sometimes they are incompatible or just simply don’t like each other and are forced to stay together because it is expected. They either tolerated each other or lash out on each other till its abusive.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I don’t know how many times to say this,
    1. Not everyone is cut out to have kids.
    2. becoming a parent doesn’t make one Gautham Buddha.
    3. parents are humans too, there are selfish ones, bad ones, evil ones, matlabi ones, kind ones, abusive ones, good ones, fair ones , morons , demons and saints.🙂

    First we have to realize that just because someone becomes a parent and raises a kid they are not the epitome of love ,portrayed in the movies and media and all that ‘maa/baap ka pyar’ . lots of parents expect something in return for raising kids ( even though said kids didnt ask to be born) could be money, could be status, could be that they stay married, could be that they expect their kids to listen to them at all times.. something .
    I’ve always thought we should first fix our thinking. its is not a sacrifice to raise your kids, you asked for it, its your DUTY. and no kids don’t OWE us anything, lest of all listening to obviously idiotic parents.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re breaking my heart now! Having baby doesn’t automatically make me amazing?!

      Kidding aside, excellent comment, Radha! Loved it, as usual!

      Like

  11. Dear IHM

    I don’t want to blame the victim, but then it was in her hands…..she wasn’t physically tied down or dependent on anyone for her livelihood. She was a Doctor, fully independent. She could have revolted and left the house and lived separately. But then I can not imagine what amount of stress she was going through when her own family abandoned her and forced her to live with that spineless man.
    But I still believe there is more to the story than what it appears. Its only one-sided story that have come into light. We really do not know what is the other side of the story.Until this investigation is complete, we can not say what really happened.

    Like

    • Why do we only refer spinelessness to men? I think the girl was much more spineless to stay in such a marriage. The man it is much easily understandable the pressure on him as how people and our country’s law treat gays, maybe his family also. The fault is on his side too but the girl could stand up for her. We can’t just support her for her acts just coz she committed suicide. It is just always so, the person who dies, we start feeling sympathy for him/her. Ofcourse it maybe parents fault, her husband’s fault to not stand up for her. So, does it reduce her responsibility towards herself? A person doesn’t commit suicide if she wasn’t really in stress, but I think she like any other Indian girl holding only her parents and husband responsible for her this condition but I believe she was much more responsible than them.

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      • I am not supporting the girl here. Read my comment thoroughly. She couldn’t take a stand for herself and took her life. But man is very much alive, what did he do to help her? She was a scapegoat for him, to avoid public shaming. But at the same time he was ashamed of himself and couldn’t muster enough guts to take a stand and instead tortured her to death.
        I also said we dont know the other side of the story and can not say what really happened and why she didnt go for divorce in last 5 years. There is more to the story than what it appears

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        • I only referred to a word in your comment which you used for that man “spineless”, which I often read here. We almost always associate spinelessness to men only. Maybe he was himself so much stressed that he is unable to help himself and we expecting him to help her.

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      • Umm, he comitted fraud — he married the woman under false pretences. He DID not disclose his homosexuality to her before the marriage; thus making the marriage fraudulent. It was never consummated — grounds for annulment under Indian law.

        Not only that — he refused to intervene when his family blamed his homosexuality on HER failure to be “a good wife”. He’s a doctor; it is unconscionable that he let his family think that a devoted wife could “cure” his homosexuality.

        I was divorced formerly, and I can tell you from first-hand experience that Indian society is extremely cruel to divorced women. Divorced men get away with a light slap on the wrist, with a “hai bechara, he was an innocent victim” excuse.

        The divorced woman, on the other hand, has to live like a social pariah, even when, the husband is clearly to blame, as was the case here. She is ostracised, isolated and excluded from most social circles.

        Lastly, have some empathy for dead people, if you cannot empathise with living ones. Please read Fem’s comment and stop blaming people who commit suicide.

        It’s not as if people who commit suicide just want the easy way out — suicide is the culmination of years of intense stress, internalised grief and often years of abuse and exploitation.

        Marginalised sexual communities have the highest rates if mental illness and suicide, so STOP equating suicide to an inability to face adversity in life.

        Like

  12. This reminded me of the movie Honeymoon Travels Pvt. Ltd. It showed different kinds of couples on a honeymoon and one of the stories was about a woman who married a gay man. In the end, they both decide to stay together in order to appease their families back home. I did get the impression that they would be indulging in an open marriage in the future, though.

    One of my friends also had a similar experience. The parents arranged a marriage to a guy from Holland who took her on a honeymoon and they didn’t even have sex. After he returned back to Holland, he simply stopped communicating. He later confessed he was gay. Meanwhile, his parents had made sure to take as much dowry as they could during the wedding. Maybe this happens more than we hear about.

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      • No. She got a divorce after much pleading with her father, who finally consented. She remarried and the man took all her savings to start a business which floundered and began to mistreat her. Then she divorced again after having a child, and now has gone all to pieces, unable to hold down a job. There is no ‘justice’ in these cases.

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        • Fem, I hope that you can provide her with some support and understanding. It’s incredibly lonely and stressful being a divorced woman in India; that too, twice over.

          Most people just want to demonise you, shame you and treat you like you have a deadly disease. People treat you like a pariah — they show either pity or contempt. Neither is particularly helpful.

          This is over and above the grief and trauma that the woman has already suffered from an abusive marriage.

          Even a sliver of support and empathy can pull her back from the precipice which your friend seems to be teetering on the edge of. Ask her to begin therapy and incorporate some sort of spiritual practise into her daily schedule — meditation or yoga will help tremendously.

          Please don’t distance yourself from her — you may not understand or approve of the course of her life, but believe me, she could really do with a friend now.

          Sometimes, “justice” is an inadequate word to describe certain life situations — none except those who have actually endured injustice and trauma really know what they have lived through.

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  13. Sometimes emotions overpower all the intellect and wisdom we have, leaving no room for rational thinking. During such phase of life we need a true friend or a guardian who could help us coming out of grief and provide moral support.
    Take a lesson from this incident, never suffer silently, share, be a support and gather all courage inside, have faith, life is a gift of God don’t let it perish.

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  14. Doctor or not, she was a victim trapped in a purposeless marriage with no support from her family. Caught between an abusive gay husband who himself is a ‘trapped’ soul and unsupportive parents with a stay married policy even if their daughter is unhappy. The emotional & mental anguish someone goes through in such circumstances cannot and should not measured by what they do for a living, literacy level or even financial situation.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. As someone who was married to an emotionally unavailable man who was completely uninterested in marriage and had only married out of parental pressure, I empathise with the victim.

    Not all men, even if they are straight, are cut out for marriage — the kind of marriage which most women want — with affection, tenderness and companionship.

    I just hope that parents who read about her suicide will stop and think for a moment. Not everybody is equipped to deal with the demands that marriage places on them.

    Marriage requires a tremendous amount of emotional investment, a willingness to be vulnerable, a willingness to love and be loved, to trust and be trusted, to support and be supported.

    Not everybody, irrespective of sexual orientation, has the requisite emotional needs, and skills, to build a healthy marriage. Not everyone has the requisite skills to be a good parent.

    Don’t marry just because you are an adult, have a job and are of “marriageable age”. Marry because you genuinely want to spend your life with another human being. Marry if you are willing to provide and receive, respect, trust, commitment, intimacy, love and support.

    My ex-husband, for instance, was reclusive by temperament. He had probably suffered past emotional traumas which made him distrustful, secretive, emotionally distant, emotionally repressed and controlling. He also lacked the requisite self-awareness to realise that he had issues with trust, control and emotional intimacy.

    He was unwilling to form an emotional bond, really allow another person into his life, but wanted to be married for “social respectability and family honour”.

    Few people understand how cheated and angry the other spouse feels when they find themselves in a marriage whose only raison d etre is “social respectability” and “family pressure”.

    The problem with arranged marriages is that it is very difficult to detect problems around emotional dysfunction and sexual orientation. You cannot divine somebody’s true feelings and intentions over a phone call, or a cup of coffee.

    I really feel for the victim because I was married to a man who had married because of “family pressure”. How dare her husband ruin another human being’s life for his own convenience, and because of his own cowardice?

    What an awful, awful, human being her husband is. It’s not ok to oppress and abuse someone else because you are opressed and abused yourself.

    I have a close family friend who is gay — he chose to relocate to the US to escape pressure to marry. Gradually, he began to work on his family and came out to them a few years ago.

    It caused huge emotional meltdowns; his mother was in denial for many years. His family eventually came around. Now he and his partner stay with his parents and older brother when they visit India.

    His older brother wants him to “settle down when the right man comes along” — so the pressure to marry hasn’t decreased. It’s just that now, the family wants him to find “Mr Right”.

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  16. I could only see each character of this tragic story as a victim. The husband, the wife, the parents – each one trapped in his/her own mindset, unable to come out and thereby causing suffering not just to self but to everyone around.

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  17. From what I understand being gay or performing gay sex acts is actually illegal in India.
    I feel sorry for this woman.
    It’s not like she could out this man if she got divorced, which means she’d bear the blame and the scorn for the marriage failing and for being divorced. If she outed him, so many people would think she was wicked and terrible.
    I’d bet money staying in the marriage as his beard meant that he’d be having all the furtive gay sex in the world (if he could swing it), while she was expected to remain faithful and above suspicion. It also meant that probably she would be blamed for not having children, because in this patriarchal society it is always the woman’s fault. This is on top of all other run of the mill bullshit with dowries and traditional in laws and being isolated.

    Keeping a secret like this corrodes your insides and your soul.

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    • Yes, it really does destroy your soul and your faith in people.

      Being blamed and judged for no fault of yours, paying the price for somebody else’s mistakes and irresponsibility and being unable to speak your truth — it’s as if somebody has physically gagged you.

      Most people are blaming her for being weak and cowardly, but few understand what it does to live with so much deceit and to feel absolutely helpless to protect yourself.

      When I read about women like her, and others on this blog, I really wonder if there are Indian women who have not experienced injustice and suffering just because they are married.

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  18. Though it’s tragic and a shame, it’s not surprising as suicide rates among Indians, pretty much any Asian (Chinese, Korean..etc) is very high. I feel for the woman, wish she had support where the family would have been knocked to their senses and have known she had options besides the one she took.

    That said, I have been thinking -what does ‘education’ mean in India? Because the way I see it, education there means just getting a degree that makes a lot of money and yes, they look down upon you if you are not a doctor or engineer (eyeroll) (There are plenty of other careers where you can make a descent living !). Education is more than just getting a degree..it means going out and learning how the world works and what you can do to make things peaceful and loving towards EVERY being here on Earth. Apparently Indians think that if you have a degree in engineering or medicine, you are educated..BOGUS !! It shuns out understanding human relations/emotions..etc all of because of “culture and tradition” (does that even exist in India still?)

    Bless that young woman’s heart. Next time I’m at church I’ll be praying.

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    • Education is only a means to access a comfortable living. It’s true purpose, to open young people’s minds and help them think criticially, is systematically subverted because dissent and a questioning attitude is very threatening to upholders of the “Indian ethos”.

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    • There must be many women who are married to closet gays ! I know women who think being gay is mental sickness ! If gay men don’t refuse marriage knowingly, in Indian scenario it should be made a crime !Difficult to prove crime but it could work as deterrent !
      Many ‘innocent’ women friends of mine don’t even know anything about being gay or what it is !So, in arranged marriage scenario how will they identify ‘gay’ men ?

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  19. Pingback: 15 lines from ‘Dil Dhadakne Do’. | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

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