An email from a 30 year old Indian man, “Marrying a divorcee and an older woman.”

What would you say to this email writer? Should the woman being older or being divorced be the biggest concern here? 

What would your advice be? 

Dear IHM,

After a lot of thinking I decided to write my story to you and seek some advice.
I am 30 year old single guy and I come from a middle class family. My upbringing was fairly tough but manage to get good job and have been supporting my parents since I was 22. My parents have given me good value, education and everything they could get to make my life good. Today whatever I am is because of my parents and I am really thankful to them for all that.
I am a very reserved guy never really had any female cousins or friends and never interacted with any girls in school or college (studied in boys only school). I always thought first I need to get good job, start earning and then think of relationship. Also how do we guys get a chance in this conservative, Indian middle class society? Settling abroad was always my dream and by god’s grace, I did manage to move to US.
While working in my initial job in India when I was 22, I met this girl who became my best friend. She was five years older to me. She was married and looked as though well settled in life.
I later got to know from someone else that she had applied for divorce. We use to catch up on weekends for some classes and she used to tell me that she is just out of divorce and didn’t know what her future was and so on. Without knowing I had developed some sort of affection towards her but obviously the age difference and not knowing where things might end up in our conservative Indian society, I never really told her I liked her.
Just before I moved abroad, we and few of our good friends went on a trip and we caught up with some of her old school friends. One guy in that lot was apparently her ex from school days and was already married with a kid (Lets call him Mr. ex school friend). I noticed that she was very close to him throughout this trip and it actually irritated me although being the type of guy I am, I never showed anything. I don’t know if I was right or not but it looked to me as if this guy was just trying to get close to her. I didn’t say anything because it was NONE of my business.
After that trip, I moved abroad and started a new life. I got to know that she started a relationship/affair with Mr. ex school friend. Apparently he told her that he was not happy with his wife and was going to divorce her (but never really did) and continued relationship with her. I don’t know if it’s true or not, I always felt this guy was taking advantage of her vulnerability because she was just out of divorce and was scared of an unknown future.
Later that year she too moved to NY and asked me if we could share a flat since we knew each other. I agreed because she was my friend. After this we became close again.
Mr. ex school friend use to visit her once or twice a year or she use to go to India and spend time with him. Apparently he got places in a different city in India and he tried to separate from his wife.
I also had been to India couple of times to see some brides as I thought arrange marriage was my fate. Never really had the courage to even propose to a girl in my life. She knew all about this, in fact  she even tried to set me up with few of her friends but never really worked out. I kept rejecting all arranged marriage alliances at home because I always wanted to fall in love and get married to someone I know, although my family is very conservative.
She was forcing Mr. ex school friend for commitment, asking him to divorce his wife but he just kept pushing forward while having all the fun with her. I just couldn’t stand this guy because I knew what he was doing with her was wrong but I really couldn’t tell her anything because it’s her personal life and she had all the rights to live the way she wanted.
Then early last year we had a house party and most of us started discussing our personal lives. I got a little tipsy on that day and all my frustration came out. I told her how much I liked her since the beginning and how this guy was just having fun with her. I also told her I loved her.
After that somehow we fell in love. She was five years older to me. I didn’t think about our future, but just started liking everything about her.
She never hid anything about me from Mr. ex school friend, since day one.
He knew she was sharing the flat with me and he knew we were best friends. When he visited NY next they had a big fight. He told her that he will divorce his wife immediately and wanted to get married to her. She said she wanted a bit of time which he never really liked.
She told me all that love she had for 5 years was lost somehow. He was very gutted when he went back because he probably didn’t get what he wanted when he was here.
After he went back he apparently told her parents about their relationship including every detail of what they did (I hope you understand what I mean) and how she is not willing to accept his marriage offer. He spoke very bad about her character. This is when she decided to break up with him.
He also wrote couple of times to me saying some really cheap thoughts about her like he slept with her and I am with what he already used and left and so on… obviously I was hurt, very badly hurt… After all I am also human  and even I do have feelings.
I knew she had done a mistake by getting involved with Mr. ex school friend, but who doesn’t make mistakes? We are all human beings and we all do mistakes and that’s what makes us what we are today.
Sometimes I do feel am I the reason for all this but I never really planned any of this to happen. Things just happened. We just clicked and fell into this without knowing.
This year we started thinking about future. I know she loves me and I love her too. Early this year when my parents asked me if I liked someone in states as they didn’t mind me getting married to anyone I liked. Then I indirectly told them about this girl. As expected they were very furious and crying and all that. They had seen this girl closely because she use to live close to my house when she was initially married. Then they had also heard about her affair with Mr. ex school friend, from a close relative.
A few close friends who knew us from initial days also started advising, saying things like if she can leave some one for you, she can also leave you after few years, that she was very cunning, an opportunist and so on. Some relatives added fuel to fire, saying, “She has lived with someone, how can you live with her? How would your future be? Will she have kids? What will your kids think about her past? We had shown you so many good looking girls!” And so on. Literally everything.
I was so broken and had gone so weak in my mind that I thought I might as well break up with her and marry someone else just to be out of this trauma. But I didn’t.
I never told her about any of these because I know she will get hurt listening to all this.
Then I started thinking positive this was my first love, my first relationship, I should fight for this. All these thoughts held me. I just didn’t want to go with the flow and be another one in the crowd. So what if she is 5 years older to me, we have this great chemistry going together. She is with me now. I need to accept her the way she is.
I also don’t want to hate my parents because they are good people just that they don’t know what kind of girl she is. All they have is a perception about her from someone else. Also just because they disagree with some of my decision/opinion doesn’t make them bad people and I can’t stop loving them.
Some time I do go very weak and think about how she was with the guy I couldn’t stand and every time I come across any of his gifts to her or his message or an email I just go so weak in my mind. Feel very low and feel like I am going into depression.
May be it’s a guy thing and will take some time to get over.
I do get questions in my mind like will she be pregnant as she is 35 because I love babies. I would love to be a father in future. Also I love girl child and hope for twin girls in future. If she can’t get pregnant doesn’t mean I am going to leave her because I truly love her. I probably have to find other ways like IVF or adoption but just little tensed that’s it.
Now I need to somehow find a way to convince my parents. I was planning not tell her age to them. I will just say we are the same age and they already know she is a divorcee. They are just not accepting her. I probably will involve someone else in the family and try to convince them. I want to get married in our traditional way because that’s something what my parents did and I want to do it too. Not sure if this is all going to be possible in our traditional, conservative and judgemental Indian society but I hope I can do it.
I am travelling to India back again in a months time and I have already started thinking about it and feeling low.
It would take a minute to go against my parents and get married on my own but I want to do it with their blessings. I don’t want them to put their face down in society to say that I ran away and got married to someone. If they don’t agree I probably will end up doing this. I know they will be hurt at the same time I will be hurt as well because end of the day they are my parents and I know for sure she will also be hurt because she will think all this problem is because of her…
Also Mr. ex school friend has threatened that he will never let our marriage happen. He would make pics from his affair public to my family and so on (just goes to show how cheap this guy and what type of mentality he’s got). And guess what, he is going back to his wife now which pissed me off even more. Felt like this guy just had fun with her for a while and went back to where he was. Anyway at least it’s good for his kid and he won’t bother us anymore.
I fumbled across your blog when I was searching for how to convince Indian parents for marrying a divorcee and thought should share my story with you. Also if any of your readers have successful marriage stories of an older women/younger men, that would give me more confidence.
Some tips would help.
Not sure if this is worth publishing but do give it a read and let me know your opinion. And of course if you do publish, would love to hear from your readers.
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64 thoughts on “An email from a 30 year old Indian man, “Marrying a divorcee and an older woman.”

  1. There are many different things you ought to consider here. This is not just about one facet of the relationship, but you need to see the whole picture before making a decision.

    1. Please involve your partner in your decision making. You are infantilising her by not discussing your concerns with her. This does not indicate respect. Quite the contrary. I never told her about any of these because I know she will get hurt listening to all this. This is wrong. You want to make her your life partner, please inform her of the situation. She ought to be able to make her own decisions based on the situation. You are forcing her to make uninformed decisions by this behaviour.

    2. Your parents are going to be a problem if you are marrying a divorcee with prior sexual experience. There is nothing you can do about it, but accept it. Tell them that you are not willing to discuss the matter of her sexual past, but that you are marrying her because she is a nice person.

    3. You are not the reason for anything. Everyone here is an adult and made their own decisions.

    4. You can only ignore your friends and relatives. In India, some people exist for the sole purpose of annoying you about your marital choices. Don’t pay heed to their stupid words.

    5. If you have even a single doubt about your girlfriend and her relationship with this ex, please stop right here. You have no right to feel this way about what was technically her past relationship. Please remember that you do NOT own her, and she has the right to have had a past without you weeping all over it. If you can’t deal with it, then please ask your parents to find you a nice virgin (supposedly) girl via arranged marriage. It’s not a ‘guy thing’, it’s just male entitlement and you don’t deserve this woman (or any woman) if this is the case.

    6. DISCUSS the child issue with her. Does she want a child or are you just assuming that she would actively agree to everything you suggest for rescuing her from a lonely future, eh? Gosh, the entitlement! Talk to the woman you claim to love, man! You sound as if she is your small baby that you need to protect from the big bad world, not a life partner with whom you need to discuss and arrive at a joint decision on various issues in life. You don’t have to find another way like IVF or adoption, you both have to find other ways, IF you BOTH decide you want children. Stop owning the relationship.

    7. Don’t lie about the relationship or your girlfriend to your parents. She will pay the price later. Sit down and think about how important traditional ways are to you. And INVOLVE YOUR GIRLFRIEND. Ask her if SHE wants to get married traditionally. Why is this ALL about YOU and YOUR parents?!!!!

    8. Forget the ex-school friend. He’s GONE out of all your lives. Stop talking about him.

    9. I think you also ought to consider the possibility that your girlfriend seems to be really insecure after her divorce and might have just latched on to you as a means of support. Take time to test each other and see if there is enough love on her side to make the relationship work. It is a little bizarre that she immediately dumped the other guy and fell in love with you the moment you bared your feelings for her. It sounds like she just needed a male support in her life and you were the one who obliged.

    But mostly, please start respecting this woman you claim to love. Your lack of respect for her shines through clearly. Maybe you are just institutionalised, but I think it’s time to sit back and think on your attitude towards her and your relationship with her.

    Liked by 9 people

      • Am I the only one who dislikes the comment? Tough love and being blunt is fine but this seems to be a deliberate attempt to interpret the LW’s words in the worst possible light.

        He’s expressing his uncensored thoughts and deepest emotions. He’s looking for someone who’s different from all his relatives and other people in his life who are constantly telling him he’s wrong. Should we add to the noise telling him once again why he’s wrong and only that he’s wrong? Can’t we try to be more balanced?

        What if your best friend came and told you his/her troubles, IHM? Would you not lend him/her an ear and engage them in a dialogue instead of stonewalling them like this?

        It’s your blog and you choose the content that goes on it but as a long time reader, I wanted to say I’m disappointed with the tone of so many comments posted to LW’s seeing advice. I used to comment on every single post earlier but I’m now a lurker because I don’t think a moderate voice will be heard here any more.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Yes, I guess I was a bit harsh. Not sure yet whether or not it was called for. But the way the LW kept on with the entitlement bit and not even realising it, I just had to say something. I was really sympathetic till about halfway down the post, when I realised that the LW was pretty much babying this woman and probably didn’t even love her, just loved the idea of loving her, if you get what I mean. Going on and on about the ex-school friend also left a bitter taste in my mouth.

          Liked by 1 person

        • Totally agree SB. I think people are always more inclined to listen to advice when it’s put in a gentle and respectful way. Some of the comments on posts say the right thing but phrase it in such a rude and condescending way that it really puts me off-I don’t believe in tough love.

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        • SB,
          People speak from their life experiences, outlook !
          I personally think people here are very articulate and generally well read,educated and nice !
          LWs are not best friends ,…people comment on 2-3 paragraphs they write in their letters to IHM !That is far too little factual information hence a little extrapolation by commentators is inevitable !
          Make sure thumbs down don’t bother you, and please write in with your own unique voice !

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        • @cosettez
          I don’t think it’s the thumbs up or downs that deter me. I was posting here long before IHM even enabled them🙂

          No, the real issue is that a community – and I consider this is a community, not a blog – has a responsibility to be diverse, inclusive, and open. You just can’t do that by telling people point blank that they’re wrong, sexist, misogynist, or worse.

          Coming to LW’s and personal relationships, well, consider my perspective. I would not make assumptions about someone because they’re not my friend. How can I extrapolate so much from so little? How can I make ad hominem attacks on someone based on two paragraphs they’ve written? (for general reference: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ad_hominem)

          Perhaps what we need to do is emulate IHM’s example and ask the right questions so that the LW can re-consider their own assumptions and then reach their own conclusions. If we want people to change, we have to enable them not judge them.

          I have a lot of respect for the people who post here and I know nothing about them or the reasons for their psots. However, I prefer not to post my opinions amidst so many judgmental ones.

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        • I have to agree. I think his language was just sheer conditioning as opposed to malice. The very fact that he’s even considered going his own way to marry the love of his life says that he’s not your average Indian “mard”.

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    • Agree with everything Fem says except this guy is not knowingly or intentionally coming in with a sense of entitlement. That seems to be the conditioning that he (and most people) grow up with. I think he truly likes this woman and his feelings for her are genuine. He is very confused because he feels one way (the love for her feels right) and society and his conditioning are telling him it’s all wrong.
      My advice to the LW – the woman’s age or her past relationships should not matter. Tell the ex to go take a hike or report him if he crosses the line.

      That leaves 2 main issues – one your parents – if you understand at some point that whom you choose to marry is your decision alone and yes, you can share this with your parents, but they are not right to give or deny approval – then you’ve crossed this bridge. You should never have to convince your parents about your future life partner. If you have difficulty with accepting this concept, don’t marry her. You will always feel guilty, your parents will never let you forget what a wrong thing you did, your wife will feel unaccepted and bitter, everyone’s miserable.

      Two – the woman herself – please take time to get to know her. Does she really love you as much as you love her? Or is she feeling unsettled after her divorce and is trying to latch on to some relationship or the other. If you give her some time and she still stays true to you, then you can know for sure that this is what she wants too.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. The first thing that springs to mind is that you are talking about her as if she were damaged goods.
    She is 35 and you’re already thinking about IVF?!?! She’s FAR from menopausal – she has at least another 10-20 years left to conceive! Does she even want to have kids? You say “I probably have to find other ways like IVF” – why not say “we”? It sounds as if you didn’t even talk about this with her. Having children involves both of you, yet you only mention yourself when speaking of it.

    You say your parents have given you “good value” yet I don’t see much evidence of that in your email. They themselves don’t seem to have “good value” if they don’t respect the life choices of their adult son. They may have given you an education and whatnot but you are in no way obliged to “repay” them. It was their choice to have a child, and trying to give your child the best you can offer is just what all parents around the world do – but only in India you call it “sacrificing”.

    Your parents said they wouldn’t mind if you married anyone you liked yet they were furious “as expected”. Why would you expect them to be furious if they themselves said they wouldn’t mind? Seems like they only don’t mind if she conforms to their idea of a DIL.

    Her past is her past. It’s very hard to come to terms with it, and if you had had former girlfriends it wouldn’t be easy for her either. Stop thinking about whom she was with and concentrate on the present and future that you have with her. Not sure what else to say about Mr. ex school friend only that he sounds like an awful guy and maybe it’d be best if both of you could cut all ties with him so he has no way of harassing you further. Does his wife know about his affair?

    I think that first of all you should be clear about your future with this woman, if both of you even want to have one. [b]You sound quite insecure in your email and only talk about yourself and your feelings and your parents and this other guy but RARELY about her or the relationship you actually have with her.[/b] If you mention her, she is “this girl” – Newsflash: She’s 35!!! You wrote so many words but NOTHING of what SHE feels or thinks about any of this.
    You keep saying: “I want” / “I need” / “I will” / “I have to” … You talk as if she didn’t even exist in your life! As if you were the only person in this relationship!

    Have an open and honest talk with her and also tell her what your parents think about it. It will hurt her but these may be her future parents-in-law. Both of you should be on the same page if it concerns your future. Talk about your future, when and how to get married, about children and finances and whether to settle in India or USA etc. What do her parents think of you? Maybe they don’t want her to marry someone younger. Do you expect to live with your parents when they’re old? If yes, this could lead to even further complications.

    Do you really, really, really, really want to be with her? If yes, then you should be able to stand up for her and stay with her no matter what. Think about what your life would be like without her, if you could never see her again. Your parents may not ever accept her. Tell them that you’re going to marry her no matter what they say. Don’t lie about her age because they’d find out anyway, and what difference does it make, really? They already won’t accept her, as I see it the chances are slim that they ever will.

    [i]”It would take a minute to go against my parents and get married on my own but I want to do it with their blessings. […] If they don’t agree I probably will end up doing this.”[/i]
    You’re going to India in one month so why not have the talk with your girlfriend before that, and then lay out the plan to your parents in a very matter-of-fact way. Tell them “We are getting married next April” (or whenever).
    Your parents have never met her. Why doesn’t she come to India with you?

    [b]”it’s her personal life and she had all the rights to live the way she wanted.”
    Conversely this is YOUR personal life and YOU have all the right to live it the way YOU want.[/b]

    Liked by 1 person

    • Because it’s more convenient for men to assume that the lady was taken advantage of, or “used for fun” rather than deal with the true reality of things: that she made an individual choice, that she willingly and (we assume, happily) entered a sexual relationship with a man (shudder!).
      Better to assume your woman is a damaged little doe than a williing participant in her own life.
      Drives me insane.

      Liked by 2 people

    • Want to add that many women would not have entered a physical relationship if they could have peeked into the future and discovered his “dishonourable intentions”. But as posters above said, reasons for this is societal perception and slut shaming.

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    • Maybe because, the female has to bear the consequence, as in bear the child in the womb for 9 months, whereas, the male doesnt have to…? I read somewhere that this is the reason women are brainwashed to NOT have any desire! Because, men can just fulfil their desire and walk away, whereas, women cant.

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      • The very notion of a woman having desire is a threat to patriarchal structures because these structures are built on the denial of this simple fact. Whom she MUST marry (decided by elders) and sleep with, why she MUST marry him (to produce male heirs and serve his clan), and why she MUST stay married (maintain the family’s identity and asset ownership through social constructs like ‘honor’) – each of 3 these pillars crumble the minute she has desires and decides to follow up on them.
        Safer to pretend she doesn’t have any desire. Safer to actively deny avenues for the expression of this desire. Make modesty a virtue and desire a sin. Infantalize women and put them on a pedestal, worship them, so they dare not step down from the pedestal.
        Sometimes I wonder if the sexual revolution in Europe/US helped women free themselves from a lot of shackles that go way beyond sex. If it did, how much of an impact did sexual freedom have on a woman’s overall freedom?

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    • I think having consensual sex is one thing, and destroying your ex-partner’s reputation is totally different.

      Recently some movie stars whose private nude pictures surfaced around the internet called this a sexual crime.

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  3. Talk to her, be open, and get her input, tell her everything, Its her life too, let her decide too.
    I dont see her as having done anything wrong, she was in a marriage – that was incompatible for whatever reason, got divorced, chapter closed.
    She was single an ddecided to be with someone in a relationship , maybe he was married but how is that her fault, she didnt lie, cheat or scam any loved one, she was single at that point. and then he/she ended it fot whatever reason , chapter closed.
    Now shes back to single status and says she loves you . Its time to move forward form here, can you accept this relationship without opening closed chapters? if so go ahead an dsit down and talk. if there are thoughts of prior relationship in your head. leave her, be clear tell her you cant be with her since her past haunts you and be done chapter closed.

    As for parents, explain you rrelationship alone, they have no business prying open her prior life. would your parents like it if she decided to comment on the life of your dad or mom and speculate??? no then they need to be polite too. they should only assess and voice their concern if they thnk you will be unhappy in this relationship.nothing else.
    As for babies !!!! talk to her an dsee where it goes.

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  4. Dear LW, a few years ago I got married to an Indian guy. I am 6 years older than him, and I have kids from my previous relationship. I am also white, bad tempered and work in a non glamourous position. Was the age and previous relationship an issue ? Yes. But we decided to go ahead. Did the parents make a fuss ? Mine did and I don’t know about his. Are we happy ? Yes. and in the process we even had a baby. The road is bumpy but the trip is great !🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. 1. You need to involve your partner in this conversation… but before that you need to make up your own mind about this relationship. How much does it matter to you? Does it matter to you more than your concerns about her ability to have children with you? Does it matter to you more than your parents approval? How much does the situation with the ex bother you? Does her sexual history bother you? All these and similar aspects need to be thought out before you talk to her. Apply your own personal barometers and ask how much it does/doesn’t bother you.

    Unlike the rest of the people here I suggest you to discuss this problem with the other people in your life that you consider trustworthy(be it a friend / relation etc) Be the one to make the final decision BUT be open to other people’s perspective’s . This is especially true in your case since your case seems quite complicated. Trust, but verify your instincts.
    The ultimate aim is to have as few doubts as possible about the decision you make

    2. Secondly , if you decide to continue with the relationship, take your own time and see if the relationship is workable past the current emotion laden situation.

    And yes , a little selfishness will serve you well in the beginning , better problems crop up earlier than later. Your partner has already demonstrated that she is willing to take strong decisions in life, she is an adult and will make her own choices, so should you.
    Remember, its your decision and you will have to live with it, not your partner, not your parents not anyone else.

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  6. I feel like the first two commenters were a bit harsh with this guy. He was just quite honest about his thoughts – some which were not quite kosher – but overall he seems like a good egg. My scrambled thoughts:

    1. The age difference is not a big deal. Once you hit 35 yourself, I don’t think five years will matter than much. One of my closest friends is married to a guy 10 years older (and he was divorced) and they seem very happy. I have at least a couple of aunts and uncles where the aunt is older than the uncle by a couple of years, and they were married in the late 70s.
    2. 35 is not a reason to panic about having babies. As per current scientific knowledge, younger is better for a variety of reasons but none of the reasons is thaaaat crucial, especially because science has provided some solutions too. In Hong Kong where I live, 30 is on the young side for having babies and most women start trying around 35ish. But I agree with other commenters, you need to discuss with her and can’t assume she wants babies or would be willing to have them right away because you want them.
    3. The ex boyfriend sounds like a real piece of work. If he’s going back to his wife, I doubt he’d risk his own reputation by flaunting his past affair. It would be like shooting himself in the foot.
    4. It’s natural to get jealous, especially since the details were rubbed in your face, but let your earlier rational mind prevail. Why is it such a big deal that she has a sexual past?
    5. I sympathise with the desire to convince your parents and have a traditional wedding, but at the end of the day, you have to decide which is more important to you. From your letter, you sound like you are willing to marry her regardless of your parents approval, which sounds like your feelings are deep. So, while your parents’ approval is good to have and you can try to obtain it, don’t promise unrealistic stuff to them just for their approval.
    Also, one thought to comfort yourself with – even if you married the most ideal girl for your family, I’ve noticed in India parents and relatives find something to criticise. I’ve seen parents who picked the bride turning around and criticising her. So it seems quite pointless to try and please other people in this regard.
    6. Fem raised a good point about the need to test your relationship. You need to see if you still have the same feelings in times of peace. Right now it’s all drama, would it be the same when there’s no drama going on?

    Liked by 3 people

    • Also, don’t lie about her age. A factual detail like could be very easily discovered, and then you’ll have another round of drama except you’ll have lost the moral high ground because you tried to hide something. Just be honest and let them deal with the facts, and get the drama over in one go.

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    • Agree with the Bride a 100%.
      Dear LW-if your parent’s opinion is so important to you, address what their real concerns are.

      Are they not okay with her past because of what ‘society’ will say, or because her past makes them question her love for you? The latter can be easily addressed by reassuring them. The former, you will have to just accept. You cannot change someone’s value system abruptly.

      As for example, my brother in law fell in love with a woman 7 years older than him, an American, who was divorced with a toddler to boot. He was 27 at the time. He had to marry in court, and his wife and parents avoid meeting each other. Time has improved things, but not to the extent that it is a happy ending .

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  7. Dear upset guy, you are going through a whirlwind of emotions and tussle between parents’ expectations and your heart. It is perfectly human to feel such irrespective of being a guy or a girl. I am not going to touch on anything like male entitlement and all because I can see through the email that you are already upset and very much in love with this girl. I don’t want to be caustic when you are already so touchy. And I know people DO worry about and baby people they love, believe it or not.
    So anyways, keep calm and tell the girl about your parents and about your concerns of having a child. Find out if you both are on the same page about kids. Then sit with her and talk about how to approach both parents when you meet them. Talking it out with your future life partner will be a huge help. Regarding the other guy, ask her if she is willing to get a court order to stay away. That might help.

    Like

  8. Dear LW,

    I fully sympathize with your situation here. I completely understand what you going through. You don’t want to upset your parents and you dont want to hurt your woman. You are caught up very badly in this situation. But lying to your parents about her age is not the right thing and hiding your parents issues from her is also not right. Tell her straight what you going through. Tell you parents about her age. Be firm on your decision if you really wanna marry her. Tell you parents you are owning up the responsibility of marrying a divorcee and you will never blame your parents if something goes wrong with her in future.Also, you can get married in court, its really not important to get married traditionally when you have lot of issues to deal with. Women can have kids until menopause though probability is not that high. But we have indian actresses giving birth to their first child at 37-38 yrs of age…You live in US where you have advanced technologies. So dont worry about her age and kids. Check this off from your list of worries. Just talk to your parents about it and told them you wont marry anyone else if not this girl. Tell your woman what all you talk to your parents. Dont hide anything. Keep her in loop. Her past is past, everyone has past…You are 30, if your parents find a 25 yrs old, do you think she wont have past? do you think she wouldn’t have fallen in love with someone until 25 yrs of age. Its nearly impossible…You were shy and didnt have past, doesnt mean you ll find one like yourself ! Being a 28 yrs old girl and having a big social circle, I am telling you this 90% of girls of your age will have past….moreover mostly girls in arrange marriage dont tell anything about their past So dont fret over her past….she is honest enough to have told you everything….Check off this one too from your list of worries ! Its just the parents now….Talk to them politely and tell them you are owning up the responsibility and will settle for court marriage if they dont agree.
    Please be regular on this blog and tell us whats the final outcome.

    With love
    FS

    Like

  9. Oh yes the ex boy-friend !
    Tell him you ll logde a complain to cyber cell and police station for trying to outrage her modesty.
    And tell him you ll tell his wife every damn thing and to his parents too…and when his own kids will grow up, you ll tell his kids too. His own kids will start hating him for cheating on their mother.
    If he is threatening you, threaten him back,. Talk to him is his tone. He is such a loser…aise losers ki India mai kami nahi hai ! But dont deter from taking any legal actions if threatens again.

    Like

  10. Fem has articulated almost all that I wanted to say. But here I go still. LW you need to figure out your motives for marrying her, is it to rescue her? Or do you love her truly?

    You need to speak to her about ex bf and his threats because if he intends to carry it out (mostly wont) she needs to know. Also did she decide to love you the moment you confessed your feelings where there was nothing before? Unlike your ‘well wishers’ I wont say that is her being calculative but probably that she is confused and just looking for some man who would love her and isnt really thinking clearly about them being a good match.

    Dont lie to your parents about her age, this isnt a prom date, both of you will have to continue this charade for years. Something tells me you havent told her you plan to lie.

    How cool are you really with her past? Can you promise yourself and her that it wont be a factor when you hit a small rough patch (all relationships have one of them) and that you wont feel like she should be grateful you wanted her despite her past and so she shouldnt complain?

    Have you spoken to her about your concerns and also tried to find out if she has any apprehensions about marriage because of the past? Have you guys pictured what life together would be like once the initial romance wears off? Love should be easy yes but easy doest mean you dont talk about the difficult stuff.

    You say it will be totalky easy to marry her without your folks agreeing, forget all that bluster, think what will you do if they really dont agree? Will you marry her or break up with her under pressure, really think about this.

    Why does she love you? What does she see for your future marriage? What does she think about your parents not agreeing? You seem to have not spoken to her about it. If both your ideas of love are so spur of the moment and about just getting married because someone said I love you then both of you may not be ready for the relationship.

    So think a lot, talk to her a lot and then decide.

    Like

  11. In a different context, Please please consider whether you are always going to regret that you have disappointed your parents if you do end up marrying her. Am talking from the other end…having been divorced one month post marriage since the US educated engineer turned out to be a paranoid schizophrenic…Then I fell in love with a guy who I believed was my true soul mate. However, after 14 years of courtship and 10 years of marriage , his mom takes up every opportunity to point out how he went astray and people conned him…and he doesn’t say a thing to support me. What broke my heart was he looked at one of our wedding picture(we had a grand traditional wedding) and remarked ” see how my parents are looking so sad”. He didn’t see the joy on our faces at all. I truly feel that I would have been better off remaining single..even a murderer is free after 14 years but a divorcee in our Indian society..never.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Why are you letting these people treat you with such disrespect? Wouldn’t it be better to stand up for yourself and ask your husband why he stays married to you if he feels it was such a mistake?

      Like

    • Absolutely untrue, and I will give this comment the thumbs-down. I opted for a divorce some years ago, and turned out to be VERY free AND happy. Post which, I was fortunate to come across, and subsequently marry, a wonderful guy (who, by the way, had never been married before – and didn’t care that I had).

      It’s up to you to hold your head high, or skulk in the shadows like an outcast. Divorce is merely a choice; a choice you make to make your life happier. What’s there to be ashamed of getting rid of a person you can’t bear to be around?Other people can only make you feel bad to the extent you allow them to.

      Like

      • Sorry Ash, not all divorced women are as lucky as you.

        Just because you didn’t face social rejection and prejudices, doesn’t mean that the stigma doesn’t exist.

        I have had close family members treat me differently after my divorce. I have lost touch with old college friends and people who I knew when I was married.

        Gradually, I found that all the people who were a part of my life pre-divorce had chosen to distance themselves. This includes my own brother, which is probably the most painful.

        You were exceptionally lucky to not have faced significant stigma and social rejection.

        Widows and divorced women are treated as pariahs in Indian society, unless your social circle is extremely enlightened and progressive.

        I spent a few years on those god-forsaken matrimonial sites before I remarried.

        I met several divorced men who thought I’d be desperate for a no-strings-attached relationship because divorced women were so lonely, so desperate.

        It was ironic that divorced men thought I was available and desperate and not worthy of a committed relationship.

        My experiences as a formerly divorced woman have made me extremely cynical about men who try to befriend divorced women.

        Very few have honest intentions like the LW. For the vast majority of Indian men, a divorced woman is used goods.

        It’s quite alright to take advantage of her emotional vulnerability, her fear of the future to have some “fun on the side”.

        Like

        • Ash, you are very lucky to have got a second chance at life. My husband had never been married before too. We were truly happy together the first several years of marriage when we were living abroad away from the relatives. The tables turned when me ( in my misplaced magnanimity) suggested that we move back to India when we had our baby so that his parents could enjoy their long awaited and only grandchild.

          Preeti… Thank you for echoing my sentiments. After a while I did stand up for what I thought was right and now we are starting afresh overseas again. The hurt is still there but am trying to work through it.

          The original LW, if you genuinely love her her past shouldn’t matter. If you are thinking that you are saving her then please give it several second thoughts.

          Like

        • Preeti, where in my comment have I said was ‘lucky to be around the right people’?

          I came across plenty of stupid people too. What’s more, I had to give up my job, because my health took a major hit at the same time (I could barely walk for many months) – and I had close people letting go of me because I wasn’t doing them any good by being unhappy and ill and in a general mess. This went on for quite a while, and I was on the verge of letting circumstances get the better of me and giving up. But I don’t think I could have lived with myself, and I don’t call myself ‘lucky’ for it – I find this term quite insulting, in fact, for all that I put in to get things going again for me. It was anything but easy, but it happened.

          I wouldn’t call anyone ‘lucky’ to be around the right people – that is a *choice* which you have a degree of control over. There are toxic people all over the place; some within your closest circle. You can choose the extent of your relationship with them. I learnt (through push and shove) that if you don’t let people treat you with disrespect, you won’t get disrespect. This might mean you have to distance yourself from those who do, but that, again, is a choice you make – get treated poorly, or walk away – and yes, with close relatives too. You decide what’s worth it. There really is a lot of wisdom in the sayings “you can’t tell other people how to behave, but you can choose your reaction to their behavior”, and “you can’t demand respect, but you can reject disrespect”.

          I didn’t expect to marry again, and had worked out an enjoyable life for myself until I got lucky [I will use the term ‘lucky’ only here, and nowhere else🙂 ] and came across a nice chap. But my life was perfectly enjoyable before that too (I filled it with good things, good work, and good people that I found for myself), and it would have continued to be enjoyable, regardless. Marriage hasn’t made me happy, it has made me happier, because I wasn’t unhappy before it.

          There are people out there who will respect you for the person you are, without reference to your marital status. You can look for them. You can do things you enjoy. You can find fulfilling work. Your marital status is not stamped on your person, that wherever you go, it gets displayed to the public. If anyone asks you whether you’re married, why not just say “no” — because you’re not, at the moment? Your marital status is nobody’s business. And divorce is a sensitive and difficult experience, which you are under no obligation to share with just anyone you come across, unless you trust them enough to be on your side. Do you tell people about the all previous jobs you’ve resigned from, when they ask you about your employment status? Likewise.

          There are all kinds of men, a few decent ones, and a LOT of not-so-decent ones. You’ve said: “For the vast majority of Indian men, a divorced woman is used goods.” But you know what? You are what you believe. Not what the majority of Indian men believe. Not what your family and friends and society believe. It’s easier to believe what they say about you, but possible to like yourself for the good person you are. A very close friend went through a divorce at 18, and faced the same shit. She chose to move out of India to study on scholarship. She had no money from her folks, worked two blue collar jobs in one day, studied on the side, earned a degree in science, topped her university, and is a successful scientist today. She is a regular girl like you and me.

          I’m truly sorry to hear that you have had to face so much flak, and I don’t mean to trivialize your experiences at all. I know first-hand that Indian society is an absolute bitch. I’m glad things worked out for you, and I wish you every happiness.

          I firmly believe that it is possible to work around your circumstances and look for happiness wherever you are. This is not an up-in-the-air, on-paper quotation, but it really can be done. Of course, it needs a potload of hard work, difficult decisions, and a lot of push and shove. Anyone who just blames society for it all will invariably feel unhappy and persecuted. So, please don’t call folks like us ‘lucky’; yourself included. We’ve worked our heads off and faced a lot of flak, to get where we are, and to call that ‘lucky’ is rather insulting.🙂

          Liked by 2 people

        • ….. Besides there’s always a chance that life will kick you in the nuts again. You can be happy for years making ends meet, and then something just breaks in the middle… like MNayak said, they were happy for years and then, well, there were problems.

          Life is full of hits and difficult decisions, and there are absolutely no guarantees – not family, not your spouse, not friends, not society, not even your health. You’ve got keep trying the best you can. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

          I really think it’s time we stopped just blaming society. That’s the easy thing to do. Nothing is going to change here for a few generations, at the very least. What can we do, but find keep hunting for niches that work for us, and extend our own decent thinking to whoever is willing to listen?

          Like

    • Nayak,
      Its very unfair on your husband’s part to treat you this way !Please stand up for yourself !
      Hasty arrange marriages where its difficult to diagnose anything about girls and boys can result in terminated marriage !
      With the kind of BS going on nowadays,people are even conned into bad marriages !
      You can’t live like this !

      Like

  12. People coming from bad breakup sometimes are very confused about themselves and what they want ! Not to be judgemental but this lady has gone through a broken marriage, then few years with a married man !
    She comes across as someone with very poor judgement and thoughtless !
    You on other hand are totally inexperienced in any relationship prior to this one !

    I think you need to give this relationship some time !Forget marriage for sometime !

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well, I wouldn’t label her as thoughtless or anything. People can make mistakes. It doesn’t define who they are. She was in a vulnerable frame of mind, and it isn’t uncommon for people to latch onto whatever means of support or fulfillment they can get, after a traumatic experience. I wouldn’t be to soon to judge. She might make a good partner, after all.

      Can you not refer, in your own head, to words and phrases like “he has used her” and so on? The more you turn sex into a big deal, the more it will bother you — I think, as long as she isn’t cheating on you, what she chose to do before she got together with you is nobody’s business. You seem to be a nice guy, and while your partner’s past relationships may well make you JEALOUS (no, that’s not a guy thing), you’ll have to learn to let these thoughts go if you really want to be happy with her.

      BUT … I would caution the letter writer AND the lady to not jump into a marriage at this point. Reason? There seems to be too much turmoil going around, and it doesn’t seem to be over. Dealing with families and interfering relatives and plans for kids should come at a much later stage. First, sort your own emotions and insecurities out … both of you. Honest, open communication is the probably the only way to do that. So, talk.

      Like

      • I don’t endorse women knowingly having affairs with married men !
        I understand sometimes a woman can be conned/not know marital status of the person she is having a relationship !
        However,once a person comes to know the guy is married, she needs to separate from that person ,not continue the affair and not insist he dumps wife,children to be with her etc !
        Sure ,a lot of feelings are involved but the right thing will always be to leave till the guy decides on his own what he wants to do with his marriage !

        Like

        • Hey, I don’t endorse such affairs either; not at all, in fact. It’s always the sanest and the right thing to walk away from a married person. Even so, it’s very easy to say what one ‘should’ or ‘should not’ do. Sometimes, you just cannot do the right thing when you’re in a mess of a situation. That doesn’t make you a bad person. That just makes you human.

          I would advise the LW and the lady to sort things out in their own heads for a while. A relationship started in messy circumstances is unlikely to hold, and more turmoil is that last thing they need.

          Like

  13. The LW has not responded to the various allegations here, so I wonder if he is still reading this. For whatever it is worth, here are my two pennies:

    This lady has gone through a lot in life. Like others have said before, she is likely to be extremely confused and needs time to sort out in her head what she wants of life.

    LW, you have a set of your own issues to sort out before you take a leap forward regarding marriage, leave alone having kids.
    a. You need to ask yourself how much her ‘past’ really means to you. While I agree with others here that it is only that – her past – I cannot deny that you might have your own take on the matter and I shall not sit on judgment of that. But you certainly need to ask yourself why you keep thinking of her ex (apart from the fact that he is threatening you – for which I’d say threaten him back; he has no ground to stand on) or about her having ‘been’ with him. Does her sexual past have any bearing on the present? If it does, in the sense, if it is coming in the way of her being open to a relationship with you, you need to do some thinking. Even if it means you are not able to come to terms with her previous relationships, you still need to re-consider.

    b. You have not mentioned anything about what she thinks or feels about marriage, kids etc. You certainly need to talk to her about how she feels. Don’t take it for granted that she should feel grateful and toe whatever lines you draw just because you have accepted her with her past. Does she want kids? Does she want to get married?

    c. We cannot judge your parents or your society based on ideals. They have their upbringing and indoctrination. So let us leave them to their way of thinking. The more important question is, do you have the courage to stand up for in the face of opposition from your parents. Rest assured, even if your parents come round now, for your sake, they are going to harbour resentment life long and might take it out on her – active or passive aggression – in your absence. Will you be able to believe her if she speaks out against your parents? Will you be able to stand up for her and set up a separate life for yourselves? This is an extremely vital consideration. Even arranged marriages where the dil is of the parents’ choice end up with a lot of issues; your case is going to be totally different.

    d. You MUST inform her of the opposition from your family. She has the right to take an informed decision regarding whether she wants to get into this situation or now. After all she has already been through hell and back and she may not want to go through more. If she chooses not to, better the split comes now than later.

    It would really be best for you to think, talk to her and take time in coming to a decision. Marriage is not about jumping in, taking into consideration chronological numbers. It is a lot more – it is about compatibility, willing to compromise and make adjustments from both sides (some you win, some you lose), willing to face social changes in your life and a lot more.

    Take you time and think before you leap.

    Like

  14. If you want to get married, then get married. Nothing can stop you. Your parents will adjust. It is just an initial shock they will get over. Plus, I don’t think her sexual history has anything to do with the future. I think she just hadn’t found the right guy. And screw her ex – he is just jealous.

    Take it from me, I married a Tamil Brahmin Iyengar. If I can do it, anybody can do it LOL.

    Like

  15. Pingback: “I am saddened to read that many people here think that a second divorce is the end of the world.” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  16. Pingback: But if there is so much of hesitation in spending time to know a person… aren’t the marriage hopefuls playing with fire? | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  17. I would like to thank everyone for taking time out to read my story and provide suggestions on the same. I have read through every comment on your blog and wanted to clarify certain things as there are some unanswered questions.
    I am not good in articulating situation but after reading the responses here, I thought I was conveying my view on the whole situation even before explaining the situation itself correctly and completely.

    -First of all I am NOT thinking that I am doing her a favour whatsoever by marrying her. She is smart, beautiful, and independent and has a good job. She also takes care of her elderly parents back home being the only child. So any man would be lucky to have her as a partner. Neither do I think of her as someone with defects because she was crystal clear about her past relationship before we even started this relationship. She clearly did mention that she was involved physically because she was in relationship and I should be OK with that.

    Yes, I did get a bit paraniod and confused about her past and the whole situation because I have never been in any relationship before. Also that was my way of justifying what she has done although I am not judging her for any of it.
    She did not just jump into this relationship once our initial conversation happened. Although she started responding to this relationship, she was more concerned about breaking up with this man who was willing to divorce his wife for her. Although we liked each other, she kept telling me that she would be cheating a man who is divorcing his wife for her and there is no future for us (until she broke up with him).

    About having children, I spoke to her and we are of the same wave length. She is more eager than me to have a kid since her biological clock is ticking. I was only trying to portrait my point of view rather than me making the decision alone. I also did not mention one thing in my initial letter (intentionally) because I didn’t wanted to make a big thing out of it. She actually became pregnant because of this ex-school friend 3 years back and had an abortion as well. This knew even before our relationship by mistake (when she sent a text to me instead of him. Ironically both our name start from same letter. of course, I promised her I wouldn’t discuss this with anyone.

    And NO I am NOT looking for a Virgin who would just nod to everything I say and be a good DIL to my parents. If that’s what I wanted then I would have got married two years back when my parents started showing girls for arrange marriages. I am looking for a life partner who would be compatible to me and can live a happy life and be a good mother to my children. Yes, I expect her to be nice and respectful to my parents and take care of my parents to a certain extent when need arises but this goes both the ways. I have already told her that I will do whatever I can to keep her parents happy and we can take care of her parents since she is the only child. Also we have decided that we will not be living together with my parents even if we go back to India my parents are ok with that.

    I will still stick to my point/opinion about her Ex. school friend. This is because I have seen their relationship very close. She told me everything as to how it started. I really do not want to go there again and explain everything but let’s just leave it at the fact that my stand point about this chap will always be that he is an opportunist. Off late I also heard that he is not going back with his wife and seeing another divorcee. Whatever it is I would rather not discuss about him anymore and waste my time. I just don’t want him to create any problems in our marriage (which is one of the reasons why we are keeping our wedding very low profile among out friends)
    Also she was not completely blind folded about my parent’s disagreement but neither was everything transparent to her. Before I left to India recently I told her everything we came up with an action plan as to how we can convince them. Her parents had also visited US recently to see her when I met them. They were happy with this relationship and gave us a confidence that things will be fine.

    I also noticed some readers suggested that we are jumping into marriage. We both know each other for almost 9 years as friends. Although we were not in relationship we are living together for the last 4 years and been in relationship for a year and half. My personal opinion is that we know each other enough to move our relationship into next level. Also with age factor and our desire to have kid, sooner the better for us to get married.

    Update:
    I recently did travel to India and discussed this matter with my parents. Although my father was reluctant I convinced him to finally meet her parents. I told him I have already made up my mind and if they don’t agree this time I would rather not get married at all. This time it was actually much easier than I thought.
    I have younger brother who is 2 years younger to me and he indicated to my parents that he would like to get married in a year or two. I guess that pressure also added to my family that they just wanted me to get married and look girl for him. Because in my community if the guy don’t get married by 30 then either he is not straight or he has an affair with someone.
    I told them everything including the age difference and divorce. My dad suggested that we will not tell these two things to any of relatives or friends and let’s leave as it is until we get married. Both our parents have met and decided the wedding date early next year. I am happy that this is all coming through as I had hoped for. Now our wedding is arranged in early next year and we both will be travelling back to get married🙂

    I was actually surprised to see my dad is slowly actually standing up for me against all relatives and supporting this wedding.

    My relatives have started gossiping about this and some of them called my home and asked to send back the bride photos they had sent earlier for my younger brother. People have spoken to such an extent of saying that I could be impotent or someone is black mailing me which is why I made such decision. Some of our relatives have cut all the ties with my family back home but it’s not only negative from all my relatives. One of my aunts said not everyone has the guts to do what I am doing and she is really proud of my principles.
    I strongly believe that my parent’s will like her over a period of time when they visit us some time in future. Hopefully time is the best medicine for this and everything will fall in place over a period of time.

    Like

    • Hello LW,

      Congratulations!!!
      I admire your stand and way you handled.

      I am also into similar entangle. I am 33 and love a girl older by 3 years to me. She has recently got her divorcee and has a 7 years kid. I know the girl since last 8 years.

      However my parents are from a conservative society and disapproving my stand. I am the only son and they love me but still not giving up, emotionally making me weak in my decisions. I love my parents and the girl whom i have chosen. i am not able to balance and negotiate the situation.

      As i am stuck due to my parents, the groom whom i have chosen has started feeling hatredness for my parents, “Priority and Insecurity” complexity. And my parents feel she is not right fit for me as she is older, have a kid and had a breakup after 14 years of marriage, “Society and Status” complexity.

      we both have been terribly fighting and loosing respect through verbal duels but still believe we both have some feelings for each other. I am completely shattered. she is not understanding what i am going through as i have to break few jinx and find myself lonely with all the blames. I need support and encouragement rather accusation and cornered. May be i am expecting too much but believe once i am able to get through the parents piece then rest of my life could be focussed on the future along with her.

      Dont know if anyone can help me but as was reading through this article could not stop myself.

      Thanks for showing patience to read through!!!

      PP

      Like

  18. Cngrts dude. so lucky u are. I am facing almost same problem. she is three years elder than me. she z a divorcee. she is having type 1 diabetes. I love her irrespective of all these. but couldn’t convince my parents as they are very conservative. my dad went so sick that we had to take hi to psychiatrist. he stopped talking to anybody. now to bring hm back I agreed to marry somebody else..i just lost the battle

    Like

  19. Ok I read this, well half of it. I honestly got tired of so much drama .

    First learn biology please. Women can have kids until her early 40’s and some cases early 50’s and with so much technology you can provably have a kid your self.

    Second stop just stop worrying and wondering about her pass. Your family would not accept her that is a given based on what you said but she does not sleep with them ok. So they just have to get along with her and deal with it. The problem I see is you! You need to accept her the way she is with pass and everything. As you said you could have told her you love her a while ago but you did not, so life happens. I understand your family is important but for God sake live YOUR life is only one and make sure you are loving your life. Nothing nor anyone else matters. Stop the drama please. You are not the first guy nor the last who fall for a girl that has been marry or older than you. Guess what is more normal than you think, specially in US. Which brings me to the second point. You live in US not India . I do not say leave all your costumes behind but just leave the ones that cause you drama. Lastly please, please become a real MAN! Stand up for your self and ideas. I hope this help you in the process.

    Like

  20. Ok I read this, well half of it. I honestly got tired of so much drama .

    First learn biology please. Women can have kids until her early 40’s and some cases early 50’s and with so much technology you can provably have a kid your self.

    Second stop just stop worrying and wondering about her pass. Your family would not accept her that is a given based on what you said but she does not sleep with them ok. So they just have to get along with her and deal with it. The problem I see is you! You need to accept her the way she is with pass and everything. As you said you could have told her you love her a while ago but you did not, so life happens. I understand your family is important but for God sake live YOUR life is only one and make sure you are loving your life. Nothing nor anyone else matters. Stop the drama please. You are not the first guy nor the last who fall for a girl that has been marry or older than you. Guess what is more normal than you think, specially in US. Which brings me to the second point. You live in US not India . I do not say leave all your costumes behind but just leave the ones that cause you drama. Lastly please, please become a real MAN! Stand up for your self and ideas. I hope this help you in the process.

    Like

  21. Hello LW,

    Congratulations!!!
    I admire your stand and way you handled.

    I am also into similar entangle. I am 33 and love a girl older by 3 years to me. She has recently got her divorcee and has a 7 years kid. I know the girl since last 8 years.

    However my parents are from a conservative society and disapproving my stand. I am the only son and they love me but still not giving up, emotionally making me weak in my decisions. I love my parents and the girl whom i have chosen. i am not able to balance and negotiate the situation.

    As i am stuck due to my parents, the groom whom i have chosen has started feeling hatredness for my parents, “Priority and Insecurity” complexity. And my parents feel she is not right fit for me as she is older, have a kid and had a breakup after 14 years of marriage, “Society and Status” complexity.

    we both have been terribly fighting and loosing respect through verbal duels but still believe we both have some feelings for each other. I am completely shattered. she is not understanding what i am going through as i have to break few jinx and find myself lonely with all the blames. I need support and encouragement rather accusation and cornered. May be i am expecting too much but believe once i am able to get through the parents piece then rest of my life could be focussed on the future along with her.

    Dont know if anyone can help me but as was reading through this article could not stop myself.

    Thanks for showing patience to read through!!!

    PP

    Like

  22. HI LW

    You say your ”girl friend has done a mistake and its ok ,everyone does mistakes”. But i dont think she has committed any mistake. Women after breakup are quite vulnerable ,they feel insecure about their future ,and feel worthless . Its completely understandable why she got into the relationship with her school ex and the same insecurity feeling has led her to the relationship with you too. And women can bear kids in their 40s too , are you not reading and seeing it everywhere, even if she cannot bear children, then you could adopt a child ? you say you sometimes feel to break up with her rather than going through this trauma . I feel that its a very good idea as she deserves someone better than YOU.

    Like

  23. hello…wateva u like…u can do it..pls make ur parents to get convinced n get married to her n give life to her..cz she will be wit u for life long n nt ur parents rite…

    Like

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