What would you say to this email writer? Should the woman being older or being divorced be the biggest concern here?
What would your advice be?
After a lot of thinking I decided to write my story to you and seek some advice.
I am 30 year old single guy and I come from a middle class family. My upbringing was fairly tough but manage to get good job and have been supporting my parents since I was 22. My parents have given me good value, education and everything they could get to make my life good. Today whatever I am is because of my parents and I am really thankful to them for all that.
I am a very reserved guy never really had any female cousins or friends and never interacted with any girls in school or college (studied in boys only school). I always thought first I need to get good job, start earning and then think of relationship. Also how do we guys get a chance in this conservative, Indian middle class society? Settling abroad was always my dream and by god’s grace, I did manage to move to US.
While working in my initial job in India when I was 22, I met this girl who became my best friend. She was five years older to me. She was married and looked as though well settled in life.
I later got to know from someone else that she had applied for divorce. We use to catch up on weekends for some classes and she used to tell me that she is just out of divorce and didn’t know what her future was and so on. Without knowing I had developed some sort of affection towards her but obviously the age difference and not knowing where things might end up in our conservative Indian society, I never really told her I liked her.
Just before I moved abroad, we and few of our good friends went on a trip and we caught up with some of her old school friends. One guy in that lot was apparently her ex from school days and was already married with a kid (Lets call him Mr. ex school friend). I noticed that she was very close to him throughout this trip and it actually irritated me although being the type of guy I am, I never showed anything. I don’t know if I was right or not but it looked to me as if this guy was just trying to get close to her. I didn’t say anything because it was NONE of my business.
After that trip, I moved abroad and started a new life. I got to know that she started a relationship/affair with Mr. ex school friend. Apparently he told her that he was not happy with his wife and was going to divorce her (but never really did) and continued relationship with her. I don’t know if it’s true or not, I always felt this guy was taking advantage of her vulnerability because she was just out of divorce and was scared of an unknown future.
Later that year she too moved to NY and asked me if we could share a flat since we knew each other. I agreed because she was my friend. After this we became close again.
Mr. ex school friend use to visit her once or twice a year or she use to go to India and spend time with him. Apparently he got places in a different city in India and he tried to separate from his wife.
I also had been to India couple of times to see some brides as I thought arrange marriage was my fate. Never really had the courage to even propose to a girl in my life. She knew all about this, in fact she even tried to set me up with few of her friends but never really worked out. I kept rejecting all arranged marriage alliances at home because I always wanted to fall in love and get married to someone I know, although my family is very conservative.
She was forcing Mr. ex school friend for commitment, asking him to divorce his wife but he just kept pushing forward while having all the fun with her. I just couldn’t stand this guy because I knew what he was doing with her was wrong but I really couldn’t tell her anything because it’s her personal life and she had all the rights to live the way she wanted.
Then early last year we had a house party and most of us started discussing our personal lives. I got a little tipsy on that day and all my frustration came out. I told her how much I liked her since the beginning and how this guy was just having fun with her. I also told her I loved her.
After that somehow we fell in love. She was five years older to me. I didn’t think about our future, but just started liking everything about her.
She never hid anything about me from Mr. ex school friend, since day one.
He knew she was sharing the flat with me and he knew we were best friends. When he visited NY next they had a big fight. He told her that he will divorce his wife immediately and wanted to get married to her. She said she wanted a bit of time which he never really liked.
She told me all that love she had for 5 years was lost somehow. He was very gutted when he went back because he probably didn’t get what he wanted when he was here.
After he went back he apparently told her parents about their relationship including every detail of what they did (I hope you understand what I mean) and how she is not willing to accept his marriage offer. He spoke very bad about her character. This is when she decided to break up with him.
He also wrote couple of times to me saying some really cheap thoughts about her like he slept with her and I am with what he already used and left and so on… obviously I was hurt, very badly hurt… After all I am also human and even I do have feelings.
I knew she had done a mistake by getting involved with Mr. ex school friend, but who doesn’t make mistakes? We are all human beings and we all do mistakes and that’s what makes us what we are today.
Sometimes I do feel am I the reason for all this but I never really planned any of this to happen. Things just happened. We just clicked and fell into this without knowing.
This year we started thinking about future. I know she loves me and I love her too. Early this year when my parents asked me if I liked someone in states as they didn’t mind me getting married to anyone I liked. Then I indirectly told them about this girl. As expected they were very furious and crying and all that. They had seen this girl closely because she use to live close to my house when she was initially married. Then they had also heard about her affair with Mr. ex school friend, from a close relative.
A few close friends who knew us from initial days also started advising, saying things like if she can leave some one for you, she can also leave you after few years, that she was very cunning, an opportunist and so on. Some relatives added fuel to fire, saying, “She has lived with someone, how can you live with her? How would your future be? Will she have kids? What will your kids think about her past? We had shown you so many good looking girls!” And so on. Literally everything.
I was so broken and had gone so weak in my mind that I thought I might as well break up with her and marry someone else just to be out of this trauma. But I didn’t.
I never told her about any of these because I know she will get hurt listening to all this.
Then I started thinking positive this was my first love, my first relationship, I should fight for this. All these thoughts held me. I just didn’t want to go with the flow and be another one in the crowd. So what if she is 5 years older to me, we have this great chemistry going together. She is with me now. I need to accept her the way she is.
I also don’t want to hate my parents because they are good people just that they don’t know what kind of girl she is. All they have is a perception about her from someone else. Also just because they disagree with some of my decision/opinion doesn’t make them bad people and I can’t stop loving them.
Some time I do go very weak and think about how she was with the guy I couldn’t stand and every time I come across any of his gifts to her or his message or an email I just go so weak in my mind. Feel very low and feel like I am going into depression.
May be it’s a guy thing and will take some time to get over.
I do get questions in my mind like will she be pregnant as she is 35 because I love babies. I would love to be a father in future. Also I love girl child and hope for twin girls in future. If she can’t get pregnant doesn’t mean I am going to leave her because I truly love her. I probably have to find other ways like IVF or adoption but just little tensed that’s it.
Now I need to somehow find a way to convince my parents. I was planning not tell her age to them. I will just say we are the same age and they already know she is a divorcee. They are just not accepting her. I probably will involve someone else in the family and try to convince them. I want to get married in our traditional way because that’s something what my parents did and I want to do it too. Not sure if this is all going to be possible in our traditional, conservative and judgemental Indian society but I hope I can do it.
I am travelling to India back again in a months time and I have already started thinking about it and feeling low.
It would take a minute to go against my parents and get married on my own but I want to do it with their blessings. I don’t want them to put their face down in society to say that I ran away and got married to someone. If they don’t agree I probably will end up doing this. I know they will be hurt at the same time I will be hurt as well because end of the day they are my parents and I know for sure she will also be hurt because she will think all this problem is because of her…
Also Mr. ex school friend has threatened that he will never let our marriage happen. He would make pics from his affair public to my family and so on (just goes to show how cheap this guy and what type of mentality he’s got). And guess what, he is going back to his wife now which pissed me off even more. Felt like this guy just had fun with her for a while and went back to where he was. Anyway at least it’s good for his kid and he won’t bother us anymore.
I fumbled across your blog when I was searching for how to convince Indian parents for marrying a divorcee and thought should share my story with you. Also if any of your readers have successful marriage stories of an older women/younger men, that would give me more confidence.
Some tips would help.
Not sure if this is worth publishing but do give it a read and let me know your opinion. And of course if you do publish, would love to hear from your readers.
‘I hear things like “Good luck for your bleak future” and “Drop charges, else no man will ever remarry you”…’
Shuddh Desi Romance : When Getting Married and Staying Married is not an Indian woman’s life purpose.