Tradition, family values and custom are often used to enforce something (convenient for the enforcer) that seems to defy logic, fair play or common sense.
Which is why we hear things like, “Shadi ke baad ladki ki PRIORITY sasuraal ki taraf ho jaati hai”, which roughly translates to – After marriage, a girl’s priorities change in favour of her sasural or marital home.
And since many get away with this sort of abuse, we have a Skewed Gender Ratio.
Because, only when Indian parents are in a position to view their daughters as their own children (and not as future daughters in law) would they be able to Want, Welcome and Enjoy having and bringing up their girl children. [link].
Sharing an email.
Dear Indian homemaker,
I need help from you and other readers. If you can kindly share my story.
Here’s what’s bothering me soooooooo much:-
I am a working woman and my mother in law is driving me CRAZY.
According to my mother in law after my marriage I am not allowed to do any “seva/support” towards my widow mother. It’s all my brother’s responsibility.
I have to do EVERYTHING for my in laws now on since I am married.
I have to wake up at the time my mother in law thinks is appropriate, do things around the house (household chores), am not allowed to talk back, am not allowed to have a mind of my own, get loads of gold from my mom .
What I am simply not able to understand is :- why am I not allowed to do seva for my mother? After all it’s my mother who has given me life and not my in laws.
My mother never discriminated between her son and daughter. Not in any manner. Gave both the same love, educational opportunities, food, clothing, basically everything.
My logic is this:- it’s my mother who gave me life, raised me, spent crores on my education to make me a successful career woman, basically from A TO Z did EVERYTHING a parent can do and beyond for me . While within 3 weeks of marriage if my mother demands unconditional devotion towards herself:- the way I see it :- she has not done ANYTHING for me; she has not given me life, has not raised me, spent crores on my education.
I am NOT against doing ” seva” for my in laws.
But I do NOT understand why it is only my brother’s responsibility to look after my widow mother in her old age, and age related diseases.
I need to point out that my brother lives in USA . While my mother and mother in law both live in the same city in India.
Common sense is telling me my mother in law is the most selfish person on the planet and I am hating her more and more by the day.
Even to meet my mother; my mother in law expects a three step process :-
1) my mother has to take permission from my mother in law.
2) I have to take permission from my mother in law. (though with all the bitterness that is growing inside me, u feel like calling her monster in law and not mother in law).
3) I have to take permission from my husband in order to see my mother.
I am a cosmopolitan girl with a very liberal progressive outlook.
All this seems like total and absolute gibberish to me. Her views. Her expectations. Her demands. They do not make any sense to me .
Cause it totally defies all logic and common sense.
But I am still writing this letter to you in DESPERATION cause I am losing my peace of mind and sanity trying to understand the monster in law. I swear I will go insane if I keep all that’s going on bottled up inside me. According to my viewpoint :- am more than willing to give my in laws respect, care, live, understanding, help in their old age. Support in any and every manner.
But why would I not do the same for my mother?
Agreed I am married.
But my mother is not dead to me.
My gratitude towards her is not dead.
Why is it only my brothers responsibility to look after her? Also him living in USA for professional reasons makes it harder for him to be there for her as much as I can as both my MAIKA and sasuraal are here in the same city.
Basically my monster in law keeps repeating the same thing over and over again.
She says :-” Shadi ke baad ladki ki PRIORITY sasuraal ki taraf ho jaati hai”.
I have not heard this saying before. But monster in law keeps repeating that over and over and over again .
My question to you is, is that a commonly heard saying?
And even if it is :- I do not understand the LOGIC behind it . Cause within 3 weeks of marriage, REALISTICALLY speaking I will not be more in love with my in laws than my own mother. [link]
And isn’t the person we love more going to be our priority?
Isn’t the person we have MOST gratitude towards going to be our priority??
Also I need to add :- isn’t the gravity of the situation going to determine who our priority will be??
My mother has to undergo a MAJOR life threatening operation. What I am trying to say it’s a surgery in which there are chances of mortality (death) and morbidity.
While my monster in law only needs me in sasuraal to cook. I agree my monster in law also does not keep good health . But there are other male members in the family. Why can’t they help her in the cooking or hire a maid or get tiffin service? They have enough money, by the way, to be able to afford tiffin or maid .
But my evil monster in law keeps saying :- it’s my brother’s responsibility .
My brother cannot come to India cause his infant child is not well at all.
There’s way too much more I need to write; but honestly I am totally going crazy with all this stress.
Am simply not able to understand why it is only my brother’s responsibility?
Why do I need permission from anyone to see my own mother?
Why should sasuraal be priority whilst the gratitude lies towards MAIKA ??
What is the logic behind it all???
It does not make any sense to me???
Please please help.
I want honest opinion of yours and of readers.
Also I think it’s worth mentioning that the monster in law who keeps giving me all these lectures about sasuraal being priority :- she herself never stayed in her sasuraal, lived in a nuclear family :- did not allow her husband to send money home to her husband’s parents in village, did not care for her in laws in their old age, did not allow her husband’s siblings to come stay with them while they desperately needed to!
So am I right to conclude that she is a super selfish woman who only thinks about what’s convenient for her?
And even if she’s the kind of person who believes that I am ” parayee” for my mother now that I am married :- then why expect gold from my mother for sasuraal if I am parayee now? My monster in law says :- ” ladki to jab bhi Maike jaati hai, Kuch na Kuch leke hi aati hai apne yahaan se gold ka”.
An Anonymous DIL
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