Shadi ke baad ladki ki PRIORITY sasuraal ki taraf ho jaati hai?

Tradition, family values and custom are often used to enforce something (convenient for the enforcer) that  seems to defy logic, fair play or common sense. 

Which is why we hear things like, “Shadi ke baad ladki ki PRIORITY sasuraal ki taraf ho jaati hai”, which roughly translates to – After marriage, a girl’s priorities change in favour of her sasural or marital home.

And since many get away with this sort of abuse, we have a Skewed Gender Ratio.

Because, only when Indian parents are in a position to view their daughters as their own children (and not as future daughters in law) would they be able to Want, Welcome and Enjoy having and bringing up their girl children. [link].

Sharing an email. 

Dear Indian homemaker,

I need help from you and other readers. If you can kindly share my story.
Here’s what’s bothering me soooooooo much:-
I am a working woman and my mother in law is driving me CRAZY.
According to my mother in law after my marriage I am not allowed to do any “seva/support” towards my widow mother. It’s all my brother’s responsibility.
I have to do EVERYTHING for my in laws now on since I am married.
I have to wake up at the time my mother in law thinks is appropriate, do things around the house (household chores), am not allowed to talk back, am not allowed to have a mind of my own, get loads of gold from my mom .
What I am simply not able to understand is :- why am I not allowed to do seva for my mother? After all it’s my mother who has given me life and not my in laws.
My mother never discriminated between her son and daughter. Not in any manner. Gave both the same love, educational opportunities, food, clothing, basically everything.
My logic is this:- it’s my mother who gave me life, raised me, spent crores on my education to make me a successful career woman, basically from A TO Z did EVERYTHING a parent can do and beyond for me . While within 3 weeks of marriage if my mother demands unconditional devotion towards herself:- the way I see it :- she has not done ANYTHING for me; she has not given me life, has not raised me, spent crores on my education.
I am NOT against doing ” seva” for my in laws.
But I do NOT understand why it is only my brother’s responsibility to look after my widow mother in her old age, and age related diseases.
I need to point out that my brother lives in USA . While my mother and mother in law both live in the same city in India.

Common sense is telling me my mother in law is the most selfish person on the planet and I am hating her more and more by the day.

Even to meet my mother; my mother in law expects a three step process :-
1) my mother has to take permission from my mother in law.
2) I have to take permission from my mother in law. (though with all the bitterness that is growing inside me, u feel like calling her monster in law and not mother in law).
3) I have to take permission from my husband in order to see my mother.
I am a cosmopolitan girl with a very liberal progressive outlook.
All this seems like total and absolute gibberish to me. Her views. Her expectations. Her demands. They do not make any sense to me .
Cause it totally defies all logic and common sense.

But I am still writing this letter to you in DESPERATION cause I am losing my peace of mind and sanity trying to understand the monster in law. I swear I will go insane if I keep all that’s going on bottled up inside me. According to my viewpoint :- am more than willing to give my in laws respect, care, live, understanding, help in their old age. Support in any and every manner.

But why would I not do the same for my mother?
Agreed I am married.
But my mother is not dead to me.
My gratitude towards her is not dead.
Why is it only my brothers responsibility to look after her? Also him living in USA for professional reasons makes it harder for him to be there for her as much as I can as both my MAIKA and sasuraal are here in the same city.
Basically my monster in law keeps repeating the same thing over and over again.

She says :-” Shadi ke baad ladki ki PRIORITY sasuraal ki taraf ho jaati hai”.

I have not heard this saying before. But monster in law keeps repeating that over and over and over again .
My question to you is, is that a commonly heard saying?
And even if it is :- I do not understand the LOGIC behind it . Cause within 3 weeks of marriage, REALISTICALLY speaking I will not be more in love with my in laws than my own mother. [link] And isn’t the person we love more going to be our priority?
Isn’t the person we have MOST gratitude towards going to be our priority??
Also I need to add :- isn’t the gravity of the situation going to determine who our priority will be??
My mother has to undergo a MAJOR life threatening operation. What I am trying to say it’s a surgery in which there are chances of mortality (death) and morbidity.
While my monster in law only needs me in sasuraal to cook. I agree my monster in law also does not keep good health . But there are other male members in the family. Why can’t they help her in the cooking or hire a maid or get tiffin service? They have enough money, by the way, to be able to afford tiffin or maid .

But my evil monster in law keeps saying :- it’s my brother’s responsibility .

My brother cannot come to India cause his infant child is not well at all.
There’s way too much more I need to write; but honestly I am totally going crazy with all this stress.
Am simply not able to understand why it is only my brother’s responsibility?
Why do I need permission from anyone to see my own mother?

Why should sasuraal be priority whilst the gratitude lies towards MAIKA ??

What is the logic behind it all???
It does not make any sense to me???
Please please help.
I want honest opinion of yours and of readers.
Also I think it’s worth mentioning that the monster in law who keeps giving me all these lectures about sasuraal being priority :- she herself never stayed in her sasuraal, lived in a nuclear family :-  did not allow her husband to send money home to her husband’s parents in village, did not care for her in laws in their old age, did not allow her husband’s siblings to come stay with them while they desperately needed to!
So am I right to conclude that she is a super selfish woman who only thinks about what’s convenient for her?
And even if she’s the kind of person who believes that I am ” parayee” for my mother now that I am married :- then why expect gold from my mother for sasuraal if I am parayee now? My monster in law says :- ” ladki to jab bhi Maike jaati hai, Kuch na Kuch leke hi aati hai apne yahaan se gold ka”.
Regards,
An Anonymous DIL
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120 thoughts on “Shadi ke baad ladki ki PRIORITY sasuraal ki taraf ho jaati hai?

  1. Your MIL is crazy.You don’t need anyone’s permission to take care of your mom.Tell her it is her son’s responsibility to take care of her if she demands more. Don’t let her boss over, the more you let her, the more she will demand of you.You deserve better & you don’t have to put up with this!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. …she herself never stayed in her sasuraal, lived in a nuclear family :- did not allow her husband to send money home to her husband’s parents in village, did not care for her in laws in their old age, did not allow her husband’s siblings to come stay with them while they desperately needed to!

    SAME PINCH. Just wondering if you married that God forsaken ex of DG.
    It is sheer bullying. The problem is between you and your spouse not able to communicate what your priorities are in the marriage and duties towards each other and respective parents.

    Here are some tools to prepare yourself for “the talk”:

    http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/your-rights-in-a-relationship/
    http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/assertiveness-learn-to-say-no/
    http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/feeling-and-expressing-your-emotions/

    http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/dealing-with-in-laws/
    http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/ask-before-marrying/

    Sooner you have the talk the better it will be. Make some ground rules and stick to it. Do your homework in writing and then when you have one on one sit with a pen and paper. This is DG’s experience.

    http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/lets-talk-communication-deadlock/
    http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2010/02/23/desi-son-obligated-to-take-care-of-mother/

    Peace,
    Desi Girl

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  3. LW, I like the spirit I see in your letter. I really do. I sense self respect and fire in you lurking from behind the traditional path you have chosen to follow.

    1. You should not do “seva” for anyone. A bit of give and take is the lifeblood of relationships, so do whatever you want to do for anyone you like, if doing so makes you happy. If it doesn’t make you happy or contented, don’t do it. Seva means ‘to serve’ and you should not be a servant to anyone.

    2. You say you have to do EVERYTHING for your in laws now that you are married. Well, you don’t HAVE to do anything of the sort. Refuse. Respect shall no longer be given unless it is received.

    3. All family members are all other family members’ responsibility – that’s what a family is all about. Depending on the circumstances, individual families should decide who will under take what responsibility at what time. In this case, it looks like you have to deal with your mother and help her through this difficult time. Do it. Don’t let anyone stop you. Remember that your mother may not have long to live and sort out your priorities. Give her the time you may never get with her afterwards.

    4. Don’t sit down and start to analyse these things. Just go with what your heart wants. If you want to go and give your mother help, please pack your bags and go to her. Spend time with her, as much as you want. There is no need for you to worry about all the distinctions about who has done what for you and whose responsibility is what. Let others worry about it, you ignore them. They must have a lot of free time. I’m sure you don’t, what with a job and an ailing mother.

    5. Don’t follow other people’s rules for living your life, and this includes your mother in law. Set some rules in your life – rules that make YOU happy and those that are good for YOU – and abide by them. Tell your MIL to go boil her head in no uncertain terms.

    6. Why do you have “gratitude” towards your mother? She gave birth to you, presumably by her own choice, so all that she did for you when you were a child was her responsibility. There is no need for gratitude. Love, respect and mutual understanding are the backbone of relationships. Gratitude just makes for skewed and flawed relationships.

    7. You are not a “cosmopolitan girl with a very liberal progressive outlook”. If you had been such a person, you would not have agreed to move in to a patriarchal set up in the first place. You would have questioned your husband why he can’t come and live with your mother if you indeed had to live with your parents in the first place. So no, you are a traditional woman who has followed a patriarchal path in her marriage.

    8. Do you even have a husband? You haven’t mentioned him at all. Your lack of mention of your husband means that you are not holding him to account, and that’s again a patriarchal attitude. Your husband’s mother is your husband’s problem mainly, just as your mother is yours. Is your husband going to do “seva” for your mother? If not, then why is this situation even occurring? Because you are in a patriarchal set up.

    Get out of this mindset of seva and gratitude and worrying about what other people think. Look at the ground realities of your life, and decide accordingly. Take your husband into the decision making. If he is not cooperative, then you might even need to rethink your marital relationship.

    Liked by 4 people

    • I agree with everything you say, but “You are not a “cosmopolitan girl with a very liberal progressive outlook”. If you had been such a person, you would not have agreed to move in to a patriarchal set up in the first place. You would have questioned your husband why he can’t come and live with your mother if you indeed had to live with your parents in the first place. So no, you are a traditional woman who has followed a patriarchal path in her marriage.”

      This is very harsh and uncalled for. How is it helpful?

      Liked by 1 person

      • It wasn’t meant to be harsh. It’s something the LW should realise. She obviously thinks that being liberal and progressive is something positive, and I pointed out that she can be progressive in reality if she demands more for herself. Understanding the situation and the self is most important in order to free oneself from social shackles. The LW feels that the situation is wrong, but she is unable to pinpoint on why it is wrong. So yes, I think it’s helpful.

        A lot of people posting here call themselves liberal and progressive merely because their parents allowed them to study and work and because their husbands don’t tell them what to wear, and then wonder how the hell they ended up in a situation like this. They often don’t realise that they have done things that perpetrate patriarchy. So pointing it out is not just helpful, it’s actually important.

        Liked by 3 people

        • > They often don’t realise that they have done things that perpetrate patriarchy.

          I don’t think there is a person alive who hasn’t done tons of things to perpetuate patriarchy. Among these things is a tendency to blame women and hold them responsible for being victimized by patriarchy, instead of blaming patriarchy and showing solidarity for its victims.That is what’s coming across as wrong in your comment to me.

          Your comment comes across as condescending and hostile, first of all, because telling someone “You are not [who you think you are]. If you had been, you would not have [done X, Y, or Z]” is condescending and hostile.

          And secondly, you pointing out all the things women do to “perpetrate” patriarchy might be helpful when it’s a behavior they can change, but when it’s something they have already done, it is victim blaming. In this case, you’re pointing to the LW saying “look, you got arranged married and moved to sasuraal, you “perpetrated” patriarchy!” That’s victim blaming. Same as telling someone to stick with friends at the party they are about to go to is helpful, but telling them “You should have stuck with friends!” after they have been assaulted at the party is victim blaming.

          Solidarity, please. Blame where it belongs. Not on victims, but on pepetrators who perpetuate patriarchy.

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        • Nandini, I consider that everyone in patriarchy is a victim. The MIL herself is a victim and as for the husband, he too has no idea why he should change the status quo but don’t tell me he is happy under this set up. The only way out for everyone is awareness. There is more at stake for the LW than for the others, but everyone suffers.

          What you are saying about all of us doing things to perpetuate patriarchy is exactly my point. We all do it! And we do it because very often, we don’t realise what an action implies or worse, we do it mindlessly because it is the norm. By pointing out mistakes that people have done is not victim blaming. It is essential for us to realise where we actually stand, which is basically not where we think we stand.

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      • @goobe
        What is harsh about it? (scratches head).
        It is totally called for.
        It is helpful to remove misunderstanding on the part of the LW. If the LW does not find out that is really ‘liberal’, then she will continue living in this rut, never knowing what she CAN do.

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    • Hubby has left for uk to rejoin his job , he took few weeks leave for marriage. I am waiting for visa. Before marriage I made sure that he is not a momma’s boy cause life is unbearable with a momma’s boy. But now he has completely changed colours and is acting like a typical momma’s boy!

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      • This is even better! If your husband is not even in town, then what is stopping you from packing your bags and moving in with your mother? That’s really what you should do. Don’t even bother to ask anyone anything. Put your foot down, and since you are newly married, this is the BEST chance you will have to show them that you are no puppet. Do it and gain control of your life before they succeed in breaking you. I assure you they will break you if you let things stand as they are. Good luck!

        Liked by 1 person

        • LOVE this suggestion. LW, please take heed. This is a fantastic idea. There is nothing to stop you, except your own self. Be brave. Leave now!

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        • Exactly! Why the hell are you even staying with your MIL when your husband is not there! Don’t follow traditions blindly and live and enjoy time your parents before you move to UK.

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  4. Dear LW, as IHM pointed out – anytime you wonder about a rule, ask yourself, “Who’s benefiting?”
    In the case of closely monitoring visits to your mother, who benefits? The answer is clear. Your m-i-l benefits.
    Now, examine her other rules. You need to wake up at a certain time. Why? To have a cup of chai and some quiet time for yourself? No. To go for a morning walk? No. To prepare breakfast for your m-i-l? Yes! Again, who benefits from this rule? Your m-i-l does.
    Don’t be angry with your m-i-l; she is just another woman in a long chain of women who have been denied the basic right to happiness during youth, and now will grasp at anything for a sense of control.
    Ignore your m-i-l. Do what you need to do (YES YOU CAN because you are an adult!).

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    • The reply monster in law gives is how can I abandon responsibilities of sasuraal now that I am married ( translation cooking for them ).
      What I do not understand is agreed monster in law does not keep well health wise:- but why is it daughter in laws responsibility to cook for everyone ? Why can’t the healthy male members of the family chip in and cook. They get hungry , they need food to eat, so what’s their hassle with cooking??

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      • You sound like an awesome person. You have everything figured out already. All that’s left is to take the final step and put your thoughts into action. Leave that awful torture house. You are nobody’s prisoner and nobody’s servant. Leave now to live with your mother while you have the chance.

        What’s the worst that can happen? Your husband leaves you? Wouldn’t that be a blessing in disguise – better divorced than spending your whole life as your MIL’s slave, and married to a mamma’s boy.

        And think: if you don’t take this chance now, will you ever get a better chance to send a message to both your MIL and your husband that you cannot be bossed around? No, you really won’t. You might think that you’ll go off to UK and be free from your MIL, but you’re still stuck with your mamma’s boy husband.

        What’s going to happen when/if you have kids? Let me tell you: you will lose a lot of your power when you are pregnant. Everybody and their great-grand-aunt will set down rules for you to follow, food for you to eat, clothes for you to wear, curfews for you to meet. And after the baby is born, forget about trying to raise your child your own way. I will guarantee your MIL will have a heavy hand in how the child is raised, what the child eats, whether the child breastfeeds – and how often, and in front of whom – when the child is weaned, when the child starts solids, who should soothe the child when it is crying, which brand diapers to use, what clothes to wear, what types of religious ceremonies to have for the child, blah blah blah. And that’s just the child. Don’t even get me started on the expectations and rules rained down upon you, the mother. The control NEVER ends, it only gets exponentially worse when you have kids. And you will be way more powerless, because you cannot leave the marriage easily after having kids no matter how bad it gets. (It isn’t impossible, but it’s HARD and much more complicated.)

        This is what you have to look forward to with this family. But you can fix it all right now, right this minute, by packing your bags and moving in with your mother. That sort of thing sends a strong message that you won’t be bossed around, and yiou won’t be turned into a slave. Do it now! You won’t get this golden opportunity again.

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  5. I have a question for many of these letter writers with m-i-l issues. Why are you living with your in-laws?? Why can’t you live separately with your husband? Stay in touch with parents on both sides. Help both sets of parents. Visit for holidays, festivals. Why live together and pull hairs out over cooking/showering/going out, etc. etc.?
    This is a genuine question I have. I come from an average middle class family. My parents are somewhat liberal but also traditional in some ways. My in-laws are very traditional. Both my parents and in-laws moved into their own homes eventually, sometimes in their 30s or 40s, due to jobs or whatever. Now, they are all in their 70s. Me and my siblings/cousins are in 30s, 40s, 50s. Every single one is in a nuclear family. This does not mean there is no interference. But at least, it’s not day in and day out. So, I thought joint families were a thing of the past ….? The LWs seem to be in their 20s – that is almost the next generation after mine. So, what is going on? How come we are moving backward? Or is this something that depends on which part of the country you live in?

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    • I don’t necessarily think that it’s a thing of the past or dependent on which part of the country one lives in. I know friends who would not touch a joint family with a barge pole, but there are girls who romanticise the entire thing and actually want to live with their in-laws. When they realise that in-laws don’t automatically mean ‘parents’, it’s a bit too late. Some of my female cousins / male cousins’ wives have refused this set up, others have happily chosen this set up, while yet others have it thrust upon them and have been unable to stand up for themselves. Interestingly enough, none of the previous generation in my family have lived in joint families!

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      • Agree !
        Also,in arrange marriage setup if you outrightly refuse staying together after marriage ,it can become grounds for rejection /refusal so most women agree and some manage to do tikdum after marriage and separate ,most can’t !

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        • Parents of women also advise them to do this. My own father told me to agree to live with the parents, if demanded, and later I could always fight my way out. My reply: “Seriously, who has the time for this crap?” But how many women implicitly trust their parents and follow their advice. It’s just sad.

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        • Yes, cosettez, that’s how it is with many of my very traditional relatives – when they are looking for arranged matches for their daughters, no one wants to say outright, “we don’t want our daughter to live with her in-laws.” Instead what they’re doing is actively looking for families where the son is working in a different city. A joint family is seen as a negative (parents are so sure their daughters will have even more marital problems than usual), so they will go for a joint family ONLY if they feel desperate or as a last resort. This BTW is the mindset of some otherwise very close-minded people (gender discrimination, caste/class discrimination, you name it, they do it) but are being somewhat practical about who their daughter marries.
          Another interesting trend I’m noticing is the guy’s families now trying to “sell” themselves saying, “we’re non-interfering, we would want them to live in their own home” etc. Again these are people who have very rigid ideas of who their son should marry. Not sure what to make of this yet.
          Sigh. All the strange ways in which the arranged marriage scenario works.

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    • I do not think that the nuclear family is “progressive” and Joint Family is “Regressive”.
      I believe it’s more about the people you are being associated with. I have lived in a joint family all my life (10 people), and not once have our dreams or aspirations been stifled. Quite the contrary, actually. We are free to do whatever we wish, wear whatever we wish, everyone is free to leave home for further studies or for any other reason, the sister in laws are treated just like the daughters, no additional rules and regulations, the brothers are same as sisters and each member is free to do what they wish to do.

      While I am also looking and meeting other families due to the marriageable age, I understand that there is rarely any family like mine which is a joint family with every member’s consent.

      But from my experience in meeting guys for marriage, even my grand dad’s thoughts were more liberal than some of these MNC working individuals. The list of expectations they had for a wife, you’d think you were in 1930s!! And even a nuclear family of such guys would be highly regressive with staunch traditional gender roles, than in a joint family like mine.

      So, let’s focus on making the humans more progressive than looking at the number of people who choose to live together.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Does your joint family consist of your mother’s siblings and their families as well? Would you, when you get married, bring in your husband to join this lovely family?

        Yes? Wonderful, your joint family is unique and non-patriarchal.

        No? I rest my case. It might be a nice and lovely family where everyone is happy, but the set up is still patriarchal.

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        • Well in fact my dad is trying to get maternal grandparents to shift, but they prefer to stay where they are..but my aunt’s dad does stay with us most of the year..he visits his other daughters and has a place of his own that he goes to when he wishes. Again it is a choice that they have made..

          Coming to your second point..its not just my decision where I would stay post marriage, that decision would be taken after taking in the opinion of the guy as well. Since I will not be forced into anything I do not want to…I cannot force him into anything he does not want to as well…it goes both ways.

          Patriarchy is a mindset. And not everything “traditional” is wrong..and because adults decide to live together happily, it does not mean patriarchy. A family has every right to decide to live together as long as that is what everyone wants..

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        • My father too extended an invitation to my mother’s parents to come and live with them when they got old – they too chose not to accept. That’s not what I was talking about at all. There are circumstances when people are obliged or even want to help out. But by definition in India, a joint family in India is automatically assumed as ‘male family member marrying a female and bringing her home’. Even in your case, why is your aunt (I assume dad’s brother’s wife) the one who moved away from her blood family? Your dad’s brother did not move away from his family to go and live with his in-laws.

          Look, I am not trying to nit-pick your family and if you are all happy, then more power to you. But automatically claiming that joint families mean equality for everyone is not right because majority of women have to / choose to leave their own families and live with family members with whom they don’t have any blood ties. Which in itself is not wrong if it’s choice, but that is a patriarchal set up.

          Just because people are happy does not mean the set up is not patriarchal. There are people who are happy in patriarchy. There are families who live traditionally and are happy. That’s never been the point of my post.

          Liked by 1 person

        • Fem, the elder brother of my husband is living in a joint family, with his wife’s father. They chose to do so because the father is ill. I don’t think joint families are necessarily are problem, and nuclear family are always blissful.

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      • A “happy joint family” if it’s not in Bollywood, is theoretically possible, but given the sense of entitlement most Indians have over those lower in the hierarchy and given our difficulty with respecting boundaries, it is practically very hard to create a happy joint family in reality.
        You may have grown up in a happy joint family. Was it happy because people ‘adjusted’? Or did they genuinely have space? And the freedom to follow their dreams? If the answer to both those questions is ‘yes’, then good for you. I just don’t see that happening in 99% of the cases. Forget joint family, even in the girl or boy’s own family, the children are hardly respected, their opinions often don’t count, their freedom curtailed even as adults. To this mindset, where they infantalize their own adult children, add all the notions that go hand in hand with the concept of a “bahu”.

        You have said it in your own words: “I understand that there is rarely any family like mine which is a joint family with every member’s consent.”

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        • The point if my writing this was not to prove which family living style is better..I think it’s OK for a person to choose to live alone or with partner, as well as it is OK to live together…but whatever the decision should be of the couple and not the entire family..

          And the imp point is that individual freedom is imp..as long as that is in place, its OK. Here the setting is traditional, but people can make it happy and progressive by chucking gender roles and respecting people they live with for their choices.

          Even in nuclear families, the wife is sometimes made to do dual job: managing office and home.. So here even if the setting is progressive, the people are making it regressive.

          So, I believe that it is not how people live that make them progressive or regressive..it is how they think and how their mindset is. So, girls and guys should take a few months (if not more) to know each other and their families instead of saying yes in just one or two meetings…

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        • @dhwanis, can’t reply to your last comment so replying here – I completely agree with your reasoning …. in theory …. yes, people can choose to live in joint families or whoever they want and be happy as long as individual rights are upheld.
          I just don’t see it happening in reality …. given all the baggage/expectations/lack of boundaries/centuries of hierarchical midset that Indian families come with.

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    • @wordssetmefree
      Some girls I know choose a joint family set up so that they will have free child care.So that they need not quit their job after a child enters the equation.They need not depend on day care or stranger maids.

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  6. “According to my mother in law after my marriage I am not allowed to do any “seva/support” towards my widow mother.”

    Was this thinking of your MIL a complete shock, surprise and rude awakening for you after marriage, or did the interactions and discussions prior to marriage give you an inkling of her mentality?

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    • It was a complete shock. She and her son always portrayed her as very modern, PRO WOMAN mentality mother in law. But I am not seeing anything pro woman in what’s going on, just the opposite.

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  7. First of all, all these sayings are a load of bull shit to suit the person who benefits.

    I have to ask, why is the husband rarely mentioned in such emails? Shows how less men can get away with doing in marriages. It is often presented as a crazy fight between women and the guy does not wAnt to interfere eh?

    You can do whatever you want. Meet your mom when you want. And stop doing seva or following any of your MIL’s rules. You follow 2, they will expect you to follow 20. Stop giving gifts. Just. Do what feels right to you.

    And look at moving out of your in laws house.

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    • @Boiling
      It is not so hard to see why the husband is never mentioned in such emails.
      The husband plays a very silent role.
      At night, when the frustrated wifey sheds tears, he gently wipes them.Comforts her.Consoles her.Listens to her.In a land where wife beating is not uncommon, a husband who wipes wifeys tears is nothing short of God!
      See? So simple to become God.
      Nobody ever taught Indian women that she has ‘rights’.So she has no idea that her husband must support her in her fight for her rights.

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  8. I think I am the only male here. I am Libran and I am balanced when at peace( if that helps). I am wondering why things worked all these centuries and not now. All I am seeing is Educated Women have problems with older women( until 40) , younger women( if above 40) , older man , younger men and God and probably with Satan too… The day u will b happy and content with your husband, ur mil might be happy and content with you as well.just my opinion.

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    • But Sriram, things have not worked for all these centuries. If things had worked we would not see such an unwillingness by Indian parents to have and to raise girl children. We actually fast, pray and sex select for male children.

      Also if things were going fine, women (and men) would be able to choose who and when they marry, and if and when and how many children they have.

      And parents of daughters will not feel they can’t live in their married children’s homes, while parents of boys will not feel their son’s owe them obedience, grand children and obedient spouse. We would see respect for those who cannot fight back, like for children (specially girl children) or for daughters in law, specially in traditional patriarchal families.

      But the good thing is that we are finally breaking our silence and these issues are not being wished away or pretended away or treated as trivial ‘washing dirty linen in public’.

      Women who voice their concerns are now less likely to be silenced with ‘please adjust because you are born a woman’. Also women are now less dependent on approval of random people – they are in a position to refuse to be treated as if their feelings didn’t matter.

      I didn’t understand:

      //The day u will b happy and content with your husband, ur mil might be happy and content with you as well//

      I am sure anybody would want to be happy and content with their lives, partners and people in their extended families but how does being happy with one person make them happy with another member?

      Also, the email writer has written this mail because she would like to be ‘content’ and at peace. Can you imagine a man in a similar situation? Having to do all that this woman has to? To have to consider his spouse’s parents’ his priority, and to not be able to care for his sick parents because it is considered a neglect of his in laws? Does any of this sound like ‘things have worked for centuries’?

      Liked by 2 people

      • U r nt god to be able to be doing both duties as daughter and dil simultaneously. Priories and squeeze in more time or forgo one which is less priority. What should an ideal mother pray for : to see her girl as an ideal dil or to see her girl as a gud daughter ( at the cost of forgoing dil responsibilities). What do u want ur brother’s wife to do if in the writer’s position??

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        • What you have written was the EXACTLY the reason for me writing this e mail in the first place . You say prioritise. And my logic is :- my priority or the priority of any individual will be towards the person we love more. So my point of view is it’s unrealistic to expect me to be more in love with my monster in law after 3 weeks of marriage compared to my mother who has loved me unconditionally. So logic tells me my mother will be my priority. Not my mother in law specially given the way she has been behaving. I also pointed out in the e mail:- the only reason my monster in law needs me in sasuraal is to cook. Which can be managed with other healthy male members of the family pitching in the kitchen. They get hungry; they need food to eat:- so what’s the shame in cooking. Why all the cooking for everyone should be daughter in law s responsibility when she is needed elsewhere???

          Liked by 1 person

        • “What do u want ur brother’s wife to do if in the writer’s position??” This is the narrow-minded problem with your argument…As IHM would tell you herself, what she wants her brother’s wife to do is absolutely irrelevant here because her brother’s wife is completely entitled to do whatever she wants to do irrespective of what IHM might want her to do. The DIL here does not have to meet anyone else’s expectations but her own.

          Yes, she cannot fulfil both duties as daughter and DIL…so she should fulfil the duties that she wants to fulfil…rather than duties that someone else is forcing her to fulfil..the MIL has her son to take care of duties pertaining to her…

          Liked by 5 people

        • An ideal mother should pray to see her daughter apply, content and free🙂 that’s all.
          I want my brothers wife o live a happy life with or without my brother and live to er maximum potential – same as what I want for myself.

          Why should anyone become a good dil after marriage and what is good? By whose standards? What happened o the son did he suddenly cease o be a son after marriage? Why? Because e got someone lose to be a son in his place?

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        • That is the basic problem that comes with your question. ‘Duties’ of the DIL. Only exist for the benefit of the husband and his family, and only because women for all the centuries have forgone their own will, their wishes, wants and dreams to fulfill these all important ‘duties’ of DIL. There is not really much logic behind ‘duties’ of dil, Their range of duties logically, treating man and woman at par, should be similar to duties of the son-in-law, shouldn’t it? When you ask what you want the brother’s wife to do, you are yourself following the traditional mindset where women were not people in themselves but mere extensions of the husband and his family, born to serve. The day women stop wanting to serve others and instead serve themselves, or their own parents, of their own will, then the problems arise for those unwilling to lead life by anything but the patriarchal mindset.
          Duties as a daughter and as a son should also be similar. And wife and husband as well. Providing for themselves and also each other, the family, the children, doing house hold chores together, without cooking or cleaning the house being the sole responsibility of the wife and sitting in front of the television after work the sole responsibility of the husband. Or they can choose, as long as it is of their own free will,who earns or who works around the house.
          Then women will be content.

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        • I think that your question regarding whether a woman should be a good daughter or a good daughter in law is rather pointless. When a woman marries, all she needs to be is a good wife. That’s her primary responsibility. She should not be expected to serve as a domestic help instead of a thinking, feeling individual with parents.

          Also, I would want my brother’s wife to make him happy (just as I would expect my brother to make her happy) and if my mom cant deal with the fact that her DIL doesn’t “prioritise” her cooking needs over her ailing mother, I’ll ask her to go suck an egg.

          Liked by 1 person

    • All these centuries, women were not allowed to have economic power, so they had to put up with nonsense like this. That does not automatically mean that they loved being bullied and treated like a ‘yes-man’ around the home. And seriously, stop spouting nonsense about being content with a husband who is not pulling his weight in the marriage. Women deserve better.

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    • What load of rubbish !
      All these things are coming to fore because women earn and are learning to respect themselves !Earlier in joint family there were problems between Dil and mil but they didn’t come to fore!They were silenced in name of manners,one way respect !
      The only way for Dil was to extract revenge from her own dil in the future !Perpetuate and continue the same shit !
      Its time to change ! One way respect is not going to work now !

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    • Sriram, you are not the only male here…but you do seem to be part of a dying breed of men who think that just because women have been oppressed and subservient for centuries, they have to continue to be oppressed and subservient in future too…and if women express unhappiness with this miserably skewed state of affairs, then it is their own damn fault for being unhappy.

      I’m sure some British politician asked the same question in the mid-twentieth century just as cluelessly as you did ” I am wondering why things worked all these centuries and not now.” The answer lies in the eyes of the beholder.

      “The day u will b happy and content with your husband, ur mil might be happy and content with you as well. just my opinion”

      Why does the MIL enter the equation at all? Who cares if the MIL is happy and content with the wife or not as long as she stays out of the wife’s way??

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    • @sriram
      Why can’t Men be happy and content with house hold chores, living with their in-laws, etc?
      Afterall, the expectations on the Educated Woman to work two fulltime jobs, one inside and the other outside the home, doesnt seem unreasonable, right? Then why does it seem unthinkable and undoable for a Man?
      The day they do, Educated Women will be happy and content, just the way you WANT them to.

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      • U pick one…home or work…I don’t think there are still any monsters who want their dil to do both….if so…quit one as per ur choice and convey it to inlaws.
        So it is for the husband …. One out of two….work or home (both need to come to consensus as per tasks and ppl available)

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        • Frankly, who cares what the MIL wants the DIL to do? The DIL should be free to make her own life choices. House work is not a choice, btw. Every home needs to be cleaned, the clothes washed, the food cooked, the trash taken out. And since everyone in the family wears clothes, eats food and contributes to the general mess, it is a joint responsibility of the family members.

          Liked by 1 person

        • Haha.That’s a crock of lies. With prices and the cost of living being what it is, most middle-class families want their daughter-in-law to not only work but also be the perfect, angelic DIL at home, slaving away both at homeo and in office.
          If she’s still standing, she’s expected to provide “wifely service” in the bedroom.
          She’s expected to be the complete package you see, “kitchen slave, corporate slave and sexually compliant wife”

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    • You are not the only male. I am one too. Also, to burst your bubble of good old times, my cousin sisters used to sing a rhymes like 30 years ago that contained the lines ” handiya pakai, zahar milaya, saas ko khilaya, saas bemar, kafan tayar”, and this was probably a much much older rhyme.

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  9. Sasural being priority is on every girls parent’s mind !
    in my religion, girls are understood to be property of in laws and husbands ! They influence ,demand,everything of the girl !
    Girls, get out of this mentality that your parents are not your responsibility !it doesn’t matter if you have a brother or not you need to do your share of work,you have right to your share of parental property too ! I know this is difficult !
    From day one,don’t allow your husband or in laws to influence how you treat your parents !
    Women need to understand that they don’t need anyone permission for anything in life !Stop begging for protection,appreciation and permission !
    If for any reason you don’t want to do anything for your parents ,own up to that too !Don’t play games and hide behind in laws !!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. If there needs to be a change, it is the letter writer who will need to put her foot down and say enough is enough, no more shit.
    No body else is affected, their lives are just the same (or a bit better as they now have you to do their bidding). So, obviously they are not going to get off their comfort and accommodate your wishes, it is YOU who will have to be brave and stand up for yourself.

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  11. Why should only the woman’s priorities shift? Why isnt anybody speaking about the guy’s priorities shifting post marriage? Isn’t he a human too? Isn’t he getting married and gaining a sasuraal too?
    Dear LW,
    You asked whether this saying is commonly heard.
    Let me ask you, if its commonly heard, then are you willing to abide by it? Does it become RIGHT? Does it become LAW? ACCEPTABLE?
    If so, then why? Just because it is commonly heard?

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    • I agree with everything you are saying and those are my views too? I am not the only one who got married. Marriage takes place between two individuals . But as a new bride if I say any if my views which are similar to your views:- monster in law replies:-” ab badi zabaan chalne lag gayi hai”.
      And as a new bride in a new environment , new people:- it’s feeling like they are ganging up on me

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      • I really think you should leave your MILs house. If people are ganging up on you, then you don’t really belong. There is no point in arguing with such people. Just pack your bags. I really see the spark of spirit in you now and I am urging you to leave again and again because I am scared you too will learn to submit like so many of the women here who write to IHM. Please leave. Make your happiness your primary priority. Don’t think you have to provide explanations to anyone.

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  12. Hi there LW,
    I would say do not waste your time, energy and peace-of-mind in hating anyone but tell anyone who objects to your ways of living your life, in no uncertain terms, calmly and boldly that you are your own person and will do what you see fit. Say it assertively and calmly and don’t go back on that, no matter what.
    In my own experience, I have come across a lot of women who simply give in and forget the parents that raised them, making the brother(s) solely responsible. And I was surprised to know that a lot of these newly-wed women would actually agree with your mother-in-law.

    Take charge and don’t let anyone else run your life.
    Best wishes!

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  13. Sounds like you already realize that your MIL is a monster-in-law. Why pray would you listen to her anyway?

    Talk things out with your husband and lay down some rules for how your ‘responsibilities’ will play out. Here’s what I’m thinking.
    1. BOTH of you should either be responsible for BOTH moms, or for your own respective moms.
    2. Your ‘priority’ is what you say your priority is at any given point in time. In a surgery vs. chores battle, surgery mom wins. Any “disagreements” will be under the jurisdiction of COMMON SENSE.
    3. Nobody owns you, so the whole three-step process is bullcrap.

    Basically, you do what you think you should do, ,and your MIL or your mom have no say in what ‘seva’ you ‘should’ do. Coz frankly, you don’t ‘have’ to take care of either of them. No, you owe nothing to your mom. She brought you up and made sacrifices because she wanted to have a baby. You will make these sacrifices for your children. That’s how the world works.

    Your husband can explain the rules to his mom and you can explain to yours. If your husband doesn’t understand, then maybe you should rethink whether you want to be married to him. Coz this is basic hygiene.

    Good luck!

    Liked by 2 people

  14. I am so sorry….what u r trying to do here change the whole social structure. Men should do outside chores and women do house hold is based on physical,emotional design we are made up of. I guess u ppl would want men to have babies also if it was possible…but UNFORTUNATELY my friends men and women are never equally made and as said abv never will be.so list down all ur tasks and divide among ur family members.
    It is also not convenient to take responsibities of ur maternal house unless it is in same location as ur in laws.
    Wow u want to chose and compete with ur mother and sister inlaws for the (one) kitchen in ur maternal house and then ur want to have ur space of kitchen at ur inlaws house with mil, mil’s daughters then…too many cooks spoil the broth…so decide one house. . Let the poor husband decide if he wants to stay with u.he will choose his love as well( which can mean null marriage in most cases). Just my opinion.

    If u are happy with mother , marry a guy who can be ghar Jamai.

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    • 1. //Wow u want to chose and compete with ur mother and sister inlaws for the (one) kitchen in ur maternal house and then ur want to have ur space of kitchen at ur inlaws house with mil, mil’s daughters then… too many cooks spoil the broth//

      Actually far from competing for kitchen space most people (including women) these days are glad to share the Kitchen with spouse (including the husband) and children.

      2. Why Ghar Jamai or Ghar ki Bahu – why not the couple live in their own homes and welcome into their homes whichever parents need their caring?

      3. //what u r trying to do here change the whole social structure. //

      I think the social structure is changing anyway, mostly for the better. For the first time there is less compulsion and more choice. Less convenience of a few powerful members, more happiness and rights for every member.

      4. Do you think there is any other way to deal with the challenge of Skewed Gender Ratio caused by Sex Selection, and the buying and sharing of wives in some parts of India?

      Liked by 2 people

      • 3.Powerful members is nt I see here…experienced is the word….u don’t let some fresher be army chief of India becos they choose that…do u?

        2. So u mean say ‘NO’ one of the parents…how do u choose….head or tail? …u like reinventing the wheel I guess….too many decisions to the newly weds….they are goin to end up not marrying in first place…..

        1. Don’t say share….one mil and her only dil can’t share ….. Talk abt multiple houses and multiple women and men….are u think only abt nuclear family here?? ….coz I thought the writer is concerned abt two houses here.

        4. Skewd sex ratio is a problem of ur own creation….
        ..boy or girl …each have their own strengths…..awareness is lacking.
        Sex determination and abortion shld b avoided .

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        • @IHM I admire your patience.I often lose patience when I talk to people like Sriram who reflect patriarchal and sexist views. But I guess you do need to engage in conversations with people like this based on the small possibility that they may change.

          Liked by 1 person

    • Well, what makes you think I, as a woman, am physically and emotionally unable to perform the oh, so tasking labour of sitting in an office and typing on my computer?

      No, men and women are not biologically the same, but they can be equal. Equality here means both men and women having the same opportunities to excel in whichever field they want to. Equality means the complete freedom to pursue their happiness, no matter what people like you think.

      It is very easy to take responsibilities of your own parents. If required, you can actually pack your bags and move there, especially when your parent is going to undergo a life-threatening surgery. Convenience should not even be a factor. ARE YOU FOR REAL?!!! Would you not go to your mother and be with her if she had to undergo an operation? What the hell is WRONG with you?!

      The LW is very keen not to compete with anyone for the kitchen anywhere. Read her letter again. She is very specific she is not all that keen to cook and clean, and would be quite happy to leave the chores to someone else. Unfortunately, those other people don’t exist in her life.

      The ‘poor’ husband is a myth. The husband is not ‘poor’ but is a classic abuse enabler. The LW should choose whether to live with him or not. I don’t see why this choice should be left in the hands of the man who is not even present but expects his wife to be.

      If the husband himself chooses not to live with his own mother, I don’t see what right he has to impose it on his wife. No one is forcing him to live with the wife’s mother. He is the one who is forcing another human being to live with a woman who is abusing her and he is enabling the abuse.

      Liked by 3 people

      • I hear you fem and Indian homemaker. It’s the kind of arguments sriram is giving that make situation of women like me complicated. Adds to the agony, confusion, emotional blackmail yada yada yada.

        Liked by 1 person

  15. I too dream of equality in everything… But unfortunately all tasks aren’t equal and so some have to do the less attractive ones in less attractive locations and less attractive remuneration/perks for less attractive bosses or choose to be alone.

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    • You’re making it sound like it’s a take-it-or-leave-it situation, which we all agree with. The only problem seems to be that you seem to want the DIL to take it’ even if she doesn’t want to.

      It is this ideology that allows MILs to treat their DILs like shit and get away with it – and the “poor husband” is watching from afar. (The one odd husband that does try to intervene gets labeled a ‘joru ka gulam’.)

      Ever consider the possibility that a woman may not want to “settle” for a “‘less attractive boss”? Or better yet, not want a “boss” but an equal partner?

      Ever consider that sometimes cooking and cleaning in the sasural is LESS important than someone undergoing surgery in the maika?

      Ever consider that the woman in question is also human and wants to be available to her mother in times of need?

      Probably not, or you wouldn’t have said what you said.

      It breaks my heart to think that you probably have a DIL who is pain but you can’t see it because you’re so blinded by tradition.

      Liked by 2 people

      • All I want to say here is…..marriage is combined effort of husband and wife…and so it involves give and take from both sides. In any situation, a married person’s priority should be decided with the spouse’s needs in mind.

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        • So, Sriram, what would your advice be to the email writer?

          Please do consider the fact that daughters not being permitted to care for their own parents means they are not viewed as budhape ka sahara and are, hence, not wanted. It’s obvious that the only people who are glad to have daughters are those who see their girl-children as their own children and not as Paraya Dhan.

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        • Correct me if I am wrong, but when you say ‘a married person’ you mean the wife, and when you say ‘spouse’ you mean the husband. And there’s a basic problem with that premise – it automatically makes the husband’s decision ‘final’.

          If I am, indeed wrong and you meant otherwise, I have a question for you.

          If the husband feels that the woman should visit her maika only once a month, and the woman wants to visit every weekend, what should they do? What if the MIL thinks that the woman should cut off all contact with her family? Whose ‘needs’ would you keep in mind, then?

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        • “a married person’s priority should be decided with the spouse’s needs in mind”

          Bingo! Hence, if one spouse is not even present in the same country, and the other spouse has a major responsibility towards her own mother, it is quite clear what the priority should be. The husband’s priority should be to keep his wife’s need in mind right now because she is the one going through a mental trauma because of her mother’s upcoming operation.

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        • @krith,
          You stole words from my mouth.
          It is so emotionally exhausting just to read the trolls comments.Imagine how much more exhausting it is to reply!

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    • @ Sriram, you are making an odd comparison. In a job, yes, sometimes you have to do a job because you’ve got to pay the bills whether you like the job or not. You may not get a dream job because you lack the skills or the opportunities. That’s reasonable. A marriage is not a job – you are not working for someone and getting paid for it – it is not a business contract between employer and employee.

      When you marry someone, it’s a relationship. All relationships thrive on mutual love, respect, fairness, freedom with personal choices, the right to happiness, and emotional support during difficult times. When those values are lacking, when you are being treated unfairly, it is okay to demand respect and fairness and support from your spouse.

      If you are unwilling to hear out your spouse, don’t get married. If you’re unwilling to work through problems, don’t get married. If you’re going to quote “centuries old traditions” that oh so conveniently happen to suit your needs well, please don’t get married. And anyone who thinks people should “take it or leave it” and “you get what you get and you don’t throw a fit” shouldn’t be in a marriage or any relationship for that matter.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Agree !
        Too many men get married for washed clothes,clean house timely home cooked meals !Practically ,all Mils get dils so that they can finally dump all her son’s work on her plus get some seva too !Then,when Mil and dil clash, husbands patli gali se nikal jatey hain !
        Why will men work hard on maintaining relationships !
        Its just a job ,…just like the job at office ! Right sriram ! !

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  16. Theres alot of talk about prioritizing your duties between duties of a dil
    and daughter. I disagree the only duty that a person has is the duty to oneself. You need to put yourself 9first because as a woman in india no one else will.

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  17. My dear girl, I have two questions for you. 1. Why are you putting up with it, at all???? and 2. Is being married to this guy so important, that you will give up everything you hold dear and live like a doormat?

    Do whatever you want to, live life YOUR way, and if your husband chooses not to take your side, fair enough. Why are you even bothering with your mother in law?

    My advice: Next time, just do as you please. Please do not ask her to see your mother. She will try and stand in the way. Just cast her words aside and go right on. Tell her that you are going to do as you please, and she can’t take it or leave it. She is free to move away if she pleases.

    My worry is, as liberal as you are, you seem to avoid confrontation. Why? What have you got to lose here? Sometimes, it is necessary to rock the boat. Good luck.

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  18. Dear LW. So you husband took a few weeks off to marry you and left you in a hornet’s nest… You are hoping to leave India very soon but you worry about not being able to take care of your mother. Question : who is going to take care of your mother when you are in the UK ?

    How about your MIL ? Wouldn’t that be an angle to stop cooking for your inlaws, the need to find a long term arrangement for when you will be away ?

    It seems to me your MIL is jealous. Maybe her son (your husband) doesn’t take care of her ? Couldn’t she become friendly with your mother, suppose you take her to visit your mum ?

    And, since your earn your own money, don’t waste your power, be proud and brave. Take care.

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    • Dear Victoria , I will make sure not to travel to uk until the surgery and even further the post operative care and healing has been established.

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  19. I suggest you read your husband the riot act in front of his mother – you will take care of his mother if he steps up and does the same for your mother . Put your foot down, respectfully listen to her muhavarein or whatever they call the mumbo jumbo and go ahead and do what you need to – pay the bills, pretend you are going to office , go to your moms , help her and call your husband and tell him either he can do the hospital duties when your mom is in surgery or he can run the lunch service back home for his ma . What is your husband’s take ? Can you learn and repeat a few modern muhavarein like “I have not lost a daughter in the wedding , I gained a son ” ?

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  20. Everyone thanks one more time for all your advise, support. I DO really appreciate it. There was wayyyyy too much to write in the original letter and I could not cover everything in the original e mail. I am by no means planning to stay in sasuraal during the upcoming surgery. Some of you have gotten the impression that I am a abla nari while m not. I was raised to be a jhansi ki rani not abla nari. I have no plans of being in sasuraal no matter who objects to what. Even before writing this letter it was clear in my head that I will be packing my bags and leaving for maika. If anyone tries to stop me:- I will call the cops. If that leads to the demise of this marriage:- then be it. This marriage is not worth anything and I have lost nothing if it does come to that.

    The reason for writing this e mail was not cause I do not have the guts to pack my bag.
    The reason to write this e mail was:- me not being able to understand the logic of monster in law. Me being a rational educated person understands things based on logic, not based on custom. Cause indian customs seem to benefit the guys family mainly.
    I was dissecting the whole scenario in my head over and over again and over and over again.
    N there was many things that I was not able to understand regarding monster in law.:-
    1) if she so firmly believes that daughter in law should cook for entire sasuraal:- why she herself abandoned her in laws in their old age, why she herself did not do any seva or even let her hysband help his family in any manner?
    2) even if according to her mentality I am parayee for my mother now:- then how DARE she constantly expect gold from my mother like I pointed out in the last line of my e mail. She tells me:-” ladki to jab bhi apne yahan jati hai, kych na kuch leke hi aati hai apne yahan se gold ka”.
    My gut feeling is monster in law is the most cunning manipulative selfish woman on the planet.
    Its NOT about her believing in ancient traditions about daughter in law does seva for saas sasur, etc. It is not about her being old school mentality. Its not about her being conditioned and brainwashed since birth about everything she s lecturing me about how a married woman should live.
    Cause she never followed the rules she s lecturing me about.
    So basically in her youth it was to her advantage not to have hassle of sasuraal. In her entire lifetime she has spend maximum two weeks in her sasuraal. But now it is convenient for her that I live in sasuraal, make sasuraal my PRIORITY, on top of that she getting gold for me being a maid in their house and soooo much more crap thats going on.

    I have dissected the whole situation over and over again.
    I am getting more and more convinced that here its not a battle of old school mentality versus new age mentality.
    It is about what makes her life easy.

    The main reason for me writing the mail was to try and understand WHY will sasuraal be my priority when I do not have head over heels love for them. While I DO love my mother (till the moon and back kind of love).

    Also the way I am seeing things:- I do agree monster in law does not keep good health these days. And I am not saying that she should have to cook etc even if she s not keeping well. But that task can be managed by a maid or other familh members or a tiffin service.

    While what I need to go and do cannot be managed by any tiffin service?

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    • Please don’t waste mental energy trying to dissect your MILs illogical ravings. Just see if she gives you respect and if she does not, don’t pay attention to her. Why I am advising this is because the further you think about this, the further you will enter the vicious cycle and soon, it will begin to affect your mental and physical health.

      Another thing I want to tell you is that you are not obliged to provide any service to your MIL. If all you are getting in return is abuse, then you do not need to worry about her well-being. Life and relationships are all about give and take, so don’t get into the habit of only giving, just because “she is ill”. If it is such a major issue, then her son is still alive, isn’t he? Tell him to get his butt back and look after his mother. I am not against helping out in-laws / parents when they require help, but only if they are giving respect in return. This is a two way street.

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    • Why even bother trying to figure out a person who is clearly pathological, LW? Pack your bags and go right on. You need to get out of there, and if your husband stands by you, you know he’s worth being with. If he doesn’t, then you have your answer too.

      Live life just the way you want it. Freedom of choice, or nothing.

      Like

  21. There s much more to add. There s so much to be told that I am remembering it in bits and pieces :- now that I am putting everything monster in law says to me under a microscope:- she tells me now that I am married:- she and her husband are my mother and father.
    Sounds cute.
    But am looking at everything she s saying under a magnifying glass.
    If she is the kind of woman who believes that after marriage husbands parents are her own parents:- and husbands family is her own family:- then in her entire lifetime why not support her in laws like a daughter?

    Its one thing to not want to do it.
    Its altogether another thing to not even let her husband look after his parents when he wanted to.? Not not allow her husbands siblings in her home in their desperate time of need?
    To not allow husband to send husbands money home.?
    Of course I discovered all these skeletons in the closet after marriage.
    I would not be told such things before marriage.
    So obviously she did not see her husbands family as her own.
    But she expects me to.

    I am getting a feeling either she s a super insecure women who needs everyone to make HER their priority. when it was in her youth:- she needed her husband to cut off ties with his family so that she can be his priority.
    Now she expects me to make her my priority.
    So its either about immense amount of insecurity or the need to be on a pedestal and everyone in her universe bending over backwards to make her life better. I think in psychiatry there is a term for people like this:- “narcissist”.

    If we have any psychiatrists reading this:- kindly confirm if my diagnosis is right.

    Like

    • How she behaved with her sasural or what she did in her youth or how she was treated is immaterial in this case. You do what you feel right. Dont try and understand her. it’s not required or possible. Her circumstance and yours may not bew the same. No one knows what she did in her youth and do you really care.
      Its upto her, her husband and her sasural. You put your foot down, set expectations and do what you think is fair and right. make sure your husband understands and more important make sure he is of the same mind. This is your marriage not hers. you an dyour spouse have a stake in it. as long as you both are in agreement no ones past present or future need matter to you . good luck.

      Like

  22. OMG,
    ‘Ladki kuch na kuch leke aati hai gold ka apne maike se ” Your MIL is a greedy witch!
    If she says it easily, then why do you even need to ask us about this issue? its very clear-cut she is greedy , selfish , heartless and a bad bad woman. Let her go to hell…why do you even care what all she lectures….she has no right to lecture on your relationship with your mother. Take matter into your hands and tell her straight-forward that you want to be with your mother in the hour of need. THATS IT !
    I am honestly appalled at her behaviour…..please speak up and spend as much time with your mother as much you want ! She can’t stop you…if she does tell her right on her face ! You’ll have to bold enought to tell her to stay in her boundries.

    Please stop taking bull-shit from her. And also dont tell me you bring gold gifts every-time you come back from your maika. if you do that, then you yourself are responsible to bring allt his mess to your life.
    Be with your mother for couple of days and visit her on weekends. Your witchy MIL can’t stop you.

    Pardon my language, I dont mean to offend you with my harsh words.
    But I am actualy furious after reading your post. How can such women like your MILs can get away with all the bull-shit. arrggghhh !

    Like

    • You did not offend me one bit by calling her a greedy selfish witch. My bitterness towards her is growing by the day. By the minute. By the second . So indeed it felt VERY NICE when you called her what you called her.
      Infact it’s almost like she keeps chanting gold gold gold gold :- not gold earned by her own blood and sweat:- but gold just given to her from girls family cause she did the entire mankind huge favour by giving birth to her son.
      She even utters very old fashioned crap like:-” Maine to do do ladke janme hain”. ( like it’s a big accomplishment).
      And when I told her it’s not in the female s hands weather the baby will be boy or girl . It’s the fathers x or Y chromosome which determines the sex of the child:- she seemed so lost!

      She even kept dropping hints that my mother should buy her son a flat …. Imagine gold is nothing…. Now she has her eyes on real estate:- even the tiniest flats in my city do not cost less than one crore.
      Not that anyone in my family is thinking of giving dowry . But it makes me wonder may be the whole letting me be with my mother or not in her time of need is actually a ploy for gold / dowry….. And hence all the drama she s creating!!

      Like

      • God, she is crazy ! In real life I have not heard anyone talk so much rubbish and so openly to me or anyone else ! I hope I never get to hear too ! Just reading is giving me headache !!

        Like

      • Real-estate ! hahahaha
        You know what you should do now, just laugh on her and all her old-fashioned, regressive and orthodox lectures. Your parents are not her ATM that she can take money out. And I prefectly understand the bitterness you are going through, this bitterness will eat your positive thinking and will create rift with your husband too. It will affect your marriage in a destructive manner. Trust me on that. This bitterness is born out of frustration of not being able to take a stand. Whenever she says something bad, hurtful or lecturing, dont stay silent. Respond to her every lecturing with politeness and tell her what you think, it will help you fighting back your frustration and bitterness. Be vocal, be firm and dont listen to any shitty stuff she says ! Age is not a bar for maturity, humility, compassion or wisdom. Dont let her ranting eat your brain Be yourself and be vocal.
        God bless !

        Like

  23. Thing is monster in law went to the extent of saying these exact words in regard to this upcoming surgery issue where she thinks it’s only the sons responsibility and not daughters /- ” tere bhai ko yeh sonchana Chahiye tha agar main tujhe Nahin Jane doongi, to tu kar hi Kya Legi, yahaan Baith ke ro hi Legi aur Kya kar Legi “.

    Now the bitterness , anger am feeling towards her is like a ticking time bomb!

    Like

    • wow! #sarcasm
      how audacious of her to say such a thing! …to think even that she can tell how and what you should do, think and feel like!
      Just leave.Not worth your time to listen and bear to hear such things!

      Like

    • Just leave. Seriously. Let your husband know exactly what has conspired and get the hell out of there. She has absolutely no right to stop you, an adult from going somewhere.

      Like

    • This is too much, sorry LW not meaning to scare you, but just pack your bags and leave.You do not need such abuse.
      Next time try recording her words.Play them for your hubby.
      She just openly stated that she will make you cry buckets and there is nothig anyone can do about it.Terrorist MIL.
      Sorry but I am getting so sooo angry on the hubby for leaving you in such toxic environment.

      Like

    • Did dhe really say all this?
      Do you tell this your family? your siblings or brother? What do they say about it?
      Dont they support you at all? My friend’s MIL is a bad woman too, she said something really really bad, my friend’s dad called her up and told her if she continues to treat his daughter like that and say bad things to her, he ll come bring his daughter back. Yours is truely a monstrous in law. If you continue to say in this hostile in-laws house, you ll go mad. Take things in your hands and lleave right now ! if your husband doesnt support you, then it was not worth marrying him and spending your entire life with him.

      Like

      • Thank you everyone from the bottom of my heart. Specially Indian homemaker who gave me the platform to be able to air my frustration and in return get soooo many soul sisters. My family supports me 100% , but they are not the chillam chilli kind of people . What I am trying to say is they will support me if I wanna move out for GOOD ( with or without the husband ), but I don’t think my mom will resort to the kind of language my monster out law is using ( now I am calling her out law). Lol.
        Well guys going going gone today. If I am not able to post much it’s cause am busy with hospital and surgery and everything related to it.
        Thank you soul sisters.

        Like

  24. Dear soul sisters and brothers ,
    Since you all share my outrage:- let me tell you one more thing monster out law said :- am sorry I could not remember everything in the original e mail cause my head was feeling like a Bheja fry when I originally reached out to Indian homemaker for advise.

    Monster out law was asking me generally where the operation is scheduled , who s the doctor , etcetera, how much is operation costing , etc. I told her everything thinking this is just regular conversation. Then she says ( and this blew my mind away) :- she started with “tere yahan se gold Nahin aaya, tere parents ne gold Nahin banwa ke rakha Teri Shadi ke liye, apne operation ke liye bacha ke Rakhe the Teri maa ne paise? Government hospital mein karwa Leti operation……)

    Now dear soul sisters and brothers:- I feel the need to add that this operation is a MAJOR one, very COMPLICATED surgery in which despite the best doctors and best facilities available :- there’s a chance of death. Cause the operation is on the base of the skull ( brain). We are getting it done by the best doctor and in the best hospital that we know of. And my mom is paying the entire expenses from her pocket.
    Just imagine how hurtful uncalled for are these remarks by monster :-” apne operation ke liye paise bacha ke Rakhe the Teri maa ne, government hospital mein kara Leti ”
    I feel like saying W.T.F. !!!!!!!!!

    Like

    • The more you tell us about her, the more we start hating her…..She CANNOT say all this to you. She JUST CANNOT. This is unbearable yaar. I would have given a befitting response to her and would have stormed out of the house right away. Did you say something back to her? what did you say ? Speak to her in her own language. She needs to understand you are not her slave or doormat she can walk over anytime she wants. Sorry to say but she is bitch !
      I can’t control my rage right now.

      Like

  25. Right now I am cutting hubby some slack cause he told me :- ” during and after the operation I simply HAVE to be with my mother . Even if I was in uk , he would have send me to be with my mother, cause there s simply no two ways about this:- I simply have to be with my mother”.

    My anger is towards monster :- now I think she s playing very twisted mind games here.
    When I try and tell hubby just a fraction of what’s going on here:- he says Nahin unka matab yeh Nahin raha hoga Bolne ka, woh toh bas yeh sonch rahi hain ki Saath mein rahegi to judegi” . This judegi judegi stuff they keep repeating . Meaning to bond. I am getting a feeling like I said before she s playing very twisted mind games . She tells me one thing. Tells my hubby a totally different version .
    The version hubby has in mind is :- ” meri maa to bas yeh chahti hai ki ghar mein Ek beti aa jaaye.” ( not Bahu , beti).

    Like

    • I completely understand her manipulation.
      My MIL lies too….she says one thing in front of me and manipulates it in nice words in front of my husband. And when I tell my husband, he says her mother meant this and that.
      Cleverish and manipulative!

      Like

  26. Who is this troll giving thumbs down ? even to LW comments ! Whoever you are, please stay away ! You have medieval , ancient fossil-type brain…probably you have seen your mother sister beaten by the male members and you took pleasure in that !
    Stay from this blog.

    Like

  27. dont wish or hope to get published, wudnt even comment, but just curious to know:
    !. do we have nething specified in our law for marriages, regarding the nature of relationship wid the in- laws for both parties, i.e. husband and wife?
    2. why didnt u respond to my response sum time back? was it too unimportant a reply to respond or was it my last condescending language & tone which compelled u not to respond or was it because u didnt have enough patience to read and answer or argue wid me?

    wud b glad if u kindly satisfy my curiosity…..thanx!!

    Like

    • So far as I am aware, legally, it is considered ‘cruelty’ to prevent a wife or daughter in law from meeting/visiting her parents.

      All children, sons or daughters; married or single, are required – by the law, to take care of their elderly parents.

      Asking for dowry from the spouse’ s parents is not legal.

      Like

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  31. hi.
    the first and foremost thing in life is when u r right ,dont be afraid of anything in life..
    u must take your hubby and monster in law together talk with them about your problem and tell them first listen me completely.
    or you can tell your concern about ur family via a mediater and that should be the person whom your family member gave respect

    Like

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