Sharing an email.
Dear readers and IHM,
I am sure EVERYONE will be able to relate to my story. (at least some part of it). I will keep it as short as possible . I got married like any other girl with lot of dreams in her eyes : NOT of materialistic wealth in her married life, but dreams if being treated lovingly by her husband (mine was a love marriage, why wouldn’t I expect the same love that made us choose each other to continue and keep building exponentially in our married life ).
May be I was naive .
Mother in law came in the picture .
She single handedly DESTROYED our relation .
I do not feel the need to go into much details about what all drama happened, cause my question and the advice I seek is not about how to handle that drama.
So mother in law/ monster in law had a two step process.
One: she was brainwashing/ putting words in my husband s mouth : and he would constantly fight with me in the first three months of our marriage.
It’s worth mentioning that the first three months we were apart ( hubby and me) cause of visa issues. So I was in sasuraal without hubby.
Second trick that my monster in law used was : she would never tell my hubby about anything good I do, but she would twist and manipulate the tiniest thing that can be used against me into a huge melodrama .
My hubby used to call his parents twice daily and talk about every minor and major thing going on.
Like I said may be I was v naive and thought he knew everything that is going on in his house. ( he knew the twisted manipulated version and not the truth)
It was after one and a half years of marriage that we had a huge fight and everything came out in the open ( this was at a time when just him n me were living together in uk away from the monster in law):- he was totally BLANK. He had no clue about the events that transpired at his parents’ house.
And only then I got to know the BIGGEST game monster in law had played all this time.
After that our relation improved tremendously.
He never asked me to call his mother, ask her how she is; never asked me to visit her when we travel to India, basically never expected anything from me in regard to his mother cause he saw through the EVIL game she played.
So things are realllly goooood.
But it took one and a half years for the truth to come out.
Which led to two damages :- before he knew the truth we used to fight a lot cause he knew a twisted version of events ( LIES ABSOLUTE LIES) : which would make him feel d need to call me and yell at me and fight with me and say super nasty things . He would also call my mom and my Masi ( mom’s sister ): and say super nasty things about me every other day and complain about me.
All this was mainly happening when I was in sasuraal without him, in other words the first three months of marriage.
Now my question dear readers is :- how to move on. Move on from the bitterness that remains somewhere in my subconscious for the NASTY things he said about me specially in the initial three months.
I know as of today he supports me immensely and would never let his mother treat me in a nasty way.
But I feel that the initial three months have caused a irreversible damage to our relation and now things can never be as lovey dovey as they were to begin with. I struggle with that daily . There is kind of a tug of war going on. A part of my brain says he is super nice now and has been ever since he saw through the games that were being played. So I also try to be extra loving towards him In action : but my subconscious mind keeps reminding me of the initial nastiness: n fears that he is capable of that kind of behaviour. What if he turns into the emotionally abusive husband that he was in the first three months of marriage again? What if his family/ monster in law manage to brain wash him again …. You know the kind of partly rational partly irrational fears remain. So does the anger and the negativity from those memories and the resentment .
I have a second question: which is again related to my first question : and on similar lines:- I have a lot of bitterness and anger towards my monster in law too. LOADS. I do not want a relation with her. I do not want to see her ever again in my life. I want to be at peace with the past. I do not want to keep feeling hurt over the things she did. She said innumerous nasty things to me too. And it’s not just bout saying nasty things, it’s also about her super nasty actions.
Our marriage came soooooo close to divorce because of the games she was playing . Me and my widow mother went through emotional hell cause of the broken dreams and heartache associated with loving someone and them breaking your heart over and over again. I want to move on . By move on I do not mean forgive her and try to have a loving relation with her. By moving on I mean just letting go of the traumatic memories of the past and not let that interfere with me living a life of peace / inner peace !
But I do not know how to move on !
Kindly advise if you readers feel you have been in similar situations and from experience you have learnt ways to move on !