“…it’s better if he is NOT a family guy. Extra points to the one who hates kids.”

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When her parents asked her to marry, this Bengaluru girl put up her own matrimonial ad 

When 23-year-old Indhuja Pillai’s parents put her profile on a popular matrimonial site, her initial reaction was that of anger and annoyance. She says she is not ‘marriage-material’, but what equally irked her was the way her parents chose to describe her on the site. “It was so unlike me”, says Indhuja, a Bengaluru-based professional.

 

The posting of the matrimonial ad for an adult child by the parents, the description that doesn’t match, the irritation felt by the adult child – many would view this as a normal part of Indian arranged marriages.

But this young woman responded with ‘a sarcastic statement’, she created a website – marry.indhuja.com.

She described herself as an atheist tomboy ‘married to self’, who earns ‘Salary – Overabundant for self. Saving a little to travel.’

An Indian woman of ‘marriageable age’ saving for travel and not for marriage is still not common.

So what kind of man would she consider spending her life with?

‘A man, preferably bearded, who is passionate about seeing the world. Someone who earns for himself and does NOT hate his job. Must be flexible with his parents, also means, it’s better if he is NOT a family guy. Extra points to the one who hates kids. Points for a great voice and an impressive personality. Should be able to hold a conversation for atleast 30 minutes’.

 

Doesn’t want a Provider and Protector. Knows what is important to her. Has interests and passions. The final and only goal in her life is not to Get Married Stay Married. Doesn’t want children. Plans for more than ghar sansaar. Even if the post is meant to be a sarcastic statement – it’s a positive.

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But if there is so much of hesitation in spending time to know a person… aren’t the marriage hopefuls playing with fire?

Only when raising ideal daughters in law is not their goal, would Indian parents be able enjoy having and bringing up girl children.

“A 28 year old, independent woman who dreams big does not really fit the definition of an ideal Indian DIL.”

An email: I want my parents to know the real me, why do I have to lie?

Response from the email writer accused of betraying her “parents, country and culture by not having an arranged marriage”

“I am glad that my parents never thought of raising us as ‘future daughters-in-law’.”

An email: “I said I would look for second marriage with following conditions.”

An email: Salary of the prospective groom must be 3-6 times more than the salary of the prospective bride.

“I want to take my own time, get a job, then think whether or not to get married. But, I can’t tell my parents all this.”

‘We grew up in a very liberal family. We knew what our limits were and our focus was our education. We never betrayed our parents.’

Are these advises and suggestions possible for an Average Indian Woman to even consider? Will she be able to think that way… educate me

Shadi ke baad ladki ki PRIORITY sasuraal ki taraf ho jaati hai?

16 thoughts on ““…it’s better if he is NOT a family guy. Extra points to the one who hates kids.”

  1. Wow! Now I want to marry her…
    While the entire exercise might be sarcastic, I think the part about the kind of man she’s looking for seems to be very honest.
    Agree IHM, definitely positive!

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  2. Nice reply by her. I support her.

    But you know what IHM it will be women of her age group who will frown upon her for having expectations and keeping it front. “Aise thodi h chalta h.”

    Aunty ji will frown upon how she will find such guy. Because for guys also it is get married, stay provider.

    She can meet person of similar interest if both are open to discuss about interest and life. But that’s certain level of friendship to open up. But then what will happen to Indian culture.

    One more thing which I found hilarious was this “adult child”. How come its possible to be both at same time . Childhood and Adulthood are different phase of life based on age and maturity. How we can be both at same time.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ha, nice! My friend started a FB page for me called No Arranged Marriage for Kavita at the height of parental harassment. It’s still operational, though I never really did much with it.

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  4. Hi
    Just came to your blog via blogadda.
    Enjoyed reading it.
    Our society can never change for better, girls with different set of priorities are always looked down upon.
    Ambitious girls are considered harmful. icing on this cake is if she is mentally not prepared to conceive, is considered shameful.
    Most of ‘us’ start and end our lives bearing all sorts of heaviness.
    #hopeful #sublime #faith
    Regards
    Swati

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  5. I really applaud her courage. Women like her are as rare as the snow leopard; and equally endangered.

    As Tulika pointed out, it will be other women her own age who will work the hardest to tear her down.

    Unfortunately, Indian Culture thrives because women are conditioned to see each other as adversaries, not comrades-in-arms.

    I am not optimistic that she will meet a man who has the same passion for life.

    If anything, Indian men are even more heavily conditioned than are Indian women. Indian parents sometimes loosen the ropes that they bind daughters with, they almost never allow a son to grow wings and fly away.

    The amount of freedom given to daughters is increasing with every generation. Parental expectations of sons have remained unchanged for centuries.

    I hope that she doesn’t join the scores of women who write to IHM complaining about their mama’s boy husbands.

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  6. Kudos to this girl! It reeks on honesty and guts.

    I’ve been reading her Fb page and this post in particular which has 13441 likes and 1043 comments as of now. Most of the men and women who have commented have given her a biggggg thumbs up and wished her well. But some, women in particular find the “hate kids” area difficult to digest and are almost saying to her “lets see what happens to you in a few years” types. I can’t wrap my head around why (some) people can’t digest what others want or don’t want in their life. So what if she does not want to have kids? Is that such a crime? At least she is being honest about it and wants a partner who feels the same. Why is it such a crime to not want what is considered normal? Does that make her any less of a woman?

    There are many girls, women even men out there who don’t want kids. There are many couples who are healthy and don’t want kids. There are many couples who are healthy, but are unable to have kids. Some have a problem and are unable to have kids–few are ok with that and carry on with their lives, few want to undergo all sorts of medical assistance and crave for that one child. Few just adopt–if they have a medical problem or not. I know many women of my age who have teenage kids and are so happy that their share of taking care of screaming kids are over. They just can’t stand to be around kids now–well behaved or not. They dread their time coming for the next round—-their grand kids.

    Overall, her thoughts have been echoed by many youngsters and few people in their 50’s too. Just wish men and women are more honest in their views and have the guts to stand by what they want in life, rather than give into emotional blackmail and just “survive” though their life, instead of living it.

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  7. I loved what Indu did. Kudos to her. One of my regrets to this day is that I didn’t do anything when my parents put up an advertisement in the newspaper that “Groom wanted for a god loving, homely, docile and soft spoken brahmin girl”. This post just raked up those memories. I also hated the fact that I did not do anything and just “went with the flow” and decked up like a cow in a mela. The end result thankfully is that I got a great set of in-laws and an awesome husband. Bottom line, I will never ever let my daughter do this. Never!

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  8. Indhuja, if you’re reading this, I don’t want kids either, never did. It was a specification for me when choosing a life parter. 15 years later, guess what? No regrets. All those who are lecturing you about this issue should stop projecting their aspirations onto you.

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  9. Pingback: “I have met a lot of Indian guys who say their parents have done a lot for them so they can’t leave them now…” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  10. A little late since this was months ago,

    But I have read an article regarding her and I give her a thumbs up. She may be lambasted by the old folks..but you know, who cares. She knows she has only one life to live, so she might live it her way than just follow the herd and please society. Wish I met her🙂

    Like

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