Sharing a positive comment submitted in response this email. “He has decided that we will stop trying to have a child now as he wants things to improve between his mother and I.”
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I am saddened to read that many people here think that a second divorce is the end of the world.
I have been divorced twice and two years ago, remarried for a third time. I am happily married now and always wonder what my life would have been like if I had stayed married to my second husband, who was emotionally abusive, controlling and a complete mama’s boy.
After enduring 18 months of an abusive marriage, a marriage where I was denided basic respect, where my parents were harrass and disrespected, I was suicidal.
At the time, I was convinced that suicide is better than being divorced for a second time. I knew I could not live anymore as a virtual slave in my husband’s house.
I had an arranged marriage the second time. Like the letter-writer, I too wanted a child desperately.
I was 35, and had wanted children for as long as I could remember.
I had married my first husband with the understanding that we would adopt a child because he didn’t want children.
I was living in the US on a dependent visa, unable to work despite a graduate degree from an American university.
As our marriage entered the fifth year, I began to put increasing pressure on my first husband for a child.
Somewhere along the way, he had changed his mind but did not want to be blamed for doing so. He already had a dependent wife, he probably figured it was time to cut his losses.
Shortly, after our fifth wedding anniversary, he convinced me to return to India for a few months, “for a break”. We, would discuss children after I returned, he said.
I returned gladly, looking forward to the vacation. Yet a few months turned into six, six turned into a year. My husband had stopped taking my calls, changed his US address and phone number, cut off all contact with me.
After another year, I sent him notice for a divorce by mutual consent. I had to threaten him with legal measures like having his passport impounded to force him to come to India as I did not want an ex-parte divorce because of the length of time involved.
After enduring the trauma of a first divorce, I took five years to heal myself and reestablish myself.
I finished an MBA and began my professional career from scratch again. All through this, I hungered for a child.
One day, out of the blue, a marriage proposal arrived through a “marriage bureau”.
I have always wanted a family and since my first marriage had been a love marriage, after having known my ex-husband for seven years, I’d become cynical about choice marriages.
Blinded by the ticking of my biological clock, I agreed to an arranged marriage after some reservations.
A week into my second marriage, I discovered that my husband was a complete mama’s boy. As far as he was concerned, I was just a commodity, a service-provider with no rights, only obligations.
He was confident that a woman who had previously been divorced would stay in the marriage for fear of social disrepute, and treated me with utter contempt. I only existed to fulfil the needs of his family, as a submissive, obedient wife and daughter-in-law.
I was just a glorified slave; and my parents were treated with similar contempt because they were the “ladkiwale”.
I endured disrespect, abuse and neglect simply because I was afraid of a second divorce; much like the LW.
I knew I could not watch silently as my parents were disrespected and abused.
After 18 months of trying my best to make my marriage work, I admitted to myself that my husband would never treat me like a human being.To him, I was just a possession, a belonging to be used as he pleased.
In late 2010, I began feeling suicidal. I began to believe that suicide is better than a second divorce.
Thankfully, I signed up for a yoga and spirituality course just when I was convinced that I would either kill myself or become severely depressed.
I began meditating regularly, began to focus on my work and prepared myself psychologically for a second divorce.
Convincing my second husband for second divorce was another uphill task. He put me through one year of uncertainty as he tried to wriggle out for fear of social ridicule.
I got my divorce decree in April 2012.
I was emotionally spent, bursting with anger and blind rage for having to live in a society where only women were held responsible for the failure of a marriage.
I continued to meditate, focussed on my work and eventually met a man that I fell in love with.
This time, I did not act from a place of fear and desperation. I spent a lot of time getting to know my husband, explaining my emotional baggage and building trust and respect.
I married again six months ago. My third marriage is nothing like my first two.
I was always walking on eggshells around the first two husbands. I was nervous, scared and could never shake off a feeling of inadequacy.
I felt controlled, unhappy and disrespected. In my present marriage, I sleep easy at night knowing that I will never be forced to do anything that causes me discomfort.
I feel so light and relaxed. I don’t have to give up important parts of my identity for the sake of my marriage. I am not forced to tolearte disrespect.
I still have an abusive mother-in-law, but my current husband and his extended family ensure that I never have to deal with her.
I have written such a long comment here because I want the LW to know that nothing is the end of the world.
NOBODY has the right to tell you to endure disrespect and abuse just because a second divorce is social frowned upon in our society.
It’s YOUR life LW, do what is in your best interest. Don’t allow anyone to browbeat you.
Don’t allow anyone to convince you that you should endure disrespect just because a second divorce is not an option.
ALL your options are open for you, just like they were one year ago, when you were not yet married.
Gather your strength, spend a long time thinking what your priorities are, what you truly desire.
People will gossip for a few months if you were to divorce again, some people will choose not to associate with you. Good riddance.
Don’t stay in this marriage if your only motivation is fear of social disapproval.
Remember, you only live once. Nobody will give you a medal if you stay on in an unhappy, restrictive, oppressive marriage.
Before you know it, your best years will be behind you, and you will be left with a lifetime of regrets.
Whatever decisionyoutakeshouldcome from a place of confidence and conviction, not fear and desperation.
Live life with your head high. No one has power over you unless you give it to them.
All the best!