“… people will say we encouraged these men to follow us… even though we are innocent”

When young women hear victims being shamed, blamed and silenced after each news of sexual crimes against women, is it surprising that they feared they would be blamed for the Street Sexual Harassment they faced everyday?

In their suicide notes — one runs into six pages, the other is four-page long —  the girls speak of fear and shame, of disrepute, of tongues wagging simply because young men had been following and harassing them.

“Everyday a new man would come and chase us. They would pass lewd remarks and offer us phone numbers.
The people around us would stare as if we had done something wrong. You know how bad our colony is… how people will say we encouraged these men to follow us… even though we are innocent,” Madhu wrote.

What could have lead to their fear of being blamed and shamed?

Take a look at just one example of what they feared,

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“As long as the men do not understand that they CANNOT and WILL NOT get away with such behavior and criminal acts, the rape culture will not go away”

Controlling crimes against women: What works, what doesn’t work.

This is what rapists do when there is no fear of punishment.

How Victim Blaming confuses rapists, police and the society about when exactly does non-consensual-sex becomes a crime.

The rapists often don’t see their actions as crimes, the police said, and don’t expect the victims to report them.

It’s Your Fault

“She was warned several times and was used to unethical practices like friendship with boys.”

How did we make Indian criminals believe that they have 7 khoon maaf if they can claim to be teaching Indian women a lesson in Indian values?

Allahabad girl Aarti Yadav beats harasser, sets bike on fire

Can sexual harassment be compared to Terrorism against a whole community called women?

“Such mannequins will excite men and pose a danger to women.”

“I am safe because I’m very careful in the way I behave and dress in public, on the streets.”

In Gurgaon, jobs, safety and roads after 8 pm, reserved for men?

The night I was not an easy prey.

Which city in India, do you think is the safest city for women? Do women in that city stay at home after dark?

“Sometimes it seems like every single thing I do has the potential to be something ‘provocative’.”

When they don’t even understand crime, how are they ever going to begin controlling it?

Those charged with our safety should have a true understanding of what it is to be a survivor of sexual assault — slut or otherwise.




25 thoughts on ““… people will say we encouraged these men to follow us… even though we are innocent”

  1. They committed suicide? Ugh, what a failure of society and what a waste of young life!! I wish their families had brought them up to not give two hoots about the ‘colony wallas’!

    I do not understand how parents prioritise ‘logon ki baatein’ over their own flesh and blood (I’m guessing the girls felt this way). I do not understand the mentality of victim blamers. I moreover do not understand people who blame women for being followed but fail to see the responsibility of the men following them. It’s pretty basic stuff.

    I know there’s ‘boys will be boys’ out there but I still struggle to imagine the mentality that actually believes men are some sort of brainless penis-drives beings that have no responsibility for their own actions. Then the same people prefer boys when reproducing? The cognitive dissonance involved is amazing.

    Essentially it comes down to who they perceive as more important and powerful.. even the sexual harassers have a higher status in a patriarchal society than these girls, which is why it’s easier to target them (even for their own harassment).

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Yes. It is always the girls who provoke wearing modern clothes. It is always girls who must stay silent. It is always girls who must learn to cover themselves from top to bottom. So then what about those girls in the villages who are raped and killed? I hear some are dragged out of the house in front of their parents. This ‘gentleman’ needs to understand that there is no increase in the number of rape cases. The only increase is in the number of cases being registered compared to those in older times. The simple reason being more awareness in people.


  3. How come the senior/top police officer know criminal minds so well? Rather than doing his duty to take care of victims, when does giving senseless talk became the core task of police?
    We are expert in victim-blaming, be it any type of victim, gender related victim, sex related victim, race related victim, etc we all know what causes these issues but few open their mouth to help and support them.
    I never heard a victim asking to be blamed, then why does blaming them become our core task? Shouldn’t helping them is the need of the hour.
    It’s so sad that girls die in our country in this century for being harassed and blamed for, be it her dress, her look, her talk whatever.
    Reading this blog changed so many of my own fundamental ideas about blaming victims and not supporting them. Now my family know I don’t take these partialities to women lying down and avoid blaming girls around me. Why are we taught that if something happens, it’s always a girls fault from very young. I am teaching my daughter to know her rights and be vocal. Hope the next generation can answer such stupid police officers and society that they have a job to do, which does not include victim blaming.


  4. Why does our senior/top cops know so much about abuser mentality? Isn’t their job is to catch criminals and support victims? I have never seen any police manual which talks about primary official role of any police official is to blame victim? Why do it is more important for this gentle-man (if I can call him) to victim-blame then explain how police can make it safer for victims and how police is there to help them.
    Reading this blog, helped me so much understand the victim-blaming mentality I was introduced to from a young age. Be the victim be on any type, they must have done something to be a victim, how skewed this rule is. Now I know to call-out when I see these happening. Hope my daughter and her generation know, they have a full right to wear, talk, eat, walk the way they want. That does not make them wrong or cause of any crimes. Crimes are the fault of criminals and not there victim. Thanks for opening my eyes to support the people who need it, not whom we are taught to support, just because they r powerful


  5. Once again out of the wood work. Why can’t we have a gender sensitivity training for top cops? Who gave him certification to define men’s sexuality and characteristics? Did he get a degree in human psychology or human physiology?

    If salwar kameez is modern in Andhara then saree is modern in Punjab Haryana. How about going back to times when women wore no upper garment but just a shawl wrapped around their bosom. Umm that will definitely be very traditional and Indian.

    It is a slap on the faces of all those men who are not provoked by the modern dresses women wear. Now it is up to these men to stand up and say out loud we are offended. Take back your words and go to school to learn a thing or two.

    Desi Girl

    Liked by 1 person

    • I have shared the video earlier, used it here in response some comments blaming the parents. Why is not obvious that it’s not just the parents but the entire society that refuses to take crimes against women seriously?


  6. This is such a empowering tool which can not be matched even with Atom bomb. Break down the victim completely so that they never raise their voice against oppressor and oppressor has free run to victimize. It has worked fabulously in our country. Things are changing now may be mindset will change but how much it will take we don’t know. Till that time what to do.


  7. I want to know how many children this cop has and does he blame his girls if they get eve teased.

    The society refuses to take crime against women seriously because they think eve teasing is just ‘normal’. They think eve teasing cannot be completely curbed and the most we can do is avoid.
    Yesterday, I got eve teased in the biggest mall of the city with 3 security guards in the vicinity and not one of them even cared to say anything. Why ? Because firstly they think its none of their business and secondly they think eve teasing is ‘normal’ .

    What no one understands is how difficult it gets for girls to travel alone or just be alone somewhere in public. I always thought things would get better from some point but honestly, I have lost all hope..


    • You bring up a good point. What if girls decided to boycott this mall? Simply stop buying there. That would hurt the businesses there. “If you want your business to thrive, please provide a safe environment for your customers” – that would be the message being sent. But for this girls have to unite. On certain forums/discussions, any attempts at uniting girls/women to fight for their rights are seen by some women as “oh I don’t want to become an instrument in your agenda/philosophy/experiment.” Well, then things will always stay the same. The world over, every oppressed group had to unite to fight for basic rights.


  8. A regular story of my own childhood. It was ALWAYS our (girls’) fault if there were boys roaming in our vicinity. It was our fault if they threw a letter at us. It was our fault if they told someone else that they ‘loved’ one of us. And it was ALWAYS parents doing the blaming (and beating up and locking in extreme cases) followed closely by relatives and neighbors, but first and foremost it was always parents.
    I attribute it to the fact that such people did not own something called a brain. If they did have one, wouldn’t it have been possible for them to see where the problem lay?
    I am so disappointed and sad seeing this news about the suicides. To think the world is still the same in many respects.


  9. society is responsible and laws are useless its total failure only good laws can bring the change problem is majority do not even know what is starring


  10. Saw the video.
    I have heard a cruder version.
    “As long as there are penises around, there will be rape! Get used to it!”
    The original quote in HIndi using the crude and popular term for the male appendage was even more revolting.

    And I can recall one more old quote:
    “When rape is inevitable, lie back and enjoy it.”
    I wonder who said this but it was quoted widely some years ago

    I suppose as long as half educated scum like this get elected, there will be statements like this.
    Get used to it!



  11. Something tells the Trinamool MP will wriggle out by saying something like this:

    I didn’t mean that rapes should exist as long as the earth exists.
    I merely said they will exist. It is the sad reality. I don’t justify it. I am merely pointing it out!



  12. Maybe educating girls in schools is not enough if they go ahead and kill themselves over guys following them home !!! maybe we should have compulsory self defence training in school so that girls can cope up with Indian men !!

    Those girls must be so alone and fearful to have taken such a rash step !!


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