Sharing an email.
Because we can still be honest WITHOUT saying, “Gosh woman what is wrong with you?”
I read a couple of blogs on your site recently and found this case of the pregnant woman wanting her MIL to cook for her.
Although I agree with the advice given by almost all the people in the comments and I have myself commented in more or less the same vein, I find many of the comments highly disrespectful and hurtful towards the LW.
This happened even with one MIL who had posted her problem about her DIL wanting to separate finances. This happened in my case as well and also for many others who had posted their problems with you previously.
It is not the advice per se which is hurtful. It is the tone and attitude in which it is said. I am guilty of this myself in many cases (not from this blog).
I know I am myself going to attract a whole bunch of brickbats for saying this, but ‘tough love’ on the internet just needs to STOP. It does not help the asker. It does not help the reader. It does no one any good, except for letting the commenter vent out their own anger and frustration about the situation.
On the contrary, this behavior deters people from ever sharing their problems, and therefore, finding solutions to real time issues.
Feminism is a great philosophy. It is great to be empowered. But why are we looking down upon women who are not as liberated as we are?
I understand that we cannot take responsibility for how others feel. But what we can indeed do is try to speak and behave in such a way that is accepted in society as common courtesy – you’d not exactly SPEAK the same way to a stranger who shares her problem with you. Why do we let down common etiquette and courtesy online?
Is it because you are honest by being rudely candid? Because we can still be honest WITHOUT saying, “Gosh woman what is wrong with you, get a maid!” if we instead say, “Please get a maid.”
Not very different from MTV Roadies, sorry.
The very act of actually posting questions online shows that people are willing to accept opinion and change to some effect; they wouldn’t do it otherwise. This should be treated as an opportunity. By coating an otherwise good advice with a patronizing and hurtful attitude, we aren’t doing anyone a favor but ourselves. People say – “Oh we took the time to help find them solutions and now you complain that we aren’t sweet enough.” Sorry – this attitude does more harm than the good done by the advice.
Being nice, or even neutral, isn’t an add-on, it is a necessity.
Feminism is all about equality – even within women. No one gets to act superior and speak patronizingly just because their husband cooks for them, or they work in an office, or they don’t become ‘fussy’ during pregnancy or whatever. Let’s embrace this philosophy with grace instead of using it as an excuse to vent anger.
The world needs solutions, not counter-rants. Nobody has time for rants.