If we truly valued our happiness and our peace of mind more than we valued other people’s opinion of what our priorities should be – how would our lives change?
Sharing an email.
“I will have a nervous breakdown or sink into depression. Imagine as an Indian woman… 2nd divorce isn’t an option.”
I would like you to post this on your website and I am looking for advice and opinions as I feel just so stuck.
I got married 7 months ago, against my better judgment I fear. This is my second marriage, I was married for 5 years previously but we didn’t have any children. It was a turbulent marriage from start to finish and I was so happy once I managed to get out of it.
I never thought I would marry again, or have children and I was happy to finally have my freedom to see my parents and friends as and when I liked. To dress as I liked to drive my career and just be me.
However, a year after I left my ex-husband I met another man who was just lovely, simple and gentle in nature. Sensitive and caring and just someone I loved being with. I had a boyfriend I was content until he started talking about marriage/wedding etc. He was ready to settle down and he thought he found what he needed in me.
I couldn’t fathom the thought, also he was from a privileged family whereas my were less well off. They were well known in their community and mix with other rich and prominent people in their community. My sisters-in-law is still single and lives at home. My father-in-law retired many years ago, and my mother-in-law is a very backward, narrow minded and traditional woman. She is impressed by superficial things namely money, be it hers or other people’s, she is easily regaled with stories of people with successful businesses. My young sister in law warned me that her mother was superficial, that she didn’t care much for the love between her son and me, and she would only be interested in what people think, about how I dress and behave.
I just fobbed this off as her being a little silly but now I am married into this family and lo and behold, it is true.
It has been a pretty bumpy 7 months. I genuinely don’t like my MIL. She is old fashioned, narrow minded and VERY petty. She wants to tell me what to wear and when and how I should do things… there is an endless amount of unsolicited advice and criticism and snipping at every turn. I keep my mouth shut because if I don’t it would be pretty unpleasant. I have a temper but I have kept it well hidden from her, I use my husband as a sounding board and he usually understands.
So we live in a joint set up. My husband, my sister in law and mother in law and myself – we live in a big and beautiful house but it isn’t a warm and loving house. Never mind I am here now and I have to make the most of a bad situation. My husband has been troubled by the degree of distance and lack of cohesiveness between his mother and me and he has acknowledged that she is a difficult character and unfair etc (he even said before marriage that if it became unbearable living with her we would move out). It is definitely a different tune now.
She has complained to him about my room, my décor, my lighting, my blinds, my clothes, my jewellery, my personality, my behaviour, my existence essentially. She doesn’t like that I am not from their community and she doesn’t like all the clothes I chose to wear. He has complained about what people will think and that I just don’t look right to go into her society or community dressed as I do.
I should also add that we are older than the average couple; I am 36 about to be 37 and my husband is 38. He has decided that we will stop trying to have a child now as he wants things to improve between his mother and I before we start again. Until I dress and behave how she wants we won’t try for a baby. This has crushed my world and I feel more trapped and stuck than when I was in my previous marriage. I am starting to hate him, I don’t want to look at him and I have to share a bed with him every night. We no longer have long chats and giggle about nothing nor do we hug the night away like a couple in love. It feels destroyed, I feel destroyed and I don’t trust him and never will again.
He says if I do all the things he asks for to please his mother and if she still complains we will move out but this doesn’t make me happy because all I think about is that fact that he has used my greatest desire against me and he is preventing us from having a family. We have had some fertility tests and I am still fine but he has a low sperm count so we’re not even sure we’ll be able to conceive naturally.
What do I do… is it fair that our marriage be contingent on the mood and misgivings of my mother-in-law? Do I give up the dream of having a family of my own?
I desperately need advice as I feel like I will have a nervous breakdown or sink into depression.
Imagine as an Indian woman… 2nd divorce isn’t an option.
Please help, advise and guide.
Sincerely, most desperate
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An email: My problem is quite common, but that does not make it any easier to handle.