हमारी बेटी संस्कारवान है और मंत्री बनने के बावजूद पति के पांव की जूती ही है।

Roughly translates to: Our daughter has good values and despite becoming a minister, she remains the footwear of her husband’s feet. 

Indian paraya dhan’s parents who could view them as role models and be proud of them – continue to justify and make excuses for the paraya dhan’s success. It would seem it is against Indian sanskaar for Indian daughters in law and wives (or married Indian daughters) to be seen as ‘successful’.

For such parents, Happily married daughters, who are ‘pampered’ or ‘approved of’ by the damaad ji (son in law) remain the role models and continue to be viewed as the ultimate status symbols. The society celebrates their position (equivalent to the footwear of their spouse?) with rituals, which are generally forbidden to single, divorced or widowed women (who don’t have any feet to place themselves at?)

For this mindset, success in single women is tolerated because they have sacrificed the joys of serving their Lord and Master (and his extended family) for worldly success. Women in abusive marriages are frequently told they are better off than single women who have no feet, to serve as Juttees. The same idea expects women to choose between having a family or having a career. 

What could make a parent of an Indian daughter say their paraya dhan’s rightful position is at the bottom of the family hierarchy? Do they believe this?

1. Or, are they being tactful and they feel this would make it easier for the Pati Parmeshwar to accept the paon ki juttee’s success? 

2. Maybe it is a reminder to other women in the community – so that  they don’t get any ideas about equality, success, human rights or empowerment? 

3. Maybe it is an assurance to the neighbours’ third cousins (or anybody else who might judge and comment) that they have given her good sanskaar, and ‘the juttee’ would not attempt to view herself as human?

It seems many parents of Indian daughters believe that they do not have the option of loving and respecting their daughters.

Is it surprising then that Haryana parents avoid having daughters?

Is it possible to change anything until this mindset is challenged and changed?   – IHM

Shared by Abhishek Oza.

http://navbharattimes.indiatimes.com/state/punjab-and-haryana/other-cities-of-punjab/haryana/kavita-jain-takes-oath-as-new-haryana-cabinet-minister/articleshow/44952390.cms

हमारी बेटी संस्कारवान है और मंत्री बनने के बावजूद पति के पांव की जूती ही है।

Kavita Jain’s husband Rajeev is facing charges for unaccounted income. Yet Kavita’s mother Kamlesh is proud that Kavita always behaves like Rajeev’s “paanv ki jooti” (literally: footwear).ie. She finds her place below her hubby’s feet, even after being a minister. For Kamlesh, this is a sign of Kavita’s “sankaar”.
Kamlesh is neither ashamed of a son-in-law like Rajeev, nor proud of a minister daughter. She is just proud that some “sanskaar” forces a minister to be a “paanv ki jooti” (in Kamlesh’s own words.), and feels more so that such a “sanskaar” is shown by her own daughter!
– By Abhishek Oza.
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23 thoughts on “हमारी बेटी संस्कारवान है और मंत्री बनने के बावजूद पति के पांव की जूती ही है।

  1. I find it extremely difficult to read through such people’s entire statement. It baffles me to no end that people, especially women uphold such “sanskaar” and are proud of daughters who are abused by their in-laws and still maintain “peace” in the marriage or “sacrifice” their lives at the feet of pati parmeshwar to gain a permanent position in swarg-lok. Such bullshit!

    – What could make a parent of an Indian daughter say their paraya dhan’s rightful position is at the bottom of the family hierarchy? Do they believe this?
    I think that through the ages, this belief is reinforced with so much conviction that it is hard to un-believe it. Children grow up in such atrocious environment and they also feel this is the ONLY truth.

    – Or, are they being tactful and they feel this would make it easier for the Pati Parmeshwar to accept the paon ki juttee’s success?
    I know of a couple in Haryana (because my SIL is from there) who have disowned their daughter because she married to a man of her choice and also left him after a couple of months because he was abusive. I also know one couple cannot represent the whole state but this comes to my mind whenever I listen about such things in Haryana. Also, this is not being “tactful”, this is reinforcing the stupid belief that women should be subservient to men and a woman cannot be more successful than her husband (or cannot be successful at all).

    – Maybe it is a reminder to other women in the community – so that they don’t get any ideas about equality, success, human rights or empowerment? Maybe it is an assurance to the neighbours’ third cousins (or anybody else who might judge and comment) that they have given her good sanskaar, and ‘the juttee’ would not attempt to view herself as human?
    Sadly, this can be true.

    – Is it possible to change anything until this mindset is challenged and changed?
    No not possible until mindset is changed. The problem is that people like these view successful and independent women as a threat to their “culture” and warn their daughters about such “whores” who want to sleep around, spend money lavishly and not remain married and docile (keep away from such women, don’t befriend them, they are bad) or they warn their sons about such women who can make them ”joru ka gulaam” and katao their noses in the society because they are gold-diggers and bent on “breaking” families and spoiling Indian “culture”.

    To bring about a change, it is very essential that they open up to other (better) people or educate them in schools and colleges that do not reinforce such idiocy from a young age.

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  2. Why am I not surprised?

    Women in India are treated like second class citizens – and are reminded of their right place (which is at their husband’s feet) at every available opportunity. It is indeed unfortunate that mostly it is women that are doing the reminding!

    Why? Because in our society, the man’s job is that of a provider – it is his lot to be ‘successful’. The woman, on the other hand, is responsible for the home front – she is the caregiver (read sacrificial goat). And somehow the provider is bigger/better than the caregiver.

    So if a man is successful, he is by definition a good husband and father, but if a woman is successful, she must not be taking the home front seriously – maybe she is neglecting her duties as a wife and a mother to chase ‘success’.

    And if a woman neglects her duties as a wife/mother/bahu, her parents are to blame because they didn’t give her enough sanskaar to know that she is merely her husband’s shadow.

    Therefore mothers feel the need to clarify that though their daughter is successful, she hasn’t forgotten her place. If someone talks about how proud they are of a woman’s accomplishments in my job, the mother will promptly add, “her husband is also very successful” or “she is also a good bahu (which is equal to domestic help)” – as if to pacify the husband and his family, as well as anyone else who might get the idea that the woman was not raised to be a cow.

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  3. I think it’s a complex combination of ,
    1. she is proud of her daughter
    2. probably recognizes her SIL is a crook and quite useless🙂
    3. doesnt want to antogonize him and his family
    4. thinks it’s v important to stay married
    5. very worried about society.

    The mom is conditioned for so many years her idea of whats happiness is different than say others. so she tries to protect what she thinks is good .

    its upto the minister daughter to correct the footwear assumption, an dtry enlightining the mom, after all whats the use of education and position if you cant influence your mom. or maybe minister madam is just like the mom, same conditioning, who knows.

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  4. This type of attitude is so heartbreaking. One of my husband’s cousins and his wife are extremely successful software professionals in the Silicon Valley. The wife is CTO and one of the largest firms in the area and her job involves a lot of travel. They have a 4 year old daughter. When she travels, her husband works from home and deals with the kid and household responsibilites. I cannot count on my two hands the number of people who’re so sympathetic to the husband. My own father had a traveling job and I don’t remember the same folks being sympathetic to my mother. Heck, my father is sympathetic to my husband’s cousin! When I confronted him and said that my mom went through the same thing, he says that taking care of the child comes more naturally to the mother and it must be very hard on the father. Sigh…

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  5. No doubt why crimes of honor killing and female foeticide are rising in Haryana !!
    Women posses such regressive and downtrodden thoughts process and find no shame in highlighting such thoughts in public in the name of sanskaar. Paav ki jooti ?? She is a kind of mother who never support her own daughter if she is abused by her in-laws, She would rather say ” doli uthne ke baad beti ki arthi uthti hai sasuraal se” !
    Bad parenting and bad mother. Disgust me to the core.

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  6. Just like Indra Nooyi’s mother …. I don’t care how successful you are, how much you’ve achieved, that doesn’t make me proud, my dear daughter. Get the milk, make the beds, know your place and don’t dare step out of line. And yes, please do bring in the money.

    Brilliant analysis IHM. When I read this post, I begin to see the logical connections that tie this regressive train of thought together. If you place your daughter at the bottom of the hierarchy, then surely, she can’t be allowed success, can she? Then how to justify if she becomes successful? Reassure ourselves that despite her success she is still very much following tradition (considers it an honor to be enslaved) and the hierarchical order remains undisturbed?

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  7. I have a few examples to share that perpetuate this mindset and a few that challenge it –

    One of my husband’s reports – an Indian woman – came to him and said she cannot travel, it is extremely hard for her. Her husband “helps her a lot” but can’t take care of her daughter very well, can’t handle tantrums, can’t cook, etc. My husband told her that when she was hired it was very clearly laid out that this was a very travel intense job. If she didn’t travel, her share would fall to the other (already overworked) members of the apps team and this would be unfair. He told her she either needs to look for a job in a different division that didn’t require travel (and he said he would help her with that) or if she chose to remain here, she would need to travel just like everyone else on the team.

    One of the moms at my son’s school (Indian), works in IT for a very aggressive and successful company. She puts in extremely long hours and often works on weekends. She was complaining about her boss, “He expects us to stay late even on Friday nights. Lucky for him, he has a stay at home wife at home to take care of cooking, cleaning, etc. Wish I had a stay at home wife too. Ha, ha.” Such misogynistic statements, that too from a woman. This woman even though she has several people reporting to her and makes a fantastic salary can’t get her husband to take an equal share of household chores (and puts down another woman’s choice to stay home). A classic example of having an education, a career, and still remaining un-empowered.

    But not everyone continues to have this mindset. One of my friends recently told me that while she is the driven, ambitious one, her husband has always been the gentle, compassionate one. He taught classes in meditation as a hobby but she said that was really where his heart lay. He was so afraid of being ridiculed by his family for giving up a lucrative career in IT to follow his dream. But, when he turned 40 this year, that’s exactly what he did. He has now become a trainer in the same company, took a salary cut, loves teaching, loves what he does, comes home earlier to be with the kids, takes them hiking, takes a bigger chunk of household chores, etc.

    We visited my niece and her husband recently (they are both in late 20s). The husband’s aunt was also visiting. She saw him washing the dishes while my niece was cutting vegetables.
    She said sympathetically, “Oh so you are washing dishes, now??” (as in, look what’s happened to you!)
    He replied, “Yes, we are a great team, aren’t we?” and looked at his wife (my niece) and they smiled at each other. The aunt is not even a bad person, she’s generally nice and warm. These attitudes are so ingrained and most people don’t even question them.

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  8. If all the Kamleshs of this country care so much about ‘sanskaars’, why dont they teach it to their sons too?
    If women are truly so bothered about Values, then all men in india would still be wearing dhoti, jewellery, bindi.
    I am so pissed off by the panv ki jooti phrase.Cant type.

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  9. I am marrying into an Indian family soon, I hope and pray my future in-laws don’t have this type of mentality. My fiancé is very hard working but so am I. We have a house but both split the expenses by half. While becoming a young lady I noticed that when the husband is the sole provider “he thinks he has more power over the wife.” I am not saying all men are this way, but there are definitely many! I never wanted this for myself, so I became very independent. I recently dropped and damaged my phone beyond repair, my fiancé was upset… I had to remind him that I was the one that would pay for a new one not him.

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  10. I think saying like that has a lot to do with the male ego. If you think about it – women are powerful. We make children, birth them, and nourish them, we are raising the next generation. AND we are working inside and outside the home. What exactly do we need men for?!?! Except for companionship, lol …but then of course we can also get companionship from our girlfriends😉
    This is exactly why men attempt to oppress us and control us.

    BTW there is a deeply offensive ad from 1970s USA about the woman belonging at the man’s feet – kinda reminded me of that saying. Link: http://neatdesigns.net/35-extremely-sexist-ads-that-you-should-see/

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    • It’s not a Men versus Women world. There are women who are misogynists and who benefit from Patriarchy. And there are men whose choices are controlled via Patriarchy. I blame Patriarchy – not men or women.

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