‘It’s true that every girl has to leave her own family and get along with a new family.’

Sharing a comment by Cultural Amalgamation in response to this post – An email from a Happily Married Indian Daughter in law.

Cultural Amalgamation: All the above replies reflect the current Young Gen society where the rate of separation with better half is more than that of bonding with love and affection as earlier times.

IHM:  Did the women in the earlier times have the option of separating without being boycotted, stigmatised or honor killed? Only if both the partners had the option of separating and they still chose to stay together, can we comment on the earlier ‘rate of separation’.

Cultural Amalgamation: Being individually separate and gardening your identities isn’t all life is about. Its just a notion begun by some liberal women and followed as a trend by the rest like the fashion sale at stores!

 

IHM: And being denied education and self reliance and being married off to live with strangers is what life is about? 

The concept of marriage is not well identified with everyone. The Love marriages husbands have no choice for they already have landed in soup. So they leave their parents behaving like cowards. Arrange marriages also have girls who have radical views. Google-ing such articles and hoping to change minds with family-dismantling views is really a disappointing and a pathetic situation for the present youth to be in.

 

IHM: Why is the children (only male children) moving out of the house (only if are married, because moving out for work is acceptable) a dismantling of family?  

Someday the gals who talk about liberty are going to be in their mother-in-laws shoes and they would realize when their Son moves out of house with some girl who he likes and doesn’t even know if he loves for the duration a quarter of the entire love and affection showered by his parents who always have been looking after his well being.

IHM: We really need to recognise that parental love for sons (And for daughters, because we seem to forget that Indian daughters have parents too.) is not the same as the love that couples have for each other. The spouse is a partner, not a parent. The spouse’s job is not to ‘look after’ the partner. 

Parents raise their children to become independent adults and teaching him (or her) to look after their own well being is a parent’s biggest responsibility. 

Somehow we seem to think that male children are required to somehow repay the love that the parents have showered on them. The girl children are expected to repay it too – with life long obedience to patriarchal rules. 

Cultural Amalgamation: Its true that every girl has to leave her own family and get along with a new family.

IHM: This idea is the reason why Indian parents pray, fast and sex-select for male children. Patrilocality favours the parens of male children.

It also keeps women and girl children in dependence, without which ‘has to get along with a new family’ would be difficult to enforce. 

Cultural Amalgamation: It is difficult to absorb but then it is equally difficult for the other side (family) too.

IHM: When it is ‘equally difficult’ for both the sides, then why do we hear misogynists fighting for Patriarchy, and Patrilocality?

Is it surprising that many women today prefer less difficult choices? 

Cultural Amalgamation: In modern days not all families have mother in laws/father in laws as showcased (cruel/orthodox) in classical drama movies.

IHM: If they are not orthodox they probably understand that modern young women (and men) should have the right to choose who they marry, where they live, what they wear, how they spend or save their money etc.

Cultural Amalgamation: Its all about beginning a new life and being absorbed and getting absorbed.

IHM: How do women benefit from being ‘absorbed’ in a new family?

They don’t.

Infact it makes them ‘paraya dhan’ in their own parents’ homes. We know the system has not worked, but many of us still wish to preserve it.

Cultural Amalgamation: It is an opportunity for every woman to help prosper her husband’s family and its also equally a responsibility that every family (parents) takes care of the daughter in law as they would do if she were their daughter.

IHM: Because daughters are viewed as those who help the husband’s family prosper, they remain unwanted by the parents. Since (traditionally) the daughters have not been permitted to prosper themselves, they remain dependent. 

54 thoughts on “‘It’s true that every girl has to leave her own family and get along with a new family.’

  1. I think I threw up a little in my mouth. Kudos to IHM for actually having the patience to reply!

    Let me get this straight. It (yes it’s an it folks, no sentience detected) says:

    1) Men leaving their homes after marriage are ‘cowards’
    BUT
    Women leaving their homes after marriage = ‘true’ (that’s all.. no logic or explanation applied)

    2) Men moving away for work are ‘dismantling family’
    BUT
    Women moving away for marriage (work is not even considered) = again just ‘true’

    3) Women should help prosper their husband’s family (and have amnesia over their own families)
    BUT
    What men should do for women’s families = (not even considered, tumbleweed, silence, zilch)

    4) Women will some day have sons and be MILs and understand
    BUT
    Those who become women’s parents and MILs of sons will still understand nothing (apparently ‘understanding’ also depends on whether you give you birth to penis-havers).

    He has completely contradictory rules based on nothing but people’s genitals. How does that automatically decide whether moving out becomes ‘cowardice’ or ‘truth’? Not even an attempt of logic, not even the fake ‘scientific reasons for crappy tradition’ type logic.

    Also, ‘this is true’ is worst argument ever. I and my husband live away from both our families and spend equal time, money, affection on both. We split making money as well as household chores (even cooking, HAWW). Ergo, his theory = NOT true. I have proven it false. It was easy.

    It is clear why they want to keep women uneducated, dependant and ideally married off as a child. Because anyone who can read at all will smell the bullshit miles away. But shock horror, I have a vagina AND I can read. This man’s time is up. Whether he likes it or not.

    Liked by 7 people

  2. God, I don’t know where to being with.. Every line of this letter makes me angry.

    First of all, it is called extended-family for a reason because it comes after my actual family (The people who gave birth to me and fed me until I got on my own feet, just to be clear)…

    And then for the millionth time, why should ONLY girls move out of their family and get along with a bunch of strangers we are just getting to meet. As tough as it is to just make a relationship with a stranger work, girls have the extra burden to pleeeease the guy’s family just because he has a different alphabet in his chromosomes?

    All these people who write these s**t never give you a logical or a rational reason as to why should things be the way they are. they only pull out age old emotional bullshit (like parents loving their son for a quarter of his life time) or the name of culture. Don’t parents of girl children love them at all? how is it fair to expect only girls to move out , understand, get along or any such thing? Why should any rule be different for the same species? Do they even think for a second to see the double standards and hypocrisy here? And what kind of parents want to cling onto their kids forever like parasites? If that’s how it is what is the point of growing up? Aren’t we all individuals and not herds?

    I have actually seen my mother grow up emotionally along with me, in every stage of my life. She was an over-protecting mother when I was a child. But she never suffocated me with her choices of life-style as I grew up and has always respected even when I disagree. Now that would be the kind of a person I would wanna share a bond with, not the ones who try to control me forever. How hard is that to understand.

    Like

    • Unfortunately, many women think that traditions and customs are benign, sacred and oh-so-romantic.

      I know many apparently educated and independent women who think that touching the husband’s feet on Karva Chauth is “romantic”.

      These are tough, independent, successful women. They do this because, deep down, society has programmed them to believe that subservience and sacrifice define a “real” woman.

      If a woman doesn’t embody these “feminine qualities”, they feel, she’s betraying her parents’ upbringing and is letting them down.

      Very few women have the courage and honesty to admit, publicly, that they’d rather receive real respect, not the fake kind reserved for “sanskari” women

      Liked by 1 person

  3. One of the main problems is
    we have failed to teach parents that raising kids is not a sacrifice.
    Once you CHOOSE to give birth, you have to raise them. its not sacrifice, it’s a byproduct of having kids.

    the parents of sons seem ot have failed to get this and to some extent the parents od daughters too .
    till the parents get this theres not much hope. it’s a vicious cycle of the great indian ponzi scheme. i give birth, i raise you, you give back to me, sacrifice of your kids, they give back to you… never ending.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Problem is that everyone thinks that its normal. Its how the things should happen. In this if people suffer then the logic is that people have to suffer this way or that way. But this way has zero divorce then it is better way at least we are able to save marriage.

    But we don’t realize that struggle is part of life and we should struggle for becoming free rather than being slave.

    It took lots of reasoning for me too understand the boundaries of relationships and right or wrong. And it happened on this blog. I think IHM’s blog should be converted in book and should be taught in school so that the mindset of people changes.

    Like

    • ” zero divorce then it is better way at least we are able to save marriage”

      The thing is that they are not saving marriages, they are saving the status quo.

      They don’t care about dead and broken marriages.Your marriage might be dead and buried but you cannot ask for a divorce if you are financially and emotionally dependent. The in-laws will still have a little slave working for them, the ‘patidev’ has someone available legal rape and society gets an incubator for male babies. In fact the worse your marriage the better almost, because then the in-laws won’t ‘lose’ their son.

      Saving a marriage would mean saving the relationship between the two people who are married. None of our systems are geared towards that and no one cares about that.

      Liked by 2 people

      • This is what people think of. Even if the marriage is dead, even girl is burnt alive, even if she is forced to abort but still it should not end up in divorce because hardship is faced in life but at least we are saving our face i.e marriage.

        And women who stand up against these things are called with names.

        Like

  5. He is just not one guy who have such views, 8 out of 10 men in partriarchal society have the same views which is so insensitive and toxic. For them women are not human being and should not have heart to feel emotions, women should have switch somehere in them which they just turn off when got married. All emotions, reasoning, logic that she learnt throughout her life should be deleted from memory and behave like a mule in his family. This is what such 8 out of 10 men expect.
    Western culture is so much better when it comes to freedom of women. I dont meant to insult Indian culture but being an Indian woman, I have no respect for so-called Indian culture.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. A bit about myself – I am educated not just literate which means I can differentiate right from wrong, genuine from bullshit and know very well when someone is trying to take me for a ride,when someone does not have my best interests at heart, but actually promoting their own cause. I am not even saying this from a marriage point of view, but in a very general sense.
    Coupled with that I am street smart, independent, earn a great package, fearless, brutally frank and what not. I don’t need a man to protect me, to provide shelter, food, clothes for me.
    But I did want (and found) someone who matches my wit, makes me laugh, who is my equal,makes me laugh, is a true companion, a best friend.
    Now coming to the equation in indian marriages (love or arranged, does not matter)
    – girl leaves house, boy stays on in the comfort and familiarity childhood home
    – girl emotionally, physically distances( forced?) herself from her natal family, boy – N/A
    – girl makes husband, husband ka mumma pappa, husband ka sister, husband ka maama chacha top priority, Boy – N/A. Oh wait, boy comes to girl’s house and later complains , so and so of your family did not talk properly to me
    – futher continued with above point, girl makes husband top priority, but for boy, parents remain top priority or the really best case scenario, girl gets almost as much priority as parents after she has ‘PROVED’ herself at his house.
    – girl takes over all the household chores from boy’s mother and balances her career along with it or career takes backseat as household chores more important. Can continue job as long as the working hours are not too much and do not come in the way of doing houselhold chores.
    No matter that until marriage, she had worked equally hard at college, office for her career.
    boy – N/A
    – other miscellaneous things like dressing, talking etc etc according to boy’s parents.
    Boy- oh didn’t wear wedding ring even on wedding day..chuckle..boys you know!😉

    So why would I (or any self respecting independent woman) opt for the above when we can feed ,support ourselves ? well may be if we got hit on the head and got soft in the head??? or in some cases where girls are emotionally blackmailed by their own parents to maintain the status quo and their ‘izzat’, and prove that they come from a ‘sanskari’ house?
    The point being that no one is happy in a such situation and the status quo is being maintained through pure brute force for personal gains.
    Would you ever partner up in business with a guy when the conditions of the deal are that all profits are his and all losses are yours?

    Liked by 1 person

  7. oh no women should have emotions and love, but just for his family.🙂
    isn’t that the purpose of marriage to turn off your love for you family and turn it on for his !!!!

    Like

    • But… but… indian culture! Ancient aviation! Secret, enchanting vibrations in old temples! Westerners divorcing, teen pregnancing and patenting yoga and basmati rice! Our culture is right about everything!

      You’re clearly an evil, family destroying kaikeyi who doesn’t understand her limits as a woman… look at you being so brazen and encouraging all these other women who are cheering you on!:-/

      // end sarcasm

      Like

  8. The First thought after reading this post which came to my mind is that, those who have not lived in old times, use it as a justification. Like seriously. My sil works in world bank on these issues and we were talking about this same topic, first thing she said that we have tons of scientific and well researched data which prove otherwise.
    Access to medical help, mental help, education opportunities, clean food and water are all so much better now.
    The biggest issues guys (and I stay in Canada so looking at Indian guy’s view in my immediate circle – including PhDs, engineers and doctors) have is that they have legs in both places. They want smart and educated wife expecting them to follow their mothers/culture to make it convinent for the guys and their families only.
    The super strong fevicol like hold patrichy have on Indian men and to a bigger extend on women is sickening as well as amazing in a wose way.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Absolutely disgusting. Indians tell themselves lies so many times that they think it has become the truth! Indian sanskaars, cultures, traditions can lick my ass! A society where all women, lower caste people (probably making up 90% of our population) are marginalised in the name of culture and continues to successfully propagate it is certainly something astonishing!
    The other day my own sweet aunt sent a forwarded message to us on whats app on the innumerable health benefits of the social customs (badges) that married indian have to wear – sindoor, nosepin, chutki, mangalsutra, payal and whatever other shit required to brand her as married. I replied back to her that if the health benefits are so significant, I wonder why Indian men are deprived of it. They should also start wearing these things. Guess what – no response from her, probably a silent whine for me being the modern woman/bitch. If I can’t change the people in my own family then what hope do I have of changing the country. And this aunt of mine is a lovely person but social conditioning and years of servitude does this. My mom wears a bindi but there is a difference between fashion and oppression.
    So the man writing that article is no different. These are the flag bearers of patriarchy.

    Like

    • Just like Fantasy/Science Fiction is science and mythology is history in India, tradition is science! But it shows so much insecurity when people try to justify the need for these symbols through pseudo-science. It’s as though they know the “you have to because you’re a woman” line of reasoning is not enough anymore.

      Like

      • I totally agree with your views.I recently got married and I m force to follow all the tradions that my in laws follow.I have to compulsorily wear sari and all the jwellery.In a city like Pune you can hardly see anyone wearing sari and if you go to malls or restaurants in sari people think that either you are uneducated or from lower class and will start giving u that strange look and some of them will talk in hindi only.Even I m not comfortable in sari.I don’t know why in India people are so reluctant to change.why here daughter in law can’t be seen as a daughter.After marriage we are leaving our family ,our career everything but at least we should be given freedom to wear whatever we want. I believe that all the indian women know there sanskar and it is out of that sanskar that we respect our elders .But here only if a women wears sari,put a pallu on her head and each time someone comes she has to touch their feet, has to take care of food and everything than only she is sanskari.

        Like

    • Now your aunt is the real woman Indian culture is depending on, one who uses modern/scientific technology to promote and propagate illogical, unproven symbols as scientific trademarks of what ever…

      When first the printing press became cheaper in India desi elite printed religious fliers to promote certain fasts, remember those threats “if you read this send ten post cards or else something bad will happen.” Once PA systems became cheaper they went around announcing jagarans and religious gatherings from town to town. It is same now just that they sit at home and use key board to promote absurdity.
      Most interesting to me was South Indian men in early 1900s wearing dhothi with button down shirts with tie and belt. Real mix of old and modern.Check Malgudi days…
      DG

      Like

      • I am amazed at the depth of knowledge that you possess about Indian socio-cultural mores in the initial decades of the 20th century.

        Your comments are invaluable to me.

        Like

  10. IHM, your responses are spot on, completely rational, and meticulously address every assertion. Great post.
    I sometimes wonder if patrilocality is the biggest obstacle to an Indian woman’s happiness. Yes, there are a host of other issues. But so many problems revolve around trying to make a woman fit into her husband’s clan and the concept is fundamentally so flawed that it all starts going downhill from there.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. “Being individually separate and gardening your identities isn’t all life is about. Its just a notion begun by some liberal women and followed as a trend by the rest like the fashion sale at stores!”

    What’s wrong with being individually separate and gardening your identities? What’s the problem exactly? I don’t get what this guy is whining about. Maybe his DIL or wife? didn’t say “how high” when he said “jump”.

    Like

  12. Wow !! Dont know what to say…anyways as a mother of a little boy who will eventually grow up in to a man.I have no issue if he moves in/marries a girl of his choice.I have no such expectations that they should stay with us n do my seva, follow all bullshit rules.
    My future DIL is free to work for her prosparity .I am pretty happy with mine.

    Like

  13. I am sorry. I don’t have IHM’s patience. I was gritting my teeth when I was reading that.

    Is it really so difficult to notice the ingrained misogyny and patriarchy in our online.

    A few minutes ago, my mother called and said that they were observing the customary ten-day period of mourning for a distant cousin of my father’s.

    My mother lost a dearly loved sister last year, but no formal period of mourning was observed, because she was from the “wife’s side” and thus not technically “our family”.

    So my poor mother has to observe a ten-day period of mourning for my father’s cousin, whom she met once a year, but none for a dearly loved sister, because she was from the “maaika”.

    Out of curiosity, I asked her what the official period of mourning was for a woman who lost her parents or siblings.

    A day and a half, came the answer, because the parents are not family for a married woman.

    So a distant relative from the husband’s side is entitled to a formal mourning period, but not the wife’s parents, because she is no longer their daughter.

    I ask all the readers here. Whose death would you mourn more? Your father’s? Or that of your husband’s third cousin?

    Then why do we have such cruel customs that do not permit women to officially mourn the death of “her family” just because she “belongs” to another family?

    Is a woman movable property whose ownership can be transferred upon marriage?

    Liked by 2 people

    • I agree! And by mourning period, what do we even mean? How can you mourn the death of someone you’re not even connected to?! Besides, if you really feel the loss of someone passing away, do we actually require a “mourning period”? Cry for your parents for 1.5 days and then get on with life as usual?

      Some things in our culture are really really really (not enough “really” that I can write) stupid!

      Liked by 1 person

    • Gosh, I would fume at this even when I was a teen. It made no sense to me. But now that I live on my own, I shall mourn whom I like. This is such bullshit and even women enforce these rules. It’s disgusting!

      Like

    • A bit off topic from man’s vs woman’s worth to our society but in the context of blind beliefs – Among my relatives, there is also the custom of not touching someone who’s relative passed away. So Person A’s 3rd cousin passes away. Person A’s wife who has never met this 3rd cousin must mourn him for 10 days. Not only that, ANYONE in this family (here family = anyone with this last name which could run into 100s of people) becomes untouchable for 10 days, which is needless to say extremely inconvenient not to mention humiliating. It doesn’t occur to any one of them to question this insanity.

      Like

      • Haha. Thank you Wordssetmefree. I guess I have some news for an orthodox aunt of mine who’s taken up on herself the mantle of being the family “culture custodian”.

        I am going to tell her about this not touching other people business. I am going to say, “See, there are some customs that even you don’t know about.”🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • Some of these things used to make sense when people used to live under the same roof and contagious diseases claimed a lot of lives. When you don’t have antibiotics and antiseptics (beyond tumeric and tulsi), it is wise to keep away from someone who was in close contact with a person who probably died of an infection.

        Over time, though, common sense has eroded and it’s been replaced with this endless nonsense. Now even post-death rituals have become a matter of status and loyalty.

        Liked by 1 person

    • I am muslim shia !We have standard 3 day mourning in the house where death has occurred ! Remote relatives have no mourning to do only the kin related by direct blood ties and to conduct fateha ( brief prayers) !
      On third day, we have symbolic sweet tasting ritual which indicates – get on with your life !
      On first three days ,we feed fateha food to community members and kin ,brief dal chawal !
      In fact its so hectic, family members sometimes don’t even have time to mourn !
      I sat and cried for my mom after everyone left !I was so tired and after seven days of her death ,it hit me and for days I couldn’t stop !

      Like

  14. IHM, I applaud your patience in sitting down and addressing each and every ridiculous notion this person seems to be harbouring. I wouldn’t have had the self-restraint you continue to show when you try to provide intelligent responses to such utter BS.

    Like

  15. I find this ridiculous. And I say this as someone who’s recently moved into my father-in-law’s house with my husband (and I love it as it’s a completely non-traditional set up). My FIL takes great care to treat me as an equal to my husband and his brother (my BIL) and I absolutely love living here. But my case seems to be an exception to the rule.

    “trend by the rest like the fashion sale at stores!”–yup, just like a fashion sale. Well guess what? Women seem to like whatever it is that’s being sold (equality? freedom? self respect?) and there’s nothing people like you can do about it except whine in forums like this. The fact that you’re whining means that society’s moving forward…so, buck up and get used to it.

    Like

  16. Its even worst for girls’ only parents ! They are left alone in old age even by girls they educated and then married off ! The guy’s parents get everything, home cooked food,care while girls parents have to fend for themselves !
    Speaking from my experience, after my mom died ,dad though independent ,.,.he can’t do much for him self especially cooking,etc !in my absence he eats dabba food ! I am not married so my sisters have dumped emotional, mental and physical support of dad on me ! They are busy with their marriages and I doubt whether they spend five minutes of thought on dad and his wellbeing !
    From my own experience, I doubt even women take care of their parents after they get married ! In my sisters case,they seem to be totally stuck with fevicol to their husbands ! I wonder they want to do anything for their parents !They are educated,had love marriage s with rebellion ,earning well !
    I guess all daughters are not created equal !
    Our case is unique ,…..but in general only girls parents have to be prepared for lonely old age !
    Indian culture is so messed up,…..why would anyone want girls and worst only girl/girls child ?

    Like

  17. Sorry IHM, move out of the way. I want to reply to some specific points in that comments.

    //All the above replies reflect the current Young Gen society where the rate of separation with better half is more than that of bonding with love and affection as earlier times. Being individually separate and gardening your identities isn’t all about life. Its just a notion begun by some liberal women and followed as a trend by the rest like the fashion sale at stores!//
    That is precisely what life is all about. When a new generation come along, they are already adapted to the new surroundings. Obviously, traditionally Indians do coward around the same place, same house they born in, their progress in life is zero. When it comes to taking decisions in life, they look upon their parents, thus negating their life. Also this is not a notion begun by some liberal woman, that’s sexist, just because whoever you are, are coward. Doesn’t mean everyone is.

    //The concept of marriage is not well identified with everyone.The Love marriages husbands have no choice for they already have landed in soup. So they leave their parents behaving like cowards.//
    That is a highly judgemental statement coming from a person who has never loved anyone. Anthropologically, finding your partner is one of the three biological decisions a man makes, having denied that we can safely say that most of the Indians like you are not mature adults. Considering the number of rape cases and other social evil, we can confirm this is true.

    //Arrange marriages also have girls who have radical views.Google-ing such articles and hopeing to change minds with family dismantling views is really a disappointing and pathetic situation of the present youth.//
    Really thats messed up. Someone find a museum for this person.

    //Someday the gals who talk about liberty are going to be in their mother-in-laws shoes and they would realize when their Son moves out of house with some girl who he likes and doesn’t even know if he loves for the duration a quarter of the entire love and affection showered by his parents who always have been looking after his well being.//
    Personally, I would like to kick my kids out of the house when they turn 18. If they did choose me over someone they love, they will never hear the end of it.

    //Its true that every girl has to leave her own family and get along with a new family.It is difficult to absorb but then it is equally difficult for the other side(family) too.
    In modern days not all families have mother in laws/father in laws as showcased (cruel/orthodox) in classical drama movies.//
    The traditional Hindu culture (I am assuming this person is talking about hindu culture, if not sorry for the comment) suggests that after 51 the old should leave the house and embark on pilgrimage. Clearly don’t see the ‘traditional’ family doing that, do we?

    //Its all about beginning a new life and being absorbed and getting absorbed.It is an opportunity for every woman to prosper her husband’s family and its also equally a responsibility that every family (parents) takes care of the daughter in law as they would do if she were their daughter//
    And clearly missing here is the daughters family, the sons ideology or even the chemistry between husband and wife. Isn’t it?

    Ok coming to you IHM, nice post, you answered decently, I have given up on these people.

    Like

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