‘My parents will be ignored and ridiculed. No one will let them forget my so called shameful behaviour.’

“… It will be like throwing them to the wolves.”

Why do we need family (or a community or a society)? What is the purpose? What is the least that you expect from a Society or a Community or Family that you belong to? 

How much would you be willing to compromise on your expectations? Would you permit blackmail or threats in return of whatever the community provides for you? 

(An average Indian is raised to understand all about what the more powerful members in a society/community expect from it’s members)

Sharing an email from a young Indian woman.

Hi,

I read your blog and I was able to relate to a lot of articles. You see I am also going through the same issue of convincing my parents for intercaste marriage.  I am a *** and the guy I love is a ****, from a lower caste. Personally I don’t believe in all this but my family does. They are opposed to the entire idea of marrying a non *** and that too lower caste. I am in a big fix.

Ours is a 8 year relationship. I tried everything to convince them but to no avail. It’s been more than a year now that I disclosed about my wish to marry that guy. All my family members, cousins, extended family are trying to discourage from my decision. Cousins who are only in their early 30s and may be even younger are against intercaste marriage. Its either choose that guy or your family.

My dad has taken an oath he will never accept me nor let my mom accept me. And I have seen examples where he has broken ties with a certain relative over small issues. I fear he will stand true to his oath. **** are a conservative community. Such cases are seen as very humiliating for the parents who then stop socialising and going out.

If at all my parents accept me, my family will not allow them. They say they will cut ties with my parents as well, if they support me. At this juncture I stand to lose the safety and security of my family. My parents will be ignored and ridiculed constantly by not just community but family members as well cos my decision will affect them also somewhere.  No one will let them forget my so called shameful behaviour. I can’t bear to see them like that.

Now I am thinking of giving up for the sake of my parents but the thought of life without that guy and with someone else of my parents’ choice is equally frightening. Here I stand to lose all my dreams and hopes for a future and life of my choice and liking. The guy has always been supportive and understanding. It not his fault to suffer so much. Thoughts of leaving him is tearing me apart. There is a lot of emotional upheaval going on with me.

I am out of my depth here trying to decide what to do. Please advice.

Second email:

They say with time you will forget him and get on with your life. Their argument is a woman whose spouse dies that women also moves on and marries somewhere down the line. She doesn’t die with him or stay unhappy for life.

The new development since 2 days is that they have already started alienating my parents. they have cut all contact and gradually breaking ties with them. Just because their daughter is maligning their name as well.

My parents, who don’t support me, blame me for their suffering. At a time like this it’s like throwing them to the wolves.

Related Posts:

Love Marriages spoil the Family System of our Nation.

How illegal bans on Valentine’s day and birthday parties are connected with dowry deaths and sex selection.

“When the time comes to support them, they back out and and blame the children for misusing their trust and freedom.”

Why do we hear concerned voices about ‘misuse of freedom’ the moment we talk about Freedom?

‘We grew up in a very liberal family. We knew what our limits were and our focus was our education. We never betrayed our parents.’

An email: I am 18 year old male from a traditional (read:backward) Indian family.

49 thoughts on “‘My parents will be ignored and ridiculed. No one will let them forget my so called shameful behaviour.’

  1. 😥 I have no advice. I feel so, so sad. I know my comment means nothing, but I still wanted to write it. I really don’t know how to tackle this problem, I am going to face a similar one in fact.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Very tough situation. As social circumstances stand today, the LW has only one of the following choices:

    1. Try to forget the guy and move on with life with or without marriage.
    2. Try to reverse blackmail the parents saying she will only marry this guy or not marry at all.
    3. Stand firm on her resolve and marry the guy with all the attending consequences.

    Unfortunately it is the old story of the cake: You cannot have it and eat it too. No matter how much one wishes that things were different, it is going to take quite a while before that happens. The choice is really hers – parents or the guy.

    She also needs to consider other factors:

    1. Is the guy absolutely trustworthy? Is he worth taking the risk of breaking off completely from everything and everyone she has grown up with?
    2. If things go wrong, does she feel confident of standing up on her own two feet? She might have to forget about any support from her family.

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  3. Just remember one thing life can never run on a compromise.You might compromise now…..but somewhere down the line you will regret your decision…turn bitter n lead a miserable life.
    I have such frns who gave up their bfs…went in for arranged marriage.They look happy on the outside but sometimes whn we hav a heart to heart talk they still wonder what if they would have chosen love…..they are living with regret….As for your family…they r basically bullying you.If you do get married into *** caste their expectation will not stop…if u hav a troubled marriage you will be asked to “adjust” hav X no of kids at the right time…etc etc….this bullying will continue forever…Are you economically independent ? Do you trust your guy fully ? Will his family accept you ? In case they also cause prob or cause trouble post marriage will he stand by you or be a mamas boy ? And finally what will make you happy ? Think on these lines then take a decision…..all the best

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    • This – “.this bullying will continue forever”. This is never going to end. Put a full stop to the bullying right away. Just because they gave birth to you and raised you, your parents don’t own your happiness.

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  4. How about telling them that if you don’t marry this guy you won’t marry anyone else either? That usually works most of the times.
    Otherwise this is a classic case of blackmail.If iI was you and parents don’t support I’ll just go ahead with my decision. Of course after making sure that neither family would kill us. And just move away to a different location. I’d talk parents into moving with me. And probably give it a few years before marrying for everyone to understand that I’m serious about it and not backing out.

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  5. Think about this, in 10 years what do you see for yourself…adjusting to everything that society asks if you and changing your existence with the guy of your parents choice or living a life with someone you love..both the roads that you can chose from are hard and you may have difficulties that you can’t anticipate but which path will let you be more yourself and happier…
    And ya, time heals everything, it might even change your parents mind over these issues…
    You are who you are, you have one life and you will have to live with the choices you make, not anyone else.

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  6. This is a classic case of emotional blackmail, something am only too familiar with. When I wanted to divorce my ex-husband, I was given pretty much the same treatment. My family perhaps felt just as alienated.

    Trust me when I say there are no shortcuts. No matter what you decide, it’s a path fraught with difficulties. you will have to give up either your happiness or your parents’ social life. While your (what you think is) natural instinct is to be the sacrificial goat, know that this will only leave you bitter and utterly unhappy in the end.

    Remember that:
    1. Your life is yours alone. What your family thinks is only important enough to be considered seriously, but not important enough to be followed blindly. What your relatives think is absolutely inconsequential. They will talk about you until they find other black sheep to talk about.

    2. Distancing yourself from everyone else (parents, relatives, boyfriend) for a few months/years will help you sort out your own thought process. This is probably the most difficult part of your journey but trust me, it will help you and your parents see things more objectively.
    When I separated from my ex-husband, I lived with my parents for a while. I realized that we were having lengthy discussions on a daily basis and I was much like you – emotionally distraught, confused and completely drained out. I realized that I needed time and space to think about where my life was going. Moving out of my parents’ house helped clear up my head and separate emotion from reason. It took me a long time to make a decision, but once I did, I was absolutely sure. You need to be sure, too.

    3. Your parents need to start seeing you as an adult. For this to happen you need to come across as someone who is independent and responsible. Start by taking financial responsibility in the house – pay their bills, help your parents make important decisions. At the same time work on your health and emotional well-being.
    Your parents will gradually start seeing you as a positive, healthy, and balanced adult with her head firmly on her shoulders.

    4. When they talk of marriage, calmly put your point across. Don’t get into debates; parents look for opportunities to corner you. You’d do well to simply state your point-of-view and then agree to disagree. I did the same (much against my natural instincts) and basically repeated the same sentences over and over again, which were mostly to the effect of I understand that you don’t agree with what I am doing. i don’t understand the things you do either. I respect your decisions in life, and realize that I cannot control you. Therefore, I expect that same courtesy. I think I have said this elsewhere on this blog but it was much like training a dog. They gradually came to expect the same responses every time they brought it up and eventually left me alone.

    I guess what I am saying is that this is not going to be an easy decision. You will need to distance yourself, emotionally and physically from everyone around you – your parents and your boyfriend included, and make a decision. Once you know exactly what you want to do, go ahead and do it. Parents will understand, eventually.

    Good luck, girl!

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  7. I went through the same thing 12 years ago. I finally chose to marry the guy against every one. No one from my family attended our wedding. I did not see my parents for next 8 years. I was cut off from the family and made to feel like a traitor. They have started coming around but things are not 100% normal even now.
    I went through similar emotions like you in my 20s. Distraught, helpless, confused. But now after 12 years of holy matrimony, some grey hairs, 2 kids and tons of drama later I can give to you one thing in writing. Today, if I could go back in time and had to make a choice, I would choose to marry this guy against everyone all over again. Only this time, I won’t spend time and efforts trying to convince the parents and relatives.
    Your parents are responsible for their choices and you are for yours. You can make a choice of living in a happy marriage with the person of your choice or risky marriage with a person of your relatives’ choice. Your parents have the choice of standing by their daughter who is ready to leave her love of 8 years for them, or standing by the relatives who are ready to alienate them already. And frankly, even parents are humans. Now that I am a parent myself I can say with authority that parents’ love is not selfless. No relationship is selfless. Parents’ expectation that their children marry according to their wishes is epitome of selfishness.
    Bottomline – Don’t try to be sacrificing for people who are clearing acting selfishly. Self is first priority for everyone. Make yourself your priority. Go ahead and marry this guy asap and put an end to all this drama. If your folks love you, they will come around. If not, they were never worth it!
    All the best
    -Been there, done that!

    Liked by 3 people

      • All the best kiddo. It is sad to see that even after a decade it is still hard for young people to marry their own choices. The earlier you break free from the dictations of society the better. After my marriage, one of my cousin played the ideal girl of the family and had an arranged marriage. Soon, she had compatibility issues as the guy and family expected her to take up traditional wifey roles. Things turned bad to worse and she wanted a divorce. Now, she was alienated by family and relatives. She went through divorce and trauma pretty much alone. This pressure and threats will not stop with marriage

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  8. About the moving on part, people lose their family too and move on to lead pretty happy lives! But that is besides the point. The point is that your family thinks the society is bigger than your personal happiness. It will always be the case. Even if you find another person you can be happy with, there is always a huge chance they won’t accept him either because he might not be up to their mark. And considering that your ideas about what is important for a marriage and theirs don’t exactly line up, you will end up marrying someone you are not OK with for their consent.

    Are you willing to continue to sacrifice your happiness and have a less than working marriage? If no, you will need to stand up for what you believe in.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I went through something similar two years ago, and I am now married to him. And happily so. Our situations are not identical, but are similar in many horrifying ways. I feel so sad reading your letter because this is the exact desperation I felt at that time. I hope what I write below, stuff I have learned from my own story, will help you in some way.

    1. Your parents will give you a hard time even if your relatives were staying out of it (as they should! but apparently no one gave your relatives that memo). Parents tend to make this about them “How will I tell everyone my daughter is marrying a lower caste man?” “Is this how you repay me for everything I did on raising you?” and many, many more. But remember this, this is not about them. This is about you, your partner, your future. Please tell them to stop imagining how they will react, how they will feel, what they will say, what they will do, and to focus on YOU.

    2. As for your relatives, please ignore them for now. I know this is not easy, but it is necessary for your sanity. They have no right to do what they are doing now. And if your parents saw this from your perspective, they will see it for what it is as well. Do ask your parents how they would feel if they were ostracized by your relatives for something they believed in? Would they cave or would they stick to your beliefs? You and your relatives will have to agree to disagree and stay civil and our of each others’ lives.

    3. When you talk to your parents, a measured calm voice and being very self-possessed (even if you are breaking inside) is VERY important. Do not get dramatic even if they are being that way.
    There is nothing wrong in what you want to do, and you should NOT feel guilty about it. Be strong. Pretend to be, when you don’t feel strong.

    4. Do NOTfor one moment, blame yourself. Parents raise their children to be self-thinking responsible adults. You sound like one. They cannot control you your whole life, nor should they want to! There is nothing wrong in what you want to do, so please do not let them brainwash you into doubting yourself. Stay strong, support your partner, and let them know that this cheap tactic of blackmailing you for your affections and asking you to sacrifice your life for their narrow prejudices is horrifying. Tell them this again and again.

    5. Tell your parents that you expected them to support you as you navigate your way through life. Not throw you to the dogs the moment your beliefs diverged from theirs, or from their relatives, or the milkman. Please tell them you are disappointed at this, because you didn’t expect to be discarded the moment you find your own path. Hear their responses.

    6. Chances are they are being cowardly to face the “society”, the neighbors, the relatives, etc. Make them admit it. Tell them to change, and to become better for you. Convince them that this man has everything they could wish for in a potential husband for you. Help them remove their narrowmindedness. It won’t be easy but it is the only way you can make this work successfully without estranging your parents.

    I hope you have a strong support system by way of friends and your partner. I wish you all the luck in the world. Be strong, sister. Hug.

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  10. Be polite, persistent and – financially independent. I know this is hard but please make sure that you are not financially reliant on either your family or your future husband. Now, the social and emotional part. This is going to be distressing but you are already venturing into territory that is different from your family. Above all, be kind to yourself, take care of yourself emotionally, don’t be afraid to get emotional support from wherever you can and from whoever is willing to provide it. Remember that your decisions – right or wrong – are finally yours and yours alone. As for family and community/caste pressure, well, before Bollywood took a turn to light fluffy comedies and gangster movies, when even masala scripts had some depth to them, I remember this memorable line from Sholay when Thakur sahib Sanjeev Kumar retorted to Jaya Bhaduri’s father “Samaj Biradari toh logon ko akeleypan se bachaney ke liye banaye gaye hain, akeleypan mein dhakelney ke liye nahin.” (Society and caste were created to save people from loneliness, not to keep them in loneliness).

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  11. Blackmail works both ways…So why not say, “Okay I will not Marry EVER.” See what they do. Its a battle of wills in this case…The only reason they will stand their ground is because they trust you will choose them…Give them what they want HALF way and see what happens.

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  12. That’s how life works. You don’t always get all you want. You will have to loose some to get some. In this case, it just so happens that the option is between your family and your boyfriend. It’s your choice to decide which one you want.

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  13. I was in your exact situation 12 years ago. I can tell you how I finally decided to live my life. I come from a family where I was the only girl child from both the side of the family. Honestly I was fed up of an army of people, who said they loved me more than life; meet under a roof to discuss and decide on what I should be doing next. They jointly decided what I wore, where I went to, what should I study etc and kept on drilling into me that they did this out of love for me. I was not scared or anything, but plain lazy (and I did not have much of an ambition to achieve something) to say No to them, until I met this wonderful guy who did not belong to my religion. All hell did break loose and a lot of Ekta Kapoor and Big Boss type drama did happen.😦

    To cut it short, I realized that I was the only one responsible for my happiness and it is not selfish to want to be happy. When we realized that our family will never support us, we eloped. After 12 years, I am still happy with the same husband😛

    I hope you too will have a life filled with love and happiness, that you deserve.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Just waana ask you, If it does not bothers you. Which religions were you both belongs? and being from different religion how you manage to settle with the complexity of the society? Please reply. I am an Hindu, loving a Muslim girl. Facing the same problem. Need help.
      Thanks

      Like

        • Can you be more helpfull,? if this is not much to ask. I would like to know ho you manage your Muslim family, Because I am also facing the problem. Me a North Indian Hindu., she is from muslim family. Her family is threatening us for life, and the main and important question. How you both manage afterward, with your religion and carrying the name of both your family?

          If not here you can mail me your reply to: email with IHM

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  14. It is not you who should actually be choosing between your parents and the man you love, it is your parents who should, between their child and the family/community. Do they love their child more or the community/family?
    Lots of people have gone against the wishes of their parents in this matter and have had them turn around and admit that the choice the child made was a good one. (Even if it isn’t, it is the child’s life and the parents’ job is only to give moral support)
    I have extended family full of such examples where cousins have gone against parents and married people of their choice (sometimes lower caste/different religion/nationality). They are all of them living happily with grown up children. In some cases it took years for the reconciliation with parents.
    It is your choice/life. Make it wisely. We don’t need to succumb to emotional blackmail from parents. Oh by the way, i am a parent with grown up children myself.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. “Their argument is a woman whose spouse dies that women also moves on and marries somewhere down the line. She doesn’t die with him or stay unhappy for life.”

    Same argument you can try with your parents. Like the women moves and marries someone else – same way If your relatives boycott your family – your parents too can and will move on. Sooner or later – they’ll be fine. After all – nobody(least of all your relatives) is indispensable.

    If your relative are blackmailing you on this today – whats the guarantee that tomorrow they won’t blackmail you on another issue. In the end – it all depends on how much courage you have. Unless there’s a threat of physical violence – your parent’s will be fine. Even if YOU dump them.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Ok , my comment is possibly going to invite lot of dislikes , but never mind ..
    I was in your shoes some 8 yrs ago . My parents were against marrying the guy I loved , due to caste issues. But I didn’t have the strength to fight it out against my parents . I had lost my 18yr old brother just 6 months ago and my parents were already going through emotional turmoil . I simply didn’t have the courage to go against them . My parents chose me a guy. I discussed everything with him , i.e. my hubby . He gave me some time to come out of it and only after I was convinced myself , we finally married . My husband has been a wonderful through and out and after 8yrs and a kid later , everything has been just fine ..
    So would things be different if I went against my parents .. yes , maybe , I dont know..I dont want to go back to my past and think . I took the decision then and I don’t regret now ..There’s just no point..

    Time heals … Always ..
    You and only you should be the one to take the decision-
    Can you forget the guy for your parents’ sake ? Lot of good guys are around ..
    If you go against your parents , then are you ready for some emotional drama. again time heals .. sooner or later they will come back ..
    Or just stay neutral , don’t marry anyone ..

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    • Its perfectly fine to exchange a bf with an arranged groom if you are not that emotionally involved…..if the bf is just timepass rather than potential life partner….you made a choice at tht point which is fine and luckily you got a good guy…..but others might not be as lucky as you….When a person is sure about his/her choice they shld go for it

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    • Its perfectly fine that you made your choice and you should not be judged for it.

      But the situation under which you made that decision was not right as per me. People should keep relationship or break them based on their experience in relationship with the person. In your case , your relationship with your BF was not abusive, irrational but you budged under a different kind of pressure.Same kind of lame excuses are given for breaking relationship without realising how it affects the other partner in relation.
      When you break a relation because of abuse then its easy for both the partner as end brings peace of mind. But when some breaks the relation when everything is going good then you cannot imagine how badly it affect the other partner.
      The one who in of bf/gf exchange get another fiance it is easy for them. Family is around and you have one more person on whom you can depend emotionally.But the one who is left alone becomes emotionally miserable. I have seen two of my friends crumbling under this pain when their bfs left them under their parents pressure. And I hate these kind of people.

      And I totally agree with Neha.

      Liked by 1 person

    • It is okay if someone changes their mind about whom to marry – a person may like person X, then for whatever reason move on to person Y and find happiness with him. This is fine as long as it’s the person’s own decision. But not if that person is MADE to move on from X to Y or CONVINCED or PRESSURIZED to move on or EMOTIONALLY BLACKMAILED to move on or THREATENED by society’s disapproval to move on.

      A hypothetical example – If I chose to give up a high paying high pressure job and moved on to a more laid back, part time job, that is okay, it’s my decision. I might still miss the money, but I can live with the pros and cons of my decision. If my husband MADE me give up one job for another, that would be WRONG. Then if he told me, “time heals” or quoted the wonders of my new job, I would still feel bitter, manipulated, because it was never his decision to make in the first place. I would also begin to disrespect myself because I let someone treat me like a child. In the long wrong, this is unhealthy for me, for him, and for our relationship.

      Let’s let adults be adults and that means they have to make their own decisions.

      Liked by 2 people

    • So you just dropped him? what happened to the poor sod you were in love with🙂 gave up and went married someone else too??? was it love or an infatuation.

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    • I in a way admire the practicality you’ve employed – at the time the decision was taken, and now 8 years later as you look back. It must not have been easy.

      I have a question, and it is not to make you feel guilty or put you in a spot. How did the guy you loved react to your decision to marry another? He must have moved on by now, but do you ever feel some guilt at what your choice put him through?

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  17. Don’t fall in for the emotional blackmail. I think your parents are as much part of it as the other members of your community. Just ignore what the community thinks. They talk about you for now and move on when some other issue strikes.
    And coming to your parents, they may not understand you for now. But i am sure one day they definitely will. Try to live the life you wanted. Life is itself a compilation of many compromises and adjustments. Don’t try to make it more difficult for you by going for a compromise that you cannot survive on.
    If you have to go for an arranged marriage, think of the difficulties you were going to face in such a community.
    They will say that it is difficult to find a groom as everyone knew about your love affair. And they will force you to compromise for someone who you do not deserve. And then, there is this chance that this guy might not be open to accept the fact that you have loved someone earlier. And even if he is a good one, what if your priorities, ideas and way of life differ. You obviously would never get a chance to know all of these in the one or two meetings that you get to have in an arranged marriage scenario. To me, it sounds like a disaster as it is already hard for a girl to adjust into an arranged marriage set up when she was not in love with anyone else. Just imagine how hard it will be to accept everything with an open mind and make compromises at every step you take.
    If you chose to live with the guy you love, you can at-least be happy that for good or bad, you have made the decision for yourself and you will be happy to face the consequences whatever they are. You can at least think that it is your choice of life but not someone else’s. That gives a person enough courage to fight for their life and work hard on it to succeed.
    But if you end up giving in to the blackmail and marry someone else, i’m sure you will be blaming your parents first for forcing you to do that and then yourself for giving in to them if things go wrong.
    At any time, i think its better to favour ourselves and its okay to be a bit selfish when it is about our own life and feelings we are talking about.
    I know it is a long comment, but i wanted to say all of that. Hope you make a decision that makes you happy. Hope you get that courage and strength to make the proper decision.
    Good luck.

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  18. Patience is only virtue in these cases. I am in similar situation. I can understand what you are going through. But when you are dealing with mentality then you have to be patient.

    Make them clear that you will marry your guy. Whenever they discuss marriage give your standard reply. Dont fight, don’t argue. Be ready to wait.

    They may turn around.

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  19. Dear LW,
    Are you financially independent?
    Do you trust this guy? (As in, is he someone who will always stand by you and loves you with all his heart?)
    If you answered yes to both questions, you know you will be happy with him, and you know that if you give up marrying him, you will always look back in regret and bitterness.

    But right now, you are weighed down by your parents’ disapproval and sadness (let’s call this position A). Now, imagine yourself happily married to this guy – somehow the problem of parental disapproval has been resolved (Position B) How to get from A to B?

    Let’s look at A first. Your parents’ feelings and reactions are affecting you. This is natural. Our first relationships are with our parents – this is where we first learn to love, give affection, share our thoughts and feelings, rely on someone’s help, learn about trust.

    But your parents have been conditioned to value society’s opinions over their child’s happiness. The more you understand that this is wrong, the more you will be ready to detach yourself from this negativity. This will not happen overnight. You need to go through a series of steps –
    – understand that parents must value a child’s happiness over society’s approval
    – understand that your parents are wrong to use you as a tool to win society’s approval for their own feel good factor
    – understand that they’ve been conditioned to think like this (they’re not evil, but they’re most definitely wrong)
    – understand that you are an adult and yes, that means, you need to make your own decisions
    – start making your own decisions in other areas of your life – this will give you more confidence and earn your parents’ respect
    – understand that not everyone will be happy with every decision you make
    – make yourself free of other people’s approval/disapproval especially when it’s highly unwarranted or unfair
    – make yourself free of other people’s happiness (realize they are responsible for their own happiness – you can’t MAKE someone happy)
    – marry the guy you chose for yourself with confidence, now that you fully understand that you cannot MAKE your parents happy if they CHOOSE to be unhappy
    – now everything is not hunky dory, there will be some drama, but at least you have done something that makes you and your life happy and you are not as weighed down by their negative emotions, in other words, you’ve stopped taking ownership for other people’s happiness, so you can live your life in peace. You’ve arrived at Position B.

    I hope you can find a close friend or relative to stand by you and support you through this process. All the best!

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  20. Y do you even such extended family who are solely there to judge and outcast you? If they truly cared about you or your parents they would not distance themselves. Remember the saying – friend in need, friend in deed. Y cant they stick around instead and tell your parents that be brave, we will stand with you if the need arises rather than say we will stand against you. You should just chuck such fair weathered relatives and do what you want. Follow your heart. Take care.

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  21. Been there done that, a few decades ago🙂 choose to marry , it was not my choice, it was the choice my parents made. now that i have grown up boys i would never choose society, honor BS etc., over thir happiness , good or bad i”ll side with them and their choice and help them succeed and be happy, that is my only JOB.
    No contact for 19 yrs, met them face to face in my brothers wedding. ( was in touch with him🙂 ) just a hi, they now want contact as i agree but it’s just like they ar eanother aquaintance.relatives want contact – guess its the money🙂 but whatever they r just another part of my life , not even an important one.
    now that i have kids i find what they did even more terrible than i did 2 decades ago.
    Such bad choices as parents ,
    Live your life – my 2 paisa advice, — lif eyour life do what feels right to you, what makes you happy, remember that that may change later , be self reliant and open up to a life with unlimited possibilities. you have only 1 life , live it well, happily on your terms.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. There are many people here who are telling you ignore parental advice and forge ahead for your 8 year relationship,but that is not the question !
    How much do you know about your bf ‘s lifestyle and his home life with parents ?
    Will you be able to adjust from high caste upbringing to the one he is used too ?Or do you plan to stay separate without parents ?
    All these questions and other small inconsequential and consequential things will pop up in your life ,……are you prepared to deal with it ? Life is a long haul and love whether 8 years or 1 year will dim eventually and when it does it will bring new set of compromises !Are you ready to compromise ?Real life is very tough without enough support !
    You need to separate yourself from this situation and then think about the bf objective ly !From your post you come across as someone who is more focused on so called’blackmail’ by parents than positive confidence in your bf !
    You need to rethink and then think more !

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  23. Dear LW,

    If you both can leave your parents and build your life far away in a different city,, then you can think about going ahead with this man Because what if his parents turn out to be bully after your marriage and you start regret your decisions? Its not Arrange Vs Love marriage but compatibility, love, respect and space that is needed to run the successful marriage. I would advise you to ask that guy if he is ready to start life in a different city with you, then you can go for it. But if he is not ready for that, then I think you must weigh your options before taking any big step.

    And about parents, they lived their life in a different era where they were told to adjust and think about society and relatives before their happiness. For them what matters is ” what people would say”. You are an adult and are fully capable of taking decisions on your own. Think practically, jot down all the points and see pros -cons of everything. But please dont give in to the parental pressure and dont compromise for any arrange marriage guy. Life is too big, you cant build your marriage on compromise or pressure and suffer for your whole life.

    If you know your man is right and he will support you no matter what happens, just talk to him about all the pros&cons with him. I am sure he’ll understand and you both will come up with a positive solution

    Love
    FS

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  24. If I knew for certain my bf was the ONE, I would leave my family in a heartbeat over this….and my mother is my best friend! I would STILL do it to her if she so wrongly expected me to break up with the love of my life!

    I was in this position recently- my bf’s parents were against our marriage. They threatened to disown him, they were sick…everything bad would happen if he married me! He begged and pleaded for 1.5 years to no avail. In the end, he chose his parents, a decision that crushed him, and us. He’s completely depressed and will end up soon marrying someone he doesn’t love just to please his mommy. What kind of life is that? What about YOUR happiness? I honestly don’t understand why anyone cares what society thinks. Is “society” going to care for them as they grow old? Or are their children? It boils my blood!!! I say marry him and hope they come around. Time to wake up India!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  25. Sad situation😦 have a hug, first.

    Worst Case Scenario 1: You ditch him and become your parents’ puppet. They will keep puppetting you. You will feel like hell for leaving him. And if you do forget him and marry a guy of their choice and he turns out to be an A-hole, they won’t support you there either.

    Worst Case Scenario 2: You chuck your family and marry him. He turns out to be an A-hole and makes you unhappy, and your parents have cut you off.

    (But let’s hope either of these doesn’t happen, and you end up happy either way.)

    Now, the solution – ARE YOU SELF SUFFICIENT? Are you financially independent to make it on your own, if the situation turns against you, once you’ve made your choice? Because, if you aren’t, you will find yourself in a fix if either scenario actually happens. My advice to you is to take a break from marriage and family, and establish your own independence first (if you haven’t already).

    If you are already independent and confident enough to support yourself in an eventuality, I’d say go with the guy IF HE IS A GOOD MAN. Your parents and relatives clearly don’t give a crap about your happiness. Why should you flush your whole life down the toilet to adhere to their selfish and manipulative ways?

    Whatever decision you take, be prepared, either way, to be able to support yourself if the need ever arises. Make yourself a career first. And then, you can do whatever you want. Best of luck.

    Like

  26. Pingback: Relationships – Making Someone Happy | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  27. Pingback: “I gathered all my courage and I have confessed about my relationship with the guy to my parents.” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

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